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Why has it been so long? Because, as sometimes happens, I discovered I had enough material to keep going until I had a full episode.
For those of you who aren't familiar with Mr. Redbone, he's an eclectic, old-fashioned performer with a down-to-earth/oddball sense of humor, a style of singing and arranging that makes you swear you were listening to an old record, a panama hat, sunglasses and a soul patch. You can find more here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leon_Redbone
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Leon Redbone!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: LEON REDBONE
STYLE: LATE THIRD SEASON (circa Elke Sommer)
COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks on the door and enters.
Scooter: "Leon Redbone! 20 seconds to curtain Mr. Redbone!"
(Leon is sitting at a typewriter, typing. He finishes the page and hands it to Scooter.)
Scooter (reading off page): "Uh, 'Thank you, Scooter'."
(Leon types some more, and once again hands the page to Scooter.)
Scooter (reading off page): "Uh, 'Watch out for that light'. What light?"
(Leon types some more. He finishes the page and is just turning around to hand it to Scooter when an overhead light fixture falls and lands on Scooter. Scooter gets up, woozy, and Leon hands him the typed page.)
Scooter (reading off page): "'That one'."
(Leon grins at the camera.)
OPENING THEME:
S & W: (They turn to leave. Luncheon Counter Monster pops up behind them with a club.)
LCM: "Now you wouldn't leave before we got things started, would you?"
GONZO: a kite with a key dangling from it comes out of Gonzo's trumpet.
Gonzo: "What's the key for?"
(Lightning flashes. Gonzo gets a shock.)
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: "Thank you! Thank you! And welcome again to The Muppet Show, where what goes up need not necessarily come back down again. Our guest star tonight wears many hats as an entertainer: singer, composer, instrumentalist and keeper of great old songs. He's one of the most talented people in the business, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Leon Redbone!"
OPENING NUMBER: "Pretty Baby" - open on Leon sitting cross-legged, with his a banjo on his knee, in a dark space.
Leon: "On accompaniment, Bobby Benson's Baby Band."
He indicates as the lights come up, revealing the bandstand with Bobby at the baton. Leon plucks out the first bar and nods the band in. He sings:
"You ask me why I’m always teasing you
You hate to have my call you pretty baby"
(Miss Piggy enters, done up like Shirley Temple.)
"I really thought that I was pleasing you
‘Cause you’re just a baby to me"
(She leans over backward, showing off her baby blues.)
"Your cunning little dimples and your baby stare
Your baby talk and baby walk and curly hair
Your baby smile makes life worthwhile
You’re just as sweet as you can be"
Piggy: "Oh, I know."
Leon:
"Everybody loves a baby that’s why I’m in love with you
Pretty baby, pretty baby
And I’d like to be your sister, brother, dad, and mother too
Pretty baby, pretty baby
Won’t you come and let me rock you in my cradle of love
We’ll cuddle all the time
Oh I want a lovin’ baby and it might as well be you
Pretty baby of mine"
(Musical interlude. Piggy tap dances across the stage, with some intercut shots of her little girl tap shoes.)
Piggy: "Oh, they're adorable, Bobby."
Bobby: "That's my baby."
(The baby with the guitar starts chewing on her curls.)
Piggy: "Hey, watch it, ya little brat!"
(She breaks free. The baby with the rattle maracas sneaks up and taps Piggy on the head.)
Piggy: "Hey, I'll COME UP THERE! Errgh..."
Leon:
"Your mother says you were the cutest kid
No wonder, dearie, that I’m wild about you
(During the following, the same kid with the rattles clocks Miss Piggy, and giggles about it.)
Leon:
"And all the cunning things you said and did
Why, I love to fondly recall"
(She runs up there, screaming. She karate chops her way through the babies...)
Leon:
"And just like Peter Pan, it seems you’ll always be
The same sweet, cunning, little baby dear to me
And that is why, I’m sure that I
Will always love you best of all
(...Until they gang up on her, leaving her drowning in a sea of them.)
Leon:
"Everybody loves a baby that’s why I’m in love with you
Pretty baby, pretty baby
And I’d like to be your sister, brother, dad, and mother too
Pretty baby, pretty baby
Won’t you come and let me rock you in my cradle of love
And we’ll cuddle all the time
Oh I want a lovin’ baby and it might as well be you
(REVEAL Miss Piggy staggering up, bound and gagged with a giant bow.)
Leon:
"Pretty baby of mine
Pretty baby of mine"
(Leon smiles and nods, taking a sip of water. In the background, the babies continue to take shots at Piggy, who struggles, unnoticed.)
Bobby: "That's my baby! That's my baby."
Statler: "Poor Leon Redbone. He can't be having any fun, performing with those babies."
Waldorf: "I don't know. You could say he's had a bawl!"
S & W: "Oh ha ha ha ha!"
Statler: "Bawl!"
Waldorf: "Bawl!"
S & W (mock cries): "Bawwwwwl! Bawl! Heh heh heh heh!"
BACKSTAGE: Bobby and the babies enter from the stage.
Kermit: "Nice number, babies, good number."
Bobby: "That's my baby! That's my baby."
(Miss Piggy enters, enraged but still tied up.)
Kermit: "Um, uh, uh, Beauregard!"
(Bo enters.)
Kermit: "Beauregard, will you help Miss Piggy out of this, um -- this thing here?"
(Bo starts to untie her.)
Kermit: "Uh, wait a second. Bo? Do it somewhere else."
(He pushes her away, still tied up. A bespectacled young man in a suit approaches Kermit.)
Man (Lembeck): "Mr. Frog?"
Kermit: "Yes?"
Lembeck: "Mr. Frog, my name is Irving Lembeck. I'm with the insurance agency of Juhl, Grade, and Lazer. I've come to discuss writing the policy for your show."
Kermit: "Oh, we don't need any insurance, thank you."
(Kermit turns away.)
Lembeck: "Yes you do, actually."
Kermit: "No, I mean we're covered through the same policy that covers the theater, so we're all set."
Lembeck: "Not anymore, you're not."
(Kermit turns around.)
Lembeck: "I can see that you're busy, Mr. Frog, so I'll just leave my card and come back at a more convenient time."
(Turns to leave.)
Kermit: "No, wait. What was that you were just saying about 'not anymore'?"
Lembeck: "Well, the building policy you mentioned is held by a Mr. J.P. Grosse, the man who owns the theater."
Kermit: "Right."
Lembeck: "Well, sir, I just came from his office..."
Kermit: "And?"
Lembeck: "-- You're on your own."
(Kermit grimaces.)
Lembeck: "Mr. Grosse specifically stated that he will no longer pick up the slack and demands that you get your own policy for contents and liability -- ESPECIALLY liability."
Kermit (frowns): "Yeah. Well, uh, look, why don't we make an appointment for another day, like New Year's?"
Lembeck: "Sorry, I have to get this in ASAP."
