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Warning: This is a post Kermit/Piggy Wedding story, but it’s more a comedy than a romance. Special huggy thanks to Lisa for deblocking my writer's block, and Ruahnna who inspired it.
Two’s a Couple, but Muppets Come in Crowds
She felt light on her feet, lighter than air, lighter than low fat brownies even, and she was bound and determined to enjoy feeling that way.
Not that Piggy didn’t always feel light as a feather, what with her dainty girlish figure...
Uh oh, time for a little reassurance.
She stepped a little faster as they maneuvered their way through the busy train station, still keeping a firm grip on her husband’s hand. They were on their way to Chateau Frontenac, the exquisite and tres romantic hotel in Quebec to celebrate their very long awaited honeymoon.
“Kermie?”
“Yes, Piggy?”
“Am I beautiful?”
Kermit looked back, and up, at his new bride in surprise. “Of course, Piggy. You’re always beautiful. You know that... don’t you?”
She beamed at him. “Oh, yes, of course, Kermie, but, moi still likes to hear it sometimes... many times... well...”
“All the time?”
She blushed, but there was nothing but gentle affection in his question.
“Yes, Kermie.”
“I’ll try to oblige then, darling.”
It was nice, this newfound, relaxed intimacy that had sprung up between them. It was like discovering something long hidden, but always known, like being wrapped in an emotional blanket. Piggy felt safe, for what was perhaps the first time in her life, or at least, since her early childhood.
Truly, perfectly safe.
Something inside of her had given way, some grasping, choking tension had been released at last, a heavy burden finally lifted. At first, the change had manifested itself subtly. She was somewhat slower to take offense, and less likely to resort to karate to defend her honour. Over the past two years, she’d become quicker to laugh and much kinder to her collegues... well, now, she could even call them friends as well as family. It was no surprise that Kermit had noticed the shift first, but he’d kept quiet about it for the most part, except to tell her, one perfect, moonlit night, that she was becoming more herself everyday.
Piggy hadn’t understood that at first, but she did now. The diva was a solid shield against the harsh realities of show biz and the still harsher realities of life. The diva was no longer something she lived in however, though the costume still fit just fine when the weather called for it. With the unspeakable comfort of her frog by her side, she found herself more, well, herself, as Kermit had sighed into her delicately pointed ear that night.
He loved her; he really did, and now, at last, he was no longer trying to hide it.
The single most terrifying possibility in her life, that he would leave her, once and for all, was now a non-issue, and the freedom of it was electrifying and uplifting all at once.
Kermit touched her arm gently, drawing her from her musings. “Penny for your thoughts.”
She smiled and slipped an arm around his waist, still childishly delighted with his instant response. Kermit’s arms circled around her and he peered up, looking straight into her eyes and somehow letting her see his soul. This is one amazing frog, she thought, not for the first time, nor for the last. “My thoughts don’t come that cheap, Kermie, but since it’s you, I’m sure we can come to some sort of arrangement.”
“Oh, really?” His eyes lit up and he snuggled against her. “Let the negotiations begin, then.”
Piggy was all too happy to oblige, meeting his lips in a fluttering of tiny little kisses that left them both breathless and giggling.
“Enough, enough,” she broke off with a laugh, “save all that energy for later darling, you’ll need it.”
“Promise?”
“Hmm, yes, I do promise.” A sexy little growl entered her voice and Kermit ducked in for another kiss, this one more than a little heated.
“Oh, Kermie, I do have to breathe you know.”
“Are you sure?”
She sent him a scolding look then gave him a teasing pinch on the bottom. It was not a bad thing, to be married to a frog, she mused, as he jumped in surprise. Kermit has a remarkable lung capacity, and moi is all too happy to take advantage of that talent. “I’m sure, love.”
“Good.” Kermit suddenly looked over her shoulder, and she turned to see what had caught his eye. Almost immediately afterwards, she gave a little start that melted into a giggle as she turned back to face him.
He gave her a look as innocent as the day he was born. “What?”
Piggy laughed and gave him a quick smooch. They gushed at each other for a few more minutes, causing passersby to either smile and giggle or roll their eyes, depending largely on the state of their own romantic lives. The lovebirds… um, so to speak, saw none of it, too wrapped up in each other to care about such niggling details like where they were or who was watching them.
Eventually, it penetrated their minds that they were in an extremely public space and that if they wanted to get to a private space, they’d have to get moving.
“They said we could pick up the train passes at the desk and baggage handling is…” Kermit scanned the crowded hall quickly. “…over there. Which one do you want to do?”
Piggy gave him a pointed look.
Ever the gentlefrog, Kermit continued without hesitation. “Okay, if you want to wait in line, I’ll get our bags to where they’re going, which is hopefully the same place we’re going.” He picked up his suitcase with ease and then approached Piggy’s. She had brought only one piece of luggage at his insistence… but it was a doozy.
Piggy’s suitcase looked like a steel reinforced army surplus howitzer crate that could stop a tank from getting in if the commander inside required lacy undergarments in the middle of a combat zone. Um… it could happen. It was also all over purple, Piggy’s favorite colour. Kermit looked at it bleakly.
“Um… ah!” Her frog cheered up instantly when he saw that there were wheels on the bottom of the thing to, presumably, make things easier. She made no move towards the counter, staying to watch her husband tackle this particular problem. He gave her a confident, “don’t worry, I can handle this, you run along like a good little wife” wave and she smiled sweetly at him in return.
Oh, my love, you should know better by now.
He grasped the handle and hooked the tow line over his shoulder but before he could start to pull on it, Piggy intervened. “Mon Capitan, vous are so much better at dealing with people then moi, who is simply too much for them to handle. Would vous mind terribly if moi handled our bags while vous deal with the public?”
Kermit looked at her and her smile. He tried valiantly not to look relieved. Piggy in turn, did not lose a single watt of her thousand-watt smile. “If it makes you happy…”
“Oh, it does,” she cooed. I want you in one piece for our honeymoon!
Reprieved, Kermit trundled off to the Ticket Booth having escaped years of physical therapy… for now. Piggy gave him a long, loving look that he didn’t catch and turned back to her anti-tank suitcase.
