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THE MUPPET SHOW
with special guest star James Taylor
with special guest star James Taylor
(season 3)
Cold Open:
(A knock at the door, and Scooter enters James Taylor’s dressing room.)
Scooter: James Taylor? Oh, fifteen seconds ‘til curtain, Mr. Taylor!
James: Thanks, Scooter. (James is playing his acoustic guitar when Behemoth and Big Mama enter.)
Behemoth (Jerry Nelson): Hiya, James. Can we see your guitar?
James: Sure. (gives his guitar to Behemoth, who examines it) Be careful with it, though. It’s a good guitar.
Big Mama (Dave Goelz): It is?
James: Yes, it’s a great guitar. Trust me. (Behemoth and Big Mama look at one another. Then Behemoth smashes the guitar, and he and Big Mama eat it.)
Behemoth: YUMMY! You’re right…not bad. But it’s a little stringy. (laughter)
Big Mama: I agree. How about an accordion for dessert?
Behemoth: Sounds good to me. (laughter as the monsters exit, and James stares at the camera in disbelief)
Theme:
Kermit: It’s the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, James Taylor! Yaaaaaayyyy!!! (Curtain rises as the Season 3 theme plays.)
(Up in the balcony, Statler’s chair breaks, sending Statler to the floor.)
Statler: Wha-what happened?!
Waldorf: Your chair broke, Statler! Now you can’t see the stage!
Statler: Yes! My prayers have been answered!
It’s time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppet-ational…
This is what we call THE MUPPET SHOW!!!!
Gonzo’s horn: Gonzo puts down his horn and honks an old-fashioned car horn (the one with the black rubber bulb), making an AROOOO-GA noise.
Introduction/Opening Number:
Kermit: Thank you! Good evening, and welcome to the Muppet Show! I still see lots of people coming in, which hasn’t happened in a…well, ever. (laughter) Sit down anywhere you want…just be careful not to sit on a broken chair.
Statler: Heh, heh! It’s fine! Then you won’t be able to watch this crummy show! (He and Waldorf laugh.)
Kermit: Knock off the jokes, will you? But despite the broken chairs, we have a fantastic singer-songwriter as our guest, Mr. James Taylor! But before we hear from him, we have our own flock of feathered friends with a soaring opening number for you! (Kermit leaves, and the curtain opens.)
A flock of Muppet birds sing “Come Fly with Me” while flying against a sky blue backdrop. Jerry Nelson and Richard Hunt play the bird singers, while Jim, Dave, Frank, and Louise perform other birds throughout. Applause at the end.
Balcony:
(Statler is rubbing his eyes and sniffing.)
Statler: Oh, wow… (sniff)
Waldorf: You liked it THAT much?
Statler: No! There’s something in my eye. And I have a cold. (Statler sneezes.)
Waldorf: Gesundheit. (audience laughs)
Backstage Scene #1:
(The birds enter the backstage area, chirping and cawing loudly.)
Kermit: Good job, guys. But I thought you were going to sing it slower.
Bird Singer (Richard): What do you mean?
Kermit: Well, you really flew through that piece! (laughter)
Bird Singer (Jerry): It doesn’t matter. With that number, our careers will take off! (laughter, then Beauregard enters)
Beauregard: Whew! That was hard work!
Kermit: Oh, hi Beauregard. I see you’ve been quite busy.
Beauregard: Yes I have, Mr. Kermit! I just fixed the back door over there!
Kermit: Good, Bo. You know, you have to do a lot because our carpenter’s sick tonight. This place is falling apart as we speak! (A piece of wood falls from the ceiling, nearly hitting Kermit and Bo.)
Beauregard: I can see that! (laughter from audience)
Kermit: You have to repair the electrical wires, fix the ceiling, change the lights above the stage, fix the floorboards, and keep cleaning, too! Can you do all that?
Beauregard: Yes, I can!
Kermit: Good! And thanks for fixing the door, Bo. I’m glad we won’t have any more problems with it.
Beauregard: No problem, boss! I fixed that door real good! It won’t break again! (Suddenly, a crunch is heard. Animal has pulled the door off its hinges.)
Animal: AAAGGGHH!!! Bad door! (throws the door on the ground, then sees Kermit and Bo staring at him) Saaaaah-rreeeee… (Laughter from audience as Animal exits. Kermit and Bo look at one another.)
