PIGS IN SPACE: Karnlyn Carnage (FanFic)

[Fozzie Bear]

YAY! HA, glad you liked it. Now, my favorite Episode Title:
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EPISODE FOUR
MY ASTEROID ITCHES

And now…PIGS IN SPACE! Starring the conspicuous Captain Link Hogthrob; the dazzling First Mate Miss Piggy; and the peculiar Dr. Julius Strangepork.

When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek, it was headed toward a place that no visitors lived to talk about.

On a planet that was far away from the current course of the Swinetrek, the Pukebian Sector’s leader, Lord Purjebinj, sat in his cold and stale throne room awaiting the arrival of news regarding the battle for the Karnlyn. He had waited patiently, looking out of a large window into the darkened night skies and into the direction of the Rangmorian Sector. Once in a while, a ship from his battle fleet flew overhead. Lord Purjebinj was rather astonished to discover that his own forces have been held back with great force from the weak Ignoramous and Xapflarpians.

“Never fear,” he said to his Chief Officer. “Our forces are gaining strength as I have sent message of full report to my brother across the galaxy to bring reinforcements. We will crush these people and take their precious energy sources, and destroy all those who get in our way, including their home planets! Then no one will stand in the way of me and universal domination!”

“Except your brother, Lord,” said the Chief Officer.

“And even that,” Evil Lord Purjebinj said with a grin, “shall be dealt with in due time!”
Elsewhere…

THUNK! Everything had been quiet on board the Swinetrek when suddenly there was a loud bang upon the shell of the ship, and then again: THUNK!!

“What was THAT?!” Strangepork shouted.

First Mate Piggy looked at her monitor, “I think it was something hitting the ship!”

Link leaned over to his Science Officer, “I think it was First Mate Fatso popping a seam!” They laughed, and Piggy looked over at them. “Did you say something, Captain?”

“No,” Link replied, clearing his throat.

THUNK!

“Well, we must do something, Captain!” Strangepork knew that there was a problem.

“Right-o, Strangepork!” Link opened the main viewer screen and peered out. There, ahead of them, lay a vast span of debris and rock. “Oh, rock and roll!”
THUNK!

Craniac, the Scientific Student, ran into the bridge full of panic, “Dr. Strangepork! We have a leak in the internal valves of the ship! Oxygen is starting to leak out!”

“Oh no!” Hogthrob shouted, taking a deep breath and holding it.

“Loser!” Piggy said looking at her Captain. “Craniac, which hall is it in?”

“B-North!”

THUNK! And suddenly the red lights and sirens began going off. Miss Piggy threw a lever and pushed a button, and the hall B-North was closed off from the rest of the ship. Unfortunately, the red lights and sirens were still going off.

“What now?” First Mate Piggy asked out loud.

Capt. Hogthrob pointed at his console, then his eyes rolled back in his head, “Mugh.” and he slid out of his seat and onto the floor.

“Link never was one to hold his breath very long!” Strangepork said. “Good news is, we won’t lose any more oxygen; bad news is we have lost our left rocket.”

“We have 3 more though, Dr. Strangepork,” Craniac offered.

Dr. Strangepork grabbed his arm. “Our left rocket is the one which allows us to turn. As it stands we can only move up, down, and left. If we go left continuously, we‘ll only go in circles and certainly end up perishing against an asteroid!”

Indeed, the left rocket caused the ship to turn right, and the right rocket thrust the ship to turn left. It was all backwards, like a puppeteer watching a monitor.

“I don’t understand any of this,” Piggy said.

Link rose from beneath the control desk, “What’s going on now?”

“You passed out, you twit!” First Mate Piggy had, over the years, grown a short fuse for her Captain’s antics.

“Captain,” Dr. Strangepork began, “Craniac and I will choose one other crewman and brave the unknown to go out and repair the jet. According to our computer, it was only knocked loose and can be bolted back down to the ship! That will be repair enough.”

Link had a way of almost always diverting their trips away from asteroid fields in space, regardless how dim-witted he ever was (he accredited that talent to video games), but being in the middle of such a field as this put the entire ship and crew at danger. Moreover, it put Dr. Strangepork, Craniac, and whichever private on the ship at risk while they repaired the ship which had to sail through the asteroids by re-bolting the loose jet to the Swinetrek and reconnect its loosened wires.

Preparing his farewell for his Science Officer, Link stopped just below the platform that would send Strangepork and the others into space, “It is a far braver thing that you do now in the name of science, Dr. Strangepork, than either I, or First Mate Piggy, have ever done!”

“Yeah? Well, I have to ride with YOU at the wheel, Hogthrob!” Piggy snapped, then turning sweeter. “Please be careful, Dr. Strangepork, and Craniac, and-and-whoever you are.”

“Yo!” waved the other pig.

Link and Piggy stepped back away from the platform, and Link pushed a button. A toilet flushed near-by. “Oh! Wrong button! Haaaa.” Pushing another button, the platform rose and carried the three pigs into the outer hull of the ship where, after one final tug, Dr. Strangepork pulled a lever and they were exposed to outer space!

This is where the trickiest part of the job came as Strangepork and the others, connected by cables from inside the hull of the Swinetrek, had to force their magnetic shoes to come away from the ship as they walked down the side toward the ruined jet, carrying the equipment they needed to do the repairs while the ship coasted along through the asteroids. Link had slowed the ship’s pace down as low as he could go without pausing in space, so he was able to maneuver through the flying space boulders.

“Be careful boys!” Strangepork warned as the others followed him. “Come in, Link! Can you hear me?”

“Loud and clear, Dr.,” the Captain responded.

“I said, can you hear me?”

“I said, loud and Clear, Dr!”

“Maybe it would help,” Piggy offered, “if you just turned on your microphone?”

“It might,” Link said, clicking a switch, and then leaning close to the microphone. “I can hear you!”

“OY!” Strangepork exclaimed. “Too loud, Captain!”

Link turned down his volume, “Better?”

“Much!”

It was about that time that First Mate Piggy realized an odd blip on the radar screen. It wasn’t one of their own ships, and as far as she could tell, they were alone in the asteroid field, until she turned on the external cameras and her monitor showed a ship with a green glow around it. It was another spacecraft and was egg shaped, and while the asteroids weren’t hitting it, it was bouncing around. Apparently they had a force field, which the Swinetrek did not.

“Wonder what one does to get a job working for them?” She wondered, and then turning her attention on the window before them as the captain was gliding between the asteroids. It was nice, she thought, of her Captain to slow the ship down as they flew through space. She got up to go over to Dr. Strangepork’s seat where, on his monitor, she could see their repairs taking place.


Every once in a while the little floating stones that came off the asteroids after they had smashed into one another were causing the current mission of repairing the jet more dangerous for Dr. Strangepork and his team of workers as the little rocks smacked the side of the ship and shook it. Link would have landed the ship on one of the asteroids, but there were two problems with that: 1) the asteroids were constantly in motion, so it would have been too hard to find the right spot and, 2) the asteroids were constantly crashing into one another. And even now they tempted the danger of being crushed between two of the giant asteroids. And we all know that the photon lasers, which they used in battle, wouldn’t dent a giant rock.

“Oh, Captain Hogthrob,” Miss Piggy sighed, “please be careful!”

“I plan to, First Mate Piggy,” Link responded. “It’s just like playing those video games down in the commons area.”

“Yeah, but if you mess up here, it’ll take more than a token to play again!”

“You’re right,” Link said. “It takes TWO tokens to play again!” He continued to dodge the giant asteroids. “Ten points!” He’d shout as they passed a giant rock, “Twenty! First Mate Piggy, keep score! I might win!”

“Oh, brother!” She grunted.

Out on the hull of the ship, Dr. Strangepork, Craniac, and the Private did not talk much as they edged their way down the side of the ship, and already knew what their jobs were to get it working again. Slight panic would streak through their pig bodies as the smaller rocks would shake the ship, or come very close to hitting them.

They had to brace the base of the loosened jet open to reach in and repair the wiring, and then remove those braces to insert new bolts to keep it attached to the Swinetrek. It took every bit of two hours to get the work done, and they were finally able to climb their way back up to the portal from which they exited to the hull of the ship.

Link had to completely shut the power to the Swinetrek off in order to get the one jet to start, and this is where everything would become most dangerous of all because during that period of time he would be unable to dodge any on-coming rocks. With the flick of the switch, the Swinetrek slowed as the engines died down.

“Not yet, Captain!” Julius shouted as he and the others opened the portal, but with the power shut down Link could not hear him. Craniac jumped into the half-open portal door, and just as the Private pig was about to enter, the thrusters flared up and the ship jerked forward a little, and he slipped backward and hit his head knocking him out cold. Had it not been for Craniac, the Private may have floated out of the ship door and, although connected to the ship by strong cords, could have been pelted to death by the smaller flying debris in the area.

First Mate Piggy was watching the monitor and had seen what all was going on. In a panic she screamed, “Link!” and then, looking ahead of the ship, she saw yet another frightening view, “Look out!” The Captain’s thumb shot into his mouth, “Oh no!” Outside on the hull of the ship, Julius stopped handing down the tools which they had used and looked ahead as a loud, crunching, crashing sound came from ahead, “Oh, dear!” And there it was, the worst possible thing that could have happened to them that day.

There before them, two gigantic asteroids had crashed together, and were rolling against each other like a meat grinder, causing the smaller rocks caught between them to turn to gravel. It seemed like the Swinetrek would be turned into sausage patties. If the ship hadn’t already been damaged with a need to be re-started they could have glided right on around this new catastrophe. Not knowing what else to do, Link hit the emergency buttons and put the reverse thrusters on, but it wouldn’t help, as the speed of the giant asteroids was far faster than they were going in reverse.

The Private woke up and saw Craniac reaching out and grabbing the tools from Dr. Strangepork, and then they both grabbed Strangepork’s legs and pulled him into the ship, closing the hatch. “I’m sorry boys,” Julius said. “It is over for us.”
Watching the grinding stones come nearer to them every second, and realizing that it would be a futile attempt to even try to thrust forward as they would only hit another asteroid, there was very little hope in the bridge of the Swinetrek. Captain Hogthrob and First Mate Piggy reached over and hugged each other.

“It’s been great working with you, Captain,” Miss Piggy said, weeping.

“I want my mommy!” cried the Captain.

They closed their eyes tight as the stones crunched right before them, but suddenly, a bright green light surrounded them and they felt themselves being pulled away at a great speed. Both of them opened their eyes.

“That didn’t hurt so bad! Where’s the tunnel?’ First Mate Piggy asked. “I don’t see the tunnel!”

“Maybe you’re going the OTHER way,” Link said.

“Well,” Piggy began, “If I’m going there, you are too!”

“NOOOO!!” Link shouted, grabbing his head. “They’ll mess up my hair there.”

Julius ran into the bridge of the ship, and the doctor took his seat back from Piggy. Once Piggy took her own seat, she heard Julius laughing wildly and cheering, and then he flipped some switches and the view screen behind their seats lit up, green for a moment, and then the picture was clear. It was a giant egg-shaped craft and a green beam was shooting from it. “That ship,” Strangepork began, “has shot a tractor beam at us! It is pulling us away from this catastrophe!”

Link’s eyes lit up, he had an idea. Everyone was at first confused when he turned off all reverse thrusters, but then had the right turning thrusters powered, causing the ship to turn around, and then they realized what he was doing.

Barely ahead of the grindstones, Link used the force of the green light powered by his own ship’s thrusters to fly the Swinetrek away from the stones and toward the other ship. Soon enough, everyone on board the Swinetrek were cheering as the ship was taken away from the asteroids at a speed fast enough to get them all to safety.

The grinding asteroids were now separated and flying in different directions, away from either of the two ships. The Swinetrek was quickly alongside the egg-shaped ship when the green light then engulfed both ships. The Swinetrek’s control panel went under the controls of the egg-ship, and was driven along beside the egg-ship upwards through the asteroid field and into outer space above it, and further away even.

“What’s happening, Captain?” Julius asked, looking around. “Captain?”

“Where’d he go?” First Mate Piggy asked.

There came a sound of flushing from the halls behind the bridge of the ship, and then Link re-entered the control room, “That’s better now.”

“Captain,” Julius began, “we’re still in a tractor beam of some sort being dragged away by these other people who saved us.”

“What could it mean?” Piggy asked.

“Who could it be?” Link asked.

 

[Fozzie Bear]

EPISODE FIVE
BIRDS OF A FEATHER

And now…PIGS IN SPACE! Starring the evident Captain Link Hogthrob; the alluring First Mate Miss Piggy; and the atypical Dr. Julius Strangepork.
When last we left the crew of the Swinetrek, they were in tow by an alien spacecraft.


Once the ships were far away and out of danger of the asteroid field, the green light subsided and the egg-shaped ship turned around facing the Swinetrek. A bright light shone forth from the ship toward the Swinetrek and then the view screen behind them began to beep. They turned to face an odd looking creature who was looking back at them from the other ship.

“Are you there?” asked the creature.

“Hideous!” Piggy gasped, turning on the picture phone, then responding, “We are here.”

“For many miles we have traveled in search of my bodacious baby brother, and yet we have found him nowhere,” the captain of the other ship said. “Have you, in your travels, seen a hook nosed creature like myself?”

“No,” Link said, “But I bet he’s a heck of a fisherman!” And then he laughed at his own joke. “Thank you and your people for saving the Swinetrek! We are indebted to you.”

“You are welcome to the greatest degree,” the captain said. “And should you ever see any hook-nosed creatures, please be so kind and repay our help by having him contact us with this!” A flash appeared in the ship’s bridge and there was a golden egg, the size of your fist. “There’s a button on the top of that egg, oh righteous Captain, that will contact us when pushed. Just let us know if you find him, please.”

“We shall!” Link said. “Thank you again!”

The picture was gone and the egg-ship shot off through space. Captain Hogthrob clicked on to the ship’s control buttons and powered up, flying off through space.

Elsewhere, another crew of pigs was being assembled. Gen. Bay Kenn had called all the squadrons together and had them all prepared for take off.

“Men,” the General began after clearing his throat, his chest held high, “today you all embark on a mission to the Rangmorian Sector where you will help in the defense of the Rangmor’s Ignoramou people. They have been in battle with the Pukebian Vomitians over their power source, Karnlyn. So far, they have been keeping the Vomitians at bay, but the Vomitians have completely destroyed the army of one small planet, and the battalions of the Ignoramous and Xapflarpians are now dwindling.

“I’ve sent along the crew of the Swinetrek directly to the Pukebian sector to confuse the Vomitians to think that our fleet has arrived there. Once they think the Swinetrek is a sign that our entire army is there, and take our decoys…uh…Goodwill Ambassadors as POWs, we will do everything we can to save our Science and Research Team,” adding under his breath, “regardless how useless and costly they are.”

General Kenn then rolled out a giant map and gave the crews of the Swinefleet directions and the remainder of the instructions, ending with, “Men, now is not a time of mistakes! Lives are at stake here, both those we go to save and ours! We will pounce upon the Vomitians with a powerful force unlike any they have ever seen before, and defeat them, and bring home the Karn-er-save the home planets of the Rangmorians! You leave at 20:00 hours, men. Good luck.”

The men all prepared for their mission, and Lt. Col. Stypeg walked up to Gen. Kenn. “Sir, forgive me for being so blunt, but it seems you may have an alternate plan here.”

“You, sir, do not dare come to me with such hypocrisy!” Gen. Kenn had turned pale and angry at the same time. “I have not gained the power of General in the Swinefleet by being underhanded, Lt. Col.” Gen. Kenn practically snarled when saying those lower rank titles to Lt. Col. Stypeg. “You will stand down, soldier, and you will back away from this mission and forget about it, and you will keep your mouth closed about this mission, and never speak to me like that again, and that IS an order!”

Gen. Kenn stormed off, and the Lt. Col., though he felt 2 inches tall, knew that things coming from the General’s mouth during his speech to the armies weren’t sounding like orders from above. “The man is crazy sounding to me! He should know that decoys don’t work, and that if we plan on winning this battle his plans are wrong! We should be attacking the home planet in the Pukebia Sector, and bring down their head and then we have the control over the army.” Lt. Col. Stypeg began walking in circles. He knew that time was short but there was very little he could do about it.

Since the beginning, the fate of the crew of the Swinetrek sat heavy on his heart, and there was not one thing he could do about any of it. Not now, because his orders were to back away from, and keep his mouth closed about, the mission. If he so much as spoke about the mission to anyone he could be court-marshaled and, in Styopia, that would not be a good thing to have happen. He decided to go to his quarters and consider what could be done.

Gliding along through space the crew of the Swinetrek were readying for supper. The Captain’s understudy, Private Pighead, had been called into the bridge by Link.

“Pvt. Pighead,” Link began, “we are going down to the mess hall for slop time, and I need you to man the ship again. You know how to run all this equipment by now, after all, you were taught by the best!”

“Oui, Capitan!” Pighead answered. “First Mate Piggy did a wonderful job teaching me.”

“Why, thank you Pighead!” She squealed.

“You taught me a few good things, too, Capitan!”

“Of course I did,” Link said proudly. Then, he looked at Piggy, then at Pighead.

“Wait…um…”

“Din-din’s ready, Captain,” Piggy said, she and Strangepork walking out of the ships bridge.

“Din-din!” Capt. Hogthrob ran out of the bridge after them as Pighead sat at the controls.

