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Gorgon Heap
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I'm back.
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: NEIL DIAMOND
STYLE: SEASON FOUR (circa Dudley Moore)
COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks and enters.
Scooter: "Neil Diamond! 30 seconds to curtain, Mr. Diamond!"
Neil: "Thank you, Scooter."
(Scooter exits. Fozzie and Gonzo enter.)
Gonzo: "Welcome to The Muppet Show Mr. Diamond!"
Fozzie: "We've really been looking forward to having your sparkling presence on the show!"
(Fozzie & Gonzo laugh.)
Neil: "Ha ha, I get it. My last name is Diamond, so naturally..."
Gonzo: "We all think you're a 20-karat performer!"
(Fozzie & Gonzo laugh.)
Neil: "Okay, I'll play too. Uh, hey- if I'm a Diamond, maybe I belong in a ring!"
(Neil laughs. Fozzie & Gonzo abruptly stop laughing.)
Fozzie: "That wasn't funny."
Gonzo: "No, that was pretty dumb."
(Neil looks disappointed. Out of nowhere, Sweetums comes up and puts a GIANT RING around Neil, trapping his arms at his sides. Fozzie and Gonzo bust out laughing again. Neil frowns.)
OPENING THEME:
S & W: they put up decoys of themselves
GONZO: Gonzo blows a fox hunt signal and gets trampled by the fox and pursuing hounds
OPENING NUMBER: "America"- Neil on a ship coming into Staten Island
BACKSTAGE: Statler & Waldorf try to escape through the backstage exit, but are forced to hide in a trunk.
PIGS IN SPACE: In need of a new side thruster, the Swinetrek is headed for a rendezvous with the Space Laboratory. After a shaky docking – which Link spends cowering under the control panel – two request permission to board the Swinetrek. Link grants permission and the Stage Right door opens to the music cue of… Muppet Labs! Bunsen and Beaker enter, the latter carrying a small rocket.
Bunsen: “Welcome to the MuppeTech National Space Lab, where the future is being made today!”
Piggy: “Oh, brother.”
Bunsen: “I’m Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and this is my assistant, Beaker!”
Beaker: “Mee mee mo.”
Strangepork: “What did he say?”
Bunsen: “Oh, nothing important.”
(Beaker protests.)
Link: “I’m Captain Link Hogthrob, and this is First Mate Piggy and our science officer, Dr. Julius Strangepork.”
Strangepork: “Ve’re so grateful for your assistance. Vithout a new side thruster, ve vould go shpinning out of control forever.”
Bunsen: “Never you fear, Doctor! We’ve brought your replacement thruster, which my assistant, Beaker, will be happy to install for you.”
(Beaker protests.)
Bunsen: “Oh, Beakie-poo, you promised! Now, go put on your helmet and Dr. Strangepork and I will get you all hooked up for space walking. Dr. Strangepork, would you un-dock us from the laboratory so we can access the thruster terminal?”
(Their conversation fades as they exit the shot.)
Piggy: “Is this just another lame excuse for a cameo by our more peripheral characters?”
Link: “What’s wrong with that? How is it going over there?”
(Beaker is suited up and halfway out the window with the thruster and tools.)
Bunsen: “All ready!”
Beaker: “Mee mee mee.”
(Beaker ducks out.)
Piggy: “Are you sure he knows what he’s doing?”
Bunsen: “Naturally. MuppeTech National Space Labs sends only the finest and most qualified technicians to –“
(Beaker floats back and forth past the window, meeping and flailing, clearly out of control.)
Bunsen: “Oh, Beaker, quit fooling around and get the side thruster into place!”
(A heavy clanking sound is heard.)
Bunsen: “Oh. That’s more like it.”
Link: “Yeah!”
(All of a sudden, the thruster fires up and the ship tilts to starboard, knocking Piggy into the Stage Right wall and Link, Strangepork and Bunsen into Piggy.)
Link: “Lucky we landed on something soft and well-padded!”
(The men chuckle.)
Piggy: “Oh, yeah? Well, land on THIS! Hi-yah!”
(She grabs onto the wall and stomps the ground, turning the ship upside-down & dropping the men onto the ceiling. Beaker spins out of control in the background through the window.)
Piggy: “Hi-yah!”
(She stomps the ground again and the men drop back onto the floor once the ship is right side up again. Beaker spins out of control in the background through the window.)
Piggy: “Hi-yah!”
(She grabs and chops the wall, throwing the ship into a lateral 360-degree spin.)
