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THE MUPPET SHOW
With special guest star Stevie Nicks
(late Season 5)
Cold Open:(Pops is behind his desk, reading a newspaper. The headline reads: “LARGEST BALONEY SANDWICH IN WORLD BUILT IN FORT LEE, NJ.”)
Pops: Heh! That’s a lotta baloney if I ever heard it!
(The backstage door opens, and Stevie Nicks enters in a long white coat with feathers on the hood, resembling a dove.)
Pops: Who are you?
Stevie: I’m Stevie Nicks, the singer for Fleetwood Mac. My band’s on hiatus right now, and Kermit asked me to be on tonight’s show.
Pops: Stevie Nicks! Oh, yeah! I love yer stuff! Country music’s my favorite genre!
Stevie: No, no, no. I’m with Fleetwood Mac, a rock band.
Pops: Oh, a rock band! Yeah! We’ve got a few rock bands here, too! (three rocks dressed to the nines enter, amid laughter from audience)
Stevie: Who are you guys?
Rock Star #1 (sporting a chain, a wide-brimmed purple hat with orange feather, and a goatee; played by Steve Whitmire): We’re rock stars, baby! Can’t you tell?
Stevie (shakes her head): I’m going to need some rock-hard evidence of that. (laughter from audience)
Rock Star #2 (wearing kerchief around head, a gold earring, large shades, and a chain; played by Richard Hunt): Hey, don’t take us for granted here, sweetie!
Stevie: You mean granite! (laughter from audience)
Rock Star #3 (donning shades, a bowler hat, two chains, a tie, & a beard; played by Dave Goelz): That’s it! We’re bringing our agent in here to deal with you!
Pops: Your agent? Who else does he work with? ROCK Hudson? (chuckles) How about that Stallone fellow? You know, ROCKY? (more laughter)
(Rock Star #2 points his finger, and a giant rock crash-lands in the lobby, making Stevie & Pops jump in alarm. Wood, plaster, and dust fall to the floor.)
Rock Star #3: We warned ya. Come on fellas, let’s roll. (The rocks actually roll away. Pops & Stevie look up at the broken ceiling, and then at each other in complete disbelief.)
Theme:
Kermit: It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Stevie Nicks! Yaaaayyyyyy!!!! (audience bursts into applause & cheers, & the Season 5 version of the theme plays)
It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppet-ational...
THIS IS WHAT WE CALL THE MUPPET SHOW!!!!!
Gonzo's horn: no sound comes out, but the horn ends up acting as a dog whistle, attracting a bunch of dogs.
Introduction/Opening Number:
Kermit: Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi ho, and welcome to another Muppet Show! And we have a really great one for you tonight, because our guest star is one of the top musicians in the business today, Miss Stevie Nicks! (“Ooohs” and “Aaahs” from audience) Yes, she is part of the famous band Fleetwood Mac, and we are delighted to have her with us tonight. But first, let’s get things started with a trip around the world! (Kermit exits, and there is applause as the curtain opens.)
An elderly gray Whatnot (Jerry Nelson) on a cruise ship sings “Somewhere Beyond the Sea” while taking in the sights around him, including a school of fish, a scuba diver, and a Hawaiian gorilla eating coconuts on a deserted island. Other Whatnot passengers join him in song until a shark jumps onto the ship and eats the elderly Whatnot. Lots of laughter & applause at the end.
Balcony:
Waldorf: I wonder how they came up with the title “Somewhere Beyond the Sea.”
Statler: Well, I wonder why we can’t be somewhere beyond this theater!
Both: Doooooooh-hohohohohoho!!!
Backstage Scene #1:
Kermit: All right, nice job out there! Great opening number. (Shark & Elderly Whatnot enter, engaged in combat. The shark is still on top of Whatnot’s head.)
Elderly Whatnot: Get off me, you pesky shark! The number’s done! (Whatnot flings the shark off him. Loud splash sound off-screen.)
Kermit: Uh, what was that all about?
Elderly Whatnot: Oh, it’s fine. Nothing’s wrong. That shark is no trouble at all. We actually go back a long way.
