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Gorgon Heap
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- Joined
- Apr 15, 2002
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SPECIAL GUEST STAR: JOHN RITTER
STYLE: LATE SEASON THREE (circa Sylvester Stallone, Roger Miller episodes)
COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks and enters.
Scooter: “John Ritter! 35 seconds to curtain, John!”
John: “Thanks, Scooter!”
(Next to him, a possum uses his dressing room table as a podium, while other woodland creatures gather.)
Possum: “I hereby call this meeting of the Association of Woodland Creatures to order. First order of business, to welcome our newest member, John Critter. John, are you here? John?”
(They all look around.)
John: “Uh, I’m John, but I’m not John Critter, I’m John Ritter.”
(The animals all sigh with disappointment.)
John: “But, your organization sounds great. I’d really like to be considered for membership, but I probably don’t qualify.”
Woodchuck: “Oh, we can fix that. Come on, guys!”
(They all pile on him. Chaos. Reveal they’ve dressed him in a dumb-looking bear costume.)
John: “So, I guess I qualify now?”
Possum: “Just BEAR-ly!”
(All laugh.)
S & W:
Waldorf: “Let's get things hopping!”
(A kangaroo pops up, grabs S & W, and starts hopping, shaking them about in the process.)
GONZO: Balloons fly out of Gonzo's trumpet
OPENING NUMBER: “Grazing in the Grass” - Leprechauns in a village
Statler: “Where is the end of the rainbow?”
Waldorf: “I don't know, but it's probably someplace wonderful.”
(A rainbow appears, with Statler & Waldorf's theater box at the end of it.)
S & W: “Oh, no!”
BACKSTAGE: Piggy enters.
Piggy: “Oh, Kermit. I'm so looking forward to this number with John. He’s so cute on his little TV show.”
Kermit: “Well, that’s all right, Miss Piggy.”
Piggy: “Thank you so much for showing off my dancing skills in this instrumental number.”
Kermit: “Well, it’s not an instrumental number.”
Piggy: “Oh? Oh! Of course! Obviously, you wouldn’t ask me to sing if the number calls for MALE singer.”
Kermit: “Well, actually it’s not a male singer.”
Piggy (growling): “Who is she?!”
(Annie Sue enters.)
Annie Sue: “Oh, Mr. Kermit, sir, thank you so much for letting me sing the next number. And Miss Piggy, I’m especially looking forward to sharing the stage with you! I promise I’ll make you proud out there.”
(She exits.)
Kermit: “Now, Miss Piggy --”
Piggy: “I’LL KILL YA!”
(She swings, he ducks, and she misses.)
Piggy: “WHERE ARE YA, FROG?!”
SONG: “Turn the Beat Around” – sung by Annie Sue while John and Piggy compete in a disco contest (against the big monsters -– Big Mama, Timmy, DogLion, a female Mutation -- amongst others) with slapstick results.
Statler: “Were there cows in that number?”
Waldorf: “No, no, no. That’d be turn the BEEF around!”
(S & W chuckle. A cow pops up.)
Cow (singing): “Love a steer or Holstein.”
(S & W do a take to the camera.)
BACKSTAGE: Kermit compliments John on that last number, as Sam enters to criticize it. John counters that that’s too bad, as he was looking forward to sharing the big salute to America and 50 states pageant closing number with Sam. Sam is thrilled, immediately changing his tune and calling John a “fine young performer” and an “upstanding citizen”.
MUPPET SPORTS: Deep Sea Bowling – Lewis Kazagger and the contestant appear in deep sea diving suits, an octopus is the pinsetter, and a giant ray (from “Octopus’s Garden” in the James Coco episode) swallows the bowling ball, then chases away the contestant (and Lewis).
Statler: “Deep-sea bowling? Never heard of it.”
Waldorf: “Oh, it’s very popular!”
Statler: “It is?!”
Waldorf: “Sure! Already, we’ve got...”
Both: “20,000 leagues under the sea.”
SONG: “It Keeps You Running” - Jogger
UK SPOT: “Warmth of the Sun” – Janice on lead vocals with the Electric Mayhem on a beach
BACKSTAGE: Sam laments the lack of culture on the show so far, and hopes the closing number will be worth it. Tuxedoed musicians enter, heading for the stage, followed by Rowlf.
Sam: “Rowlf! Rowlf, what is this next number?”
