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Gorgon Heap
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For those of you who don't recall, Paul Lynde was the center square on the original Hollywood Squares, and appeared in such films as "Bye Bye Birdie" (as Ann-Margret's disapproving father) and put in guest appearances on "The Munsters" (as the family doctor), "Bewitched" (as the mischevious Uncle Arthur) and "I Dream of Jeannie" (various roles). He was noted for his snappy one-liners and distinctive grin and voice/delivery, a favorite of impersonators.
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: PAUL LYNDE
STYLE: EARLY/MID SECOND SEASON
COLD OPENING: Big Mama is in Paul’s dressing room.
Paul: “Scooter, I have a bit of a problem. This humongous dog followed me home. That’s the ugliest collie I’ve ever seen!”
Scooter: “That’s no collie, that’s Big Mama!”
Paul: “That’s good, ‘cause she’s got a face only a mother could love!” (Big Mama GROWLS and BITES him) “Uh, but she has a very charming personality!... HELP!”
OPENING THEME
S & W: W: “Let’s make a break for it!”
Gonzo: Someone unseen plays a trombone and loops the slide over Gonzo’s neck, then spins around. Gonzo goes back out of the ‘O’ and Miss Kitty (the purple monster) wheels into it.
SONG: “Can’t Help Lovin’ That Man of Mine”- Piggy sings in a riverboat set (while Kermit watches uncomfortably in the wings)
Statler: “I have to run to the bathroom.”
Waldorf: “All right Statler, but if you’re not back in five minutes I’m sending out the hounds!” (Animal pops up in the box)
Animal: “Woof woof! Woof woof!”
Backstage: Paul has been coaching Fozzie on snappy comebacks and one-liners, but it’s not working so well.
Kermit: “Fozzie, I think you should stick to doing what you do best.”
Fozzie: “What’s that?”
Kermit: “Nothing.”
Fozzie: “...Oh, that was a good one! Frog!”
SKETCH: Paul plays a dentist, Dr. Barney Cooper, with Behemoth (the big yellow monster from “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”) as his patient, Mr. Winfield
Waldorf: “Boy, that Paul Lynde is hilarious, isn’t he Statler? Oh I forgot, he isn’t here. My memory is going in my old age... right, Statler? Oh...”
Floyd plays a vibe solo, a fast jazz tune
The Swedish Chef- taffy pull
Backstage: Fozzie’s one-liners are falling flat with the other Muppets (Floyd, Janice, Gloat).
Vet’s Hospital- Dr. Bob operates on a potted plant
UK Spot: “I Got Plenty of Nothin‘”- Rowlf plays and sings
Dressing Room: Kermit talks to Paul about his coaching of Fozzie
At the Dance- SONG: “Shall We Dance?”- Scooter sings and tries to get a girl to dance with him
Waldorf: “Boy, Statler sure has been gone a long time... I wonder if he fell in.” (Animal enters) “Oh, any luck?”
Animal: “YEAAAHH!!”
Animal has caught a chorus girl. She flees.
Waldorf: “No, no, no! You were supposed to go find Statler!”
Animal: “WHA?”
Waldorf: “The old geezer! Get him! GET THE OLD MAN!”
Animal attacks Waldorf.
SONG: “Waltz of the Flowers”- Nigel conducts in the orchestra pit, with the unwelcome assistance of Marvin Suggs and his Muppaphones
Backstage: Fozzie is discouraged, so Paul tells him that in his own case it took a lot of writers and years of practice to rattle off one-liners like he does, and that eventually he’ll be able to do it too. Fozzie is relieved, and after he leaves, Kermit congratulates Paul on his convincing.
CLOSING NUMBER: “Up, Up and Away”- Paul leads a band of Muppet paratroopers (including Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Luncheon Counter Monster and Crazy Harry) in a WWII airplane, accompanied by the Electric Mayhem, with Thog dancing. While Thog dances, he accidentally nudges everyone out the door, including Paul, who has no parachute.
Curtain: Paul, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Floyd
Statler rushes in
Waldorf: “Well, where have you been?”
Statler: “I spent the evening at the disco! I just forgot my wallet.”
