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I held this one off from posting as an outline because of how close I was to a full script. According to this site's interview with Jerry Nelson, George Harrison was interested in doing The Muppet Show, but the producers were too preoccupied trying to woo Paul McCartney onto the show.
Here's my idea of what the episode might've been like. Enjoy!
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: GEORGE HARRISON
STYLE: LATE SEASON FIVE (circa Debbie Harry, Chris Langham)
COLD OPENING: Pops swats at a (too small to see) bug with a flyswatter. George enters.
Pops: "Oh, who're you?"
George: "I'm George Harrison. I'm tonight's guest on The Muppet Show."
Pops: "George Harrison... nope! Sorry, not ringing any bells."
George: "Would it help if I mentioned I used to sing with the Beatles?"
Pops: "The Beetles? Well, why didn't you say so? We got the rest of 'em all here!"
George: "Really?"
Pops: "Yeah! Come on in, boys!"
(Muppet Beetles surround George.)
George: "Well, they warned me if things got too crazy that I might have to BUG OUT."
(The Beetles laugh.)
OPENING THEME:
GONZO OPENING: turns into Beetle. "Surprise!" (repeat from Dudley Moore episode)
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Thank you! Thank you! And welcome again to The Muppet Show! Hey, we’ve got a great show for you tonight because our guest star is one of original Beatles, as well as one of the world’s great singer-songwriters in his own right, Mr. George Harrison! Yes! And in honor of George, we’re going to do an all-Beatles evening. First up: let’s follow the sun.”
OPENING NUMBER: "I'll Follow the Sun" sung by the Beetles in a very 70s-ish storybook amalgamation set -- the sun shines above a city in the background, a forest, and a railroad crossing all jammed into one.
The Beetles attempt to perform but keep getting interrupted.
Beetles (singing): "One day, you'll look
To see I've gone
For tomorrow may rain, so
I'll follow the sun
Someday, you'll know
I was the one
For tomorrow may rain, so
I'll follow the sun"
(Beauregard enters.)
"Nowhere Man"
Beauregard: "I’m a real nowhere man
Sitting in my nowhere land
Making all my nowhere plans
For nobody"
Beetles (resuming): "And now the time has come
And so, my love, I must go
And though I lose a friend,
In the end
You will know
Oh, oh, oh --"
(Gonzo and the chickens enter.)
"I Am the Walrus"
GONZO (singing): "I am the Eggman"
CHICKENS (singing): "Bawk bawk buh-bawk bawk!"
WALRUS (pops up, singing): "I am the walrus! Goog goog g'joob!"
Beetles: "One day, you'll find
That I have gone
For tomorrow may rain, so
I'll follow the sun"
(They play the instrumental break.)
Beetles: “Yes, tomorrow may rain, so
I’ll follow the sun”
(The Electric Mayhem arrives on a train.)
"Ticket to Ride"
Floyd (singing): "I think I'm gonna be sad,
I think it's to--"
EM (singing): "-- day! Yeah!
The girl that's drivin' me mad
Is goin' away, yeah.
She's got a ticket to ride,
She's got a ticket to ri-i-ide,
She's got a ticket to ride,
But she don't care"
Beetle 1: "What else could go wrong?"
Beetles: ""And now the time has come
And so, my love, I must go
And though I lose a friend,
In the end
You will know
Oh, oh, oh --"
(A yellow submarine surfaces, with Lew Zealand inside)
"Yellow Submarine"
Lew (singing): "We all live in a yellow submarine
Yellow submarine
Yellow submarine
We all live in a yellow submarine
Yellow submarine
Yellow submarine"
(Kermit interrupts.)
Kermit: "Stop! Stop! Hold it! What is going on here? Can't we get together on this?"
Gonzo: "What a great idea!"
"All Together Now"
Muppets: "All together now --"
Kermit: "All together now?"
Muppets: "All together now --"
Kermit: "All together now!"
Muppets: "All together now!"
(Mahna Mahna pops up.)
Mahna Mahna: "Mahna mahna!"
Muppets: "All together now!"
(CUT TO Statler & Waldorf’s box.)
Waldorf: “What did you think of that?”
Statler: “I think they ought to take the Beatles’ advice.”
Waldorf: “And do what?”
Statler: “Let it be.”
(S & W laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: The cast returns from the stage.
Kermit: “Good job, everybody. Nice number.”
(The Beetles are bringing up the rear. Three of them set up a dressing screen for the fourth (the red and purple one).)
Kermit: “Good job, fellas. I’m sorry about the way that number turned out.”
Alexander Beetle: “Oh, don’t worry about it. The next one’ll be better.”
Kermit: “The next one what?”
Martin (Purple & Green Beetle): “Well, when you said you were doing an all-beetles evening, we pulled out all the stops and worked up a half hour of variety entertainment!”
Kermit: “What?!”
Roger (Blue-Green Beetle): “Yeah! Next up is Lester doing a comic monologue!”
(Lester, the red & purple beetle, emerges from behind the screen wearing a Fozzie hat & bowtie.)
Lester: “Bugga, bugga, bugga!”
Kermit: “Wait a minute, guys. When I said we were having an all-Beatles evening, I meant it would be all Beatles music.”
Lester: “What?!”
(The Beetles grumble and walk away.)
Kermit: “I’m sorry about that.”
(The Electric Mayhem makes their way to the stage. Kermit stops Floyd.)
Kermit: “Oh Floyd, why are you wearing your suit jacket? I thought you were going to wear the suit with the epaulets.”
Floyd: “Yeah, well, the threads don’t make the man, man. I left it at home.”
Kermit: “Oh, that’s too bad. I thought it’d be appropriate since we have George Harrison on the show tonight. That outfit always reminded me of the Beatles’ “Sgt. Pepper” album.”
Floyd: “Mm-hmm. Yeah, well, there’s a reason for that.”
(Floyd exits to the stage. Kermit turns to face the camera.)
Kermit (deadpan): “Gee, do you suppose there’s more to that?”
CURTAIN: Kermit enters, accompanied by his “ta-da” theme.
Kermit: “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re happy now to present one of the world’s truly great performers. So here he is now, going bananas in his cracker box palace with all of our resident nuts, ladies and gentlemen, George Harrison!”
SONG: "Crackerbox Palace" – open on Timmy Monster (in drag) pushing a baby carriage.
George pops out of the carriage, singing.
George (singing): “I was so young when I was born
My eyes could not yet see
And by the time of my first dawn
Somebody holding me . . . they said”
(They arrive at a palatial estate, where they’re greeted by Fozzie, Gonzo, and Lew Zealand, in crazy costumes; Crazy Harry, the Four Fazoobs, a Gills Brother, Uncle Deadly (as Greif, with a top hat), Mulch, Angus McGonagle, the pink Frackle, the Gorilla, and the March Hare.)
“I welcome you to Crackerbox Palace
We've been expecting you
You bring such joy in Crackerbox Palace
No matter where you roam know our love is true
While growing up or trying to
Not knowing where to start”
(Two lingerie-clad chorus girls appear.)
“I looked around for someone who
May help reveal my heart - someone said”
(Link, in cop uniform, enters, and starts prodding George.)
“While you're a part of Cracerbox Palace
Do what the rest all do
Or face the fact that Crackerbox Palace
May have no other choice than to deport you”
(Timmy Monster (wearing a Colonel’s uniform) and Sweetums (wearing a policeman’s hat) stand, arms crossed, at the gate, like bouncers.)
(During the instrumental break, George and the Muppets saunter around the courtyard to the beat.)
“I welcome you to Crackerbox Palace
We've been expecting you
You bring us joy in Crackerbox Palace
No matter where you roam know our love is true”
(The two chorus girls re-appear.)
“Sometimes are good...”
(They disappear.)
“Sometimes are bad
That's all a part of life”
(Through two rows of Muppets, we spy Uncle Deadly seated in a grand chair, wearing the addition of a top hat.)
“And standing in between them all
I met a Mr. Grief - and he said
I welcome you to Crackerbox Palace
Was not expecting you
Let's rap and tap at Crackerbox Palace
Know that the Lord is well and inside of you”
(George drives the Muppets on a small cart.)
“And we welcome you to Crackerbox Palace
We've been expecting you
You bring such joy in Crackerbox Palace
No matter where you roam know our love is true”
(They’re all seated at a grand banquet table in the courtyard.)
