TMS outline- Cass Elliott!

[Gorgon Heap]

Or 'Mama Cass' as she's often been referred to, of The Mamas & the Papas fame. For those who don't recognize the group name, they sang such folk rock classics as "Monday, Monday", "California Dreamin'", and "I Saw Her Again Last Night". Cass went on to a solo career on the stage and variety show circuit until her untimely death in 1974 at the age of 31. Contrary to the urban legend that she died choking on a sandwich, she actually succumbed to a heart attack brought on no doubt by her excessive weight. She was 5'4" and for most of her adult life weighed in excess of 300 lbs. But moreover, she was a fine singer, well-liked by those who knew her, and IMO if she had lived longer, I think she would've been near the front of the line to be on TMS. Submitted for your approval:

"It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star Miss Cass Elliott!"



SPECIAL GUEST STAR: CASS ELLIOTT

STYLE: LATE SEASON ONE (circa Twiggy episode)

OPENING THEME:
FOZZIE: "Early to bed, and early to rise: makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise, and keeps him out of the best parties."
CASS ELLIOTT: in closing # set with Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Floyd, Animal, Dr. Teeth, Nigel, Hilda, and George
GONZO: hits the 'O' with a fish

OPENING NUMBER: "My Uncle Used to Love Me but She Died"- the Gogolala Jubilee Jug-Band (in moonlit barnyard set)

Statler: "This show reminds me of Siberia."

Waldorf: "Oh, why's that?"

Statler: "Because I have no desire to see Siberia."

S & W: "Ha ha ha ha ha!"

BACKSTAGE: Gonzo ponders aloud why he gets no respect.

Gonzo: "Lately I've been getting the feeling that no one takes me seriously around here."

Kermit: "Better lately than never."

Gonzo: "Pardon?"

Kermit: "Gonzo, your problem I think lies in understanding. Allow me to illustrate: this afternoon, Cass Elliott offered to share her lunch with us. She said to you, 'Chili, Gonzo?' And what did you say in response?"

Gonzo: "I said, 'actually it's a little warm in here'."

Kermit (aside, to camera): "The prosecution rests."

(He exits to the stage; Gonzo realizes what he said and does a double-take.)

SONG: "Dream a Little Dream of Me"- Cass does a song and dance with a tuxedo-clad Thog at a posh outdoor nightclub, backed by the Muppet orchestra (Rowlf, Floyd, Janice on acoustic guitar, Zoot, Animal, and Trumpet Lady) and flanked by the full-body dancers (from the Charles Aznavour episode)

Waldorf: "Ah, Cass Elliott sings like a dream."
Statler: "Hmm, good thing- this show plays like a nightmare!"
(S & W laugh.)

BACKSTAGE: Gonzo talks to Kermit.

Kermit: "Gonzo, whatever your aim, I think you should be aware that audiences don't get your acts."

Gonzo: "What's to get? It's culture."

Kermit: "Well the broad definition of culture usually includes art forms such as opera, ballet, and classical music."

Gonzo: Well sure, for the lowbrow set!"

THE HOUSES: (Theme music plays, camera shifts to left two houses.)

House #2: "My cousin is divided right down the middle these days."

House #1: "He's a split personality?"

House #2: "No, a duplex." (Theme music plays again, out to full shot, houses close their eyes.)

SKETCH: Cass plays a teenager babysitting a rambunctious baby monster (the purple monster, Miss Kitty in the Juliet Prowse episode)

Cass (singing): "Hush little baby, don't say a word- Did you just eat the family bird?"

The monster belches and feathers come out of his mouth. She settles him down (or rather, bewilders him) with her sassy rendition of "Do Nothin' Till You Hear From Me".

AT THE DANCE: Open on a shot of Rowlf & Sexy Muppet. Cut to George & Mildred.

Mildred: "George, do you see a future for our relationship?"

George: "I think we'll be seeing the minister before long."

Mildred: "GASP! You mean you and I will have a wedding soon?"

George: "No, our funerals."

(Cut to Statler & Waldorf)

Statler: "Ah, this is living! Not having to watch The Muppet Show, a nice quiet fox trot- what could be better?"

(Waldorf looks over Statler's shoulder)

Waldorf: "A more appealing dance partner?"

(Statler glares at the camera. Cut to a Whatnot couple.)

Woman: "What did you say your name was?"

Man: "Gladys."

Woman: "My, that's a rather odd name for a man."

Man: "That's what my wife Bill tells me."