Kermit: You were saying?
Beauregard: Oops. (Bo runs off to fix the door again. Then James Taylor exits his dressing room to loud applause and cheers.)
Kermit: Hey, it’s James Taylor! Hi there, James!
James: Hey, Kermit. How’s life going?
Kermit: Well, it’s okay, I guess. You see, our carpenter’s sick, and our janitor Beauregard is filling in for him. So Bo is doing a lot of work…or trying to do a lot of work. Tonight’s going to be a little different…I just hope the show doesn’t go to pieces. (A few tiles fall from the ceiling. James shields his head, and Kermit ducks as the audience laughs.)
James: Hey, it’s all right, Kermit. Not a problem. As long as no one gets hurt, we’re fine. (As Gonzo passes by, a giant tile falls and crushes him.)
Kermit: Hey, Gonzo, are you alright?
(Gonzo gets up with a large bump on his head.)
Gonzo: Oof…Yeah, just a small bump. No big deal. This is nothing. Remember last week, Kermit?
Kermit: I don’t want to remember, but I do. (slightly scrunches mouth)
James: What happened last week?
Gonzo: Oh, I was doing a high wire act on live electrical wires! Cool, huh?
James: That must have been quite shocking. (laughter)
Gonzo: But you should have seen the audience! They lit up!
Kermit: Well, so did you! (laughter from audience as Kermit and James exit)
(Gonzo rubs the bump on his head, then looks up at the ceiling.)
Gonzo: Hey, when is the next tile going to fall? That was great! Do it again! (On cue, another tile smashes Gonzo on the head and Gonzo falls over.)
Musical Number:
Kermit: And now, ladies and gentlemen, tonight we have a wonderful and talented guest with us. He sings, plays the guitar, writes his own songs, and is a really great person. So let’s welcome our special guest, Mr. James Taylor! (Kermit exits, and the audience applauds and cheers as the curtain opens.)
James Taylor performs his hit song “Fire and Rain” with the Country Trio (Jim, Frank, and Jerry). Loud applause at the end.
Balcony:
Waldorf: James Taylor certainly knows how to deliver a song.
Statler: But can he deliver a pizza?
Waldorf: I don’t get it.
Statler: Well, of course not, you old fool. I ordered it! Heh, heh, heh! (Waldorf hits Statler, and they both scrunch their mouths.)
Backstage Scene #2:
(Fozzie approaches Kermit at his desk.)
Fozzie: Hey, Kermit, how’s Bo doing with the repairs?
Kermit: He’s doing fine, Fozzie. Right now he’s repairing the electrical wires in the basement.
Fozzie: I sure hope he knows what he’s doing. It would be very bad if we lost power, or if he got electrocuted.
Kermit: Fozzie, that’s silly. Bo is a professional! We pay him a good deal of money to keep this place in good condition, and he’s being paid extra this week.
Fozzie: How much extra?
Kermit: Uh, an extra two dollars and sixty cents. (laughter) Listen, Fozzie. I’m sure that we will not lose power and that Bo won’t get hurt on the job.
Fozzie: I don’t know, Kermit. I hate to say it…but (whispers to Kermit) he’s not very bright. (laughter from audience)
Kermit (in a scolding tone): Fozzie!
Fozzie: Kermit, I’m just saying: don’t be so sure. You might be eating humble pie soon. (Suddenly, a zapping sound is heard, and Bo screams from the basement. As Fozzie predicts, the power goes out.)
Fozzie: Seeeeee? (The Swedish Chef enters.)
Swedish Chef: Meë-dur-bringeë-dur-frøogee-deë-gøody-höombul-pie! (shows Kermit his freshly baked humble pie)
Kermit: Weird…weird show.
Muppet News Flash:
(The Muppet Newsman enters holding a flashlight to his paper.)
HERE IS A MUPPET NEWS FLASH!!! The Muppet Theater’s loyal janitor, Beauregard, has been injured on the job. Reports state that he was in the basement repairing electrical wires when he was electrocuted. No further details yet, but we will continue to shed light on the subject. (The lights come back on a bit too strong, for when the Newsman looks up, he is blinded and he falls over. Then he stumbles away, rubbing his eyes and mumbling under his breath.)
Balcony:
Waldorf: Heh, I think he’s starting to realize how awful his job is.
