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Hey everyone, this is my first attempt at a TMS script. And it has Clifford, Pepe, and Johnny Fiamma in it. 
Go figure. Oh, speaking of figures, I'm going to be acting this script out with my Muppet action figures and having pictures up later. Enjoy!
COLD OPENING
Scooter poked his head into the guest star room.
SCOOTER: Mr. Depp, Mr. Depp, fifteen seconds to curtain Mr. Depp!
Johnny Depp is sitting in the dressing room dressed as Willy Wonka.
JOHNNY DEPP: Thank you Scooter, I’m ready for my big act.
SCOOTER: Why are you dressed as Willy Wonka?
JOHNNY DEPP: Budget cuts.
SCOOTER: Ohh, right. But... How did budget cuts affect your wardrobe?
JOHNNY DEPP: I had to bring my own clothes.
SCOOTER: So you brought your Willy Wonka outfit?
JOHNNY DEPP: Willy Wonka outfit? These are my casual clothes!
THEME SONG
The Muppet Show logo lowers down on the stage and Kermit appears through the "O" in "Show."
KERMIT: It’s The Muppet Show! With our very special guest star, Mr. Johnny Depp! Yaaaaaaaay!
Kermit waves his arms around as the "O" closes. The logo rose from the stage and the band began to play the theme song as the curtains opened, revealing a set of golden arches.
Sweetums marched through the middle arch and onto the stage.
SWEETUMS: Budget cuts, what can ya do?
Female Muppets including Mss Piggy, Janice and Camilla began to parade through the arches on stage.
FEMALE MUPPETS: It’s time to play the music
It’s time to light the lights
It’s time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male Muppets including Clifford, Sam Eagle, the Swedish Chef and Link Hogthrob paraded across a different set of arches.
MALE MUPPETS: It’s time to put on make up
It’s time to dress up right
It’s time to raise the curtains
On The Muppet Show tonight!
Animal played a quick drum solo then Statler and Waldorf delivered their opening comments.
STATLER: I wish we were cut along with the budget!
Back on stage, Kermit is sitting in the middle of the arches and all of the Muppets have gathered around in the arches as well.
KERMIT: But now let’s get things started...
MUPPETS: On the most sensational
Inspirational
Celebrational
Muppetational
This is what we call
The Muppet Show!
The logo is lowered back over the stage with The Great Gonzo in the "O". He blows hard on his trumpet, and nothing happens. He blows again, and still, nothing, he blows one more long blow, then collapses in the "O". Rizzo finally comes out and picks up the horn, and blows a note.
RIZZO: Nice. ...Gonzo?
OPENING ACT
KERMIT: Thank you! Thank you! And welcome again to The Muppet Show! Despite our lack of funding lately, our spirits are still high! Now, for our opening-
Scooter’s voice calls from off stage.
SCOOTER: Boss, wrap it up, we don’t have enough money in the budget for a long intro!
Kermit scrunches up his face and looked out at the audience.
KERMIT: Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo.
Kermit walked off stage as the curtains slid open, revealing Gonzo standing in the center of the stage.
GONZO: Good evening again, ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, I, the Great Gonzo, will balance an H2 Hummer on my nose while doing impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Kermit runs on stage next to Gonzo.
KERMIT: Uh, sorry Gonzo, but thanks to the budget cuts, we couldn’t afford your Hummer.
GONZO: Oh! Okay, no worries, I always have a back up act! Instead ladies and gentlemen, I shall leap from a cherry picker into a vat of lime gelatin while-
KERMIT: Negative Gonzo, we sold our cherry picker and Animal ate our lime gelatin.
GONZO: Flaming life jackets of death?
KERMIT: Nope.
GONZO: Death defying domino tower?
KERMIT: Sorry.
GONZO: Well what do we have?
KERMIT: Sam Eagle’s book of standards and practices.
GONZO: I’ve succeeded with less!
KERMIT: You haven’t succeeded at all!
GONZO: ...That’s never stopped me before!
KERMIT: Good point. I’ll be right back.
