A Story That Does Not Make Any Sense

[Yuna Leonhart]

Hello and welcome to my first Muppet fanfic. My inspiration was The Muppet Show episode with Avery Schreiber as the guest star. It takes place about a year after the newest movie, around March. Other than that, the title says it all. I hope you enjoy it.

A Story That Does Not Make Any Sense​

Chapter One

Kermit’s Plan

Ah, what a beautiful day. The Muppets were famous again, Gary and Mary recently got married, and Walter was a great new addition to The New Muppet Show. Everything was perfect, well almost. Although Kermit and Miss Piggy had reconciled, it did not mean they stopped fighting altogether. A few days ago, Kermit told her he had no time for romance. Then again, he had said that for months now. At first, Miss Piggy had understood, to everyone’s astonishment, as they had to plan their television comeback. But that was months ago. Everything went smoothly now and they even had a new assistance backstage and yet Kermit still claimed he had no time for romance. This had caused a row so huge that the Muppets feared they would disband again. Luckily, this was not the case but Piggy had pretended to be romantically interested in every male guest star who had appeared in The New Muppet Show since then. Kermit might not had responded to this, perhaps he even ignored it but one could see jealousy in his eyes and Rowlf even once claimed he saw him bumping his head against the table, to which Gonzo replied that would be a neat the thing to do and this in turn had earned him raised eyebrows from everyone else. But now it seemed that Miss Piggy and Doctor Teeth were together for real. At least that was what it looked like to everyone, although their new assistance was skeptical. And as for our favorite frog… well, let us just say he spent a few days at home with a bad headache, which he got from banging his head against everything he could until Walter stopped him from banging his head against concrete. This was when everyone knew something was seriously wrong with him and thus they sent the frog home. But now he is back and our story truly begins.

The Swedish Chef rehearsed the act for the next episode, this time preparing a German fast food dish, currywurst with French fries. But Kermit, who along with Scooter and the new assistance oversaw the rehearsal, did not pay any attention. Instead he watched Doctor Teeth and Miss Piggy conversing and thousands of possible topics they could talk about, each one making him madder than the last. In fact, steam almost rose out of his non-existent ears when he felt pain in his upper arm.
“Pay attention to him and not them”, hissed the new assistance, almost sounding like a snake. When she first joined them, she was quiet most of the time. No one even knew she was there until she said something. That had changed over time and she had begun to open up. Nevertheless, she had no qualms about hitting the Muppets, preferably with a book as a weapon. And since she did have a book with her, Kermit decided to do what she told him. Especially since that particular book looked heavy enough to knock him out for the rest of the week. He watched the Swedish Chef trying to add the curry to the sausage but the food always crawled away, like a caterpillar. It ended then with the sausage curling but into a ball and, upon uncurling, gaining a pair of wings, similar to a butterfly, and flying off.
“Yeah, you’re right, Scooter. That ending is way better than my suggestion”, said the assistance in a matter-of-factly voice.
“Thank you, Julie”, Scooter beamed. Julie was a German girl. She was in her early twenties and came to the US after her parents had much luck and won the lottery. Unlike the others, Julie was no Muppet but they had needed help around and she proved to be a great help. Her jobs varied from helping setting up the stage over giving suggestions for the sketches to simply making coffee or other drinks.
“What did you think of it, Kermit?”, Scooter asked.
“Well, it was great… I guess”, the frog mumbled the last part almost inaudibly. The two restrained a sigh and simply decided to go backstage. Kermit was simply too distracted to really care about the show and something needed to be done. But what?
Ever since Kermit saw Miss Piggy with Doctor Teeth, he could not concentrate on anything and the headache he had received from banging his head against practically everything did not help much either.
“What should I do?”, Kermit asked himself. He heard whistling and looked up to see Walter preparing his act. The newest member of the Muppets stopped whistling when he noticed he was not alone and turned to Kermit.
“Hey, Kermit, what’s wrong? Is it about Miss Piggy?”, asked Walter. Kermit just smiled sadly at this which was enough of an answer for Walter. He patted him comfortingly on the shoulder. Although he was quite new, he still proved to be a great member of the cast as well as a friend.
“Hm, I think before Mary and Gary got together, they both dated other people to make the other one jealous but I can’t remember the rest”, Walter mumbled to himself as he left but still, his boss and friend heard him. Dating someone else? Maybe that could be the solution. Maybe this could help him getting Piggy back. But who could he ask? Maybe Annie Sue? No, she and Link Hogthrob had gotten together while the Muppets were disbanded. Kermit went through every female member in his mind. No one seemed to be suitable. Then he saw Julie walking past, deep in conversation with Fozzie, although it was more of a one-sided conversation with the bear talking and the human listening. He noticed her carrying a frog plushie and he remembered she had a frog fetish. Well, when in doubt, use the quiet human with a frog fetish.

“Julie, will you go out with me?”, asked Kermit a few minutes later when he found her painting a new piece of prop by herself. The young German girl stopped painting and slowly turned around to look at him. At first, her blue-gray eyes were so large they might pop out any moment but then she narrowed them and pointed the paintbrush like a sword at him.
“Let me guess, you want to make Miss Piggy jealous”, she poked him with the paintbrush at every word, leaving an azure spot on his green body.
“How’d you know that?”
“I guessed right?”, Julie asked. Her eyes got larger, but not as large as before, and she looked genuinely surprised. She managed to scratch her chin while still holding the paintbrush as she thought about it. Her face ended up looking partly azure.
“Please, Julie! Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleeeeeeeeeaaaaaase!”, Kermit suddenly begged, grabbing her leg.
“Okay, okay, I’ll do it!”, a very horrified Julie answered. “You’re out-of-character moment is freaking me out! Besides, if I wouldn’t do it, it’d be a very short story.”
“Thank you!”, exclaimed Kermit and hugged her before leaving. He could swear he heard her saying “I’m too nice for my own good.”

