Secret Agent Clifford

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 1

Clifford had been out of town for a family reunion, and had just gotten back. He went to the Muppet theatre.

"I'm back, Kermit!", said Clifford.

"Welcome back, Clifford", said Kermit, "How was the family reunion?"

"Disapointing", said Clifford, "Anyway, can I do an act on the show this week?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Clifford", said Kermit, "But we've got full shows for the enxt three weeks."

"Oh, I understand", said Clifford, who then walked away.

"Man, I don't get to be on the show much anymore", said Clifford, "I never should have accepted that hosting job."

Clifford then tripped over his shoelaces, and then he saw a pair of feet in front of his face. He looked up, and saw a bearded man.

"You have a look", said the man, "If you'd like to have a job, meet me in that sewer over there at 3 a.m."

"Okay", said Clifford.

Clifford walked away, thinking, "I'm going to be a model!"

Clifford showed up late at night.

"Well, it's 15 seconds before he shows up", said Clifford, "I'm sure I'm in the right sewer."

The man showed up.

"Good, let's step into my office", said the man.

"So, what kind of a model am I going to be?", asked Clifford.

"You're not going to be a model", said the man, "You're going to be... Well, I'll tell you soon enough."

They went to the office.

"I am the chief of a top secret organization", said the chief, "It's so top secret that I can't tell you what t's called. Anyway, would you like to be a secret agent, or do I have to move my central location?"

"I'll be a secret agent, chief!", said Clifford, "What's my assignment, and what's the pay?"

"A rare Ruby Camel from the desert of Pay Pal-O-Lot has been stolen, and we've heard gossip that it's been taken somewhere at the north pole", said the chief, "And you're pay is 14 dollars a day, plus two expenses."

"So shouldn't I get some sort of secret code name?", asked Clifford.

"We'll call you Agent #1989", said the chief, "How's that sound?"

"How's it sound?", asked Clifford, "It's basically my year of birth!"

"Good", said the chief, "And it beats calling you Secret Agent Clifford."

Cut to an animated movie theater, where Peter Griffin was watching this fan fic.

"Yay!", said Peter, "They said the title! They said the title!"

 

[dwayne1115]

Sounds very interesting!

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 2

The chief was getting ready to show Clifford his secret agent gadgets.

"This is your suit", said the chief, showing Clifford a black tuxedo and some sunglasses.

"That looks nice", said Clifford, "But I already have a pair of sunglasses, that looks like that."

"Oh, but these are better", said the chief, "They are bullet-proof, and they have a nuclear effect, protecting your eyes from really bright lights."

"Cool!", said Clifford.

"And this bowtie can shoot bullets", said the chief.

"Anything else my wardrobe can do?", asked Clifford.

"Yes", said the chief, "It can keep you warm with nuclear heat, the cufflinks can shoot ropes with hooks, the shoes cna transform into rocket skis or skates, and there is a jet pack hidden in the back of the jacket."

"Hmm", said Clifford, "Sounds suspiciously like a Jackie Chan movie."

"And now let me introduce you to your sidekick, Steven S.", said the chief.

"Hi, I'm Steven S.", said Steven, "I can navigate your special vehicle, use my nuclear encyclopedia to solve anything you need to figure out, speak forty languages...."

"Uh, Steven...", said the chief, "You were hired specifically to be a comical sidekick, not a logical straight man."

"Oops, sorry!", said Steven S.

"Did he say that I have a special vehicle?", asked Clifford.

"Yes, he did", siad the chief, "You will be riding in a jet plane, the first of it's kind to be able to travel underwater as well as in the air. And it has a plasma TV, a Tivo, the ultimate iPod, and a collection of comic books, courtesy of Boom! Studios."

"Souds great!", said Clifford, "Let's get dangerous!"

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 3

They got in the special jet and headed towards the north pole.

"So, what do we know about this rare Ruby Bird?", asked Clifford.

"I'm sorry", said Steven, "I would give you a proper answer, but I was hired to be a comical sidekick. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah", said Clifford, "Well, can I use that ultimate iPod?"

"Oh, sure", said Steven, "It contains more than 50 kazillion songs, from every band, group, and singer you could want to hear. It's got stuff from The Beatles, The Monkees, The Backstreet Boys, Miley Cyrus, Willie Nelson, ELvis Presley, Cher, The Carpenters, Weird Al Yankovic, Ray Stevens, the singer who sang Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer..."

"What about Solid Foam?", asked Clifford.

"Solid Foam?", asked Steven, "I never heard of it."

