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Gorgon Heap
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Didn't think this one would come so quickly, but it did.
For those of you who are saying "the name escapes me", Jose Feliciano is a Puerto Rican singer and guitarist whose most well-known hit in the U.S. was the Latin American Christmas tune "Feliz Navidad". Mostly he had his biggest successes covering other people's songs and putting his own spin on them.
He worked with the Muppets once, on the Sesame Street album "The Stars Come Out on Sesame Street", on which he sang "A World Without Music" with the kids.
Also, I didn't find this out until recently, but Feliciano is blind (which is probably why he, like Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles, nearly always wears sunglasses).
Here then, submitted for your approval:
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Jose Feliciano! Yaaayyy!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: JOSE FELICIANO
STYLE: THIRD SEASON (circa Marisa Berenson, Raquel Welch episodes)
COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks, sticks his head in.
Scooter: “Jose Feliciano! 30 seconds to curtain Mr. Feliciano!”
Jose: “Thank you Scooter.”
Scooter: “Everything all right so far?”
Jose: “Oh sure, I’m just relaxing and putting my feet up.”
Scooter: “Um, putting your feet up on what?”
Jose: “This footrest here.”
Scooter: “Oh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
Jose: “Why not?”
The footrest (hassock from ‘Furniture Monsters’ sketch in Vincent Price episode) growls. Jose moves his feet off.
Jose: “Do you think I’ll have a problem with the rest of the furniture?”
There is a chorus of “No” throughout the room.
Scooter: “Well, you heard ‘em.”
Jose: “Yeah. That was the furniture talking, right?”
Scooter: “Uh-huh.”
Jose: “Oh, that’s a relief. Only time talking furniture will ever be a relief!”
OPENING THEME:
BACKSTAGE: Beauregard rushes in.
Beauregard: “Does anyone have the time?” A Grandfather clock falls from the ceiling.
GONZO: The trumpet sounds before Gonzo puts it to his lips.
Gonzo (to trumpet): “You jumped the gun.”
Curtain: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. I have some good news and bad news. First the bad news: Statler & Waldorf are going to be doing a number on the show tonight. But the good news is that our guest star is that international recording star Jose Feliciano!”
Statler & Waldorf are in the wings yelling criticisms at Kermit. They make their comments from the wings throughout the show.
OPENING NUMBER: “Wonderful Copenhagen”- Link & the pigs do a Danish number, singing and waltzing in the old town square outside the tavern.
WINGS: Statler & Waldorf watch the pigs return from the stage.
Waldorf: “Ah, that’s the only thing worse than a stale Danish.”
Statler: “What’s that?”
Waldorf: “A stale Danish musical number!”
S & W: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”
BACKSTAGE: The pigs come off stage.
Kermit: “Good number, pigs! Good number.” (to camera) “Could these figures be described as Copenhogs?” (He laughs to himself.)
Marvin Suggs enters and tells Kermit that he wants to perform with Jose. Statler & Waldorf watch the whole ordeal, seated among the props (a la the Valerie Harper episode of TMS).
Kermit: “Well, I don’t know if Jose would really go for your style of performance.”
Marvin: “Why not? He is a brilliant musician!”
Kermit: “That’s one reason.”
Marvin: “You make a’ fun?” (Marvin hits him with a mallet.)
Kermit: “Marvin, someone should tell you not to bite the hand that feeds you, or to be more to the point, not to hit the head of the frog who signs your paycheck.”
Marvin: “Oh! Of course! A thousands pardons! Nice froggie!” (He kisses Kermit’s head.)
Kermit: “Tell you what: I’ll leave it up to Jose. If it’s okay with him, it’s okay with me.”
Marvin: “Wonderful! Do not a‘ worry. Marvin, he make a‘ excellent a‘ case a‘.” (He exits.)
Statler: “Uh-oh! That was a mistake, frog.”
Waldorf: “Yeah. If you want to keep your guest star, don’t give the maniac an audience with him!”
Statler: “That doesn’t really narrow it down, does it?”