“Okay, one more time”, said Floyd. On his cue, Doctor Teeth began to play the first few bars of the songs, followed by Janice. Floyd, Zoot and Lips joined together and The Electric Mayhem played a slow ballad… that is until Animal yelled “TOO SLOW!” Then the song changed into something fast paced. Miss Piggy and Scooter sat in the front row, both looking pleased with their performance. As the song ended, they all went backstage, talking about what could be changed and what could remain the way it was. It also happened to be the last rehearsal for the day, so every Muppet who was there that day was present backstage. The Swedish Chef, Gonzo, who was practicing a stunt involving a catapult, some ice cream and a rocket jet, Fozzie, whose jokes were as bad as ever, Miss Piggy, who sang a new solo, The Electric Mayhem, Rowlf, who played a new piece of music on his piano and of course Kermit, Scooter and Julie. Walter was already gone. Most of them were chatting amiably, with the exception of Kermit and Julie. The frog looked around and, seeing his friends occupied, nudged the German.
“Ready for our plan?”, he whispered so that only she could hear him. She sighed and whispered “okay”. Kermit straightened up and said, in a louder voice:
“So, Julie, ready for our date?”
It was like somebody pressed the pause button on a DVD remote. Everybody else fell silent and those who moved stopped in mid-movement. One could hear a needle drop. Slowly, one by one turned to look at the two of them.
“What?”, Julie asked as if there was nothing interesting. She offered Kermit her arm as she was taller than him and both left the theater. That was when everybody could comprehend what just happened. The chatting continued on as if somebody had pressed the play button. Words like “What?”, “How?”, “Why?” could be heard in the confusion. Miss Piggy ignored them; she took Doctor Teeth by arm and followed the two.

The pig and the band member found the other two soon enough. In fact, they were leisurely taking a walk through town. Julie was often behind Kermit as she took her time to take everything in around her. One time, Miss Piggy could swear the younger girl had spotted them. When Julie decided to stop looking around, she caught up with the frog and took his hand. She whispered something in his non-existent ear. Whatever it was, Miss Piggy’s eyes narrowed and when Doctor Teeth looked at her, he could swear her pupils took the shape of daggers. Suddenly the diva whirled around.
“You’re going to invite for dinner in Kermie’s presence as soon as possible”, she hissed vehemently.
“Whoa, calm down”, he said, taking a step back. “I’ll do it but are sure it’s going to work?”
Miss Piggy did not answer. She went home instead. Doctor Teeth shrugged and decided to head back where his band members were waiting.

“They’re gone”, Kermit observed a few minutes later. He stood still as he looked through the bustling crowd. No sight of a blonde haired pig or a green-skinned Muppet. The only green he saw was his own skin; otherwise there were only people around. Julie stood on her tiptoes as she tried to see something distinguishablethrough the pushing and shoving. They both had to push themselves against a wall as to not get carried off by the crowds.
“Did you see them?”, asked Kermit. Julie shook her head:
“No. I really think they’re gone. But I’d like to go now, if you don’t mind. I forgot my book back in the theater and I’d like to go home.”
“Sure, go ahead. See you tomorrow.”
“Goodbye”, replied Julie as she walked back to the theater. Kermit headed home, too.

The next day was a normal day in the Muppet Theater. Well, as normal as it can get. That night was the next episode of The New Muppet Show. So it was more hectic than the rest of the week. Last minute rehearsals, costume fittings and setting up the stage… oh my! Muppets tried to talk to Kermit about a few last minute changes but they were luckless. Others tried to have their act earlier in the show. Statler and Waldorf were already in the balcony. Soon Scooter announced “One hour ‘till curtain!”
As if by magic, it went quiet. The Swedish Chef went to his set; Walter decided to go to his set, too. Fozzie went over his jokes one more time and The Electric Mayhem set up their instruments. Gradually, every Muppet calmed down and went to their respective sets. Then it was time. Curtains lifted, the Muppets sang the theme song and Kermit introduced the guest star – J.K. Rowling. Swedish Chef was the first to perform with his currywurst act. The next was The Electric Mayhem.
“How’s everything going?”, Kermit asked Scooter.
“Well, the theater’s packed; everything’s going according to plan and Statler and Waldorf are heckling us as usual. Everything’s normal”, replied the go-fer. An explosion was suddenly heard. Kermit and Scooter looked at the stage to see for any damage. The Electric Mayhem stood there calmly with a cackling Crazy Harry next to them.
“Man, this was the blast”, commented Doctor Teeth. Crazy Harry let a dynamite stick explode.
“As normal as it can be”, retorted Kermit just as The Electric Mayhem passed him. “Hey, great show guys.”
“Thanks, man”, replied Floyd for all of them. A door opened and closed somewhere behind him. Everyone looked at Miss Piggy who had emerged from her dressing room but only Kermit was the one who never averted his gaze. He found himself liking her stage outfit. It was a simple leaf green cocktail dress. Her hair was down and she had a decent amount of make-up, consisting of a rosé-colored lipstick and eye shadow. But the picture was spoiled when Doctor Teeth put his arm around her:
“Dahlin’, how ‘bout dinner after the show?”
“I would love to”, replied Miss Piggy. Maybe Kermit was imagining things, but he could swear she briefly glanced in his direction. “But excusez-moi, I have to perform.”
“You’ll knock them dead!”, said Doctor Teeth encouragingly as she left for the stage. He then left, too. Now Kermit found himself suddenly alone.
“I saw that”, said a quiet voice next to him, startling him. Julie had suddenly appeared next to him.
“Saw what?”, asked Kermit, trying to decipher the unreadable expression on her face.
“The way you looked at Miss Piggy. You were lucky the others have left before it was too noticeable. Otherwise we could have kissed your plan goodbye. Be more careful next time. You want the plan to succeed, don’t you?”
“Yeah, of course.”
Julie nodded before suddenly looking in the direction of the stage:
“I think her number’s over. You better get ready to announce Walter. Poor Scooter substituted for you and I think the poor guy’s almost wetted himself.”
Miss Piggy walked past them.
“They loved moi”, she said pretentiously.
“Julie, how about dinner after the show?”, Kermit asked in the spur of the moment. Miss Piggy stopped as he watched the human letting the sudden question sink in.
“Um, sure”, she then said. Miss Piggy walked away, pretending not to care. “But go now, you have to announce Walter.”
Said Muppet arrived in his costume. He wore a black robe with a crest, consisting of a lion, a badger, an eagle and a snake. He had a fake wand in his hand and a pointy hat on his head.
“Nice costume, Walter, I love it”, said Julie. “Does it have something to do with J.K. Rowling being our guest star?”
“Thank you”, said Walter very excitedly. “It was actually the first thing I thought of when I heard she’s our guest star this week. Oh, there’s my cue.”
He went to the stage. At first, the stage was very dark but as he whistled the first note, it became gradually lighter until the stage was filled with owls, sparks, Muppets in similar costumes as him on broomsticks. A big, medieval castle served as background. Julie found herself crying. Walter whistled Hedwig’s Theme, a song that always got her emotional. She was so engrossed in his performance that she did not notice Scooter arriving.
“Everything’s alright here, Scooter?”, asked Kermit after Walter’s act had ended and he had announced Fozzie’s act.
“Yeah, except Julie having not moved since Walter started whistling”, the go-fer replied.
“You know what’s funny?”, said Kermit. “The last paragraph mainly consists of dialog and the readers have actually seen nothing of the show.”
“Now that you mention it, you’re right. I hope the next time, they will see the show.”