“Oh, Chester…” she sighed, giving it a fond pat. Then, a flash of red caught her eye.
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As he waited patiently in line, a stirring of movement in the crowd drew his attention. A familiar hat stood out from the crowd.
“It can’t be...”
The hat disappeared before he could confirm his first impression.
Shortly thereafter, Kermit arrived at the counter and forgot all about it. Quickly he picked up their ordered tickets and started to make his way back through the crowd towards Piggy.
A well-known voice slipped through the din.
“Like, I am rully sorry about this, but have you seen our way cool drummer around anywhere?”
“Janice?”
It had to be Janice. It had to be.
Kermit used his long experience of crowd control to weave his way towards where the words had come from, but when he finally arrived, there was no sign of the owner of that mellow voice.
“What the hey?” He asked no one in particular. With a puzzled shake of his head, Kermit resumed his meandering course towards Piggy.
When he found her, she was sitting on her suitcase with a pensive expression on her face. He immediately started to worry, but further inspection revealed the fresh beginnings of annoyance.
“Piggy, what’s-”
She didn’t look over at him. “I think I saw Floyd,” Piggy said flatly, dropping her faux French without thought as she scanned the crowd.
Kermit nodded. “I think I heard Janice… and I might have seen Dr. Teeth.”
His new wife launched herself off her very solid luggage and began pacing. “What are they doing here now?” He moved to soothe her but her eyes flashed angrily. “It’s our honeymoon! They shouldn’t be here.”
He took Piggy by the arm and started gently tracing her gloved hand in a movement that never failed to affect her. “I think they know that. I think they’re trying to avoid us.”
Piggy continued to frown, but she spoke wistfully. “Can’t I get you all to myself ever? Even just for a little while?”
Kermit smiled and gave her hand a squeeze. “You’ve got me; you have… but, we’ve also got… us.” He chuckled softly at his little joke, but it did nothing for her mood.
“Kermit, if you break into song right now I swear-”
Click!
The flash of the camera caught them totally off guard. In an instant, Kermit found himself mowed over by Hurricane Piggy, who was not in any mood for illicit photographers after honeymoon dirt. She was evidently a much better tracker than he was because by the time he managed to get to his feet, Piggy reappeared out of the masses dragging their camera man who was writhing in no little bit of pain.
Writhing, and loving it.
“Gonzo?!” Kermit exclaimed, dumbfounded. “What on earth are you doing here?”
To give the Whatever he was credit, Gonzo did try to answer.
“Piggy honey, it’s just Gonzo. Let him go.”
She gave Kermit a look of pure venom, but he didn’t take it personally. Piggy was vehemently protective of their relationship, had been even before he was willing to acknowledge one, so their marriage, and their honeymoon were sacred things… and Gonzo had trespassed… for reasons Kermit could only guess at, unless Piggy let go of him.
“Don’t do him any favours, Piggy.” Kermit said quietly, changing tactics.
She scowled at her prisoner’s obvious ecstasy, and with an unhappy growl slammed him violently into the ground.
“Shoulda held out longer, Kermit!” Gonzo cheered. “I only saw part of my life flash before my nose!”
Piggy kicked him savagely then turned to Kermit, visibly boiling. “I need to get a sip of water. Can I trust you not to let this weirdo get away… or if he does… to keep him away?” This last part was snarled into Gonzo’s face before Piggy stomped away through a crowd that parted quickly before her.
Not particularly enthused about Gonzo’s unexpected presence himself, Kermit held out a hand and pulled his odd friend off the floor.
“Wowee, you’re a lucky frog, Kermit. She’s wild! She inflicted pain in places I didn’t even know I had!”
Piggy’s brand-spanking new husband did not particularly appreciate hearing that.
“Gonzo,” he complained, “What are you doing here? What is everyone doing here?”
He did not care for the Whatever’s response. “Ah, that’s a good point. What are any of us doing here? That’s a profound question that can only be answered by-”
“Gonzo!” Enough of Kermit’s buttons had been pushed and he launched into arm-waving hysterics. “When I say, “What are you doing here?” I don’t mean, “What are you doing here, in this life, on this planet, or on this plane of existence!” I mean, “what are you doing here, now, in this train station, at this moment, in this here! Not any other here! Do you hear me?”
“Do I here you?” Gonzo repeated, confused.
Kermit let out a short scream of frustration and buried his head in his hands. After a moment of rapid breathing he managed to find his composure again, and dragged it out of the dark, quiet place where it had scurried.
“Why,” he tried again, “are you here at the train station, when you know, that Piggy and I are trying to get away to be alone together?”
Gonzo perked up and put a friendly arm around Kermit’s shoulders. “Well, to give you my best, of course!”
Kermit stared at him for a long moment, glad that he didn’t know karate and yet, just a little regretful that he didn’t know karate.
He missed Piggy.
“Okay. Thank you. Now, if I could ask another question?”
“Sure, go ahead.”
“Why did you sneak up on us, and take a picture of us… on our honeymoon?”
Gonzo gave him a look that said more eloquently than words that he thought the answer should be obvious. “Because I though you two might want a souvenir, of course.”
Kermit’s voice dropped into a preternatural calm. “Ah,” he said. “Gonzo. Piggy and I do not want you to take photos of us right now. We want to be alone. Together. ON OUR HONEYMOON!!!”
The little frog again panted for air as Gonzo watched him in some concern.
“Are you alright, Kermit?”
“Yes. I am fine.” Kermit replied woodenly, wondering if he was going to make it to Quebec. “Thank you, Gonzo. I understand why you are here now. So, why are the others here?”
“What others?” Gonzo asked innocently, before quickly pulling away from the befuddled frog. “Oh, hey, Camilla!”
How he’d spotted the chicken, Kermit didn’t want to know.
“Listen Kermit, we’ve gotta go. But anyway, it’s been great seeing you. Have a good time honeymooning, oh, and give Piggy our love. Coming Camilla!”
Kermit watched them disappear into the milling bodies. He was settled on Piggy’s suitcase when she returned.
“You let him get away!” she accused, though she sounded more miffed than furious.
