Favorite Vet's Hospital Lines/Sketches

[Mickey Moose]

What are some of your favorite Vet's hospital lines/sketches?

My favorite would have to be when Kermit was on the bed(when he twisted his flipper). Some of the great lines were:

(After Piggy pours her heart out to Kermit)
Nurse Janice: What do you think is wrong with him?
Dr. Bob: Well for one thing, he's been badly exposed to over-acting. (Laughs) Either that or he's been over-exposed to bad acting.

Dr. Bob: Nurse Piggy, you can't let your emotions get involved. You are a nurse.
Nurse Piggy: I may be a nurse, but I'm a woman first.
Dr. Bob: Wrong! You're a pig first. Nurse, second. I don't think woman made the top 10.

Dr. Bob: He looks like he was under heavy sedation.
Nurse Janice: He was. A 50 pound box of sleeping pills fell on his head.
Kermit: It did not!
Nurse Janice: I know, but it's my only joke.

Dr. Bob: His pulse is weak.
Nurse Piggy: Kermy, can you hear me? I will never leave your side, until you have taken your last breath. (To Dr. Bob) Do you think he heard me?
Dr. Bob: He must have, his pulse has stopped.

 

[furryfella]

What are some of your favorite Vet's hospital lines/sketches?

My favorite would have to be when Kermit was on the bed(when he twisted his flipper). Some of the great lines were:

(After Piggy pours her heart out to Kermit)
Nurse Janice: What do you think is wrong with him?
Dr. Bob: Well for one thing, he's been badly exposed to over-acting. (Laughs) Either that or he's been over-exposed to bad acting.

Dr. Bob: Nurse Piggy, you can't let your emotions get involved. You are a nurse.
Nurse Piggy: I may be a nurse, but I'm a woman first.
Dr. Bob: Wrong! You're a pig first. Nurse, second. I don't think woman made the top 10.

Dr. Bob: He looks like he was under heavy sedation.
Nurse Janice: He was. A 50 pound box of sleeping pills fell on his head.
Kermit: It did not!
Nurse Janice: I know, but it's my only joke.

Dr. Bob: His pulse is weak.
Nurse Piggy: Kermy, can you hear me? I will never leave your side, until you have taken your last breath. (To Dr. Bob) Do you think he heard me?
Dr. Bob: He must have, his pulse has stopped.

LOL!! I Loved those

 

[Gorgon Heap]

Loved the following:

-Charles Aznavour: patient doesn't make it- this one is weird and original funny, and almost a little morbid

-Ben Vereen: George the Janitor as patient; a classic

-Don Knotts: 3-legged bird

-George Burns: telephone

-Bernadette Peters: shoe

-Lou Rawls: all the same jokes twice

-James Coco: Dr. Bob keeps hitting the stomach of the guy who has appendicitis; chorus girls keep dancing by

Dr. Bob (with camera, talking to patient): "Say cheese."
(Patient groans, Dr. Bob takes picture)
Dr. Bob: Close enough.

Janice: He has acute appendicitis.
Dr. Bob: I don't care how cute it is, it has to come out.

Dr. Bob: I'm changing my mind. I am not taking out the appendix.
Piggy: What are you taking out?
Dr. Bob (re: chorus girls): The blonde on the end.

Piggy: Dr. Bob, you cannot go out with a chorus girl. What about the patient?
Dr. Bob: Why should I go out with someone who's sick?

-Helen Reddy: recording studio guy who loses his hearing

Dr. Bob: Well, I can't do anything about his hearing now. Call me tomorrow.
Janice: No Dr. Bob! You're responsible for his ears!
Dr. Bob: You're right. (sings) Call me EAR-RESPONSIBLE. Call me... (hums)

-Dyan Cannon: old lady

Dr. Bob: How old are ya, lady?
Old lady: Young man, I am an octagenarian.
Dr. Bob: I asked your age, not your religion.
Old lady: Young man- young man, do you know what an octagenarian is?
Dr. Bob: Sure, you're like a vegetarian only you eat octopuses! Ha ha ha!

-Linda Lavin: Robin the Frog

Janice: Dr. Bob, I haven't had a line in five minutes!
Dr. Bob: Count your blessings!
Janice: Well, one, I'm rully beautiful-
Dr. Bob: To yourself!
Janice: To everybody.

-Kenny Rogers: Kermit; what Mickey Moose said, overacting/bad acting, I'll never leave your side till you've taken your last breath, etc.