“You bring such joy in Crackerbox Palace
No matter where you roam know our love
Know our love is true”
(All wave as the camera pulls back and the song ends.)
(CUT TO Statler & Waldorf’s box.)
Statler: “This show reminds me of a birth announcement.”
Waldorf: “Why?”
Statler: “Because you expect a little stranger!”
(They laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: The Muppets return from the stage. Kermit flags down Floyd.
Kermit: “Oh, Floyd! Floyd, is there something bothering you tonight?”
Floyd: “Mm, you might say that.”
Kermit: “Well, what is it?”
Floyd: “Well, you know how you mentioned my outfit reminded you of Sgt. Pepper?”
Kermit: “Of course.”
Floyd: “There’s a good reason for that: I AM Sgt. Floyd Pepper.”
Kermit: “Oh, I know that.”
Floyd: “Mm, I don’t think you do, man. I’m not A Sgt. Pepper, I’m THE Sgt. Pepper!”
Kermit: “Really?”
Floyd: “Yeah, man. The Lonely Hearts Club Band was my first serious gig! The Beatles used to come around when they were just a bunch of lads. I taught ‘em everything!”
Kermit: “Gee Floyd, I had no idea.”
Floyd: Yeah, you or anyone else, man. I mean, don’t get me wrong! I dig the Beatles. They’re all talented and they put down some out of sight music, man. I wish ‘em well, all of ‘em. But they went on to “worldwide fame” and “Beatle-mania”. And what have I got? A house band gig on the Variety Freak Show.”
(Kermit frowns.)
Floyd: “I mean, what have I got to show for it? When is it my time, man?”
Kermit: “I – Floyd, I don’t know what to say. Who else have you told about this?”
Floyd: “Mm, haven’t really told anyone, man.”
Kermit: “Well, maybe that’s your problem. If you want recognition, you can’t keep it a secret.”
Floyd: “You think so, huh?”
Kermit: “Oh, I know so! Everyone will be interested to hear it! Look, here comes Janice. Why don’t you say something?”
Floyd: “Okay. Hey, baby! Got a second?”
(Floyd repeatedly tries to interrupt, unsuccessfully.)
Janice: “Oo, sorry honey. I’m rully busy right now! I have go to get on stage for Vet’s Hospital and then get ready for my number with George! Wow, I can’t believe it. Here I am about to perform with one of the Beatles. This is lifelong ambition come true! Can you imagine getting to perform with one of the Beatles? Well, wish me luck!”
(Behind them, Lester Beetle heads toward the stage.)
Floyd: “Don’t expect me to sweep this under the rug.”
Lester: “Under the rug?! But that’s where my dressing room is!”
(He’s slack-jawed.)
Kermit: “No, no, no! When he says that –“
Lester: “No, Mr. Kermit, it’s all right. We’ll talk about it when I’m done with this sketch.”
(Aside, to Floyd)
“Lucky for him I’m a consummate professional.”
(Lester runs onstage. Kermit & Floyd both do a slow take to the camera.)
VET'S HOSPITAL: Piggy scans the room, flyswatter at the ready. She swats a bug (too small for us to see.)
Announcer: “And now, Veterinarian’s Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who’s gone to the dogs.”
Piggy: “Dr. Bob, are you ready for the next patient?”
Dr. Bob: “I don’t know, there’s something about this that BUGS me!”
Janice: “Well, that’s no surprise.”
(Dr. Bob pulls back the sheet, revealing Lester Beetle, who mugs for the camera. Dr. Bob shudders.)
Dr. Bob: “Yeech! Nurse, hand me the bug spray!”
Piggy: “No, no, Dr. Bob! This is the patient.”
Dr. Bob: “I was afraid of that. Well, what seems to be your trouble?”
Lester: “I’ve got stiffness in my legs.”
Dr. Bob: “Both of them?”
Lester: No, just three of them.”
(Laughter.)
Dr. Bob: “I forgot insects have six legs.”
Piggy: “And six feet.”
Janice: “Wow, can you imagine buying all those shoes?”
Piggy: “Well, I like buying new shoes.”
Dr. Bob: “I don’t think I could picture you buying shoes six at a time. Wait a minute! On second thought, I think I could fathom it.”
Piggy: “Why?”
Dr. Bob: “’Cause there are six feet in a fathom!”
(Laughter.)
Lester: “Can we hurry this up? I’ve got a hot date with a moth!”
Dr. Bob: “A date with a moth? Where are you taking her?”
Lester: “To the Moth Gala Dinner Dance!”
Dr. Bob: “Moth Gala Dinner Dance? I didn’t know moths had swanky affairs.”
Lester: “You mean you’ve never heard of moth balls?”
(Laughter.)
Dr. Bob: “Listen, in case anything goes wrong, do you have any next of kin you’d like us to notify?”
Lester: “My aunt.”
Dr. Bob: “Maternal or paternal?”
Lester: “Army.”
Dr. Bob: “Army wasn’t a choice. Wait a minute! Don’t tell me, I know. She’s an –“
All: “Army ant!”
(Laughter.)
Janice: “Oh, wow. Like, I read that an army ant can lift 50 times its own body weight.”
Dr. Bob: “Well, we’ll call her if we need any heavy lifting.”
Lester: “I wouldn’t count on it, Doc. No one can carry this sketch!”
(Laughter.)
Dr. Bob: “Touché! And so we come to the end!”
Announcer: “And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian’s Hospital. Tune in next week when we’ll hear Dr. Bob say –“
Dr. Bob: “Seriously, though, who should we put down as your emergency contact?”
Lester: “Well, definitely NOT my cousin Nelson. He was sentenced to life on a chain gang, picking fruit.”
Dr. Bob: “Picking fruit? Wait, don’t tell me! You mean he’s working in –“
Lester: “That’s right!”
All: “Strawberry fields, forever!”
(All laugh.)
MUPPET NEWS: The Newsman rushes in.
Newsman: “Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire, though rather small, were counted today in the first of a string of hole-tracking projects. In a related story the Muppet Newsroom hole count has also been released, with a total of one.”
(He looks up.)
“One hole in the Muppet Newsroom?”
(He looks around.)
“I don’t recall seeing any – AH!”
(He screams and falls down the hole.)
SONG: "Here Comes the Sun" - George and Janice play an acoustic version on a bare stage.
George & Janice: “Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right”
George: “Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here”
Both: “Here comes the sun, here comes the sun --”
George: “And I say –“
Both: “-- it's all right
Little darling --”
Janice: “-- the smiles returning to the faces”
Both: “Little darling –“
Janice: “-- it seems like years since it's been here”
Both: “Here comes the sun,
Doot n’ doo doo
Here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
It's all right, it's all right”
(They play the closing bars. APPLAUSE.)
UK SPOT: "Come Together" - Electric Mayhem with Flattop the Cowboy (who falls apart) in front of a black backdrop.
Dr. Teeth (singing): “Here come old flattop, he come grooving up slowly
He got –“
Dr. Teeth & Floyd: “-- joo-joo eyeball, he one holy roller
He got –-“
Dr. Teeth, Floyd & Janice: “-- hair down to his knee”
Dr. Teeth: “Got to be a joker he just do what he please”
Floyd: “He wear no shoeshine, he got toe-jam football
He got –-“
Floyd & Janice: “-- monkey finger, he shoot Coca-Cola
He say, "I know you, you know me.
One thing I can tell you is you got to be free”
All: “Come together right now over me”
Floyd: “He bag production, he got –-“
Floyd & Janice: “-- walrus gumboot
He got –-“
Floyd, Janice & Dr. Teeth: “-- Ono sideboard, he one spinal cracker
He got feet down below his knee”
Floyd: “Hold you in his armchair you can feel his disease”
All: “Come together right now over me”
Dr. Teeth: “He roller-coaster, he got –“
Dr. Teeth & Floyd: “-- early warning
He got –-“
Dr. Teeth, Floyd & Janice: “-- muddy water, he one mojo filter
He say, "One and one, and one is three."
Got to be good-looking 'cause he's so hard to see”
All: “Come together right now over me
Oh
Come together
Yeah, come together
Yeah, come together
Yeah, come together
Yeah, come together
Yeah, come together
Yeah, come together
Yeah, oh
Come together
Yeah, come together”
(Flattop falls on the band.)
BEAR ON PATROL: Theme music.
Announcer: “Ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear On Patrol!”
(Theme music. Open on Link at his desk. Fozzie enters, tugging a handcuffed Lester Beetle along with him.)
Link: “Patrol Bear! How many times have I told you to clean up around here?”
Fozzie: “But, sir –-“
Link: “You see what happens? We get bugs!”
Fozzie: “But, Sergeant!”
Link: “Now, now, just take him outside and squash him.”
Fozzie: “But sir, this is my prisoner!”
Link: “Oh, well that’s different. What are the charges?”
Fozzie: “Unlawful entry and burglarizing bread crumbs!”
Link: “Not much of a charge, the bread crumbs part, but we can do something with the unlawful entry charge, I’m sure.”
Lester: “This is all a mistake! Really!”
Link: “Now, wait a minute. You’ll have your chance to speak.”
Lester: “I will?”
Link: “Yeah… In court!”
(They laugh.)
Alexander Beetle (O.S.): “Let him speak!”
(They all look around for the source of the voice.)
Link: “Who said that?”
Alexander: “I did!”
(Reveal he’s RIGHT BEHIND Link, sitting casually on a shelf in the corner.)
Link: “Uh, how did you get in here?”
Alexander: “Through a crack in the wall! You know, you ought to watch what you say about us bugs.”
Link: “Patrol Bear, call an exterminator.”
Martin Beetle (off-screen): “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
Link & Fozzie: “Wha?”
(They turn to spot Martin, briefcase at the ready, sitting on the telephone.)
Martin: “Martin Beetle, attorney at law. My card.”
Link: “Now, wait just a minute! How did he get in here?!”
Martin: “Through the pantry cupboard!”
Link: “Now, hold on! Wait just a second. You can’t just barge in here like this.”
Martin: “Officer, my client has a right to be heard.”
Link: “Uh, uh, Patrol Bear –-“
Fozzie: “Yes, sir!”
Link: “Take all these guys and lock ‘em up.”
Fozzie: “You got it! All right, come on you guys! Into the cell!”
(The bugs protest, and start to crawl all over him. Alexander crawls up Fozzie’s back.)
Fozzie: “Wait a minute – whahahaaaah! Ah! Will you get off of me?! Argh!”
(Fozzie tosses Alexander off of his back. Alexander stands up & shakes if off. Fozzie grabs him, still holding onto Martin.)
Fozzie: “All right now, into the cell. Let’s -- hey, wait a minute. Where’d the other one go?”
(Lester is up on the shelf in the corner.)
Lester: “You’ll have to catch me first!”
(Lester starts crawling up the wall.)
Link: “Uh, wait a minute!”
Fozzie: “Hey, you get down from there! Waugh!”
(Alexander and Martin escape his grip, fleeing in opposite directions.)
(Link grabs a flyswatter, and starts swatting at Lester on the ceiling. Lester grabs the flyswatter with his mouth, and tosses it aside.)
Link: “Hey!”
Martin: “Sergeant, I have here a writ of habeas corpus.”
Link: “Oh, yeah?”
Fozzie: “Ah!”
(Alexander has picked up the flyswatter, and is swatting at Fozzie, who blocks with his hat.)
Link: “Well, I’ve got a paper, too!”
(Link rolls up a newspaper, and swats at Martin.)
Link: “What do you have to say to that, smarty-poo?”
(Link gets a bop on the head from behind with a rolled-up newspaper. Reveal it was from Lester, who is also holding a rolled-up newspaper.)
(Fozzie ducks and dodges Alexander, then succeeds in grabbing him by the arm.)
Fozzie: “Ha! Ha! NOW what are you going to do? AH!”
(Lester drops down from the ceiling and lands on Fozzie.)
Link: “Wait! Hold on a minute, this is getting completely out of hand! GASP!”
(Roger Beetle crawls out of Link’s desk.)
Roger Beetle (O.S.): “Hey, guys! I’ve organized a demonstration! Within 10 minutes, this place will be crawling with protesters!”
(Lester & Alexander are crawling on Fozzie again.)
Fozzie: “I think –- whoa! I think there’s already enough crawling going on in here already! Sergeant!”
Link: “Uh… uh… It’s a misdemeanor! Let ‘em off with a warning! You’re free to go!”
Fozzie: “Yeah, everybody out! Shoo! Shoo! Go on! Get out of here!”
(The beetles all take off. Link & Fozzie breathe a sigh of relief.)
Fozzie: “You think we made the right call?”
Link (exhausted): “I don’t know.”
Fozzie: “Anything else we should do?”
Link: “Yes. To prevent a repeat of this situation, you’d better check the mousetraps.”
(A flurry of rats enter.)
Rats: “Mousetraps?!”
(The rats jump Link & Fozzie, tackling them to the ground. End music cue.)
DRESSING ROOM: Kermit is sitting with George.
Kermit: “And that’s the whole story.”
George: “Well, I’m glad you told me, Kermit. I feel just terrible about Floyd, that a man who’s given me so much feels he has so little.”
Kermit: “… You mean it’s true?”
George: “Oh, yes! Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band was tops when the Beatles first got together. There was Morris Hopscotch, the lead singer; and Nigel Dithering, the drummer; and Peter Dimpton-Smythe, lead guitarist. Matter of fact, they all still live ‘round here. But Sgt. Floyd Pepper, he was the most influential. He taught us all so much. I wish there was something I could do for him.”
(There’s a knock at the door. Floyd sticks his head through.)
Floyd: “Hey, George!”
George: “Hey, Floyd! Come on in! We were just talking about you.”
(Floyd enters.)
Floyd: “Oh?”
George: “I was just telling Kermit how big an influence you were on the Beatles, and I wanted to say thank you. I know I haven’t said it enough.”
Floyd: “Yeah, well, I appreciate that. Doesn’t change the facts, though, man.”
Kermit: “Now, wait a minute, Floyd –“
Floyd: “Look, man I think it’s great, everything you guys put down. I just gotta go my own way if I wanna get some recognition.”
Kermit: “Floyd, you don’t mean that you’d really leave us.”
Floyd: “’Fraid so, ol’ froggy friend. But hey, I won’t forget you, man.”
(He holds out his palm.)
“Slap me five, man, for old times’ sake.”
Kermit: “Floyd, I think you ought to think this through.”
Floyd: “All right, never mind. I hate long goodbyes as much as you, so I’ll just slide on outta here.”
(He goes out the door and calls for Janice.)
BACKSTAGE: Floyd looks for Janice.
Floyd: “Come on, babe, where you at?”
(Janice enters.)
Janice: “Honey, what is it?”
Floyd: “I’m anklin’.”
Janice (gasps): “Anklin’?”
Floyd: “Yeah, goin’ off on my own, to see my name in lights. You comin’?”
Janice: “Gee, Floyd, I don’t know. It’s so sudden. I –“
(She looks around)
“I don’t know if I can. I’ve really grown to like it here. And I know you like it here, too.”
(She reaches for him and he recoils.)
Floyd: “Mm-hmm. Okay, I see how it is. You’d rather stay here. Well, fine. Be that way. Anyway, I travel better when I travel light.”
(Janice gasps as Floyd heads down the stairs and out the door. Animal greets him at the landing.)
Floyd: “Animal, stay!”
Animal: “Stay!”
Floyd: “Good Animal!”
Animal: “Good Animal!”
(Floyd turns to leave and Animal once again tries to follow him.)
Floyd: “No, Animal! You stay here!”
(Animal turns the camera and widens in eyes in confusion.)
Animal: “Wha?”
Floyd: “Aw, listen, fuzzy face, I’m going out on my own now. Alone.”
Animal: “A-lone! A-lone! A-lone!”
Floyd: “Yeah, which means you stay, and I go.”
Animal: “Go?”
Floyd: “Yeah, go.”
Animal: “Animal go! Animal go!”
Floyd: “No! No, Animal!”
Animal: “No!”
Floyd: “Stay!”
Animal: “Stay!”
Floyd: “Heel!”
Animal: “Heel!”
(Floyd looks up to where Janice & Kermit look on.)
Floyd: “Take care of him, will ya?”
