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Gorgon Heap
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Had this one on the back burner for a while when kathy26 reached out to me about doing one as a surprise for cjd874. So I dusted it off, we bounced some ideas around, and here's the finished product!
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: FRANKIE VALLI
STYLE: SEASON THREE (circa Jean Stapleton, Alice Cooper)
COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks, enters.
Scooter: “Frankie Valli! 30 seconds to curtain, Mr. Valli!”
Frankie: "Thank you, Scooter! I’m really thrilled to be here! You Muppets are the best! And Scooter, you’re a wonderful gofer.”
Scooter: “Gee, thanks!”
Frankie: “You know, I really must say, this is the best show I've ever been on!"
Scooter: "Oh, you don't HAVE to say it. It's not like we have a gun to your back."
(Scooter exits.)
Frankie: "Funny you should mention it..."
(Pan to reveal Crazy Harry has a cannon pointed at Frankie’s back.)
OPENING THEME:
Statler: “I know what’ll save this show.”
Waldorf: “You do? What’s that?”
(Statler produces a sheet of paper.)
Statler: “A crossword puzzle!”
(S & W laugh.)
GONZO: seagulls come out of Gonzo’s trumpet, to the sounds of waves and cawing
OPENING NUMBER: "Grease is the Word" – Frankie sings on an elevated stage, with the Electric Mayhem in the top of a large jukebox bandstand, with Annie Sue and a Whatnot 50’s girl sing backup on stage with Frankie.
On the floor below, a pit of dancers shows off their moves (including Whatnots, animals, creatures, monsters). Sweetums, Fletcher Bird, and Mean Mama join Frankie onstage, one by one, until Mean Mama gets a little too friendly!
Waldorf: “Ah, that Frankie Valli is terrific!”
Statler: “Tremendous!”
Waldorf: “What’s next in the program?
(Statler consults the program.)
Statler: “Muppet Labs.”
Waldorf (beat): “You still have that crossword puzzle?”
Statler: “Right here.”
BACKSTAGE: Scooter is in Kermit’s way at the desk.
Kermit: “Uh, Scooter, would you – would you move, please?”
(into intercom)
“OK, strike that set, bring in Muppet Labs!”
(Bunsen enters.)
Bunsen: “Oh, Mr. Kermit, I just wanted to say that my latest invention is particularly appropriate for tonight’s show since our guest star is Mr. Frankie Avalon.”
Kermit: “No, no, no. Our guest star is Frankie Valli!”
Bunsen: “Oh. What does he do?”
Kermit: “Will you get on stage, Bunsen? Now Scooter, what are you doing at my desk?”
Scooter: “Well, you see, my teacher, Mrs. McIlhenny, gave us this homework assignment.”
(Luncheon Counter Monster passes by, eavesdropping.)
Kermit: “Er, if you have homework, maybe you should go home and skip gofer-ing tonight.”
Scooter: “I would, it’s just that the assignment is…”
(reads)
“Ahem: to interview someone who is a hero in your life. So you see, naturally I’d want to do it here. I mean, you’re ALL my heroes!”
LCM: “Aw, you really made my day, kid!”
(LCM throws an arm around Scooter, hugging him a little too tight.)
LCM: “Now it all started a long time ago. I was a lonely, yet happy child. Little did I know that I would ascend to stardom!”
(Scooter looks to Kermit for help. Kermit just shakes his head and leaves.)
MUPPET LABS: Bunsen invents Beach Body Pills.
Bunsen: “For years, people have had to suffer the embarrassment of being the token 98-lb. weakling whenever they went to the beach, just like poor Beaker here.”
(Beaker does a double take. He leans toward the wings, pointing over his shoulder at Bunsen and murmuring, as if to say, “can you BELIEVE this guy?!”)
Bunsen: “But now, here comes the all-new Beach Body Pill. Try one, Beaker.”
(Beaker gulps down several.)
Bunsen: “Not a whole handful!”
(Beaker bulks up at an enormous rate, and grows into a giant, to boot.)
Bunsen: “Oh, dear! Um… that’s all for now from Muppet Labs.”
(Beaker picks up Bunsen by his collar, and leaves, carrying him.)
(Statler & Waldorf look over the crossword puzzle.)