Waldorf: “That’s too bad, you missed a terrific show!”
Statler: “What?! Ohhhhh!” (bangs head on the seat) “I don’t believe it!”
Waldorf (getting up, leaving): “Fooled you!”
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: PAUL LYNDE
STYLE: EARLY/MID SECOND SEASON
COLD OPENING: Big Mama is in Paul’s dressing room.
Paul: “Scooter, I have a bit of a problem. This humongous dog followed me home. That’s the ugliest collie I’ve ever seen!”
Scooter: “That’s no collie, that’s Big Mama!”
Paul: “That’s good, ‘cause she’s got a face only a mother could love!” (Big Mama GROWLS and BITES him) “Uh, but she has a very charming personality!... HELP!”
OPENING THEME
S & W: W: “Let’s make a break for it!”
Gonzo: Someone unseen plays a trombone and loops the slide over Gonzo’s neck, then spins around. Gonzo goes back out of the ‘O’ and Miss Kitty (the purple monster) wheels into it.
SONG: “Can’t Help Lovin’ That Man of Mine”- Piggy sings in a riverboat set (while Kermit watches uncomfortably in the wings)
Statler: “I have to run to the bathroom.”
Waldorf: “All right Statler, but if you’re not back in five minutes I’m sending out the hounds!” (Animal pops up in the box)
Animal: “Woof woof! Woof woof!”
Backstage: Paul has been coaching Fozzie on snappy comebacks and one-liners, but it’s not working so well.
Kermit: “Fozzie, I think you should stick to doing what you do best.”
Fozzie: “What’s that?”
Kermit: “Nothing.”
Fozzie: “...Oh, that was a good one! Frog!”
SKETCH: Paul plays a dentist, Dr. Barney Cooper, with Behemoth (the big yellow monster from “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”) as his patient, Mr. Winfield
Waldorf: “Boy, that Paul Lynde is hilarious, isn’t he Statler? Oh I forgot, he isn’t here. My memory is going in my old age... right, Statler? Oh...”
Floyd plays a vibe solo, a fast jazz tune
The Swedish Chef- taffy pull
Backstage: Fozzie’s one-liners are falling flat with the other Muppets (Floyd, Janice, Gloat).
Vet’s Hospital- Dr. Bob operates on a potted plant
UK Spot: “I Got Plenty of Nothin‘”- Rowlf plays and sings
Dressing Room: Kermit talks to Paul about his coaching of Fozzie
At the Dance- SONG: “Shall We Dance?”- Scooter sings and tries to get a girl to dance with him
Waldorf: “Boy, Statler sure has been gone a long time... I wonder if he fell in.” (Animal enters) “Oh, any luck?”
Animal: “YEAAAHH!!”
Animal has caught a chorus girl. She flees.
Waldorf: “No, no, no! You were supposed to go find Statler!”
Animal: “WHA?”
Waldorf: “The old geezer! Get him! GET THE OLD MAN!”
Animal attacks Waldorf.
SONG: “Waltz of the Flowers”- Nigel conducts in the orchestra pit, with the unwelcome assistance of Marvin Suggs and his Muppaphones
Backstage: Fozzie is discouraged, so Paul tells him that in his own case it took a lot of writers and years of practice to rattle off one-liners like he does, and that eventually he’ll be able to do it too. Fozzie is relieved, and after he leaves, Kermit congratulates Paul on his convincing.
CLOSING NUMBER: “Up, Up and Away”- Paul leads a band of Muppet paratroopers (including Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Luncheon Counter Monster and Crazy Harry) in a WWII airplane, accompanied by the Electric Mayhem, with Thog dancing. While Thog dances, he accidentally nudges everyone out the door, including Paul, who has no parachute.
Curtain: Paul, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Floyd
Statler rushes in
Waldorf: “Well, where have you been?”
Statler: “I spent the evening at the disco! I just forgot my wallet.”
Waldorf: “That’s too bad, you missed a terrific show!”
Statler: “What?! Ohhhhh!” (bangs head on the seat) “I don’t believe it!”
Waldorf (getting up, leaving): “Fooled you!”
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