S & W: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”
SONG: “A World Without Music”- Jose and the Electric Mayhem with the chorus girls (from the James Coco & Helen Reddy episodes) (bandstand set, lit deep purple & pink)
WINGS: The band and chorus girls are returning from the stage.
Waldorf: “Say, what do you think the world would be like without music?”
Statler: “I’m more interested in a world without The Muppet Show!”
S & W: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”
SWEDISH CHEF: the Chef’s attempt to make venison is short-lived as he is trampled and thrashed by a buck. The buck leaves. The Swedish Chef gets up, woozy.
Chef: “Ooh deer...”
He faints.
MUPPET LABS: Bunsen invents the Automatic Laundry Folder. Unfortunately for Beaker, while he’s putting more laundry in the pile, he himself gets folded (of course).
WINGS: Bunsen carries a folded-up Beaker off the stage.
Statler: “Boo!”
Waldorf: “Hiss!”
Statler: “Awful!”
Waldorf: “Funny!”
Statler looks at him curiously.
Waldorf: “I mean terrible!”
Statler nods.
BACKSTAGE: Bunsen complains to Kermit. Others join in.
Bunsen: “Mr. Kermit, I protest the presence of those gentlemen over there.”
Floyd: “Yeah. It’s bad enough that we have to take that abuse when we’re on stage, but why should we have to take it backstage?”
Fozzie: “Yeah!”
Kermit: “Well guys, it’s all part of the price we’re paying. I’m hoping that if they get their shot on the show, then maybe they’ll be nicer to us from now on.”
Floyd: “...I wouldn’t put a dime on that bet.”
They leave.
CANTEEN: Sweetums is leading Jose around the theater, and they’re both ordering from the canteen when Marvin Suggs enters with the Muppaphones. After a brief demonstration, Jose says no thanks. Marvin is not happy.
Marvin: “Can you not see that I am holding this very PAINFUL mallet?”
Jose: “No. I can’t see at all, remember?”
Marvin: “Well zen, you will not see zis coming!”
Marvin swings and Sweetums grabs the mallet and swings Marvin into the wall.
MUPPET NEWS: “Here is a Muppet Newsflash! A recent embargo on imported fresh fruit has led to widespread dumping of the imported produce. AAAHH!”
Fruit falls on the Newsman. When he gets up from behind the desk, the fruit on his head is arranged a la Carmen Miranda.
BACKSTAGE: Kermit laments to Piggy (who is wearing a cowgirl outfit) about all the people trying to worm their way into the show. She is sympathetic, until she finds out that her big number isn’t in the show until next week. Needless to say, she gets what she wants.
SONG: “These Boots are made for Walking”- Piggy sings in a Western type bar, surrounded by the male pigs. When she gets up on the bar and on the tables, she steps on or kicks everyone in the joint.
UK SPOT: “A Horse with no Name”- Muppet cowboys on horseback
BACKSTAGE: Jose is on next with his song “Rain” ('it‘s raining, it‘s pouring, the old man is snoring...'), but he needs an old man for the song. Kermit looks over at Statler & Waldorf.
Kermit: “How would you like TWO? Hey someone get these guys ready for the next number!”
Some monsters pull up a screen and do a quick, forced costume change on Statler & Waldorf.
SONG: “Rain”- Jose & the Muppet kids, with Statler & Waldorf (in old-time nightgowns and stocking caps) After the number:
Waldorf (he and Statler are still on stage): “Why are they doing this to us?”
Statler groans.
Waldorf: “We should’ve stayed in bed. Heh heh.”
Statler: “No, we should’ve stayed at home!”
S & W: “Heh heh heh heh!”
BACKSTAGE: The monsters help Statler & Waldorf with another quick costume change.
SONG: “Charleston”- Statler & Waldorf do a Vaudeville song and dance number
BACKSTAGE: Statler & Waldorf congratulate each other but then start bickering about who missed what step. Fortunately, at this point the Koozebanians make their entrance to the stage and S & W shift their focus.
Waldorf: “Look at that, Statler! Aren’t those the worst looking crustaceans you’ve ever seen?”
Statler: “I reserve judgment.”
Waldorf: “Till when?”
