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(cue upbeat synth-techno disco music)
ANNOUNCER (Jerry Nelson): It's time once again, once again, for the Family Foooooooooooooooooooooood! Let's meet today's families-- the Hungry family from Worcester, Massachusetts and the Thirsty family from West Palm Beach, Florida! On your marks! And here's the host of the New Family Food, Soooooeyyyyyy Hamdersonnnnnnnnnnn!
(audience applauds, Guy Smiley comes out)
GUY (Steve Whitmire): Thank you! Thank you! This is Guy Smiley, America's favorite game show host, welcoming you to-- AAAAUGH! What are you doing? (security guards appear and kick Guy out of the studio)
ANNOUNCER: Now, where's Sooey? (Sooey, who is Spamela Hamderson's big brother, comes out, and in a very angry "I-don't-care" mood, much like Louie Anderson was during his final season on the real Family Feud)
SOOEY (Victor Yerrid): Oh, please. I JUST WANT TO GO HOME! (applause dies down quickly) I WANT MY MOMMY! Oh, well. Let's play the Food. John, Amber, GET OVER TO THE PODIUM!
(music cue plays, board flips up)
SOOEY: Yeah, yeah, you know the drill, surveyed 100 food lovers and the top five answers are on this board. Name something a herbivore eats. (buzz-in sound from "The Triangle is Right" is heard, and the lights chase on John's side of the podium) John?
JOHN (Kevin Clash): Uh... lettuce. We'll say lettuce.
HUNGRY FAMILY: Good answer! Good answer!
SOOEY: Show me lettuce, for mercy! (bell clangs) Number-two answer, so Amber, can you give me the number one answer?
AMBER (Cheryl Blaylock): Oh, thank you Sooey! You are so wonderful, and I just love those jokes of yours. Will you go out with me sometime?
SOOEY: Yes, I would. (yells) NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION! I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY!
AMBER: An apple!
THIRSTY FAMILY: Good answer!
SOOEY: Show me that red, rounded, juicy fruit! (bell clangs and sirens go off) It's the number one answer! Now are you going to play or pass?
AMBER: You know, you should come see my children sometime. They just love that new cartoon of yours, "Life with Sooey".
SOOEY: (yells even louder) I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR FAMILY LIFE NOW! ARE YOU GOING TO PLAY OR PASS? ANSWER THE QUESTION!
AMBER: We'll pass.
SOOEY: THANK YOU! Now, John, introduce me to the rest of your family.
JOHN: Why, thank you, Sooey. I have my wife, Carol...
CAROL (Fran Brill): (gasps) I can't believe I'm meeting Sooey Hamderson!
JOHN: ...my son, Billy...
BILLY (Joey Mazzarino): Hi! (giggles)
JOHN: ...my eldest daughter, Lizzy...
LIZZY (Julianne Buescher): Hello.
JOHN: ...and our youngest daughter, Stephanie!
STEPHANIE (Leslie Carrara): Oh, boy! I can't believe I'm meeting Sooey just like my mommy!
SOOEY: Carol, name a food that herbivores eat!
CAROL: Aren't you going to kiss me first?
SOOEY: Yeah, whatever. (kisses Carol) JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!
CAROL: We'll say bananas!
SOOEY: Show me the monkey food! (bell clangs, it's in position four) All right, Billy, what's your guess?
BILLY: I think herbivores eat oranges.
SOOEY: Survey says... (bell clangs, in position three) Great job. Now, Lizzy, can you name a food herbivores eat?
LIZZY: I think herbivores eat apple pie! (audience laughs uncontrollaby)
SOOEY: (stares at Lizzy then yells...) YOU ARE SO STUPID! NOW THE AUDIENCE THINKS YOU'RE AN IDIOT!
LIZZY: (cries, and the buzzer sounds)
SOOEY: Now, Stephanie, give me a food that HERBIVORES EAT!
STEPHANIE: My mommy says that if you eat a pear, it'll be good for you--
SOOEY: (interrupts) Show me a pear! (bell clangs, bells sound and fanfare music plays) All right, the Hungry family has won one question and it takes two to win, so, Carol, and Jeff, GET OVER TO THE PODIUM NOW! I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY!
(music cue plays, board flips up)
SOOEY: Now we've got the top four answers on the board. Name a topping you eat on pizza. (ring-in sound from Jeff) Jeff?
JEFF (Michael Earl): I loves eatin' them anchovies! Yee-haw!
SOOEY: I don't. But, show me anchovies! (bell clangs) Number four answer, so Carol, name a food you put on pizza.
