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Gorgon Heap
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 15, 2002
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SPECIAL GUEST STAR: LESLEY GORE
STYLE: MID-SEASON ONE (circa Peter Ustinov, Bruce Forsyth)
OPENING THEME:
FOZZIE’S OPENING JOKE: “If a vegetarian eats vegetables, then what does a humanitarian eat?”
LESLEY GORE: in the panel discussion set with Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Rowlf, Scooter, Animal, Janice, Mildred, the Guru, and Cynthia Birdley
GONZO’S GONG GAG: Gonzo hits the gong, which immediately glows red & toasts the mallet like a marshmallow on a stick. Gonzo shrugs & eats it.
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Thank you, thank you, and welcome to “The Muppet Show”. Yes, you’re welcome to it. Hey, our guest star tonight is that lovely and talented singer Miss Lesley Gore. Boy, she is really great. But first, for our opening number, we proudly present the big band sound of Mr. Mouse Brown and his Band of Little Renown with their rendition of "In the Mood"!”
OPENING NUMBER: “In the Mood” – an all-rat orchestra plays while being chased by Catgut
Waldorf: “Was that “In the Mood”?”
Statler: “Of course it was in the nude, they had no clothes on!”
(Waldorf does a double take.)
BACKSTAGE: Sam has booked Professor Smedley's collegiate faculty group (Bunsen, Mildred, a green male Whatnot, Snake Frackle and a rat) for the panel discussion, only to find out to his horror that they're a singing group!
SONG: “You Don't Own Me” – Lesley sings from inside a cage in Sweetums’s dungeon, eventually breaking out, shoving him around, backing him into the cage and locking him in
Waldorf: “Ah, Lesley Gore makes me feel like I’m walking on air.”
(Statler looks him over.)
Statler: “You look more like you’ve been walking to the donut shop. Ha ha ha! Donut shop!”
(Waldorf smacks Statler, scrunching up the latter’s face.)
BACKSTAGE: Sam is still upset over the collegiate faculty group, but Kermit enters with a solution: Lesley Gore will take part in the panel discussion.
Sam: “Really, Kermit, you want a popular music singer to participate in a legitimate panel discussion?”
Kermit: “Now, wait a minute, Sam. Ms. Gore is also an actress, a composer, and she’s trying to broader her career and her horizons. She’s really looking forward to doing something mature and sophisticated on this show.”
Sam: “Oh, well, that’s encouraging!”
Kermit: “Speaking of mature and sophisticated, shouldn’t you be introducing Wayne and Wanda now?”
Sam: “OH!”
(He runs for the stage. Kermit shakes his head.)
WAYNE & WANDA: “By a Waterfall” – in a cabin, when Wayne sings “beneath a ceiling of blue”, the ceiling falls in on them
MUPPET NEWS: The Newsman enters.
Newsman: “Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Dateline: Cleveland. Mrs. Vivian Armando of that city is minutes away from entering the Guinness Book of Records. For the past three years, she has communicated using nothing but pantomime!”
(Vivian Armando (Lesley) appears on the screen. The Newsman interviews her and she responds with pantomime. He accidentally brushes his paper past his nose, causing him to sneeze.)
Vivian: “Gesundheit!”
(She realizes what she's done and breaks down in tears.)
AT THE DANCE:
(Open on Piggy dancing with proto-Strangepork. Svengali & his assistant dance in the background. Cut to Dr. Bunsen Honeydew dancing with a female Whatnot.)
Bunsen: “I’ve just made my greatest contribution to the scientific community!”
Female Whatnot: “Oh, are you retiring already?”
(Bunsen grimaces. Cut to Dr. Bob dancing with Nurse Janice.)
Dr. Bob: “My last patient had a disease that causes memory loss.”
Nurse Janice: “Is it contagious?”
Dr. Bob: “Is what contagious?”
(Cut to Wayne & Wanda.)
Wayne: “You know, I feel much safer when we’re dancing on this show rather than singing.”
(A chandelier falls on them.)
Wayne: “And then again...”
(Cut back to Janice & Dr. Bob, the latter of whom is wearing a blindfold. A Whatnot couple approaches them.)
Male Whatnot: “Are you a doctor?”
Dr. Bob: “Yes!”
Male Whatnot: “Can I call your office and make an appointment?”
Dr. Bob: “I'm sorry, I can't see anyone right now!”
