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Sam and Friends Book(Added some jokes, and other stuff, because thanks to a comment in someone else's, I *finally* know what a UK number is! I always thought it was something to do with a British act that I for some reason didn't recall. Only after that comment did I realize it was an extra couple minutes that would not appear in an American version like I'd have watched.
So, with that in mind, here finaly is the final William Shatner one, with a bit of added stuff.
The Muppet Show with William Shatner
Piggy (entering William Shatner’s dressing room): Oh, Mr. Shatner, only two minutes till show time.
Shatner: Thanks, Miss Piggy.
Piggy: You know,…<clears throat> Knowing your superb talent, and moi’s own exceptional talents, I thought we could perform together.
Shatner: Well, maybe; I’ve got my buddies, Leonard Nimoy and DeForest Kelly coming too, as a little surprise, but I suppose…
Piggy (overacting): Oh, thank you, thank you! This is going to be so wonderful. It can be just you and me, in a romantic scene for the ages!
Shatner (a little concerned now): Yeah; sure.
(Opening theme - a photon torpedo comes out of Gonzo’s trumpet and blasts a gaping hole in the back of the wall)
(Commercial break)
(Backstage, Robin is super-excited)
Robin (holding some Spock ears - large pointed ones): Did you get him, Uncle Kermit, did you get him?
Kermit: I sure did, Robin. Happy birthday.
Robin (throwing his arms around him): Oh, thank you, Uncle Kermit, you’re the best! (Sits on desk with Spock ears as Piggy walks up to them): Now, before Leonard Nimoy comes, I just have to…oh, no!
Kermit: What’s wrong?
Robin: I can’t put these Spock ears on; frogs don’t have ears.
Kermit: Oh. Well, we’ll find something. Piggy, will you take care of this, I need to get out and introduce Mr. Shatner.
Piggy: Oh, don’t worry about that, Scooter is there to introduce him and our presentation of “2001.” I just have a little favor to ask of vou. (Sees Gonzo walking to the stage): Go on, and don’t mess up the HAL9000 thing! (Back to Kermit): Now, dear Kermee, Willy and I wish to perform the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet. It was, after all, written by a British author.
Kermit: Well…er…I don’t know…I mean…Willy?
Piggy (now more aggravated): All right, bub, let me put it another way. We’re doing the scene!
Kermit: Well, er, I…don’t think that would be a good idea.
Piggy: Why? And if you say anything about me trying to hog the stage…
Robin: Maybe Uncle Kermit’s jealous?
Piggy: Oh, Robin, thank you.
Kermit (very sarcastically): Yeah, thanks, Robin.
Piggy: But, you do not have to worry. The chances of moi wanting to run away with the fabulous James T. Kirk and appear on Star Trek are quite slim. My heart will always be with you.
Kermit: Well, Piggy…if you really want to go, why don’t you?
Piggy: Are you trying to get rid of me?
Kermit: No; look, Piggy, this could be your big break, the next Star Trek movie. If you don’t go with him you’ll regret it. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but soon. And for the rest of your life. (Nimoy walks up to them, Robin is excited) The lives of three…well…
Nimoy (in a bit of a monotone like Spock, but his normal voice for now): Sentient beings.
Kermit: Yeah, the lives of three sentient beings aren’t worth a hill of beans in this crazy world.
Nimoy (handing Robin an autographed photo, normal voice for now): I understand you are Robin Frog. I thought you would like this.
Robin: Why…thanks. But, wait; if you’re Leonard Nimoy, where are your ears?
Kermit: I’ll leave you two to discuss that; I have a show to run. (walks onto the stage): Hi, ho, Kermit the frog here. Tonight’s special guest is William Shatner, as you saw in that first sketch…
Shatner (pokes head out the curtain, in a spacesuit holding his helmet): Thanks, Kermit, Scooter introduced me. But, you gotta tell that purple guy his HAL 9000 was a little off.
Kermit: Off? How do you mean?
Shatner: For one thing, he kept hurling chickens at the crew - out of a cannon! And then when I went to disconnect HAL9000, he jumped me from behind and got me in a chokehold till I gave in and let the computer destroy me.
Kermit: Oh; sorry. He can get like that sometimes.
Shatner: I hope my second number goes better. (curtain closes)
Kermit: It will, I promise. Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to introduce William Shatner and Rowlf, in Space Oddity.
(Rowlf is in a corner of the stage playing and singing, Shatner is in a spaceship on earth.)
(Rowlf playing, as Nimoy enters, as Spock, along with DeForest Kelley, as Dr. McCoy behind Rowlf. We see Shatner doing various things as an astronaut in the ship as Rowlf sings his lines.)
Rowlf: Ground control to Major Tom. Ground control to Major Tom. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on. Ground control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engine on. Check ignition and may God’s love be with you.
(Shatner counts down from 10 to 0, the spaceship gives a burst of fuel, suddenly the ship is far above the earth w/a starry background)
Rowlf: Ground control to Major Tom, you’ve really made the grade! And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear…
Nimoy: That is not logical.
Kelley: What are you talking about?
Nimoy: The news media would be interested in how he trained and in the mission; not in his clothing.
Kelley: Well, since you insist on taking on your character, Spock, I might remind you that the song has an aesthetic value because of lines like this! He’s a famous astronaut, he’s done a great job, and now Major Tom is not only going to be surrounded by lots of reporters and fame, he’s going to have a whole lot of endorsement deals when he gets back to Earth!
