TMS outline - Martha Raye!

Gorgon Heap

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SPECIAL GUEST STAR: MARTHA RAYE

STYLE: EARLY-MID SEASON ONE (circa Florence Henderson, Paul Williams)

OPENING THEME:
FOZZIE: “Hey! I wouldn’t call Dr. Bob a quack, but every year, he gets a Christmas card from the undertaker!”
MARTHA RAYE: in the Talk Spot set with Fozzie, Gonzo, Rowlf, Scooter, Floyd, Hilda, Zelda Rose and the Flower-Eating Monster
GONZO: The sign rises up before Gonzo can hit the ‘O’. As he shrugs to the camera, the sign comes back down on top of him.

OPENING NUMBER: “I’ve Got the World on a String” - in a cave, Svengali sings while stirring a cauldron and conjuring

BACKSTAGE: Svengali returns from the stage.

Kermit: “Way to go. That number cast quite a spell on me.”

(Fozzie enters.)

Fozzie: “Hey Kermit, what is this?”

(He points at the intercom.)

Kermit: “Uh, that’s an intercom, Fozzie. You flip this little switch here, speak into this part here, and everyone backstage can hear it.”

Fozzie: “Really? Like a radio, huh?”

Kermit: “Sure.”

(Kermit exits.)

Fozzie: "Oh, wow! That reminds me of a joke. A guy --”

(Fozzie turns and notices Kermit is gone. He rests his head on his paw. An idea hits him. He flips the intercom switch and talks into it.)

Fozzie: “A guy walks into a radio store and asks to see a menu. The owner tells him, "We don't sell food here, we sell British Marconi!" The guy says, "Fine, make mine a Marconi and cheese! Ah!"

(Fozzie does a take to the camera. Kermit enters.)

Kermit: “Fozzie, what are you doing?”

Fozzie: “Oh, nothing! Nothing.”

(Kermit exits to the stage. Fozzie watches him leave, then looks back at the camera.)

Fozzie: “Ah.”

SKETCH: Martha as a loudmouth grandma who takes her grandkids to the library and stays to listen to the football game on her radio. She gets excited & loud, getting shushed by the librarian (Zelda Rose). Apologetically, she explains that she's the team's number one fan and good friends with them. She joins in the cheer, yells during intense plays, etc. Finally, they win.

Martha: "Now time to celebrate with the team!"

Zelda: "Good, then you're leaving?"

Martha: "No, I invited them HERE!"

(The football team (Blue & Green Frackles, Snake Frackle, Beautiful Day Monster, Miss Kitty and Flower-Eating Monster) enter and make a ruckus: whooping and hollering, cracking open champagne, playing catch with books, etc.)

W: “They don't make performers like that anymore.”

S: “Of course not, the stork brings them.”

W: “Statler, I think YOU must've been brought by the dodo.”

(Statler nods, then does a double take at Waldorf.)

SWEDISH CHEF: Chef makes an ice cream sundae, only according to the calendar, it's not Sunday. Discovering that it's Friday, he dumps the ice cream into a pan to fry it, winding up with "der ice creamy soup".

W: “Now I know what motivates them to put on this show every week.”

S: “What's that?”

W: “They stay hungry.”

(Statler laughs.)

PANEL DISCUSSION: “Should the facts of life be taught in schools?” Martha quips, “if you have to learn about it in school… then you’re doing it wrong!” Janice and Piggy try to one-up each other for who was the most popular in school. Martha annoys Sam the Eagle. “Oh, why don’t you stop being such a stuffed shirt? Or in your case, a stuffed turkey! Ha!”

BACKSTAGE: Fozzie is still telling jokes into the intercom and Kermit asks him to stop out of consideration to his fellow performers. When Fozzie counters that no one's complained, Beautiful Day Monster enters and punches the intercom off the wall.

AT THE DANCE:

(Open on George and Mildred.)

Mildred: “George, why do you always fret so much?”