Statler: “Hmm, a 10-letter word meaning ‘enormous’.”
(Giant Beaker sticks his head into frame. Waldorf recoils in horror. Statler doesn’t notice.”
Waldorf (stutters): “Gargantuan!”
Statler: “Say, that’s right! How did you—“
(looks up)
“Ah!”
(He recoils in horror. Beaker exits.)
BACKSTAGE: Scooter tries to decide who to interview.
Scooter: “It should be someone I really look up to.”
(Giant Beaker enters, still carrying Bunsen, and makes his way through the backstage.)
Scooter: “But maybe not that much. Some figures are so towering, there’s no measuring up.”
(Fozzie enters.)
Scooter: “Oh, Fozzie! Could you help me out with something?”
Fozzie: “What’s that?”
Scooter: “I have a school assignment to interview one of my personal heroes.”
Fozzie: “So?”
Scooter: “So, I want to interview you!”
Fozzie: “You do? Oh, wow! Oh, I’m so honored! What do I do?”
Scooter: “Well uh, just answer some of these questions.”
Fozzie: “Okay, go!”
Scooter (reading): “Uh, describe a challenge in your life and how you overcame it.”
Fozzie: “Oh, well –-“
(stops short)
“Uh… oh! I could talk about how Statler & Waldorf always heckle me!”
Scooter: “Oh, great idea, Foz!”
Fozzie: “Well, you see they always heckle me, but I –- uh, well! I just, uh… oh, gosh, uh, guess I never overcame that one.”
Scooter: “Well, we can move on to the next question.”
(reading)
“Ahem: what accomplishment are you most proud of?”
Fozzie: “Are you kidding? Why, I’m most proud of… uh, well there was, uh… oh!”
(He buries his face in his hand.)
Fozzie (to self): “This is not going very well.”
Scooter: “Oh. Well then, uh, how about –“
Fozzie (interrupts him): “Scooter! I’m sorry, but uh, I think I’m gonna go lie down for a little while. I have some things to think about.”
(He whimpers, and exits.)
Scooter (to camera): “Well, they say a hero’s job is never done.”
(He shrugs.)
SONG: “Build Me Up Buttercup” – a male Whatnot (voice of Peter Friedman) sings in his living room (with two Whatnot backup singers popping up from behind the couch) while a stream of solicitors (encyclopedia salesman, vacuum cleaner salesman, girl scout selling cookies) and weirdos (Uncle Deadly, knock on his door – everyone BUT his girl. At the end, Behemoth shows up.
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=build+me+up+buttercup
Buttercup (voice): “Honey –-“
(Behemoth’s mouth opens to reveal Buttercup opening it from the INSIDE!)
Buttercup: “You’ll never believe the day I had.”
(Behemoth closes his mouth, trapping her back inside.)
BACKSTAGE: back by Kermit’s office, to the far left of Backstage Right, Scooter comes upon Gonzo fussing with a giant slingshot.
Scooter: “Say Gonzo, can I talk to you for a minute?”
Gonzo: “I’m kinda busy right now, Scooter. What’s on your mind?”
Scooter: “Well, I’m –-“
Gonzo: “Do you wanna hand me that wrench?”
Scooter: “Sure.”
(He does. Gonzo tightens the slingshot, grunting.)
Scooter: “My teacher, Mrs. McIlhenny, gave us this homework assignment to interview one of our heroes.”
Gonzo (stops): “And you picked ME?!”
(Scooter nods.)
Gonzo: “Gosh! What a compliment! I suppose I can spare a minute of my time, if you’re willing to help me out with this.”
Scooter: “Sure! What is it?”
Gonzo: “Well, it’s a rather sensational new act I’m doing: I slingshot myself through a flaming hoop and into the target…”
(motions to target by Kermit’s desk by the intercom)
“… while playing “Holiday for Strings” on the tuba.”
(Scooter does a double take at Gonzo, then a take to the camera.)
Gonzo: “Here, help me with this rig. You can ask me your questions.”
Scooter: “Oh, okay.”
(Gonzo puts on his helmet, and backs into the sling saddle.)
Gonzo: “Pull it back real tight.”
Scooter: “Gotcha. So…”
(reads)
“Who inspires you the most, and why?”
Gonzo: “Why, I do! Shouldn’t it be obvious?”
Scooter: “Uh, yeah… Uh --”
Gonzo: “Pull it back tighter.”
Scooter: “What’s the hardest lesson you’ve ever learned?”
Gonzo: “Work without a net, or work without a helmet, but never both at the same time. Can’t you pull it any tighter back there?!”
Scooter: “Tighter?!”
Gonzo: “Tighter!”
Scooter: “Okay!”
Gonzo: “When I count three, you let go!”
Scooter: “Ready!”
Gonzo: “One… two… oh, hang on. I forgot my tuba.”
(Gonzo leans down to pick it up. Scooter, still holding onto the slingshot, goes flying. We hear a thud and a splitting sound off screen.)
Gonzo: “Okay, Scooter, I’m – gasp! You’re not supposed to do the act FOR me!”
(Scooter wobbles in, woozy, carrying what’s left of the target around his neck. He tries to speak.)
Scooter: “I –-“
(He faints. Gonzo shakes his head.)
Gonzo: “That’s stardom for ya: you get ‘em fainting dead at your feet!”
(Gonzo looks down, then back at camera. His eyes bulge.)
SONG: “Let’s Hang On” – Frankie sings to his begrudging girlfriend, Piggy (as an island princess), while the (Whatnot) tribe prepares to burn him at the stake.
UK SPOT: “Goodbye, Cruel World (I’m Off to Join the Circus)” – Clown in circus backdrop with a Ringmaster, Showgirl, the Zucchini Brothers, and a gorilla who watches from a cage in the background.
PLANET KOOZEBANE: Kermit interviews the Four Fazoobs, who give unintelligible, ‘musical’, and gestural answers to Kermit’s questions about Koozebanian music.
(Waldorf shakes his head.)
Waldorf: “Awful. What did you think?”
Statler: “It’s spectacular!”
Waldorf: “What?! You thought that was GOOD?!”
Statler: “No, the answer to 15 across: it’s ‘spectacular’.”
(S & W laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: Scooter approaches Miss Piggy.
Scooter: “Oh Miss Piggy!”
Piggy: “Oh, Scooter.”
Scooter: “Miss Piggy, I was wondering if I could interview you?”
Piggy: “Vou? Interview moi? I only do press interviews.”
Scooter: “Oh. My teacher, Mrs. McIlhenny, gave us an assignment to interview one of our heroes.”
(Piggy stops, flattered.)
Piggy: “Well, anything for higher education!
(giggles)
“So, what do you want to ask me?”
Scooter (reading): “What do you consider to be your greatest strengths?”
Piggy: “Well, there’s my beauty, my acting chops, my karate – and I can bench 250!”
Scooter (writing): “… can bench 250 —“
Piggy: “Don’t print that! Just focus on my beauty and talent.”
Scooter: “Uh-huh.”
Piggy: “You DO think I’m beautiful and talented, don’t you?”
Scooter: “Well, uh…”
(reads)
“Next question: what do you consider your greatest weaknesses?”
Piggy: “… I don’t understand the question.”
Scooter: “You know, things you struggle with, your personality flaws, things like that.”
Piggy: “Moi? I do not have any personality flaws.”
Scooter: “Everyone has personality flaws! There’s your obsession with Kermit –“
Piggy: “THAT is mutual affection.”
Scooter: “I think it’s more mutual for you than for him.”
Piggy: “Why, you –“
Scooter: “And what about your vanity?”
Piggy: “Vanity?!”
Scooter: “And there’s your notorious temper!”
Piggy: “Oh, yeah?! I’ll show you temper! HI-YAH!”
(She chops him, and exits in a huff. Scooter staggers to his feet.)
Scooter: “Clearly, one should never underestimate a hero’s strength.”
(He faints.)
SONG: “She Can’t Find Her Keys” – Gonzo sings at Camilla’s front door, while she buries and assaults him with all manner of random objects.
BACKSTAGE: Scooter tries to interview Sam the Eagle for his assignment.
Sam: “Oh, at last! Someone, someone has finally joined the crusade against indecency and immorality. And I might have guessed that it would you, an impressionable young lad, on the cusp of adulthood, searching for a role model to mold you --”
(Sam crushes Scooter to his side.)
