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Gorgon Heap
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One half of the folk-rock duo Simon & Garfunkel (with TMS season 5 guest star Paul Simon) who, at the time, was forging a new career for himself as a solo artist and film actor. Submitted for your approval:
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Art Garfunkel!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: ART GARFUNKEL
STYLE: SEASON FOUR (circa John Denver, Crystal Gayle)
COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks and sticks his head in.
Scooter: “Art Garfunkel! 30 seconds to curtain, Art!”
Art: “Thank you, Scooter.”
(Reveal a flamboyant painter with a ridiculous French accent is in Art’s dressing room.)
Painter: “Art?! ART?! Zis is not art! Zis is humanity! Oh, ze humanity! But, never fear! I shall create a masterpiece!”
Art: “Wait a minute!”
(The painter, back to the audience, paints Art.)
Painter: “Zere, all finished!”
(Reveal Art has been painted wild colors and patterns. He seethes.)
Painter: “Now zis is art!”
Art: “I still say it’s subjective.”
(He glowers at the painter, who takes bows to a non-existent audience.)
OPENING THEME:
S & W: they tie sheets together to escape
GONZO: the Swedish Chef pops up and rings a dinner bell, and they both get trampled by Whatnots, Luncheon Counter Monster, and penguins
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show! Hey, we’re really excited around here tonight, it’s not often we can promise a show that’s full of art, but we can tonight! And that’s because our guest star is the very talented and ever-popular singer, Mr. Art Garfunkel! But first, our opening number features the Electric Mayhem with our favorite girl singer.”
(Piggy enters.)
Piggy: “Oh, thank you! Kissy, kissy! Excusez moi, Kermie, but I wish you had told me about the opening number. I don’t have time to rehearse with the band. I just hope it’s a song I know and an arrangement I can follow.”
Kermit: “Uh, Piggy, I was referring to Annie Sue.”
Piggy: “Annie Sue?”
(She starts to huff.)
Piggy: “FAVORITE GIRL SINGER?!”
Kermit: “Uh, that is, ONE OF our favorite girl singers!”
(Piggy chases him off stage left and back across stage right.)
Kermit: “CURTAIN!”
(They exit. The curtain opens.)
OPENING NUMBER: “Lightning Strikes” – Annie Sue and Janice trade lead vocals, backed by the Electric Mayhem (clad in yellow raincoats) during a thunderstorm (outdoor backdrop from “Sunshine on My Shoulders”, Roger Miller’s “In the Summertime”, etc.)
Waldorf: “I guess they’re all wet.”
(He chuckles to himself.)
Statler: “We could’ve guessed that before the number started!”
(They laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: Gonzo, while preparing for his underwater escape artist act, accidentally handcuffs himself to Kermit. He tries to reassure Kermit that he knows exactly how to get them out of the handcuffs... but repeatedly fails.
CURTAIN: Kermit emerges from behind the curtain, keeping his arm back.
Kermit: “Hi ho, gang, it’s guest star time. So, let’s have a big hand --”
(He accidentally pulls Gonzo’s hand into view.)
Kermit: “That is, a blue hand –- er, a round of applause --”
(Gonzo starts jiggling Kermit’s hand from behind the curtain.)
Kermit: “-- for our very special guest star...”
(Kermit looks at his hand.)
Kermit: “Uh, just a second.”
(Kermit peeks behind the curtain.)
Kermit: “Gonzo, will you cut that out?!”
Gonzo (off-screen): “Ouch! You’re standing on my foot!”
Kermit: “Oh, look out!”
(They both fall. Gonzo pops up and emerges from behind the curtain.)
Gonzo: “Ladies and gentlemen, Art Garfunkel!”
(Kermit emerges from behind the curtain.)
Kermit: “Gonzo!”
(Kermit continues to yell at Gonzo as they exit the stage.)
SONG: “I Only Have Eyes For You” - Art sings to Wanda at a sidewalk Café at night, oblivious as Wanda tries to dodge the chaos that erupts around them (the moon falls on Wanda, flowers pop up and sing along, Quongo as an organ grinder’s monkey pesters Wanda, to which she sputters and yells at him to get away, and finally she gets swept up and carried along with a passing fleet of marathon runners.)
(A delivery man enters Statler & Waldorf’s box.)
Delivery Man: “’Scuse me, I got a delivery here for a Mr. Statler!”
Statler: “What?! There must be some mistake, I didn’t order any ice.”
Delivery Man: “No mistake, sir, it’s got your name on the slip.”
Statler: “Can’t you give it to someone else?”
Delivery Man: “Oh no, I couldn’t do that!”
Statler: “Why not?”
Delivery Man (singing): “’Cause I only have ICE...”
Delivery Man & Waldorf (singing): “For you!”
(Delivery Man & Waldorf laugh while Statler scowls. Delivery Man drops the ice on Statler’s foot.)
Statler: “Ow!”
(Waldorf continues laughing while the Delivery Man frets.)
BACKSTAGE: Kermit and Gonzo watch in disbelief.
Kermit: “What are the odds Wanda would get swept away by a fleet of joggers?”
Gonzo (looking toward the stage): “About as good as being swept away by a marching band!”
(A marching band enters, playing loudly. Wanda struggles to get out of the thick of it.)
Wanda: “Get away! Oof!”
Kermit: “Will you all cut that out?!”
Wanda: “Watch where you're stepping! Whoa!”
(She gets sucked under as the color guard follows, twirling and tossing their batons.)
Kermit: “Hey, watch out!”
Wanda: “WHOA!”
(They toss Wanda into the air.)
Kermit: “Hey, quit throwing that soprano!”
Gonzo: “Soprano throwing, why didn’t I think of that?”
Kermit: “What?”
(The color guard exits, still throwing Wanda.)
Wanda: “OH!”
Gonzo: “What a great idea for an act!”
Kermit: “Gonzo!”
Gonzo: “And just think, if Wayne were here, he’d be singing tenor – ten or twelve feet in the air! AH! Ha, ha, ha!”
Wanda (off-screen): “AH!”
(CRASH!)
Kermit: “Gonzo, where is the key for these handcuffs?”
Gonzo: “Key? Well, uh...”
Kermit: “Don’t tell me you’ve lost it.”
Gonzo: “Oh, I can honestly tell you haven’t lost it.”
Kermit: “Good!”
Gonzo: “I ate it.”
(Kermit whimpers.)
MUPPET SPORTS: “3-Legged Triathlon” – two male Whatnots swim (evading an alligator), ride two bicycles, and finally try to run, all with their inside-facing legs tied together. In the final stretch of the run, they run out of breath and collapse onto Lewis.
BACKSTAGE: Fozzie tries to break the handcuffs by hammering and sawing, but to no avail. Unless they can get Kermit out of the handcuffs, he’ll have to do the escape artist act WITH Gonzo!
Gonzo: “Think of it as a bonding experience.”
Kermit: “I’d rather bond with a salad fork.”
Gonzo: “All you have to do is hold your breath underwater.”
Kermit: “I’m an amphibian, I can BREATHE underwater!”
Gonzo: “Oh. Isn't that kind of anticlimactic?”
Kermit: “Will you get out of here?!”
(Gonzo rushes off, dragging Kermit with him.)
SKETCH: Art is a scoutmaster for Robin’s Frog Scout troop, but he does everything wrong and ends up getting chased off by a bear. The bear returns to the Frog Scouts.
Bear: “Now that he’s gone, let me show you kids the PROPER way to roast a marshmallow!”
(He puts on a scout leader’s hat and starts explaining as the audience applauds. FADE OUT.)
UK SPOT: “At the Zoo” – Floyd and Janice sing while strolling through the zoo in front of the animal cages (Sundance the Lion, Quongo the Gorilla, Butch the Tiger, One-Sentence Birds)
BEAR ON PATROL: Fozzie arrests Behemoth for murder (!), having eaten Shaky Sanchez, only he's still alive in there. When he counters with a kidnapping charge because he was taken against his will, Behemoth threatens Shaky with a block of limburger cheese, and Shaky recants. There's not even anything in their code book about eating a taxpayer, so Behemoth is free to go.
