OK, so I actually started this one during the summer...it took me three months to complete, due to other summer-related activity (job, traveling, family gatherings, Mario Kart night, etc). But I am proud to present my latest Muppet Show outline, featuring a superstar whose band just celebrated its fiftieth anniversary. He may never have gotten any satisfaction, but I certainly got some from writing this one.
THE MUPPET SHOW
with special guest star Mick Jagger
(season 5)
Cold Open:
(Pops is behind his desk putting on a puppet show for Gaffer the Cat. He is using a male puppet and a female puppet to entertain Gaffer.)
Pops: And so they got married, and they lived happily ever after. The end. (He drops his puppets below the desk.) Did ya like that, Gaffer?
Gaffer (nodding): Meow! (audience laughs)
Pops: I reckon that’s a yes. (Laughter from audience, and then Mick Jagger enters the lobby area in a leather jacket and tight pants.) Who are you?
Mick: I’m Mick Jagger. I’m the guest for the Muppet Show tonight.
Pops: Mick Jagger? Oh, yeah! You’re that famous rock ‘n’ roll singer! I’ll go tell the rest of your band. They’ve been waiting fifteen minutes for ya!
Mick (confused): But…but my band isn’t supposed to be here tonight!
Pops (ignoring him): Hey! Come on in, fellas! Mick’s here.
(On cue, four giant stones roll into the lobby. Mick gasps and ducks for cover as the stones roll past him and crash through the wall. Audience laughs as Mick stares at the camera in shock.)
Theme:
Kermit: It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, MICK JAGGER!!! YAAAAAYYYYYY!!!! (Applause and screams from audience as the curtain rises and the Season 5 theme plays.)
It’s time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppet-ational…
This is what we call THE MUPPET SHOW!!!!!
Gonzo’s horn: the sound of a cheering stadium crowd comes out of the horn.
Introduction/Opening Number:
Kermit: Thank you, thank you, and welcome to the Muppet Show! Hey, we really have a spectacular show for you all tonight, because our guest is none other than the fabulous singer Mick Jagger! (applause from audience) We’re thrilled to have him here, but first, we have quite a sweet treat of an opening number for you! (Kermit exits, and the curtain opens.)
A live-hands Whatnot (played by Richard Hunt) sings “Candy Man” as he rolls around a cart full of candy. He passes out lollipops, licorice, and mints to several Whatnot children. Ultimately, some penguins pop up and eat the remainder of the candy, to the Candy Man’s chagrin. But the kids are delighted to see the penguins, so the Candy Man has made the kids happy anyway.
Balcony:
Waldorf: Boy, it’s cold up here tonight. (Statler enters with a group of penguins.) Statler: Watch your step, fellas. (Waldorf is dumbfounded.)
Waldorf: Hey Statler, why are you bringing these penguins here?
Statler: I invited them up here.
Waldorf: You did? Why?
Statler: So we could all chill out together!
Both: Doooooooooh-hohohohohohoho!!!! (The penguins start laughing, too.)
Backstage Scene #1:
Kermit: All right, way to go! You were great! (Several penguins enter and exit the backstage area. As Kermit resumes his work, Scooter approaches Kermit, who does not look up from his desk. As a result, he fails to notice Scooter’s flashy outfit: a green and yellow vertical striped jumpsuit with sparkles and a matching headpiece. Scooter also has a bright orange electric guitar.)
Scooter: Hey, boss?
Kermit: Yeah, Scooter?
Scooter: I just wanna thank you for getting Mick Jagger on the show.
Kermit: Oh, don’t worry about it, Scooter.
Scooter: Yeah, Mick’s one of my biggest idols!
Kermit: I’m sure he is.
Scooter: And…and everyone else is really happy, too!
Kermit: Well, that’s nice. (Kermit is still not paying attention to Scooter.)
Scooter: Kermit, don’t you understand? This is Mick Jagger that we’re talking about here! Mick Jagger! This is so important to us! Don’t you see?
(Kermit finally looks up and does a double take at Scooter’s outfit)
Kermit: SCOOTER! Why are you wearing that outfit? What is going on?