Kermit: “You always have a home here, Floyd.”
Floyd: “Mm, thanks, Kermit.”
(He exits. Animal skulks over to Kermit’s desk. Kermit & Janice come to comfort him.)
Kermit (patting Animal): “There, there, Animal.”
(Animal bolts upright and his eyes widen.)
Animal: “No pat! NO PAT!”
(He bites Kermit and beats him down. He freaks out and starts tearing up Kermit’s desk.)
(CUT TO the Alley. Floyd sets down his bass guitar case and takes a deep breath.)
Floyd: “Ah, the smell of freedom. Everything’s in front of me.”
(He looks around.)
“Hmm, trouble is, I don’t know which way I should go.”
(He looks back toward the theater.)
“Hmm, it was easier to know where I was going, and know I was always welcome.”
(He sits down on a crate and pulls out his bass.)
SONG: Floyd sings “Yesterday” in the alley.
Floyd (singing): “Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly I'm not half the man I used to be.
There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.
Why she had to go, I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Why she had to go, I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm”
(AUDIENCE SHOT)
SONG: "Octopus's Garden" - a la the Ed Sullivan Show, with Scooter on lead vocals, octopus backing vocals, and Lew Zealand’s fish puns.
Scooter (singing): “I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade”
(Herbie, the green octopus, enters from below, while Lew Zealand enters, swimming in the background.)
Scooter: “He'd let us in, knows where we've been
In his octopus's garden in the shade”
Lew: “That song sounds fishy. Hee hee!”
Scooter: “I'd ask my friends to come and see
An octopus's garden with me”
Lew: “Holy mackerel!”
Scooter: “I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade”
Lew: “Hey, do you sing that way on porpoise?”
(Herbie the octopus joins in on “la la la”.)
Scooter: “We would be warm below the storm
In our little hideaway beneath the waves”
Lew: “Did you see my haircut –- I got scalloped!”
Herbie: “Resting our head on the sea bed
In an octopus's garden near a cave”
Lew: “Sing louder –- I’m hard of herring!”
Scooter & Herbie: “We would sing and dance around
Because we know we can't be found”
Lew: “Sing that tuna with sole!”
Scooter & Herbie: “I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade”
(Instrumental.)
Lew: “I went to see an old underwater movie yesterday -– it starred Theda Barracuda!”
(Music.)
Lew: “One of those classic stories of buoy meets gull!”
(Music.)
Lew: “It smelt! Hee hee!”
Scooter: “We would shout and swim about
The coral that lies beneath the waves”
Lew: “Who goes there, friend or anemone? Hee hee!”
Scooter: “Oh what joy for every girl and boy
Knowing they're happy and they're safe”
Lew (holding a deck of cards): “Pick a cod, any cod!”
Scooter & Herbie: “We would be so happy you and me
No one there to tell us what to do”
Lew: “Knock, knock.”
Herbie: “Who’s there?”
Lew: “Salmon.”
Scooter: “Salmon who?”
Lew (singing): “Salmon chanted evening!”
(Lew cracks up.)
Scooter: “Why are you doing this?”
Lew: “Oh, just for the halibut!”
(Lew busts up laughing.)
Scooter & Herbie: “I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden…”
(A Giant Clam swims in behind Lew.)
Lew: “Abalone!”
(Giant Clam eats Lew.)
Scooter & Herbie: “-- with you”
(Music draws to a close. Giant Clam burps.)
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Well folks, I have a sad announcement to make. Our resident bass player, Sgt. Floyd Pepper, is leaving to pursue higher career aspirations.”
Floyd (O.S.): “Wait a minute!”
(He rushes in.)
Kermit: “Floyd? What’s going on?”
Floyd: “Well, it’s… I… well, I, uh…”
(He scratches the back of his head, searching for the words, then decides to play it cool.)
“I haven’t left yet, that’s all.”
Kermit: “Haven’t left yet?”
Floyd: “Yeah, I mean, uh, I’ve got to make arrangements and all that, so…”
(George Harrison enters.)
George: “Excuse me. Am I interrupting?”
Kermit: “Uh, yes.”
Floyd: “Uh, no!”
Kermit: “Really?”
George: “I just had to come out here and pay tribute to my friend, Floyd: the original Sgt. Pepper. Neither myself nor any of the other Beatles would be where we are today without you.”
Floyd: “Yeah, well, that’s mighty copacetic of you to say, and all, but…”
George: “And just to show it, I called up your old Lonely Hearts Club Band to play on this stage, right here and now!”
Floyd: “What?!”
(The curtain opens on a bandstand where Floyd’s old band awaits. APPLAUSE.)
George: “Get up there.”
Floyd (trying to hear over the applause): “What?”
George: “Get on up there!”
(Floyd rushes to take his place with the band. George and Kermit exit the shot. Lead singer Morris starts up.)
Morris: “It was twenty years ago today
Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play
They've been going in and out of style
But they're guaranteed to raise a smile
So may I introduce to you
The act you've known for all these years
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band”
All: “We're Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
We hope you will enjoy the show
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
Sit back and let the evening go
Sgt. Pepper's lonely, Sgt. Pepper's lonely
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band”
CURTAIN: The curtain closes. Kermit, Floyd & Morris enter.
Morris: “Floyd, I can’t tell you what a gas it is to perform with you again.”
Floyd: “Oh well, back at’cha, man!”
Morris: “You know, we’ve still got the old magic. We could start touring again.”
Floyd: “Well, uh, I’m blown away by the offer, man, but uh, I still got a lot of groove to lay down around this joint.”
Kermit: “Translate for me: does that mean you’re staying?”
Floyd (feigning cool detachment): “Mmm… for the time being.”
Kermit: “Oh, good! Well, uh, welcome back!”
Floyd: “Heh, thanks, man.”
Kermit: “And, uh, you’ve got some work to do here in George’s next number.”
Floyd: “All right! Now you’re talkin’!”
(He goes behind the curtain.)
Kermit: “Okay, well, uh, all’s well that ends well, so now it’s time for our closing number! Is everybody ready back there?”
Band (O.S.): “Yeah, yeah.”
Kermit: “Okay, ladies and gentlemen, here is our own Electric Mayhem band -- featuring Sgt. Floyd Pepper –- with Mr. George Harrison! YAY!”
CLOSING NUMBER: "Give Me Love, Give Me Peace on Earth" - George sings with the Electric Mayhem in the bandstand set.
George (singing): “Give me love
Give me love
Give me peace on earth
Give me light
Give me life
Keep me free from birth
Give me hope
Help me cope, with this heavy load
Trying to, touch and reach you with,
heart and soul
OM M M M M M M M M M M M M M
M M M My Lord . . .
PLEASE take hold of my hand, that
I might understand you
Won't you please
Oh won't you
Give me love
Give me love
Give me peace on earth
Give me light
Give me life
Keep me free from birth
Give me hope
Help me cope, with this heavy load
Trying to, touch and reach you with,
heart and soul
Oh…”
(George plays an arpeggio on his acoustic, signaling the end of the song. APPLAUSE.)
GOODNIGHTS: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “And so, as all things must pass, we come to the end of a day in the life of The Muppet Show! But before we say goodnight, goodbye, and head off to golden slumbers, let’s all come together and -– you know what to do –- give a warm thank you to our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, George Harrison! Yay!”
(George enters.)
George: “Thank you, Kermit. I’ve had a wonderful time.”
Kermit: “Oh, I am so glad!”
George: “Except one thing still bugs me.”
Kermit: “Uh-oh. What’s that?”
George: “The beetles.”
Kermit: “You bugged by your old band?”
George: “Not THE Beatles –-“
(Lester & Alexander Beetle pop up.)
“-- THESE beetles.”
(The beetles chuckle silently.)
Kermit: “That’s our kind of joke, George. We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”
(George, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Floyd, Janice, Rizzo (in Sgt. Pepper jacket), Lew Zealand, the Walrus, Lester Beetle & Alexander Beetle gather around.)
(In S & W’s box, Statler is standing, getting ready to leave)
Waldorf: “Same time next week?”
Statler: “I’ll have to let you know.”
Waldorf: “Why?”
Statler: “I think I picked up a bug.”
Waldorf: “Oh.”
