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Gorgon Heap
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Well, I just put the finishing touches on it, and here it is:
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: SAMMY DAVIS JR.
STYLE: fifth season
COLD OPENING: Pops is watching the baseball game. Sammy walks in. Pops tells Sammy how glad, how pleased, how thrilled he is to see him. Now he has someone to keep an eye on the game for him while he uses the restroom.
Sammy: “It’s nice to be in a place where you know you’re valued.”
OPENING NUMBER: The Electric Mayhem (on their bus) sings “The Little Old Lady from Pasadena” while an old lady continually passes other cars (among them, Kermit & Fozzie in a Studebaker, Bo driving a taxi, Droop in a VW Beetle, and Uncle Deadly driving a hearse), all against back-projected footage along streets et al.
Statler: “I wonder where she’s headed.”
Waldorf: “I don’t know but at that speed she could get pretty far away pretty fast.”
They look at each other a moment, then both put their hands up, thumbs extended, to hitchhike.
BACKSTAGE: Miss Piggy is pursuing Kermit as usual. Kermit is trying to ignore her as he sends on the Musical Chairs (Jimmy and Fred, whom we can hear playing “Has Anybody Seen My Gal?” on brass instruments). Miss Piggy is unsuccessful with Kermit, and then she gets propositioned herself by Link Hogthrob!
SONG: “Candy Man”- Sammy sings in a candy factory. Along with him are: Fozzie (foreman); Gonzo (boss); Scooter (end of assembly line); the Swedish Chef (throws things in the machine, an alarm clock, a potato et al); Bunsen & Beaker (work on designs, work controls of machine); Crazy Harry (operates a switch that makes a loud BOOM and the product comes out); and Lew Zealand (carries materials). Some creatures, like the dancing slinky creatures from “Java” and the Snerfs are in the background (the Snerfs pop out of valves of the machine). During the number, the Snowths watch the end of the machine and see a marshmallow version of themselves come out, but it’s quickly snatched by Mahna Mahna. Later, while Mahna Mahna is eating the marshmallow treat, a marshmallow version of him comes out and the Snowths take it. Midway through the song, Sammy is joined by a chorus of four kids/babies. Beaker of course accidentally falls in the machine and Bunsen can’t find him until he hears a meep from within.
Bunsen: “Oh very good Beaker! Now the machine will be jammed!”
Beaker comes out covered in chocolate. The kid chorus rushes off and starts biting Beaker. Then Sweetums enters and carries Beaker away.
Sweetums: “Now that’s MY kind of candy bar! Looks just like him…”
Bunsen (realizes): “Uh wait, Mr. Sweetums! Hey, come back with that!”
After the song ends:
Statler: “What do you get when you cover a Muppet in chocolate?”
Waldorf: “You get something that’s sweet on the outside with an unpleasant surprise just below the surface! Heh! Heh! Heh!”
Statler: “Reminds me of my second wife…”
BACKSTAGE: Kermit congratulates the performers on the Candy Man number.
Kermit: “Good job, confectioners. Just go easy on that candy.”
Lew Zealand (running after the others): “Hey, you guys got any gummi fish?”
Kermit congratulates Sammy on the number. Piggy, after exchanging greetings with Sammy (“So nice to have vou with us!”) complains about Link to Kermit, who is too busy to listen and tries to leave for the stage. She stomps on his flipper to make him stay.
Piggy: “He keeps following me around, giving me all this unwanted romantic attention.”
Kermit: “I can relate.”
Piggy warns him when Link walks in. Link is harassing Piggy and Kermit is rather enjoying the shoe being on the other foot. Needless to say, Piggy ends up karate chopping both of them.
MUPPET NEWS: “A $5000 reward has been offered for the capture of a 700-lb. male Siberian tiger, which escaped from the local zoo just three hours ago. The tiger is said to have a large appetite and is extremely dangerous. Zookeeper Edwin Smithers cautioned that anyone who comes into contact with the tiger should avoid making loud noises, sudden movements, or wearing raw meat. Mr. Smithers also added that this particular tiger has a violent aversion to newscasters with glasses and brown checked coats. AHHHHH!”
KOOZEBANE: Kermit interviews the Koozebanian Phlorph, a loudmouthed creature native to the Koozebane Hot Springs.
BACKSTAGE: Kermit tells Piggy that Annie Sue is going to be playing the part of a cadet in Pigs in Space. As he leaves, Annie Sue enters and asks to talk to Piggy, woman to woman, to ask her advice. She refers to a secret crush she’s had on someone in the theater. Piggy is simmering, assuming that it’s her beloved Kermit that Annie Sue is after, but in fact it turns out to be Link! Piggy is relieved, and yet at the same time, disgusted.
