TMS outline- Peter Lorre!

[Gorgon Heap]

Just in time for Christmas, a Halloween episode!

For those unfamiliar with Lorre, he was a legendary horror movie actor on par with the likes of Vincent Price. Before becoming a regular fixture of the horror genre, he was known as an oddball sort of character actor, featuring in such classics as "The Maltese Falcon" (as henchman Joel Cairo opposite Bogart), "Casablanca" (as doomed opportunist Ugarte, also opposite Bogart), and "Arsenic and Old Lace" (as the villain's sidekick and plastic surgeon, Dr. Einstein). Before coming to Hollywood, he was prolific in German films, such as Fritz Lang's 1932 masterpiece "M", as the serial child killer.

For those who don't know what he looks like, some Google images: http://images.google.com/images?q=peter+lorre&hl=en&btnG=Search+Images

Lorre is still caricatured in cartoons to this day, and was the voice model for Ren of "Ren & Stimpy" and creepy Marlon Fraggle on "Fraggle Rock".

And yes, I'm aware that Lorre passed away in 1964, but that's why it's fiction.

Submitted for your approval:

"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Peter Lorre! YAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!"


STYLE: LATE SEASON FIVE (circa Gene Kelly)

COLD OPENING: Peter enters.

Pops: "Oh! Who're you?"

Peter: "I'm Peter Lorre. I'm the guest star on tonight's The Muppet Show."

Pops: "Peter Lorre! The legendary horror movie actor! Say, I'd like to wish you the best of luck and I hope you enjoy yourself, though I don't hold it likely."

Peter: "Oh, I think I have a ghost of a chance."

Pops: "Why do you say that?"

(Peter opens his jacket and two ghosts float out. Pops runs away screaming).

Peter (close-up, to camera): "Well, he did say to enjoy myself."

(The ghosts enter the shot and laugh with him.)

OPENING THEME:
GONZO: a ghost appears, playing a trumpet; Gonzo runs away screaming

CURTAIN: Kermit enters.

Kermit: "Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to a very spooky edition of The Muppet Show! Our special guest star is none other than that legendary master of horror, Mr. Peter Lorre. Yes, we're all geared up for Halloween, matter of fact, backstage we're even having a costume contest."

Statler: "What's the first prize?"

Kermit: "Two weeks' vacation."

Statler: "Can the audience enter too?"

(S & W laugh.)

Kermit: (scrunched face) "Yeah. Well, ignoring that, right now we'd like to-"

Peter (O.S.): "Oh Kermit!"

(He enters.)

Kermit: "Hey, it's Peter Lorre!" (APPLAUSE) "Hey, welcome to the show, Peter."

Peter: "Thank you Kermit. Listen, I hate to bother you, but I have a small complaint. Somebody ate my luggage."

Kermit: "Oh dear. Who or what did it?"

Peter: "Well I don't know. All I know is, my suitcase is gone."

Kermit: "Then how do you know it was eaten?"

Peter: "Because it was part of a set, and this is what was left from the other piece."

(He holds up a half-eaten garment bag, and produces from it a half-eaten garment.)

Peter: "I had heard that these are being worn shorter but this is ridiculous."

Kermit: "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. But ah, I'll have wardrobe get you some new clothes."

Peter: "Oh, that's good. You know I'm really excited to be here. You Muppets are my kind of people, and animals and things."

Kermit: "Oh well listen, it's our pleasure. The Muppet monsters are especially pleased. I like to keep 'em happy because to tell you the truth, the alternative is a grim picture."

Peter: "Oh, well I wouldn't be worried. There's really nothing to be afraid of-"

(A giant hand reaches from behind and taps Kermit on the back.)

Kermit: "Aah! That wasn't you, was it?"

Peter: "No, that wasn't me. As I was saying, just be calm and don't let anything take you by surpri-"

(A duplicate giant hand reaches from the other side and taps Peter.)

Peter: "AIIYYIEEE! Don't do that, please!"

Kermit: "But I didn't do anything."

Peter: "Neither did I."

(They pause. Then they run screaming offstage. Curtain opens.)

OPENING NUMBER: "Play That Funky Music (White Boy)"- the Alice Cooper monster band plays with ghosts and dancing monsters

Waldorf: "Think tonight's show will offer some chills?"

Statler: "Oh, absolutely!"

Waldorf: "Really?"

Statler: "Sure! The thought of watching The Muppet Show frightens me EVERY week!"

(S & W laugh.)

CANTEEN: The Muppets are preparing their costumes and filling out their contest entries. Kermit laments to Scooter that "the only thing worse than having a costume contest was letting Gonzo be the judge. He's upstairs practicing his ribbon pin."

Gonzo (O.S.): "Ouch!"

Kermit: "Hasn't quite got it perfected."

FOZZIE'S MONOLOGUE- Statler and Waldorf are giving Fozzie a hard time, as usual, while Peter and Kermit watch from the wings. A ghost interrupts Fozzie, sending him screaming offstage, until the ghost starts getting big laughs, even from Statler & Waldorf.

Ghost:
(to S & W)
"You know what the difference is between you two guys and myself?"

S & W (O.S.): "No."

Ghost: "From the look of ya's, about two weeks, TOPS!"

(S & W laugh.)

(Fozzie returns to the stage to defend his territory- unsuccessfully, as the ghost becomes even funnier when playing off of unwitting straight man Fozzie.)

Statler: "Terrific! At last some hope for live stand-up comedy."

Waldorf: "Well actually in his case it's DEAD stand-up comedy."

(They laugh.)

BACKSTAGE: Sam decries the costume contest to Kermit, and upon seeing a figure wearing an ugly monster face mask, he huffily removes it, only to discover that the mask looks exactly like the face underneath it. He runs away screaming. Kermit shakes his head. Just then, Kermit spots a contestant in an Angus McGonagle costume.

Kermit: "Oh, no. There's nothing worse than an Angus McGonagle costume."

Angus: "I beg your pardon?"

Kermit: "Except the real Angus McGonagle."

(Angus McGonagle the Argyle Gargoyle is trying to wrangle a spot on the show, to Kermit's dismay and refusal.)

Angus: "There's just not as much call these days for a good Gershwin gargler."

Kermit (sarcastic): "I can't imagine why."

SONG: "Personality"- in an elegant nightclub, a tuxedo-clad Peter sings to and dances with a girl monster (from the Doug Henning episode), backed by singing & dancing monster couples (the Season Five Frackles, plus DogLion & Big Mama, and the two Scoffs)

Waldorf: "I think that personality is tremendously important, don't you?"

Statler: "No."

Waldorf: "No?"

Statler: "Of course not. I hang out with you, don't I? HA HA HA HA HA!"

SONG: "Tall Paul"- a Whatnot girl sings to the Big Boss Man in a city set (similar to Debbie Harry's "One Way or Another" set)

BACKSTAGE: Rizzo comes up to Kermit in a little Sweetums costume.

Rizzo: "Hey Mr. Kermit, what do you think of this costume?"

Kermit: "Oh it's just swell, Rizzo."

Rizzo: "Yeah, it's perfect in every way, isn't it?"

Kermit: "Well, every way but one."

Rizzo: "Which is?"

Kermit: "Scale. No one would believe you were really Sweetums."

(Kermit sees something enter from the stage.)

Kermit: "But uh, if it's any consolation, the converse doesn't work any better."

(Thog enters from the stage dressed in a rat costume.)

Thog (to Rizzo): "Hey Sweetums! It's time to fit your costume!"

Rizzo: "I'll be right there!"

(Rizzo exits with Thog.)

Kermit (aside): "Eh, what do I know? I just run the place."

VET'S HOSPITAL- a ghost is the patient

Nurse Piggy: "Oh Dr. Bob, is there NOTHING we can do for this man?"

Dr. Bob: "Well there is ONE thing."

Nurse Piggy: "What?"

Dr. Bob (yells upward): "And so we come to the end!"

Announcer: "And so we come to the end of another Veterinarians' Hospital."

UK SPOT: "A Cup of Coffee, a Sandwich, and You"- in a sidewalk cafe, backed by singing monster waiters (Droop, Phoob, purple Frackle, blue-green Frackle), Behemoth (the yellow monster from "I've Got You Under My Skin") sings to a Whatnot woman before devouring her.

