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PRAWNIE: Alright folks—I hope this theater has earthquake insurance. Heeeere’s Sweetums! (SWEETUMS trounces onstage) (Applause) SWEETUMS: (gruff laugh) Every year we Muppets put out new merchandise for you, the crazed fans, to purchase—and every year ya keep buyin’ it! (laugh) Well, this...

(Dr. BUNSEN Honeydew comes onstage) BUNSEN: Hello there, I’m Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and it is my pleasure to be here to present the award for “Master Manipulator.” Now, contrary to popular belief this award was not named after Dr. Frankenstein’s wonderful creation was brought to life. No, no, in...

(UNCLE DEADLY sulks onstage) UNCLE DEADLY: Ah, what fools you viewers be. You’re spending your night watching this ridiculous awards show, when you know good and well that the Penguin Repertoire Theatre is putting on their rendition of Macbeth—now aptly renamed “Quackbeth.” I know where I’ll...

PRAWNIE: And now… your guide through the Labyrinth… Hoggle! (Applause) (HOGGLE hobbles onstage) HOGGLE: (grunts) I’m Hoggle. Now listen up… I’m presentin’ the award for “Fan of Fantasy”—the biggest fans of Jim Henson’s “other” worlds! Got it? Good! Here are the contenders! BeakerSqueedom...

PRAWNIE: (blinks) I wonder if anyone is even paying attention to me anymore? (shrug) Here's Gobo! (GOBO Fraggle comes onstage) GOBO: Oh, hiya! They’ve asked me to present the “Fraggle Freak” award to the biggest fan of Fraggle Rock. Kind of a strange award, eh? I mean, who...

PRAWNIE: Ladies and gentlemen… Big Bird! (Applause) (BIG BIRD comes onstage) BIG BIRD: Hi there, everybody! Wow! It’s so great to see everybody out there tonight to see the Muppet Central Awards! You know, every year they get me out here to present an award—and every year I stay the same...

PRAWNIE: Sheesh, could someone get Layla off the ceiling? We can't have her falling for me again. Anyway! Like the Grouch said… that was the last of our “Forum Friends and Family” awards. Now we’ll start presenting the “Muppet Appreciation” awards. Starting with our good friend… Clifford...

PRAWNIE: Not enough seats? Please! At least you guys have the FLOOR! When I go backstage they hang me on a coat rack until the next presentation! Anyway... heeeeeeeeere's Oscar! (A trash can comes sliding out to the middle of the stage) (OSCAR pops out angrily) (Applause) OSCAR: Aw, cram it...

FLOYD: (blinks at Tony and Lefty in the orchestra pit) Mmm... man, looks like we've got a slug in our midst! And Tony's here too! (laughs) (ABBY CADABBY poofs in) ABBY CADABBY: Oh! Hi there! My name is Abby—Abby Cadabby! (giggles) I just love these big parties you guys throw! I’m havin’ so...

(PRAWNIE: Ladies and gentlemen… Bobo the Bear—and I still haven’t found my award. (grumbles) (Applause) (BOBO comes onstage) BOBO: (chuckles) Hey there, how are ya? How’s it goin’? Havin’ fun? Well I don’t wanna keep you folks, so I won’t jabber on like some people have. (chuckles) I’m just...

PRAWNIE: Oh you have GOT to be kidding me! BEAU! Get back here with my--URGH! Hold on folks... I've got someone to hunt down... Here: Listen to Sam! (chases after Beau) (SAM Eagle walks onstage) SAM: (clears throat) I have refused an introduction from those… weirdoes. Do not ask me how I was...

PRAWNIE: Ladies… now’s the time to use the bathroom. Here’s Pepe! (Applause) (PEPE shimmies onstage) PEPE: Hola, hola! How jou doing tonight? Ladies? (snickers) I’m kidding, I’m kidding… D’is has to wait for de after party, hokay? Right now, Pepe is here to present de “Muffin Man or Woman”...

(The Muppet NEWSMAN runs in) NEWSMAN: This is a Muppet Newsflash! It appears that once again,GelflingWaldo has taken the award for “Muppet Newsman” in the Muppet Central Awards. This award goes out to the best reporter of Muppet news in the fan-circuit. Upon hearing this news, this reporter...

PRAWNIE: Hey, anyone want any Muppet songs? I’d like to hold the title for next year! I kid, I kid… Up next, Ernie and Bert! Or is it Bert and Ernie…? (Applause) (BERT and ERNIE come onstage) BERT: (very obviously reading off a cue card) The “Ernie and Bert, or is it Bert and Ernie?” award...

PRAWNIE: And now, to balance out the over-bearing cute factor… Please welcome Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem! (Applause) (DR. TEETH, FLOYD, JANICE, ZOOT, and ANIMAL come onstage) DR. TEETH: Greetings and salutations! We’re here to honor the greatest trader of Muppet music! ANIMAL...

PRAWNIE: Brace yourselves people… It’s Bean Bunny… (Applause) (BEAN hops onstage) BEAN: Hello there! I’m Bean Bunny, here to present the award for Cutest Member! It’s called the “Pinch Their Widdle Cheeks” award. Aww! Isn’t that great? I just love cute things, don’t you? That’s why I love...

PRAWNIE: Sheesh… how about that announcer, eh? Where’d we find him? I liked that other announcer we used to have. But that’s beside the point… up next, a self-proclaimed really cute and fuzzy monster—who looks even cuter in his tuxedo. Grover, everybody! (Applause) (Grover darts onstage)...

RIZZO: (unseen) Psst… hey! Down heah! (camera pans down) Finally! Sheesh! Not my fault I’m so small. Listen here, I’m presentin’ de award for most underrated member—dey’re callin’ it “Underneath da Radar” for some reason. I didn’t even know we had a radar, heh! D’ese members are great, but d’ey...

(UNCLE MATT wanders in, peering through binoculars—the wrong way) UNCLE MATT: I say… there’s a large crowd of silly creatures gathering way off in… THAT direction! (points ahead) How very—(pulls down binoculars) AHH! (jumps) These silly creatures are fast! I am glad you’re here, though… You...

PRAWNIE: You didn’t know you’d get to see a game show tonight, did ya? Heh. Well up next, we’ve got someone who was once considered the strangest thing on television… and then we got reality shows. Ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great! (Applause) (GONZO comes flying out on stage, as if from a...