(He guffaws, then trips and falls, knocking over the Whatnot couple.)
(George is dancing furiously.)
Mildred: “I’ve never seen you dance with such exuberance before! You’re really on fire!”
George: “I know. Now quick, PUT ME OUT!”
(He turns to reveal the back of his coat is in flames. Mildred blasts him with a fire extinguisher.)
George: “Sigh. Thanks!”
UK SPOT: “Kentucky Rain” – sung by the horned, red-eyed purple Whatnot (from the opening theme) who finds his girl at the end -- Miss Kitty!
TALK SPOT: over Kermit’s objections, Sam tries to test Lesley’s fitness for the panel discussion by asking her culture and history questions, which she answers with ease. She returns fire and starts asking him questions, like what was the Hawley-Smoot Act.
Sam: “Uh... well of course I know what the Hawley-Smoot Act was. After all, who wouldn’t, uh... that is...”
(to Kermit)
“She seems fit enough.”
Waldorf: “Tell me, Statler, do you know what the Hawley-Smoot act was?”
Statler: “Didn’t the frog have them on this show last month?”
Waldorf: “...Never mind.”
MUPPET LABS: Bunsen invents a miracle instant weight loss pill... and shrinks down to miniature size.
SWEDISH CHEF: The Chef makes pound cake and Animal pounds it with a sledgehammer.
PANEL DISCUSSION: Lesley, Kermit, Sam, the Guru, and Cynthia Birdley try to discuss modern techniques of child rearing. Lesley thanks Kermit for letting her do something mature and intellectual.
Cynthia: “Boy, are you in the wrong place!”
(A baby crawls up from under the table onto Cynthia’s lap.)
Cynthia: “Sorry to bring my niece. My sister couldn’t get a sitter so I got stuck with it. It’s just like my kid sister! She always does this to me, waits until the last minute and --”
(Kermit interrupts to get things back on track. They can’t get very far before Cynthia’s niece interrupts with bawling.)
Guru: “Let me try to calm her down. I’m something of an expert on children.”
(The Guru makes baby talk and faces. Cynthia’s niece cries and pulls his beard.)
Cynthia (non-plussed): “An expert, huh?”
Lesley: “Listen, if no one else has any ideas, I have one.”
(She goes into): SONG: “Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows” – Lesley sings. The Guru enthusiastically joins in while Sam looks on with disgust. Cynthia eventually joins in.
Lesley: “Kermit, I think this number needs a bigger presence.”
Kermit: “Good idea.”
Lesley: “And I know just who to call. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Professor Smedley's collegiate faculty group!”
Sam: “What?!”
(The singing professors enter and join while Sam buries his face in his hand.)
Lesley (singing): “Dresses trimmed with lace, a
Cream pie in your face...”
Sam: “What?”
(SPLAT! She hits him with a pie.)
Lesley: “All together now!”
(A chorus of regulars -– Fozzie, Gonzo, Rowlf and Hilda, all clad in professors’ caps and gowns –- enter and join in with the professor chorus. Sam heads to the middle of the stage to protest, only for the entire chorus to trample him as they dance back and forth.)
GOODNIGHTS: Lesley, clad in a graduate’s cap and gown, joins Kermit in front of the red curtain.
Lesley: “Kermit, I want you to know this has not only been fun, it’s been educational!”
Kermit: “Educational?”
Lesley: “Yes! Thanks to the show, I’ve just completed my honorary degree in Piecology.”
Kermit: “You mean psyschology?”
Lesley: “No, pie-cology.”
(She produces a cream pie and hits Kermit in the face with it.)
Kermit (groans): “We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show.”
(Lesley towels off Kermit’s face while Fozzie, Sam, Janice, Bunsen, Cynthia Birdley, her niece, and a rat gather around.)
Statler: “You learn a lot watching this show.”
Waldorf: “Oh, what have you learned so far?”
Statler: “Not to watch this show!”
(Waldorf chuckles.)
Character credits:
Jim: Kermit, Waldorf, Newsman, Swedish Chef, Rowlf
Frank: Fozzie, Sam, Mildred, George, Animal
Richard: Statler, Sweetums, Wayne
Dave: Bunsen, Female Whatnot, Guru, Gonzo
Eren: Wanda, Janice, baby (Cynthia Birdley's niece), Hilda
John: Male Whatnot
Peter Friedman: Horned Whatnot
Cynthia Adler: Cynthia Birdley
Comments encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
STYLE: MID-SEASON ONE (circa Peter Ustinov, Bruce Forsyth)
OPENING THEME:
FOZZIE’S OPENING JOKE: “If a vegetarian eats vegetables, then what does a humanitarian eat?”