Statler: “Till I can get my hands on a bottle of cocktail sauce!”
S & W: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
PIGS IN SPACE: invasion of the Koozebanians
CLOSING NUMBER: “Feliz Navidad”- Jose sings with the band in a Christmas set, but over in the wings, Beauregard can’t quite figure out what holiday it’s supposed to be, so he ends up sending on:
-Pigs dressed as Pilgrims and Native Americans, complete with a live turkey on a platter
-Monsters with a jack-o-lantern
-Gonzo as the Easter Bunny
-Scooter as Cupid
-Sam the Eagle as Uncle Sam for Independence Day: “This is ridiculous. I am leaving!”
-Link (in party clothes): “Happy New Year!”
-Marvin Suggs for Cinco de Mayo
Finally, the number is saved by the late arrival of Santa Thog and some reindeer.
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Well, we’ve made it through another show, and we all know who we have to thank for that!”
Waldorf (off-stage): “Thank you!”
Statler (he and Waldorf walking on-stage): “You’re too much!”
Kermit: “I am not too much, and you two are not who I was going to thank. As I was saying, let’s have a warm thank you for our very special guest star Jose Feliciano!”
Jose enters with Sweetums.
Jose: “Thank you, Kermit. I’ve had a great time.”
Statler: “Hmmph! Easy for you to say!”
Jose: “Hey listen you two, aren’t you ever going to stop criticizing this show?”
Statler & Waldorf look at each other for a moment.
S & W: “NO WAY, JOSE! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
Kermit: “Good grief. We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”
Jose, Kermit, Piggy (cowgirl outfit), Scooter (normal clothes), Beauregard, Link (normal clothes), Marvin Suggs, Sweetums, a kid, a male pig (chorus tux), and Statler & Waldorf gather around.
STAGE DOOR: Statler & Waldorf are exiting the theater.
Statler: “Well, how’d you like seeing the show from a new angle?”
Waldorf: “It’s still looks just as bad as the first angle!”
S & W: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
Gimme your comments.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
For those of you who are saying "the name escapes me", Jose Feliciano is a Puerto Rican singer and guitarist whose most well-known hit in the U.S. was the Latin American Christmas tune "Feliz Navidad". Mostly he had his biggest successes covering other people's songs and putting his own spin on them.
He worked with the Muppets once, on the Sesame Street album "The Stars Come Out on Sesame Street", on which he sang "A World Without Music" with the kids.
Also, I didn't find this out until recently, but Feliciano is blind (which is probably why he, like Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles, nearly always wears sunglasses).
Here then, submitted for your approval:
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Jose Feliciano! Yaaayyy!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: JOSE FELICIANO
STYLE: THIRD SEASON (circa Marisa Berenson, Raquel Welch episodes)
COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks, sticks his head in.
Scooter: “Jose Feliciano! 30 seconds to curtain Mr. Feliciano!”
Jose: “Thank you Scooter.”
Scooter: “Everything all right so far?”
Jose: “Oh sure, I’m just relaxing and putting my feet up.”
Scooter: “Um, putting your feet up on what?”
Jose: “This footrest here.”
Scooter: “Oh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
Jose: “Why not?”
The footrest (hassock from ‘Furniture Monsters’ sketch in Vincent Price episode) growls. Jose moves his feet off.
Jose: “Do you think I’ll have a problem with the rest of the furniture?”
There is a chorus of “No” throughout the room.
Scooter: “Well, you heard ‘em.”
Jose: “Yeah. That was the furniture talking, right?”
Scooter: “Uh-huh.”
Jose: “Oh, that’s a relief. Only time talking furniture will ever be a relief!”
OPENING THEME:
BACKSTAGE: Beauregard rushes in.
Beauregard: “Does anyone have the time?” A Grandfather clock falls from the ceiling.
GONZO: The trumpet sounds before Gonzo puts it to his lips.
Gonzo (to trumpet): “You jumped the gun.”
Curtain: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. I have some good news and bad news. First the bad news: Statler & Waldorf are going to be doing a number on the show tonight. But the good news is that our guest star is that international recording star Jose Feliciano!”
