So We'll Go No More A-Roving, for Fear of Furry Monsters

[newsmanfan]

Part Fifty-Three (III)

Most of the Muppets were free now or on the verge of being so. Most of the monsters were simply trying to get out of the way, paws over their cringing heads, eyestalks, or fragile horns as the case might be. Camilla seemed to be tiring, her stylishly clipped wings not meant for sustained flights, and the monster chicken was clucking and slamming its beak into the floor, the now-crumbling walls, and at whatever fell in its way in its furious efforts to impale the more nimble white-feathered hen. Gina waved at them all. “Hey! Everybody out!”

“This is a Muppet News Flash!” Newsie shouted, trying to get their attention as well. “Studies show that collapsing buildings are the only effective trap for monster chicken things!”

But only the Muppets closest to them heard. Walter tried to look around, alarmed, but Wanda wasn’t letting go of his face, doing her best to preserve his innocence. “What...what’s going on? I can’t see!”

All of them hit the floor a moment as the Underchicken swiped a meaty wing right where their heads had been. “Aaah, did I ever tell ya da one about da evil dictator crossing da road?”

Rowlf helped an unsteady Chef to his feet; the Chef’s hat had been flattened although he himself seemed all right. “Fozzie, I don’t think this is really the time or the—“

“He was trying to get to da underside! Aaaaaah!”

Rizzo tugged on Gonzo’s sleeve. “Hey, buddy, good ta see ya again. I was beginnin’ ta worry you’d gone Hollywood and forgotten your old pals.”

Too distracted to really notice the rat, Gonzo mumbled, “Yeah, extra butter would be great, thanks...and can I have some gummi spiders melted over it?”

Affronted, Rizzo smacked the Whatever’s shoulder. “Earth to Gonzo! Are you gonna sit there and watch your chickie battling the Swedish Film Chicken or are ya gonna help her?”

“Noog un Svedish chickie!” the Chef objected.

Gonzo blinked. “Oh, hey, Rizzo. When did you get here?”

“Unbelievable,” Rizzo groaned.

“Jou really has to stop stealing my lines, amigo.”

The Newsman stumbled and staggered on the rumbling floor over to his friends, clutching Gina’s arm tightly so he didn’t fall and flatten his nose. “Is everyone all right?” Nods and voices all replied affirmatively, but Newsie looked among them in vain for a yellow game-show host or a blonde rat. “Has anyone seen Chester or Rhonda?” he shouted over the crash of another of the ballroom’s web-choked chandeliers.

Gonzo came out of his trance, Rizzo’s words finally making their way to his dazed brain. “Camilla! Camilla, look out!”

The hen spared him an annoyed glance, too busy dodging the enraged giant Underchicken to cluck at him. She pecked at one enormous toe, and the Underchicken roared a window-shaking cackle of pain and then stomped. Camilla sidestepped and aimed for the other foot – and then a blue arm was around her waist, yanking her back. Camilla clucked, startled and frightened, and the sharp beak slammed into the floorboards right where she’d been standing so hard it stuck. As the Underchicken tried to wrench itself free, Camilla turned her head up to see the bulbous, concerned, wonderfully expressive eyes of her beloved weirdo. “Bawwwwk?” she asked, not trusting the hope welling up in her feathery breast.

“If you think I’m gonna let you put yourself in half the danger I enjoy,” Gonzo said roughly, “you’re dead wrong!” He tossed her aside and aimed a kick at the Underchicken’s wattles. “Hiiii-yah!”

The other Muppets stared. “Decent form,” Scooter murmured respectfully.

Miss Piggy shook her head. “He exhaled too soon. Not enough force.”

Honeydew noticed Gina. “Aha! Well, it’s good to see this psychokinetic trauma is not, in fact, the result of one of my assistant’s inventions failing yet again! What happened to your portable field blocker generator device?”

Beaker rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Let’s just get out of here before the whole place caves in!” Newsie urged.

“Every monster for himself!” howled Beautiful Day, scrabbling at the boarded-over windows.

“And that’s the attitude that got us all into this mess in the first place!” J G scolded him. “Now, see, if we’d started that Monster Benevolent Union last year like Hubert suggested, we’d have been able to counter the Underlord’s demands with an offer of our own, and under the collective bargaining agreement which I co-authored with Shakey, we never would have...snnnnnkkktt...”

“Speakin’ of counters, where’s Lunchy?” wondered Behemoth.

“There’s no way out! We’re all d-d-doomed!” Shakey cried. He grabbed a startled Kermit by the collar. “Help us!”

The Underchicken pulled its beak free of the floor finally and oriented on Gonzo, waiting bravely in a toreador’s stance. “Aaaaaarrrribaaaa!” he yelled, flourishing a red tattered curtain in front of the speechless poultry...and suddenly he wasn’t standing alone. Rosie McGurk brandished a snapped curtain rod. His big brother Thatch stepped up with a nail-studded broken board. And two raggedy tentacled things scooched in from either side, charged antennae bristling.

The Underchicken looked quickly at them all. Its eyes narrowed. A violent scream of sheer defiance came from its wobbly throat, and it lunged at Gonzo. With a whoosh of the curtain like a cape, Gonzo swung out of the way, laughing, and Rosie stuck the curtainrod into the plucked right wing. The Underchicken whirled, clucking in rage.

“Now that’s an angry bird,” Floyd said. Zoot nodded.

Rowlf scratched his head. “Where’d they get the little bullfighting hats?”

Kermit glared at the tiny monster hanging onto him until Piggy detached it distastefully from his collar. “You guys went along with this weirdness and didn’t even bother warning the rest of us and now you want help?”