DRESSING ROOM: Sammy is chatting with Floyd and Dr. Teeth, and more band members start entering. More characters enter after that. Soon, the room is housing a rather large party!
VETERINARIANS’ HOSPITAL: Sam the Eagle is the patient, and he’s disgusted with the proceedings.
UK SPOT: “Bloody Red Baron”- the Muppets sing while engaged in various dogfights from WWI planes (listen for the cameo by Uncle Deadly)
SONG: “The Lady is a Tramp”- Sammy with the Electric Mayhem (in their bandstand set)
Waldorf: “That Sammy Davis Jr. has sung some great songs.”
Statler: “True, true.”
Waldorf: “’The Birth of the Blues’”.
Statler: “’Let There Be Love’”.
Waldorf: “And of course ‘I’ve Gotta Be Me’”.
Statler: “What?”
Waldorf: “’I’VE GOTTA BE ME’!”
Statler: “… Well, that saves me from having to do it! Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha! Ha-Ha-Ha! Ha-Ha-Ha.”
BACKSTAGE: Link is flaunting it and listing all of his positive (read: ego-inflating) qualities for Piggy, unaware that Annie Sue is listening (and swooning) behind them. He finally notices Annie Sue is there when she faints.
MUPPET SPORTS: Octopus wrestling
Waldorf: “Incredible! How could anyone be stupid enough to wrestle an octopus?”
Statler: “I guess they must have suckered him in!”
S & W: “Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!”
PIGS IN SPACE: the whole scene goes awry and Annie Sue ends up throwing herself at a bewildered Link and smothering him with kisses
SONG: “Mr. Bojangles”- Sammy sings and dances, backed up by the dancing of the Mutations (don’t worry, they’re not comical this time)
CURTAIN:
Sammy, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Floyd, Zoot, Link, Annie Sue, Lew Zealand and Rizzo gather in front of the red curtain.
Statler: “Just between you and me Waldorf, why do we come here every week?”
Waldorf is asleep.
Statler: “Well, it’s as good a reason as any.”
Statler goes to sleep too.
So, comments anybody? Everybody? Nobody
?
Hope you like the movie references, too.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: SAMMY DAVIS JR.
STYLE: fifth season
COLD OPENING: Pops is watching the baseball game. Sammy walks in. Pops tells Sammy how glad, how pleased, how thrilled he is to see him. Now he has someone to keep an eye on the game for him while he uses the restroom.
Sammy: “It’s nice to be in a place where you know you’re valued.”
OPENING NUMBER: The Electric Mayhem (on their bus) sings “The Little Old Lady from Pasadena” while an old lady continually passes other cars (among them, Kermit & Fozzie in a Studebaker, Bo driving a taxi, Droop in a VW Beetle, and Uncle Deadly driving a hearse), all against back-projected footage along streets et al.
Statler: “I wonder where she’s headed.”
Waldorf: “I don’t know but at that speed she could get pretty far away pretty fast.”
They look at each other a moment, then both put their hands up, thumbs extended, to hitchhike.
BACKSTAGE: Miss Piggy is pursuing Kermit as usual. Kermit is trying to ignore her as he sends on the Musical Chairs (Jimmy and Fred, whom we can hear playing “Has Anybody Seen My Gal?” on brass instruments). Miss Piggy is unsuccessful with Kermit, and then she gets propositioned herself by Link Hogthrob!
SONG: “Candy Man”- Sammy sings in a candy factory. Along with him are: Fozzie (foreman); Gonzo (boss); Scooter (end of assembly line); the Swedish Chef (throws things in the machine, an alarm clock, a potato et al); Bunsen & Beaker (work on designs, work controls of machine); Crazy Harry (operates a switch that makes a loud BOOM and the product comes out); and Lew Zealand (carries materials). Some creatures, like the dancing slinky creatures from “Java” and the Snerfs are in the background (the Snerfs pop out of valves of the machine). During the number, the Snowths watch the end of the machine and see a marshmallow version of themselves come out, but it’s quickly snatched by Mahna Mahna. Later, while Mahna Mahna is eating the marshmallow treat, a marshmallow version of him comes out and the Snowths take it. Midway through the song, Sammy is joined by a chorus of four kids/babies. Beaker of course accidentally falls in the machine and Bunsen can’t find him until he hears a meep from within.
Bunsen: “Oh very good Beaker! Now the machine will be jammed!”