Nimoy: In that case, it would be more logical to sing that the papers will cover him in depth, and that the advertisers wish to know whose shirts he wears.
Kelley: Oh, knock it off!
Rowlf: Look, if we can get on with the song this way I'll do it. (Sings.) And the papers plan to cover you in depth and the advertisers want to know whose shirts you wear. Now it’s time to leave the capsule if you dare.
(Shatner, as he floats out into space, speaks more than sings his lines - which is good because he’s a poor singer)
Shatner: This is Major Tom to Ground Control. I'm stepping through the door. And I'm floating in a most peculiar way. And the stars look very different today.
For here am I sitting in a tin can far above the world. Planet Earth is blue. And there's nothing I can…hey, wait a minute, I don’t like this defeatist attitude!
Kelley: Just do the song.
Shatner: Only for a little bit. But, James T. Kirk never loses. (He starts to work on the ship as he continues to sing) Though I'm past one hundred thousand miles, I'm feeling very still. And I think my spaceship knows which way to go.
Rowlf: What’s he doing?
Nimoy (as Shatner tinkers with the ship and, somehow, the set, we see the ship somehow return to earth): I am unsure. However, I find it unsettling that an astronaut would find floating to be peculiar. The amount of time he would spend in a weightless environment preparing…
Kelley: Spock, will you knock it off! It’s peculiar because he always figured he would return to earth, and now he can’t, that’s the whole point of the song! It wouldn’t be as powerful otherwise!
Rowlf (throws up his hands and plays as Shatner suddenly splashes down safely, clearly opposite of what Rowlf is singing): Ground Control to Major Tom; your circuit's dead, there's something wrong! Can you hear me, Major Tom? Can you…
Shatner: Here am I having splashed down safely, looking up at the moon.
Statler (singing, from the balcony): They ruined that song.
Waldorf (also singing): Oh what a buffoon.
Statler: I aalways knew William Shatner overacted, but…hey, how’d he change clothes? Suddenly he’s dressed as Captain Kirk.
Waldorf: Great, maybe he can beam us out of here!
Kelley: I can’t believe you did that. The whole power of that is the danger of space travel. The fact people risk their lives! Forget Spock’s pointy-eared logic, you ruined the song’s effect.
Waldorf: Hey, didn’t your daughter marry a McCoy?
Statler: You’re right; no wonder that Dr. McCoy’s so good at heckling Spock! He’s a direct descendant!
Announcer (as scene shifts): And now, Veternarian‘s Hospital, the continuing storrrry of a quack who‘s gone to the dogs.
(UK spot)
Koozbanians sing a song with dazzling special effects - unfortunately, some of them are phasers and more photon torpedoes that do even more damage tot he back of the set)
Wakdorf: I never thought I'd see this, but they're brining downt he house!
STatler: Good, maybe it'll be rzed by the time the show's over!
(end UK spot)
(Dr. McCoy is in the hospital scene w/Rowlf, Janice, & Piggy; Gonzo is the patient)
Announcer: And now, Veteranarian's Hospital, the continuing storrrrrrrry of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf (a little out of breath): Sorry I‘m late, I just got done with a great round of golf and had to change my scrubs.
Janice: But, Dr. Bob, this is a very delicate case, it‘s why you called in a specialist, Dr. McCoy. You should have been prepared.
Rowlf: I did; I had a pair of scrubs on, but then I got a hole in one.
Kelley: We should do better jokes than that, I‘m a doctor, not a second grader.
Piggy: He’s right; business comes first, your tee time comes later.
Rowlf: Okay. (Pulls out a cup of tea and hands it to Dr. McCoy): Here, Dr. McCoy, hold my teacup, Nurse Piggy said to think about tea time later.
Kelley: Hold your cup? I’m a doctor, not a saucer.
Rowlf (puts it down): Fine, be that way. Nurse, update Dr. McCoy on the problem.
Piggy: He was attacked by chickens when he kept firing them out of a cannon.
Rowlf: Yeah, they didn’t like it; they really bawked at it.
Janice: Dr. Bob, this is serious. We need to hold the chickens at bay while we operate.
Kelley: Hold the chickens at bay; I’m a doctor, not a chicken coop!
Rowlf: You don’t have to be. (Picks up a chicken): Here’s the culprit, and here’s a pot. (hands them to Dr. McCoy) Go make some chicken pot pie!
Kelley: There’s no chicken pot pie here, just a chicken and a pot. I’m a doctor, not 3.14159...
(That concludes Veterinarian’s Hospital.)
Kelley: Thanks for the interruption, I could have had to go on forever.
(Tune in next week when you will hear Nurse Piggy say…)
Piggy: Not that kind of pie! Look, just do the operation!
Kelley: I’m a doctor, not a…Oh, yeah, I am a doctor. (Looks at Gonzo) Purple with a hook for a nose; seems I treated an alien like you once.
Gonzo: Hey, first William Shatner hints at something that might come from a future Star Trek movie, now you hint at something that might be from a far distant Muppet movie. What’s going on here?
Rowlf: Well, this problem is common. After all, with Dr. McCoy and I you’ve got the most common problem when it comes to time travel.