CAROL: I fix onions for my kids--
SOOEY: Good, Carol. SHOW ME ONIONS! (bell clangs) Number three answer, so do you want to play or pass?
CAROL: We'll pass.
SOOEY: You're going to pass? But everyone loves to eat-- oh, all right. Amber, introduce me to your family.
AMBER: Ooh, thanks, Sooey! This is my husband Jeff, who loves redneck comedy...
JEFF: Yee-haw!
AMBER: ...my eldest son, Ben...
BEN (Eric Jacobson): Hi, Sooey! I think your sister's adorable!
AMBER: ...my youngest son, Jake...
JAKE (David Rudman): Hello, Sooey!
AMBER: ...and my daughter, Laura!
LAURA (Pam Arciero): You're so adorable, Sooey!
SOOEY: Thank you. Now, Ben, name a food you put on pizza.
BEN: Pepperoni is my favorite!
SOOEY: Show me pepperoni! (bell clangs and sirens go off, for it's the number-one answer) That's the number-one answer! Good job, Ben. Now let's go over to Jake. Jake, what do you put on pizza?
JAKE: Uh... what's pizza?
SOOEY: (gets even more angry than usual) YOU DON'T EAT PIZZA? I'M GOING TO-- (studio exec is heard clearing throat) ...uh, show you what pizza looks like. NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION!
JAKE: Uh... (buzzer is heard)
SOOEY: Too long. Now, Laura, name a food you put on pizza.
LAURA: Well, I love to eat mushrooms on my pizza. And mushrooms are good for you.
SOOEY: MUSHROOMS! (bell clangs and fanfare plays) It's now a tie, so Bill and Ben, come to the podium for the tie-breaker! We only want the top answer, so if you guess right, you'll win and go on to the bonus round for $10,000. NOW PAY ATTENTION! Name something you put in milk to change its flavor. (buzz-in sound) Ben, for the game.
BEN: Chocolate syrup! (giggles) I love... syrup!
SOOEY: Show me syrup! (bell clangs and fanfare is heard, and the family screams and jumps for joy) I need two people for the bonus round. Who's going to play? (Jeff and Amber raise hands) OK, Jeff, I'm going to give you 15 seconds to come up with answers to these five questions. Then, I'll bring your smitten-with-me wife Amber out, and I'll give her 20 seconds to come up with different answers to these same five questions. Score 200 points or more--
JEFF: And we win a new car! Yee-haw! Yay!
SOOEY: (now really outraged) NO! YOU DON'T WIN A CAR, YOU ONLY WIN $10,000! WEREN'T YOU PAYING ATTENTION, YOU STUPID LITTLE-- (gets ready to beat the contestant up, then the exec clears his throat angrily to Sooey)
EXEC (Mak Wilson): If you threaten these contestants again, Sooey, I... (voice changes to Eric Jacobson) WILL FIRE YOU! (voice changes back to Mak) Don't worry, Jeff. Sooey's just in a very bad mood because he lost the Emmy for best game show host to Guy Smiley.
SOOEY: And I would've gotten that Emmy, too, if it weren't for that... oh, never mind. Let's just play the game. 15 seconds on the clock please! (bell sounds) Here's the first question-- name a food that is red.
JEFF: Apple!
SOOEY: Name a food that's green.
JEFF: Cucumber!
SOOEY: Name a food or drink that's pink.
JEFF: Strawberry milk!
SOOEY: Name a food or drink that's blue.
JEFF: Blueberry pie!
SOOEY: Name a food that's brown.
JEFF: Chocolate! (bell dings)
SOOEY: Now, let's see how you did, and you'd better not get my $10,000... I asked you to name a food that's red, and you said... (twinkle sound) ...an apple. Survey says... (bell dings) 37! I asked you to name a food that's green, and you said... (twinkle sound) ...a cucumber. Survey! (bell dings) 23! I then said name a food or drink that's pink, and you said... (twinkle sound) ...strawberry milk. How much is that? (bell dings) 45... that's a lot. You're up to 105 points now, and you need 95 for $10,000.
JEFF: $10,000? I can get more redneck albums with that!
SOOEY: (******) Whatever. For the blue food or drink, you said... (twinkle sound) ...blueberry pie. That's worth... (bell dings) 33. Good job so far, (to himself) but you're not getting my money.
JEFF: What was that?
SOOEY: Oh, nothing. Now, I said name a food that's brown, and you said... (twinkle sound) ...chocolate. You need 62 points to get my money. Survey says... (bell dings) 61! You have 199 points, one point away from the money that I will not give you.
