Oh yes, here I am. Let the MSTing Begin! The parts of the story <<are in these brackets>>. Mine is plain text.
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<<Names have been changed to protect the innocent...And the guilty.>>
Off the bat we establish this is
not crank yankers...
<<My name is Theo.>>
Oh, can we look forward to Bill Cosby chasing you around?
<<I've been abducted by aliens- not just your ordinary, run of the mill grey types or even Draco-Reptilians.>>
Of course not...those are for amateurs. I'm an old hand at this abduction stuff...
<<These aliens were Nords, but instead of being prodded or probed, I was given an insightful view into their terrifying schemes and bathing habits.>>
Sunshine: Yes, they worshiped Thor and prayed to Gods in Val Hallah...
Me: No no, he said Nords, not Norse...
<<Actually, I don't even remember being taken. One evening, I was relaxing, reading a book in my apartment.>>
I was listening to Yanni...I don't know why...
<<I believe it was the new Walter Kinkaid novel. I must have dozed off. The next thing I remember seeing was the black polished jackboots in front of my face (I was lying on the floor at the time, on my stomach).>>
No, it was NOTHING like an S&M porn...
<<As I looked upward, past the black uniform, I looked into the pale blue eyes of a Nord.
He was about 6 feet tall, and had very short blond hair, parted on the right. His uniform looked, to me, anyway, distinctly like a old German uniform out of some bad World War II movie. >>
Um, after reading your writing, please define "bad"...
<<The Nord offered me his hand, to help me off of the floor.>>
He had a silly hand buzzer on. We laughed. I offered him coffee...
<<Looking at the hand, I noticed that it was extremely pale, and only had four fingers on it. As I rose, the Nord communicated to me, by sending his thoughts directly into my mind (with a distinct German accent).>>
Animals vill be bred un SLAUGHTERED!!
<<"Please, valk this vay....," I heard.>>
Which Run DMC or Aerosmith?
<<The Nord, Otto, began to walk down a dimly lighted hallway. I followed, having nowhere else to go.>>
I doubt this guy ever has anywhere to go...
<<The room I arrived in was barren, with nothing but a bed attached to one corner of the wall. It made me wonder why I had woken on the floor.>>
Maybe because nobody likes you?
<<Anyway, it was only a short walk past some other closed hatchways, when I was lead into what I can only think of as "The Bridge.">>
<<"The Bridge.">>...over River Quai, that is.
<<It was roughly circular in shape. From where I walked in, at the rear of the Bridge, I could see stations rimming the circumference of the circle.>>
Well,
that sounds pretty disgusting...
<<Different Nords, all in those black Space-Nazi uniforms, were standing or sitting there, processing the daily operations of the ship. They all looked exactly identical. This has led me to believe that Nords are Clones. Unfortunately, I did not have access to a computer, or else I would have had them take the Clone Test, just to be certain of their background.>>
Because Nazi Aliens are always willing to take the ocassional undifined "Clone Test."
<<As I continued to examine the Bridge, I noticed more details. There was a chair in the center of the circle, which Otto promptly sat in.>>
He revieled himself as Captain Otto T. Kirk, with a mission to boldly go where no Nazi Alien has ever gone before...
<<The chair swiveled, but normally faced the front of the circle, where there was a large view screen, approximately 7-10 feet back, was a panel where two more Nords sat. I believe that they were responsible for guiding the propulsion of the ship.>>
Which looked NOTHING like Star Trek's...
<<As Otto sat, he asked me, mentally, what I thought of the craft.>>
I told him I never really thought much of basket weaving or popsicle-stick forts.
<<Being more than a wee bit overwhelmed by the whole situation, I didn't answer his question. Instead, I asked one of my own.>>
"If one train is leaving Chicago at the same time another is leaving LA..."
<<I asked where were we going. Otto laughed. "My dear Theo.....we're heading for our base on the moon.">>
I couldn't help but laugh with him, he's such a lovable Nord...
<<Otto then elaborated on his mission.>>
Where shows pagans the light of Christianity...
<<He was responsible for the transport of Nords between Earth and the Moon. He began to tell me something that shook me to the foundation of my being.>>
...and being my foundation hadn't been earthquake checked when it was layed, I could only fear for the worst..
<<He stated that NORDS WERE NOT ALIENS.>>
THEY WERE POLITICIANS!
<<Nords were actually decedents of the remnants of the Third Reich. After the war, the Nazis that survived flew to the Moon in their modified V-2 rocket ships, while the ones who couldn't make it went to places like Argentina and Uruguay. Now Otto was responsible for transporting high officials from Earth to Nazi Central on the Moon. >>
I now realized I was a high ranking Nazi official...all these years of hating people and not knowing why, suddenly made sense!
<<Otto went on to elaborate about how, before, and during, World War II, the German High Command came to decide that there needed to be a "back door," which would allow the important members of the Reich to escape, if the nations of the world conspired against them. I grew increasingly disturbed as I heard more and more of the details of the Nazi space program.>>
The stories of astro-nazis drinking Tang and practicing weightlessness in nazi water tanks were unbarable...
<<I mean, I could take being abducted by aliens, but by Nazis? I just could not fathom it.>>
Oh, but you did. And thank you for doing so...thanks to you an evil guy has fuel in his quest to break our sanity. Thanks again pal!
<<I was wondering how I fit into all of this, when Otto, seemingly reading my mind, responded for me. He stated that I was on board to perform an important mission.>>
I was to go to a strange planet and deliver the gift of music. He dubbed me, Captain EO.
<<However, just when he was about to elaborate on this, an alarm sounded. It seemed that there was some other alien ship (unfriendly) approaching, with weapons armed.>>
This was the ship of Metallica music video extras who left the planet after the world turned on them...
<<I just caught a glimpse of a vague shape on the view screen, as two guards ushered me off of The Bridge. I was brought into a room, where I promptly lost consciousness.>>
He picked a lousy day to start drinking, I guess...
<<When I awoke, I found myself face down on a stretch of abandoned road, outside of a sparsely settled urban area. I thought that it all might have been a dream, except for the fact that I found that I could now speak fluent German. I had never even thought about Germany before, but now I can speak perfectly. I can think of no other possible explanation.>>
Heh, he later finds out his friend Larry was playing "teach yourself German" tapes while he slept and threw him on the abandoned road as a funny ha-ha joke.
<<But hey, now I have a great job as an interpreter for instruction manuals of automotive engines. However, I'd like to meet Otto again, to discover what purpose that had planned for me. I think I could have done for the Nords whatever they had planned for me, but not for Space-Nazis>>
And even though the two are interchangable, it makes no difference. I'm too high to think about it...waiter, another martini please!!!
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And with that, I have triumphed over this garbage! Great find though grail. I can't wait to get my next horror-fest, and quip again!
-Matt
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