Love Advice...

[Zondra]

Hey, I need you guys' opinion on this situation I'm going through:

My friend Jar has been my best friend since literally second grade (We're in 13th now). We've always known each other more than we've known anyone else and done everything together. And, as I'm sure you can imagine, at times there has been some tension to start a different kind of relationship, i.e. start dating. Neither of us have really much interest in dating like THAT, but for some reason, when I try to look into the future, I can't imagine myself with anyone else. We've even made a pact to become bums together!

I have another friend, we'll call her Areku, and she has been both Jar and I's very very good friend for a few years now. We both count her as one of our all-time best friends, because really, she's a happy, fun, artistic, outgoing person. I, on the other hand, am dark, pessimistic, and sarcastic (You know, not something guys usually look for in a girl). I'm starting to discover that they are working up some chemistry different than anything Jar and I have ever had. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fun, witty person, I don't let my bad side show through most of the time. And Jar accepts me like that, he knows me, we have a beautiful relationship; but I feel like I don't want to see the future with him. I love him and want to spend my life with him...yet he loves someone else, someone who I know has more positive attributes than I. Jar tells me he sees Areku as his wife, and me as his partner in crime, but he says he loves us equally.

Despite what he says, I can't help feeling this unrelenting dread that when the time comes, Jar's going to pick Areku over me. He denies it but being the pessimist I am, I can't help but believe it. Am I just being selfish?

Has anyone ever had their two best friends fall in love?

I would appreciate any advice or stories of their own. I'm sorry for this horrid, jumbled rant, but I really need advice from other sides. I would totally appreciate it, and sorry if I'm annoying you! ^-^;;

Thanks, Aryn

 

[Beebers]

Oh, ow.

If he actually said, as you posted, that he sees her as his wife and you as his partner in crime, there's your answer to everything right there.

Probably most of us have been through something similar. I know I have, any number of times, in various permutations.
And, when things change or shift in any manner, it always becomes a question of what one is willing to or can tolerate. Oftentimes if deeper feeling for a third person develops, there is then the Well, I'm in love with this person but I still want you and I to be great friends Thing. Let's all keep hanging out just as always. Some can tolerate that but not many. The entire dynamic and chemistry of the relationships changes. If the person who has been asked to "just be friends" has deeper feelings, it usually becomes an intolerable situation for them to be around the new couple, no matter how close they all were before. It becomes hurtful just by virtue of its own existence.
It all depends on what you think you can tolerate without being or feeling hurt. You'd have to really pick apart and identify your feelings for this guy before you could know what you can be around in the future with him.
I've known many a soul who shelved and hid their love for someone for the sake of keeping the friendship. But that's a real test of fortitude, eventually doesn't work well in the long run, and the "friendship" winds down and wanes away of its own accord. It's too hard for the one swallowing their feelings.
Put your feelings for this guy under the microscope, figure out where you're at, and then you'll know what to do and how to be. Good luck.

 

[AndyWan Kenobi]

You're in a tricky situation, and one that many people can sympathize with--sometimes this one comes in different sizes or styles, but a lot of us have experienced the frustration of having feelings for a friend who doesn't return them in quite the same way that we would like.

The best advice I can give is to be patient, and be open to change. Change is going to happen here, no matter what, because this situation is inherently unstable. The only question is what the change will look like. Your relationship with Jar may change, but that doesn't mean it has to disappear. You may get the relationship you want out of this, but you may not--just be open to the possibility of remaining friends, because it's clear that the two of you care about each other. Amazing romantic relationships can grow out of a good friendship, so it's not unusual or self-defeating to have those feelings for a close friend. There's always room for optimism, and always (pardon the cliché) light at the end of the tunnel. There will be someone out there for you, someone who will feel for you exactly what you feel for him--I'm a big believer in this. He may end up being Jar, another friend, or someone you've never met yet. I think if you're patient, comfortable with yourself, and open to change and possibility, you'll end up with the right person no matter who he is.

Anyway, that's just my opinion... Use it if it helps, ignore it if it doesn't, but please be happy. Love takes so many forms--sometimes it's easy for them to be interchangeable, and sometimes we only wish it were. Either way, there's still love there...

 

[Zondra]

Wow...sagacious words. I truly appreciate the time you both spent on addressing my problem; it means a lot to me and is helping me get through this. Eternal thanks.

 

[Beebers]

I've been in every form this sort of thing can take on, as has everyone I've ever known well in my life.
I've been the one asking someone else I valued deeply to "still be my great friend" whilst they have stronger feelings for me than that. (I'm far too old for that now, I know how patronizing that can be, and how difficult a request it is to honor. I learned when I was 17, at the deep expense of someone dear to me, never to do that. Let people decide for themselves.)
I've been the one being asked to be a friend, when my feelings were more than that.
I've been the romantic interference in a friendship, without intending to be.
Every variation possible of this, I've been in.
It's imperative that you understand where YOU are at. Not where they are at. Is the idea of a future with him comfortable habit from a lifetime of friendship? Fear of being open to other things, other people? How jealous are you or aren't? Does it matter as much as you think it does? Can they proceed as a couple and you as a friend to that couple without any problem? (Maybe you can).
These questions all have to be asked and answered, and only you can do that.