Sam: “—- as you prepare to take on a life that’s productive, and constructive!”
Scooter: “Uh, Sam? Sam?”
(Sam is squishing Scooter.)
Sam: “Hmm? Oh, sorry.”
(Sam lets go.)
Sam: “Now then, lad, what ARE your goals?”
Scooter: “Well, I was thinking of joining a rock band.”
Sam: “… What?”
Scooter: “Yeah, to have fun, and maybe meet some groovy chicks!”
(Sam takes the paper out of Scooter’s hand and nonchalantly rips it in half.)
Scooter: “Hey, you were supposed to HELP me!”
Sam: “… I just did.”
(Sam scoffs and grumbles as he skulks away. The Swedish Chef enters.)
Scooter: “Oh, Chef! Maybe I could interview YOU for my project.”
(The Chef says something unintelligible.)
Scooter: “How’s that again?”
(The Chef says something else unintelligible.)
Scooter: “Boy, that’s the thing about heroes: sometimes they’re so mysterious, you can’t understand ‘em at ALL!”
(The Chef nods to himself.)
CLOSING NUMBER: "My Eyes Adored You" – Frankie & the Electric Mayhem in the bandstand set (red & purple lit background).
GOODNIGHTS: Scooter has decided to do his essay about Frankie Valli.
Scooter: “Mrs. McIlhenny is a big fan. With his autograph, maybe I can get extra credit!”
(Frankie, Kermit, Scooter, Fozzie, Gonzo, Annie Sue, Clown, and Cute the Fazoob gather around.)
(S & W have finished the crossword puzzle.)
Waldorf: “I can’t think of when I’ve enjoyed the show more.”
Statler: “Me either. Think we’ll ever match it?”
Waldorf: “Of course – bring another crossword puzzle!”
(S & W laugh.)
One-shot character credits:
50's girl, Buttercup: Louise
Buttercup lead singer: Peter Friedman
Clown, Buttercup backup singer: Jerry
Buttercup backup singer: Richard
I had to eliminate one of the embedded videos (no more than 5 pieces of media, there are 6 songs in this episode), so I just linked to "Build Me Up, Buttercup"; I figure it's the most widely recognized of the 6.
Comments welcome.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: FRANKIE VALLI
STYLE: SEASON THREE (circa Jean Stapleton, Alice Cooper)
COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks, enters.
Scooter: “Frankie Valli! 30 seconds to curtain, Mr. Valli!”
Frankie: "Thank you, Scooter! I’m really thrilled to be here! You Muppets are the best! And Scooter, you’re a wonderful gofer.”
Scooter: “Gee, thanks!”
Frankie: “You know, I really must say, this is the best show I've ever been on!"
Scooter: "Oh, you don't HAVE to say it. It's not like we have a gun to your back."
(Scooter exits.)
Frankie: "Funny you should mention it..."
(Pan to reveal Crazy Harry has a cannon pointed at Frankie’s back.)
OPENING THEME:
Statler: “I know what’ll save this show.”
Waldorf: “You do? What’s that?”
(Statler produces a sheet of paper.)
Statler: “A crossword puzzle!”
(S & W laugh.)
GONZO: seagulls come out of Gonzo’s trumpet, to the sounds of waves and cawing
OPENING NUMBER: "Grease is the Word" – Frankie sings on an elevated stage, with the Electric Mayhem in the top of a large jukebox bandstand, with Annie Sue and a Whatnot 50’s girl sing backup on stage with Frankie.
On the floor below, a pit of dancers shows off their moves (including Whatnots, animals, creatures, monsters). Sweetums, Fletcher Bird, and Mean Mama join Frankie onstage, one by one, until Mean Mama gets a little too friendly!
Waldorf: “Ah, that Frankie Valli is terrific!”
Statler: “Tremendous!”
Waldorf: “What’s next in the program?
(Statler consults the program.)
Statler: “Muppet Labs.”
Waldorf (beat): “You still have that crossword puzzle?”
Statler: “Right here.”
BACKSTAGE: Scooter is in Kermit’s way at the desk.
Kermit: “Uh, Scooter, would you – would you move, please?”
(into intercom)
“OK, strike that set, bring in Muppet Labs!”
(Bunsen enters.)
