I'm going to start posting a lot less likely but will still be around. I'm on the cusp of major depression, brought on by life circumstances that have been going on over the past year and now I'm really on the verge of breaking down completely. I've thought about ending it all but I just can't. The Muppets are one of the few things in my life that give me happiness, in fact, I could probably count the number of things in life that make me happy right now on one hand. I feel miserable but I can't give up the things that make me happy. So I might be taking a bit of a break from posting but I'll be around - hopefully.
Very sorry to hear you're going through this and i understand it completely since i've also dealt with the idea that the only things that really bring me joy or any reason to keep going are my areas of fandom (
http://muppetfreak.blogspot.com/2012/04/on-mortality-and-why-muppets-matter.html)
A year ago, i was not expected to be here today. I set a date/goal to have everything done by and was fully intent on preparing for that time. But my areas of fandom "got in the way" - one of my fave shows for over 20 years was ending a month afterward and i not only wanted to see how it ended (especially since it was already at a high point and not going down quietly) but also because i had been heavily involved with a large movement to keep it going in some form which looked like it may end up being successful and i wanted to see the fruits of that labor.
I did go through a very major breakdown that lasted for several months later where i think my body/brain got so accostomed to the fact that "i shoudn't be here anymore" that i just spent every moment i could get away with in bed. Aside from the unavoidables like going to work, everything else just stopped. It took about three months (and it's still not "over" as i still have relapses) but i pulled myself out - again to do stuff centered around my fandoms.
It's very tough when one realizes that there's very little left that brings them any amount of joy/reason to keep going and harder when the only things that do are things "outside of yourself" - enjoying the creative works of others as opposed to things that are a part of your direct life.
I'm too much of a realist to say "things will get better" because that's in all honesty an empty promise. No one can make that kind of guarantee and i know for a fact in my own life that in the ten years between the times i was very serious about ending everything that things did indeed very definitively not only did NOT get better in those ten years but got worse to the point where my life's become so messed up that i don't see any realistic ways for there to be any happiness/dreams come true.
HOWEVER, keep in mind that that's coming from someone twice your age and i've had enough time to fully grasp the directions adulthood has taken me where you're at an age where there's a myriad of possibilities still ahead that's worth giving a chance. The years between 20 and 30 are the most transformitive ones where things can dramatically change and even though i may be one of those rare types who is an advocate of one's rights to self-deliverence, i also don't feel it should be done without lots of forethought and reflexion and the full conclusion that there's no better option - and that's something i wouldn't reccomend to someone who's not at least approaching their 30's. Heck, *i'm* still here and kicking when in all good reason i really shouldn't be - but there's still some small flicker in the back of mind that i still have something left to accomplish before my time is up and you have to hold onto things like that.
- And in the meantime, hang on to those areas of fandom to keep you going - if you need to unwind with Muppet mayhem at the end of a long week to bring some smiles through the tears, take them! Take joy where you can find it. That's how "one more day" becomes "one more week" becomes "one more month" and so on.
Also, keep in mind there are people who would still like to see you here and i'm one of them.
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