"Oh, I was the bass player in that band", said Clifford, "We had this robotic keyboard player named Digit, and this rockin', mumblin saxaphone player named Flash, this guitar player named Beard, and this drummer named..."

But then the plane had crashed into a mountain.

"Steven, why didn't you watch where you werte going?", asked Clifford.

"You distracted me with your conversation", said Steven, "And I'm supposed to be comical."

"Well, it looks like we're at the north pole", said Clifford.

They got out of the jet.

"I'm going to use my jet ski shoes to get out of this mountain quickly", said Clifford.

"I'll grab onto your back", said Steven, "I don't have such shoes."

So they went down the mountains.

"You are a real pro", said Steven.

"Thanks", said Clifford, "And it's my first try, too!"

Clifford then started to slip.

"I'll say it's your first try", said Steven.

They went off the cliff, blasted downward.

"We're going to crash!", screamed Steven.

"Don't worry", said Clifford, "There's a river down there, and these skis apparantly work on water, too!"

"Don't you think it's strange that the water in the river at the north pole hasn't turned to ice?", asked Steven.

They got onto the water, and Clifford quickly repositioned his skis so that he could ski on the water.

"This is the only way to ski!", said Steven.

But then the power started "popping".

"Oh, no!", said Clifford.

"That's my line", said Steven.

The jet then stopped, and they fell into the water.

"Man, it sure is cold udner here", said Steven.

And then a big whale ate the two whole.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 4

They were inside the whale, and it sure was dark.

"Can your suit or your sunglasses light up?", asked Steven.

"No", said Clifford, "And I wish it could clean itself. It feels nasty in here."

Suddenly a light came on, and they saw the Ruby Bird.

"It's the Ruby Bird", said Steven.

"We found you", said Clifford, "So I guess we should arrest this whale."

"Not exactly", said the Ruby Bird, "I was kidnapped by some group of freaks, and I just escaped when suddenly, this whale ate me."

"Well, let's get out of here and send you home", said Clifford.

"Actually", said the Ruby Bird, "I kind of prefer being here over being in the desert."

"Oh", said Steven.

"Well, will you at least take us to the people who kidnapped you?", asked Clifford.

"I'd rather not", said the Ruby Bird.

"But I need to arrest them", said Clifford.

"Oh, well, in that case I'll gladly take you to them", said the Ruby Bird.

Bu then they felt something moving. The whale was caught in a net, and put onto a boat. Clifford, Steven, and the Ruby Bird then slipped out of the Whales mouth.

"Oh, this whale just gave birth", said the whaler.

"Hey, we need to go soemwhere", said Clifford.

"Hey, I recognize you!", said the whaler.

"Oh, would you like an autograph, or do you resent me for taking that hosting job?", asked Clifford.

"I'm not talkin' too you", said the whaler, "I was talking to the Ruby Bird. Oh, the gang will be happy to see you back!"

"Oh, so I guess we're going to find them after all", said Steven.

"I'll have to tie you three up", said the whaler.

So the three were tied up in the dungeon.

"Well, at least I'll be able to find the criminals", said Clifford.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 5

"I wonder how we can get out of here", said Clifford.

"The same way I escaped", said the Ruby Bird, who broke apart the bars on his cage just by tappin gthem with his fingers, "They don't make them like they used to."

Clifford and Steven, who had their hands chained to a bar, pulled their arms and were lose, too.

"Okay, so we can just stay down here until...", said Clifford, until the bottom of the ship started leaking.

"Let's get out of here", said Steven, who pressed a button on his suit, causing it to inflate like a blimp.

They got off the boat, and Clifford and the Ruby Bird rode on top of Steven.

"Well, there it is", said the Ruby Bird.

Clifford and Steven were both impressed. they got out of the water, Steven's outfit deflated back to normal.

"Now, I wonder how we'll sneak in", said Steven.

"No, no, no", said the Ruby Bird, "Not that house. That's Santa's Workshop. I was referring to the house next to the workshop."

Clifford and Steven observed it. It looked like a badly-built outhouse.

"Man, I hope it doesn't smell bad", said Clifford.

They snuck to the outhouse, but then the door opened, three nooses shot out around their heads, and they were dragged in.

 

[JEANYLASER]

That's awesome I can't wait to read more suspense!

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 6

The nooses sent them through the toilet and down into a darkened area.

"How'd that happen?", asked Steven.

"Aren't you supposed to be a comical sidekick?", asked Clifford.

"Oh, sorry", said Steven, "I meant, uh, let's do that again!"

