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Gorgon Heap
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This outline has been sitting around for ages, and in fact it's been almost complete for a couple of months. So while I was working on another outline, I chanced upon this one and finished it off (it's not as detailed as a lot of the more recent ones though.)
If there's anyone who isn't familiar with Elliott Gould, he was the original "Trapper John" McIntyre in Robert Altman's "M*A*S*H" (which spawned the hit TV series), was an Oscar nominee for the sex comedy "Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice", was a frequent host of "Saturday Night Live" in it's early days (usually opening the show with an old-fashioned song and dance number, like "Crazy Rhythm" or "Anything Goes") and is probably known to younger folks for his recurring role as Ross & Monica's father on "Friends" and his role in the "Ocean's Eleven" remake and it's follow-up "Ocean's Twelve".
Oh, and he was the only celebrity to cameo in TWO Muppet movies: he was the beauty pageant host in "The Muppet Movie" and the cop in Pete's Diner (who overhears Kermit's "I've gotta go get a contract so I can kill 'em") in "The Muppets Take Manhattan", which led me to believe that he probably wanted to be a guest star on The Muppet Show but for whatever reason wasn't available.
Submitted for your approval:
Kermit: "It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Elliott Gould! YAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: Elliott Gould
STYLE: EARLY SEASON FIVE (circa Loretta Swit, Joan Baez)
COLD OPENING: Pops is gargling when Elliott walks in.
Pops: “Oh! Who’re you?”
Elliott: “I’m Elliott Gould. Kermit asked me to be the guest star on tonight’s Muppet Show.”
Pops: “Elliott Gould! Oh, Kermit said to give you this present. It’s a cuff Link.”
Elliott: “You mean cuff links?”
Pops: “No, just one. Hey Link!”
(Link enters and sticks his snout into Elliott’s cuff.)
Link: “Uh, let’s go, big fella.”
Elliott: “Fine. I just won't wear it to a Bar Mitzvah.”
OPENING THEME:
GONZO: Gonzo is about to blow the trumpet, when Lips enters the ‘O’, grabs Gonzo’s trumpet, and plays a riff on it, to Gonzo’s chagrin.
OPENING NUMBER: “Dancing in the Moonlight”- the Muppets have a moonlit party... in this old couple’s backyard! (Watch out for the flying cow!)
Statler: “Weird. What did they need the cow for?”
Waldorf: “Well after all, they were dancing in the MOOOOOOnlight! Heh heh heh!” (Statler makes a face.)
BACKSTAGE: Kermit is busy organizing the big closing number, “Circus of the Muppets”, but it’s riddled with problems. First off, the elephant he rented is trapped in a phone booth (so is his handler!)
SONG: “Slap That Bass”- Elliott does an old-style song and dance with the Muppets, backed by the Electric Mayhem and other musicians.
Waldorf: “Well, what did you think of Elliott?”
Statler: “Terrific!”
Waldorf: “How about that band?”
Statler: “I wish they’d zoom, zoom, zoom out of here!”
S & W: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”
BACKSTAGE: More bad news: Scooter accidentally booked both the Flying Zucchini Brothers AND the Bouncing Borcelino Brothers (instead of either or).
MUPPET NEWS: The Newsman rushes in.
Newsman: “Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Dateline: Auckland, New Zealand. Mr. Bernard Fitzgibbons of that city is trying to break the world’s record for longest rocket launch, and-”
(The rocket crashes into the desk.)
VET‘S HOSPITAL: Pops is the patient, in with a sore throat and cough
UK SPOT: “A Little Bit of Soul (Sole)” Lew Zealand sings, accompanied by Dr. Teeth (in front of red curtain)
CANTEEN: Kermit is drowning his frustration in root beer when Elliott enters. Asking what’s wrong, Kermit tells him about the difficulty in planning the closing number, but Elliott knows that if it wasn‘t worth it, Kermit wouldn‘t be doing it at all- SONG: “Accentuate the Positive”- Elliott sings to Kermit
PIGS IN SPACE: Sam the Eagle gets hoodwinked into making a guest appearance as a villain, eventually coming to realize that, no, the ridiculous costume he’s wearing is not Shakespearean garb, nor is the dialogue he is reciting from “Richard III”.
Waldorf: “That eagle will just never learn.”
Statler: “Yeah, but we can say the same for ourselves, can’t we?”
(Audience laughs, S & W do not)
SONG: “The Long and Winding Road”- a whatnot man walking down a wintry path
BACKSTAGE: Kermit and company make rushed last-minute preparations for the big closing number.
CLOSING NUMBER: “Circus of the Muppets”- Elliott is the ringmaster in a Muppet circus that includes the Zucchini Brothers, the Bouncing Borcelino Brothers, Fozzie’s clown act, Link’s lion taming act, Gonzo’s tightrope motorcycling act, Miss Piggy’s trapeze act (and unintentional ‘pig cannonball’ act once she crashes into Gonzo and falls in the cannon.)
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: "Well, time has come now to take down the tent and put this show back in it's cage. But not before we say thank you to our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Elliott Gould! YAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!"
(Elliott enters)
Elliott: "Thank you, Kermit. I've had a wonderful time, no lyin'."
(The lion enters.)
Lion: "Grrr! What is this about no lion, huh?! Do you mean that I was the only part of the show you didn't enjoy?!"
(Elliott and the lion continue arguing.)
Kermit: "Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!"
(Elliott, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Link, Lew Zealand, a Zucchini brother, a Borcelino brother, the tiger, and the lion gather around.)
Waldorf: “Well, what should we do now?”
Statler: “What do you mean?”
