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Gorgon Heap
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Grand Moff Tarkin in "Star Wars", Sherlock Holmes, Van Helsing, Doctor Who -- need I say more? It's a Halloween episode!
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: PETER CUSHING
STYLE: MID-SEASON FOUR (circa Anne Murray, Jonathan Winters)
COLD OPENING: M.A.M.M.A., the Koozebanian Phoob, the bird-like and fish-faced Fazoob, an alien from the Jonathan Winters episode, Chopped Liver, and Blue Scoff are all gathered in Peter’s dressing room.
Chopped Liver: “Mr. Cushing, we’d like to present you with this little token of our esteem!”
(He hands Peter a bowling trophy.)
Peter: “... It’s lovely, thank you. But why?”
Chopped Liver: “Well, we wanted to honor your contributions to horror, suspense, and science fiction! After all, you’re a big name in popular culture! Let’s give a cheer! Hip! Hip!”
ALL: “Hooray!”
(Reveal a tree is also there.)
Peter: “Pardon me, but how do you figure in this convention?”
Tree: “Well, you know how you’re a big name in popular culture?”
Peter: “Yes.”
Tree: “Well, I’m a big name in poplar culture!”
(Everyone laughs.)
OPENING THEME:
ORCHESTRA PIT: a Whatnot vampire creeps up behind Janice to bite her neck while she, oblivious, plays a guitar solo, but she finishes with a flourish, unintentionally hitting him in the face with her guitar head, knocking him out.
GONZO’S TRUMPET GAG: the Dancing ghost enters, playing boogie-woogie on a trumpet.
Gonzo: “Must be the Boogie Man.”
(The Ghost nods.)
OPENING NUMBER: “Monster Mash” – Uncle Deadly sings in a dark castle, backed by the Vile Bunch, while his monster, Sweetums, awakens & arises from the slab and does a dance number.
Statler: “You ever go for any of those modern dances?”
Waldorf: “Only the mashed potato.”
Statler: “Why the mashed potato?”
Waldorf: “Because I forgot my teeth at home!"
(S & W laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: Bunsen asks Kermit which invention he’d like to feature on tonight’s show: a universal translator, vampire repellant, or a particle transmogrifier.
Kermit: “Well, I don’t normally have an opinion, frankly I trust your judgment as much as I always do...”
Bunsen: “Oh, thank you very much for the vote of confidence.”
Kermit: “Uh... yeah. Anyway, since the legendary horror movie actor Peter Cushing is our guest star, I’d go with the vampire repellant. Maybe Peter will don his persona of Van Helsing the vampire hunter if it doesn’t work.”
Bunsen: “Oh, I’m sure it’ll do something.”
Kermit: “That’s what I’m afraid of. Incidentally, what does a particle transmogrifier do?”
Bunsen: “Well, I’m not exactly sure.”
(Bunsen fiddles with the buttons.)
Kermit: “Uh, Bunsen, don’t fiddle with that thing backstage, okay?”
(Bunsen accidentally zaps Kermit with it, turning him into a transparent & outlined version of himself (a la SS Disco Frog) who can’t be seen or heard by anyone, and everyone can reach and walk right through him. Fozzie and Scooter are distraught, thinking Bunsen has KILLED Kermit, though Bunsen is convinced he’s innocent since “there’s no little green smudge where he was standing”, and sets out to prove that Kermit is still alive.
ANGLE ON scene from past the stairs: Todd Sterling invites us to "witness the case of Mr. Kermit the Frog, victim of an accident by at the hands of the inept Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. Is he trapped in an alternate dimension, or is he dead? One thing is for sure, Mr. Kermit the Frog is currently in... The Muppet Zone."
SKETCH: “A Study in Maroons” – Peter plays Sherlock Holmes with Sam the Eagle as Dr. Watson. An old English woman, Mrs. Burnage (Geri & the Atrics drummer), summons Holmes to find out who’s been painting everything in her house red.
Burbage: “Take this room, for instance.”
Holmes: “The Red Room, very nice.”
Burbage: “It was off-white this morning.”
(The mystery miscreant has also painted the butler red.)
Burbage: “Now I'll have to sack the poor fellow!”
Holmes: “Why's that, Mrs. Burbage?”
Burbage: “’Cause he don’t match the curtains!”