Kermit: "ASAP?"
Lembeck: "Means 'as soon as possible'."
Kermit: "I know, I know. Uh, I have to introduce the next act, and then we'll go over everything."
Lembeck: "Good."
Kermit (into intercom): "Swedish Chef is on next! Swedish Chef on stage, please!"
Lembeck: "Now I'll need a statement of value for all of the show's property, and a report of any claims."
Kermit (stammers): "Claims?"
Lembeck: "Yes, claims. Any property damage or serious injury affects your rates. Uh, what's this next act coming up?"
Kermit: "... Oh, nothing of interest. GULP!"
SWEDISH CHEF: the Chef does his opening theme while an octopus sits on his table.
Chef: "Cunger shper dee ver dee ooctupuus!"
(The octopus nods. The Chef grabs one of the octopus's legs.)
Chef: "Ummer dee hoor, de wiggly squiggly."
(The Chef raises his cleaver, humming. The octopus, terrified, bolts from the table. The Chef gives chase around the table, hollering. He finally backs the octopus into a corner.)
Chef: "Aha!" (says something self-satisfied)
(The Octopus eyes the knife rack and reaches for it.)
Chef: "Oo noo! Noo noo noo!"
(The Octopus wields a bounty of knives. The Chef shudders.)
Chef: "Uu, ahhh..."
(He strengthens his resolve.)
Chef: "Ooctupuus, coom ber de beesh ke voor, OON GOORD!"
(He wields his cleaver and starts fencing with the octopus. They fight back and forth. The Chef knocks a butter knife from the Octopus's tentacle. The Octopus takes the same tentacle and swings it around to the Chef's neck, pinning him back.)
Chef: "Agh!"
WINGS: Kermit & Lembeck watch as the fighting continues. Lembeck is aghast.
Lembeck: "A knife fight on a public stage, Mr. Frog?"
Kermit: "Well, actually it looks more like a sword fight."
(Kermit continues to watch them intently, ignoring Lembeck.)
Lembeck: "But are they trained in fencing? What if one of them gets hurt? What if one of those knives goes flying and winds up sticking someone in the audience? What if a child in the audience sees this kitchen knife fight and tries to imitate it at home? What are you going to do then?"
Kermit: "Get out of the way!"
(Kermit runs backstage. Lembeck turns in his direction.)
Lembeck: "Get out of the way? If there's legal action, you'll hardly be able to get out of -- AH!"
(He turns just in time to duck from a deadly stroke by the Chef and Octopus, who continue to work their way backstage.)
BACKSTAGE: Kermit and Lembeck watch them as they go.
Lembeck: "I'm afraid this will lead to an increase."
Piggy (O.S.): "KERMIT!"
Kermit: "Uh-oh. Here comes another one."
(Piggy enters, in Swinetrek uniform.)
Piggy: "Kermit, that opening number was a cheap shot! What do you have to say for yourself?"
Kermit: "Oh, I know, Piggy. I'm sorry that the babies got out of hand. Will you accept my apology?"
Piggy: "HI-YAH!"
(She karate chops him.)
Piggy: "Apology accepted."
Lembeck: "Ah, this won't do, Mr. Frog. Having a wild boar running loose in the theater."
Piggy: "WHAT?"
Lembeck: "I realize that you've had its tusks removed, but that's no excuse."
Piggy: "Oh, yeah? TUSK THIS! HI-YAH!"
(Piggy karate chops Lembeck, and storms off toward the stage.)
Kermit: "Mr. Lembeck, I'm terribly sorry about --"
(Lembeck faints.)
Kermit: "Well, at least he won't report it."
DISSOLVE TO:
PIGS IN SPACE: the Swinetrek crawls through the stars.
Announcer: "And now, PIIIIIIGS IIIIINNN SPAAAAAACE! When we last left the Swinetrek, it was approaching a field of Infanta Beams."
Link: "Dr. Strangepork, is there any way we can protect ourselves against the Infanta Beams?"
Strangepork: "Sorry, Captain, but there's no known course of action for guarding against Infanta Beams. But fear not, I will reset our course and steer us around them."
Link: "Oh, what a relief."
Piggy: "Doctor, what are the effects of Infanta Beams?"
Strangepork: "Well, Infanta Beams cause their victims to age backwards. Sigh, I must admit, I wouldn't mind a temporary respite back to my younger days."
Link: "Certainly First Mate Piggy could use it to stop lying about her age."
(Link & Strangepork chuckle.)
Piggy: "Are vous saying that moi is over the hill?"
Link: "Oh, of course not, First Mate Piggy."
Piggy: "All right."
Link: "How old are you, anyway?"
Piggy: "Well, old enough to know better, AND YOUNG ENOUGH TO KNOCK A FEW HEADS TOGETHER!"
Link: "Ah, I see. But you ARE old enough to know better."
Piggy: "Will you shut up?"
Link: "Don't tell me to shut up."
Piggy: "I suppose mon capitain will tell us how old vous are, hmm?"
Link: "Me? Why, uh, (clears throat), just your regular old, average (covers mouth and mumbles)."
Piggy: "Oh, I don't think I heard you. Would you repeat that?"
Link: "Now, don't be petty, First Mate Piggy."
Piggy: "Oh, what's the matter? Afraid of letting the gray show under that bleached blond hair?"
Link: "No more afraid than you are."
Piggy: "WHAT? Strangepork, did you hear what he --"
(The ship passes through the beams. Strangepork is turned into a boisterous toddler.)
Link: "Agh! Strangepork! Look at you!"
Strangepork: "Whee!"
(He starts running around.)
Link: "Oh no! We'd better catch him!"
(They try to surround him, he slips through them. Link runs after him... and turns into a baby himself.)
Piggy: "Oh no!"
(She hops on the intercom.)
Piggy: "First Mate Piggy to crew! First Mate Piggy to --"
(She hears crying and gurgling on the other end.)
Piggy: "Oh, good grief."
(She's transformed into a baby.)
Piggy: "How are we going to fly a spacecraft when we can't reach the controls?"
Link: "Cry until our mommies come to help us?"
Announcer: "Tune in again next time, for PIIIIIIGS IIIIINNN DIAPERRRRS!"
(A baby bottle trails the ship as it exits the frame.)
DISSOLVE TO:
SONG: "Ghost of the St. Louis Blues"- open on Leon's hand strumming the guitar. He sits in the living room of an old house, lit an eerie blue (a la "Comedy Tonight", Joel Grey ep.) Cross-fade with the ghost floating every which way.
Reveal Big Mama on cello behind Leon, DogLion on string bass. Upstairs are three open doorways, and in them are Luncheon Counter Monster (on viola), Behemoth (on violin) and Gorgon Heap (also on violin). Heaps skitter along the rail and bannister. Snerfs pop in and out of crevices.