“I don’t think he’s coming back. He and Camilla send their love.”
“Lovely.”
“Yeah.”
“Isn’t that, Zoot?”
“Yep.”
“If Gonzo left, why are they still here?!” she kept her voice down, but her frustration was clear.
“I have no idea.”
Piggy frowned at him, troubled. “You sound… relaxed. What’s wrong?”
Kermit shrugged. “I’ve decided to be calm,” he said calmly. “I’m just gonna let it all roll over me.”
Piggy folded her arms. “That’s not how I do things!” she proclaimed with enough volume for her words to act as a threat to any lost sheep within earshot.
Her zen-like hubby smiled peaceably. “I know. I like that about you. Piggy. Did you know there’s something moving inside your suitcase?”
Her mouth fell open. “Wha-?”
“That’s what I thought. Floyd’s over there, trying not to notice me noticing him. Would you be a dear and grab him?”
For the first time in some time, Piggy smiled. “Of course, Mon Capitan,” she said sweetly, before her voice plunged into a growl. “It would be moi’s pleasure!”
In a minute, Kermit knew she’d been successful.
“Whoa! Hey, man, I’m being pork-knapped here! Watch the threads!” Piggy returned energetically dragging Floyd Pepper by his jacket. She released him to Kermit.
“Heigh-ho, Floyd.”
“Uh, hey there little froggy dude. How goes the nuptials?”
“They seem to be a bit stalled at the moment. Have you got something to tell us?”
Floyd, coolest of the cool, shifted uncomfortably. “We have a little situation goin’ down.”
“Do tell,” Piggy cooed when he didn’t continue right away. Soon the other members of the Electric Mayhem had come out of the woodwork.
There was one notable member in absentia.
“Floyd, where’s Animal?” Kermit asked conversationally enough that the musicians knew the frog meant business.
They also knew that Piggy always meant business.
Floyd turned his head towards her briefly, than muttered, “In the crate, mate.”
Piggy’s eyes threatened to pop out of her head. “What?!”
“He like, got loose again, Mr. Kermit, sir.” Janice spoke up, contrite. “It was Beauregard who spotted him getting into Miss Piggy’s suitcase, but he totally didn’t tell anyone until you we’re already gone.”
Piggy was already hauling at the latches, muttering darkly. Kermit slid wordlessly off of it and out of her way.
“Why didn’t you just tell us?”
When no one else spoke up, Lips murmured, “We didn’t want to ruin your romanticizing.”
Kermit sighed. “All the sneaking around, really didn’t help things any, guys.” But Kermit’s voice had taken on more of its usual chipper tone and they relaxed, knowing he’d forgiven them.
Piggy, who was a different story altogether, sprung the last latch.
With a wild cry, Animal leapt out of the case, sending Piggy’s personal affects flying and knocking the raging lady pig to the floor.
“HO-NEY-MOON! AH HA HA HA!” he laughed, non the worse for wear for all his imprisonment.
Torn between desire for revenge and embarrassment at having her things scattered all over for the world to see, Piggy started scooping up her Nice and Lacies and whipping them at Animal. “You’re gonna pay for this, you crazy-”
“WO-MAN! WO-MAN!”
“You’ve got that right!” Piggy cried, and chopped him hard enough to send him flying back over the suitcase to land at Floyd’s feet.
“Hey, you found him!” Floyd observed, happy to have their drummer back.”
Animal was still holding onto a skimpy bit of negligee and Floyd, obviously hoping for some sort of peace offering tried to extricate it. Unfortunately, it turned into a hideously embarrassing tug-of-war. Kermit did his best to smooth things over by helping Piggy repack, distracting her at least a little bit from the circus of underwear that was being held at the train station big top. Dr. Teeth and Zoot moved to assist the recovery efforts as well, but Piggy was significantly less than grateful, slapping their hands way violently with furious shouts.
At last, Floyd managed to take back the lingerie from Animal. Wisely, he gave it to Kermit to ensure his continued groovy existence. The Electric Mayhem departed quickly there after, taking most of the gawkers with them.
Kermit sidled back over to his wife who was getting ready to close up her violated suitcase.
“You forgot this,” he said softly, holding up the silky thing, and getting a good look at it as he did so.
Piggy stashed it away quickly and firmly re-latched the bulky thing. She gave it a careful kick for good measure, then sat on top of it and buried her face in her hands.
After giving her a moment, Kermit hopped up beside her and gave her a leaning sort of hug. "It wasn’t that bad."
She shook her head and he was dismayed to hear the liquid quaver of unshed tears. "But it's our honeymoon.. and Animal was in moi’s suitcase!"
He pulled her closer. “Well, I know that, honey, but it's- it's always kinda like this when I go away. Just try to be patient, okay? It’s over and done with now." He smiled sweetly at her... and it suddenly occurred to Piggy that her frog was in far too good a mood.
She pulled her hands away and looked blearily at him. "You... did you plan this?"
"What?"
"These.. this.... all this!"
"Don't be silly, Piggy. How could you plan anything with these guys? I have been trying for years, in fact, as you well know."
She gave him a searching look... he seemed sincere enough, but he always did.
"I want to believe you, Kermie." Her voice took on a dangerous edge, hurt shifting quicksilver to fury as it so often did with her. "And you want me to believe you too." Kermit frowned slightly, trying to figure out how he had just gotten in trouble here.
"Oh, my goodness!" Piggy exclaimed in alarm, alarming Kermit still further. "Is this a joke? A phoney honeymoon?!" A suspicious look crossed her face. "I thought that minister looked a little too much like a minister! That was a phony wedding! Oh, it all makes sense now."
Kermit tried to stutter out something soothing, but she was moving too fast for the sound to catch up with her ears. Piggy launched off the suitcase.
"When we're you gonna tell me about this?! During our honeymoon?"
Things we’re definitely getting out of control.
Scandal suddenly burst across her face. "Or... or after?! Kermit! How could you?!" She snagged him by the throat and dragged him to her face with a disturbing lack of effort. "Just what kind of girl do you think I am?!"