Behemoth, Beautiful Day, Big Mama, the Mutations, Timmy, and numerous other Muppet Show occasional cast members crowded around the knot of Muppets huddled by the windows, as far away as they could get from the weird fight going on by the dais. The monsters all nodded and pleaded and some even groveled. “We didn’t want to! He was scary! Help us!”

Newsie winced as a chunk of ceiling tumbled down, missing Gonzo by a feather’s-breadth. “How do we get out of here? This isn’t the way I wanted to die!”

Gina hugged him, worried as well. “What if we both focus on...on an exit appearing? Try a News Flash!”

Newsie grimaced. “I think the cameraguy got taken out by a naked-chicken foot. Apparently it doesn’t work without an actual broadcast.”

Gina shook her head. “I love you, Newsie, but I am never ever going to understand Muppet logic...”

The Underchicken took a swipe at Thatch, missed and gouged the wall where the old dumbwaiter shaft had served as an escape back to the tunnels for several bugs. The cord holding the rickety old mechanism snapped, and a wooden box for running champagne up to the ballroom plummeted a hundred feet; faintly the muffled screams of a dozen smushed pillbugs and centipedes floated up. “Ha ha hahhh!” Gonzo crowed, swooping and flapping his makeshift cape at the charging poultry. Off to one side, Camilla fanned herself with a wing, breathless and awed; she’d never found bullfighting sexy before...

Kermit yelled at Newsie, “Well do something! I don’t think this place has much left!”

Beaker suggested, “Meemee moo mo mo meep mo?”

“Excellent idea, Beakie!” Bunsen agreed.

Newsie and Gina gave the scientists a blank look. Hurriedly Bunsen paraphrased, “Perhaps if the two of you concentrated on getting these windows opened, and the larger monsters jumped down first to help the rest of us, the issue of a usable exit might be precipitated!”

“Mee mee mippy-mippy,” Beaker reminded him.

Bunsen blushed. “I was getting to that...ahem...” He couldn’t quite meet Newsie’s and Gina’s gazes. “Our previous calculations strongly suggest that the process would be greatly enhanced, and the chances of success improved by approximately thirty-seven-point-two-four percent, if the two of you also...erm...”

Gina looked at Newsie. “Windows,” she said.

Confused, he muttered, “I thought you liked Mac better?”

With a tolerant shake of her head, she crouched by her Muppet love, grabbed his fuzzy felted cheeks in both hands, and pulled him hard into a passionate kiss. Understanding hit right after shock, and Newsie shut his eyes, kissing back just as fervently, and thinking Open the windows, open the windows!

“Come on, is that all you got?” Gonzo taunted, sidestepping another lunge. Thatch smacked the giant chicken with his board across the beak, and it swung its head angrily, tossing the startled monster into a wall. Rosie yelped and barely rolled out of the way of a claw-swipe.

Pepe stared. “I do not think making fun of the Colonel Sandy reject is un bueno idea.”

Rizzo gulped agreement. “More power to ya, buddy...”

The whole room shook crazily. Monsters lost their footing and tumbled into Muppets; Muppets pinwheeled for balance and grabbed hold of huge furry monsters. Everyone, it seemed, was holding onto everyone else except the crazy chickenfighters. With a crunch and the deafening roar of falling bricks, the wall of windows looking out onto Doyers Street fell; shocked, Kermit had just enough time to realize it was the entire wall of the hotel before the floor tilted and he grabbed Robin and Piggy and went sliding out. Bodies furry and felted, scaled and horned and clad in tee-shirts, all tumbled in a mass exodus. Cries and screams and the crazed laughter of a Whatever were buried under the sounds of terrible destruction.

Coughing, Newsie worriedly brushed the gray-dusted hair of his Gypsy girl from her face, relieved when her eyes opened. “Are you okay?” he asked.

She adjusted his tilted glasses on his nose. “Nothing broken. You?”

“Same,” he replied, and then realized she was sprawled atop him in a way he would be embarrassed to have anyone see. “Uhm.” Quickly he scrambled to his feet, but upon looking around, saw everyone else was similarly tangled and not paying any attention to him, concerned with their own recovery from the fall. He saw someone yellow staring at the damage from across the street. “Chester?”

The plaid-coated Muppet approached, seeming a little stunned. “Aloysius?”

Newsie nodded, and stuck out his hand. Snookie looked at it, then at the anxious eyes of his cousin, and then did another in what was shaping up to be a long line of atypical actions tonight: he hugged Newsie. Gina smiled, trying to keep her bedraggled hair out of her face. A blue-and-pink-splotched girl stepped across the rubble in the street to stand by Snookie. Gina nodded at her. “Friend of his?”

Constanza grabbed Snookie’s arm. “He’s mine, sister. Don’t even think about it.”

Embarrassed, Snookie pulled away from Newsie. “Uh, I think she has her own squeeze. This is Const—I mean Stinkbomb,” he said, remembering her preferred nickname.

When Constanza saw Gina drape her arms over Newsie’s shoulders, she relaxed. “Oh. Um. Hi. Constanza le Whatnot.” She stuck a dirty hand at Gina, who accepted it.

“How’d you get out?” Newsie asked. So many questions to ask! But for now he was just inexpressibly relieved to see his cousin alive. Now...if only Rhonda made it...

“Ran out the front door right before the whole place came down,” Snookie said. He shook his head in awe at the rubble. “Hope those SWAT guys got back out the way they came in...or are really good at digging.”

Newsie blinked. “SWAT team?”

“Is everyone all right?” Kermit coughed, brushing the dust from his face. Everyone seemed to have a fresh coating of gray plaster and brick-dust on them.

“What happened to da giant chicken?” Fozzie asked, and several of the Muppets beginning to pull themselves upright looked around as well.