Pighead loved sitting in the captain’s seat looking out of the windshield of the Swinetrek, which from outside looked like the right eye of a giant metal pig. Though he wanted to captain his own ship one day, he wasn’t much for fighting, but he did determine that having a job like Link’s would be fun. He wanted all of those things that came with being a Captain: A ship, a crew, and a cape, a Captain’s Log. And there was Link’s log, lying there under the control panels. “I suppose they could burn it if it got too cold.” It was a log of wood after all.

Craniac entered the bridge and had some food for both himself and Pighead. There were some sandwiches, chips, and some type of gruel. There was mystery meat, as always, and some kind of green liquid to wash it all down with. That was all for Pighead. Craniac had some kind of curdled liquid stuff, kind of like cottage cheese, but greener and fuzzier.

“That is disgusting!” Pighead said to Craniac. “Go sit over there, I cannot see you while I eat. It’s like watching brains eating mush!”

“Eh, you get used to it,” said Craniac. He never had to eat alone, all the other soldiers could eat with him because he was so well liked. “Besides, Captain Hogthrob and Dr. Strangepork seem to be nurturing us to work with one another.”

“It’ll never happen,” Pighead said, and then from the console there came a ‘beep!’ “What was that?”

Craniac looked over, “I don’t know.” Beep. “It did it again! Look there, on the monitor!” There was a green dot on the console monitor that was flying in their direction. “Not another asteroid!”

“No! It isn’t, listen!” Pighead said. There was static coming from the speakers. “Listen! Voices!”

Through the static they heard, “Mayday-mayday-maydayyyyyip.”

Looking out the window of the Swinetrek, they saw a round saucer shaped ship fly past them at a high rate of speed and toward a piece of rock floating below them.

“Hey, this used to be something here,” Craniac said. He ran into the hall and opened a panel door. There was a map behind there. He measured off their course and discovered that right below them used to exist a planet called Melmac. “Talk about your copyright infringing crossovers!” Now, all that was there was just a piece of rock where that saucer ship was landing.

“Mayday mayday! Mayday mayday!” came the static voice.

Pighead slowed the ship down and called for Link, Piggy, and Julius. Once they arrived and were briefed on the recent events, Link took the controls and planned on landing the Swinetrek on the remainder of what used to be a planet.

“The only life forces I find,” Julius said, “are two from the spacecraft.” He continued to show Craniac the infrared heat coming from those two bodies.
“They are still alive! They’re moving.”

Once the Swinetrek was landed, beside the saucer shaped ship, an oxygen reading was taken, but none existed outside. They watched as the little ship sputtered and inched its way across what appeared to have once been a yard. A metal shield opened up and a glass dome rose, and in it were two very strange-looking creatures.

“Well, at least they don’t have horrible noses,” First Mate Piggy said.

“Mayday mayday! Mayday mayday!” Then one of the creatures turned toward the Swinetrek, got the other’s attention, and then rapidly swaying back and forth, both disappeared.

“They don’t have horrible noses,” Link said, “but they sure are haunted!”

Suddenly, behind them all they heard a sizzle and zapping sound, and then turned to see the same aliens appearing before them.

“Peace!” said the orange one. He had a funnel-like mouth with two round eyes and antennae on top of the head. It looked more like a squid than anything-except furry.

“Mayday!” said the violet colored one.

“Yip yip yip yip!” they said in unison.

“Pigs,” said the orange one. “Pig. Pig. Yip yip yip yip!”

“Yip yip yip yip, uh-huh, uh-huh, Pig!” the violet one agreed.

“At least they’re agreeable,” First Mate Piggy said.

“What seems to have been the problem?” Strangepork asked.

“Ship, broke! Yip yip yip, uh-huh.”

“Broke ship! Yip yip.” Said the violet one. It seemed that the orange one would speak first and would be followed by the violet one.

“Fuel. Need fuel. Yip yip yip yip,” they said.

“Oh, you need some gas?” Link asked.

“Gas?”

“Gas!”

“Gas? Book. Book book book, yip yip.” And from behind itself the violet one pulled out a book with strange markings all over it, and the two of them looked into it. “Gas? Gas! Yip yip yip. Errr…’liquid form of fuel used on earth’. Nope.”
“Nope nope nope nope!” They sang out in unison.

“Fuel, yip yip yip,” the orange one said. “No gas. Nope. Nooooope.”

First Mate Piggy pushed Strangepork out of her way, “Then what do you use for fuel?”

“Radish! Yip yip yip, need radish! Fuel!”

“Uh-huh, radish. Fuel. Yip yip yip.”

Link thought really hard. “Sorry, guys, I don’t think we actually loaded any radishes on board the ship before we took off. We don’t have any, er, fuel for you.”

“Nope?” asked the violet one. Both of them looked at one another and simultaneously said, “Aaaaaawwwwwww.”

“Yip,” said the orange one sadly, then perking up. “Phone? Phone phone phone?”

“Telephone!” Said the violet one. “Telephone! Brrrrrring! Brrrrrrrinnng! Yip yip yip!”

“We don’t have a phone,” Strangepork said, “but we do have a radio with intergalactic connections.”

“Radio! Radio! Yip yip yip! Uh-huh! Use radio!” They said, and then floated over to the radio, using their tentacles to dial in the controls and get on a frequency, and in the static it was heard, “Base! Base! Yip yip yip! Martian base, uh-huh! Over, yip.”

“Ship 6345789 broke, Melmac remnants, yip yip yip,” the orange one said.
“Assist! Assist! Uh-huh, yip yip yip.”

The radio sizzled and then, “Maintenance crew, yip yip yip. Uh-huh, on way!”

Link looked at Piggy, “Well, they certainly have their own way of communicating, don’t they?”

There was a sizzle in the radio and a whooshing sound, and suddenly there were three Martian ships. The orange one of the two faded from the bridge of the Swinetrek and went down to the troubled ship.

“So, you from around here?” Strangepork asked the violet Martian.

“Nope. Nope nope. Mars. Yip yip yip.”

“We know where Mars is,” Strangepork said. “We live on Earth.”

“Oooohhhhh! So sorry.” The violet one’s mouth dropped way open. “Earth! Earth! Yip yip yip! Been there!”

“Done that,” said the orange one appearing again. “Ship fixed, yip yip yip yip, fixed ship. Uh-huh!” Reaching behind itself, it pulled out an odd shaped box that had a green button on it and several wires coming off it. “Study earth, yip yip yip. Soon, be there. Call, uh-huh uh-huh.”

“Keep contact with you Martians?” Strangepork asked. “Wonderful! We will!”

“Okay,” said the violet one. “Yip yip yip, uh-huh.”

They both faded away, and the crew of the Swinetrek watched as the Martians reappeared in their ship, powered up, and then all four of the Martian ships shot off through space so quick you couldn’t even see them after a few seconds.
“Outta sight!” First Mate Piggy said.

Capt. Hogthrob put the gift in a box with the others he received from the ‘ugly noses’ and the Koozebanians, and sat at his seat. “Ready for continuation of this mission, men?”

“Ahem!” Miss Piggy cleared her throat.

“And lady?”

“Aye, aye, Captain!” Piggy and Strangepork said.

The thrusters were pressed, and off they went through space.

 

[Fozzie Bear]

EPISODE SIX
THE PIG HAS LANDED

And now…PIGS IN SPACE! Starring the palpable Captain Link Hogthrob; the enthralling First Mate Miss Piggy; and the mysterious Dr. Julius Strangepork.
When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek, it headed for an evil planet whose armies were being offensive.

In the Rangmorian Sector, more ships were arriving and the poor Ingoramous and Xapflarpians were dwindling more and more each day. The fighting was continuous with no stopping whatsoever. Since the planets of Ignoramou were large, they had enough citizens to partake of the battle, but the numbers were running short. Lord Purjebinj had received word that his brother, Gagolat, was landing just outside the palace, and so he went to his throne room to wait for him to come in.

Moments later, the doorman opened the door (of course) and stepped in, “Master Gagolat, my Lord.”

Gagolat, tall and dark with a flowing green beard entered the throne room, and his large, bulbous body pushed the doorman down onto the floor.

“Thank you, sir,” the doorman said to Master Gagolat as he bounded his way across the throne room to his brother.

Lord Purjebinj looked at him with a bored look, and in a bored voice said, “Hello, brother.”

“My men are preparing to enter into your battle, Purjebinj,” Master Gagolat said.

“In the matter of a few days they will be in the Rangmorian Sector, and the battle will be fought and won, and then I will have my share of the Karnlyn.”

“All orders have been given, then?”

“Yes they have, brother,” Gagolat said. “All that remains is for the men to carry their orders out.”

Purjebinj began fondling a lever next to his seat. “And they can do the rest on their own without further direction from you?”

Gagolat looked curiously at his brother, “Yes; but, what have you up your sleeve?”

