The Muppets After The Muppets - episode 6: Thog Off!

[minor muppetz]

Enjoy this new episode of "The Muppets After The Muppets".

Previous episodes:

• 1. Lunch Meeting - http://www.muppetcentral.com/forum/...er-the-muppets-episode-1-lunch-meeting.49834/
• 2. Gonzo's Pain Birth Problem - http://www.muppetcentral.com/forum/...ts-episode-2-gonzos-pain-birth-problem.49872/
• 3. Trio on Tour - http://www.muppetcentral.com/forum/...ter-the-muppets-episode-3-trio-on-tour.49880/
• 4. Frognapped Kermit - http://www.muppetcentral.com/forum/...he-muppets-episode-4-frognapped-kermit.49897/
• 5. Guess What's Coming to Dinner - http://www.muppetcentral.com/forum/...episode-5-guess-whats-coming-to-dinner.49909/

And now on with the show!

Act 1

The Muppets were all in the hallway of the network, nervously waiting for their meeting with the network censors.

“You’ve really done it this time, Thog”, said Kermit.

“But this was the first time I did such a thing”, said Thog, “and it was just an accident.”

“I know”, said Kermit.

“Maybe the censors will start putting in decent material”, said Sam.

“Muppets, you can all enter now”, said the secretary.

“Thank you”, said Kermit.

The Muppets went into the office.

“Well, well, well”, said the head censor, “If it isn’t the mucking fuppets.”

“Very funny”, said Kermit.

“I would have expected this kind of language from South Park or Family Guy, but not from any of you”, said the head censor.

“And I’m sorry”, said Thog, leading to his flashback, “I was riding a unicycle, and I fell off, and then I said the word…”

“The big one!”, said Sweetums.

“The f dash dash dash word, okay”, said Pepe.

“Yeah, we all know what you said”, said the head censor.

“I had just heard that word before going on”, said Thog, “I didn’t realize it was such a bad word.”

“Where did you hear that word?”, asked Miss Piggy.

Thog looked very nervous, but then blurted out, “Schwartz!”

“Oh, I see”, said the head censor, getting her cell phone, “Hello, Mrs. Schwartz?”

“Good gried”, said Pepe, while the head censor was on the phone, “they’re repeating a gag from A Christmas Story, okay”.

“Quiet down”, said Sweetums, “it’s one of my favorite scenes.”

“Do you know where Thog heard the word?”, asked the head censor.

“Probably from his father”, said Mrs. Schwartz.

“No”, said the head censor, “he heard it from your son.”

“WHAAAT???”, shouted Mrs. Schwartz, and then beating was heard over the phone.

The head censor hung up.

“Well, you have a choice”, said the head censor, “Either you all pay a fine of $335,000 dollars…”

“We don’t have that kind of money”, said Kermit.

“We would if we had more merchandise tie-ins, okay”, said Pepe.

“Then you accept the other choice”, said the head censor, “Fire Thog.”

“Fire him?”, said Kermit, “But…”

“It’s okay, Kermit”, said Thog, “it’s not like I was on the show often, anyway.”

Thog walked out of the room.

“Well, it looks like he voluntarily quit”, said the head censor, “which means you didn’t fire him, so you owe $335,000 dollars.”

“What?”, said Kermit.

“But if you can’t afford it”, said the head censor, “I’ll give you another choice.”

“What’s that?”, asked Kermit.

“Pay a fine of $400,000 dollars.”

“But… But that’s more”, said Kermit.

“I was just kidding”, said the censor, “the real option is to let us censors step in and control the show.”

The other censors mumbled in agreement.

“Well, uh….”, said Kermit, letting out a reluctant “...deal.”

 

[minor muppetz]

Act 2

Thog was walking around the Muppet Studios backlot, saying goodbye to all the rides.

“Goodbye, Pigs in Space ride”, said Thog, “Goodbye, water fountain.”

“You don’t have to do this”, said Sweetums, “since you resigned and therefore can’t be fired, the censors are taking over.”

“Yeah”, said Timmy, “why don’t you stay?”

“Well, I think I will”, said Thog.

Thog went into Muppet Studios.

“Kermit, I want to stay!”, said Thog.

“Well, I didn’t officially fire you”, said Kermit, “So, uh, okay.”