The pink Martian pulled himself out of a small pile of crumpled boards, and gestured at a larger pile of rubble. The entire hotel was nothing more than a heap of wreckage. “Aww. Chick-en un-der. Un-der. Yip yip yip.”

The blue one shook itself in disagreement. “Un-uh un-uh un-uh. Chick-en over. O-ver. Awwww! Yip yip yip yip yip!”

“Yip yip yip yip o-ver, unh-huh, un-huh!” they chorused excitedly.

Camilla clucked softly, peering at the pile of destruction. Rizzo did the same uneasily. “Hey, anybody seen Gonzo around?”

“I sincerely hope all this weirdness is through,” Sam grumbled, shaking his feathers and brushing the top of his head in disgust.

Rizzo looked at Pepe. “Did we just miss a joke somewhere?”

The shrimp shrugged. “Jou gots me, amigo. All I knows is there are scantily costumed girls at a party somewheres who are missing their Pepe right now!”

“You wish.”

“Are we safe?” Walter wondered, still dazed. He felt something wriggling below his shirt, and fished out a flopping salmon. “Uh, I think this is yours.” He handed the fish to Lew Zealand.

Lew exclaimed as he walked off, “You naughty girl! He’s half your age! Come on, let’s go find a late show to watch...I think the wrestling match is over...”

Newsie looked at the ruined heap of broken bricks. “I...I had no idea you and I could...” The extent of the damage, though fortunate for the whole party, was nevertheless a bit frightening.

Gina nodded soberly. She turned to the scientists. “Can you guys make me another necklace?”

Beaker nodded eagerly. Bunsen elaborated, “Happily, as we know the exact field frequency of both of your psychokinetical, magnetical fields, we should be able to fix it again. Never fear, the power of science can resolve all problems!”

With a fierce BAAAAWWWWK!, the giant plucked chicken burst from the center of the rubble.

Bunsen put his hands up in consternation. “Well, most problems...”

A fierce clucking built up to a roar which sent a few broken windows in adjoining buildings crashing to the street. The startled Muppets and monsters alike began to fall back, spreading out in the narrow street; a number of monsters immediately took to their paws and scattered away through the Lower East Side as fast as they could. Thatch helped Rosie out of a heap of bricks and crushed mortar, both of them so covered in gray dust as to be indistinguishable from each other. They stared in horror at the monstrosity rising unconquered and shaking its terrible wattles.

“Uhh...faggah,” Rosie gulped. Thatch could only nod in stunned agreement.

“For the chickennnnns!” a wild shriek came from the still-standing tenement next to the hotel site. To everyone’s surprise, the Great Gonzo, brandishing Rosie’s curtain rod, saluted the crowd with a crazed look in his eyes, and then swiftly swung across the empty space from a busted window to land flat on the Underchicken’s broad pimply back. “Ha ha haaaah!”

Piggy gaped. “When the heck did he have time to change into a gladiator outfit?!”

Scooter shook his head. “Never mind that – where the heck did the vine come from?”

Kermit tried to herd everyone to a safe distance down the street. “Come on, guys – let’s get out of their way!” No one could argue with that. Feet, paws, and saddle shoes pounded the pavement of Doyers Street.

“I know he’s probably at the parade,” Bland (or maybe Blander) was telling Blandish from the dubious safety of a shop awning across the way. “Go get him! Tell him it’s urgent!”

Newsie cast an anxious eye about in vain for his reports producer. “I can’t find Rhonda,” he told Gina. “Do you think she’s...she’s...”

Gina hugged her worried Muppet tight. “I hope not, sweetie.” She backed away farther, the thought striking her of the rest of Chinatown falling down if she and Newsie stayed together like this much longer; as upset as he understandably was, she didn’t think more damage would be forgivable tonight. Or exempt from lawsuits, she thought, noticing the lawyer frumping at the whole scene. “My love...I think one of us should leave, before the subway collapses under us or something. I’ll see if I can get hold of anyone at your station and make them send a camera crew, and maybe you can—“

“I’m not sure a News Flash is going to solve this,” Newsie interrupted. “Look at that thing! If being crushed under a building didn’t stop it, what will?”

Rizzo overheard. “Hasn’t stopped you yet.”

Newsie glared, but then stooped to address the rat directly. “Have you seen Rhonda?”

He seemed surprised. “Huh? Blondie? No – oh, man, she wasn’t in dere, was she?”

Distraught, Newsie clasped his hands together, staring at the giant naked chicken being rodeo-ridden by a largely ineffective Gonzo. “Oh man,” Rizzo gulped. “But...but...we can’t go lookin’ in dere right now! Dat t’ing’ll peck us all ta death!”

Confirming this sentiment, the Underchicken spotted Rosie and Thatch and struck a wickedly sharp beak at them. The brothers barely scrambled out of the way, tumbling feet-over-horns down the rubble heap. “Gazza! Heppa!” Rosie cried.

Gonzo yanked hard on the wattles like floppy reins. “Yeeeeeehaaaaaah!”

Gina kissed Newsie quickly. “Stay safe! I’ll send help!” She grabbed Bunsen’s shoulder. “You guys! Back to your lab before this gets any worse!”

Kermit muttered, “How could this possibly –“

A thump rippled along the street. Car alarms went off two blocks over.

Piggy growled, “You just had to say it.”

Another subsonic boom sounded, and this time the street pavement actually trembled. “That does not sound like help,” Pepe said, slowly backing behind Beauregard. The frightened janitor clutched the ancient dustmop he’d rescued.

“Does this mean the fences are down?” he asked, remembering something about big mean dinosaurs.