Statler & Waldorf are in the wings yelling criticisms at Kermit. They make their comments from the wings throughout the show.
OPENING NUMBER: “Wonderful Copenhagen”- Link & the pigs do a Danish number, singing and waltzing in the old town square outside the tavern.
WINGS: Statler & Waldorf watch the pigs return from the stage.
Waldorf: “Ah, that’s the only thing worse than a stale Danish.”
Statler: “What’s that?”
Waldorf: “A stale Danish musical number!”
S & W: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”
BACKSTAGE: The pigs come off stage.
Kermit: “Good number, pigs! Good number.” (to camera) “Could these figures be described as Copenhogs?” (He laughs to himself.)
Marvin Suggs enters and tells Kermit that he wants to perform with Jose. Statler & Waldorf watch the whole ordeal, seated among the props (a la the Valerie Harper episode of TMS).
Kermit: “Well, I don’t know if Jose would really go for your style of performance.”
Marvin: “Why not? He is a brilliant musician!”
Kermit: “That’s one reason.”
Marvin: “You make a’ fun?” (Marvin hits him with a mallet.)
Kermit: “Marvin, someone should tell you not to bite the hand that feeds you, or to be more to the point, not to hit the head of the frog who signs your paycheck.”
Marvin: “Oh! Of course! A thousands pardons! Nice froggie!” (He kisses Kermit’s head.)
Kermit: “Tell you what: I’ll leave it up to Jose. If it’s okay with him, it’s okay with me.”
Marvin: “Wonderful! Do not a‘ worry. Marvin, he make a‘ excellent a‘ case a‘.” (He exits.)
Statler: “Uh-oh! That was a mistake, frog.”
Waldorf: “Yeah. If you want to keep your guest star, don’t give the maniac an audience with him!”
Statler: “That doesn’t really narrow it down, does it?”
S & W: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”
SONG: “A World Without Music”- Jose and the Electric Mayhem with the chorus girls (from the James Coco & Helen Reddy episodes) (bandstand set, lit deep purple & pink)
WINGS: The band and chorus girls are returning from the stage.
Waldorf: “Say, what do you think the world would be like without music?”
Statler: “I’m more interested in a world without The Muppet Show!”
S & W: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”
SWEDISH CHEF: the Chef’s attempt to make venison is short-lived as he is trampled and thrashed by a buck. The buck leaves. The Swedish Chef gets up, woozy.
Chef: “Ooh deer...”
He faints.
MUPPET LABS: Bunsen invents the Automatic Laundry Folder. Unfortunately for Beaker, while he’s putting more laundry in the pile, he himself gets folded (of course).
WINGS: Bunsen carries a folded-up Beaker off the stage.
Statler: “Boo!”
Waldorf: “Hiss!”
Statler: “Awful!”
Waldorf: “Funny!”
Statler looks at him curiously.
Waldorf: “I mean terrible!”
Statler nods.
BACKSTAGE: Bunsen complains to Kermit. Others join in.
Bunsen: “Mr. Kermit, I protest the presence of those gentlemen over there.”
Floyd: “Yeah. It’s bad enough that we have to take that abuse when we’re on stage, but why should we have to take it backstage?”
Fozzie: “Yeah!”
Kermit: “Well guys, it’s all part of the price we’re paying. I’m hoping that if they get their shot on the show, then maybe they’ll be nicer to us from now on.”
Floyd: “...I wouldn’t put a dime on that bet.”
They leave.
CANTEEN: Sweetums is leading Jose around the theater, and they’re both ordering from the canteen when Marvin Suggs enters with the Muppaphones. After a brief demonstration, Jose says no thanks. Marvin is not happy.
Marvin: “Can you not see that I am holding this very PAINFUL mallet?”
Jose: “No. I can’t see at all, remember?”
Marvin: “Well zen, you will not see zis coming!”
Marvin swings and Sweetums grabs the mallet and swings Marvin into the wall.
MUPPET NEWS: “Here is a Muppet Newsflash! A recent embargo on imported fresh fruit has led to widespread dumping of the imported produce. AAAHH!”