(She's having a party, and among those staff she's hired is a fortune-teller, Dr. Pesce (Lew Zealand). She’s also discovered a case of red herring -– a box of herrings that have literally been painted red.)
Holmes: “No doubt about it, the mystery man is... Dr. Pesce!”
Burbage: “Amazing!”
Lew: “Aw, you’ve figured me out Holmes. By the way, you want your palm read?”
Holmes: “All right.”
(He paints it red, and giggles.)
Sam: “Astonishing, Holmes! How do you do it?”
Holmes: “Elementary, my dear Watson. These herrings have been painted with great care, obviously the work of someone who knows well the subject of fish anatomy. Pesce is the Italian word for fish.”
Lew: “Excuse me, are you a specimen of that rare species, the red-faced booby?”
Sam: “Certainly not! I am an American Bald Eagle.”
(Lew paints Sam’s face.)
Lew: “How about now? Hehe.”
(Beat. Sam screams and chases Lew back and forth.)
Waldorf: “What did you think of Peter?”
Statler: “Terrific!”
Waldorf: “How about that Sherlock Holmes sketch?”
Statler: “Well, as fish stories go --”
Waldorf: “Yes?”
Statler: “It smelt.”
(S & W laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: Bunsen tries to figure out what happened while Kermit, still invisible, watches and talks in asides to the camera. The Swedish Chef enters with a basket of radishes and tries to tell Bunsen something. Bunsen produces a universal translator that makes the Chef speak perfect English.
Chef: “Bunsen, will you watch my radishes? I’m making a traditional Swedish radish salad, which one always makes when a frog disappears.”
Bunsen: “That’s oddly specific.”
(The Chef leaves to get more ingredients, Bunsen leaves to get a new transistor to build an interdimensional frog detector, and only Kermit sees Splurge enter and take the radishes.
Beaker enters from the stage, followed by Bunsen from the opposite direction. The universal translator is still on, causing Beaker to speak with a New Jersey accent (sounding just like Gunge.)
Beaker: “What’s that you’re working on, Bunsen?”
Bunsen: “Oh, fiddlesticks, I left the universal translator on.”
(He switches it off and Beaker’s voice goes back to meeping. The Chef enters, sees his radishes gone, and is outraged.)
Kermit: “Listen, you guys, a big, shaggy purple monster took them!’
Bunsen: “I didn’t do it! Maybe a big, shaggy purple monster took them!”
Kermit: “I just said that.”
(Unable to convince the Chef, Bunsen stammers and, spotting Beaker, accuses him of eating all the radishes. The Chef chases Beaker. Bunsen runs after them, stepping on his universal translator and breaking it.
ANGLE ON Todd Sterling, who continues to comment. Kermit approaches him.)
Kermit: “What’s going on? Who are you?”
Sterling: “I’m Todd Sterling, host slash narrator of... The Muppet Zone.”
Kermit: “Yeah, well you seem to know what’s going on around here, so how about clueing me in?”
Sterling: “Oh, I couldn't do THAT! I’m a host slash narrator, I'm not supposed to get involved.”
Kermit: “I don’t care! Look, I don't know if I’m alive or dead right now! HOW CAN YOU PUT ME THROUGH THIS?!”
Sterling: “Okay! All right! The answers you seek are right there.”
(He points upward. Kermit looks.)
Kermit: “Right where?”
(Sterling runs away when Kermit's back is turned. Kermit turns and realizes he's been tricked.)
Kermit: “WHA -- I can't believe I fell for that. STERLING!”
(Kermit runs off after him.)
SONG: “Season of the Witch" - in a creepy forest at twilight (“Golden Earrings” set lit purple & yellow w/more foreground space), Floyd sings while Taminella creeps up behind him unnoticed and tries to cast a spell on him, missing him every time when he moves, plays a loud riff, or steps on her foot. Finally, she decides to get his attention.
Taminella: “Hey, bunny rabbit!”
Floyd: “Who? You talking to me?”
Taminella: “Yeah! Pick up THIS stitch!”
(She casts a spell on him that gives him bunny ears, whiskers, and buck teeth.)
Floyd: “Now why'd you go and do that?!”
Taminella: “Well, they accidentally gave me someone else's bag of carrots at the grocery store. I don't like carrots, so here, eat up!”
(He shakes his head and leaves. She follows him around trying to give him her carrots.)
BACKSTAGE: Sweetums asks Fozzie if he's seen a tall purple shaggy monster around.
Fozzie: “No, thank goodness!”
(off Sweetums’s look)
“I mean, no, sorry!”
(Floyd enters, still being followed by Taminella. He hops away, leaving her fuming at Kermit’s desk.)
Taminella: “Hey, come back here! Oh, well. At least they gave me my radishes! Now to find some eye of newt to go with ‘em. I’ll just go order some from the canteen.”
(She exits down the stairs. Splurge enters from screen right as soon as she leaves and takes the radishes.)
Kermit: “Oh no! He’s at it again! Hey, everybody! Can anyone hear me?!”
(Splurge exits the way he came. Kermit sighs. Beaker enters from the stage just as Taminella returns.)
Taminella: “Wha?! Someone stole my radishes!”
(points at Beaker)
“Was it YOU?!”
(Beaker screams in protest. Bunsen enters.)
Bunsen: “Beaker, we’ll have to resume our frog detection later. Right now, we have to go on stage.”
Taminella: “Well, well! A melon head and a carrot top! How’d you two radish stealers like to wind up as ingredients in my witch’s brew?”
(She starts zapping them. They duck. Fozzie enters.)
Fozzie: “Hold it! Hold it! What’s going on here?!”
Taminella: “So! A bear is running things here, eh?”
Fozzie: “So?”
Taminella: “Maybe YOU took my radishes, to go along with your nuts and berries from the forest!”
Fozzie: “What are you talking about?”
Taminella: “Somebody better fess up, unless they wanna get turned into a frog!”
Bunsen: “Oh no, that would interfere with my detector.”
(Taminella starts zapping at everyone. They scatter. Bunsen and Beaker head for the stage. Taminella chases Fozzie. Kermit can only shake his head.)
MUPPET LABS: Bunsen invents vampire repellent, but spraying it on Beaker's neck only makes him irresistible to a Whatnot vampire
UK SPOT; BACKSTAGE: “Good Vibrations” – Janice & Floyd sing while the Dancing Ghost does his thing and Nigel joins in whistling (subbing for zither) and Beauregard takes the harmonica solo.
DRESSING ROOM: Piggy is distraught over Kermit’s disappearance and seeks comfort from Peter. When he gives her a hug, she compliments his cologne, and he comments on her scent, which he clearly dislikes but tries to hide it.
Peter: “That’s quite a scent you're wearing.”
Piggy: “Oh, thank you.”
Peter: “Very... earthy.”
Piggy: “Well, it is moi’s signature scent!"
Peter: “Really? What's it called?”
Piggy: “Hogwash.”
MUPPET UNIVERSITY: Sam gives an anatomy lesson with a skeleton who comes to life when his back is turned.
SKETCH: “Monster Dating Show”- the Newsman accidentally becomes the contestant on a dating game show for monsters, hosted by Trevor the Gross. The three ‘bachelorettes’ are:
BACKSTAGE: Gonzo enters in a panic.
Gonzo: “Fozzie, it’s a catastrophe! Someone stole my radishes!”
Fozzie: “Oh? What do you need radishes for?”
Gonzo: “Well, I was going to carve radishes into jack-o-lanterns to the tune of “Funeral March for a Marionette”!”
Fozzie:
(beat)
“You don’t carve jack-o-lanterns out of radishes, you carve ‘em out of pumpkins!”
Gonzo: “Sure, if you’re playing for the masses. Anyway, you’ve got to find them! If you don’t, I’ll have to cancel my act!”
Fozzie: “All right, already! I’ll try, okay?! I’ll try to find your radishes.”
Gonzo: “Good!”
(Gonzo exits.)
Fozzie: “Oh, boy! Find Kermit, find the missing radishes –- you know, if Kermit was a radish, this job would be a lot easier.”
(beat)
“What am I saying?!”
(Bunsen enters with his interdimensional frog detector. He fires it up. When he approaches Kermit, it goes off.)
Fozzie: “Bunsen, what are you doing?”
Bunsen: “Good news, Mr. Fozzie! I’ve found Mr. Kermit with this interdimensional frog detector!”
Fozzie: “Oh! Oh, that’s GREAT news! Scooter! We found Kermit!”
(Scooter enters.)
Scooter: “Oh, great! Where is he?”
Bunsen: “I believe I’ve zapped him into another dimension! Now I just have to get the right setting on this to bring him back.”
(Scooter and Fozzie do a take to the camera. Fozzie takes Scooter aside.)
Fozzie: “Scooter?”
Scooter: “Yeah?”
Fozzie: “Do you think Dr. Honeydew has finally flipped his wig?”
Scooter: “Oh, well, hard to tell. He doesn’t WEAR a wig.”
(Peter enters. He wants to do his closing musical number but Scooter and Fozzie want him to don his Van Helsing persona and root out the mysterious radish stealer.)
CLOSING NUMBER: “The Continental” – Peter does a song and dance with Sweetums, Doglion and Timmy, all in top hats and tails. During the closing number, Bunsen brings Kermit back to normal and Splurge is revealed. Turns out the monsters have been expecting him!
Todd Sterling interrupts the closing number to deliver his closing narration, but Taminella interrupts him.
Taminella: “So you KNEW about this radish stealer all along and didn’t tell anybody! Well, take this!”
(She turns his nose into a radish, leading Splurge to chase him, at which point a dump truck full of radishes the monsters ordered for Splurge backs up onstage and dumps the radishes on Peter.)
CURTAIN: Bunsen presents Peter with a gift from the show: a bottle of Muppets’ new cologne, “Eau de Radish”. Splurge enters.
Splurge: “A RADISH?!”
(Peter, Kermit, Fozzie, Scooter, Floyd, Bunsen, Beaker, Trevor the Gross, Taminella, Sweetums and Splurge gather in front of the red curtain.)
Statler: “Think we'll ever get out of this box?”
(Cut to a reverse angle on S & W’s box from the stage where Todd Sterling, his back to S & W, narrates).
Sterling: “The case of one Mr. Statler and one Mr. Waldorf...”
(As he continues, cut back to close on S & W’s box as they shake their heads and pick up tomatoes.)
Sterling: (CONT’D): “... two old men driven by bitterness, now forced to spend eternity...”
(Cut back to angle on Sterling.)
Sterling: “... in The Muppet Zone.”
(Waldorf lobs a tomato at him, hitting him in the back of the head. He groans as he falls, unconscious. S & W laugh.)
Comments encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: PETER CUSHING
STYLE: MID-SEASON FOUR (circa Anne Murray, Jonathan Winters)
COLD OPENING: M.A.M.M.A., the Koozebanian Phoob, the bird-like and fish-faced Fazoob, an alien from the Jonathan Winters episode, Chopped Liver, and Blue Scoff are all gathered in Peter’s dressing room.
Chopped Liver: “Mr. Cushing, we’d like to present you with this little token of our esteem!”
(He hands Peter a bowling trophy.)
Peter: “... It’s lovely, thank you. But why?”
Chopped Liver: “Well, we wanted to honor your contributions to horror, suspense, and science fiction! After all, you’re a big name in popular culture! Let’s give a cheer! Hip! Hip!”
ALL: “Hooray!”
(Reveal a tree is also there.)
Peter: “Pardon me, but how do you figure in this convention?”
Tree: “Well, you know how you’re a big name in popular culture?”
Peter: “Yes.”
Tree: “Well, I’m a big name in poplar culture!”
(Everyone laughs.)
OPENING THEME:
ORCHESTRA PIT: a Whatnot vampire creeps up behind Janice to bite her neck while she, oblivious, plays a guitar solo, but she finishes with a flourish, unintentionally hitting him in the face with her guitar head, knocking him out.
GONZO’S TRUMPET GAG: the Dancing ghost enters, playing boogie-woogie on a trumpet.
Gonzo: “Must be the Boogie Man.”
(The Ghost nods.)
OPENING NUMBER: “Monster Mash” – Uncle Deadly sings in a dark castle, backed by the Vile Bunch, while his monster, Sweetums, awakens & arises from the slab and does a dance number.
Statler: “You ever go for any of those modern dances?”
Waldorf: “Only the mashed potato.”
Statler: “Why the mashed potato?”
Waldorf: “Because I forgot my teeth at home!"
(S & W laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: Bunsen asks Kermit which invention he’d like to feature on tonight’s show: a universal translator, vampire repellant, or a particle transmogrifier.
Kermit: “Well, I don’t normally have an opinion, frankly I trust your judgment as much as I always do...”
Bunsen: “Oh, thank you very much for the vote of confidence.”
Kermit: “Uh... yeah. Anyway, since the legendary horror movie actor Peter Cushing is our guest star, I’d go with the vampire repellant. Maybe Peter will don his persona of Van Helsing the vampire hunter if it doesn’t work.”
Bunsen: “Oh, I’m sure it’ll do something.”
Kermit: “That’s what I’m afraid of. Incidentally, what does a particle transmogrifier do?”
Bunsen: “Well, I’m not exactly sure.”
(Bunsen fiddles with the buttons.)
Kermit: “Uh, Bunsen, don’t fiddle with that thing backstage, okay?”
(Bunsen accidentally zaps Kermit with it, turning him into a transparent & outlined version of himself (a la SS Disco Frog) who can’t be seen or heard by anyone, and everyone can reach and walk right through him. Fozzie and Scooter are distraught, thinking Bunsen has KILLED Kermit, though Bunsen is convinced he’s innocent since “there’s no little green smudge where he was standing”, and sets out to prove that Kermit is still alive.
ANGLE ON scene from past the stairs: Todd Sterling invites us to "witness the case of Mr. Kermit the Frog, victim of an accident by at the hands of the inept Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. Is he trapped in an alternate dimension, or is he dead? One thing is for sure, Mr. Kermit the Frog is currently in... The Muppet Zone."
SKETCH: “A Study in Maroons” – Peter plays Sherlock Holmes with Sam the Eagle as Dr. Watson. An old English woman, Mrs. Burnage (Geri & the Atrics drummer), summons Holmes to find out who’s been painting everything in her house red.
Burbage: “Take this room, for instance.”
Holmes: “The Red Room, very nice.”
Burbage: “It was off-white this morning.”
(The mystery miscreant has also painted the butler red.)
Burbage: “Now I'll have to sack the poor fellow!”
Holmes: “Why's that, Mrs. Burbage?”
Burbage: “’Cause he don’t match the curtains!”
(She's having a party, and among those staff she's hired is a fortune-teller, Dr. Pesce (Lew Zealand). She’s also discovered a case of red herring -– a box of herrings that have literally been painted red.)
Holmes: “No doubt about it, the mystery man is... Dr. Pesce!”
Burbage: “Amazing!”
Lew: “Aw, you’ve figured me out Holmes. By the way, you want your palm read?”
Holmes: “All right.”
(He paints it red, and giggles.)
Sam: “Astonishing, Holmes! How do you do it?”
Holmes: “Elementary, my dear Watson. These herrings have been painted with great care, obviously the work of someone who knows well the subject of fish anatomy. Pesce is the Italian word for fish.”
Lew: “Excuse me, are you a specimen of that rare species, the red-faced booby?”
Sam: “Certainly not! I am an American Bald Eagle.”
(Lew paints Sam’s face.)
Lew: “How about now? Hehe.”
(Beat. Sam screams and chases Lew back and forth.)
Waldorf: “What did you think of Peter?”
Statler: “Terrific!”
Waldorf: “How about that Sherlock Holmes sketch?”
Statler: “Well, as fish stories go --”
Waldorf: “Yes?”
Statler: “It smelt.”
(S & W laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: Bunsen tries to figure out what happened while Kermit, still invisible, watches and talks in asides to the camera. The Swedish Chef enters with a basket of radishes and tries to tell Bunsen something. Bunsen produces a universal translator that makes the Chef speak perfect English.
Chef: “Bunsen, will you watch my radishes? I’m making a traditional Swedish radish salad, which one always makes when a frog disappears.”
Bunsen: “That’s oddly specific.”
(The Chef leaves to get more ingredients, Bunsen leaves to get a new transistor to build an interdimensional frog detector, and only Kermit sees Splurge enter and take the radishes.
Beaker enters from the stage, followed by Bunsen from the opposite direction. The universal translator is still on, causing Beaker to speak with a New Jersey accent (sounding just like Gunge.)
Beaker: “What’s that you’re working on, Bunsen?”
Bunsen: “Oh, fiddlesticks, I left the universal translator on.”
(He switches it off and Beaker’s voice goes back to meeping. The Chef enters, sees his radishes gone, and is outraged.)
Kermit: “Listen, you guys, a big, shaggy purple monster took them!’
Bunsen: “I didn’t do it! Maybe a big, shaggy purple monster took them!”