George: “Are you kidding? Fret is my middle name!”

Mildred: “Aren't you exaggerating?”

George: “You're right. Technically, it's 'Fretrick'."

(Cut to Wayne & Wanda.)

Wanda: “I don’t care for these jokes. The only reason to come here is to dance together. Don’t you agree?”

Wayne: “... Stop me if you’ve heard this one.”

(Cut to Piggy and a male pig.)

Piggy: “Say, how do you think I’d look with a pigtail?”

Male Pig: “Naked.”

Piggy: “Oh.”

(Cut to Shouting Lady and a green Male Whatnot.)

Shouting Lady: “You know, Herman, sometimes I wish I was a soprano with a voice that can shatter glass.”

Herman: “Eh, look on the bright side: at least you have a voice that can shatter eardrums.”

Shouting Lady: “Yeah. Huh?”

(Cut to Animal and a Female Whatnot.)

Animal: “Hey! Hey, you wanna try my avocado dip?”

Whatnot Girl: “Sure!”

Animal: “Okay!”

(He hands her an avocado.)

Animal: “Two, three, DIP!”

Whatnot Girl: "AH!”

(He dips her. When they come back up, she has smashed avocado all over her hand.)

Animal: “Guacamole. Hahaha.”

(Coda. Fade to black.)

UK SPOT: “Nothing from Nothing” - in the “Money” set, Dr. Teeth sings while Miss Kitty tries to appease him with items pulled from a sack (often relating to the lyrics). In the end, having offered nothing of interest, she puts him in the sack and drags him away.

TALK SPOT: Scooter interrupts to tell Kermit that his uncle, who owns the theater, is in the audience tonight and would like to see Scooter do something on the show. Since the Talk Spot is ad lib, Scooter figured he would do it this week. Kermit scoots over and lets Scooter take over, but Scooter can't think of what to say or any questions to ask, so Kermit has to constantly feed him what to say, but Scooter bungles Kermit’s cues repeatedly.

Kermit (overlapping): “Uh, thank you very much, Scooter! I think the Talk Spot is just about over. I’ll see you later, OK? Appreciate it.”

Scooter (overlapping): “Oh, okay. Yeah, sure boss! Any time!”

(Scooter exits, bewildered but content.)

Kermit: “I’m sorry about that, Martha. That's nepotism for you.”

Martha: “Or in this case, ‘nephewism’!”

(She laughs. Kermit grimaces.)

Martha: “Yeah, I didn’t think it was funny, either.”

SKETCH: “Visual Thinking” with Sam the Eagle and Floyd

MUPPET NEWS: The Newsman enters.

Newsman: “Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Dateline: Passaic, New Jersey. Mrs. Edna Mayberry recently had a most incredible encounter with a fire-breathing dragon! Our Muppet cameras are on the scene and we’ll speak to Mrs. Mayberry about this extraordinary event.”

(Mrs. Mayberry (Martha) appears on the screen.)

Mrs. Mayberry: “Well, my husband Carl saw the dragon first, when he went out for the morning paper. I said he should call the police, unless he’d like to be my knight in shining armor and fight the beast. He said, “that wasn’t in our marriage vows” and ran off.”

Newsman: “I’m truly sorry to hear that, Mrs. Mayberry.”

Mrs. Mayberry: “Nah, don’t be. It all worked out for the best. I sued for a quick divorce, the dragon stuck around, we hit it off, and long story short, we got married!”

Newsman: “What an astounding turn of events! Tell me, Mrs. Mayberry, does being married to a dragon present any problems?”

Mrs. Mayberry: “No, not really. He's a big improvement over Carl, I’ll tell you that! He holds down a job -- demolition expert. He doesn't drink. He doesn't gamble. He only has one real vice.”

Newsman: “What's that?”

Mrs. Mayberry: “He smokes in bed.”

