Chapter Twelve
"That's the wrong kind of ivy!"
"You mean there's more than one kind of ivy? I just drew the kind they grow at Wrigley Field. Just so you know, it makes a nifty substitute for lettuce if you're ever feeling adventurous. A very interesting aftertaste."
"I've got no time for lunch, bazooka beak. Make the leaves wider, more pronounced. It gives the flair a star like moi needs for a torch number."
A few weeks had passed since Paul McCartney opened the new season with a bang for the Muppets. A handful of episodes had been filmed, all to good ratings and a sudden newfound tepid endorsement from the critics. Lots of fun guest stars had passed by too, from Tina Fey to Jay-Z to penguin playboy and cinematic auteur Lance Chance. This upcoming week's guest star was about to be announced by Kermit, provided he could get Piggy and Gonzo to quit bickering.
"Guys, quiet down over there. I've got an announcement to make."
"Sorry, Kermie. I was just trying to resolve a dispute with Gonzo over the set for my new song I want to do next week."
Gonzo flailed his arms in objection. "She tried to stab me with an india ink pen!"
Kermit rolled his eyes. "Can you guys please settle down? Now, I've just got off the phone with the network and we've got a great guest star for next week."
The normal guesses began creeping out from the crowd of Muppets assembled in their living room.
"I knew the president would want to meet us!"
"Now I can finally find out if Stevie Wonder is actually blind!"
"Well, we worked with Paul Simon, so I guess it was only fair to ask Art Garfunkel to come on. The government has that equal airtime rule for cases like that."
Kermit shook his head. "Nope. She's someone we worked with before-"
"Jean Stapleton!", yelled Fozzie from the background.
"Fozzie, Jean's been retired for a long time."
"We worked with her on our last movie-"
"Walter!", shouted Rizzo, who then clapped his hands with the certainty of someone getting the winning lottery numbers in advance.
"No, I said her. Walter works with us all the time now, plus he's a guy. Our guest star is none other than Rashida Jones!"
Applause erupted from everyone in the living room, even those who made the wrong guesses.
"So you guys have this weekend to come with ideas to bring to the theater for Monday's first rehearsal. Hope you guys come up with some good ideas!"
The living room crowd dispersed, mainly to the kitchen, as Kermit made his way out of the room. Pretty soon, it was only Piggy and Gonzo still crowded around the desk.
"What is that piano doing so close to moi? I need space to move around, to project my voice."
Gonzo sneered. "The piano is close to you so the audience can hear it."
"Move it back. I'll tell Rowlf to smash on the keys extra-hard to project the noise to the crowd."
"But then what about the arches? Do you want him right behind the arch in the back?"
"How am I supposed to know? Just do whatever."
Gonzo began sketching a piano in front of the arch in the back. The planned set had a set of arches, increasing in size, behind Piggy as she sung. She was fond of arches ever since her time in Paris, where she gazed upon the "Gateway Arc de Triumphe".
"No, no, move the piano back! What are you doing?"
"You just told me that you didn't know where you wanted the piano!"
"Well, I know I don't want it there."
"How about we just take the piano off the stage then! You can sing without any music!"
Rowlf cut in from the kitchen. "Don't take me out of this song! I might not get on stage otherwise."
"You stay out of this!" shouted Piggy.
"Just tell me where I have to be during rehearsals and I'll figure it out from there."
With Rowlf out of the picture, Piggy could resume discussion her artistic vision with Gonzo.
"Kermit said I'm not allowed to do any more numbers where I sing a cappella anymore; he says people in the audience filed a class-action lawsuit about hearing loss or something. It's not my fault a lot of old people came to the show when Jimmy Carter was the guest star. Hmmph!"
"Then I guess the piano goes back on stage."
Gonzo lifted pencil to paper again, only to find the pencil knocked out of his grasp by a gloved hand. "Not there though!"
"Uggh! I can't do this anymore! You want one thing, then you want another! Make up your mind!"