Rowlf: “Oh, Sam! The Muppet Orchestra is playing “Also sprach Zarathustra” by Strauss!”
Sam: “Oh! That sounds wonderful! Uh, what does ‘also sprach Zarathustra’ mean?”
Rowlf: “It means “thus spoke Zarathustra”.”
Sam: “Oh. Uh, what did Zarathustra say?”
Rowlf: “I don’t know, Sam. Maybe you’d better ask him!”
(Rowlf chuckles to himself, and exits.)
Sam: “Hmm. Maybe I will.”
(He picks up the phone.)
Sam: “Hello, operator? Can you look up a listing for me? It’s under Zarathustra... Why are you laughing?”
SONG: “Sunrise” from “Also sprach Zarathustra” - Rowlf & the orchestra play against a space backdrop. Quongo the gorilla plays the timpani with bones. On the screen behind them, the Swinetrek passes in front of a large star, revealing Animal as the star child. Animal scares them off, and we hear Link & Strangepork panicking inside as they struggle to take evasive action. We hear Strangepork shout “Look out!” right before he and Link fall on Rowlf.
VET’S HOSPITAL: Jogger
BACKSTAGE: Sam watches Kermit on the intercom.
Kermit: “Salute to America finale! Let’s have the cowboys, jug-band, woodland animals and singing food to the stage, please!”
(The aforementioned head to the stage.)
Sam: “What are THEY doing in this number?!”
Kermit: “Well Sam, we’re doing a pageant for all 50 states, so we’re featuring different cast members to represent those parts of the country.”
Sam: “Hmm, very well. So long as it’s tasteful!”
(The avocado interrupts him.)
Avocado: “Oh, don’t worry! I’ve been told I’m VERY tasteful!”
(The avocado exits.)
Sam: “Ugh. Sigh, at least he won’t explode.”
Kermit: “Oh! Sam, you just reminded me.”
(Kermit speaks into the intercom.)
Kermit: “Crazy Harry on stage for the fireworks!”
Sam: “Crazy Harry?!”
(Sam grabs Kermit.)
Sam: “Are you out of your little green mind?!”
(Crazy Harry enters.)
Kermit: “Sam, I’ve got Harry’s word to keep the fireworks under tight control.”
Crazy Harry: “Yeah, it’ll be beautiful, a patriotic display!”
Kermit: “Now Sam, have a heart, will you? Crazy Harry has as much right as anyone to show his love for his country.”
Crazy Harry: “Yeah. I’m a regular Yankee Doodle Boy.”
Sam: “... All right, all right! But PLEASE can we do this with dignity?!”
Kermit: “Okay, I’ll go introduce it.”
(Kermit and Crazy Harry both head for the stage.)
Crazy Harry (singing): “And the rockets’ red glare,
The bombs bursting in air...”
Sam: “I’d better go out there and keep an eye on this.”
(Sam rushes out.)
CLOSING NUMBER: “Salute to America” - while Sam looks on, John presents a 50 states pageant set to an up-tempo version of “America the Beautiful”. Various characters represent different states, i.e., cowboys for the southwest, jug-band for the south, singing food for the plains, etc. As they go through the procession, they join in singing “Over There”, and trample on Sam.
After the procession, the chorus resumes singing “America the Beautiful”, and a platform rolls in with John standing on it dressed as the Statue of Liberty.
In the wings, as Sam lays down the law for Crazy Harry, he accidentally bumps Harry’s arm, setting off the fireworks in the wrong direction, which catches the set on fire.
Sam panics, rushing onto the set, shouting for someone to “protect the flag, don’t let it catch fire and don’t let it touch the ground!” The flag lands on him, draping over and covering him completely.
All join together for one last chorus in the half-demolished set.
CURTAIN: Kermit thanks John as Sam rushes in.
Sam: “Kermit! That number was a disaster, and we all know who we have to thank for it.”
Kermit: “Indeed we do.”
John: “That’s right.”
Kermit & John: “YOU!”
Sam: “Wha?”
Kermit: “We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show! Possibly without Sam.”
(John & Kermit argue with Sam, as Piggy, Janice, Annie Sue, the Jogger, and a Leprechaun gather around.)
Waldorf: “That patriotic finale really moved me.”
Statler: “It moves me, too –- to defect! Ha ha ha!”
Waldorf: “Heh heh heh!”
Comments encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
STYLE: LATE SEASON THREE (circa Sylvester Stallone, Roger Miller episodes)
COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks and enters.
Scooter: “John Ritter! 35 seconds to curtain, John!”
John: “Thanks, Scooter!”
(Next to him, a possum uses his dressing room table as a podium, while other woodland creatures gather.)
Possum: “I hereby call this meeting of the Association of Woodland Creatures to order. First order of business, to welcome our newest member, John Critter. John, are you here? John?”
(They all look around.)
John: “Uh, I’m John, but I’m not John Critter, I’m John Ritter.”
(The animals all sigh with disappointment.)
John: “But, your organization sounds great. I’d really like to be considered for membership, but I probably don’t qualify.”
Woodchuck: “Oh, we can fix that. Come on, guys!”
(They all pile on him. Chaos. Reveal they’ve dressed him in a dumb-looking bear costume.)
John: “So, I guess I qualify now?”
Possum: “Just BEAR-ly!”
(All laugh.)
S & W:
Waldorf: “Let's get things hopping!”
(A kangaroo pops up, grabs S & W, and starts hopping, shaking them about in the process.)
GONZO: Balloons fly out of Gonzo's trumpet
OPENING NUMBER: “Grazing in the Grass” - Leprechauns in a village
Statler: “Where is the end of the rainbow?”
Waldorf: “I don't know, but it's probably someplace wonderful.”
(A rainbow appears, with Statler & Waldorf's theater box at the end of it.)
S & W: “Oh, no!”
BACKSTAGE: Piggy enters.
Piggy: “Oh, Kermit. I'm so looking forward to this number with John. He’s so cute on his little TV show.”
Kermit: “Well, that’s all right, Miss Piggy.”
Piggy: “Thank you so much for showing off my dancing skills in this instrumental number.”
Kermit: “Well, it’s not an instrumental number.”
Piggy: “Oh? Oh! Of course! Obviously, you wouldn’t ask me to sing if the number calls for MALE singer.”
Kermit: “Well, actually it’s not a male singer.”
Piggy (growling): “Who is she?!”
(Annie Sue enters.)
Annie Sue: “Oh, Mr. Kermit, sir, thank you so much for letting me sing the next number. And Miss Piggy, I’m especially looking forward to sharing the stage with you! I promise I’ll make you proud out there.”
(She exits.)
Kermit: “Now, Miss Piggy --”
Piggy: “I’LL KILL YA!”
(She swings, he ducks, and she misses.)
Piggy: “WHERE ARE YA, FROG?!”
SONG: “Turn the Beat Around” – sung by Annie Sue while John and Piggy compete in a disco contest (against the big monsters -– Big Mama, Timmy, DogLion, a female Mutation -- amongst others) with slapstick results.
Statler: “Were there cows in that number?”
Waldorf: “No, no, no. That’d be turn the BEEF around!”
(S & W chuckle. A cow pops up.)
Cow (singing): “Love a steer or Holstein.”
(S & W do a take to the camera.)
BACKSTAGE: Kermit compliments John on that last number, as Sam enters to criticize it. John counters that that’s too bad, as he was looking forward to sharing the big salute to America and 50 states pageant closing number with Sam. Sam is thrilled, immediately changing his tune and calling John a “fine young performer” and an “upstanding citizen”.
MUPPET SPORTS: Deep Sea Bowling – Lewis Kazagger and the contestant appear in deep sea diving suits, an octopus is the pinsetter, and a giant ray (from “Octopus’s Garden” in the James Coco episode) swallows the bowling ball, then chases away the contestant (and Lewis).
Statler: “Deep-sea bowling? Never heard of it.”
Waldorf: “Oh, it’s very popular!”
Statler: “It is?!”
Waldorf: “Sure! Already, we’ve got...”
Both: “20,000 leagues under the sea.”
SONG: “It Keeps You Running” - Jogger
UK SPOT: “Warmth of the Sun” – Janice on lead vocals with the Electric Mayhem on a beach
BACKSTAGE: Sam laments the lack of culture on the show so far, and hopes the closing number will be worth it. Tuxedoed musicians enter, heading for the stage, followed by Rowlf.
Sam: “Rowlf! Rowlf, what is this next number?”