“Not so fast”, said the head censor, “you’ve been getting all kinds of complaints. Thog’s accident has been all over the news. And we’re in charge now, so Thog, you’re fired!”

“But I’m not on the show much, when I am I don’t get much dialogue anyway”, said Thog.

“Well, I don’t want to take any more chances”, said the head censor.

Mildred came in.

“We’ve gotten 600 more complaints”, said Mildred, “You need to hire more secretaries to keep count of the phone calls and the mail.”

“Well, I did hire The Count”, said Kermit, “but he wouldn’t stop counting the rings.”

A mailman came in, carrying a few mailbags, before dropping them on the floor.

“I think I have three thousand more to bring back”, said the mailman.

“I can’t believe how the public has been over-reacting”, said Rizzo.

“I know what you mean”, said Rowlf, “I hope there’s still some trees left.”

“From now on”, said the head censor, “I will need to see all scripts by Wednesdays. You Muppets must stick to the scripts, no ad libs allowed at all. I will speak with the director.”

In the control room…

“Why must you tell me how to do my job?”, said a panicky Nigel, “I do not want to be told what I can and can’t direct!”

“Do you want to continue getting paychecks?”, said the censor.

Nigel switched to calm, “I think I can live with the changes.”

Bunsen and Beaker came in.

“Miss Head Censor lady”, said Bunsen, “you no longer have to worry about censorship! Me and Beaker have perfected a censoring machine!”

“Mee mee mee”, said Beaker.

“This machine will detect whenever somebody is about to say a bad word”, said Bunsen, “and it’s sound will block out the word. Try it, Beaker!”

Beaker meeped by the machine bleeped it out.

“See? You couldn’t hear Beaker”, said Bunsen, “I’ve programmed it to bleep out every word you can’t say on television, not just the seven.”

“Let me try it”, said the head censor, who read a list of objectable words, only for all to be censored.

“That makes my job much easier”, said the head censor.

Dr. Phil van Neuter came in.

“But the sounds aren’t loud enough”, said Dr. Phil, putting in a few drops of something into the machine.

“What are you doing?”, said Bunsen.

“Mee mee mee”, said Beaker.

“I’m making the sound more effective”, said Dr. Phil, “and now I’ll read the words you can never say on television!”

Dr. Phil read his list and the sounds of foghorns were heard, but the loudness of the foghorns combined with the frequency of Phil’s objectable words lead to everyone covering heir ears, then the TV monitors all busted, and then the machine busted.

“Well, so much for that”, said Bunsen.

At the unemployment office…

“I’ve been unemployed for a day”, said Thog, “may I have my unemployment check now?”

“According to this you only get 35 dollars a week”, said Thog.

“Well, usually all I do is appear in the opening”, said Thog, “I wonder what they’ll do about the opening now that I’m gone.”

Cut to the theater, with the monsters rehearsing the opening. Thog’s spot is empty.

“Well, it does look weird without Thog”, said Kermit.

“Just as weird as it looked without me”, said Timmy.

“I wonder who we can get to replace Thog”, said Kermit.

Kermit heard the sounds of a throat being cleared. Kermit turned his head, and saw the Mutation who didn’t appear in the opening.

“Okay, fine”, said Kermit, “you can be in the middle.”

“I’ve looked at your list of guest stars, and I object to them all”, said the head censor.

“Oh, thank you”, said Sam, “they scheduled quite a few weirdos.”

“Hey, Kermit”, said Scooter, “James Rolfe is on the phone. He said he’s been watching the show and wants to know if he can be a guest star now.”

“No”, said the head censor.

“I will practice-a my act now!”, said Marvin Suggs, hitting Muppaphones.

“Stop!”, said the head censor, “PETA won’t allow it.”

“Oh….”, said Marvin Suggs, regrettably.

“And the child labor laws won’t allow for Bobby Benson’s Baby Band”.

“Well, come on, babies”, said Bobby Benson, “we need to find a new gig.”

“You can’t as long as child labor laws are around”, said the head censor.
“Wow”, thought Kermit, “we’ve got this heavy amount of censorship, plus PETA and child labor laws, as well as many angry letters and phone calls… What’ll we do for a show?”

Cut straight to that weeks show…

“Welcome to The Muppet Show”, said Kermit, “Tonight’s show will be dedicated to the art of pantomime. So to start things off, here are the Snerfs!”