"There’s a creepy melody
Like a fiend, it keeps haunting me
All night long it rambles on through my brain
Till I’m near insane
It’s the most peculiar tune
Like some old colored mammy’s room
I can’t seem to leave behind that haunting refrain
It’s the ghost of the St. Louis blues
Oh it follows me around like a thief in the dark
Hark, hear it now!
It’s the ghost of the St. Louis blues
Lord, that haunting strain is just like a piece of bad news
When midnight shadows creep
I hear the ghostly music moan
It means the end of sleep
To hear a thousand saxophones
Sob and groan
I hate to see that evenin’ sun go down
I hate to see that evenin’ sun go down
For that gal I love, she done left this town
Hence the tune that I never can lose
Oh it’s everywhere, the ghost of the St. Louis Blues
Oh, Lord!"
(APPLAUSE. LCM eats his viola.)
UK SPOT: "The Whistling Colonel"- Nigel, in marching band regalia, conducts a Dixieland band (who enter one and two at a time on their instrument cue) playing Leon's original instrumental piece.
BACKSTAGE: Kermit peruses the running order while Bo mops in the background. Lembeck enters.
Lembeck: "Mr. Frog!"
Kermit: "Oh good grief. What is it now, Mr. Lembeck?"
Lembeck: "Mr. Frog, I want to talk to you about some of the safety hazards in your theater."
Kermit: "Hazards?"
Lembeck: "Yes, hazards: situations or things that can cause perils to occur, perils being causes of damage or injury. I've made a list of the hazards I've counted just since I've been here."
(He holds up a clipboard. Luncheon Counter Monster struts up, takes the clipboard, and eats it. Lembeck watches, incredulous, as LCM exits.)
Lembeck: "Well, it really doesn't matter. All one has to do is look around to see hazards in this place."
Floyd (O.S.): "Look out!"
(Animal, on his leash, drags Floyd behind him. Floyd manages to stop him.)
Kermit: "He's been eating chili peppers again?"
Floyd: "Pickled chili peppers. WHOA!"
(Animal drags him away.)
Lembeck: "See? There's a hazard right there."
(The Swedish Chef and the Octopus enter, still fencing.)
Lembeck: "That's another hazard, there."
(Animal and Floyd make another pass, followed by Luncheon Counter Monster chasing Mary Louise, shaking seasoning on her.)
Lembeck: "Another one there..."
Kermit: "Stilt walkers on stage please!"
(Stilt walkers enter.)
Lembeck: "That's another one..."
(Lew Zealand enters.)
Lew: "Hey Kermit! Can me and my boomerang fish be on the show tonight?"
Kermit: "Not on the show or in the backstage."
Lembeck: "Boomerang fish?"
Lew: "Yeah! You see, I throw the fish away --"
Lembeck: "Wait, it's coming back to me."
(The fish hits him.)
Lembeck: "That's another hazard."
(An alligator mosies through. Crazy Harry enters with dynamite plunger. Lembeck is looking in all directions.)
Lembeck: "Another one... Another one... Another one!"
(The stilt walkers stumble, falling onto the Chef and Octopus. A fish hits LCM, causing him to fall. Lembeck screams. Crazy Harry sets off an explosion. Lembeck faints.)
MUPPET SPORTS: intro plays. Lewis appears wearing an Australian bush hat.
Lewis: "G'day, sports fans! This is Lewis Kazagger welcoming you to the wiiiiiild world of Muppet Sports. Today finds us in the land down under for the annual running of the Outback 500, here on the same site as last week's Pygmy 250."
(Reveal guys in kangaroo pouches at the starting line.)
Lewis: "Here our riders are looking alert, and their kangaroos are looking fit!"
Starter: "Gentlemen, start your animals!"
(The riders reach behind them and crank the kangaroos' tails.)
Starter: "On your marks! Get set!"
(He fires the pistol. The riders produce bamboo shoots and dangle them in front of their kangaroos.)
Lewis: "And they're off! Number 1 out front followed by Number 2, Number 3 is all over the place, and Number 4 hasn't left the starting line."
(Rider #4 waves the bamboo shoot in front of his roo, who shakes his head and doesn't move.)
Lewis: "Number 1 is knocked down by Number 3, Number 2 is looking strong and --"
(Roo #2 grabs his bamboo shoot and stops to eat it.)
Lewis: "Wait a minute! What a race, folks! Roo #2 has gotten hold of his bamboo shoot and stopped in the middle of the track!"
(Rider #2 gets out and tries to get his roo moving again. He gives it a swift kick in the butt. It moves -- without him.)
Lewis: "Wait! Rider #2 has gotten his animal moving without being in the pouch! He must catch up to his animal before crossing the finish line or he's out of it!"
(Rider #1 falls out of Roo #1's pouch.)
Lewis: "And, yes, wait a minute, now Rider #1 has fallen out! Number 3 still unable to find the finish line, and Number 4 still at the starting line refusing to move."
(Rider #4 produces a needle and jabs his Roo in the backside.)
Lewis: "Hold on, folks! Number 4 is back in the race at last, with Numbers 1 & 2, yes, disqualified for dismounting! Here comes Number 4 holding steady and -- yes! We have a winner! In a startling upset, #4 has come from behind to win it all! Until next time, this is Lewis Kazagger from Mup -- AGH!"
(Kangaroo #3 bounces into him, knocking him over, and keeps on going. Lewis staggers to his feet as the ending theme plays.)
Statler: "That sketch reminded me of an important point about this show."
Waldorf: "What's that?"
Statler: "It was black-flagged before it crossed the starting line!"
S & W: "Heh heh heh heh heh!"
DRESSING ROOM: A knock at the door.
Leon: "Come in."
(Floyd & Zoot enter.)
Floyd: "Hey, Leon!"
Leon: "Oh, hello there, fellas."
Floyd: "Hey, just wanted to slide by and lay a little welcome on you."
Leon: "Well, thank you, Floyd."
(looks over)
"Hello, Zoot."
Zoot: "Oh, hey, uh... uh..."
Floyd (whisper): "Zoot, it's Leon!"
Zoot: "Oh, yeah!"
(extends hand)
"Zoot, it's Leon!"
Floyd: "Hey Zoot, you got that backward, man. You --"
(He notices Zoot looking around, confused.)
Zoot (to Leon): "Anything else I can do to confuse you?"
Leon: "No, that'll do nicely."
Floyd: "Looks like his 75s are playin' at 33 1/3 today, man."
Leon: "Don't worry about it, it was nice seeing you. Talk to you later, Floyd."
(Floyd ushers Zoot out.)
Leon: "Zoot! Sorry you couldn't be here in person."
(Zoot turns up his nose and exits. Leon shakes his head, amused.)
VET'S HOSPITAL: a baby is the patient
Announcer: "And now, Veterinarians' Hospital, the continuing stoooooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs."
Rowlf: "So, what's the weight of our subject today?"