(AUDIENCE SHOT)

SKETCH: "House of Quacks"- Peter plays a mad scientist (assisted by Mulch) attempting to put inept vacuum cleaner salesman Link's brain into a giant robot. He keeps Heaps as pets and explains that Mulch is called Mulch "because that's what his head is stuffed with." However, finding that Link's head is completely empty, the scientist decides to use Mulch's mental muscle instead.

"It's not much, Mulch, but it will have to do."

(He chases Mulch around while Link asks for more coffee cake.)

BACKSTAGE: Kermit tells Fozzie that he's not fooling anyone with his mask. Just then, Fozzie comes up behind Kermit.

Kermit: "I'll be with you in a minute, Fozzie."
(turns back around)
"Now as I was saying, Fozzie- uh..."
(realizes, turns)
"FOZZIE!"
(turns back)
"But who's this?"

(Kermit removes the mask; the figure has no head. Kermit and Fozzie both run away screaming. Robin pops up from under the headless Fozzie suit.)

SONG: "Purple People Eater"- in a park set, Floyd sings while the Purple People Eater eats some purple (Whatnot) people and plays guitar. Later, in a home set (from the "I'm a Gnu" number), he catches the PPE on TV (while watching The Muppet Show.)

BEAR ON PATROL: Fozzie arrests a ghost for being a peeping tom, but he and Link can't manage to get the handcuffs on him or keep him in the cell. They try to cuff him and throw him in the cell but only succeed in reaching right through the ghost and cuffing each other. They finally (seemingly) lock the ghost in the cell along with themselves. The ghost sneaks up behind Fozzie and scares him such that he throws up his hands in fright and throws the cell keys across the room accidentally. The ghost, now wearing a police cap, exits.

(Statler & Waldorf are munching on popcorn.)

Waldorf: "I think he was just having fun with 'em."

Statler: "Well, I'm glad SOMEONE'S having fun tonight."

(S & W chuckle. A ghost rises up from their popcorn bucket.)

Ghost: "I'M having fun."

(S & W scream and toss the popcorn bucket, spilling it in the process. The ghost floats away.)

BACKSTAGE: Gonzo has selected the winner of the costume contest- someone in a giant chicken suit.

Kermit: "Uh, just a second. According to the entry form, this contestant is ineligible for the grand prize."

Gonzo: "I'm already one step ahead of you, Kermit! I've created an alternate prize!"

Kermit: "And that is?"

Gonzo: "A date with yours truly!"

(He throws himself backward into the giant chicken, and stands leaning against it.)

Gonzo: "And believe me, I'm YOURS! Truly!"

'Chicken': "But I don't want you."

(The 'Chicken' takes off the costume head. It's Peter.)

Gonzo: "GASP! PETER! Oh, why does it always have to be the good-looking ones?!"

DogLion: "Hey, this contest was RIGGED!"

Piggy: "Yeah!"

(They all swarm around Gonzo, who protests in fear.)

Kermit: "Uh, monsters on stage for the closing number!"

(The monsters exit.)

Gonzo: "Whew! Saved by the finale."

Piggy: "Not entirely. HI-YAH!"

(She chops him, nods in satisfaction, and exits.)

CLOSING NUMBER: "Soul Man"- Peter, Uncle Deadly, Mulch, Angus, ghosts, Frackles, Sweetums, Thog, DogLion, and the monster band (Angus gargles the harmonica part at the break), all in Blues Brothers garb.

GOODNIGHTS: Kermit enters.

Kermit: "Well, boys and ghouls, uh that about puts the final nail in the coffin for this week's show. But before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our fantastic guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Peter Lorre! YAAAAAYYYY!!"

(Peter enters, clad in a suit.)

Peter: "Thank you, Kermit. I've had a most wonderful time tonight."

Kermit: "Oh I'm so glad. Hey, I'm sorry about the costume contest. I know we didn't have an alternate prize lined up for you."

Peter: "Oh, not to worry, Kermit. It's all been worked out."

Kermit: "Hmm?"

Peter: "Yes, I was given something tonight that has made my life complete."