Scooter: Well, Kermit…I was talking with some of the guys, and…we want to start a band. (Audience laughs as Fozzie, Gonzo, and Lew Zealand enter in ridiculous glam-rock outfits: sparkles, fringes, frills, large glasses, etc. Fozzie has a bass guitar, Lew is on drums, and Gonzo has an electric guitar. Kermit is horrified.)
Kermit: W-w-what is this?!
Scooter: OK, on the count of three! One! Two! Three! (They begin singing nonsensical, off-key music...and their instrumental skills aren’t much better. Kermit gets increasingly irritated as the song goes on.)
Scooter: So, what do you say, chief?
Lew Zealand: What do you think, Mr. Kermit?
Gonzo: Did you like it?
Fozzie: Uh, are the sparkles too much, Kermit? (laughter from audience)
Kermit (quietly): Let me tell you all something… (explodes) THAT WAS TERRIBLE!!! That was the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Get out! Get out! (pushes the other Muppets away) Sheesh. If you thought rock and roll wasn’t dead, they just put the final nail in the coffin. (laughter from audience as Kermit heads toward the stage for the next act)
Musical Number:
Kermit: And now, here’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for! Here he is, one of the most successful recording stars in the world! Ladies and gentlemen, Mick Jagger! YAAAAAYYYY!!!!! (Kermit flails his arms and runs off as the curtain opens; the audience applauds and cheers shrilly.)
Mick Jagger is amongst a Whatnot army troop, being commanded to fight by a male Whatnot commander (Frank Oz).
Commander: ATTENNNN-TION!!! (The soldiers come to attention.) All right, men! Listen up! We are fighting for this COUNTRY!!! If we lose, there’s no telling what they will DO to us! We are fighting for liberty! For freedom! For our futures! Do you under-STAND me?
Troops: YESSIR!!!
Commander: Good! Now listen closely, men: our ammunition is running low! Our supplies are down to almost nothing! But we must be strong! We must be brave! We must WIN this war!
Troops: YESSIR!!!
(The Commander screams, “ARE YOU READY, SOLDIER?” in the soldiers’ faces, one by one. Some of them cower until they are brave enough to reply, while others reply loudly and earnestly. Finally, the Commander gets in Mick’s face.)
Commander: ARE YOU READY, SOLDIER?!
Mick: YESSIR!!! I’m ready to fight, SIR! Anything for my country, SIR!
Commander: That’s the spirit!
Mick: Just as long as I don’t have to drop and give fifty for you. (laughter)
Commander: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, soldier. Now go and FIGHT!!! (the troops scatter and begin firing away with their rifles and cannons)
As the war begins, Mick stays in a bunker with his cannon and sings “Gimme Shelter” with a female Whatnot (Louise Gold). Meanwhile, the Whatnots are fighting each other in a war zone similar to the one in “Why Can’t We Be Friends” from the TMS: John Denver episode. Cannons and muskets roar, and Whatnots keep falling to the ground as Mick tries to keep singing. At the end, Mick fires a cannon shot that obliterates all the opposing Whatnots, so he wins the war for his fellow soldiers and commanders. But after everyone celebrates, the Commander forces Mick to drop and give fifty pushups for his previous snide comment. Applause at the end.
Balcony:
Waldorf: You know, this show is just like a war.
Statler: Why’s that?
Waldorf: Because it’s always the Muppets against the audience to see who lasts longer each show.
Statler: Well, it looks like the audience is winning this time.
Waldorf: This time? We’ve always been winning!
Both: Dooooooooooohhhh-hohohohohohohohoho!!!! (audience laughs)
Backstage Scene #2:
(Scooter, Lew, Fozzie, and Gonzo, still clad in their rock outfits, approach Kermit at his work desk.)
Scooter: Hey, Kermit? (Kermit scrunches his mouth when he sees them.)
Kermit: Scooter, what is it now?
Scooter: I was just talking with these guys, and we want to have a number on the show tonight.
Kermit: WHAT?! But-but you guys can’t sing or play your instruments! You have no chance of going on tonight!
Lew Zealand: But Mr. Kermit, we’ve been practicing all week! We deserve to go on! Right, fellas? (the others nod in agreement)
Gonzo: Yeah, Kermit! We’ve got talent! We’ve got flash! (Gonzo’s suit explodes, revealing another one just like it underneath.)
