Bill Bubble Guy's Muppet Show Script-Harry Secombe

[MartyMuppets]

I had originally planned to do all this in one go but I'm dying to share part of it with you so here is what I have done so far. Bear in mind I still have no confidence at all when it comes to writing a sketch such as Vet's Hospital and I'm hoping that Gorgon Heap or somebody will help me out by giving me a couple of jokes to start me thinking of how to write my VH with the Swedish Chef as the patient. I shall also endeavour to present this in as few posts as possible using the edit feature to add to them. So here goes:

IT'S THE MUPPET SHOW FEATURING OUR GUEST STAR MR.HARRY SECOMBE
Season one style

Fozzie joke: Can all of you jump higher than Mt.Everest? Yes of course. Have you ever heard of Mt.Everest jumping?

Kermit's guest star introduction: curtain opens revealing Harry and Piggy embracing each other on the park bench in the scene for their duet number.

Gonzo swings at the O, Piggy pops up, gets hit on the snout and sends Gonzo flying out of sight with one chop.

OPENING
Kermit: Greetings to you all and welcome to our show. Our guest tonight is the great Welsh singer Mr.Harry Secombe and I'm sure you're going to enjoy his magnificent voice. But before you get to hear him sing here is The Great Gonzo to perform a rendition of an old rock and roll favourite with some very special co-stars. YAAAAY!

OPENING NUMBER: 7 LITTLE GIRLS SITTING IN THE BACK SEAT

Gonzo is driving an old-fashioned car with the scenery slowly moving along like on a thread to suggest movement. T. R. the Rooster is in the back with 7 hens.

Hens: Buck Buck Buck etc. similar to the do do do of the original lyrics
Gonzo(singing) :7 little girls sitting in the back seat hugging and a kissing with Fred.
I said why don't one of you come up and sit beside me and this is what the 7 girls said,
One hen: Altogether now 1 2 3 (all) Keep your mind on your driving and your hands on the wheel and keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead.
We're having fun sitting in the back seat kissing and a hugging with Fred.
Buck Buck etc.

Gonzo: Drove through the town. Drove through the country showed them how a motor could go.
I said how d'ya like my triple carburetta and one of them answered low.
One hen: Altogether now 1 2 3 (all) Keep your mind on your driving and your hands on the wheel and keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead.
We're having fun sitting in the back seat kissing and a hugging with Fred.
Buck Buck etc.

Gonzo: 7 little girls smooching in the back seat every one in love with Fred.
I said you don't need me. I'll get off at my house and this is what the 7 girls said.
One hen: Altogether now 1 2 3 (all) Keep your mind on your driving and your hands on the wheel and keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead.
We're having fun sitting in the back seat kissing and a hugging with Fred.
Gonzo: All of them in love with Fred.
Buck
Gonzo: Kissing and a hugging with Fred.
Buck
Gonzo: Wish that I could be like Fred.
Buck

Waldorf: Tell me Statler. Would you like to be like Fred?
Statler: No Waldorf. I'm a fred not.
(They laugh together)

BACKSTAGE

Kermit: (to T. R. and the hens) That was a perfect opening number chickens. Well done. (sees Gonzo looking a little downcast) Ah cheer up Gonzo. You sang very good in that number.
G: I know Kermit. But I just can't handle rejection. What has Fred got that I haven't got?
K: Well Gonzo. The two of you are indeed very different. Maybe the hens all admire his rooster crow sound.
G: In that case I'll show them that I can crow just as well myself.
K: Do you really think you can Gonzo?
G: Of course Kermit. One day those chickens will find me just as attractive as my rival Fred. Just listen to me. (takes a deep breath then cries out croakily) Cawk-a-doo-doo-dle-dooie! (repeats it twice then Beautiful Day Monster runs up from behind with a club and knocks him unconscious to the floor)
BDM: The poor thing sounded like it was in so much pain I just had to put it out of its misery.
(BDM runs off before Kermit can say anything)

(Harry Secombe appears walking down the stairs from the dressing rooms)
K: Oh. It's Mr.Harry Secombe.
HS: Hello Kermit.
K: Hello there Harry.
HS: Kermit. I just want to let you know how very thrilled I am to be here on your show tonight.
K: Thank you. We're all so very pleased you could join us Harry.
HS: Tell me Kermit. Have my back-up singers for my first number arrived yet?
K: Oh yes they have. Hey everybody. Come and meet Mr.Secombe.
(5 or 6 cows surround Harry moo-ing at him)
HS: (smiling broadly towards the camera) I really should have been expecting this. Especially since my first number is to be MOOOOOO-n River. (He laughs as the cows all start to moo again in response)

 

[MartyMuppets]

TALKING HOUSES

House 1: My son is in the law enforcement services. He punishes criminals.
House 2: Is he a policeman?
House 1: No. He's a prison center.