Bunsen: “Oh, Mr. Kermit, I just wanted to say that my latest invention is particularly appropriate for tonight’s show since our guest star is Mr. Frankie Avalon.”
Kermit: “No, no, no. Our guest star is Frankie Valli!”
Bunsen: “Oh. What does he do?”
Kermit: “Will you get on stage, Bunsen? Now Scooter, what are you doing at my desk?”
Scooter: “Well, you see, my teacher, Mrs. McIlhenny, gave us this homework assignment.”
(Luncheon Counter Monster passes by, eavesdropping.)
Kermit: “Er, if you have homework, maybe you should go home and skip gofer-ing tonight.”
Scooter: “I would, it’s just that the assignment is…”
(reads)
“Ahem: to interview someone who is a hero in your life. So you see, naturally I’d want to do it here. I mean, you’re ALL my heroes!”
LCM: “Aw, you really made my day, kid!”
(LCM throws an arm around Scooter, hugging him a little too tight.)
LCM: “Now it all started a long time ago. I was a lonely, yet happy child. Little did I know that I would ascend to stardom!”
(Scooter looks to Kermit for help. Kermit just shakes his head and leaves.)
MUPPET LABS: Bunsen invents Beach Body Pills.
Bunsen: “For years, people have had to suffer the embarrassment of being the token 98-lb. weakling whenever they went to the beach, just like poor Beaker here.”
(Beaker does a double take. He leans toward the wings, pointing over his shoulder at Bunsen and murmuring, as if to say, “can you BELIEVE this guy?!”)
Bunsen: “But now, here comes the all-new Beach Body Pill. Try one, Beaker.”
(Beaker gulps down several.)
Bunsen: “Not a whole handful!”
(Beaker bulks up at an enormous rate, and grows into a giant, to boot.)
Bunsen: “Oh, dear! Um… that’s all for now from Muppet Labs.”
(Beaker picks up Bunsen by his collar, and leaves, carrying him.)
(Statler & Waldorf look over the crossword puzzle.)
Statler: “Hmm, a 10-letter word meaning ‘enormous’.”
(Giant Beaker sticks his head into frame. Waldorf recoils in horror. Statler doesn’t notice.”
Waldorf (stutters): “Gargantuan!”
Statler: “Say, that’s right! How did you—“
(looks up)
“Ah!”
(He recoils in horror. Beaker exits.)
BACKSTAGE: Scooter tries to decide who to interview.
Scooter: “It should be someone I really look up to.”
(Giant Beaker enters, still carrying Bunsen, and makes his way through the backstage.)
Scooter: “But maybe not that much. Some figures are so towering, there’s no measuring up.”
(Fozzie enters.)
Scooter: “Oh, Fozzie! Could you help me out with something?”
Fozzie: “What’s that?”
Scooter: “I have a school assignment to interview one of my personal heroes.”
Fozzie: “So?”
Scooter: “So, I want to interview you!”
Fozzie: “You do? Oh, wow! Oh, I’m so honored! What do I do?”
Scooter: “Well uh, just answer some of these questions.”
Fozzie: “Okay, go!”
Scooter (reading): “Uh, describe a challenge in your life and how you overcame it.”
Fozzie: “Oh, well –-“
(stops short)
“Uh… oh! I could talk about how Statler & Waldorf always heckle me!”
Scooter: “Oh, great idea, Foz!”
Fozzie: “Well, you see they always heckle me, but I –- uh, well! I just, uh… oh, gosh, uh, guess I never overcame that one.”
Scooter: “Well, we can move on to the next question.”
(reading)
“Ahem: what accomplishment are you most proud of?”
Fozzie: “Are you kidding? Why, I’m most proud of… uh, well there was, uh… oh!”
(He buries his face in his hand.)
Fozzie (to self): “This is not going very well.”
Scooter: “Oh. Well then, uh, how about –“
Fozzie (interrupts him): “Scooter! I’m sorry, but uh, I think I’m gonna go lie down for a little while. I have some things to think about.”
(He whimpers, and exits.)
Scooter (to camera): “Well, they say a hero’s job is never done.”
(He shrugs.)