The fracas could be heard all the way in the kitchen, but most of the gang chose to ignore it. Those kinds of fights were par for the course, and didn't attract any attention or intervention unless the toppling of the desk was heard, and then that noise was mostly call for people to watch. However, Andrew, not yet used to the constant arguing and boisterousness of the house, gingerly made his way to the living room, where Piggy was attempting to use Gonzo's nose as a compass for another arch on the paper.
"Um….what's going on?"
Piggy abruptly tossed Gonzo to the floor. "We were just trying to work out some artistic differences."
"She was trying to turn my nose into a compass!"
"Did it hurt?", asked a concerned Andrew.
"She should have known my nose is better as a protractor! Didn't you see my act last week?"
Piggy shook her head and picked up the piece of paper from the desk. "We're trying to work out the set for my torch song. Lots of beautiful arches, wouldn't you think?"
Andrew saw the eraser-streaked paper, covered with scratches and arrows around a bunch of arches and what might have been a piano.
"It's too crowded. Too many arches."
"Simply not possible," Piggy huffed.
Andrew grabbed a pencil and sat down at the desk.
"See, if you were to put the two arches off to the side like this, and then a big one in the middle, with the piano behind it, there'd be more room for you to walk around and sing."
He furiously scribbled with Piggy craned her neck to grab a look at his treatment, but his hand moved too quickly for her to get a look at anything clearly until he was finished.
"See, you can sing from arch to arch, stopping in the middle at the end of the number."
Piggy's eyes went wide as she thought about herself swaying about the stage, staring down the audience as she belted out her latest masterpiece of a performance.
"Let me see that paper." She snatched the paper off the desk, wrinkling a corner to Andrew's chagrin.
"Hmm….I like this! I like this! Let's put on some drapes on the arches on the side. Draw those in there! Don't forget the ivy too!"
Gonzo looked up from the ground. "I do like that set Andrew. Very classy."
"Why don't you go see what Camilla's up to?" snorted Piggy.
"I get the hint!" Gonzo up and left, bumping into Kermit on his down the stairs.
Kermit peered into the room, spotting Piggy leaning over Andrew's hunched figure at the desk. Oh no, he thought to himself. Piggy's going to eat him alive.
"Piggy? What are you doing?"
She grabbed the paper with one arm and Kermit with the other. "Oh Kermie! Andrew has given me the finest idea for my torch song! Look at these beautiful arches and drapes! Just like in Paris, Kermie! Tre sophisticated! I must go find fabric samples for the drapes. Kissy-kissy!" She planted a smooch on Kermit's nose and ran off towards her bedroom.
"Did you draw that for Piggy? It looked very nice," said Kermit as he made his way over to the desk.
"Thanks! I heard her and Gonzo fighting and wanted to help out."
"I had no idea you were interested in scenery."
"Well, I had always wanted to make sure my taxidermy projects stood out in school, so I figured that the best way to put things in the background. Make a set, I guess. My favorite one was for my replica of the arraignment of Whitey Bulger."
"That's very unique, to say the least. We always have the hardest time figuring out how to dress the set on here, too many cooks in the kitchen sort of thing. Everyone wants to create their own set, but we only have so many people to help out. Do you think you'd like to become in charge of helping make the scenery here?"
Andrew jumped out of his seat and gave Kermit a big hug. "Really? Really? You're not joking!"
"Nope." Kermit could barely squeak out another word in Andrew's arms.
"I'd love to!"
"That's great. Now please let go."
"Sorry." Kermit took a couple of deep breaths before shaking Andrew's hand.
"I'll take you to the theater later to show you where all our props are and where I keep the order forms for anything you might want."
Andrew was so excited he barely heard anything else Kermit said. He had a real job, one that he had earned all by himself. Sure, it wasn't a taxidermy job, but it involved something he was good at and he enjoyed. He couldn't wait to tell his dad and Hillary.
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Coming up next in Chapter Thirteen: A black-tie charity dinner for the Muppets proves to be disastrous for the Eagle family.