And the Snerfs were on-stage performing an instrumental version of “My Boyfriend is Back”.

“You’re terrible!”said Statler.

“You’re horrible!”, shouted Waldorf.

“You sounded too flat”, said Statler, “as flat as you should be!”

The head censor then popped up into the balcony.

“Alright, we won’t take any heckling here”, said the censor, “you two have got to leave!”

“Hmm”, thought Fozzie, watching from a distance, “maybe this censorship is a good thing.”

In the control room…

“Well, we’re off to a good start”, said Nigel.

“All controls are working”, said Digit.

“Teleprompter. Is. In good condition”, said ‘80s Robot.

“Good, good”, said Nigel.

Eugene tapped Nigel’s shoulder.

“What is it, Eugene?”, asked Nigel.

Eugene pointed at a ratings machine, and they saw that the ratings were dropping.

“Oh no!”, panicked Nigel, “Uh, uh, uh, put on something exciting!”

“And here here are the dancing mimes!”, said Kermit.

The curtains raised, and a group of mimes were dancing. While two mimes were pretending to be pulling on opposite ends of a rope, another mime acted like he was in a cage, and another mime acted like he was eating.

Thog was watching from his home.

“Oh goody!”, said Thog, “A mime act! This should be great!”

The act finished.

“Hmm”, thought Thog, “not as good as I’d expected.”

 

[minor muppetz]

Act 3

Kermit and the head censor were in the control room.

“Well, we’ve got safe programming”, said the head censor.

“But our ratings are dropping”, said Kermit.

“What’ll we do? What’ll we do???”, panicked Nigel.

Johnny Fiama popped up.

“Why don’t you give me a number?”, said Johnny.

“But you’re a singer, not a mime!”, said the head censor.

“But his songs usually don’t have objectionable content”, said Kermit.

“That’s right!”, said Sal, pushing his way past the head censor, “you let Johnny go out there and do his song!”

Johnny Fiama started singing, “I’ve Grown Accustomed to your face…”

“Not here”, said the censor, “Out there!”

“Oh, oh, yeah”, said Johnny.

“Come on, Johnny”, said Sal.

They left for the stage.

“I hope nothing goes wrong”, said the censor.

Sal went on-stage to introduce Johnny.

“Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the one and only Johnny Fiama!”, said Sal.

The audience didn’t applaud.

“Hey, you’d BETTER applaud!”

“Was that a threat?”, asked the head censor.

Johnny Fiama was on-stage, singing “I’ve Grown Accustomed to Your Face”.

Sam the Eagle went to the head censor.

“I would like to say that you have done a sensational job at making this show safe for everyone”, said Sam.

“I’m pleased”, said the head censor.

Sam changed his mood to regret, “now what do I do here?”

Kermit went on-stage.

“And now, ladies and gentlemen, here’s the closing act!”

For the closing act, The Mutations all juggled, occasionally tossing balls to each other. Eventually, one of them missed and a ball hit a stage light, making it fall and start a fire in the theater.

“Oh, I hope they don’t get hurt”, said Thog.

Everyone in the theater started running. Except for the audience.

“I wonder why the audience is there there”, said Beauregard.

“That’s a special audience”, said Scooter, “they’re all blind.”

“Blind?”, said Kermit, “Oh good grief…”

Kermit went on-stage.

“It has come to my attention that many of you are blind”, said Kermit, “Right now there is a fire, but we’ve got some…”

“A fire???”, cried an audience member.

The audience all ran, but kept running into each other, and into the seats.

“We’ll find somebody to rescue you”, said Kermit, but then a piece of the ceiling fell on Kermit.

“I’ve got to save them!”, said Thog, as he ran.

The head censor and all of the Muppets were outside, except for Kermit and the blind audience.

“Isn’t anyone going to rescue them?”, asked Rizzo.

“I’m too scared”, said Link.

“Me, too”, said Fozzie.

“So am I”, said Sweetums.

“I’m not going to go back there and report a news flash”, said The Newsman.

“Mee mee mee”, said Beaker.

“Somebody has to save my frog”, said Miss Piggy.

Thog then showed up.

“I’ll rescue them!”, said Thog, as he ran into the building.

Thog came and guided the blind audience out.

“Follow my voice”, said Thog.

That did the trick, and the audience was outside safely. Then Thog ran in, and picked up the part of ceiling that had fallen on Kermit.