LESLEY GORE: in the panel discussion set with Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Rowlf, Scooter, Animal, Janice, Mildred, the Guru, and Cynthia Birdley
GONZO’S GONG GAG: Gonzo hits the gong, which immediately glows red & toasts the mallet like a marshmallow on a stick. Gonzo shrugs & eats it.
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Thank you, thank you, and welcome to “The Muppet Show”. Yes, you’re welcome to it. Hey, our guest star tonight is that lovely and talented singer Miss Lesley Gore. Boy, she is really great. But first, for our opening number, we proudly present the big band sound of Mr. Mouse Brown and his Band of Little Renown with their rendition of "In the Mood"!”
OPENING NUMBER: “In the Mood” – an all-rat orchestra plays while being chased by Catgut
Waldorf: “Was that “In the Mood”?”
Statler: “Of course it was in the nude, they had no clothes on!”
(Waldorf does a double take.)
BACKSTAGE: Sam has booked Professor Smedley's collegiate faculty group (Bunsen, Mildred, a green male Whatnot, Snake Frackle and a rat) for the panel discussion, only to find out to his horror that they're a singing group!
SONG: “You Don't Own Me” – Lesley sings from inside a cage in Sweetums’s dungeon, eventually breaking out, shoving him around, backing him into the cage and locking him in
Waldorf: “Ah, Lesley Gore makes me feel like I’m walking on air.”
(Statler looks him over.)
Statler: “You look more like you’ve been walking to the donut shop. Ha ha ha! Donut shop!”
(Waldorf smacks Statler, scrunching up the latter’s face.)
BACKSTAGE: Sam is still upset over the collegiate faculty group, but Kermit enters with a solution: Lesley Gore will take part in the panel discussion.
Sam: “Really, Kermit, you want a popular music singer to participate in a legitimate panel discussion?”
Kermit: “Now, wait a minute, Sam. Ms. Gore is also an actress, a composer, and she’s trying to broader her career and her horizons. She’s really looking forward to doing something mature and sophisticated on this show.”
Sam: “Oh, well, that’s encouraging!”
Kermit: “Speaking of mature and sophisticated, shouldn’t you be introducing Wayne and Wanda now?”
Sam: “OH!”
(He runs for the stage. Kermit shakes his head.)
WAYNE & WANDA: “By a Waterfall” – in a cabin, when Wayne sings “beneath a ceiling of blue”, the ceiling falls in on them
MUPPET NEWS: The Newsman enters.
Newsman: “Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Dateline: Cleveland. Mrs. Vivian Armando of that city is minutes away from entering the Guinness Book of Records. For the past three years, she has communicated using nothing but pantomime!”
(Vivian Armando (Lesley) appears on the screen. The Newsman interviews her and she responds with pantomime. He accidentally brushes his paper past his nose, causing him to sneeze.)
Vivian: “Gesundheit!”
(She realizes what she's done and breaks down in tears.)
AT THE DANCE:
(Open on Piggy dancing with proto-Strangepork. Svengali & his assistant dance in the background. Cut to Dr. Bunsen Honeydew dancing with a female Whatnot.)
Bunsen: “I’ve just made my greatest contribution to the scientific community!”
Female Whatnot: “Oh, are you retiring already?”
(Bunsen grimaces. Cut to Dr. Bob dancing with Nurse Janice.)
Dr. Bob: “My last patient had a disease that causes memory loss.”
Nurse Janice: “Is it contagious?”
Dr. Bob: “Is what contagious?”
(Cut to Wayne & Wanda.)
Wayne: “You know, I feel much safer when we’re dancing on this show rather than singing.”
(A chandelier falls on them.)
Wayne: “And then again...”
(Cut back to Janice & Dr. Bob, the latter of whom is wearing a blindfold. A Whatnot couple approaches them.)
Male Whatnot: “Are you a doctor?”
Dr. Bob: “Yes!”
Male Whatnot: “Can I call your office and make an appointment?”
Dr. Bob: “I'm sorry, I can't see anyone right now!”
(He guffaws, then trips and falls, knocking over the Whatnot couple.)