Shaky: “Oh, I don't pay taxes, I’m a member of the clergy.”
Link: “That so?”
Fozzie: “What denomination?”
Shaky: “The Church of the Holy Mackerel.”
Link (beat): “Sounds fishy.”
Shaky: “Ah, you’ve been to our services!”
(As they exit --)
Shaky: “Hey listen, can you drop me off at home?”
Behemoth: “You’ve got a family?”
Shaky: “Yeah, I’ve got a wife and kids.”
Behemoth: “... We’ll pick them up.”
Shaky: “Oh, great! Wait a minute...”
DRESSING ROOM: Piggy throws herself at ‘Arthur’ with his “golden hair and golden voice”, making him uncomfortable. She asks him to sing to her, and he gets an idea.
Art: “Why, sure Miss Piggy! In fact, I even know some songs about pigs.”
Piggy: “Oh, do you really, now?”
Art: “Sure! How about “I Wanna Hold Your HAM”? “PORK Wayfaring Stranger”? “BACON Whoopee”?”
Piggy: “Why don’t we just dance? You know, one, two, chop-chop-chop?”
Art: “You mean “cha-cha-cha”?”
Piggy: “No, chop! HI-YAH!”
BACKSTAGE: Since Kermit has an advantage in an underwater escape act, Gonzo decides to add another challenge element: sharks!
Kermit: “Terrific, with my luck, I’ll be the first frog to drown on television!”
Gonzo: “And I’ll be the first escape artist to escape his reputation!”
CURTAIN: Fozzie introduces Gonzo’s stunt.
Fozzie: “Ladies and gentlemen, despite our best efforts, the Great Gonzo will be going on with the show! Not to mention going on with our own Kermit the frog, who’s going to need lots of luck. Here, for the underwater escape act, the Great Gonzo plus one!”
GONZO’S STUNT: Gonzo and Kermit escape from a locked steamer trunk underwater. The handcuffs slip off once they get wet. The shark appears and chases them. He bites Gonzo, but sputters.
Shark: “Yuck! Did anyone ever tell you that you taste terrible?”
Gonzo: “If you mean, do they say I’m tasteless, I hear it all the time!”
(The shark goes after Kermit instead.)
CURTAIN: Robin introduces the closing number.
Robin: “Uncle Kermit’s kind of indisposed right now --”
(looks over his shoulder)
“-- hopefully not in a shark -– so I’m here to introduce our special guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, once again, Art Garfunkel!”
SONG: “Bridge Over Troubled Water” – Art sings in front of a bridge backdrop (Wayne & Wanda set), accompanied by Rowlf. Spotlights come up on Floyd and Animal as they join in playing the instrumental bridge. Piggy, Janice, Annie Sue, Wanda, Fozzie, Scooter, Lew Zealand, and Beauregard enter & provide backing vocals for the last verse.
CURTAIN: Art enters.
Art: “Thank you, Kermit. And I’m glad you survived your ordeal with Gonzo.”
(Gonzo whooshes in.)
Gonzo: “Another cultural triumph!”
Kermit: “Oh, good grief.”
Gonzo: “Yes, it’s all for the sake of art.”
Art: “Oh, you don’t have to go through any trouble on my account, Gonzo.”
(Art and Kermit share a chuckle. Gonzo looks at the audience, confuses; his eyes widen.)
Kermit: “We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”
(Art, Gonzo, Floyd, Janice, Robin, Annie Sue, and Shaky Sanchez gather around while the shark chases Kermit. As Shaky looks on, the shark notices him and starts chasing both him AND Kermit.)
Statler: “Do you think this show strives for artistic excellence?”
Waldorf: “Only when it’s over!”
(They laugh.)
Character credits:
Jim: Kermit, Waldorf, Dr. Teeth, Butch the Tiger
Frank: Piggy, Fozzie, Animal, Delivery Man, Frog Scout
Jerry: Floyd, Robin, Lewis Kazagger, Lew Zealand
Richard: Scooter, Janice, Behemoth, Bear, Shark
Dave: Gonzo, Zoot, Beauregard, Sundance the Lion, Frog Scout
Steve: Shaky Sanchez, French Painter, Quongo, Frog Scout
Louise: Annie Sue
Kathy: Wanda
Comments encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Art Garfunkel!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: ART GARFUNKEL
STYLE: SEASON FOUR (circa John Denver, Crystal Gayle)
COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks and sticks his head in.
Scooter: “Art Garfunkel! 30 seconds to curtain, Art!”
Art: “Thank you, Scooter.”
(Reveal a flamboyant painter with a ridiculous French accent is in Art’s dressing room.)
Painter: “Art?! ART?! Zis is not art! Zis is humanity! Oh, ze humanity! But, never fear! I shall create a masterpiece!”
Art: “Wait a minute!”
(The painter, back to the audience, paints Art.)
Painter: “Zere, all finished!”
(Reveal Art has been painted wild colors and patterns. He seethes.)
Painter: “Now zis is art!”
Art: “I still say it’s subjective.”
(He glowers at the painter, who takes bows to a non-existent audience.)
OPENING THEME:
S & W: they tie sheets together to escape
GONZO: the Swedish Chef pops up and rings a dinner bell, and they both get trampled by Whatnots, Luncheon Counter Monster, and penguins
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show! Hey, we’re really excited around here tonight, it’s not often we can promise a show that’s full of art, but we can tonight! And that’s because our guest star is the very talented and ever-popular singer, Mr. Art Garfunkel! But first, our opening number features the Electric Mayhem with our favorite girl singer.”
(Piggy enters.)
Piggy: “Oh, thank you! Kissy, kissy! Excusez moi, Kermie, but I wish you had told me about the opening number. I don’t have time to rehearse with the band. I just hope it’s a song I know and an arrangement I can follow.”
Kermit: “Uh, Piggy, I was referring to Annie Sue.”
Piggy: “Annie Sue?”
(She starts to huff.)
Piggy: “FAVORITE GIRL SINGER?!”
Kermit: “Uh, that is, ONE OF our favorite girl singers!”
(Piggy chases him off stage left and back across stage right.)
Kermit: “CURTAIN!”
(They exit. The curtain opens.)
OPENING NUMBER: “Lightning Strikes” – Annie Sue and Janice trade lead vocals, backed by the Electric Mayhem (clad in yellow raincoats) during a thunderstorm (outdoor backdrop from “Sunshine on My Shoulders”, Roger Miller’s “In the Summertime”, etc.)
Waldorf: “I guess they’re all wet.”
(He chuckles to himself.)
Statler: “We could’ve guessed that before the number started!”
(They laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: Gonzo, while preparing for his underwater escape artist act, accidentally handcuffs himself to Kermit. He tries to reassure Kermit that he knows exactly how to get them out of the handcuffs... but repeatedly fails.
CURTAIN: Kermit emerges from behind the curtain, keeping his arm back.
Kermit: “Hi ho, gang, it’s guest star time. So, let’s have a big hand --”
(He accidentally pulls Gonzo’s hand into view.)
Kermit: “That is, a blue hand –- er, a round of applause --”
(Gonzo starts jiggling Kermit’s hand from behind the curtain.)
Kermit: “-- for our very special guest star...”
(Kermit looks at his hand.)
Kermit: “Uh, just a second.”
(Kermit peeks behind the curtain.)
Kermit: “Gonzo, will you cut that out?!”
Gonzo (off-screen): “Ouch! You’re standing on my foot!”
Kermit: “Oh, look out!”
(They both fall. Gonzo pops up and emerges from behind the curtain.)
Gonzo: “Ladies and gentlemen, Art Garfunkel!”
(Kermit emerges from behind the curtain.)
Kermit: “Gonzo!”
(Kermit continues to yell at Gonzo as they exit the stage.)
SONG: “I Only Have Eyes For You” - Art sings to Wanda at a sidewalk Café at night, oblivious as Wanda tries to dodge the chaos that erupts around them (the moon falls on Wanda, flowers pop up and sing along, Quongo as an organ grinder’s monkey pesters Wanda, to which she sputters and yells at him to get away, and finally she gets swept up and carried along with a passing fleet of marathon runners.)
(A delivery man enters Statler & Waldorf’s box.)
Delivery Man: “’Scuse me, I got a delivery here for a Mr. Statler!”
Statler: “What?! There must be some mistake, I didn’t order any ice.”
Delivery Man: “No mistake, sir, it’s got your name on the slip.”
Statler: “Can’t you give it to someone else?”
Delivery Man: “Oh no, I couldn’t do that!”
Statler: “Why not?”
Delivery Man (singing): “’Cause I only have ICE...”
Delivery Man & Waldorf (singing): “For you!”
(Delivery Man & Waldorf laugh while Statler scowls. Delivery Man drops the ice on Statler’s foot.)
Statler: “Ow!”
(Waldorf continues laughing while the Delivery Man frets.)
BACKSTAGE: Kermit and Gonzo watch in disbelief.
Kermit: “What are the odds Wanda would get swept away by a fleet of joggers?”
Gonzo (looking toward the stage): “About as good as being swept away by a marching band!”
(A marching band enters, playing loudly. Wanda struggles to get out of the thick of it.)
Wanda: “Get away! Oof!”
Kermit: “Will you all cut that out?!”
Wanda: “Watch where you're stepping! Whoa!”
(She gets sucked under as the color guard follows, twirling and tossing their batons.)
Kermit: “Hey, watch out!”
Wanda: “WHOA!”
(They toss Wanda into the air.)
Kermit: “Hey, quit throwing that soprano!”
Gonzo: “Soprano throwing, why didn’t I think of that?”
Kermit: “What?”
(The color guard exits, still throwing Wanda.)
Wanda: “OH!”
Gonzo: “What a great idea for an act!”
Kermit: “Gonzo!”
Gonzo: “And just think, if Wayne were here, he’d be singing tenor – ten or twelve feet in the air! AH! Ha, ha, ha!”
Wanda (off-screen): “AH!”
(CRASH!)
Kermit: “Gonzo, where is the key for these handcuffs?”
Gonzo: “Key? Well, uh...”
Kermit: “Don’t tell me you’ve lost it.”
Gonzo: “Oh, I can honestly tell you haven’t lost it.”
Kermit: “Good!”
Gonzo: “I ate it.”
(Kermit whimpers.)
MUPPET SPORTS: “3-Legged Triathlon” – two male Whatnots swim (evading an alligator), ride two bicycles, and finally try to run, all with their inside-facing legs tied together. In the final stretch of the run, they run out of breath and collapse onto Lewis.
BACKSTAGE: Fozzie tries to break the handcuffs by hammering and sawing, but to no avail. Unless they can get Kermit out of the handcuffs, he’ll have to do the escape artist act WITH Gonzo!
Gonzo: “Think of it as a bonding experience.”
Kermit: “I’d rather bond with a salad fork.”
Gonzo: “All you have to do is hold your breath underwater.”
Kermit: “I’m an amphibian, I can BREATHE underwater!”
Gonzo: “Oh. Isn't that kind of anticlimactic?”
Kermit: “Will you get out of here?!”
(Gonzo rushes off, dragging Kermit with him.)
SKETCH: Art is a scoutmaster for Robin’s Frog Scout troop, but he does everything wrong and ends up getting chased off by a bear. The bear returns to the Frog Scouts.
Bear: “Now that he’s gone, let me show you kids the PROPER way to roast a marshmallow!”
(He puts on a scout leader’s hat and starts explaining as the audience applauds. FADE OUT.)
UK SPOT: “At the Zoo” – Floyd and Janice sing while strolling through the zoo in front of the animal cages (Sundance the Lion, Quongo the Gorilla, Butch the Tiger, One-Sentence Birds)
BEAR ON PATROL: Fozzie arrests Behemoth for murder (!), having eaten Shaky Sanchez, only he's still alive in there. When he counters with a kidnapping charge because he was taken against his will, Behemoth threatens Shaky with a block of limburger cheese, and Shaky recants. There's not even anything in their code book about eating a taxpayer, so Behemoth is free to go.
Shaky: “Oh, I don't pay taxes, I’m a member of the clergy.”
Link: “That so?”
Fozzie: “What denomination?”
Shaky: “The Church of the Holy Mackerel.”
Link (beat): “Sounds fishy.”
Shaky: “Ah, you’ve been to our services!”
(As they exit --)
Shaky: “Hey listen, can you drop me off at home?”
Behemoth: “You’ve got a family?”
Shaky: “Yeah, I’ve got a wife and kids.”
Behemoth: “... We’ll pick them up.”
Shaky: “Oh, great! Wait a minute...”
DRESSING ROOM: Piggy throws herself at ‘Arthur’ with his “golden hair and golden voice”, making him uncomfortable. She asks him to sing to her, and he gets an idea.
Art: “Why, sure Miss Piggy! In fact, I even know some songs about pigs.”
Piggy: “Oh, do you really, now?”
Art: “Sure! How about “I Wanna Hold Your HAM”? “PORK Wayfaring Stranger”? “BACON Whoopee”?”
Piggy: “Why don’t we just dance? You know, one, two, chop-chop-chop?”
Art: “You mean “cha-cha-cha”?”
Piggy: “No, chop! HI-YAH!”
BACKSTAGE: Since Kermit has an advantage in an underwater escape act, Gonzo decides to add another challenge element: sharks!
Kermit: “Terrific, with my luck, I’ll be the first frog to drown on television!”
Gonzo: “And I’ll be the first escape artist to escape his reputation!”
CURTAIN: Fozzie introduces Gonzo’s stunt.
Fozzie: “Ladies and gentlemen, despite our best efforts, the Great Gonzo will be going on with the show! Not to mention going on with our own Kermit the frog, who’s going to need lots of luck. Here, for the underwater escape act, the Great Gonzo plus one!”
GONZO’S STUNT: Gonzo and Kermit escape from a locked steamer trunk underwater. The handcuffs slip off once they get wet. The shark appears and chases them. He bites Gonzo, but sputters.
Shark: “Yuck! Did anyone ever tell you that you taste terrible?”
Gonzo: “If you mean, do they say I’m tasteless, I hear it all the time!”
(The shark goes after Kermit instead.)
CURTAIN: Robin introduces the closing number.
Robin: “Uncle Kermit’s kind of indisposed right now --”
(looks over his shoulder)
“-- hopefully not in a shark -– so I’m here to introduce our special guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, once again, Art Garfunkel!”
SONG: “Bridge Over Troubled Water” – Art sings in front of a bridge backdrop (Wayne & Wanda set), accompanied by Rowlf. Spotlights come up on Floyd and Animal as they join in playing the instrumental bridge. Piggy, Janice, Annie Sue, Wanda, Fozzie, Scooter, Lew Zealand, and Beauregard enter & provide backing vocals for the last verse.
CURTAIN: Art enters.
Art: “Thank you, Kermit. And I’m glad you survived your ordeal with Gonzo.”
(Gonzo whooshes in.)
Gonzo: “Another cultural triumph!”
Kermit: “Oh, good grief.”
Gonzo: “Yes, it’s all for the sake of art.”
Art: “Oh, you don’t have to go through any trouble on my account, Gonzo.”
(Art and Kermit share a chuckle. Gonzo looks at the audience, confuses; his eyes widen.)
Kermit: “We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”
(Art, Gonzo, Floyd, Janice, Robin, Annie Sue, and Shaky Sanchez gather around while the shark chases Kermit. As Shaky looks on, the shark notices him and starts chasing both him AND Kermit.)
Statler: “Do you think this show strives for artistic excellence?”
Waldorf: “Only when it’s over!”
(They laugh.)
Character credits:
Jim: Kermit, Waldorf, Dr. Teeth, Butch the Tiger
Frank: Piggy, Fozzie, Animal, Delivery Man, Frog Scout
Jerry: Floyd, Robin, Lewis Kazagger, Lew Zealand
Richard: Scooter, Janice, Behemoth, Bear, Shark
Dave: Gonzo, Zoot, Beauregard, Sundance the Lion, Frog Scout
Steve: Shaky Sanchez, French Painter, Quongo, Frog Scout
Louise: Annie Sue
Kathy: Wanda
Comments encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
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