Bill Bubble Guy's Muppet Show Script-Harry Secombe

[Dil]

Originally posted by Bill Bubble Guy
Here is a Muppet Newsflash
Special report from Canada. Farmer James G. Giles has invented a new remarkable fertiliser that enables him to grow giant vegetables 10 feet high. Our cameras have contact with Farmer Giles now.
(Harry Secombe appears on the news screen as Farmer Giles)
Newsman: Farmer Giles. This is an exciting breakthrough for food production.
HS: Ooh-ar yes. With my new fertiliser mixture the problem of poor people going hungry will be immensely reduced. There'll be plenty of veggies to go around.
Newsman: Have you grown anything so far?
HS: Yes. Lettuce, carrots and pumpkins.
Newsman: May we see footage of some of them please?
HS: Aaar. Unfortunately I was careless and some rabbits got into the special fertiliser and they grew into giants and devastated my first crop. I am sorry.
Newsman: Are you just pulling some sort of elaborate fancy jest?
(He gets suddenly trampled by a pair of extremely huge rabbit legs running across the newsroom set)

This wouldn't feature that big of the running gags in the Newsflash sketches until the Second Season. But that's good.

 

[MartyMuppets]

This wouldn't feature that big of the running gags in the Newsflash sketches until the Second Season. But that's good.

True Dil. Though in the Vincent Price episode he does get attacked by his own desk at the very end. Thus setting the stage for all his many mishaps in the other seasons. And thank you for saying it's good. Here's a little bit more now:

BACKSTAGE

HS: Kermit. This show is one of the best experiences I have ever had in all my career. I loved the part I just played in that Muppet Newsflash.
K: That's good Harry. I just hope the Newsman wasn't too badly hurt when those giant rabbits ran over him.
HS: It's okay Kermit. He'll be fine. He may have a teeny little scar on his bottom lip where a rabbit's foot scratched him. But his injuries aren't too bad on the whole.
K: A scratch on the lip you say?
HS: Yes. He sustained a hare lip.
(Hilda appears with Charlie)
Hilda: Kermit. Charlie wants to speak to you.
Charlie: Yes Mr.Frog. I feel very lousy after what all those monsters did to me in the canteen.
K: Oh Charlie. I heard about it. And I do so sincerely apologize for the way you were treated.
C: I should hope you're sorry. I always thought it was unpleasant enough when a single muppet monster eats one of the rest of us sometimes. But when several of them do it at once. Believe me it is not something you ever want to go through again.
HS: You poor fellow. You must have felt terrible. All torn up and down in the mouth.
C: Yeah. Several mouths in fact.
K: Here Charlie. Have some extra pay for compensation.
(Charlie pockets the money just as Sweetums appears halfway down the stairs)
Sweetums: Hey Charlie. The gang were all wondering if you'd join us for a drink?
(Charlie races out the backstage exit screaming)
S: Uh well. How would you like to join us Mr.Secombe?
HS: (nervously) Oh that's kind of you but um. (places his arm around Hilda)
This lady and I have a booking for a restaurant. Haven't we Hilda?
H: Oh yes Harry. That's right.
HS: Maybe some other time.
S: Alright. (he goes back up the stairs)
(Harry and Hilda speak quietly)
HS: Thank you Hilda. We must always look out for each other in situations like this mustn't we?
H: Yes Harry. Safety in numbers.
(As they go off together Kermit looks to the camera)
K: I'd be getting gray hairs by now if I wasn't naturally bald.

WAYNE AND WANDA

Sam: And now here are the two greatest singers I have ever known. Wayne and Wanda.

(Curtain opens revealing Wayne and Wanda on a balcony together. Wayne takes Wanda's hand)
Wayne: Take my hand. I'm a stranger in paradise.
(suddenly a what not woman races onto the balcony and starts beating Wayne with an umbrella while a what not man follows and seizes Wanda by the ear)
Man: How many times have your mother and I told you since you were a little girl Wanda? DON'T EVER SPEAK TO STRANGERS!
(they drag poor Wanda off screen leaving Wayne dazed and confused)

 

[MartyMuppets]

(curtain closes on Wayne. Kermit enters)

K: Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, Fozzie Bear is going to try something a little different. Instead of his usual monologue he will perform comedic style mimery in tribute to one of the greatest silent movie comedians of all time.
Statler: Well that'll be an improvement upon his act. He won't be speaking.
Waldorf: Yeah. At least we'll only have to put up with seeing him. (they laugh together)