Kermit: “I just said that.”
(Unable to convince the Chef, Bunsen stammers and, spotting Beaker, accuses him of eating all the radishes. The Chef chases Beaker. Bunsen runs after them, stepping on his universal translator and breaking it.
ANGLE ON Todd Sterling, who continues to comment. Kermit approaches him.)
Kermit: “What’s going on? Who are you?”
Sterling: “I’m Todd Sterling, host slash narrator of... The Muppet Zone.”
Kermit: “Yeah, well you seem to know what’s going on around here, so how about clueing me in?”
Sterling: “Oh, I couldn't do THAT! I’m a host slash narrator, I'm not supposed to get involved.”
Kermit: “I don’t care! Look, I don't know if I’m alive or dead right now! HOW CAN YOU PUT ME THROUGH THIS?!”
Sterling: “Okay! All right! The answers you seek are right there.”
(He points upward. Kermit looks.)
Kermit: “Right where?”
(Sterling runs away when Kermit's back is turned. Kermit turns and realizes he's been tricked.)
Kermit: “WHA -- I can't believe I fell for that. STERLING!”
(Kermit runs off after him.)
SONG: “Season of the Witch" - in a creepy forest at twilight (“Golden Earrings” set lit purple & yellow w/more foreground space), Floyd sings while Taminella creeps up behind him unnoticed and tries to cast a spell on him, missing him every time when he moves, plays a loud riff, or steps on her foot. Finally, she decides to get his attention.
Taminella: “Hey, bunny rabbit!”
Floyd: “Who? You talking to me?”
Taminella: “Yeah! Pick up THIS stitch!”
(She casts a spell on him that gives him bunny ears, whiskers, and buck teeth.)
Floyd: “Now why'd you go and do that?!”
Taminella: “Well, they accidentally gave me someone else's bag of carrots at the grocery store. I don't like carrots, so here, eat up!”
(He shakes his head and leaves. She follows him around trying to give him her carrots.)
BACKSTAGE: Sweetums asks Fozzie if he's seen a tall purple shaggy monster around.
Fozzie: “No, thank goodness!”
(off Sweetums’s look)
“I mean, no, sorry!”
(Floyd enters, still being followed by Taminella. He hops away, leaving her fuming at Kermit’s desk.)
Taminella: “Hey, come back here! Oh, well. At least they gave me my radishes! Now to find some eye of newt to go with ‘em. I’ll just go order some from the canteen.”
(She exits down the stairs. Splurge enters from screen right as soon as she leaves and takes the radishes.)
Kermit: “Oh no! He’s at it again! Hey, everybody! Can anyone hear me?!”
(Splurge exits the way he came. Kermit sighs. Beaker enters from the stage just as Taminella returns.)
Taminella: “Wha?! Someone stole my radishes!”
(points at Beaker)
“Was it YOU?!”
(Beaker screams in protest. Bunsen enters.)
Bunsen: “Beaker, we’ll have to resume our frog detection later. Right now, we have to go on stage.”
Taminella: “Well, well! A melon head and a carrot top! How’d you two radish stealers like to wind up as ingredients in my witch’s brew?”
(She starts zapping them. They duck. Fozzie enters.)
Fozzie: “Hold it! Hold it! What’s going on here?!”
Taminella: “So! A bear is running things here, eh?”
Fozzie: “So?”
Taminella: “Maybe YOU took my radishes, to go along with your nuts and berries from the forest!”
Fozzie: “What are you talking about?”
Taminella: “Somebody better fess up, unless they wanna get turned into a frog!”
Bunsen: “Oh no, that would interfere with my detector.”
(Taminella starts zapping at everyone. They scatter. Bunsen and Beaker head for the stage. Taminella chases Fozzie. Kermit can only shake his head.)
MUPPET LABS: Bunsen invents vampire repellent, but spraying it on Beaker's neck only makes him irresistible to a Whatnot vampire
UK SPOT; BACKSTAGE: “Good Vibrations” – Janice & Floyd sing while the Dancing Ghost does his thing and Nigel joins in whistling (subbing for zither) and Beauregard takes the harmonica solo.
DRESSING ROOM: Piggy is distraught over Kermit’s disappearance and seeks comfort from Peter. When he gives her a hug, she compliments his cologne, and he comments on her scent, which he clearly dislikes but tries to hide it.