Kermit froze, toes barely reaching the ground while shocking blue eyes drilled into him, awaiting his answer. So he gave the only one he could, the only one he had.
"Mine."
Piggy let him go instantly, but she didn’t let him go far. “I’m your girl?”
Kermit swallowed, recovering. “Of course, Piggy. Only for always.”
“So, um, all of this really was just…” She made a vague gesture as her words failed her.
He echoed the gesture. “Same old. Same old.”
“Oh. Well, good,” she said softly.
Kermit caught her chin and tilted it towards him. “You can trust me, you know.”
Piggy blinked rapidly and tried to keep her breathing steady.
“I know,” she managed at last. “I do know.”
Satisfied, Kermit smiled and brushed her lips gently with his own before looking around to find their baggage.
Piggy watched him walk away a few steps before reaching out and tugging him back to her side, her face set in that fiercely tender look only she could pull off.
“I’m on you side, you know, for always,” she whispered urgently, needing him to know.
“Oh, you are, huh?” He rubbed his throat pointedly, but his eyes were glittering.
“Yes… I am. I’m always on your side.”
“Even when we argue?”
Piggy’s eyes lit up with mirth, but when she spoke it was with great deliberateness. “Yes, even when we argue. I’m on your side, Kermit.” Then she shrugged easily and gave him a glance so haughty she could have patented it. “It comes from you being right all the time. Moi have no idea how you manage that.”
“Oh, it’s just a trick I have.” Kermit shrugged in playful imitation before hooking her arm with his. “It’s a good thing, too. If you knew how to be right all the time, you could rule the world.”
Piggy gave him a fond look before shaking out her blonde locks. “You’re right about that.”
“Of course. I always am.”
“You won’t let me forget it, will you?”
‘Nope.”
“Kermie?”
“Mmmhmm?”
“I won’t let you forget it either.”
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Animal was corralled, the band was gone, Gonzo had left, and they had located most of Piggy’s knickers and toiletries. The cursed suitcase was out of sight and out of mind on the train. Everything was set in order and Kermit and Piggy were happily losing themselves in each other’s eyes waiting for the boarding signal. Everything had been straightened away.
It came as a bit of a shock, therefore, when Fozzie approached them out of nowhere, hat in his hands, looking as though he would rather have chewed his own head off, if it were only possible, than interrupt them on their honeymoon.
At least he was somewhat apologetic about it.
“Fozzie?”
“Oh, for crying out loud!”
“Oh, oh I am so sorry to have to tell you guys this.” Warm, yet fretful, bear eyes drifted between them uncertainly as if trying to decide where to concentrate their silent pleas for mercy.
Very quickly, they decided on Kermit.
“It’s about that fancy hotel place you we’re going to stay at…”
Miss Piggy moved towards him aggressively as Fozzie skittered back a few steps. “Oh, please-” he whimpered.
Kermit stepped swiftly between his best friend and his girl. “Same old. Same old,” he said calmly, giving her a long look. If he had eyebrows to raise, he would have, though where he would have kept eyebrows was anyone’s guess.
Piggy took a breath and subsided. “Same old. Same old,” she muttered, very nearly snarling.
Kermit beamed at her and snuck in for a quick peck on the cheek, inadvertently impressing Fozzie with his daring.
“So what happened Fozzie?”
“Well, Scooter asked me to tell you that the hotel was sorta… confused about your booking.” He edged further away from Piggy who rolled her eyes.
“Relax, wouldja? I’m not gonna do anything.”
Fozzie nodded, but did not move any closer.
Kermit sighed and Piggy echoed it a moment later before turning on the charm. “Fozzie, dear, its moi’s honeymoon. It’s beautiful; it’s romantic; it’s magical!” She gave the bear a loving pat on the arm. “So, please, be a dear and tell Kermit and moi what disaster has befallen us now.”
Her loving husband stifled a laugh.
Sarcasm aside, her efforts were successful at least in prompting Fozzie to deliver his news.
“Oh, I’m just so sorry. It's just that... I guess Scooter told them that you were,” he cleared his throat, “a frog and a pig” so they sort of put you in, ah, their kennel…”
Kermit’s frustrated moan went unheard under Piggy’s outraged shriek. “What?!”
Fozzie held his hat between himself and the Pig. “Don’t shoot the messenger!”
“Where is that runt! I’m gonna-“
“Oh, he’s, uh, away right now.”
“Hiding, you mean.” Kermit said dryly.
“Exactly. Oh, but don’t worry, ‘cause boy have I got a solution for you!” Fozzie’s nerves couldn’t hold a candle to his buoyant enthusiasm.
The attempted honeymooners fixed him with identical looks of skepticism.
“You can have the honeymoon at my mom’s house. She won’t mind at all! You know the house, it’s great. Almost like that French castle… almost. You’ll have a great time!” His face fell slightly at their non-reaction. “Won’t you?”
Piggy said nothing. It was the most enthusiastic thing she was capable of at that moment.
“That’s- that’s…” Kermit took a breath of his own. “That sounds wonderful, Fozzie. Very kind of your mother to offer.”
Fozzie sighed with relief and gave Kermit a broad smile. “Oh, she doesn’t know yet. Boy, will she be excited though! Mom loves surprises.”
Piggy had yet to say a word.
“Honey?”
Beat.
“Piggy, love?”
She scraped together a painted-on smile. “Do thank your mother for us, Fozzie.”
“Oh, I will! Oh! She’ll be so happy. I’m just gonna go get your bags for you. I’ll be right back!”
They let him go.
“Oh, honey,” Kermit sighed, “I know this isn’t exactly what we planned.”
Piggy mustered another smile; this one almost reached her eyes. “As long as I’m still your girl, Kermit, I’ll be fine.”
Kermit wrapped a skinny green arm around her. “Oh, good.”
She snuggled into his embrace with a genuine smile that caused her eyes to sparkle. “Scooter, however… will have to come out of wherever he's stashed himself eventually.”
Kermit tucked his head into her neck and sighed. “Let me get after him first, will you?”
“Why should I?” she asked lazily. Kermit had slipped a warm hand to her thigh.