Fozzie: And we’ve got presence, too! (hands Kermit a gift-wrapped box with a bow on top) AAAAAHHHHH!!!! PRESENTS! Get it? (pushes Kermit playfully) If the music doesn’t work, we’ve got comedy to fall back on!
Kermit (scrunches mouth): I see… (laughter from audience) Listen, guys. I said before that you won’t be going on tonight. Tell me: who in the world would even listen to your so-called “music”?
(Mick enters behind Scooter, to Kermit’s shock.)
Scooter: He would.
Kermit: M-M-Mick? You LIKE their music?
Mick: Well…it’s not bad. (pause) But it’s not good. (laughter) Listen, Kermit, I think they’ve got potential. This could be their big break. Just give ‘em a chance tonight. Please?
Fozzie, Scooter, Lew, & Gonzo: Yeah! (They all start begging Kermit to let them perform. Kermit pauses and thinks.)
Kermit: Well…all right. (Everyone cheers.) But just this ONCE! Now go get ready! You’re on in a few minutes! Go! Go! Go! (everyone runs off to get ready) Sheesh… (Kermit examines the gift-wrapped box) Cute…that was cute. (audience laughs) The same can’t be said about their music, though. (more laughter)
Muppet News Flash:
Muppet Newsman: HERE IS A MUPPET NEWS FLASH!!! (runs onstage) The annual convention for the Cheese Lovers’ Society of Manhattan has been canceled this year. According to authorities, the smell of limburger and parmesan was so strong that it caused complaints from the local residents. The Cheese Lovers are doing their best to fight back, however, and--- (Several chunks of cheese land on the Newsman. Finally, some shreds of parmesan float to the ground like snowflakes, covering the Newsman’s head.)
Musical Number:
Kermit: And now we have a real treat for those of you who like rock and roll music…and for those of you who like to throw fruit and vegetables at people. (laughter from audience)
Fozzie (behind the curtain): Kerrrr-mit!!! Just introduce us!
Kermit: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, here is Super Scooter and the Go-fers. (weakly) Yaaaaaaay…oh boy. (exits quickly as the curtain opens)
Gonzo, Scooter, and Fozzie are standing next to each other with their instruments, while Lew Zealand is behind a drum kit on a raised platform. They are in the same outlandish outfits as before. Mick and Kermit are watching from behind the curtain, and Beauregard is upstairs by the dressing rooms.
Mick: Oh, this is going to be great!
Kermit: “Great” being a relative term. (laughter)
Super Scooter and the Go-fers launch into a muddled, off-key rendition of the Rolling Stones’ “It’s Only Rock and Roll (But I Like It).” In no time at all, the band gets booed offstage and pelted with produce. Kermit and Bo exit in disgust as the curtain closes.
Balcony:
Statler: BOOOO! BOOOO! That was terrible! I should have turned off my hearing aid before that began. Right, Waldorf?
(Waldorf doesn’t hear him because his hearing aid is off.)
Statler: Right, Waldorf? (yells in Waldorf’s ear) RIGHT???
Waldorf: Huh? Speak up, you old fool! I turned off my hearing aid before that began.
Statler (pauses): Heh, I guess he beat me to it. (audience laughs)
Backstage Scene #3/Musical Number:
(Fozzie, Scooter, Gonzo, and Lew Zealand enter the backstage dejectedly. No one else is there to greet them except Mick.)
Mick: Hey, fellas. I’m sorry it didn’t go well.
Scooter: Oh, Mick, it was awful. No one liked us.
Fozzie: I don’t understand it! We worked so hard, and they hated it!
Lew Zealand: Yeah! We were booed off after ten seconds! TEN seconds!
Gonzo: And I thought they hated my trapeze act last week.
Mick: Wait, Gonzo…you did a trapeze act?
Gonzo: Yeah, I balanced a hippopotamus on my head and recited Hamlet’s soliloquy while flying on a trapeze! I was booed off the stage after thirteen seconds. (audience laughs) Only after the hippo landed on me. (more laughter)
Fozzie (shoves Gonzo): Gonzo! This is serious! Nothing went right for us! No one liked our act. I don’t even know if Kermit will allow us to perform again.
Mick: Oh, Fozzie. Listen, fellas, I’m really sorry to hear that it didn’t go well. But everyone has bad days. I mean, not every performance will go the way you want it to go, but if you keep on trying, you might just get the performance you want. (acoustic guitar music starts up) Let me put it this way…
Mick sings a shortened version “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” to the Muppets, who cheer up by the end. Applause at the end.
