TMS Script - Boris Karloff (HALLOWEEN SPECIAL!)

[Dil]

This is a special episode of The Muppet Show. Boris Karloff (1887-1969) is famous of Horror and Drama.

STYLE: Early Season 5 (circa Loretta Swit, Joan Baez)

AIRING DATES: 10/31/1980

COLD OPENING/ENTRANCE

(The entrance is a little darker.)

(Pops is patting his Jack-O-Lantern until he hears a strange noise, as smoke comes out the door.)

POPS: "Wh-W-Who's there?"

(The smoke appears to be Boris Karloff with a black cape and red eyes.)

POPS: "Oh! W-wh-who are you?"

BORIS: "I am Boris Karloff... King of Drama... and I have been invited to be the next guest star on the show, otherwise known as... (echoes) The Haunted Muppet Show."

POPS: "Oh, y-y-yes... Uh, Boris Karloff... You're my favorite horror actor since I was a... T-t-teenager."

BORIS: "How many of my friends came with me... you asked? Here they are... (echoes) with I taking over the show."

(Dramatic Sting plays, then monsters, including Boppity, Uncle Deadly, Timmy Monster, Green Heap, Flower Eating Monster, and bats.)

POPS: "This is going to be the strangest show, y-y-yes?"

(Boris chuckles evilly.)

BORIS: "I'll show YOU what's strange."

(Boris zaps Pops, which then disappears.)

DEADLY: "Master, what shall we do?"

BORIS: "Why don't we... make things... (echoes) Weird?"

(Boris laughs evilly, then thunder claps.)

BORIS: "Ha ha! I like it."

OPENING THEME

(The font of the logo is red and spooky and says The Haunted Muppet Show, and the background is dark purple.)

KERMIT: "It's The Haunted Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Boris Karloff! YAAAAAY--"

(Thunder claps, and were-wolf howls.)

KERMIT: "What the hey?"

(The theme is a lot different. The set onstage is a Graveyard, with ghosts, monsters, mummies, bats, and other creeps. Plus the title logo is red and bloody-like.)

GONZO AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SHOW:
Green smoke with a large bulgy eye with red iris comes out of the horn.
GONZO: "This is a dramatic moment...!" Gonzo then faints.

CURTAIN

(As Kermit dressed like Dracula enters, The Count's eerie theme music plays.)

KERMIT: "Thank you, greetings... and welcome, if you dare, to...
The Haunted Muppet Show. Today is Halloween, and Halloween is the strangest time of year. Our guest star is none other than the talented of Horror and Drama, Boris Karloff!"

(Audience gasps.)

KERMIT: "Yes, so tonight things are going to be a little more stranger, even to us."

(The stage gets darker, and a skeleton Angler Fish appears.)

KERMIT: "Hoo! And now, Uh, meet our own skeleton... f-fish... at the deep parts of the Dead Paciffic Ocean... Aah! Um... (echoes) let the scariness begins.."

(Scared Kermit leaves as the Angler Fish chases him.)

OPENING NUMBER: Somewhere Beyond The Sea w/ Skeleton Fish

(Skeleton fish sing this eerie and C minor version of this song at the real live deep parts of the Paciffic Ocean.)

BALCONY

(Statler and Waldorf are dressed as detectives.)

WALDORF: "The waves could've beaten our balcony."

STATLER: "Aha! The waves have neat beats."

(Both laugh.)

BACKSTAGE

(The backstage set for this episode is eerie.)

KERMIT: "OK, weird number, fishies."

FISH: "Thank you, I've been told from Fish to Fish."

KERMIT: "What did you fish for?"

(One fish shows up a number 1.)

KERMIT: "Hmph! My good joke."

(The skeleton fish leave.)

SCOOTER: (dressed as a Scarecrow) "Hey, boss?"

KERMIT: "What?"

SCOOTER: "My twin-sister, Skeeter, invited me to her next Halloween party. My uncle who owns the theater is invited too. Before I go, I'll need someone to replace me."

KERMIT: "OK, maybe you'll stay here and watch our guest star moment."

SCOOTER: "That would be good."

(As Boris comes out his dressing room, dramatic music plays.)

BORIS: "I have played The Mummy, The Frankenstein Monster, The Grinch, etc. etc. What should I play?"

KERMIT: "Uh, Uh, Boris Karloff. Uh, I planned a new character for you."

BORIS: "What, Kermit, is it, my friend?"

KERMIT: "I think it's called "The Cobra Pharaoh."

(Boris chuckles evilly.)

BORIS: "Good... Blood... I can... feel it... (echoes) Hideously."

(Boris fades and disappears.)

SCOOTER: "Wow, how DID he do that?"

CURTAIN

(Sam the Eagle is intoducing the act.)