Announcer: “Tune in again next time for a disorienting episode of… PIGS IN SPAAAAAACE!”
SONG: "Song Sung Blue"- Neil with the Electric Mayhem
(Bo enters S & W's box.)
Bo: "Excuse me! Mr. Kermit sent me up to see if you two were feeling all right."
(He taps them and they do not move.)
Bo: “Oh, no.”
(He puts his hands on their foreheads and they're cold.)
Bo: "Oh, no!"
(He grabs them both and rushes backstage.)
BACKSTAGE: Kermit speaks into the intercom.
Kermit: “Vet’s Hospital on in two minutes!”
(Rowlf enters.)
Rowlf: “Kermit, we have a serious problem. We don’t have a patient for this sketch.”
Bo (offstage): “Oh, help!”
Kermit: “What’s that?”
(Beauregard rushes in with the S & W dolls.)
Bo: "This is a medical emergency! Mr. Statler & Mr. Waldorf are cold and not moving at all!"
Kermit: “There, you see? Things tend to work themselves out.”
(Kermit exits. Rowlf takes Bo aside and points him in the direction of the stage.)
VET'S HOSPITAL: Statler & Waldorf dolls are the patients. Dr. Bob declares them dead.
UK SPOT: “Siegfried” – on a mountain set, rats perform excerpts from Wagner’s opera, with a cat standing in for the dragon Fafner
BEAR ON PATROL: Fozzie arrests a gruff hunter (the one from Muppet Sports in the Elke Sommer episode) for deer hunting out of season. Link asks for his deer hunting license, which is 3 days expired. As Fozzie pushes to lock the guy up and “throw the book at him”, Link bids him pause while he looks up what the punishment is.
Fozzie: “Sergeant, I recommend the maximum penalty!”
Hunter (leans over Fozzie, intimidating): “Oh, yeah?”
(Fozzie cowers down, gulps): “Um, yeah!”
Hunter: “Oh, YEAH?”
Fozzie (growing in confidence): “Yeah!”
(Fozzie and the Hunter are nose to nose.)
Hunter: “Oh, YEAH?!”
Fozzie: “YEAH!”
Link: “Patrol Bear?”
Fozzie: “Yeah? I mean, yes, sir?”
Link: “Uh, I think this has gotten a bit out of hand. The penalty for hunting out of season here is a $50 fine.”
Fozzie: “It’s WHAT?!”
Hunter: “Oh, yeah! Well, here’s $50!”
(Hunter hands it to Link.)
Link: “Thank you, very much. You are free to go, sir.”
Hunter: “Thank YOU! Yeah, as soon as you said it wasn’t deer huntin’ season no more, I ‘membered what season it really is!”
Fozzie: “Oh? What season is it?”
Hunter: “It’s BEAR huntin’ season!”
Fozzie: “It’s WHAT?!”
Hunter: “Yeah! Here’s my license.”
(He puts it on the desk.)
“Now, hold still.”
(Hunter takes aim at Fozzie with his rifle.)
Fozzie: “AAAAAHHHH!”
(Hunter shoots; misses. Hunter chases Fozzie, taking & missing more shots.)
Fozzie: “Sergeant, help!”
Hunter: “Hey! Come back here!”
(He shoots again. Chase resumes.)
Fozzie: “Sergeant, can you do something about this, please?!”
Link: “Sorry, Patrol Bear, but his license checks out. Maybe now’s a good time to take your unused vacation days!”
(Hunter chases Fozzie back and forth, shooting. End music cue.)
BACKSTAGE: Hunter continues to chase Fozzie.
Kermit: “Will you cut that out? No shooting in the theater!”
Hunter (beat): “You’re lucky I got no FROG huntin’ license!”
(Hunter leaves.)
(While Kermit is in disbelief, Beauregard blows into his hankie, and Floyd makes jokes about Statler & Waldorf’s demise, to Kermit’s rebuff. Piggy enters, offering to sing a tribute to Statler & Waldorf.)
Floyd: “Hmm, good idea. They’d have to come back from the grave to take a shot at you.
(Floyd laughs.)
Piggy: “Oh, yeah? Well, take a shot at this! Hi-yah!”
(Piggy chops Floyd.)
SONG: "Hello, Again"- Neil sings into the phone in his hotel room... and gets a wrong number – Sweetums!
Sweetums: “Gosh, I didn’t know you cared!”
(Neil grimaces, hangs up, and then dials the operator.)
Neil: “Operator, could you check that number again?”
