TMS outline- Flip Wilson!

[Gorgon Heap]

I should think that Flip needs little introduction. He was the first African-American to successfully host his own variety show, which ran for four years. During that time, the Muppets made numerous guest appearances. Submitted for your approval:

"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Flip Wilson! YAAAAYYYYYY!!!!"


SPECIAL GUEST STAR: Flip Wilson

STYLE: SEASON THREE (circa Raquel Welch, James Coco episodes)

COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks and enters.

Scooter: “Flip Wilson! Uh, 15 seconds to curtain, Mr. Wilson.”

(Flip is dressed as Geraldine.)

Scooter: “Oh gee, I’m sorry ma’am. I was expecting Flip Wilson.”

Flip (as Geraldine): “Honey, what you see is what you get! WHOO!”

OPENING THEME:
BACKSTAGE: Scooter is trying to rig some scenery, without success. Bo runs by.

Scooter: “Hey Bo, do you know how to work this?”

Bo: “Yes!”

(Bo leaves, having answered the question. Scooter does a double-take to the camera.)

GONZO: fireflies come out of Gonzo's trumpet

OPENING NUMBER: “Five O’clock World”- the pigs as Native Americans in a native camp (with teepees), along with a singing totem pole and dancing scalps

Waldorf: "I remember what it was like on my first job. I always looked forward to the end of the day."

Statler: "They kept pretty rigorous hours on the Pony Express, didn't they? HA HA HA HA HA!" (Waldorf frowns.)

BACKSTAGE: Kermit is having a difficult time casting the beautiful girls for the closing number. Naturally, Miss Piggy thinks the answer is obvious- her.

Kermit: "Well Piggy, I thought that uh, you know, the burden on you of having to be the resident ah, resident, uh the resident beauty of the show, uh, I thought that you ah, you might like the time off."

Piggy: "Well you thought wrong, El Toado! Why shouldn't I be the beautiful girl of the title? HMM?"

Kermit: "Well Piggy, it does call for more than one beautiful girl, and-"

Piggy: "Oh Kermie, Kermie, dear silly Kermie! Why go for quantity when you can have quality?"

Kermit: "Uh yes, well, be that as it may, Piggy dear, this number requires a dozen different costumes to be worn by the beautiful girls, and no one can make that many costume changes in such a quick succession. It's not possible."

Piggy (in his face): "I'll MAKE it possible!"

(She rushes off.)

Kermit: "Too bad she can't bully the laws of physics... or the law of gravity, for that matter."

(Piggy rushes back in.)

Piggy: "I heard that, swamp breath! HI-YAH!"

SKETCH: Flip plays a museum curator, showing the exhibit of a frozen prehistoric man (Sweetums). Unfortunately, patron Fozzie accidentally bumps the temperature control and thaws him. When Fozzie sees Sweetums moving, he can't convince Flip that the caveman is thawed. That is, not until Flip catches him moving, and notices that the ice in his water glass has melted. Sweetums begs not to be frozen again.

Flip: "But we still need an attraction."

Sweetums: "You want an attraction? I'll give you an attraction!"

(Sweetums begins a song and dance number, "Don't Rain on my Parade"; Flip and Fozzie join him.)

(Cut to S & W's box.)

Statler: "Say Waldorf, I was wondering, how's your new hearing aid working out? Is it up to snuff?"

Waldorf (leans in): "WHAT?"

Statler: "IS YOUR NEW HEARING AID UP TO SNUFF?"

Waldorf: "No I will not have my hearing aid stuffed! What kind of crazy talk is that?! Hmmph!"

Statler (aside): "Never mind."

SONG: "Evil Ways"- two Whatnots sing to a beautiful sorceress; every time they sing "You've got to change" and pause, she transforms into something else with an explosion. She transforms at other points too, into everything from animals to monsters to other people to giant creatures to tiny creatures, chasing them around the stage and at the end of the number disappears.

Whatnots: (singing)
"You've got to change your evil ways... baby
Before I stop loving you.
You've go to change..."

(She changes into housewife's dress)

"Baby
And every word that I say, it's true.
You've got me running-"

(She changes into a floozy's dress.)

"And hiding-"

(She changes into nurse's dress.)

"All over" (she changes into farmer's dress) "town." (she changes into mountaineer's dress.)

"You've got me sneaking-"

(She changes into pirate's dress.)

"And peeping-"

(She changes into astronaut's dress.)

"And running" (she changes into scuba diver's dress) "around" (She changes into firefighter's dress.)

"This can't go on...
Lord knows you got to change..."

(She turns into a different woman)

"Baby.

When I come home..."