(George is dancing furiously.)
Mildred: “I’ve never seen you dance with such exuberance before! You’re really on fire!”
George: “I know. Now quick, PUT ME OUT!”
(He turns to reveal the back of his coat is in flames. Mildred blasts him with a fire extinguisher.)
George: “Sigh. Thanks!”
UK SPOT: “Kentucky Rain” – sung by the horned, red-eyed purple Whatnot (from the opening theme) who finds his girl at the end -- Miss Kitty!
TALK SPOT: over Kermit’s objections, Sam tries to test Lesley’s fitness for the panel discussion by asking her culture and history questions, which she answers with ease. She returns fire and starts asking him questions, like what was the Hawley-Smoot Act.
Sam: “Uh... well of course I know what the Hawley-Smoot Act was. After all, who wouldn’t, uh... that is...”
(to Kermit)
“She seems fit enough.”
Waldorf: “Tell me, Statler, do you know what the Hawley-Smoot act was?”
Statler: “Didn’t the frog have them on this show last month?”
Waldorf: “...Never mind.”
MUPPET LABS: Bunsen invents a miracle instant weight loss pill... and shrinks down to miniature size.
SWEDISH CHEF: The Chef makes pound cake and Animal pounds it with a sledgehammer.
PANEL DISCUSSION: Lesley, Kermit, Sam, the Guru, and Cynthia Birdley try to discuss modern techniques of child rearing. Lesley thanks Kermit for letting her do something mature and intellectual.
Cynthia: “Boy, are you in the wrong place!”
(A baby crawls up from under the table onto Cynthia’s lap.)
Cynthia: “Sorry to bring my niece. My sister couldn’t get a sitter so I got stuck with it. It’s just like my kid sister! She always does this to me, waits until the last minute and --”
(Kermit interrupts to get things back on track. They can’t get very far before Cynthia’s niece interrupts with bawling.)
Guru: “Let me try to calm her down. I’m something of an expert on children.”
(The Guru makes baby talk and faces. Cynthia’s niece cries and pulls his beard.)
Cynthia (non-plussed): “An expert, huh?”
Lesley: “Listen, if no one else has any ideas, I have one.”
(She goes into): SONG: “Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows” – Lesley sings. The Guru enthusiastically joins in while Sam looks on with disgust. Cynthia eventually joins in.
Lesley: “Kermit, I think this number needs a bigger presence.”
Kermit: “Good idea.”
Lesley: “And I know just who to call. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Professor Smedley's collegiate faculty group!”
Sam: “What?!”
(The singing professors enter and join while Sam buries his face in his hand.)
Lesley (singing): “Dresses trimmed with lace, a
Cream pie in your face...”
Sam: “What?”
(SPLAT! She hits him with a pie.)
Lesley: “All together now!”
(A chorus of regulars -– Fozzie, Gonzo, Rowlf and Hilda, all clad in professors’ caps and gowns –- enter and join in with the professor chorus. Sam heads to the middle of the stage to protest, only for the entire chorus to trample him as they dance back and forth.)
GOODNIGHTS: Lesley, clad in a graduate’s cap and gown, joins Kermit in front of the red curtain.
Lesley: “Kermit, I want you to know this has not only been fun, it’s been educational!”
Kermit: “Educational?”
Lesley: “Yes! Thanks to the show, I’ve just completed my honorary degree in Piecology.”
Kermit: “You mean psyschology?”
Lesley: “No, pie-cology.”
(She produces a cream pie and hits Kermit in the face with it.)
Kermit (groans): “We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show.”
(Lesley towels off Kermit’s face while Fozzie, Sam, Janice, Bunsen, Cynthia Birdley, her niece, and a rat gather around.)
Statler: “You learn a lot watching this show.”
Waldorf: “Oh, what have you learned so far?”
Statler: “Not to watch this show!”
(Waldorf chuckles.)
Character credits:
Jim: Kermit, Waldorf, Newsman, Swedish Chef, Rowlf
Frank: Fozzie, Sam, Mildred, George, Animal
Richard: Statler, Sweetums, Wayne
Dave: Bunsen, Female Whatnot, Guru, Gonzo
Eren: Wanda, Janice, baby (Cynthia Birdley's niece), Hilda
John: Male Whatnot
Peter Friedman: Horned Whatnot
Cynthia Adler: Cynthia Birdley
Comments encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
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