K: So here he is Mr.Fozzie Bear.
(curtain opens revealing Fozzie dressed up as Charlie Chaplin swaggering around with a derby hat, cane and false moustache. While he's performing suddenly a muppet bearing a striking resemblance to Mr.Chaplin comes onstage)
Chaplin Muppet: (angrily) How dare you use my image and my style without permission. I won't stand for this and neither will my friends.
(Before Fozzie knows it Muppets in the images of Buster Keaton, Harold Lloyd, Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy appear and start hitting him with cream pies and honking horns in his ears and squirting water through flowers on their lapels while the hecklers cheer them on. Finally he runs offstage screaming chased by all of them)

 

[MartyMuppets]

BACKSTAGE
(Fozzie runs past Kermit with the silent movie stars in pursuit. Kermit just sighs and speaks into the intercom)
K: Harry, Rowlf and back-up singers stand by for the closing number.

(Harry, Rowlf and two pigs head onstage. George appears followed unknowingly by Sweetums)
Sweetums: Hey Kermit. I have to tell you that since Charlie refuses to socialize with us anymore all the other monsters have reverted back to their messy ways.
K: But Sweetums. They were all so very rough on poor Charlie. That's why he doesn't want to have anything more to do with them.
S: Sorry Kermit. But I told you they have their natures built into them. I said it was all a waste of time.
(Sweetums leaves)
George: (to Kermit) I think I'd better just keep cleaning up after them without complaint. I don't ever intend to get myself eaten by one monster during one of our shows if I can help it. Let alone by several of them.
K: Sheesh! (heads onstage)

CLOSING NUMBER

K: And now once again, here's Mr.Harry Secombe. Yaay!
(curtain opens. Rowlf is playing piano in the background while Harry and the two pigs, one on his right, the other on his left, each throw a coin into a fountain. Then they sing together in perfect unison, "Three Coins in the Fountain")
HS and Pigs: Three coins in the fountain
Each one seeking happiness.
Thrown by three hopeful lovers
Which one will the fountain bless?
Three hearts in the fountain
Each heart longing for its home.
There they lie in the fountain
Somewhere in the heart of Rome.
Which one will the fountain bless?
Which one will the fountain bless?
Three coins in the fountain
Through the ripples how they shine.
Just one wish will be granted.
One heart will wear a valentine.
Pig on left: Make it mine.
Pig on right: Make it mine.
HS: Make it mine. (he holds the note with great feeling while Rowlf concludes the musical accompaniment)
(Then a girl with a veil concealing her face comes onstage, approaching Harry, embracing him. But when he bends down and lifts the veil he does a double take. The girl turns around revealing herself to be Boppity in a golden wig and dress)

K: Once again the time has come to say good-bye. Let's not forget to show our appreciation to our special guest star Mr.Harry Secombe! Yaaay!
(Harry comes onstage waving and smiling)
HS: Thanks Kermit. I have so enjoyed my time with you tonight. I only have one complaint.
K: What's that Harry?
(Boppity comes onstage still dressed up like a girl and embraces Harry again)
HS: I want the coin I threw in the fountain refunded.(he starts to laugh)
K: We'll see you next time on the Muppet Show.
(the cows from Harry's first number, Miss Piggy from his second number and Rowlf and the two pigs from his closing number all crowd around him as the closing credits start to run)

Statler: Waldorf if I pay you twenty bucks will you take my ticket for next week's show and give it to somebody else?
Waldorf: Sorry but no. I wouldn't wish such a fate on my worst enemy.
Statler: Shucks.

 

[D'Snowth]

That was excellent Marty! It was funny and entertaining. I'd actually like to see it if it was an actual episode. Great job!

 

[MartyMuppets]

That's so great to hear Snowthy. Anybody else care to comment? What are your favourite parts?

 

[crazed gonzo fa]

You have quite a talent BBG!!! The way you've written it is like watching the episode! Ever thought of making Muppet Show Tonight sketches? Like I said, great job!!!

 

[MartyMuppets]

Actually cgf I did start a rough job at a Muppets Tonight outline guest starring Sarah Michelle Gellar and the Count from Sesame Street. That project has been on hold for awhile but I plan if God allows to get back to it eventually.

 

[MartyMuppets]

So any other comments or even suggestions?

 

[Ruahnna]

Enjoyed it immensely, Marty. Please keep going.