Janice: What’s that, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf: A paradox! (He laughs)
(Commercial break)
[Author: Okay, some of you may not know Star Trek, but it’s likely, given his personality, that William Shatner would refuse to lose in that “Space Oddity” song. And, there is a line in Star Trek II - one of the ones that came after TMS - where Kirk speaks of the Kobayashi Maru, a simulation designed to be a no-win situation to see how a potential captain handled sure destruction. And Kirk did indeed cheat by reprogramming the computer. So, since I wanted to refer to Gonzo being an alien in a little side joke, I figured I‘d put the other in for my little “time travel type“ bit. In the real Muppet Show from this era, Shatner would do this but the skit would end referring to the fact the 23rd century people appeared &would not have the future movies bit.)
(Backstage)
Piggy: Are you ready, dear?
Shatner: Huh? Oh, for a minute there I was too in character. I almost feel…like I’ve become James Kirk.
Robin: I don’t understand. Nice ears, by the way, Mr. Nimoy.
Nimoy (feeling his ears): Curious. I seem to have become Spock, and yet I know I am Leonard Nimoy, too. As to what the captain said about something that hasn’t happened, perhaps this incident has caused us to suddenly know things about our characters that others might not be privy to.
Piggy: Look, I don’t care about that. Are we going on or not?
Shatner: Well, yes…I guess.
Piggy (To Kermit): Then I must say farewell, my love. For I am off to the stars. And when you see them at night, you can know, that I am where I truly belong. Thank you, Kermit, for giving me my freedom to go with the great James T. Kirk!
Kermit (unsure of what to say): Yeah, Piggy. Whatever.
(Piggy is in a fancy dress on a balcony, Shatner - as Kirk now - is on the ground. Both ham it up like crazy for a moment)
Shatner: Hark! What light!…through yon window breaks! (sound of window breaking) Tis the east and Juliet…oh, Juliet…is…the sun! (Flails his arm wildly) Ow, I think I just separated my shoulder. (Back to Juliet) Arise, fair sun! And…
Piggy (interrupting): Oh Romeo! (Twirls around once saying the name, bounces off the balcony) Romeooooooo! (This time, bends so overdramatically over the balcony she falls over, to be caught by Shater) Wherefore are thou…Romeo?!
Shatner: Ahhhh…Juliet…what’s…in a name? A…a rose…a simple rose! By any…any other name! Would…smell…as sweet!
Piggy: Oh, let us end this charade, and take me home with you, James Kirk! For I am madly in love with the greatest captain who has ever lived!
(From the balcony)
Waldorf: That pig’s ruining Shakespeare.
Statler: Well, this proves there’s no way Bacon would have written Shakespeare, then.
(Back on stage)
Shatner: What? (Puts her down): No…I cannot! For I must leave with…my ship!
Piggy: Oh, but what about us?
Shatner: Piggy…you wouldn’t be happy…your place is here. If you don’t go with Kermit, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today…and maybe not tomorrow…but soon! And for the rest of your life!
Piggy: Oh, but Jimmy…Jimmy Kirk. We could have something so special together! (More snidely): You sure don’t mind what other aliens you go out with.
Kirk: Frankly, Piggy…I don’t give a darn! (He starts to walk away)
Piggy: Oh, yeah. Well, maybe you’ll care about this. Hi-yaaa! (Karate chops him) He thinks he can toy with my emotions. I’d like to have seen Scarlett O’Hara do that!
(Muppet labs scene is next)
Bunsen: Hello, this is Dr. Bunsen Honeydew at Muppet Labs. My assistant Beaker and I have perfected something for Star Trek fans everywhere. Thanks to Muppet Labs’ special creation, we can now take an ordinary billiard ball and grow on this flat, smooth surface, perfect Spock ears. Show the audience, Beaker.
Beaker (holds up a cue ball with large, pointed ears on it like Mr. Spock’s): Mee mee
Bunsen: Thank you, Beaker. As you see, we took this plain, smooth billiard ball, and managed to grow perfect Spock ears. Now Star Trek fans all over, with this secret chemical…
(As Bunsen points to the chemical, a series of Anything Muppets come in with pool cues and holding a bunch of billiard balls, all with pointy ears)
Anything Muppet: There they are!
AM 2: They ruined our billiard tournament!
AM3: We can’t play billiards with balls that have these unsightly ears all over them1
(The Anything Muppets go around smashing things and spilling everything with the pool cues. The chemical is splashed onto Bunsen and Beaker as they are knocked down in the melee. When they arise, they have Spock ears covering their bodies!)
Beaker (as the AM’s leave, looks in mirror): Mee mee…mee! Mwoo! Mwaa!
Bunsen: Oh dear, we seem to have ears sprouting everywhere. Well…I guess it’s back to the drawing board…but first we need to come up with something that removes ears, I suppose…
(Backstage)
Robin: Uncle Kermit, they didn’t try to do that just because I didn’t have real ears, did they?
Kermit: No, Robin, don’t worry, it wasn’t your fault. They had that planned before you even knew; it was totally on their own. (To himself): Which is actually more worrisome.
Robin: Good. Good luck in the final number, Uncle Kermit. By the way, how did Leonard Nimoy suddenly turn into Spock?
Kermit: I think some interspatial flux caused a massive distortion in the time space continuum when pulsating ions accidentally came in contact with sub-elemental dilithium.
Robin: Or, maybe a bunch of Trekkies like me just wished real hard.
Kermit: Or that, yeah.
Kermit (goes out to stage): Thank you, we hope you've enjoyed the show For our final number, we'd like to present something done as a special request by our guest, because of...ah...well, you'll see.
(Closing scene: Kermit’s voice as a ship passes by: Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise…)
(Scene is the bridge of the Swinetrek, the Enterprise is in front of them)
Kermit: This is an unusual ending you’ve requested.
Shatner: Well, I felt it was necessary to get us home. Piggy, open hailing frequencies
(Piggy presses a button, a large set of hailstones is sent toward the Enterprise)
Shatner: Uh, never mind. Does this thing have transportation facilities?
Fozzie: No, but it has bathroom facilities.
Nimoy: Perhaps we should ask them to beam aboard here.
(A large board, three feet by five feet, materializes on board the Swinetrek.)
Kelley: Well, are you happy Spock? All those times you took things literally and it came back to bite you.
Animal (running up to him): Star Trek! Star Trek! Aaaah!!!! (He jumps up at Spock)
(We see Kelley and Nimoy now in the same shot, with Animal having hold of Nimoy’s arm with his mouth)
Kelley (seeing Animal): Forget I said anything.
(The title “The” appears on the screen on the bottom)
Scotty’s face appears on the view screen
Mr. Scott (in thick Scottish accent): Cap’n, what’s goin’ on here? I see all kinds of animals around ye. What is this?
Link Hogthrob (looking at the title): It appears to be “The.”
Scott: The what?
Scooter (pointing, all can see the title now): No, not “The What,” just “The.” See?
Shatner: Just “The,” that’s it?
Nimoy: Actually, “It” was the title of a rather bad science fiction movie on Earth in the 20th century.
Scott: Well, ye still haven’t told me what this is.
Scooter: This is “The,” Sir.
Scott: “The Sir”?
Scooter: No, Sir, not “The Sir,” just “The,” Sir.
Scott: I think the universal translator’s not workin’.
Dr. Strangepork: I think that’s the title. This might be something interesting to explore.
Nimoy: I would consult my science station if I could get this thing off my arm.
Animal ( releases Nimoy, now looks at the word “The” On the screen): Ahhh, explore! Arrrggghhh!!! (Animal dives into the word “The”, it breaks and vanishes, but Animal disappears.)
Shatner: We’re in a place where animals and such can talk; and apparently we’ve merged with actors who play us in a TV show. You should come and check it out.
Scott: It sounds intriguing, but I can’t defy the laws of physics.
Kermit: Why not? Animal just did.
(Animal comes back carrying a dirty diaper)
Fozzie: Someone must have been changing a child’s diaper when he went through the screen. Trash cans are over there. We’re actually better equipped than the Enterprise.
Scott (with weird look on his face): Aye. I think we all need a vacation. Anyway, we seem to have fixed the transporter glitch.
Shatner: Yes, Scotty, you mentioned something about some interspatial flux caused a massive distortion in the time space continuum just before this happened.
Soctty: Well, Sir, it was either that, or a buncha people wishin’ real hard. We’re ready to beam ya out.
Shatner: Thanks, Scotty.
Nimoy: Before we go, there’s a young frog who asked about bathrooms. I didn’t get the chance to explain where they were and how we managed when on planets for a long while. (He leaves.)
Scott: A frog askin’ about ye? This is one weird place ye visited, Sir. Are ye sure you’re all right? (Sees Bunsen and Beaker walk onto the ship)
Bunsen: Thank you, Doctor, for finding a way to cure us - my assistant and I had Spock ears all over our bodies before you discovered a way to get them off while keeping our real ones.
Scott: On second thought - maybe I better make sure I’m all right after hearin’ weird stuff like that.
Shatner (as Nimoy comes back): Don’t worry, we’ll explain it sometime. Three to beam out.
Closing, guests enter w/Kermit already there; Robin is on Nimoy‘s shoulder)
Kermit: Well, that’s about all the time we have for tonight.
Shatner: Hey, Kermit, thanks. It was fun. Even if our characters did somehow get transported into our bodies for a while.
Robin: Yeah, and thanks for coming along, Mr. Nimoy. It was the best birthday present ever.
Kermit: Yes, and thankfully, Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy were able to come up with a way to get those ears off our scientist.
Shatner: Right; thankfully Leonard and DeForest are back to normal. And, now I don’t have to worry about Kirk taking anyone like Miss Piggy back…
(Statler and Waldorf rush in)
Statler: Captain Kirk, please, beam us up with you!
Waldorf: We’ll do anything; we’ll even be red-shirted ensigns and face almost certain death on away missions!
Statler: Yeah, as long as we don’t have to stay and watch this show!
Shatner: Sorry, guys, that temporal displacement or whatever is fixed now.
Waldorf: You mean we’re stuck here?!
DeForest: Hey, it could be worse. You could have had to appear in the episode Spock’s Brain.
Waldorf: Oh, the horror!
Statler! Yes, yes, you’re right, here is much better!
Kermit: Well, thanks, Mr. Shatner, and all the others, for making this a much better episode than that; and tune in next week for the Muppet Show!
(Closing)
------------------
Thanks for understanding & encouraging me; sorry I only remember the main characters (and I couldn't even find good places for Scooter or Fozzie, though in the closing they worked nice). I had a little time to do this off the top of my head, and finished it, with the help of a couple Star Trek parodies I’d done in the past. Now that it’s up, I can retire for a while. So long and God Bless.