Statler: Yes, the LIGHT has finally dawned on him!
Both: Dooooooooooooh-hohohohohohohohohohohoho!!!!
Backstage Scene #3:
(Kermit is with Beauregard, who is lying on his back on a cot with a towel wrapped around his head. The Vet’s Hospital crew is examining Bo.)
Dr. Bob/Rowlf: Hmmm…nothing broken or fractured, but he’ll need some rest. He’s in no shape to do any more work today.
Beauregard: But I have to! I need to fix the lights above the stage, and---and the floorboards, and I have to keep cleaning, too!
Nurse Janice: Like, listen to Dr. Bob! He rully knows how to treat victims of electrocution!
Nurse Piggy: Yes, he has a lot of POWER in such situations! (laughter)
Dr. Bob: That’s because I keep myself informed on all things CURRENT! (Vet’s Hospital crew laughs and exits)
Beauregard: Oh, Kermit, I can’t stay here! The theater needs to be fixed! You need me! I know you do!
Kermit: Hey, Bo, it’s all right. You tried. Just rest, you’ve had a long day. (exits)
Beauregard: Kermit! No! Come back! I have a lot of things to fix! Ohhh… (James Taylor enters and sees a miserable Bo sitting up on the cot.)
James: Hi, Beauregard. What’s wrong?
Beauregard: Oh, James, I tried so hard to get everything fixed. I had to fix the door, the ceiling, the electrical wires, the stagelights, and the floorboards! But I got hurt, and now I can’t do anything! I let them all down! I feel so bad!
James: Bo, calm down. Calm down. Now listen. You didn’t let anyone down. You did the best you could. No one can get on your case for that. Just get some rest, Bo. I’ll sing to you, okay? (Bo nods.)
Beauregard: Okay…sing me a nice quiet song, please. (lies down on his cot)
Musical Number (backstage):
James performs “You’ve Got a Friend,” backed by Kermit, Fozzie, Scooter, Gonzo, the Vet’s Hospital cast, and a couple of birds from the opening tune. Bo is asleep by the end of the piece, and everyone leaves at the end to let him rest. Applause at the end as the scene fades to black.
UK Spot:
An Australian Whatnot (Richard Hunt) sings "Kookaburra" while being pestered by a giant kookaburra (Frank Oz).
Backstage Scene #4:
(Bo is still asleep on the cot. Kermit, Fozzie, Floyd, Gonzo, and Scooter are at Kermit’s desk talking in low voices.)
Kermit: Well guys, Bo’s still asleep, and there’s still a lot to be fixed.
Scooter: Poor Bo. He tried so hard to help, but now he’s hurt.
Floyd: Yeah, I feel bad for the dude, too.
Gonzo: But what can we do about it?
Kermit: Wait! Hold it. (pauses, deep in thought) Is Bo a heavy sleeper?
Floyd: Yeah, it’s very hard to lift him while he’s sleeping! (laughter)
Kermit: Floyd, cut that out. Does anyone know if he’s a heavy sleeper?
Fozzie: Uh, we can test it out! Anyone got a feather? (A chicken walks by, and Fozzie plucks a feather from its tail. The chicken yelps loudly, but Bo does not stir. Fozzie sneaks over to the cot, tickles Bo’s nose with the feather, and shouts “Booga-booga-booga!” Bo sniffs slightly and mumbles, but does not wake up.)
Fozzie: Yep! He’s a heavy sleeper.
Kermit: Good, because I have an idea. Come here. (Fozzie, Scooter, Floyd, and Gonzo surround Kermit, who whispers a plan to them.)
Floyd: Now THAT’s a righteous idea, my little amphibian authority!
Gonzo: So crazy it might just work!
Fozzie: I’m with you, Kermit, old froggy friend!
Scooter: Let’s do it, boss!
Kermit: Great! Let’s get to work. (They run off in different directions.)
Swedish Chef:
The Chef sings the theme song while drumming on the cutting board with two forks, which he tosses over his head. The Chef tries to prepare calamari using a live squid (played by Dave Goelz), but the squid uses its tentacles to attack the Chef and escape from the kitchen.
Balcony:
Statler: Well, the Chef’s done it again.
Waldorf: Done what?
Statler: He’s gotten himself into a sticky SQUID-uation!