Kermit: Really? That explanation doesn’t seem to hold any water. (Kermit laughs as Whatnot exits. Miss Piggy enters carrying a purse over her shoulder.)
Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermit! My dearest green frog!
Kermit: Oh, hi there, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy: I have a question to ask you, my love. I was wondering whether I…I, uh… (rustling in purse)
Kermit: What was that?
Miss Piggy: Uhhh, that was just my hand. My hand has been very restless today. Hahaha… (laughter from audience) Um, anyway, I was wondering whether I could… (more rustling & yelping from the purse, Piggy tries to shush the bag as inconspicuously as possible)
Kermit (suspiciously): Piggy, what do you have in there?
Miss Piggy: Kermie! No! Don’t open my--- (too late…Kermit opens the purse and Foo-Foo jumps out, knocking over Kermit’s coffee mug & its hot contents right onto Kermit’s hand)
Kermit: YEEEEOOOOOWWW!!!! (laughter from audience, Kermit is angry) Piggy!!! You brought that dog here?!
Miss Piggy: Ahhhh…well I guess that’s a yes! Thank you, Kermie! Foo-Foo, say thank you to your da-da!
Foo-Foo: Arf! Arf! (Miss Piggy laughs, kisses Kermit on the cheek, and exits hurriedly. Foo-Foo licks the coffee off of Kermit’s hand.)
Kermit: Sheesh. This show is going to the dogs already. (Foo-Foo growls and Kermit runs toward the stage.)
Musical Number:
(fanfare plays as Kermit enters)
Kermit: Uh, it’s not often that we have a lot of pop on this show. (Two bottles of soda pop enter. They speak in high-pitched, watery voices.)
Pop Bottle #1 (Frank Oz): Yeah, and we’re not happy about it, frog!
Kermit: Uh, are you guys soda pop bottles?
Pop Bottle #1: No, we’re Starsky and Hutch. What does it look like to you?!
Pop Bottle #2 (Dave Goelz): Of course we’re soda pop bottles, frog! And we wish there was more pop on the show!
Pop Bottle #1: Yeah, wouldn’t that be sweet? (laughter)
Kermit (scrunches face): Sheesh…anyway, for those of you who like pop music, our special guest is a superstar of today’s music industry, Miss Stevie Nicks.
Pop Bottle #2: Stevie Nicks? Oh, wow! She’s wonderful! That makes me feel all bubbly inside! (laughter)
Kermit (fed up): Will you get out of here?! Out! Out! (shoves the bottles offstage) And now, ladies and gentlemen, here she is: the enchantingly fabulous Stevie Nicks! Yaaaayyyyy!!! (audience applauds, whistles, & cheers as the curtain opens, revealing a royal court backdrop like in a fairy tale)
Stevie Nicks, in a lavishing princess costume, sings a short version of Fleetwood Mac’s “Sara” while backed by the Electric Mayhem (minus Zoot and Lips). Dr. Teeth is wearing a king’s crown and robe, Janice is dressed as a maid, Floyd is clad in a prince’s outfit, and Animal dons a jester’s hat. Loud applause at the end.
Balcony:
Statler: You know something? I’ve never really liked rock music.
(The Rock Stars from the cold open enter the balcony and heave themselves onto Statler’s feet.)
Statler: OUCH!!! (holds his feet, groaning in pain)
Waldorf: I knew that. That’s been set in STONE for years! Heh heh heh heh! (Then the Rock Stars crush Waldorf’s feet, and Statler gets the last laugh.)
Backstage Scene #2:
(Kermit is working at his desk, humming “This Frog” to himself.)
Kermit (to camera): Boy, what a great start we’ve had tonight. It’ll take a lot to convince me otherwise. (Fozzie approaches Kermit slowly.)
Fozzie: Kermit, what was that?
Kermit: I’m in good spirits, Fozzie! We’ve had a great start!