Purjebinj began to grin, and looking evilly at his brother from under his brow, he yelled, “This!” and pulled the lever, sending his brother into the bowels of the palace where unspeakable evils and tortures were then placed upon Gagalot. As the little floor panel closed up, Purjebinj looked out the large bay window of his palace, and into the space above there. “Once this Karnlyn is mine, and I control the Rangmorian Sector, there will be nothing to stand between me and any of these other galactic Sectors! Yes, today Rangmor, tomorrow F-909, next week Milky Way, and next month the Universe!” He scratched his head, “Okay, so that’s big thinking, but I plan on taking as much as I can!”

Suddenly, a homeland soldier of Vomitia came running into the throne room, “Lord Purjebinj, our radars have detected a small craft in the outer rim of our galactic sector and it is headed in our direction. And it is not our ship, my Lord.”

“An alien ship dare enter my realm? Are they crazy? Perhaps they are just on a wrong course?”

“I don’t think so, my Lord. According to this read-out, it is one of the Swinefleet’s ships, from Styopia!”

Lord Purjebinj leaned forward in his throne, “One of the Swinefleet? What are they doing in this sector? Are they not only scientific missionaries?”

“No, my Lord,” the soldier said. “They do have a rather powerful army!”

“Then, let’s call back reinforcements from Rangmor and be on the ready. No one will stand between the Karnlyn and my destiny.”

A buzzing sound was heard from one of the computers behind the main deck’s chairs. First Mate Piggy walked over and pulled a ticker tape from the machine. It was an urgent message that she gave to the Captain.

“’Urgent!’” Link read, then looking at the others, “Must be something important.”

“Read on, Captain,” Strangepork said, anticipating the news.

“Yes, perhaps I should read on or otherwise we might not know…”

Miss Piggy took it as long as she could, “Oh, get on with it, Link!”

“Mmmm,” he grunted in agreement. “’This is to notify all members of the Swinefleet that we are entering into battle in the Rangmor Sector to save the Ignoramou people from extinction by the murderous Vomitians of the Pukebia Sector for the Rangmorian power source, Karnlyn.’ But, aren’t we on a mission to stop that battle?”

“Well, Link, that’s what they told us,” First Mate Piggy said. “Surely if we were going into a battle zone we would have been told.”

Strangepork went to the hall and looked on the map. “This shows that we are directly in the Pukebia Sector,” then he ran his finger down the map (across the galaxy), “and all the way over here is the Rangmor Sector. We’re no where near Rangmor.”

“Good,” said the Captain. “I’d hate to be tangled up in a war zone. Someone always gets hurt. Still, it’s probably safer at this point to be on the ready. Let’s be sure the enemy doesn’t hear us, so don’t use our airwaves or intercoms. Let’s get Pvt. Pighead and Craniac here, and gather together a few more Privates for a briefing.”
Strangepork hit a button on the computers behind their chairs to lock all the ship’s intercom systems, and then he and Piggy both ran out to gather those whom the Captain had mentioned.

In the Vomitian palace, a soldier ran to Lord Purjebinj, “We’ve sent up four ships to take care of our problem with the Swinefleet, my Lord.”

“No, don’t hurt them,” Purjebinj said. “Keep them alive and safe, and bring them to me. I can gather valuable information from them in the torture chambers to overthrow their puny battalion.” He walked over to a set of computers and cameras and screens.

Piggy was impressed with Link for having begun to act responsibly for a change, until they all returned and he was looking out the window sucking his thumb.

“What are you doing, Hogthrob?” she asked. “Your men and I are here!”

“Oh,” he said, his voice quivering as he pointed out the windshield of the ship, his hands shaking, “just look out there!”

Sure enough, they were surrounded by four of the Vomitian ships. This was normally a sign of impending doom, but they weren’t firing on the Swinetrek. Not yet at least. Still, they were all shaking in their boots.

Link turned to the others, “Quick, everyone. Put a buzz through the ship about what is happening. I want everyone at their battle stations, but I do NOT want anyone to open their laser gun compartments or fire without me telling them to do so, first.”

There was a beeping sound on the console, which meant someone was trying to contact them on the view screen. Link had everyone move out of view, and then he, Piggy, and Strangepork all took their seats.

“Just act natural,” said Link. “No worries.”

“Right,” agreed Piggy and Julius.

Link hit a button that made the view screen turn on, all three of them turned around to face the screen to show unity, and there was one of the hideous Vomitians. “Oh, PLEASE don’t blow us up!” Link shouted.

“Oh, good grief!” First Mate Piggy said, laying her forehead in her hands as Link fell to his knees. She put her hand under his arm and helped him back into his seat. “Stop begging, it’s so beneath us.”

“Speak for yourself, First Mate Piggy,” Link said. “I’ve been blown up before, it is not a pleasant experience!”

“Oh? Were you in battle?”

“No,” Link said. “A Hawaiian Luau.”

The Vomitian spoke, “State your business or suffer.”

Strangepork nudged his Captain’s arm, and Link spoke up, “Oh, um, I’m Link Hogthrob, Captain of the Swinetrek, and we are here from the Swinefleet on a diplomatic mission and must speak with your leader, Lord Purge-and-binge.”
Strangepork leaned quickly over to Link and whispered, “No, Link! It’s Purjebinj! Purge-and-binge is what she does!” He pointed to Piggy.

“Hey!” she snapped.

There was a click and the Vomitian was muted as he talked to someone else apparently on a different screen, then he clicked back, “Sorry, but we must destroy you now.”

“NO!” screamed everyone on the Swinetrek bridge.

“Chill, man,” said the Vomitian. “I’m only kidding. Lord Purjebinj is willing to see you. Land on the pad north of the palace, our men will meet you there and take you before his Lordship.” The screen went black, and Link turned around and pressed a button to shut it off from within.

“Well, that wasn’t so bad, now was it?” Link asked, hitting the thrusters to enter Vomitia’s atmosphere.

“No, it wasn’t,“ Piggy said, ”but do you have to be such a sniveling, whining baby and beg every time something happens?” Then she mocked him, “Oh, please don’t blow us up!”

“Well, it worked, didn’t it?” Link asked, guiding the ship to the palace’s northern landing pad. “Everything seems to be rather peaceful, no problems. Pretty easy to get in.”

“Almost too easy, Captain,” Pvt. Pighead said. “What are we to do?”

Link looked at Piggy and at Strangepork, then spoke, “The three of us are going to go off-board the ship and go before this Lord Purjebinj, we will follow our orders as diplomats and barter to maintain peace in the galaxy and have him withdraw his armies from the Rangmor sector. Pvt. Pighead, you will sit in my seat, Craniac in Strangepork’s seat, and should things go wrong, I shall give you notice to abandon this mission and flee.”

“It has just occurred to me, Captain,” said Strangepork, “that we do not have any training in keeping peace. Only exploring outer space!”

“I’m sure it won’t be too hard,” Link said, producing a package from his pocket. “I have suckers to share!”

“Why am I not surprised?” Asked Piggy.

The Swinetrek was landed and Link added a communicon to his utility belt so he could contact Pvt. Pighead if need be, and they lowered the gang plank of the ship from under the snout of the Swinetrek, which looked like the giant pig was opening its mouth. The crew exited the ship.

“So, Craniac,” Pvt. Pighead began when everyone left, “what do you think?”

“I dunno, why’re you asking me?”

“Well, ‘cause you are the brains!”

Looking at himself in a reflection off the Swinetrek’s windshield, Craniac responded proudly, “Yes, I am. Oh, yes, I am!”

Link, Piggy, and Strangepork walked forward toward the palace and were about to enter a large gate. “See? They’re rather nice people,” Link said as they entered the gate, only to find the three of them under the point of about a hundred photon guns. “Nice, but aggressive.”

And they were escorted into the palace.


Gen. Kenn was screaming into his ship’s microphone, “Onward, men! Today we shall have victory over the Vomitians!” He smiled to himself. Once the Vomitians were beaten, he could then overthrow the Ignoramou leader, and then take over the ownership of the Karnlyn, and had already worked out a plan to convince his soldiers to overthrow the Ignoramou leader. While Gen. Kenn would not accept the fact, greed turns one evil, and he had already crossed that line.

General Bay Kenn’s own ship was leading the entire Swinefleet into battle in the Rangmor Sector, followed closely by his master crewmen which he trained himself to perform as Captains (but without the rank). It was the soldiers of the Swinefleet who were under the wrong impression that they were going to save the Ignoramous from the Vomitians, not to help Gen. Kenn gain power over the Karnlyn. The only other person who had figured it out was Lt. Col. Stypeg, but he couldn’t change the upcoming events because Gen. Kenn had destroyed Stypeg’s computer and disabled his key card from all the other high security locations on the base. There was nothing he could do to stop what was about to take place.

Or could he?