UK Spot:
(Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem are assembled onstage.)
Dr. Teeth: Salutations, and what’s cooking? Welcome to our little show, ladies and gents. Since we have the inimitable, incomparable, and indelible Mick Jagger as our VIP guest, we might as well keep things going with some good old rock and roll music! Hit it!
Dr. Teeth belts out a rollicking rendition of Chuck Berry’s “Roll Over Beethoven,” with the Beethoven Bust sitting on top of his piano. As Dr. Teeth pounds the keys, the bust keeps shaking back and forth, his frown growing more and more intense. Finally, the frustrated bust stops the band mid-song.
Beethoven: Stop! Stop! Hold it! Hold it! Stop the music!
Dr. Teeth: Wait a minute, my classically trained compadre. What’s troublin’ ya?
Beethoven: It’s that music! I don’t like it one bit! It’s terrible! Worst thing I’ve ever heard!
Dr. Teeth: Why’s that, my proficiently prestigious piano-playing partner?
Beethoven: Take a guess.
Dr. Teeth: Ummm…it’s too loud.
Beethoven: Nope.
Dr. Teeth: It’s too soft?
Beethoven (sighs in exasperation): Guess again, buddy.
Dr. Teeth: Too much bass... (Beethoven Bust shakes its head.) No? Not enough guitar? (Beethoven Bust shakes its head again.) Uh…lemme think. Hold on. I know! It’s too fast! Yeah, Animal had an extra candy bar before going onstage. (laughter from audience)
Beethoven: No, no, no! You’re wrong.
Dr. Teeth: A-HA! Not enough flash! (Dr. Teeth points his finger, and the set gets a psychedelic makeover.)
Beethoven: NO! Okay, okay. It’s clear that you don’t have a clue, pal. Let me tell you what’s wrong with your song.
Dr. Teeth: Sure, Ludwig. What’s the scoop?
Beethoven: You shouldn’t be playing that lousy keyboard…you should be playing an ultra-cool, out-of-sight, super funky Hammond B-3 organ! (audience laughs)
Dr. Teeth (does a double take): What’d ya say?
Beethoven: You heard me, bub! A Hammond B-3 organ! I mean that thing is absolutely smokin’! It would just be totally awesome if you cats had one here, you catch my drift? (The entire Electric Mayhem Band is in shock at seeing the Beethoven bust talking like a hippie. Even Animal’s jaw has dropped.)
Dr. Teeth (still reeling): Uhhh…sure. Gotcha. (He points his finger and a Hammond B-3 organ materializes in front of him.)
Beethoven: Now that’s what I’m talking about!
Dr. Teeth: Okay gang, let’s lay down the rest of this itty-bitty ditty for Mr. B! (Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem finish “Roll Over Beethoven” with more ferocity and passion than before. Beethoven bops his head in time with the music.)
Dr. Teeth: You diggin’ it now, Beethoven?
Beethoven: Yeah! Far out, my main dude! Keep on rocking!
(Dr. Teeth and the EM lay down the final chord. Loud applause at the end as Dr. Teeth puts some cool shades over the Beethoven bust’s eyes. Floyd chuckles, Janice high-fives Floyd, Zoot nods his head, Lips raises his trumpet, and Animal grins widely. Dr. Teeth acknowledges at the crowd, as does Beethoven.)
Pigs in Space:
Announcer: Once again, it’s time for PIIIIGGGGSSS IIIIIIIINNNNNNNN SSSSPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCEEEEEEEE!!!!!! When we last left the Swinetrek, Captain Hogthrob was awaiting the arrival of the newest member of their crew. (Link Hogthrob is looking at a pocket watch and First Mate Piggy is relaxing in her chair. Dr. Strangepork is reading a book.)
Link Hogthrob: Uh, Dr. Strangepork, what are you reading?
Dr. Strangepork: Oh, it’s a nifty little book called “Great Pigs in Science.” It talks about the work of Co-pork-nicus, Ein-swine, and Pig-mund Freud, among others. (audience laughs)
Link Hogthrob: That is wonderful! A fascinating read! Incredibly insightful, too!