Fozzie: Well, I hate to be the BEAR-er of bad news, Kermit (laughter from audience), but (whispers slowly) look around you…
(Kermit does a huge double-take when he finally sees the backstage area. It has been completely torn apart: shredded clothing, scratches on the wood, broken props and scenery, and puddles on the floor. Floyd Pepper, Beauregard, Scooter, Annie Sue, Janice, and Rowlf are staring at the wreckage in shock.)
Kermit (completely stunned): Wh-wh-wha-wha-WHAT HAPPENED?!!
Scooter: We’re not sure, chief, but it looks like a dog did this. (Everyone turns and looks right at Rowlf.)
Rowlf: Hey, it wasn’t my fault this time! (laughter from audience)
Kermit (it dawns on him): Foo-Foo! Piggy brought that lousy dog to the theater! And she tried to hide it from me! Where is that dog? Where’s Piggy??? PIGGY!!! (runs off angrily in search of Piggy)
Floyd: Looks like our green friend is seeing red!
Scooter: And he’s going purple in the face, too!
Fozzie: Just great…now I’m feeling really blue all of a sudden.
(The Muppets look at one another with concern.)
Muppet News Flash:
Muppets Newsman (runs onstage): HERE IS A MUPPET NEWS FLASH!!! This just in: a small poodle has run amok inside the Muppet Theater. Kermit the Frog is determined to find and return the dog to its rightful---and hopefully permanent---owner, Miss Piggy. As of now, the dog has not yet been located. (The desk begins to shake. Then Foo-Foo leaps out from underneath it and attacks the Newsman.)
Backstage Scene #3:
(Kermit is behind his desk, fuming, when Miss Piggy rushes in.)
Miss Piggy: Kermie! Kermie! Oh! Have you seen Foo-Foo anywhere? I’ve lost my poor helpless little Foo-Foo inside this huge theater and---
Kermit (furious): Piggy! Go find your dog yourself!!!
Miss Piggy (hurt): Kermie? What’s wrong?
Kermit: Piggy, do you see what your dog did?! Take a look! (gestures toward the ruins of the backstage)
Miss Piggy: Wh-wh-wha-wha-WHAT HAPPENED?!
Kermit: Piggy! Don’t act like you don’t know what happened! Your silly dog caused all this! I know it! Who else has a dog here? No one!
Miss Piggy: Kermie! I’m surprised to hear you talk like that! You’re Foo-Foo’s da-da! Foo-Foo would not like to hear his da-da using that tone!
Kermit (explodes): AAAAHHH!!! Piggy! I will not tolerate this! You will find your dog and apologize to all of us! I am sick and tired of your---
Miss Piggy: No, Kermie! Listen! I don’t know how this happened! Honest! I just had Foo-Foo with me, and I turned my back and then he was gone! Kermie, you MUST believe me! Moi is telling the truth! Please! Please! Please! (gets down on her knees pleadingly and is about to cry)
Kermit (pauses, realizing that he may have been too quick to put the blame on Piggy): Really? You’re not lying to me, are you?
Miss Piggy: I’m NOT! Really! Please, Kermie! (sniffles)
Kermit: OK, Piggy. I’m sorry…it’s OK. There, there. You’re forgiven.
Miss Piggy: OH! Thank you, mon cherie! (begins kissing Kermit)
Kermit: But hold on! (Piggy stops.) If Foo-Foo didn’t do this, then…who did?
(Stevie opens her dressing room door, clearly in distress.)
Stevie (hysterically): WHERE’S JENNY?! Has anyone seen Jenny anywhere? I lost my poor helpless little poodle Jenny inside this huge theater and---ohhh! JENNYYY!!!! (Stevie runs back into her room & slams the door.)
Miss Piggy: What the hey? TWO dogs?!
Kermit: I’ve heard of dog days, but this is ridiculous... (audience laughs as Kermit & Miss Piggy look at one another)
Musical Number:
(Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem are onstage with their black pyramid platform setup. Dr. Teeth, Animal, and Zoot are on the top row, and Janice, Floyd, Lips, and the Trombone Girl are below.)
Floyd Pepper: And now, for all you boppin’ cats and hoppin’ kittens out there, it’s time for some good old-fashioned jazz! Here’s Duke Ellington’s “Cottontail.”