JEFF: (whimpers like a baby)
SOOEY: Now, let's bring Amber out! Amber, guess what?
AMBER: Oh, no, we only got one point! Now, we'll never be closer to the money. (cries)
SOOEY: You didn't SCORE one point. You NEED one point, he got you 199 points--
AMBER: (cheers and screams) Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Thank you, Jeff! I'm so happy... whooooooooooooo!
SOOEY: Did you put too much sugar in your coffee this morning? Anyway, here's 20 seconds. (bell dings) Now, you better pay attention to these questions! Name a food that's red.
AMBER: You know, Sooey, I still love all that stand-up you do for us at 123 Sesame Street. My kids' new friends, Big Bird, Elmo, Bert, Ernie, Abby, and Cookie Monster love your stand-up, too. I really wish I could spend a night on Sesame Street with you and the kids--
SOOEY: DO YOU WANT A NAME A FOOD THAT'S RED OR NOT? YOU'VE ONLY GOT 4 SECONDS LEFT!
AMBER: --so that I can show you all over the Street! What do you say, my little sweetie-- (buzzer sounds)
SOOEY: (mockingly) Aw, that's too bad. You didn't get the $10,000 because you just want (angrily) TO TALK ABOUT GOING ON A DATE WITH ME, AND I DON'T CARE!
AMBER: We didn't get the money? Don't worry, I can fix that!
SOOEY: W-W-What are you doing? You can't fix my board to change from 199 to 200! That's cheating! You are not going to-- (Amber changes the "199" to a "200", and bells and sirens go off, and the family jumps for joy because they won $10K)
AMBER: Can I please have my $10,000 now. Thank you, Sooey! (kisses him) You're so cute.
SOOEY: (jumps up and down in anger) I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY TOOK MY $10,000! I WANT TO MAKE SURE I KILL-- (upon hearing the word "kill," Sooey's boss comes out and tells Sooey)
EXEC: (with Eric Jacobson's voice) YOU'RE FIRED!
SOOEY: What? I can't be fired! I'm the host of this show! Now give me my job-- (continues ranting and raving at the boss when the title card appears and the music plays)
ANNOUNCER: Join us again next time for the New Family Food, with our new host, Sonny Friendly! See you next time from WCTW, but now, stay tuned for School in the Afternoon!
ANNOUNCER (Jerry Nelson): It's time once again, once again, for the Family Foooooooooooooooooooooood! Let's meet today's families-- the Hungry family from Worcester, Massachusetts and the Thirsty family from West Palm Beach, Florida! On your marks! And here's the host of the New Family Food, Soooooeyyyyyy Hamdersonnnnnnnnnnn!
(audience applauds, Guy Smiley comes out)
GUY (Steve Whitmire): Thank you! Thank you! This is Guy Smiley, America's favorite game show host, welcoming you to-- AAAAUGH! What are you doing? (security guards appear and kick Guy out of the studio)
ANNOUNCER: Now, where's Sooey? (Sooey, who is Spamela Hamderson's big brother, comes out, and in a very angry "I-don't-care" mood, much like Louie Anderson was during his final season on the real Family Feud)
SOOEY (Victor Yerrid): Oh, please. I JUST WANT TO GO HOME! (applause dies down quickly) I WANT MY MOMMY! Oh, well. Let's play the Food. John, Amber, GET OVER TO THE PODIUM!
(music cue plays, board flips up)
SOOEY: Yeah, yeah, you know the drill, surveyed 100 food lovers and the top five answers are on this board. Name something a herbivore eats. (buzz-in sound from "The Triangle is Right" is heard, and the lights chase on John's side of the podium) John?
JOHN (Kevin Clash): Uh... lettuce. We'll say lettuce.
HUNGRY FAMILY: Good answer! Good answer!
SOOEY: Show me lettuce, for mercy! (bell clangs) Number-two answer, so Amber, can you give me the number one answer?
AMBER (Cheryl Blaylock): Oh, thank you Sooey! You are so wonderful, and I just love those jokes of yours. Will you go out with me sometime?
SOOEY: Yes, I would. (yells) NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION! I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY!
AMBER: An apple!
THIRSTY FAMILY: Good answer!
SOOEY: Show me that red, rounded, juicy fruit! (bell clangs and sirens go off) It's the number one answer! Now are you going to play or pass?
AMBER: You know, you should come see my children sometime. They just love that new cartoon of yours, "Life with Sooey".
SOOEY: (yells even louder) I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR FAMILY LIFE NOW! ARE YOU GOING TO PLAY OR PASS? ANSWER THE QUESTION!