So, with that in mind, here finaly is the final William Shatner one, with a bit of added stuff.
The Muppet Show with William Shatner
Piggy (entering William Shatner’s dressing room): Oh, Mr. Shatner, only two minutes till show time.
Shatner: Thanks, Miss Piggy.
Piggy: You know,…<clears throat> Knowing your superb talent, and moi’s own exceptional talents, I thought we could perform together.
Shatner: Well, maybe; I’ve got my buddies, Leonard Nimoy and DeForest Kelly coming too, as a little surprise, but I suppose…
Piggy (overacting): Oh, thank you, thank you! This is going to be so wonderful. It can be just you and me, in a romantic scene for the ages!
Shatner (a little concerned now): Yeah; sure.
(Opening theme - a photon torpedo comes out of Gonzo’s trumpet and blasts a gaping hole in the back of the wall)
(Commercial break)
(Backstage, Robin is super-excited)
Robin (holding some Spock ears - large pointed ones): Did you get him, Uncle Kermit, did you get him?
Kermit: I sure did, Robin. Happy birthday.
Robin (throwing his arms around him): Oh, thank you, Uncle Kermit, you’re the best! (Sits on desk with Spock ears as Piggy walks up to them): Now, before Leonard Nimoy comes, I just have to…oh, no!
Kermit: What’s wrong?
Robin: I can’t put these Spock ears on; frogs don’t have ears.
Kermit: Oh. Well, we’ll find something. Piggy, will you take care of this, I need to get out and introduce Mr. Shatner.
Piggy: Oh, don’t worry about that, Scooter is there to introduce him and our presentation of “2001.” I just have a little favor to ask of vou. (Sees Gonzo walking to the stage): Go on, and don’t mess up the HAL9000 thing! (Back to Kermit): Now, dear Kermee, Willy and I wish to perform the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet. It was, after all, written by a British author.
Kermit: Well…er…I don’t know…I mean…Willy?
Piggy (now more aggravated): All right, bub, let me put it another way. We’re doing the scene!
Kermit: Well, er, I…don’t think that would be a good idea.
Piggy: Why? And if you say anything about me trying to hog the stage…
Robin: Maybe Uncle Kermit’s jealous?
Piggy: Oh, Robin, thank you.
Kermit (very sarcastically): Yeah, thanks, Robin.
Piggy: But, you do not have to worry. The chances of moi wanting to run away with the fabulous James T. Kirk and appear on Star Trek are quite slim. My heart will always be with you.
Kermit: Well, Piggy…if you really want to go, why don’t you?
Piggy: Are you trying to get rid of me?
Kermit: No; look, Piggy, this could be your big break, the next Star Trek movie. If you don’t go with him you’ll regret it. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but soon. And for the rest of your life. (Nimoy walks up to them, Robin is excited) The lives of three…well…
Nimoy (in a bit of a monotone like Spock, but his normal voice for now): Sentient beings.
Kermit: Yeah, the lives of three sentient beings aren’t worth a hill of beans in this crazy world.
Nimoy (handing Robin an autographed photo, normal voice for now): I understand you are Robin Frog. I thought you would like this.
Robin: Why…thanks. But, wait; if you’re Leonard Nimoy, where are your ears?
Kermit: I’ll leave you two to discuss that; I have a show to run. (walks onto the stage): Hi, ho, Kermit the frog here. Tonight’s special guest is William Shatner, as you saw in that first sketch…
Shatner (pokes head out the curtain, in a spacesuit holding his helmet): Thanks, Kermit, Scooter introduced me. But, you gotta tell that purple guy his HAL 9000 was a little off.
Kermit: Off? How do you mean?
Shatner: For one thing, he kept hurling chickens at the crew - out of a cannon! And then when I went to disconnect HAL9000, he jumped me from behind and got me in a chokehold till I gave in and let the computer destroy me.
Kermit: Oh; sorry. He can get like that sometimes.
Shatner: I hope my second number goes better. (curtain closes)
Kermit: It will, I promise. Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to introduce William Shatner and Rowlf, in Space Oddity.
(Rowlf is in a corner of the stage playing and singing, Shatner is in a spaceship on earth.)
(Rowlf playing, as Nimoy enters, as Spock, along with DeForest Kelley, as Dr. McCoy behind Rowlf. We see Shatner doing various things as an astronaut in the ship as Rowlf sings his lines.)
Rowlf: Ground control to Major Tom. Ground control to Major Tom. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on. Ground control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engine on. Check ignition and may God’s love be with you.
(Shatner counts down from 10 to 0, the spaceship gives a burst of fuel, suddenly the ship is far above the earth w/a starry background)
Rowlf: Ground control to Major Tom, you’ve really made the grade! And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear…
Nimoy: That is not logical.
Kelley: What are you talking about?
Nimoy: The news media would be interested in how he trained and in the mission; not in his clothing.
Kelley: Well, since you insist on taking on your character, Spock, I might remind you that the song has an aesthetic value because of lines like this! He’s a famous astronaut, he’s done a great job, and now Major Tom is not only going to be surrounded by lots of reporters and fame, he’s going to have a whole lot of endorsement deals when he gets back to Earth!