First Mate Piggy: Link, I didn’t know you were interested in science!
Link Hogthrob: I’m not. I’m just reading what those reviews on the back cover say. (Link points at the back cover, and the audience laughs as Piggy and Dr. Strangepork shake their heads.)
(An unseen male pig, voiced by Steve Whitmire, comes on over the speakers.)
Male Pig: Captain Hogthrob, your newest recruit has arrived and is waiting outside the door.
Link Hogthrob: Good. I’ll let her in.
First Mate Piggy: HER?
(Link presses a button and the left set of doors opens. Annie Sue is standing there in a navy blue Pigs in Space outfit. Link and Dr. Strangepork are delighted, but First Mate Piggy is not.)
First Mate Piggy: What the hey?!
Annie Sue: Oh, you must be Captain Hogthrob! It’s so good to see you.
Link Hogthrob: Indeed I am. Welcome aboard the Swinetrek, my dear. You must be Annie Sue! This is Dr. Strangepork.
Dr. Strangepork: Hello. Pleased to meet you!
Annie Sue: Wow! It’s so nice to meet you, too.
Link Hogthrob: And this is First Mate Piggy. (First Mate Piggy’s back is turned away defiantly from Link and Annie Sue.) Say hello, First Mate Piggy.
First Mate Piggy (turning toward Annie Sue): Grrrrrrr.
Link Hogthrob: Uh, let’s move on. Annie Sue, I need to set some rules with you.
Annie Sue: Oh, goody! I’m all ears, Captain Hogthrob!
Link Hogthrob: First, obey the captain’s orders. (Annie Sue nods) Second, stay on the ship at all times. Don’t leave this control room without permission. (Annies Sue nods again) Third, if you don’t know what a button or lever does, DO NOT activate it. EVER!
Annie Sue: Oh…like this one? (presses a huge red button)
Link Hogthrob: NO! (the ship begins rocking back and forth and steam begins shooting out from all directions)
First Mate Piggy (shouting at Annie Sue): Now look what you’ve done, you twerp! You know what you just pressed?
Annie Sue: No! What did I do?!
Dr. Strangepork: I’m afraid you’ve pressed the SELF-DESTRUCT button!
(A robotic voiceover, done by Dave Goelz, begins a countdown.)
Robot: This ship will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Twenty-nine. Twenty-eight. Twenty-seven. (Everyone on board is freaking out and trying to escape, running into each other and screaming for help.)
First Mate Piggy (to camera): Two hundred forty-seven applicants for the job and ol’ Bacon Brain had to pick THIS one. (continues shouting for help and running into the other crew members)
Announcer: Is this the end of the Swinetrek as we know it? Will our heroes be able to escape this perilous situation, or will they be in more trouble than roast pigs? And above all, who will Annie Sue’s replacement be? Looks like you’ll have to wait for the next installment of PIIIIIIIIGGGGGSSSSS IIIIIINNNNNN SSSSPPPPAAAAACCCCCEEEEE!!!!! (rattling ship flies away)
Balcony:
Statler: That Annie Sue was wonderful! What did you think of her?
Waldorf: She wasn’t so good.
Statler: Why not?
Waldorf: Why else? She HOGGED the spotlight.
Both: Dooooooooooooh-hohohohohohohohohohoho!!!!
Waldorf: You know, now that I think about it, they were all HAMMING IT UP!
Both: DAAAAAWWWWWW-HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!
Backstage Scene #4:
(Sam the Eagle approaches Kermit.)
Sam: KERMIT! I don’t believe it! I thought that you would have learned by now from your previous mistakes!
Kermit: Uh, what do you mean, Sam?
Sam: Once again, you have booked a WEIRDO on this show!
Kermit: A weirdo?
Sam: Read my lips, frog. (Sam moves closer to Kermit and repeats himself slowly and loudly) WEIIIIIIIRRRRRR-DOOOOO!!! (audience laughs)
Kermit: Sam, Mick Jagger is not only one of the world’s most famous musicians, but also one of the world’s most famous people in general!
Sam: Exactly! It baffles me that that indecent, sneering, lowly ingrate has been famous for so long! I MUST find out how he has done it! (Sam marches off to Mick’s dressing room.)