Kermit leaves and returns with a book for Gonzo.
KERMIT: Good luck.
Kermit leaves the stage again and Gonzo reads through the book.
GONZO: "Liberate, penetrate, and enunciate, words of wisdom from a bird of wisdom." Hmm, I get it now! Whoo!
Gonzo runs off stage.
STATLER AND WALDORF
STATLER: That was one of the worst acts I’ve ever seen!
WALDORF: He didn’t even do anything, what do we have to complain about?
STATLER: The fact that he didn’t do anything!
WALDORF: Why would we complain? It made the show better!
BOTH: Do ho ho ho!
BACKSTAGE
Kermit is sitting at his desk, rummaging through bills, when Fozzie runs up to him.
FOZZIE: Hey, hey Kermit!
KERMIT: Yes Fozzie?
FOZZIE: When do I go on?
KERMIT: Um, well, you’re welcome to come out during the goodbyes.
FOZZIE: No, no, silly frog! When do I go out and do my act?
KERMIT: Uh, Fozzie, didn’t anyone tell you?
FOZZIE: Tell me what?
KERMIT: We had to cut your act.
FOZZIE: Wha- What? But I worked so hard on it! Here, here, listen! So I was walking down the-
KERMIT: Fozzie, we couldn’t afford to keep your act in.
FOZZIE: Why not?
KERMIT: Not enough people paid attention.
FOZZIE: Ahh! That’s fun-nee! Maybe you should do a monologue!
KERMIT: Actually, Johnny is.
FOZZIE: Johnny Fiamma gets to do an act and I don’t?
KERMIT: Johnny Depp and Johnny Fiamma get to do an act and you don’t.
Floyd walks up to Kermit’s desk.
FLOYD: Man, I’m likin’ these budget cuts already! Heh heh heh! What’s the chance we get to cut miss ham-hock too?
KERMIT: We thought about that, but we didn’t want to deal with diced ham.
FOZZIE: Where do you get all this material?
KERMIT: Good grief... I’ve gotta go introduce the next act, sorry Fozzie.
Fozzie sighed as Kermit walked out to the stage.
FOZZIE: (to camera) Why is it always my act that gets cut?
SWEDISH CHEF SKETCH
The Swedish Chef’s kitchen was the set on stage during the next sketch. The Chef had a chicken laying across his counter top to prepare for cooking.
SWEDISH CHEF: Hellu zeere-a! In oorder tu help veet zee boodget oots I’fe-a deceeded tu sell sundveeches tu zee oodeeence-a! Tuneeght’s sundveech is cheeckee seled!
BACKSTAGE
KERMIT: Who said the Chef could make chicken?!
CLIFFORD: Not like anyone could understand what he was asking anyway.
SWEDISH CHEF SKETCH
CHEF: Und noo, I’ll prepere-a zee cheecke sundveeches veet my troosty sev und cleefer!
STAGE LEFT
Off stage, Gonzo is perched in his cannon holding a walkie talkie.
GONZO: Rizzo? Come in Rizzo!
SWEDISH CHEF SKETCH
Rizzo pokes out from one of the cabinets in the Swedish Kitchen.
RIZZO: Rat-tat-tooie to Weirdo, I read ya loud and clear Weirdo.
STAGE LEFT
GONZO: Good! Then commence plan 81A!
Pepe is standing at the base of Gonzo’s cannon.
PEPE: Hey, how come I don’t get a walkie-talkie?
GONZO: You don’t need one!
PEPE: Si, I do! I want to feel special too, hokay?
GONZO: Just light the cannon!
PEPE: Fine, fine, whatever. But jou owe me moneys, don’t forget.
GONZO: I’m sure you won’t let me. Ready? LIGHT ME!
Pepe lights the cannon, sending Gonzo flying out and the cannon firing backwards, landing on Pepe.
PEPE: Hey! Jou never paid me, hokay?!
SWEDISH CHEF SKETCH
Gonzo lands on top of the Chef and the Chef begins to flail about. Meanwhile, Rizzo sneaks out from the cabinet and mounts the chicken.
