Need advice with a family problem

[cherrypotion27]

Hi guys. I could really use your advice here. What do you do when your immediate family seems so wrapped up in themselves and their lives that it seems like they don't know you are around and often act like you don't even exist, to the point of ignoring your needs? My family is like that. They can walk right past me and not even notice me, and get this: when we went on Spring Break vacation in 2005 to Disneyland and Las Vegas, my family was so wrapped up in their own agendas that they seemed unaware that I was in serious pain, as the nerve damage in my legs and feet (I have Type 2 diabetes, so we are talking diabetic neuropathy here) had kicked in around that time. I tried telling them I was in pain, and the pain was often so bad I had tears in my eyes, but my cries fell on deaf ears and my tears went unnoticed. And to top it off, my stepdad caused a scene in a Vegas casino yelling at someone who not only was not even me, but of the male gender to boot! No, I'm not kidding: this is a man who's known me all my life, and he makes a fool of himself yelling "Patricia, lets go!" at a stranger who was also a man! Things have totally gotten to the point where I could walk past my family members nude, and they wouldn't even notice!

Anyhow, given this information, I have a question: my mom has a vacation planned for August (to Disneyland and Vegas again), and I'm debating whether or not I should go. And this time around I not only have my nerve damage to worry about, but osteoarthritis in my right knee. I've considered talking to my family about this, but they are generally not open to talking about problems I have with them without giving me the "we don't wanna hear it" attitude or getting defensive (only once have I ever been able to do the "family talk" thing, and I had to send my immediate family a hurt-filled e-mail to initiate the talk). So, any advice guys? And should I go on the trip or just stay home? Really need some advice here guys.

Patricia/cherrypotion27

 

[Kar Ma]

I'm very sorry to hear your family is so insensitive. I, too, have experience with difficult family members and, also, former friends.

I must place a disclaimer. I am not a therapist. I am not a psychiatrist. Or a psychologist. I'm not any form of doctor. Anything I tell you is from personal experience and what I did with it. No direct advice will be given but a mere example you can read and take to the bank.

I have members in my family that are selfish and self-involved. I have learned that I can NOT change them. They can NOT and will NOT love me the way I want them to. I can not make the zebras look at and love my spots when they are preoccupied with their stripes.

So, the best thing for me is to love them from far away. I live on my own (if you call a dorm "on my own" - it's a big deal because I attend a commuter school where the majority of the students live at home with family).

I have learned from living away from home that family does not have to be flesh and blood. I have dear friends I love and cherish. And they love and cherish me for who I am. We're always checking each other's spots and stripes to make sure we're all doing okay.

I've learned that even insensitive family members sometimes miss me because I'm not around at all. However, I keep myself in check because that does not mean they have accepted me for who I am. They simply remember there used to be another person in the room.

That is all I wish to share without giving personal details. I hope this helps and that you will have the strength to make the decisions you feel are right for your happiness.

 

[CensoredAlso]

Yeah sometimes distance can help, depending on the situation. Also looking for outside advice from professionals for yourself. Good luck with everything!

 

[Kar Ma]

I completely agree. That has been one of the ways I have coped with my family. Someone once told me, "Asking for help builds strength." It's like lifting weights. A spotter assists with encouragement and pain prevention. Am I getting too metaphorical today? I sure-fire think so.

 

[D'Snowth]

Hi guys. I could really use your advice here. What do you do when your immediate family seems so wrapped up in themselves and their lives that it seems like they don't know you are around and often act like you don't even exist

Enjoy your newfound peace and privacy!

to the point of ignoring your needs?

Oh... well, then, get in their faces and ask them "hey, this ain't cool, why are you doing this to me?"

 

[cherrypotion27]

Thanks guys. Well actually, I have put some distance between me and the immediate family. As of December 20th of last year, I moved out of the family home (which really was not conducive to my health needs) and into a group home for mentally ill women. Amongst other things, this has meant no more stepping on broken parts of my sister's kid's toys and injuring my nerve-damaged feet, no more having to deal with my sisters tantrums (which at times could get violent) and being able to tailor my meals to ones better suiting a diabetic. But I'm still not sure what to do about this upcoming trip. Should I just send my family another e-mail, outlining my feelings, and hope another "family discussion" comes out of this, or what?

Patricia/cherrypotion27

 

[MartyMuppets]

I'm sure deep down they really care about you Patricia. I myself had had troubles within my own family but things are much improved now that Mum and I are talking more openly and avoiding the silly fights and upsets through not listening to each other.

I hope and pray things work out for you and your family.

 

[Fragglemuppet]

Ooh, families can be such a problem, can't they?


Well, that's good that you're out of the house. It doesn't always work out, but when it does, I'm quite a fan of the distance thing!

Advice. You could try another e-mail, but if it didn't work it would undoubtedly make you more upset, and you certainly don't need that!

As for the trip, if I were you I just wouldn't go. If they have such little appreciation for you, I say they don't deserve the pleasure of your company!

Good luck with everything!

 

[Ilikemuppets]

Sorry to hear about your family treating you so terrible. Maybe not to your extent, but I know what it feels like to be ignored by them. But they never seem to let you now how much they care or that they even do until you reach a breaking point, so it's like they do, but that never really show it until the last minute. But my dad used to scream at me like that all that time. But it sounds like he much have been awful tired to have yelled at a complete stranger like that.

 

[Davina]

I have to second pretty much all of what's been said.. and can completely understand what you're going though.. my health problems aren't nearly that severe, thankfully, though one never knows what the future holds.. my father was diabetic and my mother has MS, so all of our family vacations have always been planned accordingly..
I hate to say it, but it sounds like your family isn't in a place right now where they are going to be willing to understand what you've been going through. They obviously know of your health problems, and have never bothered to take them into consideration in the past, and it honestly doesn't look like they're doing that now, either. All I can suggest is that you let them know that this trip they have planned sounds lovely, and you really wish you were able to attend, but your health issues right now simply won't allow such a vigorous trip, though you'd love to spend time with them at say, a health spa or something that would better suit your dietary and physical restrictions.

after that.. you just have to step back, they're going to grouse and grumble and probably be a bit nasty.. but that's them and they need to deal with it, not you.

Best of luck with what ever you decide