Fruit falls on the Newsman. When he gets up from behind the desk, the fruit on his head is arranged a la Carmen Miranda.
BACKSTAGE: Kermit laments to Piggy (who is wearing a cowgirl outfit) about all the people trying to worm their way into the show. She is sympathetic, until she finds out that her big number isn’t in the show until next week. Needless to say, she gets what she wants.
SONG: “These Boots are made for Walking”- Piggy sings in a Western type bar, surrounded by the male pigs. When she gets up on the bar and on the tables, she steps on or kicks everyone in the joint.
UK SPOT: “A Horse with no Name”- Muppet cowboys on horseback
BACKSTAGE: Jose is on next with his song “Rain” ('it‘s raining, it‘s pouring, the old man is snoring...'), but he needs an old man for the song. Kermit looks over at Statler & Waldorf.
Kermit: “How would you like TWO? Hey someone get these guys ready for the next number!”
Some monsters pull up a screen and do a quick, forced costume change on Statler & Waldorf.
SONG: “Rain”- Jose & the Muppet kids, with Statler & Waldorf (in old-time nightgowns and stocking caps) After the number:
Waldorf (he and Statler are still on stage): “Why are they doing this to us?”
Statler groans.
Waldorf: “We should’ve stayed in bed. Heh heh.”
Statler: “No, we should’ve stayed at home!”
S & W: “Heh heh heh heh!”
BACKSTAGE: The monsters help Statler & Waldorf with another quick costume change.
SONG: “Charleston”- Statler & Waldorf do a Vaudeville song and dance number
BACKSTAGE: Statler & Waldorf congratulate each other but then start bickering about who missed what step. Fortunately, at this point the Koozebanians make their entrance to the stage and S & W shift their focus.
Waldorf: “Look at that, Statler! Aren’t those the worst looking crustaceans you’ve ever seen?”
Statler: “I reserve judgment.”
Waldorf: “Till when?”
Statler: “Till I can get my hands on a bottle of cocktail sauce!”
S & W: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
PIGS IN SPACE: invasion of the Koozebanians
CLOSING NUMBER: “Feliz Navidad”- Jose sings with the band in a Christmas set, but over in the wings, Beauregard can’t quite figure out what holiday it’s supposed to be, so he ends up sending on:
-Pigs dressed as Pilgrims and Native Americans, complete with a live turkey on a platter
-Monsters with a jack-o-lantern
-Gonzo as the Easter Bunny
-Scooter as Cupid
-Sam the Eagle as Uncle Sam for Independence Day: “This is ridiculous. I am leaving!”
-Link (in party clothes): “Happy New Year!”
-Marvin Suggs for Cinco de Mayo
Finally, the number is saved by the late arrival of Santa Thog and some reindeer.
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Well, we’ve made it through another show, and we all know who we have to thank for that!”
Waldorf (off-stage): “Thank you!”
Statler (he and Waldorf walking on-stage): “You’re too much!”
Kermit: “I am not too much, and you two are not who I was going to thank. As I was saying, let’s have a warm thank you for our very special guest star Jose Feliciano!”
Jose enters with Sweetums.
Jose: “Thank you, Kermit. I’ve had a great time.”
Statler: “Hmmph! Easy for you to say!”
Jose: “Hey listen you two, aren’t you ever going to stop criticizing this show?”
Statler & Waldorf look at each other for a moment.
S & W: “NO WAY, JOSE! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
Kermit: “Good grief. We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”
Jose, Kermit, Piggy (cowgirl outfit), Scooter (normal clothes), Beauregard, Link (normal clothes), Marvin Suggs, Sweetums, a kid, a male pig (chorus tux), and Statler & Waldorf gather around.
STAGE DOOR: Statler & Waldorf are exiting the theater.
Statler: “Well, how’d you like seeing the show from a new angle?”
Waldorf: “It’s still looks just as bad as the first angle!”
S & W: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
Gimme your comments.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
I'm all grumbling and disappointed that I haven't gotten more replies to this. I've seen the number of views but no one's saying anything. 
I'm very happy your choosing a lot of the old classic stars that were/are well appreciated for their humor as well as talents.