 

[Hubert]

Congratulations on starting your first fan fic! It was very, very good. The only minor problem I have is that I think Kermit may be a bit too jealous and him asking out Julie was kind of out of character. But other than that, I liked it! Please keep writing it.

The characters seemed to be pretty much in character, and I really like the new character, Julie. Also, JK Rowling as guest star is a pretty cool idea, to have an author as guest star.

Also, Link Hogrthrob and Annie Sue together? Hmm, I might have to incorporate that a small bit into my first fic I started writing yesterday (The Secret Life of a Background Character).

 

[Misskermie]

I agree with Hubert! Very nice! I have to say, the part that made me laugh most, was when Kermit asked Julie out, and she said,
"You want to make Miss Piggy jealous, right?"
And then Kermit says, "How did you know that?" LOL!

And in reality, Dr. Teeth and Miss Piggy are a TERRIBLE couple! OMGONZO!

But it works well with your story, pay no mind to me and my wierdness! LOL

 

[Yuna Leonhart]

I know Kermit's a little too jealous and out-of-character but I think it's because I still have to get used to writing him and blame it on me staying up half of the night the last few week to study for tests.
I'm glad you like Julie, Hubert, I hope she doesn't come off as a Mary Sue. And as for Dr. Teeth ---> I chose for no reason at all XD

And thank you both of you for your review, it makes me happy

 

[Hubert]

I know Kermit's a little too jealous and out-of-character but I think it's because I still have to get used to writing him and blame it on me staying up half of the night the last few week to study for tests.
I'm glad you like Julie, Hubert, I hope she doesn't come off as a Mary Sue. And as for Dr. Teeth ---> I chose for no reason at all XD

And thank you both of you for your review, it makes me happy

Yeah, like I said, the Kermit thing isn't really that much of a problem. I don't think Julie's coming off as a Mary Sue. The Dr. Teeth thing-I find that as a very interesting matchup, a nice twist from your normal Muppet story.

 

[Yuna Leonhart]

Glad to hear it... um, I mean, read it
Well then, on with the story:

Chapter Two

Dates Galore

The show ended in a success. Every Muppet was gathered backstage to hear the plans for the next show. The now empty theater would be awfully quiet if it were not for the chattering Muppets. Some were talking about the show, others about their plans for the week in case they have no act next time. Doctor Teeth and Miss Piggy, who were nearest to Kermit, discussed where they should have dinner. Julie watched the frog out of the corner of her eye, in case she had to prevent him from doing something stupid.
“Scooter, was Miss Rowling happy?”, he asked.
“Yeah, she was very happy. She said she particularly liked Walter’s act.”
“Hm-hm. And our finances?”
“Well…”, Scooter looked at his clipboard. “We’re doing really great. The theater was packed today. We also didn’t go over the budget this week. All in all, I would say we were successful.”
“Good. Does anybody need anything?”, Kermit asked not only Scooter but everyone else present. There was a murmur of “no’s” and “we’re fine”. At least that was taken care of.
“Scooter, can you give me the plans for next week, please?”
“Right away, boss.”
The go-fer took a sheet of paper from his clipboard and handed it to Kermit. He glanced at it before announcing:
“Okay, we will have Walter again. Rowlf will play a song on his piano. Then we have Wayne and Wanda and Fozzie is after their act. Gonzo has an act as well as Miss Piggy. The Electric Mayhem concludes the next show. Any questions? Walter?”
“Which song am I supposed to whistle?”, he asked as he let his arm sink. Kermit looked at the sheet again. But he only saw the words “Whistling Walter”. Who wrote the next week’s sheet anyway?
“Sorry, but there’s no song given. You have to think of one yourself.”
“Better practice more than one song and decide on one later”, suggested Julie.
“I guess that’s probably what I do”, said Walter.
“Are there any more questions?”, asked Kermit. When no one said anything or made a move he added: “Then we can close for the night.”
The Electric Mayhem, Scooter and Julie went to the stage to put the props away. Beauregard cleaned the stage. The Swedish Chef chased every rat away from the refrigerator before laying traps around it. Kermit took care of the paper work as everyone who had performed that day returned his costume to Hilda, except Miss Piggy. By now, everyone knew she had a date with Doctor Teeth and thus they knew she wanted to keep this dress on for the date. Sometimes, news sure traveled around fast. Then again, our favorite pig never kept things like these a secret.