The echoes of the stomping boots of the Vomitian soldiers were bouncing off the high, dark halls of the palace of Lord Purjebinj. Capt. Hogthrob, Dr. Strangepork, and First Mate Piggy were looking all over the hall, examining the palace as they walked. They noticed one room where there were computers, and on the screens they saw the carnage of the battle of the Rangmor Sector. In a room right next to that, they saw the Generals and Captains of the Pukebian warmongers. Next, they were led through a series of doors, and then they were taken into a hall so dark that you couldn’t see anything except the light at the end of the hall.

“See, Piggy?” Link said. “This is how it looks when you go through the tunnel to the OTHER place.”

“Shut up,” Piggy said.

Next, they found themselves in the throne room of Lord Purjebinj. It was cold, dark, and gloomy. Across a long room there was a small stage with a high throne on it. The light shone in from behind and all you could see was Lord Purjebinj’s hands on the arms of the chair. When they got across the room to the stage, they were forced to kneel, but immediately stood up.

“I beg your pardon!” First Mate Piggy said, her knees aching now from hitting the stony floor of the throne room.

“Hello, Swinefleet,” Purjebinj said. “I suppose you’ve come to tell me that you are going to go into battle against me to save the Ignoramous’ Karnlyn, aren’t you?”

Link looked at the others, “Um, no. We’ve come to ask you to please withdraw your armies and leave the galaxy at peace.”

“What makes you think simply asking me to do that will get it done?” Purjebinj crossed his legs on his throne. “For millions of years, the Pukebians have always been great and powerful warriors. Sure, many times we’ve had to start a battle to get what we needed or wanted, but we’ve also come under attack for no reason, and have always won all our battles. Now, the greatest power known in the universe has been made available to me by a weaker army and I plan on taking it at all costs.”

“Why not just buy some of it?” First Mate Piggy said. “You said you’d take it at all costs, so just buy some. I mean, you’re Lord of this planet, surely you have Platinum Credit?”

“Buy? Why buy when I can take? When I can own it all and have ultimate power over everyone everywhere in the Universe?” He looked at Strangepork. “If you had the opportunity to take the key to unlock the door to ultimate power, wouldn’t you take it?”

“Of course!” Strangepork responded. He noticed his two comrades glaring at him angrily. “Well, I have to tell the truth.” Then, he looked back at the Lord, “Lord Purjebinj, if it was there for the taking I would take it; but, when it belongs to someone else it is theirs and rightly so. Especially if they are a peaceable people and use it for the good of everyone, which is the case in this plight.”

“You’ve taken on a battle against a peaceful planet, Purjey,” Miss Piggy said, posing and trying to look sexy. “It’s not only unfair seeing as they didn’t even have much of an army, but they never did anything to harm you or your people. Won’t you just be a sweetie and pull your ittew bitty armies out and let things alone?”

Link looked at Purjebinj. “Please? Besides, it’ll save a lot of trouble because the entire battalion of the Swinefleet are on their way to the Rangmorian Sector to battle against your armies if you don’t.”

First Mate Piggy turned to her Captain, “Ssshhh!”

“Oh!” Link responded.

“I’ll have to give the matter a little thought,” said the Pukebian Lord. “Umm-no.” He leaned forward into the light and it was then that they saw the evil radiating from him-it was actually a glare from the light bouncing off his bald head, and he wasn’t very tall and appeared extremely puny. “And to think you pitiful pigs came here to be polite? Don’t you realize that I am an evil lord? That I am selfish and am only here to take care of me first, and foremost? I want ultimate power in the universe, and this Karnlyn will give me that power once the Vomitian Emperor is destroyed! And neither any planet, army, or you three little pigs can stop me.”

Miss Piggy rubbed her hands down her hips, “‘little pigs!’ Thank you!”

Link turned on the communicon on his belt (a small walkie-talkie thingy), and the rest was heard on board the Swinetrek.

“I will overthrow all armies who come in my way, and I will destroy all people who try to stop me,” said Purjebinj. “And I will start with you pigs and your crew! Get them to the cells!”

The guards grabbed the shoulders of the crew of the Swinetrek and began pushing them out of the throne room to put them in a prison.

“I think that went rather well,” Link said. “I mean we aren’t dead.”

“Yet,” Strangepork said. “Yet.”

 

[Fozzie Bear]

EPISODE SEVEN
INSIDE VOMITIA

And now…PIGS IN SPACE! Starring the indefinite Captain Link Hogthrob; the inflatable First Mate Miss Piggy; and the able Dr. Julius Strangepork.

When last we left the crew of the Swinetrek, they were being carted off into the bowels of the Palace of Vomitia; but on their home planet…

Back on Styopia, Lt. Col. Stypeg was trying desperately to get into a high security area to get control of the computers, shut down Gen. Kenn’s own ship and take control over the Swinefleet. Every door and window was tried, but he couldn’t get in. Even people he had known forever ignored his orders to let him in, because their orders from the General were to keep him out. He was considered a threat to intergalactic security. Finally, he decided it was time to begin playing dirty. He ran into a janitor’s closet and began donning some coveralls over his own uniform, and just as he zipped it up, the door opened.

“Oh, hi!” said the usual Janitor, a brown guy with misguided hair, flannel shirt and khaki pants. “You must be the new guy?”

“Uh, sure am!” said Stypeg. “And I just heard that master control has had a terrible spill so I was getting all ready to go straight there and clean it up.”

“Well, we better get on it then,” said the Janitor, handing Stypeg a bucket, mop, and towel. “I’ll supervise; you clean!”

They rushed down to master control and Stypeg was proud to know this plan was going to work, until they got to the locked door.

“Have you used your key card yet? Go ahead and try your’s and let’s see if you get it to work right,” said the Janitor.

‘Uh-oh,’ thought Stypeg. ‘Here’s where the plan goes awry.’ He began to fondle around his pockets to see if there was a key card there, but it wasn’t. “Um,” he said aloud, “I may have left it at home?”

“Newbies,” said the janitor, sliding his own key card and unlocking the door.

As they entered master control, Stypeg grabbed the fire alarms and screamed, “Fire! Fire!” The entire room cleared out, including the Janitor, and Stypeg took off the coveralls and was now down to his uniform. He walked to the doors, and slammed the computerized locks with a chair that broke them, and then sat at the master computer. He caught up on the location of the armies and the Swinetrek before he began his work.

First, he created a computer bug and sent it through Gen. Kenn’s ship’s computer, and locked it on overdrive and turned the ship toward the Pukebia Sector. Of course the rest of the fleet followed. Then, he sent a message to the entire battalion that said:

“Attention men, we are diverting our attention away from the Rangmor Sector and placing full force against the home planet of Pukebia. Once we put the power of the palace out of commission then we will assume control of the war in Rangmor and win this battle. General Bay Kenn.”

And one final message was sent to the Swinetrek, albeit rather late:
“Warning! Your mission has been falsified. You are sent as decoys. The original mission was to confuse Lord Purjebinj into thinking you were really diplomats while our men fought in the war zones of Rangmor. I am sending Swinefleet to battle in Pukebia and put the power of Pujebinj’s palace out of commission. Pull out immediately. Retreat, your lives are in danger. Lt. Col. Stypeg.”


On board the Swinetrek, Pvt. Pighead and Craniac were watching out the windows of the Swinetrek and saw nothing. They heard nothing from their Captain who was in the palace. Suddenly, the ticker tape began to print. Craniac ran over to the printer and read the message.

“Oh-oh!” Craniac said, scratching his meaty head. “Problem!”

“What?” Pighead asked, and Craniac read the message. “Oh-oh is right! We must notify the Captain.” He clicked the button for the communicon, “Captain Hogthrob?”
Down in the bowels of the palace, they were being led through a labyrinth of prison cells and hallways, and one guard kept poking Miss Piggy. “Stop it!” she said, and he would do it again. It was more than she could take anymore. She had become so angry that she was really getting steamed causing the halls to smell like hot dogs. The guard poked her again, “I’m telling you now, you do that one more time and you’ll be sorry!” The guard laughed as she finished her sentence and kept walking down the hall.

Poke.

That did it. She turned around quickly and with a hearty “HIYAAA!” she pushed the guard’s prodding weapon away from herself, and gave a swift sidekick to the guard’s gut, folding him in half. Then she grabbed his helmet and drove his face into her knee, and he fell silent on the floor. In the excitement, the other guards let their defense down, and Link grabbed a prodding weapon, pulled it forward so the guard holding it pulled the trigger as it was pressed against another guard who got shocked and immediately fell into convulsions and passed out. Then, he punched the first guard in the face and sent him to the floor.

Strangepork wasn’t much of a fighter at his age, but as the prod came to hit him, he ducked out of the way, pulled out a small tube from his boot, and blew through it. A powder flew out and the remaining three guards were surrounded by it. As each one fell under the spell of the sleeping powder, Link, Piggy, and Julius stepped away from its dust, and once it had settled, the three of them dressed in the guards’ uniforms and ran out of the prison.

Link grabbed up his communicon, “Come in, Pvt. Pighead! Situation hostile-repeat, situation hostile! Abandoning mission.”