Both: Doooooooooh-hohohohohoho!!!
Animal’s Drum Solo:Animal plays a fast-paced solo, but loses his sticks just as he’s about to play the final note. So he hits the drums with his head, and falls over backward in pain.
Musical Number/Backstage Scene #5:
Kermit, Fozzie, Floyd, Scooter, Gonzo, Rowlf, Janice, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Beaker, Annie Sue, Lew Zealand, and James Taylor sing “Whistle While You Work” as they do the rest of Bo’s work. There is applause at the end while everyone quietly leaves the backstage.
Bo wakes up. He yawns, rubs his eyes, and sees that everything has been repaired. He rubs his eyes again to make sure he’s not seeing things.
Beauregard: Wow! I don’t believe this! What a surprise! (looks around) The ceiling has been fixed! And the stagelights! And the floorboards! Everything’s been fixed! But who did this? Hmmm…perhaps it was little elves? Or dwarves? No, wait… (As Bo ponders this, James, Kermit, Fozzie, Floyd, Lew Zealand, Scooter, and Annie Sue sneak up on him.)
Everyone: SURPRISE!!! (Bo does a huge double-take.)
Beauregard: Don’t DO that! You scared me out of my shoes! Look! (points to where his shoes are lying a few yards away)
Kermit: Sorry, Bo. But listen: We know that you wanted to finish the rest your work, but we decided to help you out. We really appreciate what you do for us. Thanks, Beauregard. (Kermit pats Bo on the back.)
Beauregard: Oh, thank you, everyone! Thank you! (Bo starts hugging his friends and shaking their hands.)
Scooter: Now who’s up for some cake? (Everyone cheers until the Swedish Chef arrives with a poorly made cake.)
Scooter: On second thought, let’s finish the show! (laughter from audience)
Kermit: Come on, everyone! Let’s go! (everyone gets ready for the final number)
Closing Number:
Kermit: And now, for a bit of Latin-flavored entertainment, here he is one last time tonight! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. James Taylor! Yaaaaaaaayyyyyy!!! (Curtain opens, revealing Mexican scenery.)
As James Taylor sings “Mexico,” the Muppets have a fiesta, complete with food, a piñata, dancing, and mariachi musicians. Applause and cheers at the end.
Curtain Call:
Kermit: Well, that’s all the time we have for now. But let’s bring out our special guest star again and say thanks to Mr. James Taylor! (Audience applauds and cheers as James enters in a shirt and jeans.)
James: Thanks, Kermit. I had a real good time here.
Kermit: Yeah, and you didn’t mind helping us out backstage with those repairs! We managed to fix the ceiling, the floorboards, the electrical wires---
James: Hold it, Kermit…did we fix the stagelights?
Kermit: Uh, I think so. (A stagelight lands on the stage, startling Kermit and James. Then another one falls.)
James: I knew we forgot something… (shakes head)
Kermit: Uh, we’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show! (Scooter, Animal, Fozzie, Beauregard, and a few Whatnots come onstage in hard hats. Fozzie gives James and Kermit each a hard hat as stage lights keep crashing to the floor.)
Balcony Closing:
Statler: Wow, this theater is such a wreck!
Waldorf: Well, it’s not as much of a wreck as the show itself!
Both: Dooooooooooooh-hohohohohohohoho!!!!
(Final notes: Da-da-da-da-da-DA! Zoot’s note: BWAAAAA!)
THE END
Frank Oz as Miss Piggy, Fozzie, Animal, Giant Kookaburra, Frank, and Others
Jerry Nelson as Floyd Pepper, Lew Zealand, Bird Singer, Behemoth, Jerry, and Others
Richard Hunt as Scooter, Statler, Janice, Beaker, Bird Singer, Australian Whatnot, and Others
Dave Goelz as Gonzo, Beauregard, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Big Mama, Squid, and Others
Louise Gold as Annie Sue and Others
Steve Whitmire as Others
And
Jim Henson as Kermit, the Swedish Chef, Rowlf, Waldorf, the Newsman, Jim, and Others
, 
and 
, and 
and 
. Similar in a way to the idea of friendship in my outline, when Bo's friends help repair the theater. It feels very good incorporating the ideals that Jim established into these stories. Great Muppet Labs & Vet's Hospital skits, too! 
: Soooooorry!!!