The Woes of being a Step-Parent

[dwayne1115]

This thread is dedicated to the few, the proud, the Step-Parents!

Now for those of you who don't know me. I am a step dad to four kids ranging from ages 15-11. My wife and I also have two younger kids together who are 5 and 4 years old. The older four kids father was arrested just three days after the youngest child was born. Now I'm not going to say on here what he was arrested for, but if you must know you can PM me and I'll try to explain it. He was put in jail for 10 years, and when I met my wife and the kids they where all in desperate need of love. When I met the kids the youngest was 3 years old and just really learning to talk, and the second to youngest was talking very well. It didn't take long for them both to start calling me daddy,or dad. It was something I did not force them or there older siblings to do they just thought I was there dad. Now at the same time they did know they had another dad, and that he was in jail. Howver that was about all they knew, and they did not have any contact with there other dad due to the fact he did not have a lot of access to a phone and things.
Time passed, and as the kids got older they all started to grow more comfortable around me, and I was starting to become a better step parent as well. My wife and I had our two kids and we where all becoming one happy family. Then, the dreaded happened there real dad got out of jail and is now ready to be the kids dad again. Not to soon after he got out I started to notice a change in all of the older kids. They started acting a little bit more decent from me then before, and the younger two have stopped calling me dad, and now just call me Dwayne. What's worse is that they keep talking about there other dad and are confused about him, and me, and they are starting to confuse mine two kids that are younger. (I'm hoping this makes sense.)
Now, again I did not force the two younger step kids to start calling me dad, but now that they are calling me by my name I miss being called dad. I love my step kids as much as my real kids and would do anything I could to make them my very own. I know that they are all confused by this whole thing. I know I am and I'm a grown up. I really don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I have lost two of my kids overnight, and it breaks my heart. Even though they where never mine in the first place. If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it.

 

[Katzi428]

Have you spoken to your wife about your feelings? Maybe she can talk to her(your) kids about some kind of plan. Like calling their natural father "Dad" & you "Pop" or something like that?

 

[dwayne1115]

Have you spoken to your wife about your feelings? Maybe she can talk to her(your) kids about some kind of plan. Like calling their natural father "Dad" & you "Pop" or something like that?

I have tired talking to my wife about my feelings but she comes up with the same thing each time. She tells me she knows, and nothing changes.

 

[Katzi428]

I have tired talking to my wife about my feelings but she comes up with the same thing each time. She tells me she knows, and nothing changes.

That's not fair. I'm sorry this is happening to you dwayne.

 

[Slackbot]

Speaking as a child of divorce...

Have you spoken with your children (genetic and step) about this? I'm sure they have conflicting feelings about their family being changed by this new/old presence. It hurts your feelings to be demoted from "Dad" to "Dwayne," but at least you have some degree of control over the situation by virtue of your being an adult. They don't. They have to live with whatever their parents do. My suggestion would be to talk to them keep the channels of communication open, reinforce that you love them. Even if they don't want to say much, just making the effort is important.

 

[Eyeball]

I'm sorry to say this Dwayne but it sounds like there is nothing you really can do, just let time run its course and let them decide for themselves who they want to call 'dad', I mean a biological bond is something you don't have... And I don't really blame them for this change of behaviour sorry : (

 

[Dominicboo1]

I have tired talking to my wife about my feelings but she comes up with the same thing each time. She tells me she knows, and nothing changes.

Dwayne maybe a compromise like "Daddy Dwayne" or at least Uncle Dwayne. That's the best I can suggest but at the same time it is hard for them to call you dad when their biological father is alive