“Because there won’t be anything left of him once you’re through, and I want a turn too.”
“Whatever you say, darling.”
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That's all folks!
Two’s a Couple, but Muppets Come in Crowds
She felt light on her feet, lighter than air, lighter than low fat brownies even, and she was bound and determined to enjoy feeling that way.
Not that Piggy didn’t always feel light as a feather, what with her dainty girlish figure...
Uh oh, time for a little reassurance.
She stepped a little faster as they maneuvered their way through the busy train station, still keeping a firm grip on her husband’s hand. They were on their way to Chateau Frontenac, the exquisite and tres romantic hotel in Quebec to celebrate their very long awaited honeymoon.
“Kermie?”
“Yes, Piggy?”
“Am I beautiful?”
Kermit looked back, and up, at his new bride in surprise. “Of course, Piggy. You’re always beautiful. You know that... don’t you?”
She beamed at him. “Oh, yes, of course, Kermie, but, moi still likes to hear it sometimes... many times... well...”
“All the time?”
She blushed, but there was nothing but gentle affection in his question.
“Yes, Kermie.”
“I’ll try to oblige then, darling.”
It was nice, this newfound, relaxed intimacy that had sprung up between them. It was like discovering something long hidden, but always known, like being wrapped in an emotional blanket. Piggy felt safe, for what was perhaps the first time in her life, or at least, since her early childhood.
Truly, perfectly safe.
Something inside of her had given way, some grasping, choking tension had been released at last, a heavy burden finally lifted. At first, the change had manifested itself subtly. She was somewhat slower to take offense, and less likely to resort to karate to defend her honour. Over the past two years, she’d become quicker to laugh and much kinder to her collegues... well, now, she could even call them friends as well as family. It was no surprise that Kermit had noticed the shift first, but he’d kept quiet about it for the most part, except to tell her, one perfect, moonlit night, that she was becoming more herself everyday.
Piggy hadn’t understood that at first, but she did now. The diva was a solid shield against the harsh realities of show biz and the still harsher realities of life. The diva was no longer something she lived in however, though the costume still fit just fine when the weather called for it. With the unspeakable comfort of her frog by her side, she found herself more, well, herself, as Kermit had sighed into her delicately pointed ear that night.
He loved her; he really did, and now, at last, he was no longer trying to hide it.
The single most terrifying possibility in her life, that he would leave her, once and for all, was now a non-issue, and the freedom of it was electrifying and uplifting all at once.
Kermit touched her arm gently, drawing her from her musings. “Penny for your thoughts.”
She smiled and slipped an arm around his waist, still childishly delighted with his instant response. Kermit’s arms circled around her and he peered up, looking straight into her eyes and somehow letting her see his soul. This is one amazing frog, she thought, not for the first time, nor for the last. “My thoughts don’t come that cheap, Kermie, but since it’s you, I’m sure we can come to some sort of arrangement.”
“Oh, really?” His eyes lit up and he snuggled against her. “Let the negotiations begin, then.”
Piggy was all too happy to oblige, meeting his lips in a fluttering of tiny little kisses that left them both breathless and giggling.
“Enough, enough,” she broke off with a laugh, “save all that energy for later darling, you’ll need it.”
“Promise?”
“Hmm, yes, I do promise.” A sexy little growl entered her voice and Kermit ducked in for another kiss, this one more than a little heated.
“Oh, Kermie, I do have to breathe you know.”
“Are you sure?”
She sent him a scolding look then gave him a teasing pinch on the bottom. It was not a bad thing, to be married to a frog, she mused, as he jumped in surprise. Kermit has a remarkable lung capacity, and moi is all too happy to take advantage of that talent. “I’m sure, love.”
“Good.” Kermit suddenly looked over her shoulder, and she turned to see what had caught his eye. Almost immediately afterwards, she gave a little start that melted into a giggle as she turned back to face him.
He gave her a look as innocent as the day he was born. “What?”
Piggy laughed and gave him a quick smooch. They gushed at each other for a few more minutes, causing passersby to either smile and giggle or roll their eyes, depending largely on the state of their own romantic lives. The lovebirds… um, so to speak, saw none of it, too wrapped up in each other to care about such niggling details like where they were or who was watching them.
Eventually, it penetrated their minds that they were in an extremely public space and that if they wanted to get to a private space, they’d have to get moving.
“They said we could pick up the train passes at the desk and baggage handling is…” Kermit scanned the crowded hall quickly. “…over there. Which one do you want to do?”
Piggy gave him a pointed look.
Ever the gentlefrog, Kermit continued without hesitation. “Okay, if you want to wait in line, I’ll get our bags to where they’re going, which is hopefully the same place we’re going.” He picked up his suitcase with ease and then approached Piggy’s. She had brought only one piece of luggage at his insistence… but it was a doozy.
Piggy’s suitcase looked like a steel reinforced army surplus howitzer crate that could stop a tank from getting in if the commander inside required lacy undergarments in the middle of a combat zone. Um… it could happen. It was also all over purple, Piggy’s favorite colour. Kermit looked at it bleakly.
“Um… ah!” Her frog cheered up instantly when he saw that there were wheels on the bottom of the thing to, presumably, make things easier. She made no move towards the counter, staying to watch her husband tackle this particular problem. He gave her a confident, “don’t worry, I can handle this, you run along like a good little wife” wave and she smiled sweetly at him in return.
Oh, my love, you should know better by now.
He grasped the handle and hooked the tow line over his shoulder but before he could start to pull on it, Piggy intervened. “Mon Capitan, vous are so much better at dealing with people then moi, who is simply too much for them to handle. Would vous mind terribly if moi handled our bags while vous deal with the public?”
Kermit looked at her and her smile. He tried valiantly not to look relieved. Piggy in turn, did not lose a single watt of her thousand-watt smile. “If it makes you happy…”
“Oh, it does,” she cooed. I want you in one piece for our honeymoon!
Reprieved, Kermit trundled off to the Ticket Booth having escaped years of physical therapy… for now. Piggy gave him a long, loving look that he didn’t catch and turned back to her anti-tank suitcase.