Nimoy: In that case, it would be more logical to sing that the papers will cover him in depth, and that the advertisers wish to know whose shirts he wears.
Kelley: Oh, knock it off!
Rowlf: Look, if we can get on with the song this way I'll do it. (Sings.) And the papers plan to cover you in depth and the advertisers want to know whose shirts you wear. Now it’s time to leave the capsule if you dare.
(Shatner, as he floats out into space, speaks more than sings his lines - which is good because he’s a poor singer)
Shatner: This is Major Tom to Ground Control. I'm stepping through the door. And I'm floating in a most peculiar way. And the stars look very different today.
For here am I sitting in a tin can far above the world. Planet Earth is blue. And there's nothing I can…hey, wait a minute, I don’t like this defeatist attitude!
Kelley: Just do the song.
Shatner: Only for a little bit. But, James T. Kirk never loses. (He starts to work on the ship as he continues to sing) Though I'm past one hundred thousand miles, I'm feeling very still. And I think my spaceship knows which way to go.
Rowlf: What’s he doing?
Nimoy (as Shatner tinkers with the ship and, somehow, the set, we see the ship somehow return to earth): I am unsure. However, I find it unsettling that an astronaut would find floating to be peculiar. The amount of time he would spend in a weightless environment preparing…
Kelley: Spock, will you knock it off! It’s peculiar because he always figured he would return to earth, and now he can’t, that’s the whole point of the song! It wouldn’t be as powerful otherwise!
Rowlf (throws up his hands and plays as Shatner suddenly splashes down safely, clearly opposite of what Rowlf is singing): Ground Control to Major Tom; your circuit's dead, there's something wrong! Can you hear me, Major Tom? Can you…
Shatner: Here am I having splashed down safely, looking up at the moon.
Statler (singing, from the balcony): They ruined that song.
Waldorf (also singing): Oh what a buffoon.
Statler: I aalways knew William Shatner overacted, but…hey, how’d he change clothes? Suddenly he’s dressed as Captain Kirk.
Waldorf: Great, maybe he can beam us out of here!
Kelley: I can’t believe you did that. The whole power of that is the danger of space travel. The fact people risk their lives! Forget Spock’s pointy-eared logic, you ruined the song’s effect.
Waldorf: Hey, didn’t your daughter marry a McCoy?
Statler: You’re right; no wonder that Dr. McCoy’s so good at heckling Spock! He’s a direct descendant!
Announcer (as scene shifts): And now, Veternarian‘s Hospital, the continuing storrrry of a quack who‘s gone to the dogs.
(UK spot)
Koozbanians sing a song with dazzling special effects - unfortunately, some of them are phasers and more photon torpedoes that do even more damage tot he back of the set)
Wakdorf: I never thought I'd see this, but they're brining downt he house!
STatler: Good, maybe it'll be rzed by the time the show's over!
(end UK spot)
(Dr. McCoy is in the hospital scene w/Rowlf, Janice, & Piggy; Gonzo is the patient)
Announcer: And now, Veteranarian's Hospital, the continuing storrrrrrrry of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf (a little out of breath): Sorry I‘m late, I just got done with a great round of golf and had to change my scrubs.
Janice: But, Dr. Bob, this is a very delicate case, it‘s why you called in a specialist, Dr. McCoy. You should have been prepared.
Rowlf: I did; I had a pair of scrubs on, but then I got a hole in one.
Kelley: We should do better jokes than that, I‘m a doctor, not a second grader.
Piggy: He’s right; business comes first, your tee time comes later.
Rowlf: Okay. (Pulls out a cup of tea and hands it to Dr. McCoy): Here, Dr. McCoy, hold my teacup, Nurse Piggy said to think about tea time later.
Kelley: Hold your cup? I’m a doctor, not a saucer.
Rowlf (puts it down): Fine, be that way. Nurse, update Dr. McCoy on the problem.
Piggy: He was attacked by chickens when he kept firing them out of a cannon.
Rowlf: Yeah, they didn’t like it; they really bawked at it.
Janice: Dr. Bob, this is serious. We need to hold the chickens at bay while we operate.
Kelley: Hold the chickens at bay; I’m a doctor, not a chicken coop!
Rowlf: You don’t have to be. (Picks up a chicken): Here’s the culprit, and here’s a pot. (hands them to Dr. McCoy) Go make some chicken pot pie!
Kelley: There’s no chicken pot pie here, just a chicken and a pot. I’m a doctor, not 3.14159...
(That concludes Veterinarian’s Hospital.)
Kelley: Thanks for the interruption, I could have had to go on forever.
(Tune in next week when you will hear Nurse Piggy say…)
Piggy: Not that kind of pie! Look, just do the operation!
Kelley: I’m a doctor, not a…Oh, yeah, I am a doctor. (Looks at Gonzo) Purple with a hook for a nose; seems I treated an alien like you once.
Gonzo: Hey, first William Shatner hints at something that might come from a future Star Trek movie, now you hint at something that might be from a far distant Muppet movie. What’s going on here?
Rowlf: Well, this problem is common. After all, with Dr. McCoy and I you’ve got the most common problem when it comes to time travel.