(She turns into yet another different woman)

"Baby
My house is dark and my thoughts are cold
You're hanging ‘round..."

(She turns into a baby.)

"Baby
With Jean and Joan and a who knows who
I'm getting tired-"

(She turns into an old lady.)

"Of waiting-"

(She turns into a cow)

"And fooling" (she turns into a bird) "around" (she turns into a frog)

"I'll find somebody-"

(She turns into a fox.)

"Who won't make-"

(She turns into Shaky Sanchez.)

"-Me feel like" (she turns into a bear) "a clown" (she turns into one of the Four Fazoobs)

"This can't go on...
Lord knows you got to change."

(Organ Solo: during the organ solo, she turns into a dog; the Whatnots pet the dog, who then turns into an alligator and chases them. They run offstage, then back on, this time followed by a monster; they repeat this back and forth, followed by a bigger monster, then a full-body monster, then a rat, then a giant monster whose feet alone are visible)

"When I come home..."

(She turns into Marvin Suggs.)

"Baby
My house is dark and my thoughts are cold
You're hanging ‘round..."

(She turns into a fish)

"Baby
With Jean and Joan and a who knows who
I'm getting tired-"

(She turns into a chicken)

"Of waiting-"

(She turns into Gonzo)

"And fooling" (she turns into a lizard) "around" (she turns into a goat)

"I'll find somebody-" (she turns into a robot)

"Who won't make-" (she turns into a horse)

"Me feel like" (she turns into the Koozebanian Phoob) "a clown" (she turns into a clown)

"This can't go on..." (she turns back into herself)
Yeah ... Yeah ... Yeah ...
Lord knows you got to change." (She disappears.)

BACKSTAGE: Piggy tries to prove to Kermit that she can make all of the costume changes, while Scooter reads off the fashion dialogue for the number so she can time herself. She of course has trouble making the costume changes in time and with grace, and she splits one of the outfits.

Kermit: "Uh well Piggy, I think that answers that."

Piggy: "That answers NOTHIN'!" (She exits.)

AT THE DANCE- the Moose is dancing around by himself, other couples watch

Woman: "Boy, that moose has got some style."

Man: "Of course. He's a styling moose."

(Cut to another couple, a middle-aged looking man and a young woman. A middle-aged looking woman walks up to them.)

Middle-aged woman: "So, Charles! I've finally caught you in the act! Let's see you waltz your way out of this one."

Charles: "I can't, dear... they're playing a fox trot."

(The fox trots by.)

Charles: "See?"

(Cut to Floyd and Janice. The moose dances near them.)

Janice: "Oh wow, what kind of dance is that moose doing?"

Floyd: "Hmm, maybe it's the moosed potato." (He chuckles.)

Janice: "Oh, rully! Rully!"

UK SPOT: "Kids"- Sam the Eagle

(A chorus girl stands on-stage with her brood of small children.)

Chorus Girl: "Oh, I'm on in a few minutes!" (One of her kids tugs at her clothes) "Not now, honey!"

(Sam the Eagle walks by.)

Chorus Girl: "Oh, excuse me? Sir? I hate to bother you, but would you mind looking after my kids while I go change? I won't be a minute. Thanks!"

(She dashes off.)

Sam: "But- wait! I'm- I'm not- oh, good grief!"

(The kids start misbehaving.)

Sam: "Hey! Hey, stop that! Get away from there! SIGH!"

(He sings, pausing only to yell at the kids as they tug at his feathers, chew on the curtain, play with stage equipment etc. At the end of the song, the kids jump him, tie him up, and gag him. The chorus girl returns, thanks Sam (not noticing the fact that he's tied up) and leaves, taking her kids with her. APPLAUSE. Sam struggles, with muffled yelling under his gag. He sighs heavily.)

TALK SPOT: Flip & Kermit talk about music. Flip is a country fan, Kermit finds out, and Kermit says he wished he'd known so he could've scheduled a country number for Flip. The jug-band rushes in and Flip sings "Kaw-Liga" with them.

Statler: "That Flip Wilson is terrific!"

Waldorf: "Yes, indeed. You know, I heard that he's worked with the Muppets before."

Statler: "Oh... why would he do it again?" (They shrug.)

BACKSTAGE: Piggy still thinks that she's starring in the closing number- solo.

Kermit: "Piggy, let me explain to you, once again, that this act requires more than one beautiful girl and that no one, not even you, can make all those costume changes in time without the number turning into chaos. We've already established that."

Piggy: "Oh, oh I know! That's why I've come up with an alternate solution to the problem, if you'd care to hear it."

Kermit: "I don't think that I would."

(Piggy stomps on his flipper.)