(Cut to Rowlf & Sexy Muppet.)

Sexy Muppet: "How do you like me in this color?"

Rowlf: "It all looks the same to me."

Sexy Muppet: "Are you saying I have no fashion sense?"

Rowlf: "No, I'm saying dogs are color-blind."

Sexy Muppet: "Oh."

(Cut to Svengali and Taminella.)

Svengali: "I must confess, Tammy, you've put quite a spell on me."

Taminella: "I know, and if you're good, maybe I'll reverse it."

(They turn around, revealing that Svengali is sporting a long bushy tail. Coda, fade out.)

UK SPOT: "Lazy River"- sung by Floyd, accompanied by Dr. Teeth, Zoot and Janice ("Lazybones"/"Ain't Misbehavin" set)

TALK SPOT: Cass sits with Kermit.

Kermit: "Cass, it's a real pleasure to have you with us."

Cass: "Thank you, Kermit. I'm having a great time."

Kermit: "And I loved your number with Thog."

Cass: "I enjoyed that too, although people keep mistaking me and Thog for one another backstage." (Kermit chuckles.) "I tell 'em I'm the one with the tattoo so they'll know the difference."

Kermit: "Ha, that's very good. But how do you know he doesn't have one? I mean, who knows under all that fur." (Cass nods.)

Cass: "He's a sweetheart though, all the Muppets have been just great- Fozzie, Rowlf, Scooter, Gonzo, Dr. Teeth and the band. That reminds me, I have yet to meet Miss Piggy, I'm a big fan of hers."

Kermit: "Oh really?"

Cass: "Oh yeah. Us big girls gotta stick together."

Kermit: "Piggy would be the first to tell you that she has no idea what you're talking about."

Cass: "Who'd be the second?"

Kermit: "No one." (Cass laughs. Piggy enters.)

Piggy: "Excusez-mois, Cass."

Cass: "Hi, Miss Piggy. We were just talking about you."

Piggy: "Oh! Were you now?"

Cass: "Yes, I was saying how much I admire you."

Kermit: "Yea, and how big girls have to stick together."

Piggy: "What?"

Kermit (to Cass): "What'd I tell you?"

Cass: "Absolutely. You're quite a role model- bold and beautiful and over a size 6."

Piggy: "Well, I'm a size..." (She notices Kermit listening with anticipation.) "Uh, don't you have somewhere to be, Kermit?"

Kermit: "No, this is one of my spots."

Piggy: "Oh. Well, a woman never reveals her weight or age."

Kermit: "-Yes, especially when you're working with exponentials." (Kermit chuckles. Piggy approaches.)

Piggy: "Here's an equation for you. Three minus one. HI-YAH!" (She chops him and exits. Kermit staggers back up on the seat.)

Cass: "You know, you're actually lucky- she could've done long division." (She chuckles.)

(Waldorf is examining his hand.)

Waldorf: "That look like a mole or a freckle?"

(Statler looks. They look at each other.)

Statler: "Don't know."

(They go back to looking at Waldorf's hand.)

Statler: "I'll say this for it- it's more interesting than the show!"

S & W: "Ha ha ha ha ha!"

BACKSTAGE: Gonzo gets opinions on his performance art from Fozzie, Scooter... and Animal!

MUPPET NEWS- The Newsman rushes in.

Newsman: "Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Dateline: Chattanooga. Betsy Boomer (Cass), a poultry farmer, received a most unusual surprise yesterday morning when her pet duck, Laramore, laid a golden egg. Our Muppet cameras are on the scene and we'll speak to Miss Boomer about this astonishing development.

(Betsy- Cass- appears on the small screen.)

Betsy: "Well I woke up yesterday morning to feed the hens and ducks, same as always, and lo and behold, when I get to Laramore's pen, there it is, a solid gold egg, just sitting there!"

Newsman: "Can you describe what you were thinking at that moment?"

Betsy: "It was the weirdest feeling in the world. All this time I thought Laramore was a boy duck!"

THE GREAT GONZO: Gonzo stands at the top of a magnanimously tall ladder on the stage.

Gonzo: "Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I will perform the high-dive while playing Chopin's "Minute Waltz" on the trumpet!"

(Drumroll. Sweetums and Thog push in the water tank. Gonzo clears his throat.)

Gonzo: "Tuning up."

(Gonzo blows the starting note.)

Gonzo: "All right, silence!"