(Statler turns to exit, revealing Alexander Beetle hanging onto his back, chuckling silently. Waldorf does a double take, then a take to the camera.)
Comments welcome as always.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
Here's my idea of what the episode might've been like. Enjoy!
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: GEORGE HARRISON
STYLE: LATE SEASON FIVE (circa Debbie Harry, Chris Langham)
COLD OPENING: Pops swats at a (too small to see) bug with a flyswatter. George enters.
Pops: "Oh, who're you?"
George: "I'm George Harrison. I'm tonight's guest on The Muppet Show."
Pops: "George Harrison... nope! Sorry, not ringing any bells."
George: "Would it help if I mentioned I used to sing with the Beatles?"
Pops: "The Beetles? Well, why didn't you say so? We got the rest of 'em all here!"
George: "Really?"
Pops: "Yeah! Come on in, boys!"
(Muppet Beetles surround George.)
George: "Well, they warned me if things got too crazy that I might have to BUG OUT."
(The Beetles laugh.)
OPENING THEME:
GONZO OPENING: turns into Beetle. "Surprise!" (repeat from Dudley Moore episode)
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Thank you! Thank you! And welcome again to The Muppet Show! Hey, we’ve got a great show for you tonight because our guest star is one of original Beatles, as well as one of the world’s great singer-songwriters in his own right, Mr. George Harrison! Yes! And in honor of George, we’re going to do an all-Beatles evening. First up: let’s follow the sun.”
OPENING NUMBER: "I'll Follow the Sun" sung by the Beetles in a very 70s-ish storybook amalgamation set -- the sun shines above a city in the background, a forest, and a railroad crossing all jammed into one.
The Beetles attempt to perform but keep getting interrupted.
Beetles (singing): "One day, you'll look
To see I've gone
For tomorrow may rain, so
I'll follow the sun
Someday, you'll know
I was the one
For tomorrow may rain, so
I'll follow the sun"
(Beauregard enters.)
"Nowhere Man"
Beauregard: "I’m a real nowhere man
Sitting in my nowhere land
Making all my nowhere plans
For nobody"
Beetles (resuming): "And now the time has come
And so, my love, I must go
And though I lose a friend,
In the end
You will know
Oh, oh, oh --"
(Gonzo and the chickens enter.)
"I Am the Walrus"
GONZO (singing): "I am the Eggman"
CHICKENS (singing): "Bawk bawk buh-bawk bawk!"
WALRUS (pops up, singing): "I am the walrus! Goog goog g'joob!"
Beetles: "One day, you'll find
That I have gone
For tomorrow may rain, so
I'll follow the sun"
(They play the instrumental break.)
Beetles: “Yes, tomorrow may rain, so
I’ll follow the sun”
(The Electric Mayhem arrives on a train.)
"Ticket to Ride"
Floyd (singing): "I think I'm gonna be sad,
I think it's to--"
EM (singing): "-- day! Yeah!
The girl that's drivin' me mad
Is goin' away, yeah.
She's got a ticket to ride,
She's got a ticket to ri-i-ide,
She's got a ticket to ride,
But she don't care"
Beetle 1: "What else could go wrong?"
Beetles: ""And now the time has come
And so, my love, I must go
And though I lose a friend,
In the end
You will know
Oh, oh, oh --"
(A yellow submarine surfaces, with Lew Zealand inside)
"Yellow Submarine"
Lew (singing): "We all live in a yellow submarine
Yellow submarine
Yellow submarine
We all live in a yellow submarine
Yellow submarine
Yellow submarine"
(Kermit interrupts.)
Kermit: "Stop! Stop! Hold it! What is going on here? Can't we get together on this?"
Gonzo: "What a great idea!"
"All Together Now"
Muppets: "All together now --"
Kermit: "All together now?"
Muppets: "All together now --"
Kermit: "All together now!"
Muppets: "All together now!"
(Mahna Mahna pops up.)
Mahna Mahna: "Mahna mahna!"
Muppets: "All together now!"
(CUT TO Statler & Waldorf’s box.)
Waldorf: “What did you think of that?”
Statler: “I think they ought to take the Beatles’ advice.”
Waldorf: “And do what?”
Statler: “Let it be.”
(S & W laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: The cast returns from the stage.
Kermit: “Good job, everybody. Nice number.”
(The Beetles are bringing up the rear. Three of them set up a dressing screen for the fourth (the red and purple one).)
Kermit: “Good job, fellas. I’m sorry about the way that number turned out.”
Alexander Beetle: “Oh, don’t worry about it. The next one’ll be better.”
Kermit: “The next one what?”
Martin (Purple & Green Beetle): “Well, when you said you were doing an all-beetles evening, we pulled out all the stops and worked up a half hour of variety entertainment!”
Kermit: “What?!”
Roger (Blue-Green Beetle): “Yeah! Next up is Lester doing a comic monologue!”
(Lester, the red & purple beetle, emerges from behind the screen wearing a Fozzie hat & bowtie.)
Lester: “Bugga, bugga, bugga!”
Kermit: “Wait a minute, guys. When I said we were having an all-Beatles evening, I meant it would be all Beatles music.”
Lester: “What?!”
(The Beetles grumble and walk away.)
Kermit: “I’m sorry about that.”
(The Electric Mayhem makes their way to the stage. Kermit stops Floyd.)
Kermit: “Oh Floyd, why are you wearing your suit jacket? I thought you were going to wear the suit with the epaulets.”
Floyd: “Yeah, well, the threads don’t make the man, man. I left it at home.”
Kermit: “Oh, that’s too bad. I thought it’d be appropriate since we have George Harrison on the show tonight. That outfit always reminded me of the Beatles’ “Sgt. Pepper” album.”
Floyd: “Mm-hmm. Yeah, well, there’s a reason for that.”
(Floyd exits to the stage. Kermit turns to face the camera.)
Kermit (deadpan): “Gee, do you suppose there’s more to that?”
CURTAIN: Kermit enters, accompanied by his “ta-da” theme.
Kermit: “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re happy now to present one of the world’s truly great performers. So here he is now, going bananas in his cracker box palace with all of our resident nuts, ladies and gentlemen, George Harrison!”
SONG: "Crackerbox Palace" – open on Timmy Monster (in drag) pushing a baby carriage.
George pops out of the carriage, singing.
George (singing): “I was so young when I was born
My eyes could not yet see
And by the time of my first dawn
Somebody holding me . . . they said”
(They arrive at a palatial estate, where they’re greeted by Fozzie, Gonzo, and Lew Zealand, in crazy costumes; Crazy Harry, the Four Fazoobs, a Gills Brother, Uncle Deadly (as Greif, with a top hat), Mulch, Angus McGonagle, the pink Frackle, the Gorilla, and the March Hare.)
“I welcome you to Crackerbox Palace
We've been expecting you
You bring such joy in Crackerbox Palace
No matter where you roam know our love is true
While growing up or trying to
Not knowing where to start”
(Two lingerie-clad chorus girls appear.)
“I looked around for someone who
May help reveal my heart - someone said”
(Link, in cop uniform, enters, and starts prodding George.)
“While you're a part of Cracerbox Palace
Do what the rest all do
Or face the fact that Crackerbox Palace
May have no other choice than to deport you”
(Timmy Monster (wearing a Colonel’s uniform) and Sweetums (wearing a policeman’s hat) stand, arms crossed, at the gate, like bouncers.)
(During the instrumental break, George and the Muppets saunter around the courtyard to the beat.)
“I welcome you to Crackerbox Palace
We've been expecting you
You bring us joy in Crackerbox Palace
No matter where you roam know our love is true”
(The two chorus girls re-appear.)
“Sometimes are good...”
(They disappear.)
“Sometimes are bad
That's all a part of life”
(Through two rows of Muppets, we spy Uncle Deadly seated in a grand chair, wearing the addition of a top hat.)
“And standing in between them all
I met a Mr. Grief - and he said
I welcome you to Crackerbox Palace
Was not expecting you
Let's rap and tap at Crackerbox Palace
Know that the Lord is well and inside of you”
(George drives the Muppets on a small cart.)
“And we welcome you to Crackerbox Palace
We've been expecting you
You bring such joy in Crackerbox Palace
No matter where you roam know our love is true”
(They’re all seated at a grand banquet table in the courtyard.)
“You bring such joy in Crackerbox Palace
No matter where you roam know our love
Know our love is true”
(All wave as the camera pulls back and the song ends.)
(CUT TO Statler & Waldorf’s box.)
Statler: “This show reminds me of a birth announcement.”
Waldorf: “Why?”
Statler: “Because you expect a little stranger!”
(They laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: The Muppets return from the stage. Kermit flags down Floyd.
Kermit: “Oh, Floyd! Floyd, is there something bothering you tonight?”
Floyd: “Mm, you might say that.”
Kermit: “Well, what is it?”
Floyd: “Well, you know how you mentioned my outfit reminded you of Sgt. Pepper?”
Kermit: “Of course.”
Floyd: “There’s a good reason for that: I AM Sgt. Floyd Pepper.”
Kermit: “Oh, I know that.”
Floyd: “Mm, I don’t think you do, man. I’m not A Sgt. Pepper, I’m THE Sgt. Pepper!”
Kermit: “Really?”
Floyd: “Yeah, man. The Lonely Hearts Club Band was my first serious gig! The Beatles used to come around when they were just a bunch of lads. I taught ‘em everything!”
Kermit: “Gee Floyd, I had no idea.”
Floyd: Yeah, you or anyone else, man. I mean, don’t get me wrong! I dig the Beatles. They’re all talented and they put down some out of sight music, man. I wish ‘em well, all of ‘em. But they went on to “worldwide fame” and “Beatle-mania”. And what have I got? A house band gig on the Variety Freak Show.”
(Kermit frowns.)
Floyd: “I mean, what have I got to show for it? When is it my time, man?”
Kermit: “I – Floyd, I don’t know what to say. Who else have you told about this?”
Floyd: “Mm, haven’t really told anyone, man.”
Kermit: “Well, maybe that’s your problem. If you want recognition, you can’t keep it a secret.”
Floyd: “You think so, huh?”
Kermit: “Oh, I know so! Everyone will be interested to hear it! Look, here comes Janice. Why don’t you say something?”
Floyd: “Okay. Hey, baby! Got a second?”
(Floyd repeatedly tries to interrupt, unsuccessfully.)
Janice: “Oo, sorry honey. I’m rully busy right now! I have go to get on stage for Vet’s Hospital and then get ready for my number with George! Wow, I can’t believe it. Here I am about to perform with one of the Beatles. This is lifelong ambition come true! Can you imagine getting to perform with one of the Beatles? Well, wish me luck!”
(Behind them, Lester Beetle heads toward the stage.)
Floyd: “Don’t expect me to sweep this under the rug.”
Lester: “Under the rug?! But that’s where my dressing room is!”
(He’s slack-jawed.)
Kermit: “No, no, no! When he says that –“
Lester: “No, Mr. Kermit, it’s all right. We’ll talk about it when I’m done with this sketch.”
(Aside, to Floyd)
“Lucky for him I’m a consummate professional.”
(Lester runs onstage. Kermit & Floyd both do a slow take to the camera.)
VET'S HOSPITAL: Piggy scans the room, flyswatter at the ready. She swats a bug (too small for us to see.)
Announcer: “And now, Veterinarian’s Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who’s gone to the dogs.”
Piggy: “Dr. Bob, are you ready for the next patient?”
Dr. Bob: “I don’t know, there’s something about this that BUGS me!”
Janice: “Well, that’s no surprise.”
(Dr. Bob pulls back the sheet, revealing Lester Beetle, who mugs for the camera. Dr. Bob shudders.)
Dr. Bob: “Yeech! Nurse, hand me the bug spray!”
Piggy: “No, no, Dr. Bob! This is the patient.”
Dr. Bob: “I was afraid of that. Well, what seems to be your trouble?”
Lester: “I’ve got stiffness in my legs.”
Dr. Bob: “Both of them?”
Lester: No, just three of them.”
(Laughter.)
Dr. Bob: “I forgot insects have six legs.”
Piggy: “And six feet.”
Janice: “Wow, can you imagine buying all those shoes?”
Piggy: “Well, I like buying new shoes.”
Dr. Bob: “I don’t think I could picture you buying shoes six at a time. Wait a minute! On second thought, I think I could fathom it.”
Piggy: “Why?”
Dr. Bob: “’Cause there are six feet in a fathom!”
(Laughter.)
Lester: “Can we hurry this up? I’ve got a hot date with a moth!”
Dr. Bob: “A date with a moth? Where are you taking her?”
Lester: “To the Moth Gala Dinner Dance!”
Dr. Bob: “Moth Gala Dinner Dance? I didn’t know moths had swanky affairs.”
Lester: “You mean you’ve never heard of moth balls?”
(Laughter.)
Dr. Bob: “Listen, in case anything goes wrong, do you have any next of kin you’d like us to notify?”
Lester: “My aunt.”
Dr. Bob: “Maternal or paternal?”
Lester: “Army.”
Dr. Bob: “Army wasn’t a choice. Wait a minute! Don’t tell me, I know. She’s an –“
All: “Army ant!”
(Laughter.)
Janice: “Oh, wow. Like, I read that an army ant can lift 50 times its own body weight.”
Dr. Bob: “Well, we’ll call her if we need any heavy lifting.”
Lester: “I wouldn’t count on it, Doc. No one can carry this sketch!”
(Laughter.)
Dr. Bob: “Touché! And so we come to the end!”
Announcer: “And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian’s Hospital. Tune in next week when we’ll hear Dr. Bob say –“
Dr. Bob: “Seriously, though, who should we put down as your emergency contact?”
Lester: “Well, definitely NOT my cousin Nelson. He was sentenced to life on a chain gang, picking fruit.”
Dr. Bob: “Picking fruit? Wait, don’t tell me! You mean he’s working in –“
Lester: “That’s right!”
All: “Strawberry fields, forever!”
(All laugh.)
MUPPET NEWS: The Newsman rushes in.
Newsman: “Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire, though rather small, were counted today in the first of a string of hole-tracking projects. In a related story the Muppet Newsroom hole count has also been released, with a total of one.”
(He looks up.)
“One hole in the Muppet Newsroom?”
(He looks around.)
“I don’t recall seeing any – AH!”
(He screams and falls down the hole.)
SONG: "Here Comes the Sun" - George and Janice play an acoustic version on a bare stage.
George & Janice: “Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right”
George: “Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here”
Both: “Here comes the sun, here comes the sun --”
George: “And I say –“
Both: “-- it's all right
Little darling --”
Janice: “-- the smiles returning to the faces”
Both: “Little darling –“
Janice: “-- it seems like years since it's been here”
Both: “Here comes the sun,
Doot n’ doo doo
Here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
It's all right, it's all right”
(They play the closing bars. APPLAUSE.)
UK SPOT: "Come Together" - Electric Mayhem with Flattop the Cowboy (who falls apart) in front of a black backdrop.
Dr. Teeth (singing): “Here come old flattop, he come grooving up slowly
He got –“
Dr. Teeth & Floyd: “-- joo-joo eyeball, he one holy roller
He got –-“
Dr. Teeth, Floyd & Janice: “-- hair down to his knee”
Dr. Teeth: “Got to be a joker he just do what he please”
Floyd: “He wear no shoeshine, he got toe-jam football
He got –-“
Floyd & Janice: “-- monkey finger, he shoot Coca-Cola
He say, "I know you, you know me.
One thing I can tell you is you got to be free”
All: “Come together right now over me”
Floyd: “He bag production, he got –-“
Floyd & Janice: “-- walrus gumboot
He got –-“
Floyd, Janice & Dr. Teeth: “-- Ono sideboard, he one spinal cracker
He got feet down below his knee”
Floyd: “Hold you in his armchair you can feel his disease”
All: “Come together right now over me”
Dr. Teeth: “He roller-coaster, he got –“
Dr. Teeth & Floyd: “-- early warning
He got –-“
Dr. Teeth, Floyd & Janice: “-- muddy water, he one mojo filter
He say, "One and one, and one is three."
Got to be good-looking 'cause he's so hard to see”
All: “Come together right now over me
Oh
Come together
Yeah, come together
Yeah, come together
Yeah, come together
Yeah, come together
Yeah, come together
Yeah, come together
Yeah, oh
Come together
Yeah, come together”
(Flattop falls on the band.)
BEAR ON PATROL: Theme music.
Announcer: “Ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear On Patrol!”
(Theme music. Open on Link at his desk. Fozzie enters, tugging a handcuffed Lester Beetle along with him.)
Link: “Patrol Bear! How many times have I told you to clean up around here?”
Fozzie: “But, sir –-“
Link: “You see what happens? We get bugs!”
Fozzie: “But, Sergeant!”
Link: “Now, now, just take him outside and squash him.”
Fozzie: “But sir, this is my prisoner!”
Link: “Oh, well that’s different. What are the charges?”
Fozzie: “Unlawful entry and burglarizing bread crumbs!”
Link: “Not much of a charge, the bread crumbs part, but we can do something with the unlawful entry charge, I’m sure.”
Lester: “This is all a mistake! Really!”
Link: “Now, wait a minute. You’ll have your chance to speak.”
Lester: “I will?”
Link: “Yeah… In court!”
(They laugh.)
Alexander Beetle (O.S.): “Let him speak!”
(They all look around for the source of the voice.)
Link: “Who said that?”
Alexander: “I did!”
(Reveal he’s RIGHT BEHIND Link, sitting casually on a shelf in the corner.)
Link: “Uh, how did you get in here?”
Alexander: “Through a crack in the wall! You know, you ought to watch what you say about us bugs.”
Link: “Patrol Bear, call an exterminator.”
Martin Beetle (off-screen): “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
Link & Fozzie: “Wha?”
(They turn to spot Martin, briefcase at the ready, sitting on the telephone.)
Martin: “Martin Beetle, attorney at law. My card.”
Link: “Now, wait just a minute! How did he get in here?!”
Martin: “Through the pantry cupboard!”
Link: “Now, hold on! Wait just a second. You can’t just barge in here like this.”
Martin: “Officer, my client has a right to be heard.”
Link: “Uh, uh, Patrol Bear –-“
Fozzie: “Yes, sir!”
Link: “Take all these guys and lock ‘em up.”
Fozzie: “You got it! All right, come on you guys! Into the cell!”
(The bugs protest, and start to crawl all over him. Alexander crawls up Fozzie’s back.)
Fozzie: “Wait a minute – whahahaaaah! Ah! Will you get off of me?! Argh!”
(Fozzie tosses Alexander off of his back. Alexander stands up & shakes if off. Fozzie grabs him, still holding onto Martin.)
Fozzie: “All right now, into the cell. Let’s -- hey, wait a minute. Where’d the other one go?”
(Lester is up on the shelf in the corner.)
Lester: “You’ll have to catch me first!”
(Lester starts crawling up the wall.)
Link: “Uh, wait a minute!”
Fozzie: “Hey, you get down from there! Waugh!”
(Alexander and Martin escape his grip, fleeing in opposite directions.)
(Link grabs a flyswatter, and starts swatting at Lester on the ceiling. Lester grabs the flyswatter with his mouth, and tosses it aside.)
Link: “Hey!”
Martin: “Sergeant, I have here a writ of habeas corpus.”
Link: “Oh, yeah?”
Fozzie: “Ah!”
(Alexander has picked up the flyswatter, and is swatting at Fozzie, who blocks with his hat.)
Link: “Well, I’ve got a paper, too!”
(Link rolls up a newspaper, and swats at Martin.)
Link: “What do you have to say to that, smarty-poo?”
(Link gets a bop on the head from behind with a rolled-up newspaper. Reveal it was from Lester, who is also holding a rolled-up newspaper.)
(Fozzie ducks and dodges Alexander, then succeeds in grabbing him by the arm.)
Fozzie: “Ha! Ha! NOW what are you going to do? AH!”
(Lester drops down from the ceiling and lands on Fozzie.)
Link: “Wait! Hold on a minute, this is getting completely out of hand! GASP!”
(Roger Beetle crawls out of Link’s desk.)
Roger Beetle (O.S.): “Hey, guys! I’ve organized a demonstration! Within 10 minutes, this place will be crawling with protesters!”
(Lester & Alexander are crawling on Fozzie again.)
Fozzie: “I think –- whoa! I think there’s already enough crawling going on in here already! Sergeant!”
Link: “Uh… uh… It’s a misdemeanor! Let ‘em off with a warning! You’re free to go!”
Fozzie: “Yeah, everybody out! Shoo! Shoo! Go on! Get out of here!”
(The beetles all take off. Link & Fozzie breathe a sigh of relief.)
Fozzie: “You think we made the right call?”
Link (exhausted): “I don’t know.”
Fozzie: “Anything else we should do?”
Link: “Yes. To prevent a repeat of this situation, you’d better check the mousetraps.”
(A flurry of rats enter.)
Rats: “Mousetraps?!”
(The rats jump Link & Fozzie, tackling them to the ground. End music cue.)
DRESSING ROOM: Kermit is sitting with George.
Kermit: “And that’s the whole story.”
George: “Well, I’m glad you told me, Kermit. I feel just terrible about Floyd, that a man who’s given me so much feels he has so little.”
Kermit: “… You mean it’s true?”
George: “Oh, yes! Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band was tops when the Beatles first got together. There was Morris Hopscotch, the lead singer; and Nigel Dithering, the drummer; and Peter Dimpton-Smythe, lead guitarist. Matter of fact, they all still live ‘round here. But Sgt. Floyd Pepper, he was the most influential. He taught us all so much. I wish there was something I could do for him.”
(There’s a knock at the door. Floyd sticks his head through.)
Floyd: “Hey, George!”
George: “Hey, Floyd! Come on in! We were just talking about you.”
(Floyd enters.)
Floyd: “Oh?”
George: “I was just telling Kermit how big an influence you were on the Beatles, and I wanted to say thank you. I know I haven’t said it enough.”
Floyd: “Yeah, well, I appreciate that. Doesn’t change the facts, though, man.”
Kermit: “Now, wait a minute, Floyd –“
Floyd: “Look, man I think it’s great, everything you guys put down. I just gotta go my own way if I wanna get some recognition.”
Kermit: “Floyd, you don’t mean that you’d really leave us.”
Floyd: “’Fraid so, ol’ froggy friend. But hey, I won’t forget you, man.”
(He holds out his palm.)
“Slap me five, man, for old times’ sake.”
Kermit: “Floyd, I think you ought to think this through.”
Floyd: “All right, never mind. I hate long goodbyes as much as you, so I’ll just slide on outta here.”
(He goes out the door and calls for Janice.)
BACKSTAGE: Floyd looks for Janice.
Floyd: “Come on, babe, where you at?”
(Janice enters.)
Janice: “Honey, what is it?”
Floyd: “I’m anklin’.”
Janice (gasps): “Anklin’?”
Floyd: “Yeah, goin’ off on my own, to see my name in lights. You comin’?”
Janice: “Gee, Floyd, I don’t know. It’s so sudden. I –“
(She looks around)
“I don’t know if I can. I’ve really grown to like it here. And I know you like it here, too.”
(She reaches for him and he recoils.)
Floyd: “Mm-hmm. Okay, I see how it is. You’d rather stay here. Well, fine. Be that way. Anyway, I travel better when I travel light.”
(Janice gasps as Floyd heads down the stairs and out the door. Animal greets him at the landing.)
Floyd: “Animal, stay!”
Animal: “Stay!”
Floyd: “Good Animal!”
Animal: “Good Animal!”
(Floyd turns to leave and Animal once again tries to follow him.)
Floyd: “No, Animal! You stay here!”
(Animal turns the camera and widens in eyes in confusion.)
Animal: “Wha?”
Floyd: “Aw, listen, fuzzy face, I’m going out on my own now. Alone.”
Animal: “A-lone! A-lone! A-lone!”
Floyd: “Yeah, which means you stay, and I go.”
Animal: “Go?”
Floyd: “Yeah, go.”
Animal: “Animal go! Animal go!”
Floyd: “No! No, Animal!”
Animal: “No!”
Floyd: “Stay!”
Animal: “Stay!”
Floyd: “Heel!”
Animal: “Heel!”
(Floyd looks up to where Janice & Kermit look on.)
Floyd: “Take care of him, will ya?”
Kermit: “You always have a home here, Floyd.”
Floyd: “Mm, thanks, Kermit.”