Janice: What’s that, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf: A paradox! (He laughs)
(Commercial break)
[Author: Okay, some of you may not know Star Trek, but it’s likely, given his personality, that William Shatner would refuse to lose in that “Space Oddity” song. And, there is a line in Star Trek II - one of the ones that came after TMS - where Kirk speaks of the Kobayashi Maru, a simulation designed to be a no-win situation to see how a potential captain handled sure destruction. And Kirk did indeed cheat by reprogramming the computer. So, since I wanted to refer to Gonzo being an alien in a little side joke, I figured I‘d put the other in for my little “time travel type“ bit. In the real Muppet Show from this era, Shatner would do this but the skit would end referring to the fact the 23rd century people appeared &would not have the future movies bit.)
(Backstage)
Piggy: Are you ready, dear?
Shatner: Huh? Oh, for a minute there I was too in character. I almost feel…like I’ve become James Kirk.
Robin: I don’t understand. Nice ears, by the way, Mr. Nimoy.
Nimoy (feeling his ears): Curious. I seem to have become Spock, and yet I know I am Leonard Nimoy, too. As to what the captain said about something that hasn’t happened, perhaps this incident has caused us to suddenly know things about our characters that others might not be privy to.
Piggy: Look, I don’t care about that. Are we going on or not?
Shatner: Well, yes…I guess.
Piggy (To Kermit): Then I must say farewell, my love. For I am off to the stars. And when you see them at night, you can know, that I am where I truly belong. Thank you, Kermit, for giving me my freedom to go with the great James T. Kirk!
Kermit (unsure of what to say): Yeah, Piggy. Whatever.
(Piggy is in a fancy dress on a balcony, Shatner - as Kirk now - is on the ground. Both ham it up like crazy for a moment)
Shatner: Hark! What light!…through yon window breaks! (sound of window breaking) Tis the east and Juliet…oh, Juliet…is…the sun! (Flails his arm wildly) Ow, I think I just separated my shoulder. (Back to Juliet) Arise, fair sun! And…
Piggy (interrupting): Oh Romeo! (Twirls around once saying the name, bounces off the balcony) Romeooooooo! (This time, bends so overdramatically over the balcony she falls over, to be caught by Shater) Wherefore are thou…Romeo?!
Shatner: Ahhhh…Juliet…what’s…in a name? A…a rose…a simple rose! By any…any other name! Would…smell…as sweet!
Piggy: Oh, let us end this charade, and take me home with you, James Kirk! For I am madly in love with the greatest captain who has ever lived!
(From the balcony)
Waldorf: That pig’s ruining Shakespeare.
Statler: Well, this proves there’s no way Bacon would have written Shakespeare, then.
(Back on stage)
Shatner: What? (Puts her down): No…I cannot! For I must leave with…my ship!
Piggy: Oh, but what about us?
Shatner: Piggy…you wouldn’t be happy…your place is here. If you don’t go with Kermit, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today…and maybe not tomorrow…but soon! And for the rest of your life!
Piggy: Oh, but Jimmy…Jimmy Kirk. We could have something so special together! (More snidely): You sure don’t mind what other aliens you go out with.
Kirk: Frankly, Piggy…I don’t give a darn! (He starts to walk away)
Piggy: Oh, yeah. Well, maybe you’ll care about this. Hi-yaaa! (Karate chops him) He thinks he can toy with my emotions. I’d like to have seen Scarlett O’Hara do that!
(Muppet labs scene is next)
Bunsen: Hello, this is Dr. Bunsen Honeydew at Muppet Labs. My assistant Beaker and I have perfected something for Star Trek fans everywhere. Thanks to Muppet Labs’ special creation, we can now take an ordinary billiard ball and grow on this flat, smooth surface, perfect Spock ears. Show the audience, Beaker.
Beaker (holds up a cue ball with large, pointed ears on it like Mr. Spock’s): Mee mee
Bunsen: Thank you, Beaker. As you see, we took this plain, smooth billiard ball, and managed to grow perfect Spock ears. Now Star Trek fans all over, with this secret chemical…
(As Bunsen points to the chemical, a series of Anything Muppets come in with pool cues and holding a bunch of billiard balls, all with pointy ears)
Anything Muppet: There they are!
AM 2: They ruined our billiard tournament!
AM3: We can’t play billiards with balls that have these unsightly ears all over them1
(The Anything Muppets go around smashing things and spilling everything with the pool cues. The chemical is splashed onto Bunsen and Beaker as they are knocked down in the melee. When they arise, they have Spock ears covering their bodies!)
Beaker (as the AM’s leave, looks in mirror): Mee mee…mee! Mwoo! Mwaa!
Bunsen: Oh dear, we seem to have ears sprouting everywhere. Well…I guess it’s back to the drawing board…but first we need to come up with something that removes ears, I suppose…
(Backstage)
Robin: Uncle Kermit, they didn’t try to do that just because I didn’t have real ears, did they?
Kermit: No, Robin, don’t worry, it wasn’t your fault. They had that planned before you even knew; it was totally on their own. (To himself): Which is actually more worrisome.
Robin: Good. Good luck in the final number, Uncle Kermit. By the way, how did Leonard Nimoy suddenly turn into Spock?
Kermit: I think some interspatial flux caused a massive distortion in the time space continuum when pulsating ions accidentally came in contact with sub-elemental dilithium.
Robin: Or, maybe a bunch of Trekkies like me just wished real hard.
Kermit: Or that, yeah.