Piggy: "Now what do you think?"

Kermit: "I think that I would. I'm all ears."

Piggy: "Oh Kermie, dear silly Kermie! You don't even have ears! But that's just one of the many things I love about you."

Kermit: (sarcastic) "Wonderful."

Piggy: "(Clears throat and reads) Slow down the tempo of the closing number to 1/10th the original speed. I know, I practiced the costume changes, that's how much time I need."

Kermit: "Piggy, if we do that, the audience will fall asleep."

Piggy: "Oh! Not with THIS (she poses) on stage."

Kermit: "Uh, uh Piggy..."

Piggy: (leaning in) "Yes, my sweet?"

Kermit: "It's just that, well... you know as much I love the, uh, the sight of you on that stage, it's just that well, um, others might... I mean, nobody can really uh... (aside to camera) Anyone out there wanna sign as a witness to my Last Will and Testament?"

SONG: "Let a Smile Be Your Umbrella"- Link sings in a rainy set, but only gets through the first line before getting struck by lightning.

BACKSTAGE: the other castmates are upset that Piggy is going to do the 'Beautiful Girl' number solo; Kermit tells them that they're mistaken, and despite whatever Piggy has told them, she is not going to be the only girl in the number. Naturally, certain male Muppets (Floyd, Gonzo, Wayne) start championing their own significant others.

VET'S HOSPITAL- pig Native American Chief (the following is just an excerpt, or rather all I could come up with for the time being)

Piggy: "He's in for stitches."

Janice: "It's pretty bad, Doctor. He's had this surgery once before and it went rully terrible!"

Rowlf: "Oh, so it was a patchy (Apache) operation? Heh heh heh!"

Piggy: "Oh, brother."

Rowlf: "Wait a minute, wait a minute! What tribe does his record say he's from?"

Piggy: "It doesn't say."

Rowlf: "Oh, I hope he's not from the Sioux tribe."

Piggy: "Why?"

Rowlf: "Because I wouldn't want him to Sioux for malpractice!"

Piggy & Janice: "Ewww..."

Rowlf: "And so we come to the end!"

Announcer: "And so we come to the end of another Veterinarians' Hospital."

Rowlf: "Swell!"

Announcer: "Tune in next week, when you'll hear Dr. Bob say-"

Rowlf: "Uh-oh. Nurse, I'm afraid we're not going to have the time to perform this operation tonight."

Piggy: "Why not?"

Rowlf: "I'm all booked up, and he hasn't got a reservation!"

BACKSTAGE: Kermit has completes and distributes the list of the Beautiful Girls for the closing number. Everyone is satisfied, save for Piggy.

Kermit: "Well Piggy, I know I did what I had to do for this show, but I want you to know that you'll always be the only Beautiful Girl in my eyes."

Piggy: "Oh! Oh, KERMIE!" (She rushes off in a flutter.)

Scooter: "Gee whiz! Did you mean what you just said, Boss?"

Kermit: "No, but it keeps me safe for a while."

CLOSING NUMBER: "Beautiful Girl"- Flip sings the 1920s tune (complete with straw hat and cane) that includes a fashion show, the models of which include Janice, Annie Sue, Piggy, and even Geraldine!

Flip: (singing)
"Beautiful girl, you’re a lovely picture
Beautiful girl, you’re a gorgeous mixture
Of all that lies, under the big blue skies
My heart cries
Beautiful girl, you’re a dazzling eyeful,
Beautiful girl, I could never trifle,
If I had you, you’d be my dream come true
There may be blondes or brunettes
That are hard to resist
You surpass them like a queen
You’ve got those lips
That were meant to be kissed
And you’re over sweet sixteen, oh
Beautiful girl, what a gorgeous creature
Beautiful girl, let me call a preacher
What can I do
But give my heart to you"
(spoken) A beautiful girl is like a great work of art. She’s stylish. She’s chic
(sung) And she also is smart
(spoken) (‘Sexy Muppet’) For lounging in her boudoir, this simple plain pajama
(Wanda & Gorilla) Her cloak is trimmed with monkey fur to lend a dash of drama
(Camilla) Anyone for tennis? Well, this will make them cringe
(Miss Mousey) And you’ll knock’ em dead at dinner if your gown just drips with fringe
(Annie Sue) You simply can’t be too modest at the beach or at the pool
(Geraldine) At summer time it’s organdy, that’ll keep you fresh and cool
(Female Koozebanian) You’ll never guess what loud applause this cunning hat receives
(Mary Louise w/creatures in sleeves) And you’ll never guess the many things you could hide within these sleeves
(Mildred) A string of pearls, a suit of tweed, it started quite a riot
(Piggy & Fox) If you must wear fox to the opera, dame fashions says, dye it"

Piggy: "DIET?!"

Flip: "Dye the fabric, the fabric!
(Janice) Black is best when you are in court
(sung) The judge will be impressed
(Cow) But white is right when you’re a bride
And you want to be well dressed
Beautiful girl, for you I’ve got a passion
Beautiful girl, you’re my queen of fashion
I’m a whirl, over my beautiful girl.


CURTAIN: Kermit thanks Flip.

Flip: "Kermit, I've had a wonderful time. You know, I heard a rumor going around backstage that you had to do some mighty sweet talking to keep Miss Piggy from getting upset."

Kermit: "Yeah, well, that's true. But you know, I can handle Miss Piggy. A little idle flattery will keep her at bay, and me out of harm's way."

(Piggy rushes in.)

Piggy: "Oh Kermit! After what vous has said to moi, I've decided to cancel all my plans for the evening so that I may spend quality time avec vous."

Kermit: "What?!"

Piggy: "Why, what's the matter? There's nothing wrong with that, IS THERE?"

Kermit: "Uh, well, not exact- I mean, I, um, well I..."

Flip: "Uh, hey we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!"

Kermit: "Right!"

(Flip, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Sweetums, Mildred (in tweed suit), Bubba the jug player, Chief Pig, Chorus Girl (from UK Spot and closing #), her Baby (from UK Spot), and the Fox (in Piggy's outfit) gather around.)

Waldorf: "This show teaches a valuable lesson."

Statler: "What's that?"

Waldorf: "Don't watch it!"

(S & W laugh.)


Comments welcome as always.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

 

[JaniceFerSure]

Great job once again David.Loved the touch of Geraldine in the opening.The Flip Wilson Show was one of my favorite shows growing up;what a beautiful man Flip was,inside and out.The sketches were terrific too.Glad you're bringing back the old songs.

 

[TotallySpiesFan]

How about a second season style TMS outline with Shirley Jones?

 

[Gorgon Heap]

Links and lyrics:

Five O’Clock World

Up every mornin’ just to keep a job
I gotta fight my way through the hustling mob
Sounds of the city poundin’ in my brain
While another day goes down the drain

But it's a five o'clock world when the whistle blows
No one owns a piece of my time
And there’s a five o'clock me inside my clothes
Thinkin’ that the world looks fine, yeah

Tradin’ my time for the pay I get
Livin’ on money that I ain’t made yet
I've been goin’ tryin’ to make my way
While I live for the end of the day

‘Cuz its a five o'clock world when the whistle blows
No one owns a piece of my time
There’s a long-haired girl who waits, I know
To ease my troubled mind, yeah

In my five o'clock world she waits for me
Nothing else matters at all
Cuz every time my baby smiles at me
I know that it's all worthwhile

Evil Ways

Kids

Kids, I don't know what's wrong with these kids today
Kids, who can understand anything they say
Kids, they are disobedient, disrespectful oafs
Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy loafers
And while we're on the subject

Kids, you can talk and talk till your face turns blue
Kids, but they still do just what they want to do
Why can't they be like we were, perfect in every way?
What's the matter with kids today?

Kids... (repeat 3 times with ad-libs- I'll fill those in a bit later)

Laughing, singing, dancing, grinning morons
And while we are on the subject

Kids, they are just impossible to control
Kids, with their awful clothes and their rock and roll
Why can't they dance like we did?
What's wrong with Sammy K.?
What's the matter with kids today?

Kaw-Liga

(Partial lyrics):

Kaw-liga, was a wooden Indian standing by the door
He fell in love with an Indian maid over in the antique store
Kaw-liga just stood there and never let it show
So she could never answer "YES" or "NO".

He always wore his Sunday feathers and held a tomahawk
The maiden wore her beads and braids and hoped someday he'd talk
Kaw-liga, too stubborn to ever show a sign
Because his heart was made of knotty pine.

CHORUS
Poor ol' Kaw-liga, he never got a kiss
Poor ol' Kaw-liga, he don't know what he missed
Is it any wonder that his face is red?
Kaw-liga, that poor ol' woodenhead.

Beautiful Girl

A few notes:

-Imagine the Chief Pig as being that really wrinkle-faced, squinty-eyed, burly male pig.

-Imagine "Evil Ways" as being performed in front of a peach-colored curtain.

-Imagine "Kids" performed in front of a dark blue curtain, with low lighting (i.e. nothing is on that is supposed to be lit.)

-For the "Beautiful Girl" number, imagine the girls in windows, with curtains that open on them when their outfit is called.

TSF- I have a lot of outline ideas I'm already working on at present- Cass Elliott, Buddy Hackett, Burl Ives, Tennessee Ernie Ford, Leon Redbone, and John Ritter, and that's just for starters. Ever thought of writing fanfic yourself? It's clear you have the ideas, you've pictured them in your mind. Go for it!

My secret is to work from contrast- to make each number something completely different from the next and the prior. Like in this episode, I open with Native Americans, then cut to a natural history museum, then two guys and a sorceress, dancing couples with a dancing moose, Sam the Eagle as a reluctant babysitter, a country song with the jug-band, an old standard with a punchline, Vet's Hospital (the only tie-in to another act in the show, as VH often was), and close with a 1920s fashion show. TMS was one of the only shows that could make such contrast work. Think of "Cuenta le Gusta" followed by George Burns singing "Train Back Home", or the "Hawaiian War Chant" followed by Sylvester Stallone as an ancient Roman gladiator singing Gershwin with a lion. That's just one facet of the magic of TMS, and I've striven hard to replicate it, hopefully with success.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

 

[Beauregard]

Lovely Bo moment at the top. I loved every second of it.

 

[Xerus]

What a great Flip Wilson Muppet Show episode. It sure brings back the good old days. I especially loved Sam's segment and the classic song, KIDS!

 

[SCOOTER_101]

How about this one? A second Season episode with Henry Winkler as a Guest Star and Oscar the Grouch From Sesame Street?

 

[Princeton]

How about this one? A second Season episode with Henry Winkler as a Guest Star and Oscar the Grouch From Sesame Street?

I think GH made it very clear that he's busy with HIS OWN outlines. Please stop relying on GH to write YOUR outlines when YOU can easily do it yourself.

 

[Philip Kippel]

TSF- I have a lot of outline ideas I'm already working on at present- Cass Elliott, Buddy Hackett, Burl Ives, Tennessee Ernie Ford, Leon Redbone, and John Ritter, and that's just for starters.

What seasons will those outlines take place in?

I also have some questions about the "Evil Ways" number:

"And fooling" (she turns into a bird)

Which specific bird does show turn into? Ohboy? Whaddasay? Forcryingoutloud? Righton? Ohreally? Youknow? Who?

"-Me feel like" (she turns into a bear)

Which bear? Billy the Bear?

"a clown" (she turns into one of the Four Fazoobs)

Which specific fazoob?

(Organ Solo: during the organ solo, she turns into a dog; the Whatnots pet the dog, who then turns into an alligator and chases them. They run offstage, then back on, this time followed by a monster; they repeat this back and forth, followed by a bigger monster, then a full-body monster, then a rat, then a giant monster whose feet alone are visible)

Which specific dog? Muppy? Baskerville? Rover Joe? Afghan Hound? Who?

Which monster? Boppity? Gloat? Luncheon Counter?

Which "bigger monster"? Gorgon Heap? Beautiful Day? Behemoth?

Which full-body monster? Timmy? DogLion? Big Mama? Thog? Sweetums? One of the Mutations?

"And fooling" (she turns into a lizard)

Which lizard? Lenny?

"I'll find somebody-" (she turns into a robot)

Which specific robot?

"Who won't make-" (she turns into a horse)

Which horse? Paul Reveare? Old Skyball Paint? Who?

"a clown" (she turns into a clown)

Which clown? The one from the Joel Grey episode?

Sorry about all of the questions. I just get curious about details...and since the "Evil Ways" number sounds quite interesting.

Anyway, GH, congratulations on another great TMS outline. You would've made great writer for the show. Keep up the good work.

 

[TotallySpiesFan]

Which specific bird does show turn into? Ohboy? Whaddasay? Forcryingoutloud? Righton? Ohreally? Youknow? Who?

Forcryingoutloud Bird.

Which bear? Billy the Bear?

Billy the Bear.

Which specific fazoob?

The pink trumpet-nosed one.

Which specific dog? Muppy? Baskerville? Rover Joe? Afghan Hound? Who?

Baskerville.

Which monster? Boppity? Gloat? Luncheon Counter?

Luncheon Counter Monster.

Which "bigger monster"? Gorgon Heap? Beautiful Day? Behemoth?

Behemoth.

Which full-body monster? Timmy? DogLion? Big Mama? Thog? Sweetums? One of the Mutations?

Timmy Monster.

Which lizard? Lenny?

The one from "Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas".

Which specific robot?

A steel rabbit from the special Muppet Labs sketch of the Zero Mostel episode.

Which horse? Paul Reveare? Old Skyball Paint? Who?

Paul Reveare.

Which clown? The one from the Joel Grey episode?

An orange Whatnot clown.