Everything was put away, leaving room for Beauregard to clean up the place andd to lock up the Muppet Theater when he was finished. The other Muppets went back to the Boarding House. As soon as it was clear they got another show, they cleaned up the place and lived there together. But Miss Piggy had moved out soon after her fight with Kermit. Not to mention, there were some problems with bathroom times, who could occupy the television at what time and generally getting used to live together again. Fortunately, they slowly got used to it and actually, they felt more at home with each other than alone. Walter had moved in the Muppet Boarding House after Gary and Mary had gotten married. He currently shared his room with Fozzie. But let us go back to the story.
Doctor Teeth offered his arm like a gentlemen to Miss Piggy. She hooked her arms in his and smiled fondly at him. Smiling back at her, he led her away from the theater and all the other Muppets. Kermit had watched them all the time before looking away. He even looked a little greener than usual; must be the envy he was feeling.
“Let’s go”, he said as Julie appeared next to him. She held back a sigh and offered her arm. Kermit led her away but she turned around for a moment to wave the others goodbye.

They soon found Doctor Teeth and Miss Piggy entering a cozy little diner. The interior consisted of cushioned chairs, round tables. Paintings of food, people eating food and farm animals decorated the walls. Candles were the only source of light. The diner radiated comforting warmth but maybe it was just the fireplace. Doctor Teeth and Miss Piggy had chosen the table nearest the fireplace, while Kermit and Julie were sitting a few tables away, so that the other two had to turn around to see them. A waitress approached the former two and handed them the menu. She waited for a moment while Doctor Teeth talked to his date and she answered back, then he spoke to the waitress who left after writing something down on her notepad. A waiter appeared at Kermit and Julie’s table. He handed them the menu.
“Do you already know what to drink, Sir and Miss?”, he asked.
“I’m having peach juice”, said Julie as she looked over the menu.
“Then I’ll have apple juice”, answered Kermit. The waiter wrote the order down on his notepad.
“Your drinks will arrive momentarily”, he said as he left. Kermit looked over to Doctor Teeth and Miss Piggy who seemed to be deep in conversation. He wondered what they were talking about as they never averted their eyes from each other, not even when their drinks arrived. Only when the waitress spoke to them, they stopped looking at each other. Both ordered dinner and she left them alone. But they did not continue talking.
“Your drinks”, said the waiter and put a glass of apple juice in front of Kermit and a glass of peach juice in front of Julie. “Would you like to order dinner?”
“I’ll have the roast turkey with potato”, answered Julie. The waiter made a note.
“And you, Sir?”
“I guess I’ll have a salad”, said Kermit, who was still distracted by the other couple. Julie shook her head and gestured the waiter to come a little closer. She whispered something in his ear. He grinned wickedly and winked at her before leaving. Kermit had not noticed anything what had happened behind his back, even though it was not even behind his back. It was next to him. But he was too occupied with watching Doctor Teeth and Miss Piggy.
“I wonder if that could be classified as stalking”, commented Julie as alternatively looked at the couple and at Kermit. No answer. She shrugged and contended herself with looking at the paintings. Time passed in absolute silence. There were only a few people at the diner, all of who were eating in silence. By now, Doctor Teeth and Miss Piggy were eating quietly, too.
“Your roast turkey, Miss”, said the waiter, handing her a plate. “And your frog legs and roast pork, Sir.”
“Thank y-”, his brain registered what the waiter had said. “WHAT!?”
To the frog’s relief, it was just the salad but every patron’s eyes were on him. Julie bit her bottom lip to prevent herself from laughing out loud and even the waiter had trouble holding back a smirk. Awkward silence filled the room while Kermit was trying to pretend nothing happened. The other patrons shrugged and went back to eating, although Miss Piggy did not stop looking at him until he looked at her.
“What was that about?”, he half-whispered, half-shouted.
“Just checking if you’re aware of your surroundings”, replied a giggling a Julie as the waiter left them alone. Kermit shook his head before decided to eat his salad. His pseudo date shrugged and started eating, too. Both ate in silence, occasionally looking at Doctor Teeth and Miss Piggy until they left. After they had finished eating, Julie finishing much later than Kermit, they asked for the bill. Kermit paid the bill and he and Julie left the diner.
“You know, it was quite a nice place and the food was great. I gotta eat there some time again”, commented Julie. “Well then, see you tomorrow.”
And with that, she went home. Kermit walked to the Boarding House.

The following day found Kermit and Julie in the frog’s office to coming up with a new plan for a date. They agreed that she would invite him, in Miss Piggy’s presence, to her apartment that night for stargazing. She did so during lunch break as they walked past the diva; Kermit later swore he heard something break. So that night, Kermit knocked at Julie’s door. She let him in.
“Let’s go to the balcony, we’ll have a great view from there”, suggested Julie. Kermit nodded and they both went outside. There was nothing to sit on, so they had to stand.
“Sorry, but indoor furniture was, and still is, my top priority”, said the German girl with a sheepish smile. Unknown to them, the guy living just a floor below her walked on his own balcony, only to see a pig there.
“Go inside, you haven’t seen me”, she hissed, looking very threatening. The guy shook his head to clear his mind.
“I need to stop drinking”, he mumbled as he walked back inside.
Kermit put his arms on the railing while Julie was standing farther back. She made no move to get closer to Kermit.
“You know, it is quite nice to just watch the stars”, commented the frog, while looking at the starry night sky. Julie nodded but then she remembered that he looked in the other direction and quickly added a quiet “yeah”. Unfortunately, as if someone had something against them gazing at the stars, clouds filled the sky. Julie raised her eyebrow at the sudden appearance of the clouds. Then she went back inside. A few minutes later, she reappeared with a blanket and a thin book. She spread out the blanket and sat down. She patted the spot next to her for Kermit to sit down. After he had done so, she opened her book and let him read aloud a story about a hopping pot.

Doctor Teeth invited Miss Piggy, in Kermit’s presence, for a nice boat ride the next day. It was a nice day for it, so after they were done with the rehearsals for that day, the couple walked to the lake, with Kermit and a very reluctant Julie following them. The frog hid in a bush, being easily camouflaged due to being green. But Julie was not as fortunate; instead she had to hide behind a tree, which was right next to the bush. Only a handful of people were at the lake, either walking around or sitting at the lakeshore. There was a boat rental nearby. Doctor Teeth went there to rent one. It was a nice sturdy boat, one that could not sink very easily. He climbed into the boat and held his hand out to help Miss Piggy in. The pig sat down gracefully while her date took the oars and started rowing. It would have been a picturesque scene, if only she had a parasol with her and another green skinned Muppet would have been with her instead. Birds were singing, people were having a good time while a soft breeze caressed their faces and hair. It was a really nice spring day, simply perfect… until someone or something decided to ruin the day. Termites suddenly revealed themselves in the very same boat Doctor Teeth and Miss Piggy were in. Before any of them could say “oh heck”, the boat sunk. Both swam back to the shore and a very wet and very angry pig went home.
“But… where did those termites come from?”, muttered the confused employee of the boat rental. Julie gave Kermit a quizzical look. He responded with the same look.

On Friday, Kermit mentioned to Fozzie, while Miss Piggy was passing, that he had a plan to surprise Julie the following day. So the frog knocked at her door very early Saturday morning. A very tired and disgruntled Julie opened the door. She glared at him for waking her up so early on a Saturday. But Kermit was unfazed, or at least seemed to be.
“Hey, I thought we could drink hot chocolate and watch the sunrise together.”
“Change it to tea, I’m out of cocoa powder”, grumbled Julie as she walked to the kitchen and prepared the tea. Kermit, meanwhile, opened the balcony door and stepped outside. Unknown to him, Miss Piggy was on the balcony next, looking at him through a refracting telescope. But maybe he did know and only pretended not to. A few minutes later, Julie appeared on the balcony, with a purple mug where a white mouse and something written in German was pictured, which she handed to Kermit, and with a white mug where Mickey and Minnie Mouse were pictured. Sipping the cherry tea, they watched as the first rays of sunlight started appearing on the horizon. The sky turned into a warm orange, which gradually turned into a brilliant azure. Kermit enjoyed the view and his hot tea. But whenever he looked at his pseudo-girlfriend, she gave him a look so deadly she could be nicknamed Auntie Deadly and growled as if she had lessons from a bloodhound. Kermit made a mental note to never bother her again early on a Saturday morning.

Monday night had Doctor Teeth and Miss Piggy sitting on a hill. The night was crystal clear, with the stars sparkling like diamonds. A jealous Kermit and Julie, who wished she was at home, were on a nearby hill, spying on them with binoculars. Doctor Teeth and Miss Piggy chatted in hushed voices, the latter looking bored. Every now and then, they looked at Kermit and Julie’s general direction and the frog could swear Miss Piggy once looked at him directly. Eventually the conversation ended and the dating couple just sat there, stargazing. Minutes passed. Kermit never stopped looking at them, his partner, however, got bored and instead also looked at the stars, sometimes playing with the soft grass. Kermit’s stomach lurched when Miss Piggy took her date’s hand and snuggled closer to him. If he had not been green already, he would have a turned into an ugly bilious green. He wished he could sit on that hill with Miss Piggy. Suddenly the two Muppets stood and, from what Kermit could tell, Miss Piggy looking very grumpy. At first, Kermit was confused but when he looked at the sky, he saw only clouds.
“Déjà vu”, he thought.

The next date was Kermit and Julie having a picnic. Rehearsals had been finished earlier that day for everyone to enjoy the beautiful weather. They sat on the same hill they had occupied the night before to spy on Doctor Teeth and Miss Piggy. A simple red and white checkered blanket was spread out. Julie arranged the food, consisting mostly of sandwiches and fruit, and took out two bottles of water, one for her and one for Kermit. Said frog had his banjo with him and played some songs. The German girl hummed a little while happily munching a turkey sandwich. She may not have liked pretending to be his girlfriend, but she sure liked eating and listening to music. On another hill, she spotted two familiar figures with binoculars.
“Kermit, we’re being stalked”, she said conversationally. Kermit briefly looked up from his banjo and also spotted their stalkers. After the song ended, he took a sandwich and simply enjoyed the scenery. There was no wind. The sky had a beautiful shade of blue and the sun shone radiantly. A few fluffy white clouds hung in the sky. Julie wished she had a sketch pad and a pencil with her when she suddenly felt something crawling up her arms. Looking down, she saw countless ants crawling all over the place. With a shriek, she leaped up and shook the ants off of her arm. Kermit, who was also surprised by the appearance of countless ants, tried to save the food from them. Julie helped him after recovering from the shock. Luckily most of the food was already gone, courtesy of Julie, and thus only a little amount of sandwiches got carried off by the ants.
“That was the craziest picnic I’ve experienced in all my life”, she commented with a raised eyebrow.

Doctor Teeth and Miss Piggy were at the lake again on a fine night. Nobody else was present, except their personal stalkers hiding behind the boat rental. Doctor Teeth had started a campfire, its warm light illuminating him and Miss Piggy. Kermit thought she looked spectacular in that light, Julie thought she would rather sit by the warm fire. The Electric Mayhem band member leaned back and looked at the moon, noticing it was almost full.
“Sweetie, can you hear the crickets too?”, asked Miss Piggy a little too loudly, as if she wanted Kermit and Julie to hear her, too.
“Dahlin’, it’s too dark to play cricket”, Doctor Teeth said without looking at her. Miss Piggy glared at him but before she could do anything, it suddenly started raining cats and dogs, but not literally. Her pupils turned into daggers and she karate-chopped him past the boat rental before leaving. Doctor Teeth recovered from the attack and mumbled something about how it was her idea coming here.