Piggy: "About five pounds, eight ounces."
Rowlf: "Oh. Little fella, is he?"
Janice: "Dr. Bob, we've got ourselves a baby."
Rowlf: "Oh, congratulations! I can't even tell from here!"
Janice: "No, not me. He's right here!"
Rowlf: "Oh! Well why didn't you say so?"
(He takes a look.)
Rowlf: "Cute little guy, isn't he? Woof woof!"
(The baby cries.)
Piggy: "Oh, Dr. Bob! You frightened him."
Rowlf: "I'm sorry, usually that doesn't happen. Usually, they go ga-ga for it! Ha ha ha!"
Janice: "Eww. Dr. Bob, I don't think he's enjoying this."
Rowlf: "Really? I thought he was having a bawl!"
Piggy & Janice: "Ooh..."
Piggy: "Dr. Bob, are you going to examine the patient?"
Rowlf: "Of course!"
Piggy: "You're not going to do any jokes about his being so young?"
Rowlf: "Have you ever heard a young joke out of me? By now you should know I only do old jokes."
(They chuckle.)
Janice: "Oo, what do you think, Dr. Bob?"
Rowlf: "I think it's stress."
Piggy: "Stress? From what?"
Rowlf: "From keepings things bottled up!
Janice: "Oh, wow! I'd love to be a mother some day."
Piggy: "Me, too."
Rowlf: "Well mind you're not in the army when it happens."
Piggy: "The army?"
Janice: "Why?"
Rowlf: "Because you'll go From Here to Maternity."
(They all laugh.)
Announcer: "And so we come to end of another Veterinarians' Hospital. Tune in again next time, when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say:"
Piggy: "Dr. Bob, what should we do about the patient?"
Rowlf: "I want you to vibrate the patient vigorously, give him a toy to play with, and turn him over a great many times."
Janice: "But why?"
Rowlf: "Why else? So he can --"
All: "Shake, rattle and roll!"
(All laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: Lembeck makes some notes at Kermit's desk as the VH crew returns from the stage.
Kermit: "Nice going, way to go!"
(to Lembeck)
"Uh, how's it going, Mr. Lembeck?"
Lembeck: "Just terribly. I've been talking to some of your cast members and already I've 14 cases of assault, 3 injuries due to building faults, 16 injuries from acts ON STAGE, plus a little blue guy with a long nose whose claims history could MAKE history. Oddly enough, he asked to be left off of the Workers' Compensation package."
Kermit: "Yeah, that's Gonzo for you. Confidentially, I think he enjoys the pain."
Lembeck: "Lucky for you he does."
Kermit: "Hey, I'm sorry if I didn't mention it earlier, but we're not looking to spend too much so whatever you can do to keep the price down would be greatly appreciated."
(Lembeck imperceptibly drops his pencil.)
Lembeck: "Mr. Frog, to find this show insurance at ANY price is an undertaking that may well take me the rest of my career, never mind discounts!"
Kermit: "Yeah, um, sorry about that. Anyway, I have to go introduce Leon Redbone, and --"
Lembeck: "Leon Redbone? Did you say Leon Redbone?"
Kermit: "Well, yeah."
Lembeck: "Wow, I don't believe it! You mean to say I've been here all this time when Leon Redbone has been performing? That's amazing, the guy's my idol! Hey, listen to this!"
(clears throat, imitates Leon ... badly)
"No one to talk with
All by myself ..."
Kermit: "That's very, um --"
Lembeck (sings): "No one to walk with,
But I'm happy on the shelf..."
Kermit: "Right, right. I have to go introduce him now, okay? Okay."
Lembeck (sings): "Ain't misbehavin',
Saving my love for you..."
CURTAIN: Kermit's "ta-da" intro plays as he enters.
Kermit: "And now, once again, our very special guest star, Mr. Leon Redbone!"
CLOSING NUMBER: "Laughing Blues" - Leon sings and plays with a band of Dixieland derelicts outside a tenement building.
"Manager cut my telephone,
And all my friends have turned and walked away
My gal has left me flat,
And a greyhound squashed my hat today
I cashed my monthly check
And some rowdy stole my four weeks' pay.
It rained all the night
And my shoes were soaking on my feet
Half walked through the door,
Found the landlord put my clothes out on the street
There has got to be a a way to break this hard luck streak.
Yeah, I said I wanna sigh!
Cry!
I wanna throw myself away, take a powder and die
I got the blues so bad,
My achin' heart is filled with pain
But before I go insane,
This thought came through my brain --
I've got the laughin' blues!
Laughin' blues!
To keep myself from cryin',
My sadness I'm denyin' blues
Hey, I never felt so bad
But I've got these laughin' blues!
I've got these laughin' blues!
Laughin' blues!
To keep myself from cryin',
My sadness I'm denyin' blues
Ain't never felt so bad
But I've got these crazy laughin' blues!"
(Chorus of laughter.)
GOODNIGHTS: Kermit enters.
Kermit: "Well, we've done everything we planned to do, as well as some things better left unsaid, but before we go, let's have a warm thank you for our special guest star, Leon Redbone!"
(APPLAUSE. Leon enters.)
Leon: "Thanks for having me on your show, Kermit."
Lembeck (calls from offstage): "Mr. Frog!"
Kermit: "Oh good grief."
Lembeck: "Oh, Mr. Redbone, it's a real honor to meet you, sir!"
Leon: "Thank you."
Lembeck: "Uh, Mr. Frog, I've just gotten your quote approved. Here, take a look."
(He shows it to Kermit. Leon looks over his shoulder.)
Leon (reading): "Skippy's Driveway Paving and Business Insurance?"
Lembeck: "The business insurance angle is new."
Leon: "As of about ten minutes ago."
Lembeck: "And it's only five dollars a year!"
Kermit: "Five dollars... Can you make it four?"
(Lembeck glares at him.)
Lembeck: "Anyway, he also has this dumb sideshow act. Maybe you've heard of them: Skippy and his Yodeling Rutagbagas?"
Kermit (embarrassed): "Heard of 'em? We had them on the show last month."
Lembeck: "Why am I not surprised by -- Oh no, not again!"
(He runs away as Animal rushes in, dragging Floyd behind him. The Swedish Chef and the Octopus, still fencing, enter the background.)
Leon: "Hey, watch it there."
Kermit: "Oh, boy. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!"
(Mayhem continues, as Piggy enters and gets promptly run over by a baby getting chased by Luncheon Counter Monster - with a bib, knife and fork - getting chased by Bobby Benson.)
Bobby: "Hey! That's my baby! That's my baby!"
(Piggy runs away. All continue running amok as Kermit and Leon dodge.)
Waldorf: "I just can't! I can't leave this place!"
Statler: "Of course you can, the show's over."
Waldorf: "No, I can't go, my foot's asleep."
(Waldorf stomps his foot, trying to wake it up.)