Another boom traveled along the street, making even the Underchicken pause a moment; then it cackled in glee and tried to slam its body against the neighboring building; Gonzo hung on, though the blow made his eyeballs roll. “Ooh, yeah, make me like it...” he murmured, though fortunately Camilla, standing anxiously among the Muppet crowd, didn’t hear him.

“Whaddevah it is, it’s comin’ closer!” Rizzo yelled.

Newsie shoved Gina away from him. “Go!” he shouted gruffly. “I love you!”

She gave him one worried, determined look, then took off. In seconds she was out of sight around the crooked angle of the street. Newsie sighed, glad she was out of danger, but then turning back to the giant freak lunging and reeling around the pile of wreckage, he realized it was only a matter of time before the Underchicken scraped Gonzo off its back...and then came for the rest of them...and what the hey was that weird booming? Transformer stations? Overflying planes? Disturbing memories of another such sound on a very grim day in the city’s history came to mind. Newsie strained on tiptoe but couldn‘t see anything in the night sky over the surrounding buildings. No flames or smoke, that has to be a good sign, right? But then what... He saw Gina running back around the bend in the street. “Gina? What are you doing?” he yelled.

And then another deep, shuddering blow hit the concrete, making him wobble. Robin peeped in fear and hopped atop the Muppet nearest, which happened to be Beaker; he meeped agreement, backing against a closed Chinese tea room. Piggy steeled her sturdy legs, wondering what the heck else was about to go badly wrong tonight, as her frog peered ahead worriedly. Only one overhead light cast its feeble glow along that end of the street, and as yet another horrible boooom sent alarming tremors along the sidewalks, the glass in the lamp shivered and fell with a crash. The immediate mental association with another light bulb dropping was not comic at all this time.
------

 

[newsmanfan]

Part Fifty-Three (IV)

“What da heck has gone wrong wit’ dis town?” Rizzo exclaimed. “Who’s up next, King Kong?”

“I think maybe jou should not say these things aloud, okay?” Pepe said, raising a shaking hand to point at the thing looming around the bend in the street, its head on a par with some of the nearby tenements.

Dr Teeth turned to the Chef. “You would not, in your culinarian couture, have a giant bunch of bananas, would you, my man?”

But the thing which hove finally into view with two more earth-rocking steps of its ponderous feet was not an ape. “Oh holy frog,” Newsie gasped, clinging to Gina again as she breathlessly panted up to him, running ahead of the colossus.

“Trooooooooollll!” Rizzo shrieked, right as the Underchicken finally managed to buck and toss Gonzo off its fleshy back. Rosie and Thatch grabbed him and pulled him off the rubble a split second before a clawed foot slammed into the pile; dazed, he wavered between them.

“Wow, he musta hit me harder than I thought,” Gonzo mumbled. “Rosie, I see two of you!” He blinked at the furry hands guiding him as quickly as possible away from both the angry monster poultry and the enormous striding monster. “Whoa, cool, didn’t know you could feel double after a concussion...”

With the gigantic, shaggy thing, eyes big as wagon wheels and floppy jaw like a mattress, closing in at one end, and the Underchicken suddenly leaping and thudding into the center of the street, the Muppets were trapped. Everyone huddled under the insufficient awning of a dry-cleaner’s. Kermit bravely gulped and stepped forward. “Piggy, run! Animal – try and distract them! There must be some way to, I don’t know – pit them against one another?”

“I will stand with vous, mon capitan!” Piggy insisted.

Thatch shook his fluffy head, sending a cloud of soot and dust sifting all around. “Nazza! Zagga da Undahlaggaz pezza trogga!”

Scooter shuddered, and tried to push Sara behind him, although she’d have none of it. “Uh, Chief? He says that’s...that’s the Underlord’s pet troll...”

“Oh good grief,” Kermit groaned. “And Sweetums is back at the theatre!”

The thing suddenly leaned down, rubbery lip like a tire-swing right in front of Kermit before the frog could leap back. Eyes widened, shining bright as the moon. “You know Sweetums?” the giant troll thundered.

Kermit recovered slowly, shaking; Piggy’s instinctive grip on his arm was the only thing that had kept him from being blown twenty yards back by that fetid breath. “Y-yes! He, uh, he works with us! All of us!” Kermit said, trying to sound firmer than he felt.

Suddenly a tiny blonde head popped up from atop the troll’s forest of hair. “We already told ya that, ya big galoot!”

Newsie’s jaw dropped. “Rhonda??”

Another rat, hefty and crew-cut, appeared next to her, peering cautiously down as those huge eyes rolled up to squint at them. “Yeah, Morty...dese is da guys we was tellin’ youse about!”

“Ohhh,” the troll said. Its guffaw shredded the awning. “Well gee, ya shoulda said somethin’! Haw, haw, haw...I almost flattened ‘em! Boy, would Cousin Sweetums have given me heck about that!”

“C-cousin?” Rizzo gasped.

Newsie had a hard time picking his jaw up enough to speak coherently. “You’re...Sweetums’ Cousin Morty?”

“That’s a big troll,” Gina gulped.

“That’s a giant troll,” Walter said softly, gazing up in awe.

“That’s...that’s twenny bucks an’ a pizza ya owe me, for scarin’ me half outta my fur!” Rizzo exclaimed. He glared jealously up at Rhonda and Bubba. “How come you guys get to ride the wild troll, and we get stuck fightin’ giant naked Colonel Sanders rejects?”

“Man, I think it heard you,” Floyd said, stepping back, Janice in his arms, as the Underchicken advanced, clucking menacingly.

“Buh-gawwwk!” Camilla said, nuzzling Gonzo in great concern; it had been a while since she’d seen his eyes quite that crossed. She eased him from Rosie’s grip and petted his face gently with one wing. “Bawk, buk buk buk...”