The following evening found Kermit and Julie at the lake again. Kermit had rented a boat for later. The full moon had started to rise beyond the horizon. He noticed how red it was when it hung low in the sky.
“Kind of interesting, isn’t it? First it’s red, similar to a sunset, but when the moon gets higher it turns golden. When the moon his high up in the sky, it is silvery white, just like a Patronus”, commented Julie, her eyes never leaving the sky.
“What’s a Patro-thing?”, asked a confused Kermit. Miss Piggy and Doctor Teeth, who were hiding in a tree, asked themselves the same thing. Julie sighed exasperatedly and rolled her eyes.
“J.K. Rowling was our guest star recently. Don’t tell me you haven’t read her books.”
Kermit could just shake his head no.
“Poor unfortunate soul”, muttered Julie before adding, a little louder: “The book I let you read the other day was one of her books.”
Kermit nodded in understanding but decided to say nothing. Instead he opted to watch the moonrise until it was high up in the sky. When he turned around to look at Julie, he noticed she had fallen asleep. He shook her awake.
“You’re ready for a little moonlight cruise?”, he asked. She mumbled something incoherently, which he took as yes. Kermit stood up and held his hand out to help her up. She ignored his hand but Kermit still took it and led her to the boat. Like a gentleman, he helped her in the boat, much to Miss Piggy’s chagrin, before taking a seat himself. He rowed out them away from the shore until they reached the middle of the lake. Kermit noticed how Julie tiredly looked at the moon.
“You do know werewolves are out and about on nights like these, don’t you?”, she commented.
“Um…”, responded Kermit, unsure of what to say. Suddenly, he felt his feet getting wet and when he looked down, he noticed a giant leak. Julie seemed to have noticed her wet feet, too. Then again it was hard to miss this. She looked down at her feet before giving Kermit a look that clearly said “Great, now what?”. Kermit smiled sheepishly and started rowing back to the shore. The boat fully sunk about halfway and both had to swim the rest of the way.
“Now, if you excuse me, I go home before you have another brilliant idea that ends in disaster”, said an annoyed and wet Julie before she marched off. Kermit, Miss Piggy and Doctor Teeth watched her go as the boat rental employee muttered:
“Why are we lately having so many termites?”

 

[Misskermie]

Wow, there are so many thing I like about this!
I think my favorite part was when they were at the restuarant, and Kermit wasn't paying attention. LOL! If that was made into a Muppet Show episode, it would be my favorite one!

More Please!

 

[Hubert]

Yes, that was really good! Kermit was written much better, and Julie is becoming a fuller character. I thought it was great. Please keep going!

When I read, "And our finances?" I misread it as "And our fiances?" and thought 'what in the world is going on?'

 

[Yuna Leonhart]

Thank you two
And now get ready for the last chapter of A Story That Does Not Make Any Sense!

Chapter Three

A Frog And A Pig In A Broom Closet

A week had passed since the last incident. Kermit and Julie still pretended to be a couple when others were present but when they were alone, the girl always voiced her doubt. By now, every Muppet had heard of the new couple and they all responded the same way as the others.
“Well, at least it’s better than another break-up”, said Fozzie once to which everyone agreed. At least they were all together again. Perhaps everything would turn out fine in the end.
“You were all great”, told Kermit Rowlf, Miss Piggy and Janice who had just rehearsed a new Veterinarian's Hospital sketch, this time with Gonzo as patient. The four of them, along with Scooter put their things away to make room for Walter. Julie looked around to make sure no one could hear her before turning to Kermit:
“How long are we going to keep this charade up? I doubt it’s going to work.”
“As long as it takes”, the frog said. His pseudo-girlfriend sighed exasperatedly and left him alone. On her way, she passed Miss Piggy and Doctor Teeth, heading the same way she came from. She briefly looked after them before shrugging and continuing on her way.
“Julie, can I talk to you for a sec?”, Walter asked her. She nodded and waited for him to approach her.
“Are you and Kermit really together?”, he asked, looking anxious. Julie sighed before whispering her response:
“It’s just a plot to make Miss Piggy jealous.”
“So, you’re not-”
“No. Walter, I’m going to explain everything later, okay?”
He nodded and dashed off to the stage just as Rowlf, Janice and Gonzo arrived, followed by Scooter. Not feeling up for a conversation, Julie walked away from them. She met Sam The Eagle who asked her to paint the background for a duet for Wayne and Wanda.

Walter whistled his lung out to the tune of When Love Is Gone. The song made Kermit wish Miss Piggy would still be with him. If he had not made that one mistake, things would be different now. His friends might not show it but he knew they were annoyed at him for asking Julie for a date at almost every opportunity. She had started to politely refuse. Maybe he should stop doing that and think of a better plan.
“And how was it?”, Walter asked unexpectedly, pulling Kermit out of his reverie. He composed himself.
“You were really great. You sure are a great new addition.”
Walter beamed proudly and thanked him. Kermit smiled up before going to his office. Walter took the opportunity to look for Julie.
He found her painting a meadow, while talking to Gonzo. Walter decided to clear his throat so as not to startle them. The human and the whatever looked up and greeted him. Walter walked closer and sat down next to her. He looked at her expectedly.
“Oh!”, she exclaimed upon realizing what he wanted. “Of course.”
“What?”, asked Gonzo, interested.
“She promised me to tell me more of why she and Kermit are together”, Walter answered. That got Gonzo’s attention. He moved closer and listened intently. Julie opened her mouth but before she could manage to even say one word, Gonzo interrupted her:
“Everybody should hear that, too.”
“Yes, but not everyone is here”, Walter responded. Julie took a deep breath and said:
“How about we all meet at my place on Sunday, with the exception of Kermit and Miss Piggy? You can tell me everything and I tell you everything.”

