TMS outline - Cher! (by Gorgon Heap & kathy26)

[Gorgon Heap]

Special thanks to @kathy26 for the opening Fozzie joke and @MartyMuppets for his graciousness over our "great minds think alike" idea that found its way into TMS outlines by each of us.


SPECIAL GUEST STAR: CHER

STYLE: EARLY SEASON ONE (circa Harvey Korman, Rita Moreno)

OPENING THEME:
FOZZIE’S JOKE: “The fog was so thick this morning, even the invisible man had to ask for directions!”
CHER: in the Talk Spot set with Thog
GONZO’S GONG GAG: Gonzo swings wide, spins around, and hits the gong with his head.

OPENING NUMBER: “Five Minutes More” – Miss Kitty (same look as “All of Me”) sings while chasing Gonzo

Waldorf: “Think this’ll be a running gag?”

(Behind them, Miss Kitty chases Gonzo through their box.)

Statler: “As long as the little geek’s legs hold out!”

(They laugh as Miss Kitty chases Gonzo back the other way behind them.)

BACKSTAGE: Gonzo enters, still running from Miss Kitty, who gives chase. Meanwhile, Crazy Harry takes a long-distance call from his brother.

Kermit: “Long distance? Will it cost anything?”

Crazy Harry: “No, there's no charge for this call.”

Kermit: “Good.”

(The phone rings again. Kermit answers and it blows up.)

Crazy Harry: “Now THAT call had a charge!”

(He laughs and exits. Kermit grimaces.)

AT THE DANCE: Zoot and Janice dance in the foreground. Cut to George & Mildred.

George: “You know, I may not be a kid anymore, but I can still do anything now that I could do then.”

Mildred: “Really, George?”

George: “Yeah, now and then.”

(Cut to horned, red-eyed purple Whatnot (from the opening theme) dancing with Miss Kitty.)

Horned Whatnot: “I don’t understand it. What do you see in that Gonzo?”

Miss Kitty: “I just LOVE a prominent nose!”

Horned Whatnot: “Then why don’t we go back to my place and listen to Jimmy Durante records?”

(Cut to Gawain the Frog dancing with Whatnot girl with long, brown hair.)

Frog: “Did you ever hear about the frog who turned into a prince?”

Girl: “No, but my last blind date turned into an octopus.”

(Cut to Horned Whatnot and Miss Kitty.)

Horned Whatnot: “If you’re into big noses, then you should go on a romantic flight with me!”

Miss Kitty: “Why should I? You don’t even have a nose!”

Horned Whatnot: “No, but I’m taking the Concorde!”

(Cut to Ray the Seal dancing with the red-haired Whatnot girl, and crying.)

Girl: “What’s wrong? Didn't you enjoy the party?”

Seal: “I had a ball!”

Girl: “Then why are you so upset?”

Seal: “I lost it!”

(The ball enters.)

Ball: “Where have you been?”

Seal: “Gasp! You're back!”

(Cut to Horned Whatnot & Miss Kitty.)

Horned Whatnot: “Oh, Miss Kitty, what can I do to make you want me?”

(She reaches into her pocket, and sticks a nose on his face.)

Miss Kitty: “Now you’re my kinda guy!”

SWEDISH CHEF: The Chef tries to make clam chowder (with the clam from “Octopus’s Garden” on “The Ed Sullivan Show”). The clam clamps on his face. The Chef struggles to shake him. The clam finally releases his grip and exits, leaving behind a pearl on the Chef’s nose. The Chef decides to make “pearl onions”.

WAYNE & WANDA: “One Hand, One Heart” - in a puff of smoke, their hands pressed together turn into one giant hand, and their attempts to move it leave them slapping each other.

BACKSTAGE: Wayne & Wanda leave the stage, still slapping each other. Cher comes down the stairs and talks to Kermit. She’s looking forward to doing some Motown on the show, and Kermit has booked a backup group. The Mutations in drag burst in from the stage door and head for the stage. They’re not the Supremes, they’re the Sc-reams.

SONG: “Supremes Medley” – Cher and the Sc-reams sing “Where Did Our Love Go?”, “Come See About Me”, and “You Keep Me Hanging On”, each with lighting changes. For the last song, a cage flat lowers in front Cher, with the monsters (Boppity, Gloat, Snake Frackle, Purple & Green Heaps, and Gorgon Heap) looking her over and pawing at her from the outside.

BACKSTAGE; SONG: George has just fixed the phone.

George: “We got it hammered up there --”

(The phone rings.)

George: “-- And we got the bell.”

Floyd: “Hey, George baby! There's a song like that!”

George: “There is?!”

Floyd: “Yeah. Hit it!”

(SONG: Floyd sings “If I Had a Hammer, accompanied by Dr. Teeth on piano, Animal on drums, and Mahna Mahna on a bell while George dances along with his mop.)

UK SPOT: “Seven Little Girls” - sung by Gonzo as he chauffeurs T.R. the Rooster and 7 chickens. At the end, Miss Kitty pops up in the passenger seat and makes a pass at Gonzo. He jumps out of the car, so she puts on a chauffeur’s hat and takes over the wheel.