Then, came the response from Pighead, “Attention, Capitan Link! Message arrived from Lt. Col. Stypeg: Abandon mission, retreat-we are decoys!”

“Decoys!” gasped the three pigs as they ran into a three-way opening.

“Prepare the Swinetrek for battle, and have the engines ready for take-off,” said Link, looking at the 3 passages. “Oh, great. Which way do we go now?”

“Well,” Julius said, “I don’t remember coming down this passage at all. I think we made a wrong turn somewhere back there.”

First Mate Piggy grunted at the situation then sniffed the air a few times. “I don’t know which way is the right way out of here, but I do know that the kitchen is down that hall there!” And she began running down the hall. “I figure there has to be a way out of the palace through the kitchen.”

Link and Strangepork followed, but they all stopped short as they passed a door reading “Ammunition.” How wonderful this was to find! Link tried the door latch, but it was locked. Strangepork attempted to stick a skeleton key in, but got nowhere with that. Finally, First Mate Piggy stepped back and kicked at the door in that area, and nothing happened.

“Oh, dear,” Link said. “This would end all the problems if we could get in here!” He leaned against the door to think, and then fell to the floor as it opened. “Well!”

There were photon grenades and cannons, laser pistols and rifles, and all kinds of things. Link loaded a few of the grenades in his guard uniform while Miss Piggy grabbed up two laser pistols. But, Strangepork was most happy when he found his most favorite weapon of all, “Look! It’s a disolvotron!”

Link looked at the other two, “Come with me, gang! I have a plan!” Then, they walked down the halls as he spoke into his communicon, “Pvt. Pighead, I want you to lower the gang plank of the Swinetrek and wait atop the stairs. Only let Piggy, Strangepork and myself on board. Have some other crew members use the disolvotrons from the ship and blast anyone who is coming up the stairs-besides us-and release them into the brig.”

“Got it, Captain,” Pighead responded over the communicon.

“Come with me,” Link tugged on Piggy and Strangepork’s arms as he passed them and walked down a different corridor. They found themselves walking through the main palace halls in their guard costumes and waving at the occasional guards at the doors. Behind them was the throne room of Lord Purjebinj, and a little further up they would soon be at the rooms where the Generals and Captains were, as well as master control. Link handed off one of the photon grenades to Piggy, “Here, First Mate Piggy! You take master control, and I’ll take the Generals’ room.”

“Aye aye, Captain!” Piggy said.

They moseyed up to the doors and heard the leaders of the Pukebian military laughing, saying, “We’ll fry those Swinefleet punks! Yeah, they’re toast! No, you mean they’re bacon! HA HA HA!!!” Leaning to the edges of the doors, Link and Piggy pushed a button on the grenades, then laid them softly on the floor and rolled them into the palace rooms.”

“There’s one thing I think we need to do now,” Link said.

“What?” the other two asked.

“Run.”

They turned to flee out the palace doors, but suddenly two bigger guards blocked their way and asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Um, the Swinefleet has landed outside!” Link acted worried, “Quick, we must rush to them and defeat them! C’mon!”

“Right!” shouted the guard, and he raised his weapon as he headed for the door.
“Oh, yeah, I forgot something.”

“What’s that?” asked Strangepork.

“This,” and the guard pulled a lever that was way too high for the pigs to reach, and alarms began to sound. “Whenever we’re under attack, I’m supposed to pull this lever!”

“Uh-oh,” said Link. “Oops.”

There were a hundred soldiers running up the hall toward the entrance carrying armloads of weapons.

“Nice work, mon Capitan,” Piggy growled. “Strangepork, take care of this bum.”

“Who?” asked Julius. “The guard or the Captain?”

“The guard, you nimwit!” Snarled Piggy as the good Doctor raised his Disolvotron and sent the guard away.

“Mayday!” shouted Link into the communicon. “Mayday! Abort mission! Leave now!” He replaced his communicon, but forgot to turn it off.

From outside they heard the Swinetrek lifting into the air. Then, behind them there was a noise from the control rooms of the Pukebian Battalion. It was yelling. Link pushed Piggy and Julius into a corridor as a bright blue light flashed with a FZIT! sound. Then there was silence. They peeked around the corner and saw smoke coming from the rooms, and bits and pieces of uniforms were everywhere.

“I guess we showed them!” Link said.

Then, a guard came running pass them, “Oh no! Oh no! Someone has destroyed our arcade and General’s lounge!”

“I reiterate,” Link began, “oops!”

“Oops, indeed, Captain,” Strangepork said. “If we weren’t in battle before, we sure are now. Not only do we not have a way out of here, we’re the only 3 little pigs on Vomitia at all now.”

Miss Piggy rubbed her hips again, “Little pigs!” She noticed the other two staring at her, “What?!”

A door behind them opened up and there stood several big guards with their weapons aimed right at Link and his crew.

“This looks bad,” Link said.

On board the Swinetrek, Pvt. Pighead had lifted the Swinetrek high into the sky, and waited a moment. He was listening to the plights of his Captain and fellow Swinefleet members as the events took place.

“I’m taking you three to Lord Purjebinj’s throne room,” said a deep-voiced guard as he stripped them of their weapons. “You little pigs are in deep trouble!”
“Should I have been so lucky that my bathroom were a straight shot from the front door as the throne room is here,” Link said. “Get it? Bathroom? Throne room? The ceramic throne? Ha ha.”

On the ship, Pvt. Pighead started to think, and then turned to Craniac, “Hey, he just said that the throne room is straight down the hall from the front doors of the palace. I wonder…”

“I bet you’re right,” said Craniac. “I think so, too. That big structure there, perhaps? But, shouldn’t we wait for the fleet to arrive?”

“We may not have that much time,” said Pighead. “I have a plan. Hopefully, they won’t tell their armies to attack us just yet.”

Inside the throne room, the three Swinetrek leaders were shoved to the ground.

“You can’t treat a lady like that!” screamed Miss Piggy. She jumped from the ground and took a karate stance, “HYAH!” The guard aimed his weapon at her from across the room, and she put her arms to her side. “Nevermind. Ha ha ha.”
Then, across the throne room from the giant windows were two large doors which opened up, and the room on the other side of those doors contained giant maps, and computers, and even more military personnel than they had seen in the arcade. It was the true military control room. From that room came the sounds of the battle of Rangmor, and tons of military jargon, and plans could be overheard. Also from that room came Lord Purjebinj.

“So, my little piggies,” Purjebinj said with a grin, “you took out my arcade and break rooms. Very militant of you to attack those who aren’t in battle. I suppose your Swinefleet always operates just like that, don’t you? Sticking your little snouts in the middle of business where you have none?” He sat at his throne and gazed out the giant wall of windows. “I suppose you feel that you are now a threat to me, don’t you?”

“Not really,” Link said. “I was only trying to stop the evils going on at Rangmor. After all, it didn’t seem like you were willing to pull your armies out of there.”

“I’m not,” said Purjebinj. “And I already said so. And, even as we talk, I have already sent the majority of my ships and soldiers to Rangmor. In the matter of hours, your puny Swinefleet will be nothing more than a memory in the history of intergalactic research. You’re all scientists! You should have stayed that way and gave up on creating an army. Now, you’ll all be nothing more than a speck of ash in the winds of the universe.”

“Do we kill them, my Lord?” asked the tallest of the guards, pressing his weapon against the back of Strangepork’s head (he knew better than to mess with the woman pig).

“No,” said Lord Purjebinj. “We won’t kill them. Guards, come here to me.” With a snap of his fingers they obeyed, and a push of a button caused a cage to rise up around the throne stage. The doors to the master control room closed. “We won’t kill them, but they will.” He motioned his head to his right as the wall opened up and out came four giant beastly creatures with black eyes and tentacles off their backs. At the end of each tentacle was a claw, and from their mouth hung long bloodstained fangs and from their fingers and toes came long, sharp, black claws. The giant, gaping mouths opened and roared and then they paused to look at the Swinetrek crew. He sat in his throne and grinned widely. “And these little piggies said ‘wee wee wee’ all the way home!”

“Anybody got a Milkbone?” asked Link, and then he and the others fled as the monsters came chasing after them. As they ran, they took off the Pukebian guard uniforms to move more freely, and then climbed up a flight of stairs which led to a balcony over the throne room.

“I forgot about that spot,” said Purjebinj. “Nevermind, though. They’ll be taken care of soon as the beasts figure out that they can climb up those stairs.”

On the balcony, Link leaned to his comrades, “This is it, gang. It’s all over for us now. I’ve already ordered the Swinetrek to leave here, and we are now the only three of our kind on this whole planet of evil people.” The beasts were jumping up to the balcony and grabbing at the pigs with their tentacles, but missing them. “Strangepork, you and I will grab one of these creatures’ tentacles and use that to get on the head of the creatures. Piggy, you get into that master control room and destroy those machines. If they’re going to take us out, let’s make as much damage as we can!”