Rowlf: “Oh, Sam! The Muppet Orchestra is playing “Also sprach Zarathustra” by Strauss!”
Sam: “Oh! That sounds wonderful! Uh, what does ‘also sprach Zarathustra’ mean?”
Rowlf: “It means “thus spoke Zarathustra”.”
Sam: “Oh. Uh, what did Zarathustra say?”
Rowlf: “I don’t know, Sam. Maybe you’d better ask him!”
(Rowlf chuckles to himself, and exits.)
Sam: “Hmm. Maybe I will.”
(He picks up the phone.)
Sam: “Hello, operator? Can you look up a listing for me? It’s under Zarathustra... Why are you laughing?”
SONG: “Sunrise” from “Also sprach Zarathustra” - Rowlf & the orchestra play against a space backdrop. Quongo the gorilla plays the timpani with bones. On the screen behind them, the Swinetrek passes in front of a large star, revealing Animal as the star child. Animal scares them off, and we hear Link & Strangepork panicking inside as they struggle to take evasive action. We hear Strangepork shout “Look out!” right before he and Link fall on Rowlf.
VET’S HOSPITAL: Jogger
BACKSTAGE: Sam watches Kermit on the intercom.
Kermit: “Salute to America finale! Let’s have the cowboys, jug-band, woodland animals and singing food to the stage, please!”
(The aforementioned head to the stage.)
Sam: “What are THEY doing in this number?!”
Kermit: “Well Sam, we’re doing a pageant for all 50 states, so we’re featuring different cast members to represent those parts of the country.”
Sam: “Hmm, very well. So long as it’s tasteful!”
(The avocado interrupts him.)
Avocado: “Oh, don’t worry! I’ve been told I’m VERY tasteful!”
(The avocado exits.)
Sam: “Ugh. Sigh, at least he won’t explode.”
Kermit: “Oh! Sam, you just reminded me.”
(Kermit speaks into the intercom.)
Kermit: “Crazy Harry on stage for the fireworks!”
Sam: “Crazy Harry?!”
(Sam grabs Kermit.)
Sam: “Are you out of your little green mind?!”
(Crazy Harry enters.)
Kermit: “Sam, I’ve got Harry’s word to keep the fireworks under tight control.”
Crazy Harry: “Yeah, it’ll be beautiful, a patriotic display!”
Kermit: “Now Sam, have a heart, will you? Crazy Harry has as much right as anyone to show his love for his country.”
Crazy Harry: “Yeah. I’m a regular Yankee Doodle Boy.”
Sam: “... All right, all right! But PLEASE can we do this with dignity?!”
Kermit: “Okay, I’ll go introduce it.”
(Kermit and Crazy Harry both head for the stage.)
Crazy Harry (singing): “And the rockets’ red glare,
The bombs bursting in air...”
Sam: “I’d better go out there and keep an eye on this.”
(Sam rushes out.)
CLOSING NUMBER: “Salute to America” - while Sam looks on, John presents a 50 states pageant set to an up-tempo version of “America the Beautiful”. Various characters represent different states, i.e., cowboys for the southwest, jug-band for the south, singing food for the plains, etc. As they go through the procession, they join in singing “Over There”, and trample on Sam.
After the procession, the chorus resumes singing “America the Beautiful”, and a platform rolls in with John standing on it dressed as the Statue of Liberty.
In the wings, as Sam lays down the law for Crazy Harry, he accidentally bumps Harry’s arm, setting off the fireworks in the wrong direction, which catches the set on fire.
Sam panics, rushing onto the set, shouting for someone to “protect the flag, don’t let it catch fire and don’t let it touch the ground!” The flag lands on him, draping over and covering him completely.
All join together for one last chorus in the half-demolished set.
CURTAIN: Kermit thanks John as Sam rushes in.
Sam: “Kermit! That number was a disaster, and we all know who we have to thank for it.”
Kermit: “Indeed we do.”
John: “That’s right.”
Kermit & John: “YOU!”
Sam: “Wha?”
Kermit: “We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show! Possibly without Sam.”
(John & Kermit argue with Sam, as Piggy, Janice, Annie Sue, the Jogger, and a Leprechaun gather around.)
Waldorf: “That patriotic finale really moved me.”
Statler: “It moves me, too –- to defect! Ha ha ha!”
Waldorf: “Heh heh heh!”
Comments encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