“Help me, Thog”, said Kermit.

“Hold on”, said Thog, picking Kermit up.

And soon they were out, and the fire department had shown up.

“Well, Thog, you sure are a hero”, said Kermit, “and I think you should have your job back.”

Everyone talked in agreement.

“Not so fast”, said the head censor, “my censorship was so effective, it will continue, and Thog’s still fired!”

“What?”, said everybody.

“But ratings kept dropping”, said Nigel the Director.

“If the ratings are so low then nobody will complain”, said the head censor.

“Unbelievable, okay”, said Pepe.

“I will censor The Muppet Show, and then Saturday Night Live, and then South Park, and then all television!”

Everyone looked worried.

“And all because I said a bad word after falling off a unicycle”, said Thog.

“Hmm”, thought Bunsen, “I have an idea.”

 

[minor muppetz]

Act 4

Bunsen and Beaker went into the prop room.

“Here’s the unicycle he fell off”, said Bunsen, “we’ll convert it to be unable to fall over.”

Cut to later, Beaker was on top of the unicycle, all nervous.

“Here we go, Beaker!”, said Bunsen, pushing a button which made the unicycle move but not fall over.

“It worked, Beaker!”, said Bunsen.

The unicycle then fell off the stage, with Beaker on top.

“Meep”

“Watch your language, Beaker!”

And then Bunsen had finished a time machine.

“We’ll use our time machine to go back in time”, said Bunsen, “don’t forget the unicycle!”

They went back to the night Thog did his act.

“Okay, Beaker”,s aid Bunsen, “replace unicycles. From what I recall our past selves were in the canteen, so we should be safe from seeing ourselves.”

Beaker replaced unicycles and went back to the time machine, but then Thog showed up.

“I thought I just saw you two in the canteen”, said Thog.

“Uh…”, thought Bunsen, “We, uh, we’ve been working on a magic act! Impressive, huh?”

“Yeah”, said Thog, “but I’m about to come on-stage.”

“Oh, sure”, said Bunsen, “But I must warn you. There’s a word you should not ever say on stage or television…”

“And now I proudly introduce Thog and his unicycle act!”, said Kermit.

The curtains raised and Thog rode across the stage on a unicycle, with no problem at all. The audience applauded.

“Well, now we’ve got to go back to the future”, said Bunsen, “I just hope we haven’t interfered with the space time continuum.”
“Wait a minute!”, said Walter.

Cut straight to a board meeting with the Muppets, Gonzo standing before them.

“What’s wrong with my story idea, Walter?”, asked Gonzo.

“You don’t seem like the kind of person who’d be concerned about the space-time continuum”, said Walter, “in fact I don’t know whether you are a person.”

“How flattering!”, said Gonzo.

“And when have Beaker and I been known to use a time machine?”, said Bunsen.

“Well, you did have a time machine in that one awful game boy color game”, said Walter.

“I know better than to use that word, Gonzo”, said Thog.

“This was the stupidest idea you ever thought up”, said Kermit.

Everyone started talking at once, all getting angrier and angrier, as the room suddenly got darker and Gonzo started getting paranoid. Then a knock was heard.

Cut to Gonzo waking up on a couch in a dressing room. The knocking was heard again.

“Gonzo, fifty seconds until curtain!”, said Scooter.

“Oh, Scooter, I just had an interesting dream”, said Gonzo, “I dreamt I was pitching an idea, and none of you liked it, and I actually cared, and…”

“No time to hear now, Gonzo”, said Scooter, “I have to tell the guest star he has 15 seconds ‘till curtain.”

Scooter looked at his watch.

“And I’m late!”, said Scooter as he ran, “Now it’s only 14 seconds ‘till curtain… and now 10…”

The End

 

[kathy26]

who perform these characters
The Secretary
The Head Censor
Mildred
Mailman

 

[minor muppetz]

who perform these characters
The Secretary
The Head Censor
Mildred
Mailman

I imagine The Head Censor would be a live actress, preferrably a celebrity, maybe the actress who played the mother on Malcom in the Middle.

Mildred would be performed by Eric Jacobson.

I'll have to get back with you on the others, though I'm thinking live actors, ones who aren't famous at all.

 

[Misskermie]

lol if it isn't the mucking fuppets lol, that made me laugh so hard!