"Silence!", yelled a familiar voice.

"Wait, that voice sounds familiar...", thought Clifford.

The lights turned on, and Clifford saw the members of his old band, Solid Foam (and the familiar voice, for those wondering, was that of Beard's).

"Wait... Are you the Ruby Bird thieves?", asked Clifford.

"There was no thief", said Beard.

Flash mumbled something.

"But why?", asked Clifford.

Flash mumbled again.

"Oh, that explains things", said Clifford.

"SO this is that band you were telling me about", said Steven.

"Not now, Steven", said Clifford.

"But that's right", said Digit, "This has all been one elaborate set-up."

"Once the band ended", said Beard, "We've hardly gotten any work, while you've continued to work with the Muppets."

"But... but...", said Clifford, "You all still make occassional appearances in this story's writers other fan fics."

"Not cannon enough", said Beard.

"But I've got a cannon here", said Digit, bringing out a cannon and pointing it at Clifford.

"But... uh...", said Clifford, "I have hardly ahd any real Muppet jobs since The Muppets Wizard of Oz."

"Man, I hated that movie", said Digit, "I should have played the wizard!"

The Chief then came in.

"Oh, Chief", said Clifford, "I'm glad you're here. These people have set up the robbery of the Ruby Bird!"

"Actually, I am the main mastermind behind all this", said the chief.

"WHa...wh..whaaaaa....", said Clifford, not knowing what to say.

"I hated Muppets Tonight, especialy you", said the chief, "And when I met your former band one day, we hatched a plann to get rid of you."

"And I am the chief's landlord", said the Ruby Bird, "And I'm a lot smarter than he is, so I told him of a great cover!"

"Exactly", said the chief, "I knew where to find you, this Ruby Bird told me what to say, and I gave you confidence, making you think I wanted you to be a spy. Or Agent Number 1989. Or secret agent Clifford."

"Steven, are you in on this, too?", asked Clifford.

"no, I knew nothing about it", said Steven.

"And if only he wasn't hired to be a comical sidekick", said the chief, "He would have been able to figure all this out once you got to the north pole."

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 7

"Digit, fire the cannon!", said the chief.

"Will do!", said Digit.

"Wait!", said Clifford, "There is something familiar about this."

"Big deal", said Beard.

"Wait, I know!", said Clifford, "This is just a dream!"

"What?", said everybody in the room.

"Oh, yeah", said Clifford, "Every week since Pierce Bronsman was our gues tstar I've had this dream once or twice a week. Three times a week on leap years."

"That is crazy talk", said the chief.

Flash mumbled something in agreement.

"And this is the first time I acknowledged that this was a dream", said Clifford.

"Hey, Clifford", said Steven, "I just noticed that the chief's head looks like it can come off."

"That must be a mask", said Clifford.

"No, no!", said the chief.

Steven quickly pulled off the mask. And the true identity was... The Two-Headed Monster, both heads scrunched in the mask.

The Two-Headed Monster then argued with himself, incohherently.

"And I bet you are wearing a mask, too", said Clifford, to the Ruby Bird.

"Uh, no...", said the Ruby Bird.

But Clifford quickly pulled his mask off, and the identity was... The Nostalgia Critic.

"Hi, I'm the Nostalgia Critic", said the critic, "I remember it so you don't have to."

"So, let me guess why you did it", said Clifford, "You must have hated me being the host of Muppets Tonight."

"Actually, I did it because this is a dream", said the Nostalgia Critic.

And then, the dream ended. Clifford woke up, on the sidewalk that he fell on earlier.

"Man, just one trip put me to sleep", said Clifford.

"Yeah, I guess it was a terrible idea using steel cement for the sidewalk", said a construction worker.

Clifford then looked at a street sign, reading "Plot Twist Ave."

"Makes sense", said Clifford.

Clifford walked a few blocks and then saw Kermit the Frog.

"Hey, Clifford!", said Kermit, "You'll never guess what happened. Three of this weeks acts have cancled. Would you like to do something on this weeks show?"

"Oh, sure!", said Clifford, "But, uh, can you also get the rest of Solid Foam to appear on the show with me?"

"Of course", said Kermit, "And also, our guets star for next week cancled. Do you have any reccommendations?"

"How about the Nostalgic Critic?", asked Clifford.

"That's a grea tidea", said Kermit, "We did schedule The Angry Video Game Nerd, so this wouldn't be too different."

The End

 

[Stan Davis]

Who perform these characters
The Chief
Ruby Bird
Whalers
Construction Worker