Dr. Teeth: Two! Three! Four!
(The EM jumps right into “Cottontail.” Zoot, Lips, and Dr. Teeth take brief solos, and Animal does his best to upstage the band with his drum fills. Suddenly, their number is interrupted by barking and yelping noises.)
Floyd: What in the name of Charles Mingus is goin’ on?
Dr. Teeth: Sounds like a cranky canine causing chaos. Just keep playing! (They try, until Jenny the poodle runs onstage in front of the EM and starts running around in circles and barking loudly.)
Animal: DOGGIE!!! DOGGIE!!! (runs away from his drums and toward the stage to pet Jenny, abruptly ending the song)
Floyd: Stop, Animal! Heel! (Animal & Jenny obey Floyd, both panting heavily.)
Dr. Teeth: Ugh, I don’t dig this bum gig. C’mon, let’s make like Ella Fitzgerald and scat. (The band exits in frustration, except Animal, who begins to stroke the poodle. Jenny growls at Animal, who growls back. Floyd enters again and pulls on Animal’s chain, leaving Jenny alone onstage. Fade to black.)
UK Spot:
Miss Piggy sings “Ave Maria,” with Rowlf on the piano. By the end, they are both crying and wiping their eyes with tissues. Loud applause at the end.
Musical Number:
Kermit: And now, ladies and gentlemen, here she is again to sing one of her classic songs, Miss Stevie Nicks! (applause as curtain opens)
Stevie is wearing a flowing black dress, a black cape, and a top hat, and is carrying a microphone on a stand. She sings “Rhiannon” backed by a Muppet ghost (Jim) on guitar and vocals, a devil (Jerry) on drums and vocals, a goblin (Frank) on bass, and a vampire (Richard) on keyboards and vocals. Thunderous applause at the end.
Balcony:
Statler: Booooooo!
Waldorf: Terrible!
Statler: Awful!
Waldorf: It’ll take more than some silly old ghosts and demons to make us like that number! (Suddenly, the devil comes up behind them, waves his hands, and sets off an explosion in the balcony. When the smoke clears, Waldorf and Statler have transformed into Frackles!)
Statler: Uhhh, bravo!
Waldorf: Encore!
Statler: Marvelous!
Waldorf: Superb!
Both: We loved it! (laughter from audience, and the devil changes them back)
Gonzo’s Act:
Kermit: And now, it is with great pride that I present the debut performance of Gonzo the Great’s Choir of Chickens! (Applause as curtain opens, showing Gonzo in a conductor’s tuxedo, and eight chickens in glittery pastel colored dresses.)
Gonzo: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, my Choir of Chickens will perform the finale of Shostakovich’s 5th Symphony in D minor. Ready, girls? (Gonzo raises his baton, and the chickens begin to cluck in perfect harmony.)
Gonzo: Yes! This is music to my ears! (continues conducting) Eat your heart out, Leonard Bernstein! (laughter from audience as Gonzo conducts)
(Suddenly, barks and howls are heard, and Foo-Foo dashes onstage. Gonzo tries to restore order and conduct the chickens, but he ends up being chased by Foo-Foo. The chickens cannot finish the piece and they watch the chase, amid uproarious laughter from the audience.)
Balcony:
Statler: Poor Gonzo! He couldn’t finish his act!
Waldorf: Well, once that dog came on, he CHICKENED out!
Both: Dooooooooooh-hohohohohohoho!!!
Backstage Scene #4:
(Stevie Nicks is sitting in her dressing room, tears running down her cheeks. She picks up a picture of Jenny and gazes at it. A knock at the door.)
Kermit: Miss Nicks, can I come in?
Stevie: Yes…(sobs) Come in, Kermit. (Kermit enters.)
Kermit: Hi, Stevie…I’m awfully sorry to hear that you lost your dog…
Stevie (crying): Oh, Kermit! I don’t know what to do! I’ve looked all over and I can’t find my little Jenny! I’m beside myself! Literally!