RIZZO: Hi-ho Silver Wing!
The chicken rides off with Rizzo on top while Gonzo continues to fight the Chef.
SWEDISH CHEF: Oh! Gettoof me veirdo!
BACKSTAGE
Kermit and Clifford watch as the chicken runs by with Rizzo on its back.
KERMIT: Good grief, we better get something on stage, quick.
CLIFFORD: Well, all we’ve got left is Lew Zealand and his boomerang fish.
KERMIT: Sheesh... Tell Lew to get all his fish on stage immediately.
CLIFFORD: He’s only got one left, we sold the rest.
KERMIT: ...Just tell him to get out there!
SWEDISH CHEF SKETCH
GONZO: Whoo! This is more fun than being locked in a limo with three polar bears!
Clifford pushes Lew Zealand out on stage holding a boomerang fish. Gonzo and the Chef stop wrestling long enough to watch Lew’s act.
LEW ZEALAND: What am I- Oh! Hi! My name is Lew Zealand! And this is my boomerang fish act! I throw my fish a-way!
Lew threw the fish out into the audience.
LEW ZEALAND: And it comes back to me! ...It comes back to me!
The fish doesn’t come back and the Chef and Gonzo look at each other.
LEW ZEALAND: ...This is usually when I throw another fish.
GONZO: Well throw something else!
LEW ZEALAND: Like what?
SWEDISH CHEF: Hoorl dee cleefer!
The Swedish Chef hands Lew a meat cleaver.
LEW ZEALAND: Ah! Thanks! I throw the cleaver a-way-
Beaker is pushed out on stage and tackles Lew before he can throw the cleaver away.
BEAKER: Mee me mo mo meep me mo!
LEW ZEALAND: My act!
SWEDISH CHEF: My keetchee!
GONZO: My exit!
Gonzo leaps off of the Chef and darts backstage. The three Muppets on stage continue to argue as the curtains close on them.
STATLER AND WALDORF
STATLER: I think the show’s improving!
WALDORF: How so?
STATLER: They’re not even finishing the sketches, so it’s like we’re not even watching them!
BOTH: Do ho ho ho!
BACKSTAGE
KERMIT: Gonzo, what kind of insane stunt was that?
Gonzo runs by Kermit.
GONZO: Can’t talk now Kermit!
Gonzo runs into Miss Piggy’s dressing room and slams the door.
KERMIT: This won’t end well...
ON STAGE
Johnny Fiamma and Johnny Depp are standing together on a colorful background.
JOHNNY FIAMMA: Hey, Johnny babe, it’s great to see ya. My Ma’s one of your biggest fans.
JOHNNY DEPP: Well thanks Johnny, that’s always good to hear.
JOHNNY FIAMMA: Yeah, now before we star this song here, I’m gonna need a cannoli break. (Calling offstage) Sal, where’re those cannolis I ordered? (Aside to Johnny Depp) You can never find good help these days...
Scooter runs on stage.
SCOOTER: Uh, Johnny, bad news, we had to cut Sal with the budget.
JOHNNY FIAMMA: ...I’m sorry... I don’t follow...
SCOOTER: We had to fire Sal.
JOHNNY FIAMMA: ...Wha? You...Ya fired my monkey?!
SCOOTER: I’m afraid so.
JOHNNY FIAMMA: Bu-But-But he didn’t even get paid!
SCOOTER: That’s why we had to fire him. Sorry. Good luck with the song!
Scooter runs offstage.
JOHNNY DEPP: Wow... Hey, Johnny, sorry about that mate, I know it must be tough.
JOHNNY FIAMMA: Tough?! TOUGH?! You have no idea what tough IS until you’ve lost your gentleman’s monkey!
JOHNNY DEPP: Hey, how ‘bout this to make you feel better... A song.
JOHNNY FIAMMA: (sniff) Maybe...
JOHNNY DEPP: Come with me
And you’ll be
In a world of pure imagination.
