TMS Script - Valerie Bertinelli! (by Gorgon Heap & kathy26)

Gorgon Heap

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Before her cookbooks and shows on Food Network, before she was "Hot in Cleveland", Valerie Bertinelli was the popular star of the Norman Lear sitcom "One Day at a Time" as wisecracking good girl Barbara Cooper. She received so much fan mail that the studio could barely keep up. Submitted for your approval:

"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Valerie Bertinelli! YAY!"


SPECIAL GUEST STAR: VALERIE BERTINELLI

STYLE: EARLY SEASON THREE (circa Gilda Radner, Pearl Bailey)

COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks and enters.

Scooter: “Valerie Bertinelli! 30 seconds to curtain, Valerie!”

Valerie (loud whisper): “Shh! Scooter, hold it down!”

Scooter: “I'm sorry. What's wrong?”

Valerie: “Look.”

(She points to a bear sleeping in the corner.)

Scooter: “That's a bear!”

Valerie: “I know it's a bear! What's it doing in my dressing room?”

Scooter: “Oh, well uh, it looks like he's hibernating. I'll go get Kermit. Gee, I wonder what he was looking for.”

Valerie (recoils): “Probably breakfast.”

Scooter: “No, don't worry! I'm sure you're perfectly safe.”

(Scooter exits. Valerie calls after him.)

Valerie: “If it was FOZZIE Bear, I'd feel perfectly safe. As it is -- wha!”

(She turns to find herself face to face with the bear, now wide awake.)

Bear: “I'm sorry I startled you, Miss Bertinelli. You see, I came up here to get your autograph for my son. He's a big fan!”

Valerie: “Oh! Sure. What’s his name?”

Bear: “Billy.”
(aside, to the camera)
“Actually, he's a junior.”

(Valerie signs the autograph and hands it over.)

Bear: “Thanks! Say, would you like to come over to our cave for dinner?”

Valerie (guarded): “Maybe, what are you having?”

Bear: “Porridge.”

(Valerie smiles at the camera.)

Valerie: “I might have guessed that.”

(She and the bear laugh.)

OPENING THEME:
BACKSTAGE: Scooter speaks into the intercom.

Scooter: “Stand by to cue the Muppets!”

Fozzie: “Hey, Scooter!”

(Pull back to reveal Dr. Teeth, Bunsen, Uncle Deadly, the Goat, and a Penguin (Winky Pinkerton) on a giant letter ‘Q’.)

Fozzie: “Hah.”

(The Muppets chuckle. Scooter shakes his head.)

GONZO TRUMPET GAG: Gonzo's trumpet inflates a balloon, which deflates back through the trumpet and into Gonzo’s throat.

Gonzo (squeaky voiced from the helium in the balloon):
“What was the point of --”

(He realizes, covers his mouth, and rushes off.)

CURTAIN: Kermit enters.

Kermit: “Thank you! Thank you! And welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, our guest star tonight is one of the brightest young stars of television, Miss Valerie Bertinelli! But first! Why take a slow boat to China, when you can sit back and ignore this?”

OPENING NUMBER: “Fan Tan Fannie” – Annie Sue sings in an ancient Chinese set, and introduces Fan Tan Fannie.


Annie Sue (singing): “Fan Tan Fannie was leaving her man,
Fan Tan Fannie kept waving her fan,
Said "Goodbye, Danny, you two-timing Dan,
Some other man loves your little Fannie, Bye Bye!"
In the ice box, you'll find in a can
Some leftovers of Moo Goo Gai Pan.
Fan Tan Fannie has found a new guy.
His name is Manny,
He's good for Fannie,
So goodbye Danny,
Goodbye!

(speaking)
“And now, here she is, the lady herself, Fan Tan Fannie!”

(Piggy enters in an ancient Chinese outfit as Fan Tan Fannie.)

Piggy: “I’m Fan Tan Fannie, I’m leaving my man,

(The male (chauvinist) pigs leer and chortle.)

Piggy: “Fan Tan Fannie, I’m waving my fan,
Said "Goodbye, Danny, you two-timing Dan,


(A male pig approaches Piggy.)

Piggy: “Some other man loves your little Fannie, Bye Bye!"

(She karate chops him.)

Piggy: “In the ice box, you'll find in a can --”

(Another male pig approaches, and starts cozying up to Piggy.)

Piggy: “Some leftovers of Moo Goo Gai Pan.

(She karate chops him, sending him across the stage and into the set, knocking down a piece of it.)

Piggy: “Fan Tan Fannie has found a new guy.

(With each line, she shoves another male pig into another piece of the set, knocking down props and set dressings.)

Piggy: “His name is Manny,
He's good for Fannie,
So goodbye Danny,
Goodbye!


(Instrumental break. Another group of chorus pigs enters in a Chinese dragon costume, clumsily maneuvering and also wrecking the set. At the end, Piggy bumps into a stone statue.)