Kermit: Oh…well, you’re right next to the mirror… (laughter from audience as Stevie sees her reflection) You know, we do have to carry on with the show, but above all, we want to help our guest star and make her feel happy here. So we’ll try our best to help you find your dog.
Stevie (happily): Oh thank you, Kermit! (hugs Kermit, nearly choking him) Thank you so much! You have no idea how much that means to me!
Kermit (in choked voice): No problem, Stevie. But two things…one: you’re hugging me a bit too tight…
Stevie: Oh, I’m sorry! (lets go amid laughter from audience)
Kermit: Whew! That’s better. Coincidentally, there’s another missing dog in this theater tonight.
Stevie: No! Really, Kermit? Are you joking?
Kermit: I wish I wasn’t. But Miss Piggy lost her dog Foo-Foo as well. And they’re both poodles, too… (sighs)
Stevie: Hmmm. Well, I’m pretty sure that they act differently. We just need to find both dogs, and then figure out which one is Jenny and which one is Foo-Foo.
Kermit: Hey! Yeah, that’s a great idea! I’ll go get everybody else and we can look for the dogs, okay?
Stevie: That’ll be great, Kermit.
Kermit: All right. Great! Great! I’ll see you later, Stevie. (Kermit exits Stevie’s dressing room and shuts the door.)
Stevie: I really hope they find Jenny…the very thought of losing her is just dogging me. (laughter from audience)
Muppet News Flash:
Muppet Newsman (running onstage): HERE IS A MUPPET NEWS FLASH!!! The following is an update on the missing dog in the Muppet Theater. As it turns out, there are TWO missing dogs of the same breed. Reports say that these dogs are poodles, neither of whom have been located yet. (The desk shakes, and Foo-Foo and Jenny jump out and attack the Newsman.)
Backstage Scene #5:
(Kermit is being confronted by Floyd, Janice, Gonzo and Fozzie.)
Floyd: But seriously, Kermit! That dog turned our swingin’ number into an amauteur show, man! I don’t dig this one bit!
Janice: Like, what’s the scoop, Kermit? This show’s been such a drag, rully.
Gonzo: Kermit! I worked all week on that piece with my chickens, and that dog ruined it! How could you let this happen?
Fozzie: Kermit! The theater is a mess, and the show is falling apart! Why aren’t you DOING anything about it?
Kermit: WILL YOU ALL STOP?!! (everyone stops, taken aback) Listen: it’s not all Piggy’s fault: there are TWO dogs loose in this theater. (everyone is stunned)
Floyd: Are you tryin’ to pull the wool over our eyes, my little green amphibi-boss?
Kermit: No! Both Miss Piggy and Stevie Nicks brought their pets here, and we have to find them before the show ends. And I want all of you to help.
Gonzo: No, it’s their job to look after their pets! Count me out!
Fozzie: I agree! I refuse to help!
Floyd: I’m siding with my main daredevil dude and my hibernating homie here.
Janice: Fer sure.
Kermit: I’ll double your salaries.
(Floyd, Janice, Fozzie, & Gonzo look at one another.)
Floyd: Janice and I will check outside. (Floyd and Janice exit.)
Gonzo: Fozzie and I will check upstairs.
Fozzie: We will? (Gonzo hits him in the side) OW! Yes, we will! Yes, sir! RIGHT behind you, Gonzo! (laughter from the audience as everyone exits, and Kermit nods at the camera with a knowing, capable expression on his face)
Pigs in Space:
Announcer: And now, it’s PIIIIGGGS IIIIIINNNNN SPAAAACCCEEEE!!!! (theme music) When we last left the Swinetrek, the crew had just discovered a mysterious stowaway on board. (Scene cuts to the Swinetrek crew trying to pry open the gate of a vent. Link Hogthrob is pulling on the gate to no avail.)
Link Hogthrob: Whew! (wipes his forehead) Boy, am I exhausted! It feels like I’ve been pulling on this vent for two hours!