SAM: "And now, far away from America, is Egypt's most dangerous tomb,
The Tomb of the Poison. I'd hate to go there, but here it is The Tomb of The Poison, starring Gonzo The Great and the appalling... ugh! Boris Karloff."

(Sam mumbles as he leaves.)

SKETCH: The Tomb of The Poison w/ Gonzo, his Aunt Greta, Boris as The Cobra Pharaoh, & Snakes

(Dramatic Gong plays, as the curtain rises.)

(Gonzo & His Aunt Greta then enters the tomb.)

(The Original Gonzo puppet is used for Greta.)

GRETA: "Well, nephew Gonzo, here are we are at the... ahem... Tomb of The Poison."

GONZO: "When we discover the Idol of this Tomb, we could be the most famous archieologist here in Egypt. Right, Aunt Greta?"

(Strange noise appears to be heard, then Gonzo and Greta gets a little scared.)

GONZO: "Pant Pant Pant... Whew!"

GRETA: "If we don't... we'd be trapped. And perhaps another person can help, right?"

GONZO: "I think there's nothing around... for a while."

(A mysterious secret door opens, and then we see The Cobra Pharaoh AKA The Idol.)

GONZO: "That wasn't TOO hard."

GRETA: "Uh, no."

GONZO: "Maybe it isn't dangerous than I thought."

GRETA: "Hmm, maybe someone else went there and saw the idol, but some how that someone else have been killed by snakes.)

GONZO: "Don't worry, Aunt Greta. I'm a brave artist in the U.S.A."

GRETA: "Well... here goes nothing."

GONZO: "Ohh..."

(Gonzo and Greta walks to the Idol.)

BORIS: "Welcome to my Chamber. I am The Cobra Pharaoh, how may I become of assistance."

GONZO: "I wish to find the Great Treasure of this Tomb."

BORIS: "You mean me? (laughs) What a surprise. Come out, everyone."

(Snakes come out.)

GONZO: "I hope you don't bite."

SNAKE: "Unless you're stealing the Idol. He is too valuable."

GRETA: "We are unknown types of Archeologists."

GONZO: "I'd build a zoo of Snakes with the Idol."

BORIS: "What if I become a so fierce cobra, I'd burn down the fences or walls."

(Dramatic Gong plays, then The Cobra Pharaoh is transforming.)

GONZO: "Uh oh."

(The Pharaoh then turns into a real live cobra, that breaths fire.)

SNAKE: "Behold! The Power..!! Of The Cobra!!!"

GONZO: "Yikes! What the..?"

(Gonzo and Greta manages to get out, after the Cobra breathes fire in the air.)

(When Gonzo and Greta manages to get out, we see the shot of the outside of the Tomb.)

GONZO: "I think we made it."

GRETA: "What now?"

GONZO: "At least we would be on the Newspaper for being the first two to survive after seeing the Idol... AKA The Cobra Pharaoh."

(Dramatic Arabian End Music Plays.)

BALCONY

STATLER: "You know, that Boris Karloff is one of my spookiest, I could watch him all night."

WALDORF: (reading a newspaper) "Let's see... "Gonzo and his aunt, Greta, just explored the Tomb of The Poison, and after they discovered the Idol called "The Cobra Pharaoh", they managed to get out, before they got bitten or burned." Weird. Weird Show."

(A Snakes pops up from the newspaper.)

STATLER: "Son of a--"

(Waldorf shuts the newspaper.)

WALDORF: "Whew."

CURTAIN

(Gloat the Green Frackle replaces Kermit.)

GLOAT: "In honor of being green, I, Gloat the Green Frackle, am replacing that Kermit the Frog, Monsters are taking over the show. And now, here is our funnyman for this Halloween Season, Mr. Fozzie Bear! Whoo!!"

FOZZIE'S COMEDY SPOT

(The set is a graveyard.)

FOZZIE: "Thank you, Thank you, and Thank YOU! Haa! Don't worry about the Horrors. It's time for FUNNY! Haa!"

STATLER: "Well! I spy a Horrorible bear!"

(Statler and Waldorf laugh.)

FOZZIE: "OK, here's a joke, I once met a ghost so scary, he's Spooky! Haa!"

WALDORF: "Well? Would that ghost scare YOU?"

(Statler and Waldorf laugh.)

FOZZIE: "Oh boy."

DEADLY: "Are you Fozzie Bear?"

FOZZIE: "Yes, I'm Fozzie Bear."

DEADLY: "Curse you!! I curse! I wish! You would be FUNNY!"

(Deadly turns Fozzie into a Fozzie Frankestein.)

DEADLY: "Hahaha. I love it... (leaves)"

FOZZIE: "Uh, OK. What do you call two brainy monsters? Frank N' Stein!"

(The audience laugh loudly, as so does Statler and Waldorf.)