BACKSTAGE: Fozzie is thrilled that Statler & Waldorf will no longer trouble him.
FOZZIE'S MONOLOGUE: Statler & Waldorf's demise sinks in when he performs free of heckling, and misses it.
BACKSTAGE: guilt-stricken, Fozzie suggests cancelling the next number in favor of a Statler & Waldorf tribute
S & W TRIBUTE: In a funeral home set, with the dummies in open caskets, Fozzie eulogizes Statler & Waldorf, who come onstage, crying, in the middle of it.
CLOSING NUMBER: "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show" – Neil sings in a tent revival, with Dr. Teeth as Brother Love and a Muppet gospel choir including Gonzo, Robin, Link, Nigel, Wayne & Wanda, two female Whatnots, and in the back row, Sweetums, Timmy, and DogLion Beast.
REVIVAL TENT SET: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Well, friends, that just about puts the last hallelujah in our chorus. But before we fold up our tent, let’s say amen for our wonderful guest star, Neil Diamond!”
(Kermit walks over to the risers, where Neil stands and most of the gospel choir is still in place.)
Neil: “Thank you, Kermit. I had a wonderful time. I loved meeting all the Muppets, and I even liked meeting these guys.”
(Statler & Waldorf enter.)
Kermit: “I knew you wouldn’t really leave us.”
Statler: “Are you kidding? We have bumper stickers on our cars that say “I’d rather be heckling”!”
(S & W laugh.)
Kermit: "Well, whatever the cause, we’re glad to see you back. And there's someone else who's glad to see you."
Waldorf: "Oh?”
Statler: “Who?"
(Fozzie rushes in and grabs S & W. He hugs them both.)
Fozzie: "Oh, don't ever leave us again!"
Statler: "Help!"
Waldorf: "I hate bear hugs!"
Kermit: "Well, you asked for it. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!"
Neil, Kermit, Statler & Waldorf, Fozzie, Dr. Teeth (still dressed as Brother Love), Gonzo, Robin, Link, Wayne & Wanda, Sweetums, Timmy, and DogLion mingle.
(Beauregard talks to the S & W dummies in their box.)
Bo: “And then when I was sixteen, I had a – say, would either of you fellows like some of my popcorn?”
(He holds up a bag. Audience laughs.)
Comments welcome.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: NEIL DIAMOND
STYLE: SEASON FOUR (circa Dudley Moore)
COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks and enters.
Scooter: "Neil Diamond! 30 seconds to curtain, Mr. Diamond!"
Neil: "Thank you, Scooter."
(Scooter exits. Fozzie and Gonzo enter.)
Gonzo: "Welcome to The Muppet Show Mr. Diamond!"
Fozzie: "We've really been looking forward to having your sparkling presence on the show!"
(Fozzie & Gonzo laugh.)
Neil: "Ha ha, I get it. My last name is Diamond, so naturally..."
Gonzo: "We all think you're a 20-karat performer!"
(Fozzie & Gonzo laugh.)
Neil: "Okay, I'll play too. Uh, hey- if I'm a Diamond, maybe I belong in a ring!"
(Neil laughs. Fozzie & Gonzo abruptly stop laughing.)
Fozzie: "That wasn't funny."
Gonzo: "No, that was pretty dumb."
(Neil looks disappointed. Out of nowhere, Sweetums comes up and puts a GIANT RING around Neil, trapping his arms at his sides. Fozzie and Gonzo bust out laughing again. Neil frowns.)
OPENING THEME:
S & W: they put up decoys of themselves
GONZO: Gonzo blows a fox hunt signal and gets trampled by the fox and pursuing hounds
OPENING NUMBER: "America"- Neil on a ship coming into Staten Island
BACKSTAGE: Statler & Waldorf try to escape through the backstage exit, but are forced to hide in a trunk.
PIGS IN SPACE: In need of a new side thruster, the Swinetrek is headed for a rendezvous with the Space Laboratory. After a shaky docking – which Link spends cowering under the control panel – two request permission to board the Swinetrek. Link grants permission and the Stage Right door opens to the music cue of… Muppet Labs! Bunsen and Beaker enter, the latter carrying a small rocket.
Bunsen: “Welcome to the MuppeTech National Space Lab, where the future is being made today!”
Piggy: “Oh, brother.”
Bunsen: “I’m Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and this is my assistant, Beaker!”
Beaker: “Mee mee mo.”
Strangepork: “What did he say?”
Bunsen: “Oh, nothing important.”
(Beaker protests.)
Link: “I’m Captain Link Hogthrob, and this is First Mate Piggy and our science officer, Dr. Julius Strangepork.”
Strangepork: “Ve’re so grateful for your assistance. Vithout a new side thruster, ve vould go shpinning out of control forever.”
Bunsen: “Never you fear, Doctor! We’ve brought your replacement thruster, which my assistant, Beaker, will be happy to install for you.”
(Beaker protests.)
Bunsen: “Oh, Beakie-poo, you promised! Now, go put on your helmet and Dr. Strangepork and I will get you all hooked up for space walking. Dr. Strangepork, would you un-dock us from the laboratory so we can access the thruster terminal?”
(Their conversation fades as they exit the shot.)
Piggy: “Is this just another lame excuse for a cameo by our more peripheral characters?”
Link: “What’s wrong with that? How is it going over there?”
(Beaker is suited up and halfway out the window with the thruster and tools.)
Bunsen: “All ready!”
Beaker: “Mee mee mee.”
(Beaker ducks out.)
Piggy: “Are you sure he knows what he’s doing?”
Bunsen: “Naturally. MuppeTech National Space Labs sends only the finest and most qualified technicians to –“
(Beaker floats back and forth past the window, meeping and flailing, clearly out of control.)
Bunsen: “Oh, Beaker, quit fooling around and get the side thruster into place!”
(A heavy clanking sound is heard.)
Bunsen: “Oh. That’s more like it.”
Link: “Yeah!”
(All of a sudden, the thruster fires up and the ship tilts to starboard, knocking Piggy into the Stage Right wall and Link, Strangepork and Bunsen into Piggy.)
Link: “Lucky we landed on something soft and well-padded!”
(The men chuckle.)
Piggy: “Oh, yeah? Well, land on THIS! Hi-yah!”
(She grabs onto the wall and stomps the ground, turning the ship upside-down & dropping the men onto the ceiling. Beaker spins out of control in the background through the window.)
Piggy: “Hi-yah!”
(She stomps the ground again and the men drop back onto the floor once the ship is right side up again. Beaker spins out of control in the background through the window.)
Piggy: “Hi-yah!”
(She grabs and chops the wall, throwing the ship into a lateral 360-degree spin.)
Announcer: “Tune in again next time for a disorienting episode of… PIGS IN SPAAAAAACE!”
SONG: "Song Sung Blue"- Neil with the Electric Mayhem
(Bo enters S & W's box.)
Bo: "Excuse me! Mr. Kermit sent me up to see if you two were feeling all right."
(He taps them and they do not move.)
Bo: “Oh, no.”
(He puts his hands on their foreheads and they're cold.)
Bo: "Oh, no!"
(He grabs them both and rushes backstage.)
BACKSTAGE: Kermit speaks into the intercom.
Kermit: “Vet’s Hospital on in two minutes!”
(Rowlf enters.)
Rowlf: “Kermit, we have a serious problem. We don’t have a patient for this sketch.”
Bo (offstage): “Oh, help!”
Kermit: “What’s that?”
(Beauregard rushes in with the S & W dolls.)
Bo: "This is a medical emergency! Mr. Statler & Mr. Waldorf are cold and not moving at all!"
Kermit: “There, you see? Things tend to work themselves out.”
(Kermit exits. Rowlf takes Bo aside and points him in the direction of the stage.)
VET'S HOSPITAL: Statler & Waldorf dolls are the patients. Dr. Bob declares them dead.
UK SPOT: “Siegfried” – on a mountain set, rats perform excerpts from Wagner’s opera, with a cat standing in for the dragon Fafner
BEAR ON PATROL: Fozzie arrests a gruff hunter (the one from Muppet Sports in the Elke Sommer episode) for deer hunting out of season. Link asks for his deer hunting license, which is 3 days expired. As Fozzie pushes to lock the guy up and “throw the book at him”, Link bids him pause while he looks up what the punishment is.
Fozzie: “Sergeant, I recommend the maximum penalty!”
Hunter (leans over Fozzie, intimidating): “Oh, yeah?”
(Fozzie cowers down, gulps): “Um, yeah!”
Hunter: “Oh, YEAH?”
Fozzie (growing in confidence): “Yeah!”
(Fozzie and the Hunter are nose to nose.)
Hunter: “Oh, YEAH?!”
Fozzie: “YEAH!”
Link: “Patrol Bear?”
Fozzie: “Yeah? I mean, yes, sir?”