HARRY'S FIRST NUMBER

Kermit: And now ladies and gentlemen. It is my honour to present our guest star Mr.Harry Secombe to perform Moon River for you tonight.
(curtain opens revealing Harry standing in a cow pasture with a river nearby and a big, shiny, full moon against a black background to suggest evening time. Harry sings while all the cows moo in harmony to the melody)

Moon river.
Wider than a mile.
I'm crossing you in style someday.
Dream maker.
You old heart breaker.
Wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Moon drifter.
Off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end
waiting round the bend. My huckleberry friend.
Moon river and me.
(the cows all gather around Harry during the musical interlude while he smiles broadly)
(Harry resumes singing) We're after the same rainbow's end
waiting round the bend. My huckleberry friend (cows join in here) Mooooooo-n river and meeeee! (he raises his arms at this part and the cows all raise their heads in one last big moo together. Harry pats their heads during the applause)

Waldorf: That number was pretty stupid really. Weren't those cows annoying?
Statler: Yeah. They were pathetic. Made me sick.
Waldorf: Terrible.
Statler: Idiotic.
(2 bulls pop up)
Bull 1: What's that you were saying about our lady friends?
Bull 2: We and the rest of the boys don't like that.
W: Oh no. We didn't really mean it. We loved their number.
S: Yeah. Yeah. They were marvellous. Made me glad.
W: Delightful.
S: Brilliant.
Bull 2: Well that's more like it.
Bull 1: But watch your step from now on geezers.
(they depart leaving Statler and Waldorf shaking in their seats)

 

[MartyMuppets]

MUPPET LABS

Dr.Bunsen Honeydew: Welcome to Muppet Labs where the future is being made today. And I have some wonderfully good news for people who suffer from extreme hair loss such as myself. I'm really tickled pink about this. (holds up a bottle) Muppet Labs patent new hair restorer lotion. Watch how I demonstrate what it will be able to do for all you fellow baldies of mine. (he opens the lid and rubs some of it into his head) The effect is instantaneous. (hair starts to grow on him and continues to grow while he's talking) Now you will never have to fear the curse of losing your hair. Our new hair restorer works wonders to replenish your crop of beautiful hair to retain your handsome appeal to ladies. It is good. (realizes hair on his fingers) Uh maybe a bit too good. I think there are a few bugs to be worked out. (by this time hair completely covers his face and hands and a what-not dogcatcher appears and nets him)
Dogcatcher: Come on pooch. I'm taking you to the pound.
Bunsen: No. You don't understand. Ugh. (he is dragged offstage)

BACKSTAGE

HS: Kermit I am so enjoying myself tonight. Who am I to perform with next?
K: Miss Piggy Harry. Ah here she comes. The two of you are to perform a duet together a bit later on.
(Piggy walks up) MP: Hello Harry.
HS: Miss Piggy! This is an honour indeed. I have always highly admired you.
MP: Really? Oh Harry I always enjoyed your singing capabilities also.
K: Well that's lovely. Why don't the two of you go off together and get in some rehearsal for your number?
HS: Good idea. Let's go Piggy dear. (he takes her arm to lead her to the dressing room)
MP: Oooh Harry! Harry!
(after they leave George the Janitor appears)
G: Kermit. I have a big complaint to make.
K: What is it George?
G: I am getting sick and tired of having to constantly clean up the mess that the monsters are always making in the canteen. It has got to stop.
K: Okay George. I promise to do something. (notices Sweetums nearby) Oh hey Sweetums. I want to speak to you.
S: Yes Kermit.
K: Listen Sweetums. George here is very unhappy about the way all the other monsters are making messes in the canteen. It must stop.
S: Well I'm sorry Kermit. But it's really in a monster's nature to be messy. They can't help being what they are.
K: Never the less Sweetums, they are going to have to learn to change their habits. (notices a what-not appearing in the background) Hey Charlie. Can you come here please?
C: Yes Mr.Frog?
K: Charlie I'd like you to go with Sweetums and give the other monsters instructions in good, clean, tidy habits. They've been messing up the canteen and causing poor George here extra work. I'll pay you for your troubles.
C: Okay Mr.Frog. I'll do it.
K: Thank you. You'll be sure to help Charlie with his task won't you Sweetums?
S: Very well Kermit. But I'm telling you it's all just going to be a waste of time. (He and Charlie head off)
K: Are you happy with the action I've taken George?
G: Yeah. But it had better gain good results or else I'll downright refuse to clean up after those monsters anymore.