Sunday came and a bunch of Muppets rang the doorbell of Julie’s apartment. The still tired girl opened the door and her eyes nearly popped out at the sight of the Muppets.
“Hi”, Fozzie said. His friend raised her hand in greeting before slowly stepping aside to let her guests in. Her guests consisted of Fozzie, Gonzo, Rizzo, Bunsen Honeydew, Beaker, Walter, The Electric Mayhem, Camilla, Scooter, Rowlf – Julie looked at him uneasily – , the Swedish Chef, Sam The Eagle, Robin, Lew Zealand, Crazy Harry, Beauregard and Uncle Deadly. All of the Muppets stood huddled together in the hall, almost standing on each others toes.
“Sorry, the others don’t have time”, Fozzie said. A surprised Julie nodded and showed them the way to the living room where everyone either took a seat on the couch, settee or floor.
“Oh dear, I don’t have enough cups and mugs to offer you guys tea”, she said, looking unsurely around. “But I have something else to offer.”
She briefly left and returned a while later, carrying a baking pan. She put the baking pan, the cakes were already in slices, on the coffee table before sitting on the floor herself.
“Help yourselves, I made it myself”, she offered. There was a rustle when everyone got up to get a slice. It was a simple vanilla cake with chocolate chips and topped with icing, which had a slight taste of lemon, and sugar sprinkles. Julie took one herself and ate slowly, watching the others eating theirs. Rizzo was the first to finish and immediately took another one.
“Hey, this tastes great”, said Scooter. “I didn’t know you could bake so well.”
There was a murmur of agreement among the Muppets, which made Julie proudly beaming… perhaps a little smugly, too.
“Yes, but a little too sweet”, criticized Sam. Julie just shrugged in response before leaning forward and looking at her friends and colleagues intently.
“Okay, tell me everything you know.”
All at once, every single Muppet started talking. Everyone had something different to say so that she had no idea where to listen to. She tried in vain to quiet them down.
“This reminds of school”, she thought, rubbing her temple. Suddenly an explosion was heard and everything quieted down, except for a maniacal laughter.
“If you had appeared in the second chapter several times, I would say we have a running gag here but thank you, Harry”, said Julie, looking at the now soot-covered Muppet. Then she spoke to every present Muppet:
“Please, one at a time. Hm… Fozzie, you start.”
“So, it was like this. Kermit and Piggy decided to not have a relationship until everything has calmed down”, the bear started. “Y’know, we have just gotten together again.”
“Yeah, and we got a new show”, Gonzo interrupted, jumping in front of Fozzie.
“A’d w’h’red ‘ou t’ ‘el’us’out”, Rizzo said, his mouth stuffed with cake. Uncle Deadly and Sam looked disgusted at his lack of manner.
“Take another bite, I can’t understand you”, said Julie dryly. Rizzo swallowed the cake and repeated his statement:
“And we hired you to help us out. We needed all the help we can get.”
Julie nodded in indication she still remembers. Walter raised his hand and added:
“We overheard Kermit and Piggy fighting one day, it happened after you’ve gone home.”
“Before their fight, we, like, thought they would get together fer sure”, Janice added.
“Yeah but their fight even drowned out Animal’s drumming”, Floyd said. That made Animal running around wildly, all the while chanting:
“DRUMMING! DRUMMING!”
“Animal! Sit!”, Floyd commanded. Animal quieted down.
“And what happened then?”, Julie asked.
“Miss Piggy asked me to pretend to be her boyfriend to make Kermit jealous”, Doctor Teeth stated. There was a collective silence as everyone turned to look at him.
“So, it’s all not for real?”, Rowlf asked. The green-skinned Muppet nodded in affirmation. But before anyone had the chance to say something, he turned his attention to the only present human:
“But, are you and Kermit really going out?”
“For the same reason you go out with Miss Piggy”, she replied, smiling uncertainly at him. She pretty much got the reaction from the others as Doctor Teeth.
“Um, anyone got a suggestion what we could do?”, she asked, blushing profusely as everyone looked at her.
“I’m working on an invention that makes people fall in love with each other. We could use it.”
“Mee, meep, mee, moo.”
“We could use a fish boomerang.”
“Lock them in a broom closet?”
“Kook a fin dünnär?”
“Bawk, bawk, bawk.”
“We tell them what they are doing is absolutely childish.”
“Let them talk about their problems.”
“It’s like a bomb has gone off”, muttered Julie as her friends talked all at once.
“Did anyone say bomb!?”
This got everyone’s attention. They cried “No!” but it was too late. Crazy Harry pulled out a bomb which exploded seconds later. At least it was silent now.
“I’m for Beauregard’s suggestion”, Julie voted.
“Which one was that?”, asked Uncle Deadly.
“The one with the broom closet.”

Monday came and the Muppet Theater bustled with activity. Their last show was a success, so of course they want to repeat that. Julie was talking with Fozzie and Gonzo about something. She smiled sheepishly about something but they simply shrugged before heading to the stage. Rowlf practiced his new poem, which was about the seasons, with Kermit supervising. They had decided to rehearse only the winter part first. Behind Rowlf, Fozzie and Gonzo had a snow ball fight with fake snow, occasionally hitting the dog while Annie Sue and Link were ice-skating. Once or twice, the Ghost of Christmas Past flew through the scene. All of them made noises that drowned Rowlf’s poem so that he had to scream every word. Then a snowstorm started and the only thing one could hear was the howling wind. When the storm disappeared, the stage was empty.
“That was great, everyone”, Kermit praised. Annie Sue and Link beamed in response. The other three, however, looked over to Julie who nodded at them.
“You sure, Kermit? I think we need more people for the snowball fight”, Fozzie suggested.
“Yeah, and real snow!”, Gonzo threw in.
“I’ll think about it. What do you think, Julie?”, Kermit asked. To avoid answering at once, she took of her glasses and cleaned them. The moment she started to say something, Fozzie, Gonzo and Rowlf took the mallets, which were conveniently leaning against the wall, and knocked Kermit on the head. He was unconscious as soon as he hit the floor.
“I hope he can forgive us”, Rowlf voiced his concern as Sweetums and Scooter appeared. The large Muppet took Kermit under the go-fer’s instructions and carried him off to the closet.