Beaker comes out covered in chocolate. The kid chorus rushes off and starts biting Beaker. Then Sweetums enters and carries Beaker away.
Sweetums: “Now that’s MY kind of candy bar! Looks just like him…”
Bunsen (realizes): “Uh wait, Mr. Sweetums! Hey, come back with that!”
After the song ends:
Statler: “What do you get when you cover a Muppet in chocolate?”
Waldorf: “You get something that’s sweet on the outside with an unpleasant surprise just below the surface! Heh! Heh! Heh!”
Statler: “Reminds me of my second wife…”
BACKSTAGE: Kermit congratulates the performers on the Candy Man number.
Kermit: “Good job, confectioners. Just go easy on that candy.”
Lew Zealand (running after the others): “Hey, you guys got any gummi fish?”
Kermit congratulates Sammy on the number. Piggy, after exchanging greetings with Sammy (“So nice to have vou with us!”) complains about Link to Kermit, who is too busy to listen and tries to leave for the stage. She stomps on his flipper to make him stay.
Piggy: “He keeps following me around, giving me all this unwanted romantic attention.”
Kermit: “I can relate.”
Piggy warns him when Link walks in. Link is harassing Piggy and Kermit is rather enjoying the shoe being on the other foot. Needless to say, Piggy ends up karate chopping both of them.
MUPPET NEWS: “A $5000 reward has been offered for the capture of a 700-lb. male Siberian tiger, which escaped from the local zoo just three hours ago. The tiger is said to have a large appetite and is extremely dangerous. Zookeeper Edwin Smithers cautioned that anyone who comes into contact with the tiger should avoid making loud noises, sudden movements, or wearing raw meat. Mr. Smithers also added that this particular tiger has a violent aversion to newscasters with glasses and brown checked coats. AHHHHH!”
KOOZEBANE: Kermit interviews the Koozebanian Phlorph, a loudmouthed creature native to the Koozebane Hot Springs.
BACKSTAGE: Kermit tells Piggy that Annie Sue is going to be playing the part of a cadet in Pigs in Space. As he leaves, Annie Sue enters and asks to talk to Piggy, woman to woman, to ask her advice. She refers to a secret crush she’s had on someone in the theater. Piggy is simmering, assuming that it’s her beloved Kermit that Annie Sue is after, but in fact it turns out to be Link! Piggy is relieved, and yet at the same time, disgusted.
DRESSING ROOM: Sammy is chatting with Floyd and Dr. Teeth, and more band members start entering. More characters enter after that. Soon, the room is housing a rather large party!
VETERINARIANS’ HOSPITAL: Sam the Eagle is the patient, and he’s disgusted with the proceedings.
UK SPOT: “Bloody Red Baron”- the Muppets sing while engaged in various dogfights from WWI planes (listen for the cameo by Uncle Deadly)
SONG: “The Lady is a Tramp”- Sammy with the Electric Mayhem (in their bandstand set)
Waldorf: “That Sammy Davis Jr. has sung some great songs.”
Statler: “True, true.”
Waldorf: “’The Birth of the Blues’”.
Statler: “’Let There Be Love’”.
Waldorf: “And of course ‘I’ve Gotta Be Me’”.
Statler: “What?”
Waldorf: “’I’VE GOTTA BE ME’!”
Statler: “… Well, that saves me from having to do it! Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha! Ha-Ha-Ha! Ha-Ha-Ha.”
BACKSTAGE: Link is flaunting it and listing all of his positive (read: ego-inflating) qualities for Piggy, unaware that Annie Sue is listening (and swooning) behind them. He finally notices Annie Sue is there when she faints.
MUPPET SPORTS: Octopus wrestling
Waldorf: “Incredible! How could anyone be stupid enough to wrestle an octopus?”
Statler: “I guess they must have suckered him in!”
S & W: “Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!”
PIGS IN SPACE: the whole scene goes awry and Annie Sue ends up throwing herself at a bewildered Link and smothering him with kisses
SONG: “Mr. Bojangles”- Sammy sings and dances, backed up by the dancing of the Mutations (don’t worry, they’re not comical this time)
CURTAIN:
Sammy, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Floyd, Zoot, Link, Annie Sue, Lew Zealand and Rizzo gather in front of the red curtain.
Statler: “Just between you and me Waldorf, why do we come here every week?”
Waldorf is asleep.
Statler: “Well, it’s as good a reason as any.”
Statler goes to sleep too.
So, comments anybody? Everybody? Nobody
?Hope you like the movie references, too.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