Comments welcome as always.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
For those of you who aren't familiar with Mr. Redbone, he's an eclectic, old-fashioned performer with a down-to-earth/oddball sense of humor, a style of singing and arranging that makes you swear you were listening to an old record, a panama hat, sunglasses and a soul patch. You can find more here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leon_Redbone
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Leon Redbone!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: LEON REDBONE
STYLE: LATE THIRD SEASON (circa Elke Sommer)
COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks on the door and enters.
Scooter: "Leon Redbone! 20 seconds to curtain Mr. Redbone!"
(Leon is sitting at a typewriter, typing. He finishes the page and hands it to Scooter.)
Scooter (reading off page): "Uh, 'Thank you, Scooter'."
(Leon types some more, and once again hands the page to Scooter.)
Scooter (reading off page): "Uh, 'Watch out for that light'. What light?"
(Leon types some more. He finishes the page and is just turning around to hand it to Scooter when an overhead light fixture falls and lands on Scooter. Scooter gets up, woozy, and Leon hands him the typed page.)
Scooter (reading off page): "'That one'."
(Leon grins at the camera.)
OPENING THEME:
S & W: (They turn to leave. Luncheon Counter Monster pops up behind them with a club.)
LCM: "Now you wouldn't leave before we got things started, would you?"
GONZO: a kite with a key dangling from it comes out of Gonzo's trumpet.
Gonzo: "What's the key for?"
(Lightning flashes. Gonzo gets a shock.)
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: "Thank you! Thank you! And welcome again to The Muppet Show, where what goes up need not necessarily come back down again. Our guest star tonight wears many hats as an entertainer: singer, composer, instrumentalist and keeper of great old songs. He's one of the most talented people in the business, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Leon Redbone!"
OPENING NUMBER: "Pretty Baby" - open on Leon sitting cross-legged, with his a banjo on his knee, in a dark space.
Leon: "On accompaniment, Bobby Benson's Baby Band."
He indicates as the lights come up, revealing the bandstand with Bobby at the baton. Leon plucks out the first bar and nods the band in. He sings:
"You ask me why I’m always teasing you
You hate to have my call you pretty baby"
(Miss Piggy enters, done up like Shirley Temple.)
"I really thought that I was pleasing you
‘Cause you’re just a baby to me"
(She leans over backward, showing off her baby blues.)
"Your cunning little dimples and your baby stare
Your baby talk and baby walk and curly hair
Your baby smile makes life worthwhile
You’re just as sweet as you can be"
Piggy: "Oh, I know."
Leon:
"Everybody loves a baby that’s why I’m in love with you
Pretty baby, pretty baby
And I’d like to be your sister, brother, dad, and mother too
Pretty baby, pretty baby
Won’t you come and let me rock you in my cradle of love
We’ll cuddle all the time
Oh I want a lovin’ baby and it might as well be you
Pretty baby of mine"
(Musical interlude. Piggy tap dances across the stage, with some intercut shots of her little girl tap shoes.)
Piggy: "Oh, they're adorable, Bobby."
Bobby: "That's my baby."
(The baby with the guitar starts chewing on her curls.)
Piggy: "Hey, watch it, ya little brat!"
(She breaks free. The baby with the rattle maracas sneaks up and taps Piggy on the head.)
Piggy: "Hey, I'll COME UP THERE! Errgh..."
Leon:
"Your mother says you were the cutest kid
No wonder, dearie, that I’m wild about you
(During the following, the same kid with the rattles clocks Miss Piggy, and giggles about it.)
Leon:
"And all the cunning things you said and did
Why, I love to fondly recall"
(She runs up there, screaming. She karate chops her way through the babies...)
Leon:
"And just like Peter Pan, it seems you’ll always be
The same sweet, cunning, little baby dear to me
And that is why, I’m sure that I
Will always love you best of all
(...Until they gang up on her, leaving her drowning in a sea of them.)
Leon:
"Everybody loves a baby that’s why I’m in love with you
Pretty baby, pretty baby
And I’d like to be your sister, brother, dad, and mother too
Pretty baby, pretty baby
Won’t you come and let me rock you in my cradle of love
And we’ll cuddle all the time
Oh I want a lovin’ baby and it might as well be you
(REVEAL Miss Piggy staggering up, bound and gagged with a giant bow.)
Leon:
"Pretty baby of mine
Pretty baby of mine"
(Leon smiles and nods, taking a sip of water. In the background, the babies continue to take shots at Piggy, who struggles, unnoticed.)
Bobby: "That's my baby! That's my baby."
Statler: "Poor Leon Redbone. He can't be having any fun, performing with those babies."
Waldorf: "I don't know. You could say he's had a bawl!"
S & W: "Oh ha ha ha ha!"
Statler: "Bawl!"
Waldorf: "Bawl!"
S & W (mock cries): "Bawwwwwl! Bawl! Heh heh heh heh!"
BACKSTAGE: Bobby and the babies enter from the stage.
Kermit: "Nice number, babies, good number."
Bobby: "That's my baby! That's my baby."
(Miss Piggy enters, enraged but still tied up.)
Kermit: "Um, uh, uh, Beauregard!"
(Bo enters.)
Kermit: "Beauregard, will you help Miss Piggy out of this, um -- this thing here?"
(Bo starts to untie her.)
Kermit: "Uh, wait a second. Bo? Do it somewhere else."
(He pushes her away, still tied up. A bespectacled young man in a suit approaches Kermit.)
Man (Lembeck): "Mr. Frog?"
Kermit: "Yes?"
Lembeck: "Mr. Frog, my name is Irving Lembeck. I'm with the insurance agency of Juhl, Grade, and Lazer. I've come to discuss writing the policy for your show."
Kermit: "Oh, we don't need any insurance, thank you."
(Kermit turns away.)
Lembeck: "Yes you do, actually."
Kermit: "No, I mean we're covered through the same policy that covers the theater, so we're all set."
Lembeck: "Not anymore, you're not."
(Kermit turns around.)
Lembeck: "I can see that you're busy, Mr. Frog, so I'll just leave my card and come back at a more convenient time."
(Turns to leave.)
Kermit: "No, wait. What was that you were just saying about 'not anymore'?"
Lembeck: "Well, the building policy you mentioned is held by a Mr. J.P. Grosse, the man who owns the theater."
Kermit: "Right."
Lembeck: "Well, sir, I just came from his office..."
Kermit: "And?"
Lembeck: "-- You're on your own."
(Kermit grimaces.)
Lembeck: "Mr. Grosse specifically stated that he will no longer pick up the slack and demands that you get your own policy for contents and liability -- ESPECIALLY liability."
Kermit (frowns): "Yeah. Well, uh, look, why don't we make an appointment for another day, like New Year's?"
Lembeck: "Sorry, I have to get this in ASAP."
Kermit: "ASAP?"
