The Full Ride Script
I decided to redo my original ride though description to incorporate the things I forgot and the suggestions made by Fluffets.
You start out in the, hopefully, fan-packed queue that is designed in the style of the Muppet Labs set from the show. Odd machines sit haphazardly placed all over the place, occasionally letting off sparks, small plumes of smoke or making strange and funny noises.
You board the ride vehicle, a eight-seated silver thing that looks like a golf cart with no roof with the words 'Muppet Labs Experimental Transport' on the side, and are sent forward through a set of metal doors into a small room with a large screen seated right in front of you. A hole opens in the floor on your left and up comes Doctor Bunsen Honeydew, looking over a clipboard and facing the wrong way. He mutters something that sounds like 'get it right this time' before noticing that you're there. He suddenly turns around and begins to speak:
"Oh! Hello, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today. We are so glad to have you with us here today to test the new and improved Muppet Labs Virtual Roller Coaster. Now, normally I would leave something like this to my assistant, Beaker, but he had a little accident testing my last invention The Muppet Labs Bread Detecting Toaster."
A door opens behind Dr. Honeydew and Beaker rolls out in a wheelchair and sporting a hip and trendy full body cast. We hear his muffled meeping as he tries to warn us not to partake in the experiment. Dr. Honeydew speaks again:
"There, there, Beaker. I can assure you that these brave folks will be perfectly safe. I've worked out all the bugs since last time."
Suddenly a monstrous Muppet bug appears on the screen.
"Well, almost all of them."
A lever rises out of the floor next to Dr. Honeydew. He pulls it a a giant flyswatter appears on the screen and swats the bug into submission.
"Now that that's out of the way, it's time to begin."
Bunsen pulls the lever again and red lights start flashing, a siren begins to wail and the screen is lit up with a message:
Malfunction!
Panic!
NOW!
Everything goes black except for the screen, through the darkness you hear Dr. Honeydew:
"Oh, dear! Don't worry! Every thing's fine! Just stay seated and I'll have it fixed in a jiffy."
There comes the sound of breaking glass as the screen suddenly splits apart! You begin to move forward into complete darkness at a crawl.
You hear chuckling and a spotlight ignites revealing Statler and Waldorf in the balcony a little ways off in the distance. They speak:
'Hey, Statler!'
'Hmm.'
'Here comes some more people.'
'You'd think after a while they'd get tired of playing guinea pig.'
'I'd say that most of them are almost as dumb as that bear.'
They chuckle to themselves and just before you turn the corner the Bug in the System appears behind them.
You begin to speed up, and just when you think that you're going to go under them you make a left turn and are catapulted into the world of 'The Muppet Show'!
You are seated at the back of The Muppet Theater. On stage sits the famous 'The Muppet Show' sign. Kermit pops out of the O and says:
'It's the 'Muppet Show Ride' with our special guests, all of you!'
The sign begins to rise as the eats begin to part and you roll forward again into an elaborate recreation of the show's opening. The flyswatter can be seen carried by a pig on your right, while the Bug in the System can be seen trying to beak out of line on your left.
The next thing you see is Kermit and Scooter at the desk, looking over tonight's show schedule. The flyswatter is sitting on the desk and the Bug in the System hides from Kermit and Scooter in front of the desk.
'Okay, Scooter, what's on next?'
'Rowlf's doing a Beethoven number and then Gonzo's launching himself out of a cannon.'
'Again? He did that last week!'
You pass them and see Rowlf at his piano.
Then you find, just as they said, Gonzo loaded into a cannon AND THE FUSE IS LIT! Gonzo shouts a warning:
'Look out!'
The cannon goes off sending Gonzo flying over your head and through a brick wall.
You next find yourself in the middle of an Electric Mayhem number.
Next you enter a city street and find yourself driving next to a renegade monkey who is being chased by Fozzie as 'Bear on Patrol'. Fozzie speaks over a loudspeaker:
'You have five seconds to pull over or I will be authorised to use force! One! Two! Three!'
Fozzie's count is cut short by a banana peel the monkey tosses into the road. He spins out into a building. Fozzie is unharmed, but the Bug in the System crawls out from behind the car, knocked for a loop.
Next you enter The Swedish Chef's kitchen. It has been overrun with rats and he's going after them with a shotgun! Bullets whiz past your head as you ride past!
Another musical number is next. A group of pigs sing an excerpt of 'There's No Business Like Show Business'. The Bug in the System is stuck in a chorus line with the flyswatter mere inches in front of him.
Next you enter 'Veterinarian's Hospital' Doctor Bob, Nurse Piggy and Nurse Janice make a few wisecracks about their patient. The Bug in the System stands on the lamp, triumphantly waving the flyswatter about.
Dr. Bob: 'Where's our next patient?'
Nurse Janice: 'Right here Dr. Bob.'
Dr. Bob pulls down the sheet revealing Donald Duck!
Donald: 'What the heck is goin' on here?'
Dr. Bob: 'What did he say?'
Nurse Piggy: 'I have no idea, Dr. Bob.'
Donald: 'I said 'What the heck is goin' on here?''
Nurse Piggy: 'I still can't understand him.'
Dr. Bob: 'Neither can I. Hey, maybe that's his problem!'
Nurse Janice: 'What?'
Dr. Bob: 'He's had a Mick-understanding.'
Nurse Piggy: 'That joke doesn't really work in this situation, Dr. Bob.'
Dr. Bob: 'In that case, I suggest that this duck has some cheese!'
Nurses: 'Why?'
Dr. Bob: 'Because quackers are always better with cheese!'
You speed up a little and enter another musical number. A group of monsters re-enact the Pirates of the Caribbean and sing "Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life for Me)."
"And now it's time for PIGS IN SPACE!"
You board the Swinetrek, where there is something big going on. The sirens are going off and the warning lights are flashing.
Piggy: 'What's going on?'
Dr. Strangepork: 'We're under attack!'
Link: 'By who? Is it them?'
Dr. Strangepork: 'No, worse, it's...'
Before Dr. Strangepork can finish his sentence the Bug in the System appears in the window and everything goes black.
You hear Dr. Honeydew speak again:
"Hello? Can you hear me? I'm now going to attempt to bring you back to reality."
There is a loud clunk followed by crackling electricity.
"That's not it."
The sirens go off again and out of the darkness comes the Bug in the System, at least three times as large as it was through the rest of the ride. It takes a couple of swings at you with its newly acquired weapon and misses. Zoom off to the side of the Bug in the System and find yourself back at the screen only this time you're on the other side. The screen breaks open again and you are safe and sound back in the room where you started. Bunsen is draped in yards of sparking wires.
"I'm glad that you all made it back. I promise I'll have all of the bugs out of it by the time the next group arrives."
You go back out through the doors and into the unloading area