Piggy: “Ow! Who put that stupid thing there?!”

Annie Sue: “Miss Piggy, ma’am! That’s a Chinese lion dog statue. It’s supposed to call forth an ancient guardian!”

Piggy: “Ridiculous! Ancient guardian!”

(DogLion Beast, clad in ancient Chinese garb, smashes through the back wall of the set.)

DogLion: “You called?”

(Piggy screams and runs away, leaving Annie Sue and DogLion to take the bows.)

Waldorf: “Well, what did you think of that?”

Statler: “I don’t know. That Annie Sue is a peach, but that Miss Piggy has a terrible temper.”

Waldorf: “I know what you mean, I can’t stand sweet and sour pork, either!”

(S & W laugh.)

BACKSTAGE: Piggy and the pigs enter.

Kermit: “Way to go, pigs! Piggy, I loved it.”

Piggy: “Thank you, Kermie! You know, I’ve always wanted to practice wushu martial arts.”

Kermit: “Better to practice wushu martial arts than mushu pork.”

(Kermit chuckles to himself. Piggy glowers over him.)

Piggy: “You’re asking for it, Frog.”

(Piggy exits. Robin enters.)

Robin: “Hi, Uncle Kermit! Hey, I want to thank you for letting me do a song on tonight’s show!”

Kermit: “Oh, you’re welcome, Robin. I’m glad we finally found a compromise on the song!”

Robin: “Yeah, I can’t believe you wanted me to sing “On the Good Ship Lollipop”! Yecch!”

Kermit: “Well, I can’t believe you wanted to sing “Being Alive”. Talk about a song that’s too mature for you. But at least “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” --”

Both: “-- is a classic.”

Robin: “I know. Say, when do I go on?”

Kermit: “Well, let’s see: next we have the guest star spot, then Muppet Labs, and then you.”

Robin: “Oh, great! Who’s the guest star?”

Kermit: “Uh, Valerie Bertinelli.”

(Robin does a take, shocked.)

Robin: “Valerie Bertinelli?! Sigh!”

(Robin faints.)

Kermit: “Robin?”
(aside, to the camera)
“I think it’s gonna be one of those shows.”

CURTAIN: Kermit enters.

Kermit: “Our guest star tonight is an accomplished actress and comedienne on television, and here she is to add another accomplishment, ladies and gentlemen, Valerie Bertinelli!”

SONG: “Swinging on a Star” – Valerie sings on a set with a blue-lit moon and stars backdrop.


Valerie: “Would you like to swing on a star,
Carry moonbeams home in a jar,
And be better off than you are
--”

(Leroy the Donkey enters.)

Valerie: “Or would you rather be a mule?

Leroy: “I feel like a *******.”

Valerie: “A mule is an animal with long funny ears.
He kicks up at anything he hears.
His back is brawny but his brain is weak.
He's just plain stupid with a stubborn streak


Valerie & Leroy: “And by the way, if you hate to go to school --”

Valerie: “It’s just a song, you know.”

Valerie & Leroy: “You may grow up to be a mule.

(Leroy exits.)

Valerie: “Or would you like to swing on a star
Carry moonbeams home in a jar
And be better off than you are
--”

(Hoggie Marsh enters.)

Valerie: “Or would you rather be a pig?

Hoggie: “Hmmph!”

Valerie: “A pig is an animal with dirt on his face
His shoes are a terrible disgrace.


(Hoggie looks at his feet.)

Hoggie: “These are my best loafers.”

Valerie: “He has no manners when he eats his food.
He's fat and lazy and extremely rude.


Valerie & Hoggie: “But if you don't care a feather or a fig --”

Hoggie (aside, calling offstage): “Who wrote this, anyway?”

Valerie: “You may grow up to be a pig.

Hoggie: “So you say!”

(Hoggie exits.)

Valerie: “Or would you like to swing on a star,
Carry moonbeams home in a jar,
And be better off than you are
--”

(A yellow fish (from “Lullaby of Broadway”) enters.)

Valerie: “Or would you rather be a fish?
A fish won't do anything, but swim in a brook.
He can't write his name or read a book.


Fish: “I would, but the pages get wet!”

Valerie: “To fool the people is his only thought,
And though he's slippery, he still gets caught!


Valerie & Fish: “But then if that sort of life is what you wish --”

Fish: “Sounds good to me!”

(Fish exits. Quongo the Gorilla enters.)

Valerie: “You may grow up to be a fish.

Valerie & Quongo: “And all the monkeys aren't in the zoo.
Every day you meet quite a few.
So, you see it's all up to you.


Valerie: “You can be better than you are.
You could be swingin' on a star --


Quongo (calling offstage): “Big finish!”

(The other animals enter.)

ALL: “You could be swingin’ on a star!

(APPLAUSE. Hoggie nods in satisfaction. Valerie pets Leroy and Quongo. The Fish takes several bows.)

Waldorf: “Would you like to swing on a star?”

Statler: “No.”

