TMS Outline--Special Guest Bea Arthur

[UncleMatt'sBack]

Now THIS is another one I've been toying around with for an incredibly long time. I think I finally put all the pieces together to make something that works.

COLD OPENING:

Scooter: "Bea Arthur, 15 seconds to curtain, Ms. Arthur!"

Bea: "Thank you, Scooter."

Scooter: "Uh...Ms. Arthur, I hope you don't mind sharing your dressing room. Space is tight around here."

Bea: "No, I don't mind. I've been in theatres with worse situations."

Scooter: "OK then...*yells out to someone we can't see* HEY GUYS! She said it was OK to use her dressing room!"

*in come the Flying Zucchini Brothers, who speak pseudo-Italian and shoot each other out of a cannon*

Bea: "Well, so much for being in theatres with worse situations."

OPENING THEME

STATLER & WALDORF GAG: they play the opening theme on Gonzo's ribs like a xylophone

GONZO 'O' GAG: instead of Gonzo, we see Zoot, who blows his customary ending note, then mumbles "Huh? Show over already?"

OPENING NUMBER: Scooter & Gobo play guitars and sing "King Of Bedside Manor". Gobo is actually wearing a pair of wire-rimmed glasses, so he can look somewhat similar to Scooter.

Waldorf: "I'm starting to like this show."

Statler: "You old fool, you've hated 'The Muppet Show' for years!"

Waldorf: "'The Muppet Show'? I thought we were at a Smothers Brothers taping!"

BACKSTAGE: Scooter, after the opening number, is brought back down to earth when he finds out his uncle has left his parrot, Eric, backstage for Scooter to babysit. The parrot starts to drive everyone crazy by repeating whatever people say--until Bea comes out of her dressing room. Bea was getting ready for a big solo number. No sooner does she say that than Eric perches on her head and won't get off, making the solo an impromptu duet.

SONG: "No Two People"--Bea and Eric sing this song from "Hans Christian Andersen".

Statler: "Have I mentioned this show is for the birds?"

Waldorf: "Every week!"

BACKSTAGE--Kermit promises Bea that the next sketch she appears in will be dignified. Meanwhile, Scooter still has his hands full with Eric--he doesn't want to make his uncle mad, but he doesn't want to watch the bird either.

MUPPET NEWSFLASH: The Newsman reports on a recent political summit, which he claims resulted in the same old Washington bull...and no sooner does he say that than a bull charges him.

SKETCH: "Monster of the Moors, Round Two"--Kermit narrates once again as Bea Arthur goes head to head in a battle of insults with Sweetums.

Bea: "I don't know what you pulled with Schreiber, but it's not gonna work with me!"

Sweetums: "Whoa! You're one of the tougher men that has tried to face me in a battle of insults!"

Bea: "I'm not a man, you overgrown furball, I'm a WOMAN!"

Sweetums: "Uh, sorry there, but with that deep voice it was hard to tell!"

UK SPOT: A female purple Whatnot muppet sings "Little Blue Man", as she fends off the (unwanted) affection of Gonzo. She finally pushes him off the roof of a building, and he forgets all about her after landing in a truck full of chickens.

SONG: "Steam Heat/Can You Picture That?"--the stage starts out with just a spotlight on Floyd and his bass guitar, singing "Steam Heat". One by one (in this order--Animal, Zoot, Dr. Teeth, Lips, Janice), the rest of the band comes on stage to accompany him. The lights go up to reveal the traditional Mayhem set, and they play "Can You Picture That?".

BACKSTAGE--Kermit notices Eric is missing. He asks Scooter what he did with the bird. Scooter reveals he left the bird in the care of Statler and Waldorf.

SKETCH--"Fozzie's Monologue"--Scooter learns the hard way that he shouldn't have left Eric with Statler & Waldorf, as they've taught the bird to say "The bear is an idiot!". Scooter watches as Fozzie gets heckled mercilessly, remarking "I should've left that dumb bird with the Swedish Chef!"

CLOSING NUMBER--Bea and the Muppets sing "Thank You For Being A Friend"--rather, Kermit leads the singing after thanking Bea for being such a good sport amidst all the craziness, and Bea ultimately joins in.

GOODNIGHTS--J.P. comes back and asks Scooter where Eric is, and then we see Eric in flight and in panic, being chased by the Swedish Chef.

In front of the red curtain: Kermit, Bea, Scooter, J.P., Eric, the Swedish Chef, and Sweetums

CLOSING THEME

Waldorf: "You know, sometimes I hate the fact that my memory's going."

Statler: "You shouldn't--it'll help you forget about this show."