FOZZIE: "Haa! I'm so funny!--"

(Fozzie poofs and disappears.)

BACKSTAGE

(Gloat hears the phone rings then answers it.)

SCOOTER: "Hey, boss? This is Scooter."

GLOAT: "Hello there, Scooter. What is it?"

SCOOTER: "Hey! You're not Kermit!"

GLOAT: "Monsters are taking over the show."

SCOOTER: "OK, Mr. Monster, I'm at my twin-sister's Halloween Party. And Chopped Liver in backstage is replacing me."

GLOAT: "Alright."

(click, the phone is off, then Chopped Liver appears.)

LIVER: "Am I ready to substitute?"

GLOAT: "Goody Goody. What can I do?"

LIVER: "Can I watch something spooky while I wait for permission to be a gofer?"

GLOAT: "What?"

LIVER: "Oh, Would I?"

(Chopped Liver makes a whistle call, which a bunch of monsters appear.)

MUSICAL NUMBER: There Are A Million Of Us Who Are Ugly w/ Monsters

(A bunch of crazy monsters sing, while Chopped Liver conduct.)

VETERINARIAN'S HOSPITAL

(The patient is a ghost.)

ANNOUNCER: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital. The continuing sto...ry of a quack who's gone to the dogs."

ROWLF: "Well, Nurse Janice, who's the next patient?"

JANICE: "Here he is, Dr. Bob."

GHOST: "And I'm just in the hospital for laughs."

ROWLF: "Oh! Finally! A patient who wants to hear my jokes."

PIGGY: "At last, Dr. Bob's cure would be complete."

ROWLF: "Well, at least, he won't cry, "Boo-Hoo."

GHOST: "Good one. I and an invisible calf are going to the Mooving Business, ghost to ghost."

ROWLF: "I love it! I love it! Oh, Nurse Piggy, did you get it?"

PIGGY: "Who wrote a spiritive book, Dr. Bob?"

ROWLF: "Who must've heard of it, The Ghost Writer?"

ANNOUNCER: "And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in again next time when we'll hear the ghost say:"

GHOST: "I don't wanna get a drink. In fact, The bar doesn't serve spirits."

UK SPOT: The Raven Poem

(Limbo the Organized Mind tells a poem by Edgar Allen Poe, starring Rowlf as "I" and the Raven.)

CURTAIN

GLOAT: "The Gill Brothers had been eaten alive, since monsters are taking over the show. Here are... The Fang Brothers."

MUSICAL NUMBER: Ichabod w/ Fang Brothers

(The Fang Brothers, a group of Vampires, sings a song from The Adventures of Ichabod & Mr. Toad.)

(In the end, one of the audience throws a pumpkin at one of the Fang Brothers.)

DRESSING ROOM

(The dressing room is spooky, and features Boris and The Creature from The Black Lagoon.)

BORIS: "Alright, now, what sketch would you like to be at?"

CREATURE: "Excuse me, but I would like to be with The Swedish Chef."

BORIS: "Chopped. Chopped Liver."

CREATURE: "You mean the substitute-- ahem. How about a song? La de da de dum."

BORIS: "What if you're a terrible singer, and they'll BOO!-- at you?"

CREATURE: "Gasp! Alright! Pigs in Space?"

(Dramatic Sting plays.)

BORIS: "Ha-ha-hah-ha! OK. Alakazam-a-skace!!'

(Boris zaps The Creature into the sketch he (Creature) wants to be in.)

BORIS: "Ha. He fell for it."

PIGS IN SPACE

ANNOUNCER: "And now, PIGS IN SPACE!!!"

(Pigs in Space theme music plays.)

ANNOUNCER: "In our next episode, the Spaceship Swinetrek is on a quest to the planet, Mudswamp."

LINK: "Dr. Strangepork, what adventure do you think we could go to?"

STRANGEPORK: "Well, Link, I think we're close to the Planet Mudswamp."

PIGGY: "Heh. Not bad for a pig like me."

LINK: "We should be here, 30 seconds from..."

STRANGEPORK: "NOW!"

(We then see the Countdown.)

STRANGEPORK: "I need some mud. We've launched from Earth 40 days ago."

LINK: "No mud are in the Spaceship."

PIGGY: "I like to see those dummos get dirty. I like to be left alone."

LINK: "Dummos?!"

(Link karate-chop Piggy.)

PIGGY: "What a pay-back."

(When the Countdown goes to zero, money pops up.)

STRANGEPORK: "That means... we're here. Boy, am I smart."

LINK: "Yeah. I hope Piggy gets dirty, and lost in the planet, so it's time for a little--"

ANNOUNCER: "Stay tuned for part two, when the Swinetrek explores the planet, and find out who lives there."

LINK: "Quiet?"