(He exits. Animal skulks over to Kermit’s desk. Kermit & Janice come to comfort him.)
Kermit (patting Animal): “There, there, Animal.”
(Animal bolts upright and his eyes widen.)
Animal: “No pat! NO PAT!”
(He bites Kermit and beats him down. He freaks out and starts tearing up Kermit’s desk.)
(CUT TO the Alley. Floyd sets down his bass guitar case and takes a deep breath.)
Floyd: “Ah, the smell of freedom. Everything’s in front of me.”
(He looks around.)
“Hmm, trouble is, I don’t know which way I should go.”
(He looks back toward the theater.)
“Hmm, it was easier to know where I was going, and know I was always welcome.”
(He sits down on a crate and pulls out his bass.)
SONG: Floyd sings “Yesterday” in the alley.
Floyd (singing): “Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly I'm not half the man I used to be.
There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.
Why she had to go, I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Why she had to go, I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm”
(AUDIENCE SHOT)
SONG: "Octopus's Garden" - a la the Ed Sullivan Show, with Scooter on lead vocals, octopus backing vocals, and Lew Zealand’s fish puns.
Scooter (singing): “I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade”
(Herbie, the green octopus, enters from below, while Lew Zealand enters, swimming in the background.)
Scooter: “He'd let us in, knows where we've been
In his octopus's garden in the shade”
Lew: “That song sounds fishy. Hee hee!”
Scooter: “I'd ask my friends to come and see
An octopus's garden with me”
Lew: “Holy mackerel!”
Scooter: “I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade”
Lew: “Hey, do you sing that way on porpoise?”
(Herbie the octopus joins in on “la la la”.)
Scooter: “We would be warm below the storm
In our little hideaway beneath the waves”
Lew: “Did you see my haircut –- I got scalloped!”
Herbie: “Resting our head on the sea bed
In an octopus's garden near a cave”
Lew: “Sing louder –- I’m hard of herring!”
Scooter & Herbie: “We would sing and dance around
Because we know we can't be found”
Lew: “Sing that tuna with sole!”
Scooter & Herbie: “I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade”
(Instrumental.)
Lew: “I went to see an old underwater movie yesterday -– it starred Theda Barracuda!”
(Music.)
Lew: “One of those classic stories of buoy meets gull!”
(Music.)
Lew: “It smelt! Hee hee!”
Scooter: “We would shout and swim about
The coral that lies beneath the waves”
Lew: “Who goes there, friend or anemone? Hee hee!”
Scooter: “Oh what joy for every girl and boy
Knowing they're happy and they're safe”
Lew (holding a deck of cards): “Pick a cod, any cod!”
Scooter & Herbie: “We would be so happy you and me
No one there to tell us what to do”
Lew: “Knock, knock.”
Herbie: “Who’s there?”
Lew: “Salmon.”
Scooter: “Salmon who?”
Lew (singing): “Salmon chanted evening!”
(Lew cracks up.)
Scooter: “Why are you doing this?”
Lew: “Oh, just for the halibut!”
(Lew busts up laughing.)
Scooter & Herbie: “I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden…”
(A Giant Clam swims in behind Lew.)
Lew: “Abalone!”
(Giant Clam eats Lew.)
Scooter & Herbie: “-- with you”
(Music draws to a close. Giant Clam burps.)
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Well folks, I have a sad announcement to make. Our resident bass player, Sgt. Floyd Pepper, is leaving to pursue higher career aspirations.”
Floyd (O.S.): “Wait a minute!”
(He rushes in.)
Kermit: “Floyd? What’s going on?”
Floyd: “Well, it’s… I… well, I, uh…”
(He scratches the back of his head, searching for the words, then decides to play it cool.)
“I haven’t left yet, that’s all.”
Kermit: “Haven’t left yet?”
Floyd: “Yeah, I mean, uh, I’ve got to make arrangements and all that, so…”
(George Harrison enters.)
George: “Excuse me. Am I interrupting?”
Kermit: “Uh, yes.”
Floyd: “Uh, no!”
Kermit: “Really?”
George: “I just had to come out here and pay tribute to my friend, Floyd: the original Sgt. Pepper. Neither myself nor any of the other Beatles would be where we are today without you.”
Floyd: “Yeah, well, that’s mighty copacetic of you to say, and all, but…”
George: “And just to show it, I called up your old Lonely Hearts Club Band to play on this stage, right here and now!”
Floyd: “What?!”
(The curtain opens on a bandstand where Floyd’s old band awaits. APPLAUSE.)
George: “Get up there.”
Floyd (trying to hear over the applause): “What?”
George: “Get on up there!”
(Floyd rushes to take his place with the band. George and Kermit exit the shot. Lead singer Morris starts up.)
Morris: “It was twenty years ago today
Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play
They've been going in and out of style
But they're guaranteed to raise a smile
So may I introduce to you
The act you've known for all these years
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band”
All: “We're Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
We hope you will enjoy the show
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
Sit back and let the evening go
Sgt. Pepper's lonely, Sgt. Pepper's lonely
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band”
CURTAIN: The curtain closes. Kermit, Floyd & Morris enter.
Morris: “Floyd, I can’t tell you what a gas it is to perform with you again.”
Floyd: “Oh well, back at’cha, man!”
Morris: “You know, we’ve still got the old magic. We could start touring again.”
Floyd: “Well, uh, I’m blown away by the offer, man, but uh, I still got a lot of groove to lay down around this joint.”
Kermit: “Translate for me: does that mean you’re staying?”
Floyd (feigning cool detachment): “Mmm… for the time being.”
Kermit: “Oh, good! Well, uh, welcome back!”
Floyd: “Heh, thanks, man.”
Kermit: “And, uh, you’ve got some work to do here in George’s next number.”
Floyd: “All right! Now you’re talkin’!”
(He goes behind the curtain.)
Kermit: “Okay, well, uh, all’s well that ends well, so now it’s time for our closing number! Is everybody ready back there?”
Band (O.S.): “Yeah, yeah.”
Kermit: “Okay, ladies and gentlemen, here is our own Electric Mayhem band -- featuring Sgt. Floyd Pepper –- with Mr. George Harrison! YAY!”
CLOSING NUMBER: "Give Me Love, Give Me Peace on Earth" - George sings with the Electric Mayhem in the bandstand set.
George (singing): “Give me love
Give me love
Give me peace on earth
Give me light
Give me life
Keep me free from birth
Give me hope
Help me cope, with this heavy load
Trying to, touch and reach you with,
heart and soul
OM M M M M M M M M M M M M M
M M M My Lord . . .
PLEASE take hold of my hand, that
I might understand you
Won't you please
Oh won't you
Give me love
Give me love
Give me peace on earth
Give me light
Give me life
Keep me free from birth
Give me hope
Help me cope, with this heavy load
Trying to, touch and reach you with,
heart and soul
Oh…”
(George plays an arpeggio on his acoustic, signaling the end of the song. APPLAUSE.)
GOODNIGHTS: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “And so, as all things must pass, we come to the end of a day in the life of The Muppet Show! But before we say goodnight, goodbye, and head off to golden slumbers, let’s all come together and -– you know what to do –- give a warm thank you to our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, George Harrison! Yay!”
(George enters.)
George: “Thank you, Kermit. I’ve had a wonderful time.”
Kermit: “Oh, I am so glad!”
George: “Except one thing still bugs me.”
Kermit: “Uh-oh. What’s that?”
George: “The beetles.”
Kermit: “You bugged by your old band?”
George: “Not THE Beatles –-“
(Lester & Alexander Beetle pop up.)
“-- THESE beetles.”
(The beetles chuckle silently.)
Kermit: “That’s our kind of joke, George. We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”
(George, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Floyd, Janice, Rizzo (in Sgt. Pepper jacket), Lew Zealand, the Walrus, Lester Beetle & Alexander Beetle gather around.)
(In S & W’s box, Statler is standing, getting ready to leave)
Waldorf: “Same time next week?”
Statler: “I’ll have to let you know.”
Waldorf: “Why?”
Statler: “I think I picked up a bug.”
Waldorf: “Oh.”
(Statler turns to exit, revealing Alexander Beetle hanging onto his back, chuckling silently. Waldorf does a double take, then a take to the camera.)
Comments welcome as always.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