(Statler turns into a pig.)

Waldorf: “I see you’d rather hog the spotlight! Ah ha ha!”

(Statler pig scowls.)

BACKSTAGE: Robin stares in the direction of the stage.

Robin: “Wow, I can’t believe Valerie Bertinelli is really here! Uncle Kermit, she’s just as lovely up close as she is on television!”

Kermit: “Why Robin, it sounds like you have a little crush on Valerie.”

Robin: “A little crush?! Did Anthony have a little crush on Cleopatra? Did Romeo have a little crush on Juliet? Did --”

Kermit: “Okay! Okay, I get the picture! Sheesh.”

Robin: “Aw, but what can I say to her to make her like me?”

Kermit: “Why don't you say what I always say? “You know what happens if you kiss a frog: he'll turn into a handsome prince.”

Robin: “Yuck! Oh, Uncle Kermit, that line is so old it should have a long, gray beard!”

Kermit: “Okay, forget it!”

(Kermit leaves. Robin calls after him.)

Robin: “She’d never fall for that ancient line!”

(Valerie enters, signing an autograph for Hoggie Marsh.)

Valerie: “And what’s your son’s name?”

Hoggie: “Ham.”
(aside, to the camera)
“Short for ‘Hamilton’.”

Valerie: “There you go.”

Hoggie: “Thanks! Say, would you like to come to our house for dinner?”

Valerie: “Maybe. What are you having?”

Hoggie: “Swill stroganoff.”

(Valerie tries to hide her disgust.)

Valerie: “I’ll pass, but thank you for the invitation.”

(Hoggie exits.)

Valerie:
(aside, to the camera, grimacing)
“Swill stroganoff?”

(Valerie winces. Robin enters.)

Robin: “Um, hi Valerie!”

Valerie: “Hello, Robin!”

Robin: “Say, I just loved your number.”

Valerie: “Aw, thanks. I enjoyed that, too.”

Robin: “Say, speaking of fairy tales...”

Valerie: “Were we speaking of fairy tales?”

Robin: “Anyway, do you know what happens if you kiss a frog?”

Valerie: “I'll get warts?”

Robin: “No, I’ll turn into -– that is, he’ll turn into a handsome prince!”

Valerie: “Robin, are you trying to get me to kiss you?”

Robin: “Oh, no! I mean, well, uh, that is...”

(Scooter enters.)

Scooter: “Excuse me, Valerie, they need you in wardrobe.”

Valerie: “Oh, thank you, Scooter!”
(to Robin)
“Robin, I’ve got to run. I’ll see you later, kiddo!”

(She exits.)

Robin: “’Kiddo’? Aw, rats.”

Scooter: “What’s wrong, Robin?”

Robin: “Aw, Scooter, I REALLY like Valerie and I REALLY want her to like me. But she thinks I’m just a kid.”

Scooter: “I see what you mean. After all, Valerie is beautiful!”

Robin: “Yeah.”

Scooter: “Not to mention, a big star!”

Robin: “I know.”

Scooter: “I’m sure she gets a lot of attention everywhere she goes --”

Robin: “I get it! I get it. What can I do to get her attention?”

Scooter: “Well, you’d probably have to do something drastic, like paint yourself green!”
(off Robin’s scowl)
“Oh. Right.”

MUPPET LABS: Open on a shot of the background. Dissolve to Bunsen in the foreground, handling a ray gun like he’s unsure of which end is which. He stops when he looks up and sees the audience.

Bunsen: “Oh! Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today. Well, gee willikers, have I got some news to turn your head: Muppets’ all-new vegetarian ray. Have you ever been on a diet but found yourself turning from healthy vegetables back to unhealthy snacks? Or what about attempting a vegetarian lifestyle but finding yourself tempted by a steak dinner? Well, no more of that. With just one zap of this vegetarian ray, you’ll crave nothing but wholesome vegetables, as my assistant Beaker will now demonstrate.”

(Beaker enters, carrying a basket of vegetables and turning his nose up at it.)

Bunsen: “Beaker, you would just love to demonstrate this vegetarian ray, wouldn’t you?”

Beaker: “Hmmph!”

Bunsen: “Why, Beaker.”

(Beaker reaches under the table and pulls out a hot fudge sundae.)

Bunsen: “Oh, Beakie, that’s a hot fudge sundae! You don’t want that, do you?”

(Beaker nods ‘yes’ and starts eating it.)

Bunsen: “Well, enjoy this last look, folks, for in a moment, Beaker will turn his nose up at that hot fudge sundae in favor of those yummy vegetables!”

(Beaker shrieks for Bunsen to stop, waving his hands.)

Bunsen: “Oh, Beaker! It’s just a vegetarian ray, nothing else can happen!”

(Bunsen zaps Beaker, on whom rabbit ears and buck teeth spontaneously appear. Beaker feels around at the changes.)

Bunsen: “Well, unless I have the dial set too high.”