“I only see one of you,” Gonzo told her, and fell into her soft embrace, heedless of the whole situation in the street. “Only one...”

“Bawwwww,” Camilla sighed.

Morty the Troll chuckled, and lowered his arm for the rats to run down his hand and join their friends. “Gosh, sorry about that! Sweetums told me about ya, but he didn’t say how small ya were!”

“No harm done,” Kermit managed; Piggy braced her feet against that wind tunnel of a mouth, grimacing.

“Speak for yourself. I’ll never get the stench out of my hair,” she grumbled.

A vicious cackle in the street startled everyone. “Ho boy,” Pepe muttered.

Dr Teeth shook his head. “Stand back, friends; I have a feeling this is about to become pugilanimous...”

“Do you think the troll can pin that thing down?” Gina wondered, keeping hold of her Newsman despite the danger of concurrent energy fields. Nothing seemed to be shaking at the moment...well, nothing not attributable to the troll or the monster chicken, anyway...

With a scream of rage, the Underchicken hopped up and down, sending more tremors along the already-cracked pavement. It clucked and gestured at the Muppets. “Whatever it’s saying, that can’t be good,” Walter guessed.

Gonzo roused himself, staring up at the fearsome plucked thing. “Uh...it isn’t, unless being stomped into Muppet jelly sounds like fun. Hey,” he perked, but Camilla clucked severely at him, and he slumped again. “Just saying...”

The others cringed. “Newsie, focus!” Gina cried, hugging him. “Make it go away!”

Newsie shut his eyes tight, concentrating with all his might on the mental image of the Underchicken simply winking out of existence, perhaps sucked into the doorway to heck he’d hoped to open. “If you’ve got some kind of superpower, now would be a really good time to use it,” Snookie suggested helpfully.

“Superpower? He’s just a reporter,” Constanza scoffed.

“Well, I’m really hoping that’s just his day job...” Snookie sighed.

“Nothing’s happening!” Wanda wailed. “Everybody run!”

“Oh, my!” Bunsen gasped, echoing the gape of his assistant subconsciously. “Your field energy must have actually burned out in bringing down the hotel!”

“What?” Gina and Newsie cried together.

“Not to worry!” Honeydew yanked out a calculator and tapped it rapidly; Beaker reminded him to carry the Stantz Quotient to the next column. “If we are correct in our previous observations of the maximum measurable hertz of your psychokinetic field combination, expressed over a fixed period of time x, where q equals the amount of force generated and p the extent of physically irreparable damage –“

“Hey Doc, cut to the chase,” Rowlf barked.

Honeydew resettled his glasses, lowering the calculator. “Then you both should be able to raise a powerful enough field to open another dimension, or turn the giant bird back into a human, or other such reality-altering phenomena, in approximately...”

“How long?” Newsie demanded.

Bunsen gulped. “Two days.”

The Underchicken crowed.

“Lookit da time,” Rizzo exclaimed. “I t’ink I’m late for dat party!”

Pepe whirled to stare at him. “Jou was not going to a party tonight!”

“I’m goin’ to whatever one you’re goin’ to, and we’re leavin’ now!” the rat insisted, and grabbed the prawn’s tee-shirt. “Dey’ll eat the bigger ones first! Move it!”

Rhonda stared. “That...is the ugliest chicken I have ever seen.”

Bubba scratched his chin a moment. Then, as the Underchicken advanced, still cackling and clucking in what presumably was another tirade urging his minion to attack, the rat yelled up at the baffled Mortimer: “Hey, Morty!”

The huge head swung down again, making everyone flinch, but the troll only blinked and listened attentively to the apparently unfazed rat. “Yuh, Bubba?”

“Wasn’t you tellin’ me just a while ago how hungry you was?”

Giant yellow eyes gazed into small, heavy-lidded rodent ones a long moment. Then the troll tilted his head to view the furious Underchicken. Understanding dawned like a Klieg light in those wheels of eyes. “Ohhhh,” Morty rumbled, making the smaller Muppets cling to the larger ones for fear of being knocked to the sidewalk. “You ordered me a chicken to go? Haw haw haw! Thanks!”

And with one rough palm, the troll scooped up the monstrous chicken and stuffed it whole down his throat.

The gulp which followed stunned everyone present. The satisfied belch which followed shattered every window on the block. “Not too bad...but I really like hot wings better,” Morty decided. Seeing a noodle shop fronting the street, he reached through the broken window and rooted around in the kitchen area until he found a case of chili sauce bottles. Down the hatch went the entire case. “That’s better. Gee, Bubba, that was awful nice of ya!”

“Don’t mention it,” Bubba said agreeably.

Everyone stood there, too dazed to react for a moment. And then the world descended on them.

Helicopter blades chugging overhead preceded voices yelling and a team of riot-geared police rappelling down and cornering Rosie and Thatch. A small tank rumbled up in range of the troll. From one end of the street, Health Inspector Murrow charged on a golf cart at the head of the strike force who’d come back through the Nofrisko tunnel. At the other end, a group of Whatnots with briefcases pulled up and piled out of a late-model luxury sedan. Everyone converged at once, it seemed, and the bewildered Muppets huddled together as much as they could.

“Holy A-Team, Goldie,” Rhonda said. “I thought I was supposed to be gathering the cavalry! Did you call these guys?”

“Er...just him,” Newsie replied, nodding at Murrow.

“Who’s he?”

“Special Inspector First Class Murrow, Health Department!” the Whatnot barked through a megaphone, standing in the seat of the golf cart. “Anyone associated with, employed by, or in any way connected to the Nofrisko Corporation and its various subsidiaries is in violation of Health and Safety Code pursuant to...” He began rattling off a long list of official-sounding numbers and letters.

Kermit shook his head, amazed. “Where was this guy when I was working on the Street? He’s a natural.”

Fozzie looked around slowly, all the shouting and bright lights and action unnerving him. “Does...does dis mean it’s over?”

“It better be,” Piggy grumped. “Some of us would like a bubble bath now.”

“That sounds really good,” Sara sighed, leaning in relief against Scooter, who hugged her tight, and began softly laughing.

“...are all subject to fines and possible arrest! You!” Murrow yelled, getting Morty’s attention.

“Huh?” The troll leaned down to stare at Murrow. “You talkin’ ta me?”

“I don’t see any other public safety nuisances over thirty feet tall, so yes, I’m talking to you!”

Scooter shook his head, turning away while a harangue began against an offended giant troll. “Oh boy,” he sighed. “Hope he knows what he’s getting himself into.”

One of the cops pointed his anti-monster taser gun at Thatch and Rosie. “Were these two part of the infestation underground?” the man demanded. Everyone looked at them, then at Kermit. Kermit looked at Gonzo, struggling, with Camilla’s help, to stand without wobbling. The brothers McGurk looked at Gonzo, at one another, and then at the Muppets. Their horns drooped; their eyes plainly said they expected the worst. Tongues sagged unhappily. Kermit’s gaze hardened. He cleared his throat and spoke very firmly to the police.

“No, officer...they’re with us.”

Stunned, then overjoyed, the monsters suddenly hugged Kermit, pounding his back gratefully until Piggy yanked them off him. “You’re welcome,” the frog said, pleased despite his now-sore shoulders.

Newsie shook his head in wonder. “Are we...are we really all right?”

His cousin clapped him on the back, startling him. “As weird as I feel saying this...yeah. Yeah, we are.” Tentative smiles on both sides gave way to grins, then laughter.

“Are we?” Gina asked Beaker. He and Bunsen exchanged a look, a shrug, and a smile.

“Mee mee.”

“Yes. But come by the lab tomorrow so we can affix your new field blocker before you both build a charge back up. Speaking of.” The bald scientist beamed at two furry jellyfish staggering past. “Excuse me, might we have a word with you two? That was some impressive static electricity generation you two managed!”

Pink stared at him. “Aww? Word?”

Blue clamped his mouth shut. It had been a long night, and he just wanted to chew some cardboard and go hang from a clothesline. Impatiently he tugged at his friend’s tentacles, ignoring the curious lab boys. Pink looked reluctantly from Blue to Bunsen, then sighed and went along with his companion, but to appease the request, called out over his antennae as he scrunched away, “Ra-di-o. Aww. Radio. Word. Yip.”

Blue- and olive-felted lawyers bustled into the fray with immense self-importance. “This property is officially under the jurisdiction of the City, County, and State of New York pursuant to seizure laws due to charges being brought against the legal owners, including but not limited to Muppetnapping, fraud, and filming reality dating shows on the premises...”

“Excuse me,” Murrow interrupted Blander (or Bland; both stood pouting in the fore of a bastion of Whatnots now pasting legal notices on every intact wall, light-pole, and shop-door within five hundred yards of the demolished Happy Lotus Hotel). “I’m in charge of this operation! Who are you exactly?”

During the bristling, posturing, and argument which followed in the middle of the street as a baffled troll looked on from above, Newsie sighed and held his girl’s hand. “Muppetnapping,” he repeated. “A nap sounds wonderful.”

“A hot shower and bedtime sounds better,” Gina added. She smiled at the weary yellow Muppet clutching the hand of the blue girl opposite. “Would you two like to come home with us tonight? We have enough room...and spare clothes...and I’m sure you two have a lot to talk about.” She beamed at Newsie and Snookie. They looked at one another, and nodded.

“You had me at ‘hot water’,” Snookie sighed.

“Any chance of plush PJs?” Constanza asked Gina shyly.

“Yes. Love ‘em. Uh...I’m sure we can roll up the legs.”

“Are you trying to make a short-Muppet jo...” Realizing she was getting defensive over nothing, Constanza backed down, embarrassed. “Sorry.”

Snookie hugged her, and she gave in, sighing tiredly. “Let’s go home,” Gina said. Newsie smiled agreement, but as they began to slowly walk away from the scene, he looked back at Rhonda, about to ask her if she wanted to come along...but the petite rat seemed occupied. He watched that larger, Stallone-lookalike rat put his arm around her shoulders, and saw Rhonda lean into him, and suddenly Newsie realized his producer might have found someone she didn’t have to be so strong around, finally.

Robin, slowly creeping forward, stared up at the massive troll. He called up to that shaggy mountain of a head, “Are you really Sweetums’ cousin?”

Morty crouched, pushing the golf cart out of his way; Murrow was in too heated a discussion over legal possession of the crime scene with the Bland firm to notice. “Sure! We used to fish for squid together in the East River!”

“Really?” Growing bolder, the little frog approached closer. Kermit and Piggy watched, a little worried, but the troll placed his hands down as gently as their own resident troll did around the boy. “Did you catch anything?”

Morty rumbled a laugh that wobbled the nearest streetlamp pole. “Well, a submarine once, but they made us throw it back!”

Rizzo elbowed Pepe. “Are you t’inkin’ what I’m t’inkin’, buddy?”

Pepe frowned. “Haven’t we done that joke already, amigo?”

Rizzo planted his fists on his ample waist. “I am t’inkin’, with dis guy, we could rake in da biggest Halloween haul evah!”

Pepe considered it. “But will there be beautiful womens, okay?”

Gonzo looked around at the theatre troupe, uncertain of his reception. “Uh...so...fun night, huh guys?”

Groans and head-shaking ensued. Scooter put out a hand and a smile. “Welcome back, Gonzo.”

The Whatever grinned, and admitted, “You know, great as all of that was...they just don’t understand me like you guys do.”

“Like, nobody understands you, Gonzo.”

“Okay...it still sounded better than ‘Hey, can I come back and try that rabid-weasel juggling thing finally?’” Gonzo sighed.

Sam the Eagle scowled and crossed his wings. “I see no lessons have been learned here.” He strode over to the lawyers. “Gentlemen! While I applaud your swift prosecution of the miscreants who are responsible for this atrocity, I feel I must point out that there are more citations which ought to be written out, for lewd display of naked chickenskin, destruction of an historical site, and overall naughtiness...”

Scooter tried to hold in a laugh, but then saw a smile quirking at the edge of his boss’ wide green mouth, and a broad one already lifting a bear’s welcoming face. By mutual and simultaneous assent, the gathered Muppets swarmed Gonzo, shaking hands, hugging, and patting him on the back. “Oo, ow, that smarts,” Gonzo said.

“Uh, sorry.”

“No, it’s good! Could you do it more?”

The Newsman looked around at them all in a state of weary wonder: the biggest troll he’d ever seen lumbering off with Rizzo and a reluctant Pepe on his shoulders, with Robin securing permission from his uncle before hopping aboard as well to catch up on the trick-or-treating he’d missed earlier tonight; the daredevil cuddling his chicken as the other Muppets slowly dispersed in clumps and friendly groups to head home; the lawyers arguing with the SWAT officers arguing with the health inspector in a three-way contest (four, but everyone seemed to be ignoring Sam); the monster brothers quietly stealing away in the wake of Animal yelling and jerking his chain down the street, Floyd and the Mayhem in pursuit. Newsie turned to his cousin, the Whatnot girl obviously with him, and Newsie’s own beloved, who was gazing down at him through a curtain of mussed, dusty hair, and still looked beautiful to him. “Let’s go home,” he said.

So they all did.
-----------

 

[The Count]

Statler...
Yes, what is it?
Is that it?
I don't know, you'll have to ask that newsguy. But how'd you like it?
Eh, I don't know, I slept through the whole thing.
Well, you didn't miss much.

*Wild applause for the rest of Ch 52 that was posted tonight.

Now that's how you bring down the house!

*Laughs at...
"Unbelievable."
"Ju need to stop stealing my lines, amigo."

Gina: "Windows."
"I thought you prefered Mac."

Thanks for confirming what I'd only thought of earlier yesterday/this weekend, that Mortimer was the previously aluded cousin of and he comes to the rescue.
Marvin: But where's the earth-shattering kaboom?
Pink: Ka-boom?
Blue: Ka-boom, yip yip yip.
*Hears burped explosive from the case of chili sauce. Ah, there it is.

*Finds it adorable that Robin jumped onto Morty to go with Rizzo and Pepe to get some last-minute trick-or-treating done.

And then there's just the general glee that this entire thing has brought me. Thank you as always.
*Awards Kris an o' lantern mug of pumpkin spiced hot mocchalate.

 

[newsmanfan]

-----------
Thanks...I could use the caffeine!

One more wrap-it-all-up chapter to go which will have to wait a while; my work schedule this week is insane. Comments from ANYONE always appreciated; that's how I make these things better, folks...

----------

 

[The Count]

*Wonders if Fragglemuppet's read the other stories from Kris 'newsmanfan' which proceed this one and also follow it too.
*Vows to bring out my massive Bugs Bunny mug to toast to the ending of such a vonderful fanfic that has thrilled and entertained so many of us for so long.

 

[Ruahnna]

Boy, have I been caught napping--and missed all the nightmares first time around!

How nice to FINALLY get to read this through when all the nightmare have turned into sweet dreams. There's much to celebrate here:

The big uggy-wugg (well, your big uggy-wugg) has been devoured. Like Kermit, Morty can eat what's bugging everyone! How convenient THAT turned out to be! If we could duplicate the transformation, then we could give the Colonel AND Bojangles a run for their money.
Gonzo: Or start your own live-action, naked-chicken--
Camilla: Bawk! Buh-bawk-bawk-buhgawk!!
Gonzo: (eyes widening) Really? But, Sugarplum, I don't know if I've still got the marshmallow fluff....
Sara: (to Scooter) What'd she say?
Scooter: (turning red) Um...er...
Piggy: Camilla say's she and Gonzo have plans and we'll see them in a few days.
Kermit: (murmuring to Scooter) That's not really what she said, is it?
Scooter: (muttering out of the side of his mouth) More or less, but something gets lost in translation.
Ru: AS I WAS SAYING---!
Rizzo: Typing.
Ru: TYPING, then, this was such a nicely-wrapped surprise ending. I loved the way Kermit stepped up to the plate at the end and spoke up for Rosie and Thatch.
Piggy: (smooching her frog) That's why Moi calls him Mon Capitan. He so easily assumes the mantle of leadership.
Floyd: (panting after chasing Animal for the better part of 12 blocks) How about he assumes the cost of some grub.
Rhonda: Don't say "grub."
Bubba: It's okay, Sweetcheeks. I got you, now.
Floyd: Well, chow then. Hey, Kerm. Can you spring for some pizza, at least?
Pepe: Si, si. All this heroism is making me, like, hungry.
Rizzo: You're always hungry.
Pepe: (eying Constanza while Snookie is talking to Kermit) Si, Hi am always ravenous for the sight of a beautiful womans--
Snookie: Back off, buster. This muppet belongs to--
Constanza: Hey!
Snooker: Um, er, this muppet is her own, independent felted person, who does not need the permission or condescension of anyone. And who is completely fabulous in every way.
Constanza: (smiling) Wow, you're smart.
Ru: Morty! Morty! I'm trying to review Kris's finale and everyone is talking!
Morty: Aww. Hey--EVERYBODY SHUT UP!
Piggy: (muttering) First my hair, now my ears....
Kermit: Let's go home, everybody. Ru has this well in hand.
Ru: Kris has this story well in hand. It's all sewn up.
Thoreau: Dearheart, were you calling me?
Ru: (sigh) No. I was not calling you. I was simply trying to say that this was excellently executed--
Gonzo: And so was the giant chicken!
Ru: --well-paced and ingeniously plotted, and full of all the things that make a story truly spectacular.
Deadly: Could that be spooktacular.
Ru: (shortly) No.
Deadly: How about--
Ru: Deadly, sweetie--I know you're already dead, but here are your choices. Either shut up and go back to my apartment and wait for pie or shut up or I'm going to murder you.
Deadly: Hmmm. Do you have Cool Whip?
Ru: If you're talking about the dessert topping, yes.
Deadly: All right, then. Any chance of a snuggle on the couch afterward?
Ru: MORTY!
Deadly: Going, already. Hmphh.
Ru: There was mystery and horror and romance, scientific experimentation and paranormal activity--not to mention pathos and human, er, muppet drama.
Pepe: H'why did youy mention it, then?
Ru: Grrrrr!
Rizzo: Buddy, we got to scoot. I think there's literal steam coming out of her ears. Come and have some pie.
Pepe: Are there any pumpkin brownies left?
Ru: I don't recall inviting.... *sigh* Nevermind. Kris's story had it all. There was human drama, too, and movie promotion....
Piggy: And fashion faux pas.
Beauregard: How did you know they had four paws? Does she mean mittens?
Ru: Nevermind what I mean. No one's listening.
Fozzie: I'm listening.
Blue: Awwwww. Yip yip yip. Listening.
Pink: Awwww. Kris. Kris's story. Yip yip yip. Has it all.
Ru: Yeah. Pretty much. And a happy ending.
Blue: Yip yip. Possum.
Pink: Pos. Sum. Yipyipyip.
Ru: That's right. And Dr. Van Neuter is a possum. I'm happy.
Fozzie: Good. Glad you're happy. Um...are you done?
Ru: Yeah. I guess I am for now. That was one heck of a roller-coaster of a story. Good job.
Fozzie: Come on home, then. There's still pie.
Ru: Not for long....

Lovely job. Wonderful job. We ALL think you did a great job bringing mayhem and horror and lawsuits and muppets rights to the forefront. Kudos, chica. Keep writing.

Ru

 

[newsmanfan]

Lol! Thank you! Wasn't sure I could pull it off. Have one final chapter to go. Will have it in soon as I can. Been a very busy, very strange week. Thanks to everyone who stuck it out with me!

Now...waiting on the mistress of dramatic romance to sweep us off to the awards..
..

 

[WebMistressGina]

And this is why I have to stop by every week cause I so didn't see this chapter (or maybe I did and said I would read it later and later got to be later and so forth)

I second Ru on the stuffs and the stuffs was good!

Funny stuff, in there. Funny stuff...

 

[The Count]

*Awaits what will be most posolutely a fantastic epilogue to one of my most fave fics here at MC. Already left you some cookies Kris, hope you have a good night.

 

[Fragglemuppet]

*limps in sweating and breathing a bit hard* I finally made it!

Why Ed! I do believe you've been using your extra special mod powers to spy on me! Sadly, I haven't read the stories leading up to this, although I saw a couple of places where that would've been a plus. This story mostly works on its own though. I did read a little of the first one, (not sure how I got sidetracked), so I did know who Gina is.
Oh boy, this is the part where I come to the end of a long story, have so much I want to say and then end up saying nothing. Alright then, bare with me...


First let me say that I've always kinda liked Carl. Maybe it's because I've always had a soft spot for those muppets who were often misunderstood or maligned.




Robin
"grr"
Carl...
Now after reading this story I can add

to the list. The other reason is because, naeve as it may seem, I figure hey, deep down he's a muppet! As wild, unpredictable and even sometimes dangerous as some of the muppets might be, there's a little sweetness in all of them, and they never intend to cause serious harm to anyone, except in cases of retribution or good Vs. evil, of course. Also, Carl doesn't act out of cruelty or hatred of muppets the way some of the monsters do. He does it strictly for entertainment, because he's a showman first and foremost. I do believe that after so many years working together, he has some sort of fondness for Snookie more than just as his "torture doll," lol. After the pie scene, I did find myself hoping things turned out well for him in the end. If anyone figured out his deception...

Speaking of Beaker, Bunsen's obliviousness was really getting to me as well! Glad he actually started to show a little concern for his assistant in the end.
I know now Snookie's just so relieved to be out of there, and happy to see his cousin and all, but here's what I was thinking even since the beginning of this story. After so long of doing this, he must be working on autopilot and adrenolin. Once he's out of that situation, that adrenolin's gonna fade, and I see him crashing. Several elusions have been made to his malnutrician, lack of decent sleep, lack of proper hygiene... I kinda see him taking a while to recuperate at Newsy and Gina's. Maybe at least send him to the hospital to get checked out
The scene where Gina and Newsy reunite, and just before that, was very touching. Gina being so afraid of her appearance, and not wanting Newsy to see her. All I could think was "Gina, love shouldn't need to hide..." Then this song started playing in my head.

That's all for now. Will probably come back with more later.