(We hear the sound of flames and a cloud of smoke fills the remote screen. Mrs. Mayberry holds up a fire extinguisher.)

Mrs. Mayberry: “Open up!”

(She sprays the fire extinguisher off screen.)

Mrs. Mayberry: “It also improves his breath.”

(The Newsman does a double take.)

BACKSTAGE: George finishes reinstalling the intercom, exits. Fozzie comes back to tell more jokes into it. Kermit forbids him from telling any more jokes through the intercom, and exits. Fozzie thinks for a moment, switches on the intercom, and tries to tell a 'story' (which is obviously still going to be a joke). Kermit rushes in, yelling, to stop him. Fozzie says there's only been one complaint, "and besides, what do monsters know about comedy?" Kermit tells him he's had more complaints, and if he keeps it up, there will be consequences. Fozzie mocks him.

Fozzie: “Oh, yeah? Like what, huh? Is the intercom going to just decide to stop working?”

(The intercom speaker spontaneously explodes. Kermit and Fozzie look at each other.)

Fozzie: “Blown fuse?”

(Kermit groans and exits.)

BLACKOUT: Martha rummages through her purse. Gonzo enters.

Gonzo: “Hi, Martha! What's happening?”

Martha: “Oh, Gonzo, I seem to be a little short.”

(Gonzo looks up at her and then at his own body.)

Gonzo: “Well, uh, you're taller than me.”

Martha: “No, I mean short of money.”

Gonzo: “Oh.”

Martha: “Would you loan me a fiver so I can buy some lunch in the canteen?”

Gonzo: “Sure!”

(He offers, she takes it from him.)

Martha: “Thanks! Oh! And a buck for tip.”

(He offers, she takes it from him.)

Martha: “Oh, and cab fare home.”

(He offers, she takes it from him.)

Martha: “Oh, and a tip for the cabbie.”

(He offers, she takes it from him.)

Gonzo: “Anything else?”

Martha: “No, that's it.”

Gonzo: “Okay. Uh...”

(Gonzo holds his wallet upside-down. It's empty.)

Gonzo: “... that's it for me, too. Now how am I going to eat lunch?”

Martha: “Follow me! I'm buying!”

Gonzo: “Oh, gee! Thanks!”

(They exit.)

FOZZIE’S MONOLOGUE: Fozzie attempts political humor... by substituting the names of famous politicians into jokes that aren't political at all.

SKETCH: "Flower-Eating Monster” sketch with F.E.M. and Zelda Rose (brick wall in front of trees backdrop a la “The Glow-Worm” sketch).

BACKSTAGE: Kermit is guarding the intercom. Fozzie tries to get past him, claiming it's not like the intercom itself minds. Monstrous eyes rise out of the top of the intercom, and through the speaker it yells "YES I DO!" scaring them both away.

CLOSING NUMBER: “I’m Gonna Live till I Die” – Martha, the big monsters (Sweetums, Thog, a Mutation) and the Gawky Birds (in front of a black backdrop with overhanging arches)

GOODNIGHTS: Martha joins Kermit in front of the red curtain.

Kermit: “Hey Martha, we hope you had a good time.”

Martha: “I sure did, and you know something? I don’t mind working with performers who are taller than I am, but THAT is ridiculous.”

(She points at the Gawky Bird, sticking his head in screen left.)

Martha: “I’ve heard it said this show is for the birds, but isn’t this taking it too literally? Ha!”

(Kermit scrunches his face.)

Martha: “How’d he get so big, anyway?”

Kermit: “Uh, we feed him extra fortified birdseed.”

Martha: "Right."

Kermit: "And we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!"

(Martha, Kermit, Fozzie, Scooter, Floyd, Sam, Zelda Rose, Flower-Eating Monster, and a Gawky Bird gather around.)

W: “You know, this show really moves me.”

S: “I feel the same. It's moving me to Pittsburgh!”

(S & W laugh.)


Comments encouraged.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
 
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