(Beaker picks up a mirror and shrieks, pointing at his head. He sighs, then notices the food on the table. He looks at the hot fudge sundae with curiosity, then shrieks with joy at the sight of the vegetables. Looking back at the sundae, he pushes it off the table, and starts chowing down on the vegetables.)

Bunsen: “An overwhelming success! Okay, Beaker, now to change you back.”

(Beaker protests as Bunsen aims the ray gun at him. Beaker picks up the mirror and holds it up, reflecting the ray gun blast back at Bunsen, on whom rabbit ears and buck teeth also spontaneously appear.)

Bunsen: “Oh! Oh, dear.”

(He picks up the mirror and sees what happened. Then he jumps at the sight of the vegetables.)

Bunsen: “Uh, that’s all today from Muppet Labs. This is Dr. Bunsen Honeydew --”

Beaker: “Meep!”

Bunsen: “... or Dr. Hunsen Bunnydew, signing off!”

(They chow down together on the vegetables.)

Waldorf: “I thought that act was pure gold!”

Statler: “Really?!”

Waldorf: “Sure! It had 24 carrots!”

(S & W laugh.)

CURTAIN: Kermit enters.

Kermit: “And now, here to sing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” --”
(to unseen stagehand)
“Is he ready?”

Stagehand (O.S.): “Ready for what?”

Kermit: “To sing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”.”

Stagehand (O.S.): “If you say so, Frog!”

Robin (O.S.): “I’m ready, just introduce me!”

Kermit: “Here he is, my nephew, Robin.”

SONG: “It Hurts to Be in Love” – Robin sings, backed by three frogs dressed as go-go dancers.


Robin & the girl Frogs: “It hurts to be in love,
When the only one you love
--”

Robin: “Turns out to be --”

Robin & the girl Frogs: “-- someone who's not in love with you.”

Robin: “It hurts to love her so
When deep down inside you know
She will never
--”

Robin & the girl Frogs: “-- want you, no matter what you do.”

Robin: “And, so you cry a little bit --”

Girl Frogs: “-- to be in love.

Robin: “Oh, die a little bit --”

Girl Frogs: “-- to be in love.

Robin: “Day and night, night and day,

Robin & the girl Frogs: “It hurts to be in love this way!

Robin: “How long can I exist,
Wanting lips I've never kissed?
She gives all her
--”

Robin & the girl Frogs: “-- kisses to somebody else.

Robin: “She thinks I'm just a friend
Though it hurts, I must pretend
The only way to
--”

Robin & the girl Frogs: “-- keep her, is to keep it to myself.

Robin: “And so I cry a little bit --”

Girl Frogs: “-- to be in love.

Robin: “Oh, I die a little bit --”

Girl Frogs: “-- to be in love.

Robin: “Day and night, night and day,

Robin & the girl Frogs: “It hurts to be in love this way!

(Instrumental break. Kermit watches from the wings, shaking his head. Valerie enters.)

Kermit: “I don’t know why he always does this to me.”

Valerie: “Hi, Kermit!”

Kermit: “Oh, hi Valerie.”

Valerie: “I didn’t know Robin had a song on tonight’s show!”

Kermit: “Yeah, but not the one we planned.”

Valerie: “Afraid he’s gonna croak on stage, huh?”

(Valerie chuckles. Kermit scowls. Valerie looks embarrassed.)

Robin: “And so I cry a little bit --”

Girl Frogs: “-- to be in love.

Robin: “Oh, I die a little bit --”

Girl Frogs: “-- to be in love.

Robin: “Day and night, night and day,

Robin & the girl Frogs: “It hurts to be in love this way!

Robin: “It hurts to be in love,

Robin & the girl Frogs: “-- day and night, night and day.

Robin: “It hurts to be in love,

Robin & the girl Frogs: “-- day and night, night and day.

(APPLAUSE.)

(Robin joins Kermit in the wings.)

Robin: “Hey, Uncle Kermit!”

Kermit: “Robin! That was not the song we agreed to.”

Robin: “I’m sorry, Uncle Kermit. But hey, I saw Valerie watching from the wings!”

Kermit: “That’s true.”

Robin: “Did she say anything?”

Kermit: “Yes, she said your number was, and these were her exact words, “so cute”.”

Robin: “Aw, rats.”

(FADE OUT.)

UK SPOT: “Song of the Sewer” – a Whatnot Sewer Worker (from “Lullaby of Broadway”) sings in a sewer with a chorus of Whatnot sewer workers.


Sewer Worker: “I work in the sewer, it's a very hard job
You know they don't hire just any old slob
You don't have to wear a tie or a coat
--”
(speaking)
“You just have to know how to float.”

ALL: “We sing the song of the sewer
Of the sewer we sing this song
Together we stand
With shovel in hand
To keep things rolling along.


Sewer Worker: “A funny thing happened to me yesterday
The tide came along, I got carried away
I come out in Jersey, but it's O.K. now
Cause that's where I live anyhow.


ALL: “We sing the song of the sewer
Of the sewer we sing this song
Together we stand
With shovel in hand
To keep things rolling along.


Sewer Worker: “My father he worked in the sewer Uptown
I followed his footsteps and worked my way down
That's how I began in this here industry
.”
(speaking)
“I just sort of fell into it... sheesh, lucky me.

ALL: “We sing the song of the sewer
Of the sewer we sing this song.


Sewer Worker: “Sing that song!

ALL: “Together we stand
With shovel in hand
To keep things rolling along.


(At the end, they all get washed away.)

(AUDIENCE SHOT)

SWEDISH CHEF: The Chef sings his theme song.

Chef: (introduces Valerie Bertinelli)

(Valerie enters, from screen right, to applause.)

Valerie: “Thank you, Chef! Today, we’ll be making a delicious fruit salad.”

Chef: (leans in, asking for clarification)

Valerie: “A fruit salad.”

Chef: (exclaims happily)

Valerie: “Right, right!”

(The Chef sets out a large bowl.)

Valerie: “Now, let’s go get our ingredients!”

Chef: (excitedly concurs)

(They both rush off in opposite directions, Valerie off-screen right and the Chef off-screen left. Valerie returns with a small bowl.)

Valerie: “A great start is with some oranges. You can use fresh orange sections, or mandarin oranges out of a can.”

(She dumps them in, and exits the way she came. The Chef returns with a head of lettuce.)

Chef: (enthusiastically describes what he’s doing: tearing up the lettuce and putting it in the bowl)

(The Chef exits. Valerie enters with another small bowl.)

Valerie: “Bananas in fruit salad are a matter of taste. If you do add bananas, make sure to consume the fruit salad within a day or two.”

(She dumps them in and exits. The Chef re-enters with a tomato, partially sliced.)

Chef: (talks about the tomato as he dumps in the slices, then dumps in the rest of the whole tomato)

(The Chef exits. Valerie re-enters with another small bowl.)

Valerie: “Any kind of berry goes well in a fruit salad --”
(she points them out)
“-- strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, blackberries.”

(She dumps them in and exits. The Chef re-enters with a partially sliced onion.)

Chef (cries while he dumps in the onion slices, followed by the remaining whole onion)

(The Chef exits. Valerie re-enters with another small bowl.)

Valerie: “Another nice addition, especially when they’re in season, is peaches!”

(She dumps the peach slices in and exits. The Chef re-enters with a small bowl.)

Chef: (he points out the bowl of “croonchy croutons”, smashing one with a mallet and dumping the rest in)

(The Chef exits. Valerie re-enters with a medium-sized bowl.)

Valerie: “Sometimes, a good finishing touch is topping it off with some marshmallow ambrosia.”

(She spoons it in, and exits. The Chef re-enters with bottles of oil and vinegar.)

Chef: (he pours them in while going on at length, not paying attention to how much he’s pouring in; once he realizes, he goes ahead and empties the bottles)

(Valerie re-enters with salad bowls.)

Valerie: “Now we’re ready to enjoy the fruits of our labors!”

(Valerie tastes it, and winces.)

Valerie: “Lettuce and onion?”
(smacks lips)
“Vinegar? Oh, Chef --”

(The Chef tastes it, and shrugs.)

Valerie: “-- we were supposed to be making a FRUIT salad!”

(The Chef sighs, dejectedly.)

Valerie: “Oh, hey, don’t take it so hard. After all, fruit CAN go in salads. That’s how you make a Waldorf salad!”

(The Chef gets excited, and runs off, screen right.)

Valerie: “Hey! Where are you going?”
(aside, to the audience)
“Where’s he going?”

(The Chef returns with Waldorf in a large bowl, and dumps lettuce on him.)

Valerie: “Well, I can’t argue: that is DEFINITELY a Waldorf salad!”

(She side hugs the Chef as Waldorf scowls.)

Statler: “Well, at least no one’s ever made a Statler salad.”

(The Chef pops up behind him, and starts dumping lettuce over him. Statler sputters and protests.)

BACKSTAGE: Robin sighs.

Robin: “What can I do to make Valerie Bertinelli notice me?”

(Gonzo enters, clad in a black tuxedo with tails, carrying a tray of food.)

Gonzo: “Say Robin, do you know who left this food lying around? It’s two fried eggs, toast, and orange juice.”

Robin: “What? No, no I don’t.”

Gonzo: “Well then, I guess whoever this belongs to won’t mind if I take it with me. It’s just what I need for my NEW ACT!”

Robin: “Swell. Oh, Gonzo! Listen, can I ask your advice?”

Gonzo: “Gosh! No one’s ever asked for MY advice before! Or at least lived to tell about it.”

Robin: “Say there’s this chick you really like. How do you get her attention?”

Gonzo: “Oh, well, you’ve gotta stand out! Have you ever thought of painting yourself green?”
(off Robin’s look)
“No. Uh, what I mean is, you’ve got to be brave! Daring! Exciting! Bold! Look at me: I risk my life every week in my never-ending pursuit of high art, and the chicks go wild for it!”

(Chickens enter and fawn over Gonzo.)

Robin: “Are you sure that will work?”

Gonzo: “Absolutely! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go play with my food.”

(He exits for the stage. The chickens disperse. Three tuxedo-clad Whatnots heads for the stage. Fozzie enters.)

Robin: “He’s right. Yeah, I’ve got to be brave!”

Fozzie: “Excuse me, Robin.”

Robin: “Daring!”

Fozzie: “Have you seen my breakfast?”

Robin: “Exciting!”

Fozzie: “It’s two fried eggs, toast, and orange juice.”

Robin: “Gonzo has it.”

Fozzie: “WHAT?!”

Robin: “Bold!”

Fozzie: “You bet that’s bold! GONZO!”

(Fozzie runs to the stage.)

CURTAIN: Kermit enters.

Kermit: “And now, here to conduct an original composition, “Breakfast on Timpani”, featuring the Holly Unlikely Percussion Ensemble, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!”

GONZO’S STUNT: Gonzo conducts the Holly Unlikely Percussion Ensemble (three tuxedo-clad Whatnot men) as each plays a timpani that balances one of Fozzie’s breakfast items. Gonzo gets into the swing of it when Fozzie enters.

Fozzie: “Gonzo! What are you doing?! You’ve got my breakfast there! Hey! Hey, guys!”

(Fozzie goes over to the first timpani, which has his fried eggs on it.)

Fozzie: “Hey, can I have these eggs back, please?”

(The Whatnot plays more furiously, bouncing the eggs into the air.)

Fozzie: “Hey, watch it!”

(The Whatnot clangs again on the timpani.)

Fozzie: “I didn’t order these scrambled.”

(The Whatnot drums furiously, pulverizing the eggs.)

Fozzie: “I guess I did order these scrambled. Sigh!”

(Fozzie goes over to the second timpani, which has his toast on it.)

Fozzie: “Hey! Hey, do you mind if I have my toast back?”

(The Whatnot plays furiously, pounding the toast.)

Fozzie: “Hey! Well, at least it can’t get any flatter than it is.”

(Fozzie looks on.)

Fozzie: “I guess it CAN get flatter than it already is. Argh!”

(Fozzie goes to the last timpani, which has his juice on it.)

Fozzie: “All right, now can I please –- would you --”

(The Whatnot plays furiously and the juice bounces all over, spilling.)

Fozzie: “Would you move it?!”

(Fozzie pushes him aside and grabs what’s left of his juice.)

Fozzie: “There.”

(Fozzie is about to take a sip when the Whatnot pounds on the timpani, startling Fozzie and causing him to spill the rest of the juice on himself.)

Fozzie: “Argh! GONZO!”

(Fozzie runs off screen. Gonzo leads a big finish. Gonzo and the Whatnots bow.)

Fozzie (off-screen): “GONZO!”

(Fozzie chases Gonzo offstage. The Whatnots come forward and take bows while Fozzie chases Gonzo back and forth in the background.)

BACKSTAGE: Fozzie chases Gonzo and they exit. At Kermit’s desk, Robin checks off a list.

Robin: “Let’s see now: I’m in with the trapeze act and clear for the high wire, now all I need is the human cannonball.”

(The Zucchini Brothers enter.)

Robin: “Excuse me, guys! Can I be in your act tonight?”

(The Zucchini Brothers burst out laughing.)

Zucchini Brother (blue): “Hey, hey! We make-a the small-a boom-a boom-a!”

(They laugh.)

Zucchini Brother (gray): “Use-a just a pinch of-a gun-a powder!”

(They laugh.)

Zucchini Brother (pink): “Why you wanna be in-a our act-a? You wanna be the first froggie on-a the moon?”

(They burst out laughing. Robin sighs, dejected.)

Robin: “Aw, you wouldn’t understand. Faint heart never won fair lady.”

Zucchini Brothers: “OH!”

Zucchini Brother (gray): “Little Froggie Casanova’s a-got him-a self a little green-a girl-a friend!”

Robin: “No, no I don’t.”

Zucchini Brother (pink): “Hey, hey! Maybe he’s a like-a the uncle and in love-a with a pig!”

Robin: “What?! No, no, no, no!”

Zucchini Brother (blue): “Hey, hey! Maybe he’s-a got eyes for this week’s a-guest star, the young-a Bella Donna, Valerie Bertinelli!”

Zucchini Brothers: “OH!”

(The Zucchini Brothers all look at Robin for his reaction. Robin turns away sheepishly.)

Zucchini Brother (pink): “He’s a-blushing six shades of-a red under all that a-green!”

Zucchini Brother (blue): “Okay, froggie! We gonna help you!”

Robin: “Wow! Thanks a lot, you guys!”

Zucchini Brother (blue): “One of a-you got-a the official Zucchini Brothers a-handkerchief?”
(The gray brother pulls out a handkerchief with their insignia on it.)

Zucchini Brothers: “Hey, hey!”

(They tie it around Robin’s neck.)

Zucchini Brother (blue): “Or in his-a case-a, the official Zucchini Brothers a-neckerchief!”

(Robin wears the neckerchief across his chest.)

Zucchini Brothers: “Hey, hey!”

Zucchini Brother (pink): “Now you an honorary-a Zucchini Brother!”

(They cheer.)

Zucchini Brother (blue): “To the stage-a!”

Zucchini Brothers: “To the stage-a!”

(They run off in the wrong direction.)

Robin: “Hey, guys! Listen! Guys? The stage is THAT way!”

(They rush back in and take to the stage. Robin looks at the camera.)

Robin: “Somehow, I’m not so sure about this anymore.”

CURTAIN: Kermit enters to his music cue.

Kermit: “And now, stand back for an extravaganza, the Circus of the Muppets! And in the center ring, you’ll find our fantastic guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Valerie Bertinelli!”

CLOSING NUMBER: In the circus set, Valerie enters, dressed as a ringmaster and holding a top hat.

Valerie: “Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages to the Circus of the Muppets!”

(The Dancing Clowns tumble about behind her to circus music.)

Valerie: “And now, please welcome our trapeze artist --”
(reads, reacts with surprise)
“Robin the frog!”

(Wide shot reveal Robin on the trapeze, Quongo ready to push.)

Valerie:
(singing)
He eats flies through the air with the greatest of ease,
That daring young frog on the flying trapeze
...”

(Quongo does the trapeze act with Robin, tossing him around like a rag doll. He lands in the net.)

Valerie: “Hey, Robin! Are you all right?!”

Robin: “Oh, sure, Babe! Never better! Nothing fazes an old daredevil like me.”

Valerie: “Uh...”

(Robin exits.)

Valerie:
(aside, to the audience)
“’Babe’?”

(She rolls her eyes in disgust, then shrugs it off.)

Valerie: “Well! And now, please welcome our resident showgirl, Annie Sue Pig, and friend!”

(Annie Sue sings “Step Up and Take a Bow” (from the Marx Brothers’ “At the Circus” while astride Paul Revere the Horse.)

Annie Sue: “Step up and take a bow
Don’t be modest, don’t be shy
Show that thoroughbred look in your eye
Step up with grace and pride
Take that oompah, oompah, oompah-pah in your stride
Each heart begins to beat in rhyme
Oompah-pah, oomph in three quarter time
Maidens swoon, and ladies pine
When you waltz by
You’ll steal their hearts and now
Be gallant
Take a bow


(APPLAUSE. Valerie claps and smiles.)

Valerie: “And now, the Flying Zucchini Brothers --”

(The Zucchini Brothers enter, startling Valerie with their whooping and hollering.)

Valerie: “-- and their human cannonball act!”

Zucchini Brother (blue): “Scusi, Lady. Read-a this.”

(He hands her a note.)

Valerie:
(reading)
“Ladies and gentlemen, the Zucchini Brothers and their frog cannonball act, featuring... Robin the Frog?”

Zucchini Brother (blue): “You got-a the helmet on, Froggie?”

Robin: “All set.”

Zucchini Brother (blue): “Okay, here a-we go!”

Zucchini Brother (pink): “Hey! Make-a the small-a boom-a boom-a!”

Zucchini Brother (gray): “Small boom-a boom-a!”

(They pour a pinch of gunpowder in the back of the cannon. Valerie bites her nails in worry. Robin gets shot out of the cannon, and goes flying across the stage and into the stage right wall at the wings.)

Valerie: “Hey Robin, are you all right?!”

Robin: “Oh, no sweat, Babe! This is kid stuff for an old pro like me!”

(He scoffs and exits. Valerie stammers.)

Valerie:
(aside, to audience)
“I don’t think I like this. Let’s move on, shall we, to our fabulous clown troupe!”

(The Clowns do a juggling routine with bowling pins, pretending to knock themselves out. APPLAUSE. Valerie claps and laughs.)

Valerie: “And now, please direct your eyes to the high wire for a feat of derring-do by...”
(she reads the card)
“Surprise, surprise! Once again, Robin the Frog!”

Robin: “I will now ride the bicycle across the high wire without the safety of a net!”

Valerie: “What?! Robin, that’s dangerous!”

(Kermit rushes in.)

Kermit: “Robin, come down from there!”

Robin: “No way! Now that Valerie’s noticed me?”

Valerie: “You mean all of this, risking your life, is for ME?”
(panicky)
“Kermit, I swear, I didn’t realize. I -- I feel terrible!”

Kermit: “Never mind that, Valerie. We’ve got to get him down from there.”

Valerie: “Right! I’ll talk to him.”

(Valerie rushes over to the ladder.)

Valerie: “Robin, please come down from there! Please, Robin? Robin, you don’t have to try and impress me. I like you the way you are.”

Robin: “You do?”

Valerie: “Yes!”

Robin: “Wow! Whoa!”

(The bicycle slides onto the high wire.)

Robin: “I’m all right! I just need to keep my balance like they taught us in the Frog Scouts.”

Valerie (to Kermit): “He learned this in the Frog Scouts?”

Kermit: “No.”

Robin: “Almost there. Just a little further... Whoa!”

(The bicycle slips and Robin falls.)

Valerie: “ROBIN!”

(She rushes to the center ring and catches him in her hat.)

Robin: “Valerie! You saved me!”

Valerie: “Of course! I couldn’t let you become a little green pancake on the stage floor, could I? Robin, you had me worried sick. Promise me you’ll never do that again. Will you promise?”

Robin: “I promise.”

Valerie:
(sighs in relief)
“Good!”

(She strokes his back.)

Valerie: “I’m just so glad you’re safe.”

Robin: “Really?”

Valerie: “Really.”

(She kisses him on the lips. He sighs in ecstasy and faints, falling down into her top hat. Kermit walks over.)

Valerie: “Robin? He fainted. Here.”

(She hands Kermit the hat.)

Valerie: “Got a magician handy? Maybe he can pull a frog out of a hat.”

Kermit: “What’s a frog have in common with a rabbit?”

Valerie: “Well, look at it this way: if you give them a job to do, they can hop to it!”

(She chuckles. Kermit grimaces and exits.)

Valerie: “Well, I guess the safest way to make it in the circus is to take Cole Porter’s advice.”

(Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Annie Sue, Paul Revere, Quongo, and the Zucchini Brothers enter, all wearing clown outfits.)

All:
(singing)
Be a clown, be a clown
All the world loves a clown
--”

Valerie: “Show ‘em tricks, tell ‘em jokes,”
(singing)
And you’ll only stop with top folks.

(One of the dancing clowns gives her a pie in the face.)

Annie Sue: “Be a crack Jackanapes --”

Quongo: “-- And they’ll imitate you like apes.”

(Two dancing clowns give them pies in the face.)

Gonzo: “Why be a great composer with your rent in arrears?

Scooter: “Why be a major poet and you’ll owe it for years?

Fozzie: “When crowds’ll pay to giggle --”
(speaking)
“-- if you wiggle your ears! Ah!”

(Valerie tosses away a towel, having gotten the pie remnants off of her face.)

Valerie: “Be a clown, be a clown,

All: “Be a clown!

(APPLAUSE. All bow, wave, laugh, etc.)

GOODNIGHTS: Kermit enters.

Kermit: “Well, for all the chaos under the big top, I think we’ve finally bottomed out. So, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Valerie Bertinelli!”

(Valerie enters, still in her ringmaster outfit sans top hat.)

Valerie: “Oh, thank you, Kermit! I’ve had a wonderful time, but I did want to bring your nephew out one more time.”

(Robin enters.)

Robin: “Hey thanks, Valerie!”

Valerie: “I’m sorry it didn’t work out, Robin. You have to admit, you’re still pretty young, and I’m almost a grown-up.”

Robin (sighs, dejected): “Yeah.”

Valerie: “Tell you what: years from now, when we're both grown-ups, if you're still interested, look me up.”

Robin: “Wow! Really?!”

Valerie: “Yeah! I think you’re pretty special, Robin. I can’t wait to see the grown-up frog you’re going to become. You’ll be so charming and handsome... just like your uncle, here!”

(She puts a hand on Kermit, who guffaws.)

Kermit: “Wow! Really?!”

Robin: “Oh, good grief!”
(to the audience)
“We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”

(Valerie, Kermit, Robin, the Swedish Chef, Annie Sue, a Zucchini Brother (blue), Paul Revere the Horse, and Quongo the Gorilla gather around.)

Waldorf: “Why don’t we go to the zoo next week instead?”

Statler: “Uh, what do you mean ‘instead’?”

(S & W laugh.)




Jim: Kermit, Waldorf, Swedish Chef, DogLion
Frank: Piggy, Fozzie, Zucchini Brother (gray), Stagehand (voice)
Jerry: Robin, Quongo, Paul Revere the Horse
Richard: Scooter, Statler, Beaker, Sewer Worker, Bear, Zucchini Brother (blue)
Dave: Gonzo, Bunsen, Hoggie Marsh, Zucchini Brother (pink)
Louise: Annie Sue, Fish, Frog backup singers (voice)
Peter Friedman: Leroy


Comments encouraged.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
 
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MartyMuppets

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My favourite parts are Swinging On A Star and Muppet Labs.
 

Daffyfan4ever

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My favourite parts are Swinging On A Star and Muppet Labs.
I like that you included videos as well. Interesting to know where these songs originally came from. I kind of wish I knew more about that on the actual shows.
 
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