Lembeck: "Means 'as soon as possible'."
Kermit: "I know, I know. Uh, I have to introduce the next act, and then we'll go over everything."
Lembeck: "Good."
Kermit (into intercom): "Swedish Chef is on next! Swedish Chef on stage, please!"
Lembeck: "Now I'll need a statement of value for all of the show's property, and a report of any claims."
Kermit (stammers): "Claims?"
Lembeck: "Yes, claims. Any property damage or serious injury affects your rates. Uh, what's this next act coming up?"
Kermit: "... Oh, nothing of interest. GULP!"
SWEDISH CHEF: the Chef does his opening theme while an octopus sits on his table.
Chef: "Cunger shper dee ver dee ooctupuus!"
(The octopus nods. The Chef grabs one of the octopus's legs.)
Chef: "Ummer dee hoor, de wiggly squiggly."
(The Chef raises his cleaver, humming. The octopus, terrified, bolts from the table. The Chef gives chase around the table, hollering. He finally backs the octopus into a corner.)
Chef: "Aha!" (says something self-satisfied)
(The Octopus eyes the knife rack and reaches for it.)
Chef: "Oo noo! Noo noo noo!"
(The Octopus wields a bounty of knives. The Chef shudders.)
Chef: "Uu, ahhh..."
(He strengthens his resolve.)
Chef: "Ooctupuus, coom ber de beesh ke voor, OON GOORD!"
(He wields his cleaver and starts fencing with the octopus. They fight back and forth. The Chef knocks a butter knife from the Octopus's tentacle. The Octopus takes the same tentacle and swings it around to the Chef's neck, pinning him back.)
Chef: "Agh!"
WINGS: Kermit & Lembeck watch as the fighting continues. Lembeck is aghast.
Lembeck: "A knife fight on a public stage, Mr. Frog?"
Kermit: "Well, actually it looks more like a sword fight."
(Kermit continues to watch them intently, ignoring Lembeck.)
Lembeck: "But are they trained in fencing? What if one of them gets hurt? What if one of those knives goes flying and winds up sticking someone in the audience? What if a child in the audience sees this kitchen knife fight and tries to imitate it at home? What are you going to do then?"
Kermit: "Get out of the way!"
(Kermit runs backstage. Lembeck turns in his direction.)
Lembeck: "Get out of the way? If there's legal action, you'll hardly be able to get out of -- AH!"
(He turns just in time to duck from a deadly stroke by the Chef and Octopus, who continue to work their way backstage.)
BACKSTAGE: Kermit and Lembeck watch them as they go.
Lembeck: "I'm afraid this will lead to an increase."
Piggy (O.S.): "KERMIT!"
Kermit: "Uh-oh. Here comes another one."
(Piggy enters, in Swinetrek uniform.)
Piggy: "Kermit, that opening number was a cheap shot! What do you have to say for yourself?"
Kermit: "Oh, I know, Piggy. I'm sorry that the babies got out of hand. Will you accept my apology?"
Piggy: "HI-YAH!"
(She karate chops him.)
Piggy: "Apology accepted."
Lembeck: "Ah, this won't do, Mr. Frog. Having a wild boar running loose in the theater."
Piggy: "WHAT?"
Lembeck: "I realize that you've had its tusks removed, but that's no excuse."
Piggy: "Oh, yeah? TUSK THIS! HI-YAH!"
(Piggy karate chops Lembeck, and storms off toward the stage.)
Kermit: "Mr. Lembeck, I'm terribly sorry about --"
(Lembeck faints.)
Kermit: "Well, at least he won't report it."
DISSOLVE TO:
PIGS IN SPACE: the Swinetrek crawls through the stars.
Announcer: "And now, PIIIIIIGS IIIIINNN SPAAAAAACE! When we last left the Swinetrek, it was approaching a field of Infanta Beams."
Link: "Dr. Strangepork, is there any way we can protect ourselves against the Infanta Beams?"
Strangepork: "Sorry, Captain, but there's no known course of action for guarding against Infanta Beams. But fear not, I will reset our course and steer us around them."
Link: "Oh, what a relief."
Piggy: "Doctor, what are the effects of Infanta Beams?"
Strangepork: "Well, Infanta Beams cause their victims to age backwards. Sigh, I must admit, I wouldn't mind a temporary respite back to my younger days."
Link: "Certainly First Mate Piggy could use it to stop lying about her age."
(Link & Strangepork chuckle.)
Piggy: "Are vous saying that moi is over the hill?"
Link: "Oh, of course not, First Mate Piggy."
Piggy: "All right."
Link: "How old are you, anyway?"
Piggy: "Well, old enough to know better, AND YOUNG ENOUGH TO KNOCK A FEW HEADS TOGETHER!"
Link: "Ah, I see. But you ARE old enough to know better."
Piggy: "Will you shut up?"
Link: "Don't tell me to shut up."
Piggy: "I suppose mon capitain will tell us how old vous are, hmm?"
Link: "Me? Why, uh, (clears throat), just your regular old, average (covers mouth and mumbles)."
Piggy: "Oh, I don't think I heard you. Would you repeat that?"
Link: "Now, don't be petty, First Mate Piggy."
Piggy: "Oh, what's the matter? Afraid of letting the gray show under that bleached blond hair?"
Link: "No more afraid than you are."
Piggy: "WHAT? Strangepork, did you hear what he --"
(The ship passes through the beams. Strangepork is turned into a boisterous toddler.)
Link: "Agh! Strangepork! Look at you!"
Strangepork: "Whee!"
(He starts running around.)
Link: "Oh no! We'd better catch him!"
(They try to surround him, he slips through them. Link runs after him... and turns into a baby himself.)
Piggy: "Oh no!"
(She hops on the intercom.)
Piggy: "First Mate Piggy to crew! First Mate Piggy to --"
(She hears crying and gurgling on the other end.)
Piggy: "Oh, good grief."
(She's transformed into a baby.)
Piggy: "How are we going to fly a spacecraft when we can't reach the controls?"
Link: "Cry until our mommies come to help us?"
Announcer: "Tune in again next time, for PIIIIIIGS IIIIINNN DIAPERRRRS!"
(A baby bottle trails the ship as it exits the frame.)
DISSOLVE TO:
SONG: "Ghost of the St. Louis Blues"- open on Leon's hand strumming the guitar. He sits in the living room of an old house, lit an eerie blue (a la "Comedy Tonight", Joel Grey ep.) Cross-fade with the ghost floating every which way.
Reveal Big Mama on cello behind Leon, DogLion on string bass. Upstairs are three open doorways, and in them are Luncheon Counter Monster (on viola), Behemoth (on violin) and Gorgon Heap (also on violin). Heaps skitter along the rail and bannister. Snerfs pop in and out of crevices.