SONG: “Build Me Up Buttercup” – a male Whatnot (voice of Peter Friedman) sings in his living room (with two Whatnot backup singers popping up from behind the couch) while a stream of solicitors (encyclopedia salesman, vacuum cleaner salesman, girl scout selling cookies) and weirdos (Uncle Deadly, knock on his door – everyone BUT his girl. At the end, Behemoth shows up.
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=build+me+up+buttercup
Buttercup (voice): “Honey –-“
(Behemoth’s mouth opens to reveal Buttercup opening it from the INSIDE!)
Buttercup: “You’ll never believe the day I had.”
(Behemoth closes his mouth, trapping her back inside.)
BACKSTAGE: back by Kermit’s office, to the far left of Backstage Right, Scooter comes upon Gonzo fussing with a giant slingshot.
Scooter: “Say Gonzo, can I talk to you for a minute?”
Gonzo: “I’m kinda busy right now, Scooter. What’s on your mind?”
Scooter: “Well, I’m –-“
Gonzo: “Do you wanna hand me that wrench?”
Scooter: “Sure.”
(He does. Gonzo tightens the slingshot, grunting.)
Scooter: “My teacher, Mrs. McIlhenny, gave us this homework assignment to interview one of our heroes.”
Gonzo (stops): “And you picked ME?!”
(Scooter nods.)
Gonzo: “Gosh! What a compliment! I suppose I can spare a minute of my time, if you’re willing to help me out with this.”
Scooter: “Sure! What is it?”
Gonzo: “Well, it’s a rather sensational new act I’m doing: I slingshot myself through a flaming hoop and into the target…”
(motions to target by Kermit’s desk by the intercom)
“… while playing “Holiday for Strings” on the tuba.”
(Scooter does a double take at Gonzo, then a take to the camera.)
Gonzo: “Here, help me with this rig. You can ask me your questions.”
Scooter: “Oh, okay.”
(Gonzo puts on his helmet, and backs into the sling saddle.)
Gonzo: “Pull it back real tight.”
Scooter: “Gotcha. So…”
(reads)
“Who inspires you the most, and why?”
Gonzo: “Why, I do! Shouldn’t it be obvious?”
Scooter: “Uh, yeah… Uh --”
Gonzo: “Pull it back tighter.”
Scooter: “What’s the hardest lesson you’ve ever learned?”
Gonzo: “Work without a net, or work without a helmet, but never both at the same time. Can’t you pull it any tighter back there?!”
Scooter: “Tighter?!”
Gonzo: “Tighter!”
Scooter: “Okay!”
Gonzo: “When I count three, you let go!”
Scooter: “Ready!”
Gonzo: “One… two… oh, hang on. I forgot my tuba.”
(Gonzo leans down to pick it up. Scooter, still holding onto the slingshot, goes flying. We hear a thud and a splitting sound off screen.)
Gonzo: “Okay, Scooter, I’m – gasp! You’re not supposed to do the act FOR me!”
(Scooter wobbles in, woozy, carrying what’s left of the target around his neck. He tries to speak.)
Scooter: “I –-“
(He faints. Gonzo shakes his head.)
Gonzo: “That’s stardom for ya: you get ‘em fainting dead at your feet!”
(Gonzo looks down, then back at camera. His eyes bulge.)
SONG: “Let’s Hang On” – Frankie sings to his begrudging girlfriend, Piggy (as an island princess), while the (Whatnot) tribe prepares to burn him at the stake.
UK SPOT: “Goodbye, Cruel World (I’m Off to Join the Circus)” – Clown in circus backdrop with a Ringmaster, Showgirl, the Zucchini Brothers, and a gorilla who watches from a cage in the background.
PLANET KOOZEBANE: Kermit interviews the Four Fazoobs, who give unintelligible, ‘musical’, and gestural answers to Kermit’s questions about Koozebanian music.
(Waldorf shakes his head.)
Waldorf: “Awful. What did you think?”
Statler: “It’s spectacular!”
Waldorf: “What?! You thought that was GOOD?!”
Statler: “No, the answer to 15 across: it’s ‘spectacular’.”
(S & W laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: Scooter approaches Miss Piggy.
Scooter: “Oh Miss Piggy!”
Piggy: “Oh, Scooter.”
Scooter: “Miss Piggy, I was wondering if I could interview you?”
Piggy: “Vou? Interview moi? I only do press interviews.”
Scooter: “Oh. My teacher, Mrs. McIlhenny, gave us an assignment to interview one of our heroes.”
(Piggy stops, flattered.)
Piggy: “Well, anything for higher education!
(giggles)
“So, what do you want to ask me?”
Scooter (reading): “What do you consider to be your greatest strengths?”
Piggy: “Well, there’s my beauty, my acting chops, my karate – and I can bench 250!”
Scooter (writing): “… can bench 250 —“
Piggy: “Don’t print that! Just focus on my beauty and talent.”
Scooter: “Uh-huh.”
Piggy: “You DO think I’m beautiful and talented, don’t you?”
Scooter: “Well, uh…”
(reads)
“Next question: what do you consider your greatest weaknesses?”
Piggy: “… I don’t understand the question.”
Scooter: “You know, things you struggle with, your personality flaws, things like that.”
Piggy: “Moi? I do not have any personality flaws.”
Scooter: “Everyone has personality flaws! There’s your obsession with Kermit –“
Piggy: “THAT is mutual affection.”
Scooter: “I think it’s more mutual for you than for him.”
Piggy: “Why, you –“
Scooter: “And what about your vanity?”
Piggy: “Vanity?!”
Scooter: “And there’s your notorious temper!”
Piggy: “Oh, yeah?! I’ll show you temper! HI-YAH!”
(She chops him, and exits in a huff. Scooter staggers to his feet.)
Scooter: “Clearly, one should never underestimate a hero’s strength.”
(He faints.)
SONG: “She Can’t Find Her Keys” – Gonzo sings at Camilla’s front door, while she buries and assaults him with all manner of random objects.
BACKSTAGE: Scooter tries to interview Sam the Eagle for his assignment.
Sam: “Oh, at last! Someone, someone has finally joined the crusade against indecency and immorality. And I might have guessed that it would you, an impressionable young lad, on the cusp of adulthood, searching for a role model to mold you --”
(Sam crushes Scooter to his side.)
Sam: “—- as you prepare to take on a life that’s productive, and constructive!”
Scooter: “Uh, Sam? Sam?”
(Sam is squishing Scooter.)
Sam: “Hmm? Oh, sorry.”
(Sam lets go.)
Sam: “Now then, lad, what ARE your goals?”
Scooter: “Well, I was thinking of joining a rock band.”
Sam: “… What?”
Scooter: “Yeah, to have fun, and maybe meet some groovy chicks!”
(Sam takes the paper out of Scooter’s hand and nonchalantly rips it in half.)
Scooter: “Hey, you were supposed to HELP me!”
Sam: “… I just did.”
(Sam scoffs and grumbles as he skulks away. The Swedish Chef enters.)
Scooter: “Oh, Chef! Maybe I could interview YOU for my project.”
(The Chef says something unintelligible.)
Scooter: “How’s that again?”
(The Chef says something else unintelligible.)
Scooter: “Boy, that’s the thing about heroes: sometimes they’re so mysterious, you can’t understand ‘em at ALL!”
(The Chef nods to himself.)
CLOSING NUMBER: "My Eyes Adored You" – Frankie & the Electric Mayhem in the bandstand set (red & purple lit background).
GOODNIGHTS: Scooter has decided to do his essay about Frankie Valli.
Scooter: “Mrs. McIlhenny is a big fan. With his autograph, maybe I can get extra credit!”
(Frankie, Kermit, Scooter, Fozzie, Gonzo, Annie Sue, Clown, and Cute the Fazoob gather around.)
(S & W have finished the crossword puzzle.)
Waldorf: “I can’t think of when I’ve enjoyed the show more.”
Statler: “Me either. Think we’ll ever match it?”
Waldorf: “Of course – bring another crossword puzzle!”
(S & W laugh.)
One-shot character credits:
50's girl, Buttercup: Louise
Buttercup lead singer: Peter Friedman
Clown, Buttercup backup singer: Jerry
Buttercup backup singer: Richard
I had to eliminate one of the embedded videos (no more than 5 pieces of media, there are 6 songs in this episode), so I just linked to "Build Me Up, Buttercup"; I figure it's the most widely recognized of the 6.
Comments welcome.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