“Aye,” said the two.

Then, up came two or three tentacles, and Link and Strangepork grabbed a hold of them, and slid down those tentacles to the heads of the beasts. Using one hand to lift the eyelids of the beasts, they made fists and slammed into the monsters’ eyes with their other hands. Soon, the beasts were striking out in all directions. It was then that Link looked up and saw a clawed tentacle coming down at him, and he dove from the beast’s head to the floor of the throne room as the beast stabbed itself through the brain and fell. Lifting up one of the dead tentacles, Link tripped another of the beasts, and then hooked that tentacle around another beast’s foot and tripped it over onto its own claws. So far, two were felled.

First Mate Piggy had found a sash used to pull back a tapestry on the wall, and she grabbed a hold of it as she jumped from the balcony and swung around straight at the doors of master control, and she burst open the doors and was prepared to survey the area, but a larger guard was already there and grabbed her up. He was too big to break free from, and he carried her out into the throne room as Link and Strangepork destroyed the last of the four beasts, and Lord Purjebinj lowered the cages from the throne stage and stepped down toward the Swinetrek crew clapping his hands.

“Bravo,” said Purjebinj. “Not even my own failed warriors have been able to beat the beasts, and yet you three little piggies took control of them. I suppose it is true that your Swinefleet is a powerful force to be reckoned with. Still, you haven’t dealt with me directly yet.” He pointed his fingers at them all. “And it is I who you should fear.”

“Stop now, Purjebinj, or face the consequences,” said Link very authoritatively.

“Consequences? Here are your consequences!” Lord Purjebinj bowed his head toward his hands and there was a bright glow that suddenly shot out from his head, through his hands, out his fingers, and at the three pigs.

Link pushed Strangepork out of the way as he and Piggy leapt from the dangerous energy force of Lord Purjebinj. They looked back and there was a hole burned into the stone floor of the Pukebian Palace. Purjebinj then realized that they would be too fast for him, so he made a new plan. Just as his military leaders came to the master control room doors to see what was happening, he spread all his fingers out to encompass the whole room, bowed his head again, and the energy beams shot out from his fingers and covered the entire room causing Link, Piggy, and Strangepork to fall to the ground wailing in pain.
“You see?” Lord Purjebinj began, “You might be strong, but I am powerful. This will not kill you immediately but to see and hear you writhe in pain and suffering as you die slowly will bring me much joy and pleasure. Somebody fry some eggs, I’m cooking bacon!”

There was a deep, loud sound emanating suddenly, and the room began to shake.

“What’s that?” wondered Purjebinj, watching his soldiers and guards run out of the room. He turned his head toward the giant windows and then lifted his head and released his prisoners from the energy beams. He stepped back, “Oh no.”
Link, Piggy, and Strangepork rolled out of the way as the snout of the Swinetrek burst slowly through the glass of the giant wall of windows. The mouth of the Swinetrek opened and down dropped Pvt. Pighead, Craniac, and a dozen or more crewmembers. Shots were fired as the Swinetrek’s main crew was lifted to safety in the ship, but no one fell.

Once inside the Swinetrek, Craniac gave Link, Piggy, and Strangepork a thick red liquid. Suddenly, they regained all their own energy.

“Is this some kind of new concoction?” asked Julius.

“No,” said Craniac. “It’s Strawberry Slim-Fast!”

“You will make a great Captain one day, Pighead!” Link said to his pupil, rushing to the main seats of the Swinetrek.

Just as he, Piggy, and Strangepork took their seats, they saw a horrible sight. Lord Purjebinj had grown in size up to ten times his normal height, and as he was doing so his eyes pulsated an evil green color, not to mention a pulsar cannon was being powered-up and aimed at the Swinetrek.

“It’s now or never, people!” Piggy said, looking at the ship’s monitors. “We’ve got incoming of about 300 Pukebian Ships!”

With the push of some buttons, the Swinetrek’s cannons and laser guns all opened from panels around the ship, and two laser torpedoes were sent flying across the throne room into the master control room, and after many explosions it was destroyed. Link pulled back on the levers and the Swinetrek’s thrusters came on to back the ship away from the palace, and yet Purjebinj was steady getting larger. With the bow of his head and the pointing of his hands, Purjebinj sent a giant, powerful energy bolt toward the Swinetrek, one that would destroy the ship and all on board.

“He’s going to blow up!” said Craniac.

“Should we be so lucky,” said Piggy. “Strangepork, come with me!”

The two of them ran down into the stomach of the Swinetrek and entered into the artillery room where they could access the power sources for the laser cannons on board the ship. Piggy pulled a wire from the back of the laser cannon, and pointed to a box of Disolvotron guns, “Strangepork, hand me one of those guns there!” She took the gun and ripped a wire from it as well, then plugged in the wire of the laser cannon. The ship shook for some reason. Strangepork then understood what she was doing, and joined in, then when all 7 of the cannon wires were connected to the guns, she ran back up to the deck.

Lord Purjebinj had grown into a giant and was sending his powerful energy beams against the powerful lasers of the Swinetrek. It was when the two powers met that the ship shook. Miss Piggy leaned over to Link, “Excuse me, mon Capitan!” Pushing a button, a blue laser shot out at Lord Purjebinj who, with a yell, stopped using his energy forces and began to shrink.

“What’s going on?” asked Link.

“First Mate Miss Piggy connected one of the laser cannons to several Disolvotron guns!” said Strangepork. “She may have just saved the day!”

“Or at least our necks,” she said.

Suddenly, after returning to his natural height, and in a puff of purple smoke, Lord Purjebinj was gone.

“Still, we have them to attend to,” said Strangepork, pointing in the air above them as 300 Pukebian Ships were closing in on them.

Captain Hogthrob threw the ship into reverse and hit the emergency signals. Red lights began flaring; as did sirens and a recording of his own voice saying, “Battle stations! Battle stations!”

First Mate Piggy looked at him and frowned, “Why, you vain jerk!”

“Oh, you’re just upset,” Link began, “that I replaced your recording with mine.”

The Swinetrek flew straight up into the sky and was making a run for it, shaking as a laser hit the ship here and there. One time, the ship shook enough that all the members in the bridge were jolted, and Link’s foot popped over the edge of a little box under the control panel and into the gifts he had received on his trip through space. Trying to get his foot out, he probably kicked all the gifts a few times. The 300 ships of Pukebia were closing in quick.

“We’re not going to make it,” said Link, watching a monitor and realizing that the rear-firing laser cannons were not denting the Vomitian armies at all. “There’s just too many of them, and not enough of us! Without help, we will surely die.”

“Fight ‘til defeated!” Piggy shouted, running back to the rear of the ship and grabbing up a cannon control. “Eat laser, Vomit faces!” She fired, and a Vomitian ship exploded, and then another. “YAAAYYY!!” She was very proud of herself.

Still, the Vomitian ships came at them. Link looked forward out of the Swinetrek and saw a bright orange glare coming right at the eye of the ship.

“Oh, dear!” Link cried, “This is it!”

Everyone in the bridge of the Swinetrek just got quiet and watched as they knew it was a photon laser shot from a powerful cannon of a Vomitian ship aimed right at them. Their hearts sank, as they knew it was the end. The ship shook, and all was quiet.

 

[Beth C]

More! More! What a terrible place to stop.

~Beth C

 

[MuppetDude]

--More! More!

--Less! Less! (Whispers: More, more!)

 

[Fozzie Bear]

Hot diggity! I got some responses! YAY!! Okay then, because you requested it:
------------------------
EPISODE EIGHT
ESCAPE FROM PUKEBIA

And now…PIGS IN SPACE! Starring the narcissistic Captain Link Hogthrob; the appetizing First Mate Miss Piggy; and the enigmatic Dr. Julius Strangepork.

When last we left the crew of the Swinetrek, they were about to be destroyed by a powerful photon cannon blast.

When Piggy re-entered the bridge of the ship, there was a green glow that surrounded the ship, and the orange laser intended to hit them separated into particles and faded.

“We have company, Captain,” said Strangepork, looking at a monitor. He focused it in, and then realized that there were over 400 ships of different sizes surrounding the entire army of the Vomitians, and all sat still.

“Hello, yonder high Captain of the Swinetrek,” came a familiar voice over the speakers. It was the crooked nosed creature they had met earlier. “You have called and we have answered.”

“As have we, uh-huh! Uh-huh! Yip yip yip!” There were a ton of the Martian ships around as well, not to forget that some ships that looked like boulders flying around, “The Royal Merdlidop Armies, and the Koozebanian Foob Space Navy, have arrived. Your command is our orders, sir.” “Yip yip yip-Command! Our orders! Uh-huh!” “Oh, righteous leader of the pigilicious armies of the air, you speak, we shall listen!”