MUPPET NEWSFLASH

NEWSMAN: "Here's A Planeterry Muppet Newsflash! (enters) The three of the crew of the Swinetrek is exploring the life of the planet, Mudswamp. In other news--"
(The newsroom turns into a swamp, then a crocodile appear then eats the Newsman.)

PIGS IN SPACE (part 2)

(We see the shot of the Swinetrek landing on the planet.)

ANNOUNCER: "In part 2, The crew of the Swinetrek lands on the planet Mudswamp."

LINK: "Well, Strangepork and Piggy, welcome to the filfiest."

PIGGY: "Hi-yah!"

(Piggy karate chops Link which then falls in the swamp.)

PIGGY: "Ha-ha-ha. Forgive moi."

(The Creature from The Black Lagoon appears.)

CREATURE: "Welcome to my swamp."

LINK: "Well, you're very welcome."

(Link uses his raygun, but doesn't work.)

CREATURE: "The more ray, the better my body. Wawahaha."

LINK: "What?"

CREATURE: "I like to rot my place... like this--"

(The Creature barfs at Strangepork, which then falls.)

STRANGEPORK: "Ugh! Look what you did! Uhhh, why?"

(The Creature laughs ugly.)

PIGGY: "I am the first mate to survive at this planet."

(An octopus arm grabs Piggy into the swamped water."

PIGGY: (in the water) "Or... am I the third mate?"

ANNOUNCER: "Tune in next week, when the Spaceship hates being dirty all day, and leaves the crew lost... in this very planet... if for awile... (echoes) or not."

(Pigs in Space end theme plays.)

BALCONY

WALDORF: "I hate puppies."

STATLER: "What kind of puppies."

WALDORF: "Mudpuppies!"

(both laugh.)

BACKSTAGE

(Kermit is back but backstage still spooky.)

KERMIT: "It's Not Easy Bein' Green... well, here I am back at the show."

(Piggy enters clean and fresh.)

PIGGY: "Hey, Kermie. Can we just watch the show?"

KERMIT: "OK."

PIGGY: "Quiet, this is a dramatic moment."

(Kermit sighs.)

KERMIT: "Here we go... (echoes) with Boris Karloff."

CLOSING NUMBER: An Old Fashioned Love Song w/ Boris & Monsters

(The set is a mysterious forest, and Boris here does this number in a eerie way.)

(During this number, more creep show up, including Fletcher Bird (with fangs) Frackles, Mummies, Jack-O-Lanterns, Skulls, Red Spiders and an audience of monsters.)

GOODNIGHTS

(The set is still the forest.)

KERMIT: "Well, things were a little strange, even to us. But before we go and
hide under our beds, let's give a warm thank you to our very SPOOKY guest star, Boris Karloff!"

(Boris appears in a strange transforming way.)

BORIS: "Thank you, Kermit. It's been a fantastic show. And I'm glad it is Halloween."

(Thunder claps.)

KERMIT: "Well, I'm glad I didn't stay for this whole show."

(Blood drops on Kermit.)

KERMIT: "Ugh! Well, Happy Halloween... and... we'll see you next time... uh, on The Muppet Show."

(The goodnights feature the Muppets from the finale.)

(The orchestra is replaced by Creeps.)

STATLER AND WALDORF'S CLOSING COMMENTS

WALDORF: "Trick... or Treat?"

(Statler zaps Waldorf.)

STATLER: "I like to treat him like that."

PERFORMER OUTLINE SCHEDULE

JIM HENSON: Kermit, Rowlf, Waldorf, Link

JERRY NELSON: Uncle Deadly, Announcer, Dr. Strangepork, Fang Brother, Limbo

FRANK OZ: Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Boppity, Fish, Fang Brother

DAVE GOELZ: Gonzo, Ghost, Chopped Liver, Fish, Fang Brother

RICHARD HUNT: Scooter, Statler, Janice, Creature, Gloat, Fang Brother, Raven

STEVE WHITMIRE: Timmy Monster, Fish

LOUISE GOLD: Others

KATHYTH MULLEN: Others

BETSY BAYTOS: Aunt Greta

GRAHAM FLETCHER: Fletcher Bird

(What do you think of this?)

 

[Timotheus]

That's great! Very thorough, detailed work. I like it. I think there is one discrepancy...if I'm not mistaken, I think "Somewhere Beyond The Sea" was actually written rather recently. I might be wrong, though. Otherwise, wonderful even if a bit dark (at least it's fittingly so).

 

[MartyMuppets]

Very well thought out even though some of your jokes were already used on episodes of the real Show. But you may not have realized. Still a good well put together outline. I hope you read some of our outlines. They may help you think up ideas for your own even better.

Excellent first attempt Dil. It's good to have you here with us.

 

[Timotheus]

*bump* Did no one else like this script? It's not that dark...heck, Alice Cooper was on TMS (I need to see that episode...).