"There’s a creepy melody
Like a fiend, it keeps haunting me
All night long it rambles on through my brain
Till I’m near insane
It’s the most peculiar tune
Like some old colored mammy’s room
I can’t seem to leave behind that haunting refrain
It’s the ghost of the St. Louis blues
Oh it follows me around like a thief in the dark
Hark, hear it now!
It’s the ghost of the St. Louis blues
Lord, that haunting strain is just like a piece of bad news
When midnight shadows creep
I hear the ghostly music moan
It means the end of sleep
To hear a thousand saxophones
Sob and groan
I hate to see that evenin’ sun go down
I hate to see that evenin’ sun go down
For that gal I love, she done left this town
Hence the tune that I never can lose
Oh it’s everywhere, the ghost of the St. Louis Blues
Oh, Lord!"
(APPLAUSE. LCM eats his viola.)
UK SPOT: "The Whistling Colonel"- Nigel, in marching band regalia, conducts a Dixieland band (who enter one and two at a time on their instrument cue) playing Leon's original instrumental piece.
BACKSTAGE: Kermit peruses the running order while Bo mops in the background. Lembeck enters.
Lembeck: "Mr. Frog!"
Kermit: "Oh good grief. What is it now, Mr. Lembeck?"
Lembeck: "Mr. Frog, I want to talk to you about some of the safety hazards in your theater."
Kermit: "Hazards?"
Lembeck: "Yes, hazards: situations or things that can cause perils to occur, perils being causes of damage or injury. I've made a list of the hazards I've counted just since I've been here."
(He holds up a clipboard. Luncheon Counter Monster struts up, takes the clipboard, and eats it. Lembeck watches, incredulous, as LCM exits.)
Lembeck: "Well, it really doesn't matter. All one has to do is look around to see hazards in this place."
Floyd (O.S.): "Look out!"
(Animal, on his leash, drags Floyd behind him. Floyd manages to stop him.)
Kermit: "He's been eating chili peppers again?"
Floyd: "Pickled chili peppers. WHOA!"
(Animal drags him away.)
Lembeck: "See? There's a hazard right there."
(The Swedish Chef and the Octopus enter, still fencing.)
Lembeck: "That's another hazard, there."
(Animal and Floyd make another pass, followed by Luncheon Counter Monster chasing Mary Louise, shaking seasoning on her.)
Lembeck: "Another one there..."
Kermit: "Stilt walkers on stage please!"
(Stilt walkers enter.)
Lembeck: "That's another one..."
(Lew Zealand enters.)
Lew: "Hey Kermit! Can me and my boomerang fish be on the show tonight?"
Kermit: "Not on the show or in the backstage."
Lembeck: "Boomerang fish?"
Lew: "Yeah! You see, I throw the fish away --"
Lembeck: "Wait, it's coming back to me."
(The fish hits him.)
Lembeck: "That's another hazard."
(An alligator mosies through. Crazy Harry enters with dynamite plunger. Lembeck is looking in all directions.)
Lembeck: "Another one... Another one... Another one!"
(The stilt walkers stumble, falling onto the Chef and Octopus. A fish hits LCM, causing him to fall. Lembeck screams. Crazy Harry sets off an explosion. Lembeck faints.)
MUPPET SPORTS: intro plays. Lewis appears wearing an Australian bush hat.
Lewis: "G'day, sports fans! This is Lewis Kazagger welcoming you to the wiiiiiild world of Muppet Sports. Today finds us in the land down under for the annual running of the Outback 500, here on the same site as last week's Pygmy 250."
(Reveal guys in kangaroo pouches at the starting line.)
Lewis: "Here our riders are looking alert, and their kangaroos are looking fit!"
Starter: "Gentlemen, start your animals!"
(The riders reach behind them and crank the kangaroos' tails.)
Starter: "On your marks! Get set!"
(He fires the pistol. The riders produce bamboo shoots and dangle them in front of their kangaroos.)
Lewis: "And they're off! Number 1 out front followed by Number 2, Number 3 is all over the place, and Number 4 hasn't left the starting line."
(Rider #4 waves the bamboo shoot in front of his roo, who shakes his head and doesn't move.)
Lewis: "Number 1 is knocked down by Number 3, Number 2 is looking strong and --"
(Roo #2 grabs his bamboo shoot and stops to eat it.)
Lewis: "Wait a minute! What a race, folks! Roo #2 has gotten hold of his bamboo shoot and stopped in the middle of the track!"
(Rider #2 gets out and tries to get his roo moving again. He gives it a swift kick in the butt. It moves -- without him.)
Lewis: "Wait! Rider #2 has gotten his animal moving without being in the pouch! He must catch up to his animal before crossing the finish line or he's out of it!"
(Rider #1 falls out of Roo #1's pouch.)
Lewis: "And, yes, wait a minute, now Rider #1 has fallen out! Number 3 still unable to find the finish line, and Number 4 still at the starting line refusing to move."
(Rider #4 produces a needle and jabs his Roo in the backside.)
Lewis: "Hold on, folks! Number 4 is back in the race at last, with Numbers 1 & 2, yes, disqualified for dismounting! Here comes Number 4 holding steady and -- yes! We have a winner! In a startling upset, #4 has come from behind to win it all! Until next time, this is Lewis Kazagger from Mup -- AGH!"
(Kangaroo #3 bounces into him, knocking him over, and keeps on going. Lewis staggers to his feet as the ending theme plays.)
Statler: "That sketch reminded me of an important point about this show."
Waldorf: "What's that?"
Statler: "It was black-flagged before it crossed the starting line!"
S & W: "Heh heh heh heh heh!"
DRESSING ROOM: A knock at the door.
Leon: "Come in."
(Floyd & Zoot enter.)
Floyd: "Hey, Leon!"
Leon: "Oh, hello there, fellas."
Floyd: "Hey, just wanted to slide by and lay a little welcome on you."
Leon: "Well, thank you, Floyd."
(looks over)
"Hello, Zoot."
Zoot: "Oh, hey, uh... uh..."
Floyd (whisper): "Zoot, it's Leon!"
Zoot: "Oh, yeah!"
(extends hand)
"Zoot, it's Leon!"
Floyd: "Hey Zoot, you got that backward, man. You --"
(He notices Zoot looking around, confused.)
Zoot (to Leon): "Anything else I can do to confuse you?"
Leon: "No, that'll do nicely."
Floyd: "Looks like his 75s are playin' at 33 1/3 today, man."
Leon: "Don't worry about it, it was nice seeing you. Talk to you later, Floyd."
(Floyd ushers Zoot out.)
Leon: "Zoot! Sorry you couldn't be here in person."
(Zoot turns up his nose and exits. Leon shakes his head, amused.)
VET'S HOSPITAL: a baby is the patient
Announcer: "And now, Veterinarians' Hospital, the continuing stoooooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs."
Rowlf: "So, what's the weight of our subject today?"
Piggy: "About five pounds, eight ounces."