Kermit (goes out to stage): Thank you, we hope you've enjoyed the show For our final number, we'd like to present something done as a special request by our guest, because of...ah...well, you'll see.
(Closing scene: Kermit’s voice as a ship passes by: Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise…)
(Scene is the bridge of the Swinetrek, the Enterprise is in front of them)
Kermit: This is an unusual ending you’ve requested.
Shatner: Well, I felt it was necessary to get us home. Piggy, open hailing frequencies
(Piggy presses a button, a large set of hailstones is sent toward the Enterprise)
Shatner: Uh, never mind. Does this thing have transportation facilities?
Fozzie: No, but it has bathroom facilities.
Nimoy: Perhaps we should ask them to beam aboard here.
(A large board, three feet by five feet, materializes on board the Swinetrek.)
Kelley: Well, are you happy Spock? All those times you took things literally and it came back to bite you.
Animal (running up to him): Star Trek! Star Trek! Aaaah!!!! (He jumps up at Spock)
(We see Kelley and Nimoy now in the same shot, with Animal having hold of Nimoy’s arm with his mouth)
Kelley (seeing Animal): Forget I said anything.
(The title “The” appears on the screen on the bottom)
Scotty’s face appears on the view screen
Mr. Scott (in thick Scottish accent): Cap’n, what’s goin’ on here? I see all kinds of animals around ye. What is this?
Link Hogthrob (looking at the title): It appears to be “The.”
Scott: The what?
Scooter (pointing, all can see the title now): No, not “The What,” just “The.” See?
Shatner: Just “The,” that’s it?
Nimoy: Actually, “It” was the title of a rather bad science fiction movie on Earth in the 20th century.
Scott: Well, ye still haven’t told me what this is.
Scooter: This is “The,” Sir.
Scott: “The Sir”?
Scooter: No, Sir, not “The Sir,” just “The,” Sir.
Scott: I think the universal translator’s not workin’.
Dr. Strangepork: I think that’s the title. This might be something interesting to explore.
Nimoy: I would consult my science station if I could get this thing off my arm.
Animal ( releases Nimoy, now looks at the word “The” On the screen): Ahhh, explore! Arrrggghhh!!! (Animal dives into the word “The”, it breaks and vanishes, but Animal disappears.)
Shatner: We’re in a place where animals and such can talk; and apparently we’ve merged with actors who play us in a TV show. You should come and check it out.
Scott: It sounds intriguing, but I can’t defy the laws of physics.
Kermit: Why not? Animal just did.
(Animal comes back carrying a dirty diaper)
Fozzie: Someone must have been changing a child’s diaper when he went through the screen. Trash cans are over there. We’re actually better equipped than the Enterprise.
Scott (with weird look on his face): Aye. I think we all need a vacation. Anyway, we seem to have fixed the transporter glitch.
Shatner: Yes, Scotty, you mentioned something about some interspatial flux caused a massive distortion in the time space continuum just before this happened.
Soctty: Well, Sir, it was either that, or a buncha people wishin’ real hard. We’re ready to beam ya out.
Shatner: Thanks, Scotty.
Nimoy: Before we go, there’s a young frog who asked about bathrooms. I didn’t get the chance to explain where they were and how we managed when on planets for a long while. (He leaves.)
Scott: A frog askin’ about ye? This is one weird place ye visited, Sir. Are ye sure you’re all right? (Sees Bunsen and Beaker walk onto the ship)
Bunsen: Thank you, Doctor, for finding a way to cure us - my assistant and I had Spock ears all over our bodies before you discovered a way to get them off while keeping our real ones.
Scott: On second thought - maybe I better make sure I’m all right after hearin’ weird stuff like that.
Shatner (as Nimoy comes back): Don’t worry, we’ll explain it sometime. Three to beam out.
Closing, guests enter w/Kermit already there; Robin is on Nimoy‘s shoulder)
Kermit: Well, that’s about all the time we have for tonight.
Shatner: Hey, Kermit, thanks. It was fun. Even if our characters did somehow get transported into our bodies for a while.
Robin: Yeah, and thanks for coming along, Mr. Nimoy. It was the best birthday present ever.
Kermit: Yes, and thankfully, Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy were able to come up with a way to get those ears off our scientist.
Shatner: Right; thankfully Leonard and DeForest are back to normal. And, now I don’t have to worry about Kirk taking anyone like Miss Piggy back…
(Statler and Waldorf rush in)
Statler: Captain Kirk, please, beam us up with you!
Waldorf: We’ll do anything; we’ll even be red-shirted ensigns and face almost certain death on away missions!
Statler: Yeah, as long as we don’t have to stay and watch this show!
Shatner: Sorry, guys, that temporal displacement or whatever is fixed now.
Waldorf: You mean we’re stuck here?!
DeForest: Hey, it could be worse. You could have had to appear in the episode Spock’s Brain.
Waldorf: Oh, the horror!
Statler! Yes, yes, you’re right, here is much better!
Kermit: Well, thanks, Mr. Shatner, and all the others, for making this a much better episode than that; and tune in next week for the Muppet Show!
(Closing)
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Thanks for understanding & encouraging me; sorry I only remember the main characters (and I couldn't even find good places for Scooter or Fozzie, though in the closing they worked nice). I had a little time to do this off the top of my head, and finished it, with the help of a couple Star Trek parodies I’d done in the past. Now that it’s up, I can retire for a while. So long and God Bless.