Kermit: "What's that?"

Peter: "My very own Gershwin-gargling gargoyle!"

(Angus enters, gargling up a storm. Peter is loving it.)

Peter: "-And he takes requests!"

Kermit: "Hoo boy! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!"

(Peter, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter (dressed as a vampire), Link (dressed as Frankenstein), Rizzo (on Peter's shoulder, not in costume) Uncle Deadly, Angus, Mulch, and two ghosts gather around.)

Statler: "Boo!"

Waldorf: "Boo!"

(A ghost appears, upside-down and hanging from the ceiling of the box.)

Ghost: "Hey- that's my line."

(S & W scream and run away. The ghost chuckles.)


Please comment.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

 

[Philip Kippel]

OPENING NUMBER: "Play That Funky Music (White Boy)"- the Alice Cooper monster band plays with ghosts and dancing monsters

Which specific monsters are dancing in this number?

SKETCH: "House of Quacks"- Peter plays a mad scientist (assisted by Mulch) attempting to put inept vacuum cleaner salesman Link's brain into a giant robot. He keeps Heaps as pets and explains that Mulch is called Mulch "because that's what his head is stuffed with." However, finding that Link's head is completely empty, the scientist decides to use Mulch's mental muscle instead.

Are the Heaps in this sketch the Green & Purple Monster Heaps?

CLOSING NUMBER: "Soul Man"- Peter, Uncle Deadly, Mulch, Angus, ghosts, Frackles, Sweetums, Thog, DogLion, and the monster band (Angus gargles the harmonica part at the break), all in Blues Brothers garb.

Which frackles are in this number? Boppity? Gloat? Droop? Lenny the Lizard? Miss Kitty? The Scoffs? The Season 5 Frackles? Who?

Also, which ghosts appear throughout the show? The ones from the Vincent Price, Alice Cooper and Crystal Gayle episodes?

And is the Purple People-Eater a specific monster or a new character?

 

[Gorgon Heap]

Which specific monsters are dancing in this number?

Season Five Frackles plus Uncle Deadly, Sweetums, DogLion, and Timmy Monster.

Are the Heaps in this sketch the Green & Purple Monster Heaps?

Yes.

Which frackles are in this number? Boppity? Gloat? Droop? Lenny the Lizard? Miss Kitty? The Scoffs? The Season 5 Frackles? Who?

The Season 5 Frackles.

Also, which ghosts appear throughout the show? The ones from the Vincent Price, Alice Cooper and Crystal Gayle episodes?

Vincent Price.

And is the Purple People-Eater a specific monster or a new character?

New character.

So, what'd you think of the outline?

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

 

[Gorgon Heap]

lyrics, links, and notes

Lyrics (with song clip links, where applicable):

Play That Funky Music (White Boy)

Hey do it now
yeah hey

Yeah,
There was a funky singer
Playin' in a rock & Roll Band
And never had no problems yeah
Burnin' down one night stands
And everything around me,
yeah
Got to stop to feelin' so low
And I decided quickly,
Yes I did
To disco down and check out the show
Yeah they was

Dancin' and singin'
and movin' to the groovin'
And just when it hit me somebody turned around and shouted
Play that funky music white boy
Play that funky music right
Play that funky music white boy
Lay down that boogie and play that funky music till you die
Till you die ,
oh till you die

Gonna play that electified funky music, yeah

Spoken:
Hey wait a minute
Now first it wasn't easy
Changin' Rock & Roll and minds
And things were getting shaky
I thought I'd have to leave it behind
But now its so much better
it's so much better
I'm funking out in every way
But I'll never lose that feelin'
no I won't
Of how I learned my lesson that day

When they were...
Dancin' and singin'
and movin' to the groovin'
And just when it hit me somebody turned around and shouted
Play that funky music white boy
Play that funky music right
Play that funky music white boy
Lay down that boogie and play that funky music till you die
Till you die,
oh till you die

They shouted play that funky music
Play that funky music
Play that funky music
Gotta keep on playin'
funky music
Play that funky music

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...bs_b_2_1/104-3025350-9923931?v=glance&s=music



Personality

Over and over
I tried to prove my love to you
Over and over
What more can I do
Over and over
My friends say I´m a fool
But over and over
I´ll be a fool for you

'Cause you got personality
Walk, personality
Talk, personality
Smile, personality
Charm, personality
Love, personality
And of course you´ve got
A great big heart
So over and over
Oh, I´ll be a fool to you
Now over and over
What more can I do ?

Over and over
I said that I loved you
Over and over, honey
Now it´s the truth
Over and over
They still say I´m a fool
But over and over
I´ll be a fool for you

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...bs_b_2_1/104-3025350-9923931?v=glance&s=music



Tall Paul

Chalk on the sidewalk
Writin' on the wall
Everybody knows it
I love Paul

Tall Paul, tall Paul
Tall Paul, he's-a my all

Chalk on the sidewalk
(Chalk on the sidewalk)
'Nitials on a tree
('Nitials on a tree)
Ev'rybody knows it
(Ev'rybody knows it)
Paul loves me

(Tall Paul) [Spoken]
With the king-size arms
(Tall Paul) [Spoken]
With the king-size charms
(Tall Paul) [Spoken]
With the king-size kiss
(He's my all)
He's my all

[Instrumental Interlude]

(Tall Paul is my love)
(Tall Paul is my dream)
(He's the captain)
(Of the high school football team)

He's my mountain
He's my tree
We go steady
Paul and me

Tall Paul
(With the great big smile)
Tall Paul
(With the great big eyes)
Tall Paul
(With the great big kiss)
He's my all

Tall Paul, tall Paul
Tall Paul, he's my all



A Cup Of Coffee, A Sandwich And You

In the movie plays of now-a-days,
A romance always must begin in June,
Tales in magazines have all their scenes
Of love laid in a garden 'neath the moon.
But I don't miss, that kind of bliss
What I want is this,
Chorus:
A cup of coffee, a sandwich and you,
A cozy corner, a table for two,
A chance to whisper and cuddle and coo
With lots of huggin' and kissin' in view.
I don't need music, lobster or wine,
Whenever your eyes look into mine.
The things I long for are simple and few;
A cup of coffee, a sandwich and you!

Still not 100% sure what I'm gonna do with this one. Right now I'm thinking I'm gonna pass parts of the lyrics to the waiters, and give only certain lines to Behemoth. Either that or I'll have to change the lyrics entirely.



Purple People Eater

Well I saw the thing comin' out of the sky
It had one long horn, one big eye
I commenced to shakin' and I said, hoo-eee
It looks like a purple people eater to me

It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
A one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me - One eye?

Well he came down to earth and he lit in a tree
I said Mr. Purple People Eater, don't eat me
I heard him say in a voice so gruff
I wouldn't eat you 'cause you're so tough

I said Mr. Purple People Eater, what's your line
He said eatin' purple people and it sure is fine
But that's not the reason that I came to land
I wanna get a job in a rock 'n' roll band

Well bless my soul, rock and roll, flyin' purple people eater
Pigeon-toed, undercoat, flyin' purple people eater
We wear short shorts - Friendly little people eater
What a sight to see - Ow!

And then he swung from the tree and he lit on the ground
He started to rock, really rockin' around
It was a crazy ditty with a swingin' tune
Sing a bop-bop-a-loopa-loppa-lum-bam-boom

Well bless my soul, rock and roll, flyin' purple people eater
Pigeon, toad, undercoat, flyin' purple people eater
I like short shorts - Flyin' purple people eater
What a sight to see - Purple People?

And then he went on his way and then what do ya know
I saw him last night on a TV show
He was blowing it out, a-really knockin' em dead
Playin' rock and roll music through the horn in his head

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...bs_b_2_3/104-3025350-9923931?v=glance&s=music



Soul Man

Coming to you, on a dusty road
Good loving, I got a truck load
and when you get it, you got something
So don't worry, 'cause I'm coming
I'm a soul man...

Got what I got, the hard way
and I'll make better, each and every day
So honey, don't you fret
'cause you ain't seen nothing yet
I'm a soul man...

I was brought up, on a side street
Learned how to love, before I could eat
I was educated, from good stock
When I start loving I just can't stop
I'm a soul man...

Well grab the rope, and I'll pull you in
Give you hope, and be your only boyfriend ya ( ya ) ya ( ya ) help!
I'm a soul man...

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...bs_b_2_2/104-3025350-9923931?v=glance&s=music



Episode notes:

-"Play that Funky Music (White Boy)": picture this number with red lighting, in a sort of house party setting
-"Personality": imagine this in a swanky ballroom at night- we only see the dance floor, and the walls are a kind of gold-amber color, with no windows, only some sparse decoration and the odd potted plant here and there
-"A Cup of Coffee, a Sandwich, and You"- imagine the girl Whatnot as being the curly-haired one from "At the Dance" in the Glenda Jackson episode (the one who goes "Ah, I think I see a free table", only to get hit by it.)
-"Purple People Eater": imagine the last set to be the same basic set piece as the final set piece in "I'm a Gnu", but made to look more like a living room, complete with sofa and television set
-"Soul Man": imagine this set looking a bit alley-like, sorta like the original SNL stage set

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

 

[TotallySpiesFan]

What Season Five Frackles appear in "Soul Man"? The pink one? The purple one? The green-orange one? The green one? The blue-green one? Who?

 

[Gorgon Heap]

What Season Five Frackles appear in "Soul Man"? The pink one? The purple one? The green-orange one? The green one? The blue-green one? Who?

All of them: purple, green, red, blue-green, gray, and green-pink.

-Purple: lead spy in Roger Moore ep. (Jerry Nelson); "You know what sea monsters eat?" in Carol Burnett episode (Frank Oz)
-Green: one of the spies in Roger Moore ep; dancing partner of purple in Carol Burnett episode (Richard Hunt)
-Red: spy in Roger Moore episode (Dave Goelz); danced with blue-green in Carol Burnett ep.
-Blue-green: appears in goodnights of Roger Moore ep., with arm around Kermit (Karen Prell?); pirate in Glenda Jackson ep.- "Captain, we're out of ammunition!" (Jim Henson)
-Gray: pirate in Glenda Jackson ep.- "He played hopscotch with the starboard watch while the captain tickled the crew..." (Steve Whitmire)
-Green-pink: appeared in the Glenda Jackson ep: "You think we tied him too tight?" (Frank Oz) and in "At the Dance", 'pirates have a ring in their ear' joke (Dave Goelz)

What did you think of the outline?

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

 

[TotallySpiesFan]

Who performed these characters?

-ghosts
-Alice Cooper Band members
-girl monster from "Personality"
-Season 5 Frackles
-Dog Lion
-Big Mama
-Scoffs
-Whatnot girl who sings "Tall Paul"
-Behemoth
-Heaps
-Purple People Eater
-Giant Chicken

I believe Angus McGonagle, Droop, Phoob, and Mulch are reprised by Jerry Nelson. Right?

 

[Philip Kippel]

I liked the outline, GH. Keep 'em coming.

 

[Fragglemuppet]

David, that was hilarious! You are truly a vary talented writer! Not only that, but you are also a vary patient man, sheesh!!

 

[TotallySpiesFan]

All of them: purple, green, red, blue-green, gray, and green-pink.

-Purple: lead spy in Roger Moore ep. (Jerry Nelson); "You know what sea monsters eat?" in Carol Burnett episode (Frank Oz)
-Green: one of the spies in Roger Moore ep; dancing partner of purple in Carol Burnett episode (Richard Hunt)
-Red: spy in Roger Moore episode (Dave Goelz); danced with blue-green in Carol Burnett ep.
-Blue-green: appears in goodnights of Roger Moore ep., with arm around Kermit (Karen Prell?); pirate in Glenda Jackson ep.- "Captain, we're out of ammunition!" (Jim Henson)
-Gray: pirate in Glenda Jackson ep.- "He played hopscotch with the starboard watch while the captain tickled the crew..." (Steve Whitmire)
-Green-pink: appeared in the Glenda Jackson ep: "You think we tied him too tight?" (Frank Oz) and in "At the Dance", 'pirates have a ring in their ear' joke (Dave Goelz)

What did you think of the outline?

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

It was actually Frank Oz performing the green Frackle, not Richard.