David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

 

[fozziebearcub]

loved the one

he was run over by a flock of cows
its a heard
heard of what
heard of cows
course i heard of cows what planet are you from?

 

[Joggy]

Dr. Bob: "Scalpel."
Piggy: "Scalpel, Dr. Bob."
Dr. Bob: "YOOOW!!! How long have you been a nurse?!"
Piggy: "Well, what time is it?"

Dr. Bob: "Sorry I was late! A musician at the symphony fell through his harp."
Piggy: "Where is he now?"
Dr. Bob: "In rooms nine, ten, eleven and twelve!"

Janice: "Were you calling the patient, stupid Dr. Bob?"
Dr. Bob: "Uh... You wanna try that again?"
Janice: "Were you calling the patient stupid, Dr. Bob?"
Piggy: "I liked the first way better."

Bo: "I'm just here to tell you that the world is coming to an end."
Janice: "Ew no! Like there were so many things I wanted to do with my life!"
Dr. Bob: "Like what?"
Janice: "Like friz my hair and buy some new shooooeees..."

Pinocchio: "That's funny!" (nose grows)
All: "Oooooohh..."

And of course the one described in OM&M but never seen on TV anywhere:

Gonzo: *forgets a line* "Aw, phoeey!"
Announcer: "And so we come to the end of another Vetrinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when we hear Dave Goelz say: "What am I supposed to say now?"

 

[Mickey Moose]

I remembered another one, the one with the Hawaiin Pig.

Nurse Janice: I think he's homesick.
Dr. Bob: Well this will make him feel better (humms and waves his hands over the patient)
Nurse Piggy: What is that?
Dr. Bob: Swaying palms.

Dr. Bob: I think he's suffering from a severe napple dificiency(sp?).
Nurse Piggy: Don't you mean apples?
Dr. Bob: No, napples. You put them in pies.
Nurse Piggy: Oh no.....Pie Napples!!!

Dr. Bob: Let me take his temperature......Yep, he's from Hawaii alright. Look at his temperature....5-0.

 

[MuppetDude]

I'm dying just reading these! LOL! Here's one of my favorites. This is the one from the Roger Moore episode, with a Pig Viking as the patient.


DR. BOB: Listen, my ancestor the viking was terrible at plundering and pillaging.

NURSE JANICE: He was?

DR. BOB: Yes, he blundered his plundering, and he was stupid with his pillaging.

Nurses Janice and Piggy: How stupid was he?

DR. BOB: They called him the pillage idiot.

LOL!!

 

[Philip Kippel]

Some of my favorite Vet's Hospital skits:

Rita Moreno: Fozzie

Charles Aznavour: dead fuzzy-faced man (As Gorgon Heap said, it was original and a bit morbid)

Harvey Korman: hiccuping man (another original one, because Rowlf's reason for not getting on with this operation was because he was too streesed to do it rather being too busy telling jokes)

Sandy Duncan: man with a heart transplant and Rowlf's watch in his chest(Rowlf: "At least if he doesn't make, we'll know the exact time he went.")

Candice Bergen: Behemoth

Avery Schrieber: chicken (the jokes, accompanied by rimshots, are hysterical in this one--I laugh out loud at this one)

Ben Vereen: George the Janitor

Phyllis Diller: loaf of bread

Nancy Walker: "Vet's Hospital" and "At the Dance" go on at the same time

George Burns: telephone (another one with hysterical jokes, accompanied by rimshots--I laugh out loud at this one as well)

Bernadette Peters: shoe

Rudolf Nureyev: piglet/Tribute to Shakespeare

Elton John: Baskerville

Lou Rawls: the same jokes are done twice (also very laugh-out-loud funny)

Liberace: the Drs. make a house call during the Swedish Chef's skit (also hysterical and original)

Sylvester Stallone: Hawaiian pig

Roger Miller: the Drs. have turned into chickens and a chicken is the patient

Andy Williams: rabbit

Senor Wences: Pinocchio

Paul Simon: Gonzo

Roger Moore: viking pig

 

[Timotheus]

My current favorite:
Dr. Bob: "What do we have here, another sick chicken?"
Patient: "I'm not a chicken, I'm a duuuck!"
Nurse Janice: "Shall we begin the operation on the chicken?"
Patient: "DUCK!"
*all three duck*

 

[Gonzo14]

I love the one with the talking shoe, I don't remember what episode it's from