Kermit: You think that was bad? You should have seen him when Alice Cooper was here. (laughter)
(Camera cuts to Mick’s dressing room. Mick is putting on some eyeliner when Sam the Eagle enters.)
Sam: Mr. Jagger!
Mick: Oh, hello, Sam, how are things going?
Sam: Oh, the show is moving along very nicely. (Mick nods.) The audience is being extremely receptive, and everyone is in good spirits because you are here.
Mick: Oh, that’s wonderful. That is really great!
Sam: Yes, and that is exactly why I am NOT in good spirits!
Mick (confused): What do you mean? You just said that the show has been going well tonight. I don’t see how that could make you unhappy.
Sam: Mr. Jagger, let me be honest with you. (points his finger at Mick) I don’t know how you’ve done it! You have made a career out of being a vulgar, pretentious, unruly, and disgraceful juvenile! You must tell me how you have maintained your questionable popularity for so many years! I just cannot get my mind around it! Tell me, please: HOW did you do it???
Mick (pauses): Well…I did it very carefully, Sam. (laughter from audience)
And it also took a lot of patience, dedication, and a great deal of hard work. (Audience laughs as Mick nonchalantly resumes putting on his makeup.)
Sam: WHAT! (to camera) I ask a sensible question and I get a silly answer. (Sam covers his face with his hand in resignation and exits as Mick grins widely.)
Mick: Well, at least he didn’t see my costume for the final number. (pulls out a garishly glittering, fringed cowboy suit open to the navel, with a matching hat) That REALLY would’ve upset him! (audience laughs)
Muppet Sports:
Louis Kazagger: Hello, sports fans! This is Louis Kazagger, welcoming you to the wild world of Muppet Sports! (As Kazagger announces, several Whatnots compete in the following contest.)
Today, we will watch as Y.D. Longface goes for the world record in the Long-Distance Kitchen-Sink Throwing Competition! But he has some tough competition to face, including I.M. Thurstee, E.Z. Goyne, L.M. Enterey, and A.O. Kaye. They want the record just as badly as he does! And they are ready to start! First up is I.M. Thurstee! Here he goes…he winds up…and he has thrown it 55 meters! An amazing feat indeed, folks! Next is E.Z. Goyne…he is getting a running start…WOW! He has thrown it 78 meters! Fantastic! It’ll be very hard for anyone to top that! Now we’ve got L.M. Enterey, ready to go! And he has just tossed it 60 meters. Hmmm. Not quite enough to top E.Z. Goyne, but it’s enough to get into second place. Now it’s time for A.O. Kaye…and he has thrown HIMSELF into the air along with the kitchen sink! (crash offscreen) Ouch! That was a hard landing. He has only gone 7 meters! But he’s not out of the competition yet, folks, because our final contestant is Y.D. Longface! Here he goes. Oh my, what is this? He has a catapult! (Y.D. Longface releases the catapult, and the kitchen sink soars into the sky.) Oh my heavens! I can’t even see where that landed! Well, it looks like Y.D. Longface has set a new world record in the Long-Distance Kitchen-Sink Throwing Competition! This is a remarkable day indeed, ladies and gentlemen! (Louis gets hit in the head by Y.D.’s flying kitchen sink.) Uhhh…back to you. (falls over as the angry competitors chase Y.D.)
Balcony:
Statler: Well, there goes another saying.
Waldorf: What’s that?
Statler: This show has used everything INCLUDING the kitchen sink!
Waldorf: Yeah, but they’re still as unfunny as ever!
Both: Dooooooooooooh-hohohohohohohohohoho!!!!
Backstage Scene #5:
Kermit (using the intercom): All right, everyone onstage for the closing number with Mick! (As several Muppets head toward the stage, Floyd Pepper approaches Kermit. Floyd is wearing a rather plain cowboy outfit.)
Floyd: Hey there, Kermit, my slippery-skinned superior. I gotta get something off my chest right now.
Kermit: What is it, Floyd?
Floyd: Do I really need to wear these jive threads for the closing number? I can’t sing in this getup, man!
Kermit: Listen, Floyd. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing. You’re singing one of the Rolling Stones’ most famous songs. You have to give it your best effort. You have to do it justice. (Scooter enters, also in a cowboy outfit.)
Scooter: You have to sing it right, too, ‘cause Mick’s right there!