In another room, The Electric Mayhem had decided to take a break from practicing. They had practiced since they arrived that morning and now it was lunch time. Besides, Floyd needed to take Animal out for a walk; otherwise he would run around the theater wildly.
“WALK-ING! WALK-ING!”
Doctor Teeth looked over to Scooter. The go-fer gave him the signal and the green-skinned Muppet walked over to Miss Piggy.
“Piggy, dahlin’, how about we both go out for dinner tonight?”
As he distracted her, Zoot looked over to Janice:
“You ready?”
“Fer sure.”
Zoot, Lips and Janice each took a baseball bat, which they had hidden under Doctor Teeth’s keyboard. The three band members sneaked behind the diva and hit her on the head. She lost her consciousness immediately. The two bats suddenly sprouted wings and took off.
“Thanks for your help”, Lips quietly said.
“Anytime”, one of the baseball bat bats said. Sweetums appeared after the baseball bat bats flew away. Just like he did with Kermit, he picked up the pig and carried her of to the same closet. In front of the closet were Fozzie, Gonzo, Rowlf, Robin, Walter, Annie Sue, Link, Julie and Scooter.
“So, what to we do now?”, asked Walter.
“Standing here and making sure to call the ambulance or arranging a funeral”, said Julie. “Depending on the outcome.”

Darkness surrounded her. The last thing she could remember was pretending to be interested in what Doctor Teeth had to say before feeling immense pain in the back of her head. Then everything went dark. But it was still dark, even though she was wide awake. Miss Piggy rubbed her head as she wondered who might have done that. She thought only one person could do this: Julie. First she stole her her frog. She probably wanted to take over the diva’s parts in the show, too. After all, it was always the quiet ones and Miss Piggy would surely not give up without a fight. A groan distracted her. She looked around; her eyes were now used to the darkness and saw a familiar shape in a corner.
“What happened?”, a very familiar voice asked. Miss Piggy froze. Why was he here?
“Kermie?”, she said. As she realized she used her nickname for him and even said it in an affectionate way, she wanted to hit herself. He was supposed to think she wanted to have nothing to do with him. Hopefully he had not noticed.
“Miss Piggy? What are you doing here?”
“I could ask vous the same.”
“The last thing I remember is talking to Julie, and then everything went black.”
Rage surged through the diva’s body. Of course it was her again. For days, it had always been her, since he got together with her. Miss Piggy scoffed.
“What a great girlfriend vous have. Someone who would lock vous up.”
“Oh yeah, and what were you doing before you ended up here?”
Miss Piggy stepped back a few paces until her back hit something and the small room was lit.
“What are we doing in the broom closet? And why is there even a light in here?”, she wondered.
“The writer doesn’t want us to remain in the dark for too long”, Kermit shrugged. “But don’t avoid my question!”
“If you have to know, I was talking with Doctor Teeth!”, shouted Miss Piggy in response.

Outside, Annie Sue announced:
“They’re awake!”
That got all of the Muppets who were in the theater that day and a human together in front of the closet.

“Well, he’s not a great boyfriend if he lets you get locked up!”
“At least he loves moi and holds interesting conversations! Julie can’t even say more than two words at once!”
“For your information, we hold very interesting conversations together!”
“Ha, more of a one-sided conversation!”
“And what about Doctor Teeth? Does he talk about other things than music?”
“Oui, he does. In fact, he has a great sense for fashion.”
“Funny, I thought you hated his fashion sense!”
“Then vous don’t know moi well!”
Miss Piggy crossed her arms and turned her back to Kermit. With every word he spoke, he came closer and closer until they were only arm’s length apart.
“And how well do you know him? How well does he know you? Do you really love him?”
In one swift movement, Miss Piggy turned around and karate-chopped him.
“I’m only together with him to make you jealous!”, she exclaimed as he flew against the wall of the closet. As he recovered himself, he could hear her sniffing. He knew he had to tell her the truth:
“You know, Julie is not really an interesting person to talk to.”
He slowly walked closer to her. His eyes never left her face which was streaked by a single teardrop.
“She rarely talks and if she does, it’s nothing to start a conversation with. Sometimes she says things I don’t even get half of it.”
He was now close enough to take her in his arms. He wiped away the single tear.
“I don’t even love her. She doesn’t even love me. She only agreed to do that because she’s too nice for her own good.”
“To do what?”, Miss Piggy asked, silently berating herself for sound so nervous.
“To make you jealous.”
Now both knew they were trying to make the other one jealous.
“But why did you say you don’t to be with me?”, the confused pig asked.
“Because my surprise for you was not done yet but I finished it last Sunday”, he moved closer to her,
“Surprise?”, she also moved closer.
“Yeah…”, he moved even closer and their lips met. All their bottled up feeling were in that kiss. They held onto each other tightly, afraid of letting go.

On the outside, the others could only hear noises. The Muppets looked concerned at each other.
“Maybe we should check on them”, suggested Robin, who was worried the most.
“Wait”, said Julie quietly. She listened intently and suddenly blushed. “I think we better leave them alone. Give them some privacy.”
“Why?”, asked Walter. But she did not answer; instead she walked away as fast as she could without running. Comprehension dawned on the adult Muppets’ faces and Walter, Rowlf, Fozzie and Gonzo decided to invite Robin for some ice cream.

A few hours later when everybody was at the Boarding House, Beauregard unlocked the broom closet. He was surprised to see Kermit and Miss Piggy huddled cozily together and even more surprised that the latter’s hair was tussled. As they noticed him, they rushed past him and left him alone. Beauregard shook his head.
“This story really doesn’t make any sense.”

The End

 

[Hubert]

Good story, I liked it. The only thing I didn't care for was that the Muppets made Kermit and Piggy unconscious to get them to the broom closet, but I think it worked well in this story. Hope to see more stories by you! Great job!