 

[Fragglemuppet]

I just realized that although I ment to reply last night, I never actually got to do it. I'd say my favorite bit was the bulls in with Stattler and Waldorf. It may have been a second too long, (I'm not an expert on timing), but it was definately funny!
I've never heard of Harry Secombe before, except I know from the dorms that you like his music. That being said, I'd never heard of many of the guest stars on TMS, and that doesn't stop me from enjoying and appreciating them! Keep up the good work!

 

[MartyMuppets]

SONG-I DREAM OF JEANNIE WITH THE LIGHT BROWN HAIR

A what-not man rubs a lamp on a table in a nice living-room setting. A beautiful light brown-haired female genie appears in a puff of smoke. She giggles and simpers while the man sings to her.

I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair
Born like a vapour on the summer air.
I see her tripping where the bright streams play.
Happy as the daisies that dance on her way.
Many were the wild notes her merry voice would call.
Many were the blithe birds that warbled them all.
I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair
Floating like a vapour on the soft summer air.

I long for Jeannie with the daydawn smile
Radiant with gladness, warm with winning guile.
I hear her melodies, like joys gone by
Sighing round my heart o'er the fond hopes that die.
Sighing like the night wind and sobbing like the rain.
Wailing for the lost one that comes not again.
I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair
Floating like a vapour on the soft summer air.

Jeannie: What is your command master?
Man: I would like a table booking for two at the most luxurious restaurant plus two tickets to the new blockbuster film at the cinema please.
J: Your wish is my command. (snaps her fingers and tickets and table booking appear in his hand in another puff of smoke)
Man: (turns and calls out) Mabel. I have them.
Mabel: (appears and embraces him) Oh how wonderful Herman. Let's go.
Herman: Thank you Jeannie. (they go off arm-in-arm)
(Jeannie watches open-mouthed, throws herself face down onto the table and starts to cry bitterly)

Waldorf: I liked that number but I really feel sorry for poor Jeannie.
Statler: I should have called out and offered to go with her instead. Then it would have gotten me out of this theater. Huh. (Statler sulks while Waldorf stares incredulously at him then towards the camera)

HARRY'S SECOND NUMBER-DUET WITH PIGGY

(Harry and Piggy are seated on a park bench embracing each other as they sing Somewhere my Love. Some beautiful muppet birds are quietly chirping in the trees behind them)
P: Somewhere my love.
There will be songs to sing.
Although the snow
Covers the hope of spring.
HS: Somewhere a hill
Blossoms in green and gold.
And there are dreams
All that your heart can hold.
HS and P: Someday we'll meet again my love.
Someday whenever the spring breaks through.
P: You'll come to me out of the long ago.
HS: Warm as the wind, soft as the kiss of snow.
P: Till then my sweet
Think of me now and then.
HS: God speed my love till you are mine again
HS and P: Till you are mine again.
(they cuddle affectionately at the end of the number)

BACKSTAGE

(Kermit and George address Sweetums)
K: Sweetums. George and I would like to know if the monsters are starting to be more tidy.
S: Actually yes Kermit. They have changed their ways and they promise never to leave the canteen in such a sorry state again.
G: Oh that makes me so very happy.
K: So Charlie really convinced them eh?
S: He sure did. All my fellow monsters ate a meal under his supervision very nicely and then they cleaned up after themselves when they had him for dessert.
(Sweetums leaves as Kermit reacts in shock. George simply turns his face to the camera with a dead-pan expression)

 

[MartyMuppets]

I'm up to the Vet's Hospital sketch now with the Swedish Chef as the patient. I'm hoping somebody will give me a joke or two to help inspire me since I have no idea how to write such a sketch or I hope if I watch my DVDs again the Hospital skits on them may give me the correct confidence.
So for now my script is at a stand still. If anybody has any guidance for me please PM me.