Floyd: Oh thanks, Scoots. Thanks for adding more butterflies to my stomach. (laughter from audience as Scooter shrugs)
Scooter: Say, where’s Miss Piggy? She’s supposed to be on stage.
Kermit: Oh, Piggy! Piggy?
(Miss Piggy enters in a Southern belle outfit.)
Miss Piggy: Did someone call for moi?
Scooter: Miss Piggy, get on stage! You’re in the closing number.
Floyd: Well, well, well. That didn’t take much on the frog’s behalf.
Kermit: What do you mean?
Floyd: You just did some hog calling! SOOOO-EEE!! SOOOO-EEEEE!!! Hahahahahahahaaaaahh!!!! (audience laughs as Piggy gets enraged)
Miss Piggy: That does it! I’M GONNA BREAK YOU IN HALF, PEPPER! (Miss Piggy begins chasing Floyd around the backstage. Kermit and Scooter watch in fright as Floyd dashes toward the stage, with Piggy hot on his tail.)
Scooter: Hey, chief? I really think you should introduce the closing number now.
Kermit: Yeah, before someone gets hurt. (Kermit starts to leave, but an offscreen Miss Piggy yells “HIIIYAAAHH!” and whacks Floyd, sending him flying right into Kermit and Scooter. Everyone rises in a daze.)
Floyd (rising): I think it’s an ounce too late for that, Kermit. (audience laughs)
Closing Number:
Kermit: Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the fantastic Mick Jagger! (audience erupts into cheers as the curtain opens)
A countrified (but still flamboyant) Mick is on a ranch surrounded by Muppet horses. As Mick sings “Wild Horses,” Gonzo and Miss Piggy also make appearances, as a rancher and a Southern belle respectively. Floyd, Animal, and Janice sing and play their instruments, along with a silent Whatnot slide guitar player (modeled after Bobby Benson). Huge round of applause at the end.
Curtain Call:
Kermit: Well, it’s been another show. Well, what else could it have been?
Statler: I’ll tell you what! It was a good nap for us! (Waldorf and Statler laugh.)
Kermit: Sheesh. But before you all leave, let’s take some time to thank our very special guest, the incredible Mick Jagger! YAAAAAAYYYYY!!! (audience bursts into applause and cheers as Mick enters in a red blazer and tight white pants) Hey, thanks for doing the show, Mick.
Mick: Kermit, thank you for letting me be here. This is the most fun I’ve had in a while. I just wish my band had been here to share this experience with me.
(Scooter enters.)
Scooter: Oh, don’t worry about that, Mick! I brought them here.
Mick (excitedly): You did?
Scooter: Yep! (calling offstage) Hey, guys! Come on in! (The four huge rolling stones from the cold open rumble onto the stage, scaring Mick and Kermit out of their minds.)
Kermit: Scooter! (Kermit dodges one of the stones) Uh, we’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show…that is, if we aren’t crushed by giant rocks! (As the closing theme plays, the stones begin rolling after Mick, Kermit, Scooter, Fozzie, Annie Sue, Dr. Strangepork, Beauregard, and some penguins, who are all frantically running and calling for help.)
Balcony:
Waldorf: So what do you think of rock and roll? (camera pans out to show Statler carrying a huge boulder)
Statler (straining against the weight of the boulder): Uggghh…it’s too heavy for me. (Then the balcony breaks and Statler falls through with a loud crash.)
Da-da-da-da-da-DA! BLAAAATT!!! (Zoot’s flat note.)
THE END
The Muppets:
Frank Oz as Miss Piggy, Fozzie, Sam the Eagle, Animal, Whatnot Army Commander, and Others
Jerry Nelson as Floyd, Dr. Strangepork, Lew Zealand, Pops, Louis Kazagger, Beethoven Bust, the Announcer, and Others
Richard Hunt as Scooter, Statler, Janice, Candy Man Whatnot, and Others
Dave Goelz as Gonzo, Zoot, Beauregard, and Others
Louise Gold as Annie Sue, “Gimme Shelter” Whatnot Singer, and Others
Steve Whitmire as Male Pig Crew Member, Lips, and Others
Kathy Mullen as Gaffer the Cat and Others
And
Jim Henson as Kermit, Dr. Teeth, Link Hogthrob, the Newsman, Waldorf, and Others
Thanks for reading!
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