Peter: “That’s quite a scent you're wearing.”
Piggy: “Oh, thank you.”
Peter: “Very... earthy.”
Piggy: “Well, it is moi’s signature scent!"
Peter: “Really? What's it called?”
Piggy: “Hogwash.”
MUPPET UNIVERSITY: Sam gives an anatomy lesson with a skeleton who comes to life when his back is turned.
SKETCH: “Monster Dating Show”- the Newsman accidentally becomes the contestant on a dating game show for monsters, hosted by Trevor the Gross. The three ‘bachelorettes’ are:
- Bachelorette #1: Beakie
- Bachelorette #2: Green Scoff
- Bachelorette #3: Big Mama
BACKSTAGE: Gonzo enters in a panic.
Gonzo: “Fozzie, it’s a catastrophe! Someone stole my radishes!”
Fozzie: “Oh? What do you need radishes for?”
Gonzo: “Well, I was going to carve radishes into jack-o-lanterns to the tune of “Funeral March for a Marionette”!”
Fozzie:
(beat)
“You don’t carve jack-o-lanterns out of radishes, you carve ‘em out of pumpkins!”
Gonzo: “Sure, if you’re playing for the masses. Anyway, you’ve got to find them! If you don’t, I’ll have to cancel my act!”
Fozzie: “All right, already! I’ll try, okay?! I’ll try to find your radishes.”
Gonzo: “Good!”
(Gonzo exits.)
Fozzie: “Oh, boy! Find Kermit, find the missing radishes –- you know, if Kermit was a radish, this job would be a lot easier.”
(beat)
“What am I saying?!”
(Bunsen enters with his interdimensional frog detector. He fires it up. When he approaches Kermit, it goes off.)
Fozzie: “Bunsen, what are you doing?”
Bunsen: “Good news, Mr. Fozzie! I’ve found Mr. Kermit with this interdimensional frog detector!”
Fozzie: “Oh! Oh, that’s GREAT news! Scooter! We found Kermit!”
(Scooter enters.)
Scooter: “Oh, great! Where is he?”
Bunsen: “I believe I’ve zapped him into another dimension! Now I just have to get the right setting on this to bring him back.”
(Scooter and Fozzie do a take to the camera. Fozzie takes Scooter aside.)
Fozzie: “Scooter?”
Scooter: “Yeah?”
Fozzie: “Do you think Dr. Honeydew has finally flipped his wig?”
Scooter: “Oh, well, hard to tell. He doesn’t WEAR a wig.”
(Peter enters. He wants to do his closing musical number but Scooter and Fozzie want him to don his Van Helsing persona and root out the mysterious radish stealer.)
CLOSING NUMBER: “The Continental” – Peter does a song and dance with Sweetums, Doglion and Timmy, all in top hats and tails. During the closing number, Bunsen brings Kermit back to normal and Splurge is revealed. Turns out the monsters have been expecting him!
Todd Sterling interrupts the closing number to deliver his closing narration, but Taminella interrupts him.
Taminella: “So you KNEW about this radish stealer all along and didn’t tell anybody! Well, take this!”
(She turns his nose into a radish, leading Splurge to chase him, at which point a dump truck full of radishes the monsters ordered for Splurge backs up onstage and dumps the radishes on Peter.)
CURTAIN: Bunsen presents Peter with a gift from the show: a bottle of Muppets’ new cologne, “Eau de Radish”. Splurge enters.
Splurge: “A RADISH?!”
(Peter, Kermit, Fozzie, Scooter, Floyd, Bunsen, Beaker, Trevor the Gross, Taminella, Sweetums and Splurge gather in front of the red curtain.)
Statler: “Think we'll ever get out of this box?”
(Cut to a reverse angle on S & W’s box from the stage where Todd Sterling, his back to S & W, narrates).
Sterling: “The case of one Mr. Statler and one Mr. Waldorf...”
(As he continues, cut back to close on S & W’s box as they shake their heads and pick up tomatoes.)
Sterling: (CONT’D): “... two old men driven by bitterness, now forced to spend eternity...”
(Cut back to angle on Sterling.)
Sterling: “... in The Muppet Zone.”
(Waldorf lobs a tomato at him, hitting him in the back of the head. He groans as he falls, unconscious. S & W laugh.)
Comments encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
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