Ernie's Barber Shop
Here's the "Ernie's Barber Shop" skit as best as I can remember.
Bert encounters Ernie inside a storefront locale, with a sign that said "Ernie's Barber Shop". Ernie is dressed in a traditional barber's white button-down shirt. After Bert's initial disbelief in Ernie's new occupation:
Ernie: I have a barber chair, I have a barber pole, so I am a barber!
(If only real life were that simple)
Bert: Yeah, but you haven't given anybody a haircut, even.
E: That's true, but I'm about to...
B: You mean you actually found somebody so dumb, that he will
actually let you cut his hair?
E: You bet, Bert.
Ernie somehow gets Bert to sit in a chair and be wrapped in an apron. Bert said stuff like:
"You don't do this every day."
"I like my hair long Ernie"
As the haircut nears an end, the camera does a close-up of Ernie saying "Just a little more. Clippity-clip clip clip, clippity clip clip." (A close-up was usually done when a stage hand neded to alter something; in this case, removing Bert's tuft, presumably.)
B: Well, how do I look?
E: You look, uh, you look with your eyes.
B: Oh, come on. Where's the mirror, Ernie?
E: Oh, you don't wanna look in the mirror, Bert.
B: Yes I do. Where's the mirror?
(Ernie hands Bert a hand mirror. His pointed head is all but depiliated.)
B: Well....I'm bald.
E: Oh, I wouldn't say that.
B: You wouldn't SAY that? BUT IT'S TRUE! You cut all my hair off. Oh, my hair... oh, my hair... (repeat and fade)
E: It'll grow back. It always does.
I think Ernie gave Bert a book at this point, the purpose of which was to give Bert something to do while his hair regrew.
The second part of the sketch:
E: You know, I feel kind of bad. I cut off all my buddy Bert's hair.
B: (approaching from off-camera with an oversized baseball cap over his head.) Ernie this will not work.
E: Why not, Bert?
B: I can't see where I'm going.
The next scenes show Ernie putting a huge wig, moustache, and beard over Bert's face. I think this was done so no one would recognize him while his hair grew back. While Bert was complaining about how ridiculous he looked, "My frends will laugh me off the street", a short, hairy monster came in. Looked a little like the Mahna-Mahna monster; I think he had a striped shirt. With a deep voice he said "Daddy! What are you doing here Daddy? I'll have to take you home with me." Bert had minor protests with "I'm not your daddy", but they were insufficent to keep from being dragged out by the creature.
The third part of the sketch.
E: Boy, it hasn't been a good day for old buddy Bert. (explains what
happened if you just joined us)
(Bert then walks in with a normal head of hair)
E: Why BERT, you're back!
B: (nods)
E: And your hair grew back!
B: (nods)
E: (after asking some other leading questions with shakes and nods only as responses) I guess they sprayed some kind of "monster" stuff on your head.
B: (nods)
E: But Bert, why are you so quiet? Don't you have anything to say?
B: (In a perfect Cookie Monster voice) COO-KIE!!
Ernie looks at us like, huh? Closing music plays.