AMBER: We'll pass.
SOOEY: THANK YOU! Now, John, introduce me to the rest of your family.
JOHN: Why, thank you, Sooey. I have my wife, Carol...
CAROL (Fran Brill): (gasps) I can't believe I'm meeting Sooey Hamderson!
JOHN: ...my son, Billy...
BILLY (Joey Mazzarino): Hi! (giggles)
JOHN: ...my eldest daughter, Lizzy...
LIZZY (Julianne Buescher): Hello.
JOHN: ...and our youngest daughter, Stephanie!
STEPHANIE (Leslie Carrara): Oh, boy! I can't believe I'm meeting Sooey just like my mommy!
SOOEY: Carol, name a food that herbivores eat!
CAROL: Aren't you going to kiss me first?
SOOEY: Yeah, whatever. (kisses Carol) JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!
CAROL: We'll say bananas!
SOOEY: Show me the monkey food! (bell clangs, it's in position four) All right, Billy, what's your guess?
BILLY: I think herbivores eat oranges.
SOOEY: Survey says... (bell clangs, in position three) Great job. Now, Lizzy, can you name a food herbivores eat?
LIZZY: I think herbivores eat apple pie! (audience laughs uncontrollaby)
SOOEY: (stares at Lizzy then yells...) YOU ARE SO STUPID! NOW THE AUDIENCE THINKS YOU'RE AN IDIOT!
LIZZY: (cries, and the buzzer sounds)
SOOEY: Now, Stephanie, give me a food that HERBIVORES EAT!
STEPHANIE: My mommy says that if you eat a pear, it'll be good for you--
SOOEY: (interrupts) Show me a pear! (bell clangs, bells sound and fanfare music plays) All right, the Hungry family has won one question and it takes two to win, so, Carol, and Jeff, GET OVER TO THE PODIUM NOW! I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY!
(music cue plays, board flips up)
SOOEY: Now we've got the top four answers on the board. Name a topping you eat on pizza. (ring-in sound from Jeff) Jeff?
JEFF (Michael Earl): I loves eatin' them anchovies! Yee-haw!
SOOEY: I don't. But, show me anchovies! (bell clangs) Number four answer, so Carol, name a food you put on pizza.
CAROL: I fix onions for my kids--
SOOEY: Good, Carol. SHOW ME ONIONS! (bell clangs) Number three answer, so do you want to play or pass?
CAROL: We'll pass.
SOOEY: You're going to pass? But everyone loves to eat-- oh, all right. Amber, introduce me to your family.
AMBER: Ooh, thanks, Sooey! This is my husband Jeff, who loves redneck comedy...
JEFF: Yee-haw!
AMBER: ...my eldest son, Ben...
BEN (Eric Jacobson): Hi, Sooey! I think your sister's adorable!
AMBER: ...my youngest son, Jake...
JAKE (David Rudman): Hello, Sooey!
AMBER: ...and my daughter, Laura!
LAURA (Pam Arciero): You're so adorable, Sooey!
SOOEY: Thank you. Now, Ben, name a food you put on pizza.
BEN: Pepperoni is my favorite!
SOOEY: Show me pepperoni! (bell clangs and sirens go off, for it's the number-one answer) That's the number-one answer! Good job, Ben. Now let's go over to Jake. Jake, what do you put on pizza?
JAKE: Uh... what's pizza?
SOOEY: (gets even more angry than usual) YOU DON'T EAT PIZZA? I'M GOING TO-- (studio exec is heard clearing throat) ...uh, show you what pizza looks like. NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION!
JAKE: Uh... (buzzer is heard)
SOOEY: Too long. Now, Laura, name a food you put on pizza.
LAURA: Well, I love to eat mushrooms on my pizza. And mushrooms are good for you.
SOOEY: MUSHROOMS! (bell clangs and fanfare plays) It's now a tie, so Bill and Ben, come to the podium for the tie-breaker! We only want the top answer, so if you guess right, you'll win and go on to the bonus round for $10,000. NOW PAY ATTENTION! Name something you put in milk to change its flavor. (buzz-in sound) Ben, for the game.
BEN: Chocolate syrup! (giggles) I love... syrup!
SOOEY: Show me syrup! (bell clangs and fanfare is heard, and the family screams and jumps for joy) I need two people for the bonus round. Who's going to play? (Jeff and Amber raise hands) OK, Jeff, I'm going to give you 15 seconds to come up with answers to these five questions. Then, I'll bring your smitten-with-me wife Amber out, and I'll give her 20 seconds to come up with different answers to these same five questions. Score 200 points or more--
JEFF: And we win a new car! Yee-haw! Yay!