(The drumroll starts. Gonzo begins playing, then jumps. He lands in the water before even making it through the intro. Sweetums and Thog look on, agape, as Gonzo struggles up from the water, still playing, to the lip of the tank. He faints back into the water, the trumpet note descending with him. Audience boos.)

Statler: "Well, it's just as I thought- he's all washed up."

(S & W laugh.)

BACKSTAGE: Cass comforts Gonzo, breaking into song. Dissolve to:

CLOSING NUMBER: "Make Your Own Kind of Music"- Cass and the Electric Mayhem (in a set like the Mary Roos # but w/upright piano and straight-on camera angle), joined by the Muppets (Fozzie, Rowlf, Scooter, Kermit, Piggy, Hilda, and George) all sing to Gonzo (who joins in).

CURTAIN: APPLAUSE. Kermit stands.

Kermit: "Well, that about puts the lid on it for this week. We'd like to thank our special guest star Miss Cass Elliott!"

(Cass enters to applause and cheers.)

Cass: "Thank you Kermit, I had a great time! And I want you to know I enjoyed Gonzo's high-diving act."

(Gonzo rushes in with a 'whoosh' sound effect.)

Gonzo: "Really?"

Cass: "Yeah, I thought you made quite a splash!"

(Kermit guffaws. Gonzo scratches his head, confused.)

Kermit: "Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!"

(Cass, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Floyd, George & Hilda gather around.)

Statler: “Watching this show is like pulling teeth.”

(Waldorf reaches over with pliers and goes to work; Statler screams.)

Waldorf: “You’re right.”

(He chuckles softly while Statler struggles.)



Comments encouraged.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

 

[MartyMuppets]

I love Waldorf sadistically torturing poor Statler at the end. Also Gonzo hitting the O with a fish. Seems believable enough as the sort of silly Muppet-style humour they used to use on the show.
And I thought your houses joke was clever. I thought the ones in my two outlines were well- thought of. But your split personality/duplex gag really blew me away.

I'm sure if I go back over it again I'll find even more parts of it I could say I liked.

Congratulations once again Dave. This must be your second woman guest star fan fic isn't it?

Bill "Marty" Bubble Guy

 

[MartyMuppets]

Statler: “Watching this show is like pulling teeth.”

(Waldorf reaches over with pliers and goes to work; Statler screams.)

Waldorf: “You’re right.”

(He chuckles softly while Statler struggles.)

Is this supposed to imply rather darkly that Waldorf liked the show in this outline, since it is clearly obvious that he's enjoying the pain he's inflicting on Statler

BTW Dave I also loved Cass's appearances in the Muppet Newsflash and the sketch where she baby-sat that little monster.

 

[Philip Kippel]

Another great TMS outline, Dave! Three cheers for you! Good acts and the inclusion of Taminella was great too.

Who performed the following characters:

-the Jugband
-Miss Kitty
-Taminella
-Svengali

And do any other couples appear in the background in "At the Dance"?

 

[TotallySpiesFan]

Who performed the following characters:

-the Jugband
-Miss Kitty
-Taminella
-Svengali

Jugband Members:

Paul: Dave Goelz
Girl: Eren Ozker
Pink Whatnot: Jerry Nelson
Green Whatnot: Frank Oz
Blue Whatnot: Jim Henson

Miss Kitty: John Lovelady
Svengali: Jerry Nelson
Taminella: Dave Goelz

And do any other couples appear in the background in "At the Dance"?

Beautiful Day Monster with red-haired Muppet woman with pink sweater and Zelda Rose with Boppity.

 

[Philip Kippel]

Also, who performed the two whatnots in "At the Dance"?

 

[Gorgon Heap]

Who performed the following characters:

-the Jugband: Frank (green), Jim (blue), Jerry (pink), Eren (girl), gray on (Pa) doesn't speak
-Miss Kitty: Frank
-Taminella: Jerry Juhl (voice-over)
-Svengali: Jerry Nelson
-Whatnots: John

And do any other couples appear in the background in "At the Dance"?

The pigs.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

 

[Princeton]

Well, gosh, Dave, I was beginning to think you forgot about us! The whole thing was great! And, as always (to heighten my anticipation), who will your next outline feature?

 

[TotallySpiesFan]

Are you still working on outlines with Leon Redbone and John Ritter?

 

[Philip Kippel]

(Cass, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Floyd, George & Hilda gather around.)

How about adding Miss Kitty to the goodnights?

Besides, he never appeared in the goodnights in actual episodes anyway.