“Oh, Chester…” she sighed, giving it a fond pat. Then, a flash of red caught her eye.
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As he waited patiently in line, a stirring of movement in the crowd drew his attention. A familiar hat stood out from the crowd.
“It can’t be...”
The hat disappeared before he could confirm his first impression.
Shortly thereafter, Kermit arrived at the counter and forgot all about it. Quickly he picked up their ordered tickets and started to make his way back through the crowd towards Piggy.
A well-known voice slipped through the din.
“Like, I am rully sorry about this, but have you seen our way cool drummer around anywhere?”
“Janice?”
It had to be Janice. It had to be.
Kermit used his long experience of crowd control to weave his way towards where the words had come from, but when he finally arrived, there was no sign of the owner of that mellow voice.
“What the hey?” He asked no one in particular. With a puzzled shake of his head, Kermit resumed his meandering course towards Piggy.
When he found her, she was sitting on her suitcase with a pensive expression on her face. He immediately started to worry, but further inspection revealed the fresh beginnings of annoyance.
“Piggy, what’s-”
She didn’t look over at him. “I think I saw Floyd,” Piggy said flatly, dropping her faux French without thought as she scanned the crowd.
Kermit nodded. “I think I heard Janice… and I might have seen Dr. Teeth.”
His new wife launched herself off her very solid luggage and began pacing. “What are they doing here now?” He moved to soothe her but her eyes flashed angrily. “It’s our honeymoon! They shouldn’t be here.”
He took Piggy by the arm and started gently tracing her gloved hand in a movement that never failed to affect her. “I think they know that. I think they’re trying to avoid us.”
Piggy continued to frown, but she spoke wistfully. “Can’t I get you all to myself ever? Even just for a little while?”
Kermit smiled and gave her hand a squeeze. “You’ve got me; you have… but, we’ve also got… us.” He chuckled softly at his little joke, but it did nothing for her mood.
“Kermit, if you break into song right now I swear-”
Click!
The flash of the camera caught them totally off guard. In an instant, Kermit found himself mowed over by Hurricane Piggy, who was not in any mood for illicit photographers after honeymoon dirt. She was evidently a much better tracker than he was because by the time he managed to get to his feet, Piggy reappeared out of the masses dragging their camera man who was writhing in no little bit of pain.
Writhing, and loving it.
“Gonzo?!” Kermit exclaimed, dumbfounded. “What on earth are you doing here?”
To give the Whatever he was credit, Gonzo did try to answer.
“Piggy honey, it’s just Gonzo. Let him go.”
She gave Kermit a look of pure venom, but he didn’t take it personally. Piggy was vehemently protective of their relationship, had been even before he was willing to acknowledge one, so their marriage, and their honeymoon were sacred things… and Gonzo had trespassed… for reasons Kermit could only guess at, unless Piggy let go of him.
“Don’t do him any favours, Piggy.” Kermit said quietly, changing tactics.
She scowled at her prisoner’s obvious ecstasy, and with an unhappy growl slammed him violently into the ground.
“Shoulda held out longer, Kermit!” Gonzo cheered. “I only saw part of my life flash before my nose!”
Piggy kicked him savagely then turned to Kermit, visibly boiling. “I need to get a sip of water. Can I trust you not to let this weirdo get away… or if he does… to keep him away?” This last part was snarled into Gonzo’s face before Piggy stomped away through a crowd that parted quickly before her.
Not particularly enthused about Gonzo’s unexpected presence himself, Kermit held out a hand and pulled his odd friend off the floor.
“Wowee, you’re a lucky frog, Kermit. She’s wild! She inflicted pain in places I didn’t even know I had!”
Piggy’s brand-spanking new husband did not particularly appreciate hearing that.
“Gonzo,” he complained, “What are you doing here? What is everyone doing here?”
He did not care for the Whatever’s response. “Ah, that’s a good point. What are any of us doing here? That’s a profound question that can only be answered by-”
“Gonzo!” Enough of Kermit’s buttons had been pushed and he launched into arm-waving hysterics. “When I say, “What are you doing here?” I don’t mean, “What are you doing here, in this life, on this planet, or on this plane of existence!” I mean, “what are you doing here, now, in this train station, at this moment, in this here! Not any other here! Do you hear me?”
“Do I here you?” Gonzo repeated, confused.
Kermit let out a short scream of frustration and buried his head in his hands. After a moment of rapid breathing he managed to find his composure again, and dragged it out of the dark, quiet place where it had scurried.
“Why,” he tried again, “are you here at the train station, when you know, that Piggy and I are trying to get away to be alone together?”
Gonzo perked up and put a friendly arm around Kermit’s shoulders. “Well, to give you my best, of course!”
Kermit stared at him for a long moment, glad that he didn’t know karate and yet, just a little regretful that he didn’t know karate.
He missed Piggy.
“Okay. Thank you. Now, if I could ask another question?”
“Sure, go ahead.”
“Why did you sneak up on us, and take a picture of us… on our honeymoon?”
Gonzo gave him a look that said more eloquently than words that he thought the answer should be obvious. “Because I though you two might want a souvenir, of course.”
Kermit’s voice dropped into a preternatural calm. “Ah,” he said. “Gonzo. Piggy and I do not want you to take photos of us right now. We want to be alone. Together. ON OUR HONEYMOON!!!”
The little frog again panted for air as Gonzo watched him in some concern.
“Are you alright, Kermit?”
“Yes. I am fine.” Kermit replied woodenly, wondering if he was going to make it to Quebec. “Thank you, Gonzo. I understand why you are here now. So, why are the others here?”
“What others?” Gonzo asked innocently, before quickly pulling away from the befuddled frog. “Oh, hey, Camilla!”
How he’d spotted the chicken, Kermit didn’t want to know.
“Listen Kermit, we’ve gotta go. But anyway, it’s been great seeing you. Have a good time honeymooning, oh, and give Piggy our love. Coming Camilla!”
Kermit watched them disappear into the milling bodies. He was settled on Piggy’s suitcase when she returned.
“You let him get away!” she accused, though she sounded more miffed than furious.
“I don’t think he’s coming back. He and Camilla send their love.”
“Lovely.”
“Yeah.”
“Isn’t that, Zoot?”
“Yep.”
“If Gonzo left, why are they still here?!” she kept her voice down, but her frustration was clear.
“I have no idea.”
Piggy frowned at him, troubled. “You sound… relaxed. What’s wrong?”
Kermit shrugged. “I’ve decided to be calm,” he said calmly. “I’m just gonna let it all roll over me.”
Piggy folded her arms. “That’s not how I do things!” she proclaimed with enough volume for her words to act as a threat to any lost sheep within earshot.
Her zen-like hubby smiled peaceably. “I know. I like that about you. Piggy. Did you know there’s something moving inside your suitcase?”
Her mouth fell open. “Wha-?”
“That’s what I thought. Floyd’s over there, trying not to notice me noticing him. Would you be a dear and grab him?”
For the first time in some time, Piggy smiled. “Of course, Mon Capitan,” she said sweetly, before her voice plunged into a growl. “It would be moi’s pleasure!”
In a minute, Kermit knew she’d been successful.
“Whoa! Hey, man, I’m being pork-knapped here! Watch the threads!” Piggy returned energetically dragging Floyd Pepper by his jacket. She released him to Kermit.
“Heigh-ho, Floyd.”
“Uh, hey there little froggy dude. How goes the nuptials?”
“They seem to be a bit stalled at the moment. Have you got something to tell us?”
Floyd, coolest of the cool, shifted uncomfortably. “We have a little situation goin’ down.”
“Do tell,” Piggy cooed when he didn’t continue right away. Soon the other members of the Electric Mayhem had come out of the woodwork.
There was one notable member in absentia.
“Floyd, where’s Animal?” Kermit asked conversationally enough that the musicians knew the frog meant business.
They also knew that Piggy always meant business.
Floyd turned his head towards her briefly, than muttered, “In the crate, mate.”
Piggy’s eyes threatened to pop out of her head. “What?!”
“He like, got loose again, Mr. Kermit, sir.” Janice spoke up, contrite. “It was Beauregard who spotted him getting into Miss Piggy’s suitcase, but he totally didn’t tell anyone until you we’re already gone.”
Piggy was already hauling at the latches, muttering darkly. Kermit slid wordlessly off of it and out of her way.
“Why didn’t you just tell us?”
When no one else spoke up, Lips murmured, “We didn’t want to ruin your romanticizing.”
Kermit sighed. “All the sneaking around, really didn’t help things any, guys.” But Kermit’s voice had taken on more of its usual chipper tone and they relaxed, knowing he’d forgiven them.
Piggy, who was a different story altogether, sprung the last latch.
With a wild cry, Animal leapt out of the case, sending Piggy’s personal affects flying and knocking the raging lady pig to the floor.
“HO-NEY-MOON! AH HA HA HA!” he laughed, non the worse for wear for all his imprisonment.
Torn between desire for revenge and embarrassment at having her things scattered all over for the world to see, Piggy started scooping up her Nice and Lacies and whipping them at Animal. “You’re gonna pay for this, you crazy-”
“WO-MAN! WO-MAN!”
“You’ve got that right!” Piggy cried, and chopped him hard enough to send him flying back over the suitcase to land at Floyd’s feet.
“Hey, you found him!” Floyd observed, happy to have their drummer back.”
Animal was still holding onto a skimpy bit of negligee and Floyd, obviously hoping for some sort of peace offering tried to extricate it. Unfortunately, it turned into a hideously embarrassing tug-of-war. Kermit did his best to smooth things over by helping Piggy repack, distracting her at least a little bit from the circus of underwear that was being held at the train station big top. Dr. Teeth and Zoot moved to assist the recovery efforts as well, but Piggy was significantly less than grateful, slapping their hands way violently with furious shouts.
At last, Floyd managed to take back the lingerie from Animal. Wisely, he gave it to Kermit to ensure his continued groovy existence. The Electric Mayhem departed quickly there after, taking most of the gawkers with them.
Kermit sidled back over to his wife who was getting ready to close up her violated suitcase.
“You forgot this,” he said softly, holding up the silky thing, and getting a good look at it as he did so.
Piggy stashed it away quickly and firmly re-latched the bulky thing. She gave it a careful kick for good measure, then sat on top of it and buried her face in her hands.
After giving her a moment, Kermit hopped up beside her and gave her a leaning sort of hug. "It wasn’t that bad."
She shook her head and he was dismayed to hear the liquid quaver of unshed tears. "But it's our honeymoon.. and Animal was in moi’s suitcase!"
He pulled her closer. “Well, I know that, honey, but it's- it's always kinda like this when I go away. Just try to be patient, okay? It’s over and done with now." He smiled sweetly at her... and it suddenly occurred to Piggy that her frog was in far too good a mood.
She pulled her hands away and looked blearily at him. "You... did you plan this?"
"What?"
"These.. this.... all this!"
"Don't be silly, Piggy. How could you plan anything with these guys? I have been trying for years, in fact, as you well know."
She gave him a searching look... he seemed sincere enough, but he always did.
"I want to believe you, Kermie." Her voice took on a dangerous edge, hurt shifting quicksilver to fury as it so often did with her. "And you want me to believe you too." Kermit frowned slightly, trying to figure out how he had just gotten in trouble here.
"Oh, my goodness!" Piggy exclaimed in alarm, alarming Kermit still further. "Is this a joke? A phoney honeymoon?!" A suspicious look crossed her face. "I thought that minister looked a little too much like a minister! That was a phony wedding! Oh, it all makes sense now."
Kermit tried to stutter out something soothing, but she was moving too fast for the sound to catch up with her ears. Piggy launched off the suitcase.
"When we're you gonna tell me about this?! During our honeymoon?"
Things we’re definitely getting out of control.
Scandal suddenly burst across her face. "Or... or after?! Kermit! How could you?!" She snagged him by the throat and dragged him to her face with a disturbing lack of effort. "Just what kind of girl do you think I am?!"
Kermit froze, toes barely reaching the ground while shocking blue eyes drilled into him, awaiting his answer. So he gave the only one he could, the only one he had.
"Mine."
Piggy let him go instantly, but she didn’t let him go far. “I’m your girl?”
Kermit swallowed, recovering. “Of course, Piggy. Only for always.”
“So, um, all of this really was just…” She made a vague gesture as her words failed her.
He echoed the gesture. “Same old. Same old.”
“Oh. Well, good,” she said softly.
Kermit caught her chin and tilted it towards him. “You can trust me, you know.”
Piggy blinked rapidly and tried to keep her breathing steady.
“I know,” she managed at last. “I do know.”
Satisfied, Kermit smiled and brushed her lips gently with his own before looking around to find their baggage.
Piggy watched him walk away a few steps before reaching out and tugging him back to her side, her face set in that fiercely tender look only she could pull off.
“I’m on you side, you know, for always,” she whispered urgently, needing him to know.
“Oh, you are, huh?” He rubbed his throat pointedly, but his eyes were glittering.
“Yes… I am. I’m always on your side.”
“Even when we argue?”
Piggy’s eyes lit up with mirth, but when she spoke it was with great deliberateness. “Yes, even when we argue. I’m on your side, Kermit.” Then she shrugged easily and gave him a glance so haughty she could have patented it. “It comes from you being right all the time. Moi have no idea how you manage that.”
“Oh, it’s just a trick I have.” Kermit shrugged in playful imitation before hooking her arm with his. “It’s a good thing, too. If you knew how to be right all the time, you could rule the world.”
Piggy gave him a fond look before shaking out her blonde locks. “You’re right about that.”
“Of course. I always am.”
“You won’t let me forget it, will you?”
‘Nope.”
“Kermie?”
“Mmmhmm?”
“I won’t let you forget it either.”
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Animal was corralled, the band was gone, Gonzo had left, and they had located most of Piggy’s knickers and toiletries. The cursed suitcase was out of sight and out of mind on the train. Everything was set in order and Kermit and Piggy were happily losing themselves in each other’s eyes waiting for the boarding signal. Everything had been straightened away.
It came as a bit of a shock, therefore, when Fozzie approached them out of nowhere, hat in his hands, looking as though he would rather have chewed his own head off, if it were only possible, than interrupt them on their honeymoon.
At least he was somewhat apologetic about it.
“Fozzie?”
“Oh, for crying out loud!”
“Oh, oh I am so sorry to have to tell you guys this.” Warm, yet fretful, bear eyes drifted between them uncertainly as if trying to decide where to concentrate their silent pleas for mercy.
Very quickly, they decided on Kermit.
“It’s about that fancy hotel place you we’re going to stay at…”
Miss Piggy moved towards him aggressively as Fozzie skittered back a few steps. “Oh, please-” he whimpered.
Kermit stepped swiftly between his best friend and his girl. “Same old. Same old,” he said calmly, giving her a long look. If he had eyebrows to raise, he would have, though where he would have kept eyebrows was anyone’s guess.
Piggy took a breath and subsided. “Same old. Same old,” she muttered, very nearly snarling.
Kermit beamed at her and snuck in for a quick peck on the cheek, inadvertently impressing Fozzie with his daring.
“So what happened Fozzie?”
“Well, Scooter asked me to tell you that the hotel was sorta… confused about your booking.” He edged further away from Piggy who rolled her eyes.
“Relax, wouldja? I’m not gonna do anything.”
Fozzie nodded, but did not move any closer.
Kermit sighed and Piggy echoed it a moment later before turning on the charm. “Fozzie, dear, its moi’s honeymoon. It’s beautiful; it’s romantic; it’s magical!” She gave the bear a loving pat on the arm. “So, please, be a dear and tell Kermit and moi what disaster has befallen us now.”
Her loving husband stifled a laugh.
Sarcasm aside, her efforts were successful at least in prompting Fozzie to deliver his news.
“Oh, I’m just so sorry. It's just that... I guess Scooter told them that you were,” he cleared his throat, “a frog and a pig” so they sort of put you in, ah, their kennel…”
Kermit’s frustrated moan went unheard under Piggy’s outraged shriek. “What?!”
Fozzie held his hat between himself and the Pig. “Don’t shoot the messenger!”
“Where is that runt! I’m gonna-“
“Oh, he’s, uh, away right now.”
“Hiding, you mean.” Kermit said dryly.
“Exactly. Oh, but don’t worry, ‘cause boy have I got a solution for you!” Fozzie’s nerves couldn’t hold a candle to his buoyant enthusiasm.
The attempted honeymooners fixed him with identical looks of skepticism.
“You can have the honeymoon at my mom’s house. She won’t mind at all! You know the house, it’s great. Almost like that French castle… almost. You’ll have a great time!” His face fell slightly at their non-reaction. “Won’t you?”
Piggy said nothing. It was the most enthusiastic thing she was capable of at that moment.
“That’s- that’s…” Kermit took a breath of his own. “That sounds wonderful, Fozzie. Very kind of your mother to offer.”
Fozzie sighed with relief and gave Kermit a broad smile. “Oh, she doesn’t know yet. Boy, will she be excited though! Mom loves surprises.”
Piggy had yet to say a word.
“Honey?”
Beat.
“Piggy, love?”
She scraped together a painted-on smile. “Do thank your mother for us, Fozzie.”
“Oh, I will! Oh! She’ll be so happy. I’m just gonna go get your bags for you. I’ll be right back!”
They let him go.
“Oh, honey,” Kermit sighed, “I know this isn’t exactly what we planned.”
Piggy mustered another smile; this one almost reached her eyes. “As long as I’m still your girl, Kermit, I’ll be fine.”
Kermit wrapped a skinny green arm around her. “Oh, good.”
She snuggled into his embrace with a genuine smile that caused her eyes to sparkle. “Scooter, however… will have to come out of wherever he's stashed himself eventually.”
Kermit tucked his head into her neck and sighed. “Let me get after him first, will you?”
“Why should I?” she asked lazily. Kermit had slipped a warm hand to her thigh.
“Because there won’t be anything left of him once you’re through, and I want a turn too.”
“Whatever you say, darling.”
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That's all folks!