 

[MartyMuppets]

I have had some advice from a new forum friend and so I'll be giving Vet's Hospital my best shot.
I also fondly thought that I could add to the second half of my outline as I script it. Include a little bit more material. So here's another idea I've had to insert before the VH sketch

TALK SPOT

Sam the Eagle: Mr.Secombe. I want to express my absolute joy at having you on the show tonight.
HS: Thank you Sam. It's a privilege.
S: You have the most remarkable voice and I love to hear you sing the classic songs from opera and great musicals.
HS: That's very kind of you.
(Fozzie suddenly appears)
F: Hey Harry. You're my hero too.
S: Er excuse me bear. This is my talk spot with Mr.Secombe.
HS: No. It's all right. I always have time for my fans. Fozzie I'm honoured to be admired by a comedian like you.
F: Yeah. You know you were one of the key inspirations to me becoming interested in comedy. Your comedian talents were so hilarious.
HS: That's true. I was a comedian as well as a singer. On the Goon Radio Show. I'm very pleased you remember those days of my past.
S: Well that's very good but I was starting to say....
F: (cutting Sam off) One of my favourite gags that you did was speaking about how you were swimming ashore from one point to another.
HS: Ah yes. I recall that. As I swam ashore I dried myself to save time. (Harry and Fozzie both start to laugh)
S: Uh. May we get back to the subject of your singing? My favourite....
HS: (cutting Sam off) Remember this line of mine Fozzie? When someone asked me if these two seats were taken. You know what I replied?
F: Oh yeah. You said No. They're still here! Wocka-wocka! (they laugh some more)
S: This is not the way I planned this Talk Spot to go.
HS: (ignoring Sam) And my favourite one of all Fozzie. Have you any ink?
F: (on cue with the line) Right. Here's a fresh bottle aaah.
HS: (makes out he's drinking with his hand to his mouth and his head tilted back) GULP! Aaaah. Gad. Was I thirsty.
(Sam gives up and goes offstage in disgust while Fozzie and Harry laugh so heartily neither one of them notices Sam leave)

Waldorf: Have you ever drank ink?
Statler: I would only drink it chilled. Semi-frozen like iced tea.
W: Really?
S: Yeah. But I would always need a bath badly afterwards.
W: Oh how come?
S: Well you know. Iced ink.
(Waldorf gets the pun and they laugh together)

I hope somebody tells me what they think of this additional sketch. I'll be working upon Vet's Hospital next.

 

[redBoobergurl]

Funny stuff Marty! I don't even know where to begin! I love Gonzo singing that song, it's always been one of my favorites. You've got Statler and Waldorf down quite well too, I love their jokes! The backstage stuff is quite good too! Anyway, I'm enjoying it, you do a great job writing outlines!

 

[MartyMuppets]

VET'S HOSPITAL

And now Veterinarian's Hospital. The continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.

(As the narrator's voice is heard Piggy, Janice and Dr.Bob are all seen huddled around a small table in the left-hand corner playing cards. When they realize the sketch is starting they quickly stop their game. Dr.Bob actually throws his cards up in the air and they move over to the operating table. The patient is completely covered)

Dr.Bob: Okay. What is the matter with this patient?
Janice: We don't know Dr.Bob.
Dr.B: What do you mean you don't know?
Piggy: Well just listen to him for yourself.
(Dr.Bob pulls up the sheet to reveal the Swedish Chef who starts talking. No-one can understand him.)
Dr.B: I don't have any idea what he's saying. Where does he come from?
J: He comes from Sweden Dr.Bob.
Dr.B: Sweden! What on earth is a patient from Sweden doing with us?
P: He was sent to us by foreign exchange. Our english-speaking patient went to Sweden.
Dr.B: This annoying foreign exchange program is wearing me out.
J: You mean your patience's running out Dr.Bob?
Dr.B: No of course not. He's still lying on the table here.

And so Dr.Bob is stuck in a rut with a non-english patient. Tune in next week when we'll hear the patient say:

(Chef rattles off some more of his Swedish talk)
I want Dr.Bob to say something funny to it in reply but at the moment my mind's a blank. These sketches are definitely not my strong suit and I'm not really completely happy with my attempt though I suppose it is a good one. But I hope one of my friends can help me for a final re-furbished edition eventually.

 

[MartyMuppets]

MUPPET NEWSFLASH

Here is a Muppet Newsflash
Special report from Canada. Farmer James G. Giles has invented a new remarkable fertiliser that enables him to grow giant vegetables 10 feet high. Our cameras have contact with Farmer Giles now.
(Harry Secombe appears on the news screen as Farmer Giles)
Newsman: Farmer Giles. This is an exciting breakthrough for food production.
HS: Ooh-ar yes. With my new fertiliser mixture the problem of poor people going hungry will be immensely reduced. There'll be plenty of veggies to go around.
Newsman: Have you grown anything so far?
HS: Yes. Lettuce, carrots and pumpkins.
Newsman: May we see footage of some of them please?
HS: Aaar. Unfortunately I was careless and some rabbits got into the special fertiliser and they grew into giants and devastated my first crop. I am sorry.
Newsman: Are you just pulling some sort of elaborate fancy jest?
(He gets suddenly trampled by a pair of extremely huge rabbit legs running across the newsroom set)