Piggy, Strangepork, Pighead, and Craniac were all looking at their Captain. Now, he was basically the same in power as a General! It was up to him to make the final call on what to do next and he had the force of three armies. He pushed the button before him, “Soldiers,” he began, then looked at his friends who all nodded, “let’s take ‘em down!”

“Halt!” came a new voice. “Stand down all armies! This is General Bay Kenn of the Swinefleet. You will not enter into battle with the Vomitians…”

“What?” cried out the bridge of the Swinetrek. Link pressed a return button, “You, sir, have sent us here as decoys to be destroyed! I know that your orders are not acceptable any longer, sir, and while I shall likely be hanged by my own men for disobeying you, I refuse to be taken under and destroyed by the enemy-including yourself!” Link’s crew became very proud of being under his command at that moment.

“You will stand down, Captain Hogthrob!”

“Oh, shut up!” Came another voice over the speakers. “This is Lt. Col. Stypeg, Swinetrek. I’m on your side.”

“Lt. Col. Stypeg is the one who sent us the message that we were here as decoys, Capitan,” said Pvt. Pighead, showing Link the message. “He instructed us then to abandon the mission.”

Then they heard, “Gen. Kenn, I am taking over this mission, sir.”

“You will be court marshaled!”

“No, sir,” said Lt. Col. Stypeg. “I’ve already contacted the proper authorities, and you are in big trouble, sir. I have provided proof of your plans to use the Swinefleet against the Pukebians and then against the Rangmorians to take control of the Karnlyn yourself. The documents you had hidden under your desk in master control on Styopia with notes in your own handwriting is proof evident of that. You will stand down, General, and the orders passed out by Captain Hogthrob will be obeyed.”

In a roaring swoop, the Swinefleet fell on the Pukebian fleet and, with the help of the Oznogs, Koozebanians, and Martians, began firing upon the Vomitians. There were obviously some loss within the ranks of the allies, but it was the Swinetrek that flew through all the other ships and took down every single Vomitian ship in its path.

Piggy pointed out of the window, “Look there, Link!” There was one of the Vomitian ships flying fast away. “They’re headed in the direction of the Rangmorian Sector!”

“Obviously to gain reinforcements here,” Strangepork said. “With their own Master Control blown to smithereens they cannot use their radios to contact long distances between the galaxies.”

“Then, we have to take them down!” Link turned the Swinetrek in the direction of the Vomitian ship and fired upon it but missed. The ship went into hyperspace drive and vanished.

The radios all cheered as the Vomitian ships were destroyed, and the Martians had even exploded all the land based cannons, so there were no other opportunities to be fired upon by the Pukebians, and as far as within their own sector, they were defeated. Although the Pukebian War was over, throngs of other battalions were fighting in the Rangmor Sector. Lt. Col. Stypeg used overdrive to send Gen. Kenn’s ship back to Styopia where the Military Police would be waiting for him.

The crew of the Swinetrek was now faced with a horrible decision. They could not break into the lines of conversation with all the celebration going on, and with a Vomitian ship flying in hyperspace toward Rangmor to gain back up, Link chose to follow and was absolutely not ready for what lay ahead of him when the ship came out of hyperspace as there, before him, was the war torn sector of Rangmor. He had lost the ship he came after, but many explosions were taking place in mid air, and ships were curl-tailing through the known atmosphere and slamming into the planet Ignoramou. Across the battle was a much larger battleship of sorts, very pointy and very black. Had it not been for a glare on that ship from the sun of the Rangmor Sector, Link would never have noticed it.

“Is it an ally?” asked Strangepork.

“I can’t tell from here,” said Link. “We may have to fly around the battle to the other side and get a better look.” They did that and as they neared the ship, something happened to them. “What’s going on?”

“What do you mean what’s going on?” First Mate Piggy squealed. “You’re driving right for them!”

“No, I’m not!” said Link pushing buttons and pulling levers.

“We’re caught in their tractor beam,” said Julius looking on his monitor. “Er, Captain Link, we have an incoming message.”

They turned to the view screen behind them, and a hideous lizard-looking alien appeared, “Friend or foe?”

“I dunno,” said Link, “who are you?”

“Pukebian Battleship, Master Control, General Grrgul. You, state your affairs!”

“Oh, no affairs here,” Link said, thumbing at Piggy. “I don’t even like her!”

“Can it, Hogthrob,” First Mate Piggy said, turning to the view screen. “We are on a scientific mission through space to study lands and planets, sir. We do not want any trouble, just passing through.”

“Too late,” said the alien, looking off the camera, then back at them, “Hmmm. You think you’re rather smart, don’t you?”

“Not me,” said Link. “I barely get by. Um-wait…”

“Enough!” said the alien, as two guards from Vomitia appeared behind him. “We know who you are! You’re coming on board, and don’t even try it, your weapons are useless against the hull of our ship! You will be brought before the Emperor of Vomitia, and then you will indeed suffer the consequences!”

The screen went black and all in the bridge of the Swinetrek just looked at one another.

“MOMMY!” Link yelled.

“Oh, brother!” Said Julius and Piggy.

The tractor beam dragged the Swinetrek through space and into a bay of the Vomitian Battleship. They were going to go before the Emperor of Vomitia, whose name was Emperor Uppshuk. This was not turning out to be a good day.
In the Pukebian Sector, the celebration had died down on the radios. It was when Lt. Col. Stypeg called into his microphone, “Good work, Captain Hogthrob!” and no response came that he noticed the Swinetrek had disappeared.

After reassessing his monitors and radars, he discovered that there was a renegade Vomitian Ship and the Swinetrek had taken after it. He called on the microphone, “Attention everyone! Captain Hogthrob and the Swinetrek have taken after a Vomitian Ship in the direction of the Rangmorian Sector of the galaxy. They are lone fighters there, and many more of our allied force could be destroyed, but I am asking that you all please come along with the Swinefleet and help us put the Pukebians at bay, destroy their efforts and save Rangmor and their Karnlyn.”

A sizzle and static came from the speakers. There seemed there would be no response and then, “Yip yip yip, Save Rangmor, uh-huh!” “Aye aye our most illustrious leader!” “Lead, and we follow.”

“Then onward to Rangmor to aid the Ignoramous and the Xapflarpians!”
In an instant, the entirety of the fleets was headed toward the Rangmorian Sector to engage in battle.

On board the Pukebian Battleship, the Swinetrek came to a halt. Before them was a bright flowing light between two giant generators. A manual override caused the Swinetrek’s door to open at which point Link and Julius pushed Pvt. Pighead and Craniac into a closet outside the bridge as the guards came on board into the bridge and grabbed the main three crewmembers. All the rest of the ship’s crew were not visible as they took cover and hid.

Taken on board a small hovering go-cart of sorts, they were driven down long halls and through many doors until they were brought into a room with a giant window that looked over the battle of Rangmor.

“Probably spend a fortune on Windex,” Julius whispered to Piggy.

“Mm-hmm,” she responded.

In front of the window was a big, comfortable looking chair. “This battleship is equipped such that we do not have dust, and the windows are never dirty,” came a voice from the chair.

Julius started, “How’d he…”

“…Know what you were saying? I haven’t become Emperor of the most powerful fighting force by not knowing my business.” He stood up from the chair and walked around. “Today, I shall reign victorious over the Battle of Rangmor, and the Karnlyn will be mine.”

“But, that’s what Lord Purjebinj said, too,” answered Miss Piggy, “and we all know what happened to him!”

“I never worried about him. I knew it was his fate. He did good work there on Vomitia, but he would never have lasted out here,” said the Emperor as he came down the steps from the riser in front of the wall of windows. “Thing is, I cannot foretell what will happen with you in the future. Greed and evil is not a part of your conscience, so it is hard for me to determine. But, I listened and watched with great interest the direction you three took. Very intelligent creatures-for pigs.”

“We are some of the most intelligent creatures ever!” Link said with pride. He was always proud of himself.

“Exactly, but you three are warriors,” said Emperor Uppshuck. “I’ve watched you since you were sent to Pukebia as decoys, and you think well, quick, and fight extremely well. And the chemistry between you all exceeds expectations.”

“So?” First Mate Piggy asked.

“So, I want you all to join me, and together we will rule the universe.”

“That’s a different space story, Emperor,” said Strangepork.

“I know, but I liked that line,” said the Emperor.

“Are you kidding us?” asked Piggy.

“No,” responded the Emperor. “I’m making you a valuable offer, and you’ll only get it once.”

“Or?” asked Link.

“Or be destroyed,” said Uppshuck.

“Destroyed?!” Link’s hand shot into the air, “I’m in.”

(Next up, the final episode and director's cut information...)

 

[MuppetDude]

This is one of the best threads ever.

Thanks, .

I really hope that the final chapter is posted soon!

 

[Fozzie Bear]

You're one of the best people ever, too!

Thanks for the nice comments!!

 

[MuppetDude]

You're welcome. Jim would be proud if he read your story.

Now...

ON WITH THE FINAL CHAPTER!!!