Rowlf: "Oh. Little fella, is he?"
Janice: "Dr. Bob, we've got ourselves a baby."
Rowlf: "Oh, congratulations! I can't even tell from here!"
Janice: "No, not me. He's right here!"
Rowlf: "Oh! Well why didn't you say so?"
(He takes a look.)
Rowlf: "Cute little guy, isn't he? Woof woof!"
(The baby cries.)
Piggy: "Oh, Dr. Bob! You frightened him."
Rowlf: "I'm sorry, usually that doesn't happen. Usually, they go ga-ga for it! Ha ha ha!"
Janice: "Eww. Dr. Bob, I don't think he's enjoying this."
Rowlf: "Really? I thought he was having a bawl!"
Piggy & Janice: "Ooh..."
Piggy: "Dr. Bob, are you going to examine the patient?"
Rowlf: "Of course!"
Piggy: "You're not going to do any jokes about his being so young?"
Rowlf: "Have you ever heard a young joke out of me? By now you should know I only do old jokes."
(They chuckle.)
Janice: "Oo, what do you think, Dr. Bob?"
Rowlf: "I think it's stress."
Piggy: "Stress? From what?"
Rowlf: "From keepings things bottled up!
Janice: "Oh, wow! I'd love to be a mother some day."
Piggy: "Me, too."
Rowlf: "Well mind you're not in the army when it happens."
Piggy: "The army?"
Janice: "Why?"
Rowlf: "Because you'll go From Here to Maternity."
(They all laugh.)
Announcer: "And so we come to end of another Veterinarians' Hospital. Tune in again next time, when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say:"
Piggy: "Dr. Bob, what should we do about the patient?"
Rowlf: "I want you to vibrate the patient vigorously, give him a toy to play with, and turn him over a great many times."
Janice: "But why?"
Rowlf: "Why else? So he can --"
All: "Shake, rattle and roll!"
(All laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: Lembeck makes some notes at Kermit's desk as the VH crew returns from the stage.
Kermit: "Nice going, way to go!"
(to Lembeck)
"Uh, how's it going, Mr. Lembeck?"
Lembeck: "Just terribly. I've been talking to some of your cast members and already I've 14 cases of assault, 3 injuries due to building faults, 16 injuries from acts ON STAGE, plus a little blue guy with a long nose whose claims history could MAKE history. Oddly enough, he asked to be left off of the Workers' Compensation package."
Kermit: "Yeah, that's Gonzo for you. Confidentially, I think he enjoys the pain."
Lembeck: "Lucky for you he does."
Kermit: "Hey, I'm sorry if I didn't mention it earlier, but we're not looking to spend too much so whatever you can do to keep the price down would be greatly appreciated."
(Lembeck imperceptibly drops his pencil.)
Lembeck: "Mr. Frog, to find this show insurance at ANY price is an undertaking that may well take me the rest of my career, never mind discounts!"
Kermit: "Yeah, um, sorry about that. Anyway, I have to go introduce Leon Redbone, and --"
Lembeck: "Leon Redbone? Did you say Leon Redbone?"
Kermit: "Well, yeah."
Lembeck: "Wow, I don't believe it! You mean to say I've been here all this time when Leon Redbone has been performing? That's amazing, the guy's my idol! Hey, listen to this!"
(clears throat, imitates Leon ... badly)
"No one to talk with
All by myself ..."
Kermit: "That's very, um --"
Lembeck (sings): "No one to walk with,
But I'm happy on the shelf..."
Kermit: "Right, right. I have to go introduce him now, okay? Okay."
Lembeck (sings): "Ain't misbehavin',
Saving my love for you..."
CURTAIN: Kermit's "ta-da" intro plays as he enters.
Kermit: "And now, once again, our very special guest star, Mr. Leon Redbone!"
CLOSING NUMBER: "Laughing Blues" - Leon sings and plays with a band of Dixieland derelicts outside a tenement building.
"Manager cut my telephone,
And all my friends have turned and walked away
My gal has left me flat,
And a greyhound squashed my hat today
I cashed my monthly check
And some rowdy stole my four weeks' pay.
It rained all the night
And my shoes were soaking on my feet
Half walked through the door,
Found the landlord put my clothes out on the street
There has got to be a a way to break this hard luck streak.
Yeah, I said I wanna sigh!
Cry!
I wanna throw myself away, take a powder and die
I got the blues so bad,
My achin' heart is filled with pain
But before I go insane,
This thought came through my brain --
I've got the laughin' blues!
Laughin' blues!
To keep myself from cryin',
My sadness I'm denyin' blues
Hey, I never felt so bad
But I've got these laughin' blues!
I've got these laughin' blues!
Laughin' blues!
To keep myself from cryin',
My sadness I'm denyin' blues
Ain't never felt so bad
But I've got these crazy laughin' blues!"
(Chorus of laughter.)
GOODNIGHTS: Kermit enters.
Kermit: "Well, we've done everything we planned to do, as well as some things better left unsaid, but before we go, let's have a warm thank you for our special guest star, Leon Redbone!"
(APPLAUSE. Leon enters.)
Leon: "Thanks for having me on your show, Kermit."
Lembeck (calls from offstage): "Mr. Frog!"
Kermit: "Oh good grief."
Lembeck: "Oh, Mr. Redbone, it's a real honor to meet you, sir!"
Leon: "Thank you."
Lembeck: "Uh, Mr. Frog, I've just gotten your quote approved. Here, take a look."
(He shows it to Kermit. Leon looks over his shoulder.)
Leon (reading): "Skippy's Driveway Paving and Business Insurance?"
Lembeck: "The business insurance angle is new."
Leon: "As of about ten minutes ago."
Lembeck: "And it's only five dollars a year!"
Kermit: "Five dollars... Can you make it four?"
(Lembeck glares at him.)
Lembeck: "Anyway, he also has this dumb sideshow act. Maybe you've heard of them: Skippy and his Yodeling Rutagbagas?"
Kermit (embarrassed): "Heard of 'em? We had them on the show last month."
Lembeck: "Why am I not surprised by -- Oh no, not again!"
(He runs away as Animal rushes in, dragging Floyd behind him. The Swedish Chef and the Octopus, still fencing, enter the background.)
Leon: "Hey, watch it there."
Kermit: "Oh, boy. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!"
(Mayhem continues, as Piggy enters and gets promptly run over by a baby getting chased by Luncheon Counter Monster - with a bib, knife and fork - getting chased by Bobby Benson.)
Bobby: "Hey! That's my baby! That's my baby!"
(Piggy runs away. All continue running amok as Kermit and Leon dodge.)
Waldorf: "I just can't! I can't leave this place!"
Statler: "Of course you can, the show's over."
Waldorf: "No, I can't go, my foot's asleep."
(Waldorf stomps his foot, trying to wake it up.)
Comments welcome as always.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