First Mate Piggy: It’s only been two minutes, Link. (laughter)
Link Hogthrob: Oh, but time goes so slowly when you are trying to save a ship, First Mate Piggy! (laughter) But I can’t open this vent, no matter how hard I try! We might not be able to capture this mysterious stowaway! It seems like my enormous muscles have failed me! (puts his head in his hands)
Dr. Strangepork: Oh, no! If we can’t get to the shtowaway, he…or she…or it…may threaten the lives of everyone aboard! This is a true disash-ter!
First Mate Piggy: Wait, wait, wait, Link. I am SURE that I can be of some help!
Link Hogthrob: No, First Mate Piggy! This is a dangerous task! Please leave it to me. I am, after all, the captain of this ship!
First Mate Piggy: Oh, Linkie, dear. While that may be indeed acutely accurate, you are undoubtedly mentally inferior to yours truly.
Link Hogthrob: Uhhh…what?
First Mate Piggy: You don’t have the brains to do it, hamhead. (laughter)
Link Hogthrob: Now listen here, First Mate Piggy! Don’t talk to me like that!
First Mate Piggy: I can speak my mind whenever I want, Hogthrob!
(While Link & Piggy argue, Dr. Strangepork opens the gate with a screwdriver.)
Dr. Strangepork: There! All set! I’ve opened the vent, and now we can find the shtowaway! (Link & Piggy stop mid-argument, stare at the open vent, and then look at Dr. Strangepork, not exactly knowing what to say.)
Link Hogthrob: Well…um…uh, thank you, Doctor.
First Mate Piggy: Yeah, yeah, whatever. We just need to find the little twerp before it’s too late.
Link Hogthrob: Well, here goes. (reaches into vent and pulls out a poodle) Well, well, well. What’s this strange, furry, white creature doing here?
First Mate Piggy (gasps): FOO-FOO! Oh! It’s you! It’s you! Come to mumsie! (the poodle growls…it’s not Foo-Foo, but Jenny!) Wha? Foo-Foo? (the dog begins chasing Piggy around the ship) No! Sit! Stay! What is this?! HELP! Link! Strangepork! Help me! Call security! Sound the alarms! HELP!!!
(Link & Dr. Strangepork look at one another mischievously.)
Link Hogthrob: You have the popcorn?
Dr. Strangepork: Yep, right here. (they sit back in their chairs, share a bowl of popcorn, and watch the chase) That’s it! Go get ‘er!
Link Hogthrob: Run like the wind, First Mate Piggy! Oh wait…I just remembered that you are physically inferior to yours truly! (Link, Dr. Strangepork, and the audience laugh as Piggy runs away from the dog.)
First Mate Piggy (panting while screaming at Link and Dr. Strangepork): LINK! STRANGEPORK! I’M GONNA TEAR YOUR SNOUTS OFF! (huff, puff) GET THIS DOG AWAY FROM ME!!! (pant, pant) HELP!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Announcer: If you can, try to sit through next week’s episode of PIIIIGGGS IIIIIINNNNN SPAAAACCCEEEE!!!! (The ship flies off into the distance.)
Backstage Scene #6:
(Kermit, Beauregard, and Scooter are trying to console a weeping Stevie, who is sitting on a trunk when Link, Dr. Strangepork, and an exhausted Miss Piggy enter. Link is holding Jenny---Stevie Nicks’s actual live poodle---in his arms.)
Dr. Strangepork: Stevie! We found your dog! It was on the Shwinetrek set.
Stevie: OH! Thank you all so much! (takes Jenny from Link) Oh, I’m so glad to see you, Jenny! I missed you so much! (hugs and kisses Jenny)
Miss Piggy: Yeah, yeah, yeah, cut the chitchat. There’s a more pressing matter on our hands right now.
Beauregard: Really? That’s funny, because I’m not holding anything in my hands. (laughter from audience)
Miss Piggy: No, you dimwit! We need to find my missing Foo-Foo!
(The Muppets begin searching and calling for Foo-Foo. Kermit looks by his desk, Link and Dr. Strangepork go upstairs, Miss Piggy and Scooter search by the stairs, and Stevie and Beauregard look through the props. The trunk that Stevie is sitting on begins to move around. Stevie reacts accordingly.)
Stevie: Wait, everyone! Stop! Hold it for a minute! (Everyone stops.)
Beauregard (lifting a bulky box to search for Foo-Foo): No! It’s too heavy…I can’t hold it any longer! (falls over with the box, and audience laughs)
Stevie: No, no, that’s not what I mean. I think I know where Foo-Foo is! (Everyone watches as Stevie lifts the lid of the trunk and pulls out Foo-Foo.)
Miss Piggy: OH! Foo-Foo! Come to mumsie! Oh! How I’ve missed you! Oh! (Piggy hugs and kisses Foo-Foo. Stevie is doing the same to Jenny. Audience bursts into applause.)
Kermit: Wonderful! Everyone’s reunited. Now we can finally do the closing number! Come on, Stevie! Come on, Piggy! (Stevie, Piggy, and their dogs growl at Kermit, who nervously backs off. Piggy and Stevie continue cuddling their pets.)
Scooter: Hey Kermit, what about the backstage? It’s still a wreck!
Kermit: We can fix it later, Scooter. I’ll make sure the carpenters get paid overtime. But we have a show to finish! Come on! Everyone get ready for the closing number! (The backstage area begins to bustle with activity as several Whatnots begin moving scenery and props.)
Scooter: Well, Fozzie, it looks like Kermit’s in good spirits again!
Fozzie: You can say that again! (The ghost from Stevie’s number enters.)
Ghost: Did someone say “spirit?” (Scooter and Fozzie notice the ghost, and the audience laughs as they run away screaming in fear.)
Skit/Musical Number:
(fanfare plays as Kermit enters)
Kermit: Ladies and gentlemen, once again, here is our lovely guest star, Stevie Nicks! (Curtain opens, showing Stevie in a white silk dress with lace, a red and black patterned shawl, and white heels. She is standing in the doorway of a bedroom in a foster home/orphanage-type building. A toy chest, a table and chairs are visible. Robin, Scooter, Link Hogthrob, Beauregard, and Fozzie are wearing pajamas and are sitting up in their beds.)
Stevie: Get your rest, boys. You’ve had a long day. Good night!
All: Good night, Miss Stevie.
Fozzie: Excuse me, Miss Stevie. I’m…I’m sorry. But can you give my teddy bear a hug? He’s afraid of the dark.
Stevie (skeptically): Your teddy bear’s afraid of the dark?
Fozzie: Trust me. He can BEAR-ly sleep at night. Aaaahh!!! (audience laughs)
Stevie (groans at the joke): Okay, Fozzie. (hugs Fozzie’s teddy bear)
Fozzie: Oh, and give him a kiss for good measure, too. (Stevie rolls her eyes, but she does so. Laughter from audience.)
Stevie: All right…good night, everyone.
Link: Wait, Miss Stevie…can you check under my bed? I’m scared of snake-like things...especially raccoons and tigers. (sucks thumb, laughter from audience. Stevie gives camera a confused look.)
Stevie (sighs): OK…(looks under Link’s bed) I don’t see any snake-like things, Link. You’re safe, okay?
Link: Oh, good. What a relief! I was afraid I’d be eaten by a big, scary, snake-like thing like a turkey! (more laughter)
Stevie: Good night, everyone. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
Beauregard: Wait! Miss Stevie, don’t go yet!
Stevie: What’s wrong now, Beau?
Beauregard: Can you check my blanket, please?
Stevie: For snake-like things?
Beauregard: No, for bedbugs. I don’t want to get any beddy-bugs to bite me! (chuckles from audience)
Stevie: Okay, okay… (checks his blanket ) Now good night, boys…sleep tight.
Scooter: Oh, Miss Stevie? I’m scared to go to sleep!
Robin: Me too!
Stevie: Why? What’s wrong?
Scooter: Well…I don’t want to have any bad dreams.
Robin: Yeah! I don’t like bad dreams one bit. I’m real scared…(Robin hides under the covers. Stevie walks toward his bed and gently lifts the covers off his head.)
Stevie: Listen to me, everyone. There is no need to be afraid of the dark, or monsters, or bedbugs, or bad dreams, or anything. I’m here to make sure you’re all safe. And Robin, everyone has bad dreams. In fact, I’ve had them myself.
Robin: Really, Miss Stevie?
Stevie: Yes! But dreams are not real. It’s only your imagination acting up. Think of something you like, and maybe you’ll have a good dream. Just relax and think about what makes you happy… (Stevie Nicks begins to sing a slower, acoustic version of Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams” as she walks around the room and puts each Muppet to bed. At the end, she comes to Fozzie and gives his teddy bear a kiss. As the song finishes, she walks toward the door, turns out the light, and magically vanishes without the Muppets’ knowledge. The Muppets are all asleep…even Waldorf and Statler, who have passed out in their balcony. Huge ovation at the end. Fade to black.)
Curtain Call:
Kermit: Well, folks, it’s time to wrap up another show. But be-FORE we go, let’s have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, Miss Stevie Nicks! Yaaaaaayyyyyy!!! (Kermit waves his hands wildly as Stevie Nicks enters to loud applause, whistles, and cheers.)
Stevie: Thank you, Kermit. Thank you so much. I can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed the show tonight.
(Animal runs onstage, frightening Stevie. Floyd is tugging on Animal’s chain.)
Animal: STEVIE! STEVIE! PRETTY STEVIE! AAAAAAHHHHH!!
Floyd: Heh, I think Animal enjoyed it more than anyone! (laughter from audience, and Kermit chuckles) Back, Animal! Sit! Stay put! (Animal obeys and repeats all of Floyd’s commands.) Good drummer!
Stevie: Awww, that’s so sweet. He’s so cute. (Stevie strokes Animal’s head. Animal is turned on and begins shaking.)
Animal: OHHH!!! WOMAN! WOMAN! WOMAN! AAAAHHHHHH!!!! (laughter as Animal lunges at Stevie, prompting Floyd to yank Animal’s chain)
Floyd: Heel, Animal! Down! Come on, man! (Animal is not obeying.)
Stevie: Oh, don’t worry, Floyd. I’ve got this under control. (Stevie points her finger at Animal and with a zap of light, he freezes, entranced. Floyd and Kermit stare at her in complete shock.)
Kermit: Wh-wh-wha-wha-WHAT HAPPENED?!!
Floyd: What in the name of Jaco Pastorius was THAT?!!
Stevie: Oh, don’t worry about it. (blows her finger like a smoking gun)
Kermit (slightly nervous): Uhhh…uh, we’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show! (Thunderous applause as the theme music plays. Stevie points her finger at Animal again, and he collapses on the floor. Beauregard, Scooter, Rizzo, the Vampire, and three Chicken Choir members join Stevie, Kermit, Animal and Floyd onstage.)
Balcony Closing:
Waldorf: What did you think of that, Statler?
Statler: Nothing at all.
Waldorf: You mean you don’t have an opinion about it?
Statler: No, it was NOTHING AT ALL!
Both: DOOOOOOOOH-HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!
Da-da-da-da-da-DA! (Final note: BWAAAAA!)
THE END
The Muppets:
Frank Oz as Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Animal, Pop Bottle #1, Goblin, Chickens, and Whatnots
Jerry Nelson as Floyd Pepper, Pops, Dr. Strangepork, Robin, the Announcer, Elderly Whatnot Singer, Devil, Chickens, and Whatnots
Richard Hunt as Scooter, Janice, Statler, Sweetums, Rock Star #2, Vampire, Chickens, and Whatnots
Dave Goelz as Gonzo, Beauregard, Zoot, Rock Star #3, Pop Bottle #2, and Whatnots
Steve Whitmire as Foo-Foo, Rizzo, Lips, Rock Star #1, and Whatnots
Louise Gold as Jenny (puppet), Annie Sue, Chickens, and Whatnots
Kathy Mullen as Trombone Girl, Chickens, and Whatnots
Jim Henson as Kermit, Rowlf, Dr. Teeth, Link Hogthrob, Waldorf, the Newsman, Ghost, and Whatnots
Thanks for reading!
So...I am excited