SOOEY: (now really outraged) NO! YOU DON'T WIN A CAR, YOU ONLY WIN $10,000! WEREN'T YOU PAYING ATTENTION, YOU STUPID LITTLE-- (gets ready to beat the contestant up, then the exec clears his throat angrily to Sooey)
EXEC (Mak Wilson): If you threaten these contestants again, Sooey, I... (voice changes to Eric Jacobson) WILL FIRE YOU! (voice changes back to Mak) Don't worry, Jeff. Sooey's just in a very bad mood because he lost the Emmy for best game show host to Guy Smiley.
SOOEY: And I would've gotten that Emmy, too, if it weren't for that... oh, never mind. Let's just play the game. 15 seconds on the clock please! (bell sounds) Here's the first question-- name a food that is red.
JEFF: Apple!
SOOEY: Name a food that's green.
JEFF: Cucumber!
SOOEY: Name a food or drink that's pink.
JEFF: Strawberry milk!
SOOEY: Name a food or drink that's blue.
JEFF: Blueberry pie!
SOOEY: Name a food that's brown.
JEFF: Chocolate! (bell dings)
SOOEY: Now, let's see how you did, and you'd better not get my $10,000... I asked you to name a food that's red, and you said... (twinkle sound) ...an apple. Survey says... (bell dings) 37! I asked you to name a food that's green, and you said... (twinkle sound) ...a cucumber. Survey! (bell dings) 23! I then said name a food or drink that's pink, and you said... (twinkle sound) ...strawberry milk. How much is that? (bell dings) 45... that's a lot. You're up to 105 points now, and you need 95 for $10,000.
JEFF: $10,000? I can get more redneck albums with that!
SOOEY: (******) Whatever. For the blue food or drink, you said... (twinkle sound) ...blueberry pie. That's worth... (bell dings) 33. Good job so far, (to himself) but you're not getting my money.
JEFF: What was that?
SOOEY: Oh, nothing. Now, I said name a food that's brown, and you said... (twinkle sound) ...chocolate. You need 62 points to get my money. Survey says... (bell dings) 61! You have 199 points, one point away from the money that I will not give you.
JEFF: (whimpers like a baby)
SOOEY: Now, let's bring Amber out! Amber, guess what?
AMBER: Oh, no, we only got one point! Now, we'll never be closer to the money. (cries)
SOOEY: You didn't SCORE one point. You NEED one point, he got you 199 points--
AMBER: (cheers and screams) Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Thank you, Jeff! I'm so happy... whooooooooooooo!
SOOEY: Did you put too much sugar in your coffee this morning? Anyway, here's 20 seconds. (bell dings) Now, you better pay attention to these questions! Name a food that's red.
AMBER: You know, Sooey, I still love all that stand-up you do for us at 123 Sesame Street. My kids' new friends, Big Bird, Elmo, Bert, Ernie, Abby, and Cookie Monster love your stand-up, too. I really wish I could spend a night on Sesame Street with you and the kids--
SOOEY: DO YOU WANT A NAME A FOOD THAT'S RED OR NOT? YOU'VE ONLY GOT 4 SECONDS LEFT!
AMBER: --so that I can show you all over the Street! What do you say, my little sweetie-- (buzzer sounds)
SOOEY: (mockingly) Aw, that's too bad. You didn't get the $10,000 because you just want (angrily) TO TALK ABOUT GOING ON A DATE WITH ME, AND I DON'T CARE!
AMBER: We didn't get the money? Don't worry, I can fix that!
SOOEY: W-W-What are you doing? You can't fix my board to change from 199 to 200! That's cheating! You are not going to-- (Amber changes the "199" to a "200", and bells and sirens go off, and the family jumps for joy because they won $10K)
AMBER: Can I please have my $10,000 now. Thank you, Sooey! (kisses him) You're so cute.
SOOEY: (jumps up and down in anger) I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY TOOK MY $10,000! I WANT TO MAKE SURE I KILL-- (upon hearing the word "kill," Sooey's boss comes out and tells Sooey)
EXEC: (with Eric Jacobson's voice) YOU'RE FIRED!
SOOEY: What? I can't be fired! I'm the host of this show! Now give me my job-- (continues ranting and raving at the boss when the title card appears and the music plays)
ANNOUNCER: Join us again next time for the New Family Food, with our new host, Sonny Friendly! See you next time from WCTW, but now, stay tuned for School in the Afternoon!
