TMS Outline: Nik Kershaw

[Muppet Newsgirl]

My first attempt at a TMS outline. I've been meaning to do one of these for a while, as I get my creative juices back in gear for a full-length fanfic. Since it's a tad on the long side, it'll be a two-parter.

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TMS Outline: Nik Kershaw

Synopsis: Singer-songwriter Nik Kershaw appears on the show. Midway through, a group of alien security forces from the planet Dronon enter the theater and take Nik prisoner. It seems that Nik’s lyrics, which make no sense to human ears, translate into the formula for a high-powered Dronon weapon called the Great Sizzler.

Time period: This episode would have likely been made sometime between 1984 and 1989.

Cold Open
Nik shows off his juggling skills for Scooter and Gonzo. Gonzo then asks Nik to try to juggle a fishbowl full of hungry piranhas.

Opening Credits
Gonzo’s horn shoots out a shower of blue and gold sparks.

Balcony
Statler: Well, it’s all downhill from here.
(He and Waldorf fasten seat belts that are attached to their seats.)

Curtain
Kermit introduces the guest star for the week, and announces that the Fraggles from Fraggle Rock will be making a cameo appearance.

Kermit: Our guest star this week is one of the bright young talents on the popular music scene today. His lyrics and his videos can get really weird and wacky, so of course he’ll be right at home here.

(A giant Fazoob-like creature runs past, immediately followed by its hysterical handler.)

Zookeeper: Stop that creature, he hasn’t been deloused yet!
Kermit: What the hey. Ladies and gentlemen, the brilliantly puzzling Nik Kershaw.

Opening Number
“The Riddle.” Nik plays an archaeologist exploring some mysterious underground ruins that look like they were borrowed from Fraggle Rock – in fact, several Fraggles make an appearance here. Also appearing are several weird, mythological and just-plain-dangerous creatures, including (but not limited to) Beautiful Day Monster, a Sphinx and the runaway Fazoob.

Wembley: Hey, somebody’s coming – should we warn him about the monsters?
Red: No, why ruin a perfectly good production number?


Sphinx: Most people who come through here meet a really nasty end. Look what happened to that Oedipus guy.

Balcony
Statler: So why do you think he calls that song “The Riddle?"
Waldorf: Don’t care what you call it – this show’s still one big joke.

Backstage
The Dronons have landed. There are five - the captain, a translator, a pilot and two guards: one male and one female. And they’re hunting for Nik.

Captain: We seek the Earthling called Nik Scrimshaw.
Translator: Uh, it’s… (whispers into captain’s ear)
Captain: I know that, idiot! We seek the Earthling called Nik Kershaw!
Pilot: Are we going to be here long? The ship’s double-parked.

Swedish Chef
Lemon soufflé: When the soufflé fails to rise, the Chef inflates the deflated dessert by pumping helium into it. The soufflé immediately engulfs the kitchen and backstage area – and everyone in them – before exploding.

Fozzie: Aw, why couldn’t he have stuck to cupcakes?
Scooter: We’re still cleaning up from those, remember? (a giant glob of pink frosting drips down onto Kermit’s desk)

Balcony
Waldorf: All right, what do that soufflé, a used car lot and this show all have in common?
Statler: Don’t know, what?
Waldorf: They’re all full of lemons! (both guffaw)

Backstage
After having picked the last bits of soufflé out of his hair, Nik comes downstairs looking for Kermit – and is promptly captured by the Dronons.

Male Guard: All right, Kershaw, hands where we can see them!

Muppet Labs
Bunsen and Beaker unveil their latest invention – a compost-powered automatic vegetable slicer-cooker. The machine goes berserk and starts spewing banana peels all over the lab, making it impossible to walk without slipping and falling.

UK Spot
Annie Sue sings “I Heard That Song Before," as Rowlf backs her up on the piano.

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[Muppet Newsgirl]

And here be part deux, with more singing and souffles, and a few more explosions.

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Muppet Newsflash
The Newsman announces UFO sightings over the city. One of the UFOs is revealed to be a soufflé mold, which crashes down and hits the Newsman on the head.