PANEL DISCUSSION: Kermit, Cher -- as Marilyn Monroe-esque blonde sexpot Carolyn Cantrell -- Piggy, Wayne, and the Guru discuss the topic “are gender roles obsolete?” Wayne fawns over Ms. Cantrell and tries to flirt with her, to Piggy’s annoyance.

Wayne: “It's about time we had a real woman on this show!”

Piggy: “What do you call THIS?”

(Motions to herself)

Wayne: “A blue plate special? Ha ha ha!”

Guru: “In my country, the men do all the cooking, cleaning, and child rearing.”

Cher: “What do the women do?”

Guru: “What else? Dig ditches.”

(Piggy is slighted by Wayne’s attention to Ms. Cantrell.)

Piggy: “I’m every bit the glamour girl as she is!”

Wayne: “Oh, come off it. I’d keep kosher just to have a reason NOT to touch you! Ha ha ha!”

Piggy: “Oh, yeah?! Well, TOUCH THIS! HI-YAH!”

(Piggy karate chops him.)

Statler: “That Cher really gets my motor going!”

Waldorf: “Yes, but at your age, what have you got left in the tank?”

(Statler does a double take, and grimaces.)

BACKSTAGE: the male Koozebanian is on the phone long distance to Koozebane, talking in alien gibberish. The Koozebanian on the other end blows smoke out of the phone, the male Koozebanian is too loud, and he bangs his head against the phone in excitement. Kermit yells at him to "Knock it off!", so the male Koozebanian knocks the phone off the wall with his head.

GONZO’S STUNT: to the tune of “The Blue Danube”, Gonzo saws a lady in half... with a cheese!

Statler: “A cheese?!”

Gonzo: “Sure, it’s sharp cheddar!”

(Gonzo asks for a volunteer, and finds none... then turns around to find himself face to face with Miss Kitty! She climbs into the box, Gonzo successfully saws her in half, and then both halves climb out of the box and chase him off stage.)

TALK SPOT: Kermit compliments Cher on her outfit. She thanks him, adding that she saw an even more spectacular outfit in wardrobe but it disappeared -- it was big and blue and furry -- and then Thog enters and she recognizes "the outfit", wraps his arms around her shoulders like a cape, and exits with him as he protests.

Statler: “Can you imagine wearing a Muppet?!”

Waldorf: “Would you rather WATCH the Muppets?”

Statler: “... Well, at least they’re good for something!”

(They chuckle.)

MUPPET NEWS: The Newsman enters.

Newsman: “Muppet Labs announced the invention of the world's first fully automated problem-solving machine: the Problematic. At a recent press conference demonstrating their invention, the Problematic lived up to its name by stalling out, malfunctioning, flooding its engine, catching fire and exploding.”

(An explosion goes off behind the Newsman, startling him.)

FOZZIE’S MONOLOGUE: Statler & Waldorf throw fruits and vegetables at him. He lights the stem of a tomato and throws it back.

Statler: “That's ridiculous! Tomatoes don't explode!”

(BOOM!)

Statler: “How could we have been so slow not to see that coming?

Waldorf: “The exploding tomato?”

Statler: “Mm-hmm.”

Waldorf: “Don't worry, we'll ketchup.”

SKETCH: Laverne (Cher) sits next to Piggy in a bus station (walking past Marvin Suggs and his Muppaphones on her way in).

Laverne: “You always meet such characters in a bus station!”

Piggy: “No kiddin’.”

(Laverne cracks wise at Piggy’s expense and, when she finally crosses a line, Piggy winds up for a karate chop... at the exact moment Laverne gets up.)

BACKSTAGE: George has put the phone back up once again.

Kermit: “Thank you, George.”

George: “But I’m tellin’ ya now, this is the last time --”

Kermit: “I know...”

George: “The LAAAAST TIME --”

Kermit: “-- the last time, I know.”

George: “That I’m gonna fix THIS PHONE. Hmmph!”

(George turns around and accidentally knocks the phone off the wall with his mop. He sobs.)

CLOSING NUMBER: “That Old Black Magic” – Cher and Sweetums

GOODNIGHTS: Cher, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, George, and Wanda gather in front of the curtain while Miss Kitty chases Gonzo

Waldorf: “Eh, you gotta admit, this show is full of surprises.”

(Miss Kitty pops up.)

Miss Kitty: “Surprise!”

(She kisses Waldorf, who grimaces while Statler laughs. Hearing his laughter, Miss Kitty kisses Statler, who grimaces. She mugs for the camera and laughs silently.)



Jim: Kermit, Waldorf, Swedish Chef, Newsman, Horned Whatnot
Frank: Piggy, Fozzie, George, Mildred, Male Koozebanian
Jerry: Floyd, Miss Kitty, T.R. the Rooster, Thog
Richard: Statler, Wayne, Sweetums, Gawain the Frog
Dave: Gonzo, Guru, Ray the Seal
John: Crazy Harry, Ball, Muppaphones
Eren: Hilda, Redheaded Girl, Brunette Girl, Chickens
Non-speaking parts: Dr. Teeth, Zoot, Animal, Mahna Mahna, Marvin Suggs, Clam, The Sc-Reams, Boppity, Gloat, Snake Frackle, Purple & Green Heaps, Gorgon Heap


Comments encouraged.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole