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AndyWan Kenobi
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- Feb 27, 2003
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LOVABLE CHARACTERS THREATEN CITY
NEW YORK CITY—In the wake of last week’s terrorist scare, in which a splinter group known as the Aqua Teen Hunger Force brought the city of Boston to its knees, an even more dangerous possibility has emerged in the heart of America’s largest metropolis. A number of sources have confirmed what appears to be the most serious threat to American freedom since 9/11: The Muppets are planning to take Manhattan.
The Muppets, a ragtag band of self-described “lovers and dreamers,” have made overtures of a threatening nature before. Their widely broadcasted promises to “light the lights” and “get things started” have been seen by many as thinly veiled calls to action, though to this point they have taken no overt steps to undermine our way of life.
This may be about to change. Within the past three days, the people of Manhattan have witnessed a series of bizarre events that indicate a sharp rise in Muppet activity. A squadron of boomerang fish, the calling card of one of the group’s more radical members, hovered briefly over Central Park on Wednesday before returning to wherever they came from. There have also been numerous unconfirmed reports of a cackling wild-eyed man known only as “Harry,” long suspected to be a secondary or perhaps tertiary Muppet collaborator, lingering near the city’s major power grids.
While the public has remained virtually unaware of the recent surge in Muppet activity, federal investigators have allegedly warned our nation’s emergency response teams to prepare for some kind of Muppet caper in the next few days—perhaps even a great one. Government authorities are so far refusing to corroborate this information. The Director of Homeland Security could not be reached for comment. In his place, our Very Special Guest Director of Homeland Security, Mr. Steve Martin, had only one thing to say when asked to respond to allegations that the government has purposefully misinformed America about the extent of the Muppet crisis: “Well excuuuuuse me!”
Although the government remains silent, two former members of the Muppet organization have decided to talk. An important break in the case came on Thursday when the first of the men, speaking under condition of anonymity, revealed that he himself had played a key role in the research and development of the Muppets’ latest weapon of terror. His hair singed and his eyes unblinking, he described the secret plan in detail: “Meep, mee mee mee, mo meep meep meeeee!” Authorities believed the man to be in a state of shock after suffering some recent trauma, but the second informant clarified his compatriot’s remarks. “Oh, ya ya ya,” the second man confirmed. “Docski Hønerdü makee big boomsker-boomsker, bork bork bork!”
No statement has been made by the Muppet organization, and as yet no demands have been issued. Analysts are suggesting that the group may be planning some act of eco-terrorism to assist them in taking Manhattan, judging from their leader’s often zealous insistence on bein’ green. Indeed, many fear that the group is planning to unleash some variety of Electric Mayhem on the city within the next few days. Others believe that the group doesn’t truly exist at all, and that their leader is really the puppet of a vast government conspiracy that has had its hand in assisting such radical causes for years. Asked to comment on the large number of theories, one of the many people in the neighborhood from the Muppet leader’s school days had this to say: “There are many theories—I vill count them all! Ahh, ahh, ahh! One theory! Two theories! Three Theories! Four Theories! Five Theories . . . .” He has been taken into custody for further questioning.
Whether the Muppets do attempt to take Manhattan in the next few days remains to be seen. It is clear, though, that this fringe organization will stop at nothing to ensure that its impact is deeply felt.
NEW YORK CITY—In the wake of last week’s terrorist scare, in which a splinter group known as the Aqua Teen Hunger Force brought the city of Boston to its knees, an even more dangerous possibility has emerged in the heart of America’s largest metropolis. A number of sources have confirmed what appears to be the most serious threat to American freedom since 9/11: The Muppets are planning to take Manhattan.
The Muppets, a ragtag band of self-described “lovers and dreamers,” have made overtures of a threatening nature before. Their widely broadcasted promises to “light the lights” and “get things started” have been seen by many as thinly veiled calls to action, though to this point they have taken no overt steps to undermine our way of life.
This may be about to change. Within the past three days, the people of Manhattan have witnessed a series of bizarre events that indicate a sharp rise in Muppet activity. A squadron of boomerang fish, the calling card of one of the group’s more radical members, hovered briefly over Central Park on Wednesday before returning to wherever they came from. There have also been numerous unconfirmed reports of a cackling wild-eyed man known only as “Harry,” long suspected to be a secondary or perhaps tertiary Muppet collaborator, lingering near the city’s major power grids.
While the public has remained virtually unaware of the recent surge in Muppet activity, federal investigators have allegedly warned our nation’s emergency response teams to prepare for some kind of Muppet caper in the next few days—perhaps even a great one. Government authorities are so far refusing to corroborate this information. The Director of Homeland Security could not be reached for comment. In his place, our Very Special Guest Director of Homeland Security, Mr. Steve Martin, had only one thing to say when asked to respond to allegations that the government has purposefully misinformed America about the extent of the Muppet crisis: “Well excuuuuuse me!”
Although the government remains silent, two former members of the Muppet organization have decided to talk. An important break in the case came on Thursday when the first of the men, speaking under condition of anonymity, revealed that he himself had played a key role in the research and development of the Muppets’ latest weapon of terror. His hair singed and his eyes unblinking, he described the secret plan in detail: “Meep, mee mee mee, mo meep meep meeeee!” Authorities believed the man to be in a state of shock after suffering some recent trauma, but the second informant clarified his compatriot’s remarks. “Oh, ya ya ya,” the second man confirmed. “Docski Hønerdü makee big boomsker-boomsker, bork bork bork!”
No statement has been made by the Muppet organization, and as yet no demands have been issued. Analysts are suggesting that the group may be planning some act of eco-terrorism to assist them in taking Manhattan, judging from their leader’s often zealous insistence on bein’ green. Indeed, many fear that the group is planning to unleash some variety of Electric Mayhem on the city within the next few days. Others believe that the group doesn’t truly exist at all, and that their leader is really the puppet of a vast government conspiracy that has had its hand in assisting such radical causes for years. Asked to comment on the large number of theories, one of the many people in the neighborhood from the Muppet leader’s school days had this to say: “There are many theories—I vill count them all! Ahh, ahh, ahh! One theory! Two theories! Three Theories! Four Theories! Five Theories . . . .” He has been taken into custody for further questioning.
Whether the Muppets do attempt to take Manhattan in the next few days remains to be seen. It is clear, though, that this fringe organization will stop at nothing to ensure that its impact is deeply felt.
Thanks for the laugh!