Link: “Uh, I think this has gotten a bit out of hand. The penalty for hunting out of season here is a $50 fine.”
Fozzie: “It’s WHAT?!”
Hunter: “Oh, yeah! Well, here’s $50!”
(Hunter hands it to Link.)
Link: “Thank you, very much. You are free to go, sir.”
Hunter: “Thank YOU! Yeah, as soon as you said it wasn’t deer huntin’ season no more, I ‘membered what season it really is!”
Fozzie: “Oh? What season is it?”
Hunter: “It’s BEAR huntin’ season!”
Fozzie: “It’s WHAT?!”
Hunter: “Yeah! Here’s my license.”
(He puts it on the desk.)
“Now, hold still.”
(Hunter takes aim at Fozzie with his rifle.)
Fozzie: “AAAAAHHHH!”
(Hunter shoots; misses. Hunter chases Fozzie, taking & missing more shots.)
Fozzie: “Sergeant, help!”
Hunter: “Hey! Come back here!”
(He shoots again. Chase resumes.)
Fozzie: “Sergeant, can you do something about this, please?!”
Link: “Sorry, Patrol Bear, but his license checks out. Maybe now’s a good time to take your unused vacation days!”
(Hunter chases Fozzie back and forth, shooting. End music cue.)
BACKSTAGE: Hunter continues to chase Fozzie.
Kermit: “Will you cut that out? No shooting in the theater!”
Hunter (beat): “You’re lucky I got no FROG huntin’ license!”
(Hunter leaves.)
(While Kermit is in disbelief, Beauregard blows into his hankie, and Floyd makes jokes about Statler & Waldorf’s demise, to Kermit’s rebuff. Piggy enters, offering to sing a tribute to Statler & Waldorf.)
Floyd: “Hmm, good idea. They’d have to come back from the grave to take a shot at you.
(Floyd laughs.)
Piggy: “Oh, yeah? Well, take a shot at this! Hi-yah!”
(Piggy chops Floyd.)
SONG: "Hello, Again"- Neil sings into the phone in his hotel room... and gets a wrong number – Sweetums!
Sweetums: “Gosh, I didn’t know you cared!”
(Neil grimaces, hangs up, and then dials the operator.)
Neil: “Operator, could you check that number again?”
BACKSTAGE: Fozzie is thrilled that Statler & Waldorf will no longer trouble him.
FOZZIE'S MONOLOGUE: Statler & Waldorf's demise sinks in when he performs free of heckling, and misses it.
BACKSTAGE: guilt-stricken, Fozzie suggests cancelling the next number in favor of a Statler & Waldorf tribute
S & W TRIBUTE: In a funeral home set, with the dummies in open caskets, Fozzie eulogizes Statler & Waldorf, who come onstage, crying, in the middle of it.
CLOSING NUMBER: "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show" – Neil sings in a tent revival, with Dr. Teeth as Brother Love and a Muppet gospel choir including Gonzo, Robin, Link, Nigel, Wayne & Wanda, two female Whatnots, and in the back row, Sweetums, Timmy, and DogLion Beast.
REVIVAL TENT SET: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Well, friends, that just about puts the last hallelujah in our chorus. But before we fold up our tent, let’s say amen for our wonderful guest star, Neil Diamond!”
(Kermit walks over to the risers, where Neil stands and most of the gospel choir is still in place.)
Neil: “Thank you, Kermit. I had a wonderful time. I loved meeting all the Muppets, and I even liked meeting these guys.”
(Statler & Waldorf enter.)
Kermit: “I knew you wouldn’t really leave us.”
Statler: “Are you kidding? We have bumper stickers on our cars that say “I’d rather be heckling”!”
(S & W laugh.)
Kermit: "Well, whatever the cause, we’re glad to see you back. And there's someone else who's glad to see you."
Waldorf: "Oh?”
Statler: “Who?"
(Fozzie rushes in and grabs S & W. He hugs them both.)
Fozzie: "Oh, don't ever leave us again!"
Statler: "Help!"
Waldorf: "I hate bear hugs!"
Kermit: "Well, you asked for it. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!"
Neil, Kermit, Statler & Waldorf, Fozzie, Dr. Teeth (still dressed as Brother Love), Gonzo, Robin, Link, Wayne & Wanda, Sweetums, Timmy, and DogLion mingle.
(Beauregard talks to the S & W dummies in their box.)
Bo: “And then when I was sixteen, I had a – say, would either of you fellows like some of my popcorn?”
(He holds up a bag. Audience laughs.)
Comments welcome.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