Waldorf: “The night is young!”
Statler: “That’s the problem- we’re not!”
Comments welcome.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
If there's anyone who isn't familiar with Elliott Gould, he was the original "Trapper John" McIntyre in Robert Altman's "M*A*S*H" (which spawned the hit TV series), was an Oscar nominee for the sex comedy "Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice", was a frequent host of "Saturday Night Live" in it's early days (usually opening the show with an old-fashioned song and dance number, like "Crazy Rhythm" or "Anything Goes") and is probably known to younger folks for his recurring role as Ross & Monica's father on "Friends" and his role in the "Ocean's Eleven" remake and it's follow-up "Ocean's Twelve".
Oh, and he was the only celebrity to cameo in TWO Muppet movies: he was the beauty pageant host in "The Muppet Movie" and the cop in Pete's Diner (who overhears Kermit's "I've gotta go get a contract so I can kill 'em") in "The Muppets Take Manhattan", which led me to believe that he probably wanted to be a guest star on The Muppet Show but for whatever reason wasn't available.
Submitted for your approval:
Kermit: "It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Elliott Gould! YAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: Elliott Gould
STYLE: EARLY SEASON FIVE (circa Loretta Swit, Joan Baez)
COLD OPENING: Pops is gargling when Elliott walks in.
Pops: “Oh! Who’re you?”
Elliott: “I’m Elliott Gould. Kermit asked me to be the guest star on tonight’s Muppet Show.”
Pops: “Elliott Gould! Oh, Kermit said to give you this present. It’s a cuff Link.”
Elliott: “You mean cuff links?”
Pops: “No, just one. Hey Link!”
(Link enters and sticks his snout into Elliott’s cuff.)
Link: “Uh, let’s go, big fella.”
Elliott: “Fine. I just won't wear it to a Bar Mitzvah.”
OPENING THEME:
GONZO: Gonzo is about to blow the trumpet, when Lips enters the ‘O’, grabs Gonzo’s trumpet, and plays a riff on it, to Gonzo’s chagrin.
OPENING NUMBER: “Dancing in the Moonlight”- the Muppets have a moonlit party... in this old couple’s backyard! (Watch out for the flying cow!)
Statler: “Weird. What did they need the cow for?”
Waldorf: “Well after all, they were dancing in the MOOOOOOnlight! Heh heh heh!” (Statler makes a face.)
BACKSTAGE: Kermit is busy organizing the big closing number, “Circus of the Muppets”, but it’s riddled with problems. First off, the elephant he rented is trapped in a phone booth (so is his handler!)
SONG: “Slap That Bass”- Elliott does an old-style song and dance with the Muppets, backed by the Electric Mayhem and other musicians.
Waldorf: “Well, what did you think of Elliott?”
Statler: “Terrific!”
Waldorf: “How about that band?”
Statler: “I wish they’d zoom, zoom, zoom out of here!”
S & W: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”
BACKSTAGE: More bad news: Scooter accidentally booked both the Flying Zucchini Brothers AND the Bouncing Borcelino Brothers (instead of either or).
MUPPET NEWS: The Newsman rushes in.
Newsman: “Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Dateline: Auckland, New Zealand. Mr. Bernard Fitzgibbons of that city is trying to break the world’s record for longest rocket launch, and-”
(The rocket crashes into the desk.)
VET‘S HOSPITAL: Pops is the patient, in with a sore throat and cough
UK SPOT: “A Little Bit of Soul (Sole)” Lew Zealand sings, accompanied by Dr. Teeth (in front of red curtain)
CANTEEN: Kermit is drowning his frustration in root beer when Elliott enters. Asking what’s wrong, Kermit tells him about the difficulty in planning the closing number, but Elliott knows that if it wasn‘t worth it, Kermit wouldn‘t be doing it at all- SONG: “Accentuate the Positive”- Elliott sings to Kermit
PIGS IN SPACE: Sam the Eagle gets hoodwinked into making a guest appearance as a villain, eventually coming to realize that, no, the ridiculous costume he’s wearing is not Shakespearean garb, nor is the dialogue he is reciting from “Richard III”.
Waldorf: “That eagle will just never learn.”
Statler: “Yeah, but we can say the same for ourselves, can’t we?”
(Audience laughs, S & W do not)
SONG: “The Long and Winding Road”- a whatnot man walking down a wintry path
BACKSTAGE: Kermit and company make rushed last-minute preparations for the big closing number.
CLOSING NUMBER: “Circus of the Muppets”- Elliott is the ringmaster in a Muppet circus that includes the Zucchini Brothers, the Bouncing Borcelino Brothers, Fozzie’s clown act, Link’s lion taming act, Gonzo’s tightrope motorcycling act, Miss Piggy’s trapeze act (and unintentional ‘pig cannonball’ act once she crashes into Gonzo and falls in the cannon.)
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: "Well, time has come now to take down the tent and put this show back in it's cage. But not before we say thank you to our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Elliott Gould! YAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!"
(Elliott enters)
Elliott: "Thank you, Kermit. I've had a wonderful time, no lyin'."
(The lion enters.)
Lion: "Grrr! What is this about no lion, huh?! Do you mean that I was the only part of the show you didn't enjoy?!"
(Elliott and the lion continue arguing.)
Kermit: "Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!"
(Elliott, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Link, Lew Zealand, a Zucchini brother, a Borcelino brother, the tiger, and the lion gather around.)
Waldorf: “Well, what should we do now?”
Statler: “What do you mean?”
Waldorf: “The night is young!”
Statler: “That’s the problem- we’re not!”
Comments welcome.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