Backstage
Kermit and Scooter try to sort things out with the Dronons, with little success.

Kermit: Now see here, you can’t just barge in here and kidnap our guest stars!
Scooter: Yeah, they usually want to get out of here on their own.

Captain: “The Riddle," when translated into our tongue, becomes the formula and method for our deadliest weapon: the Great Sizzler.
Kermit: The Great Sizzler?
Pilot: It can zap entire planets nearly into oblivion. It’s also good for making donuts.
Female Guard: Yeah, and because Nik’s tunes are all over the ether waves, and they’re so super-cool and everything…(is silenced by an icy glare from the captain)
Captain: Long story short, the Sizzler’s details get broadcast all over the galaxy every time your pathetic little guest raises his voice in song.

Curtain
Robin introduces Gonzo.

Robin: Our guest star is kind of tied up at the moment, so my uncle told me to introduce the next act. Here now, once again to perform a feat of sheer unbridled lunacy, is the Great Gonzo.

Gonzo’s Act
Gonzo attempts to tap dance through a nest of fire ants while, and at the same time, balancing a kettle of hot sauce on his head and reciting “Gunga Din.”

Balcony
Waldorf: That Gonzo always was a hothead.

Musical number
“Wouldn’t It Be Good.” Nik is trapped in his dressing room, because the Dronons have put a bracelet on his wrist that will give him a shock if he tries to escape before the Dronons’ ship is ready to leave. After attempting several times to get the bracelet off (with some not-entirely-welcome help from Bunsen and Beaker), Nik laments his fate in song, backed by several of the cast members.

Pigs in Space
Miss Piggy is infuriated that the Dronons are using the Swinetrek’s batteries to jump-start their ship. On top of that, the Swinetrek gets a parking ticket for being illegally tethered to an asteroid.

Dr. Strangepork: But it’s not even marked as a no-parking zone!
Meter Maid: Hey, I don’t make the rules. I just charge through the nose for them.

Fozzie’s Act
Fozzie’s jokes about funerals literally die onstage.

Balcony
Statler and Waldorf: (singing) Shall we gather at the river…

Backstage
Nik talks one of the Dronon guards into taking the tracking bracelet off, and makes a run for it as Miss Piggy pounds the guard to a pulp.

Robin: Nik! This way! (Nik runs after him, toward the stage.)
Male Guard: (held in stranglehold by Miss Piggy) The prisoner’s escaping! Catch him!
Pilot: (drinking coffee and reading paper) Catch him yourself, I’m on break.

The Muppets make it very clear that they’re not giving up their guest star without a fight, even though Sam would be happy to have one less weirdo on the premises. As it turns out, the whole incident is all a huge misunderstanding, so the Dronons agree to let Nik go.

Translator: Um, madam, it appears I made a slight grammatical error in the translation. It appears that young Kershaw wasn’t singing about the Great Sizzler in “The Riddle.”
Captain: (icily) Then what, pray, was he singing about?
Translator: (very small voice) A recipe for lemon soufflé.

Curtain
Scooter: Well, for a moment we thought we weren’t going to have a guest star, but fortunately he’s just been released.
Waldorf: (yelling from off-screen) How is that fortunate?
Scooter: Once again, please welcome Nik Kershaw, and Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

Closing Number
“I Won’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me” Nik sings with the Electric Mayhem, as a giant model of the solar system rotates overhead. All the Muppets join in on the final chorus. But at the very last moment, Beauregard lets go of the rope that’s holding the sun up, and it comes crashing down on the stage.

Curtain
The Muppets call Nik out on stage to take a bow. Kermit apologizes for the incident with the Dronons, the exploding soufflé and everything else. Nik replies by saying that he hadn’t had that much fun in months, and begs Kermit to let him come back next week.
The Swedish Chef brings out another lemon soufflé, which also threatens to explode, but the Dronon pilot shoots at it with the Great Sizzler – which not only deflates it but neatly dispenses it into serving bowls.

Closing credits

Balcony
Waldorf: (to Dronons) Please, take us with you!
Statler: Anything to get us away from here!

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