Take a look
And you’ll see
Into your imagination.
We’ll begin
With a spin-
Animal runs out on stage.
ANIMAL: SPIN! SPIN!
Animal begins to spin Johnny Depp around.
JOHNNY FIAMMA: I see what you’re gettin’ at here... Travellin’ in
The world of my creation
What we’ll see
Will defy
Explanation.
Sweetums stomps out on stage carrying a cannon.
JOHNNY DEPP: (still spinning) What are you doing?
SWEETUMS: Defyin’ explanation! Bwa ha!
JOHNNY DEPP: If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it-
Miss Piggy struts on stage.
MISS PIGGY: You’re viewing it right now.
JOHNNY DEPP: (stops spinning) Anything you want
Do it
Wanna change the world?
There’s nothing to it.
JOHNNY DEPP AND JOHNNY FIAMMA: There is no
Life I know
To compare
To pure imagination.
JOHNNY DEPP AND THE MUPPETS: Living there
You’ll be free...
If you truly...
Wish
To
Be...
JOHNNY DEPP: Come with me...
JOHNNY FIAMMA: I get it now. I’ve gotta make up an imaginary Sal! Thanks Johnny! (Runs off)
STATLER AND WALDORF
STATLER: I wish MY imagination worked that well!
WALDORF: Why’s that?
STATLER: Then I could imagine us away from this awful show!
BOTH: Do ho ho ho!
BACKSTAGE
KERMIT: Great number, great number.
JOHNNY FIAMMA: (Talking to no one.) Alright, Sal, I want you to steam i-ron my clothes for the next number. And don’t give me any of that big lip of yours, got it?
KERMIT: Good grief... (Into intercom.) Pigs In Space on stage! Pigs In Space!
PIGS IN SPACE
ANNOUNCER: Piiiiiiiigs In Spaaaaaaaaaaaaace! When we last left our heroically hammy heroes, the evil Darth Butcher was firing upon the S.S. Swinetrek with massive force.
FIRST MATE PIGGY: GAH! Captain Link! We must do something!
CAPTAIN LINK HOGTHROB: Don’t look at me!
DR. JULIUS STRANGEPORK: You twit! You’re the captain! You have to be able to think on your feet in all situations!
CAPTAIN LINK HOGTHROB: (Knocked over by laser shaking ship.) How can I think on my feet when I can’t even stay standing?
DR. JULIUS STRANGEPORK: Quickly! Activate the ray shield!
Scooter pokes his head through the door of the Swinetrek.
SCOOTER: Bad news, we had to sell the ray shield due to the budget cuts. (Exits.)
FIRST MATE PIGGY: Fine then! Someone get me the dissolvatron!
Scooter pokes his head back in.
SCOOTER: Sorry, we had to sell that too. You wouldn’t believe what fans will buy these days. (Exits.)
DR. JULIUS STRANGEPORK: Well what sort of weapons do we have left?
FIRST MATE PIGGY: Well, Link’s brain could be used as a weapon of mass destruction, if used the right way.
CAPTAIN LINK HOGTHROB: Hey, I have ideas sometimes.
FIRST MATE PIGGY: Alright lead head, what do you propose we do?
CAPTAIN LINK HOGTHROB: Propose? Oh, well First Mate Piggy, although I greatly disapprove of inter-space crew relationships... (Kneels down on one knee.) First Mate Piggy, will you marry me?
DR. JULIUS STRANGEPORK: I hear wedding bells!
FIRST MATE PIGGY: No! You hear ambulance sirens! HI-YA!
First Mate Piggy karate chops Captain Link Hogthrob offstage.
FIRST MATE PIGGY: END SCENE!
BACKSTAGE
Miss Piggy storms backstage.
MISS PIGGY: Kermie, I want that oaf fired. Now.
KERMIT: Cool it Piggy, I’ll take care of it. Besides, don’t you have to get changed for your next number?
MISS PIGGY: Ooh! You’re right! Adios mon capitan! (Runs off into dressing room.)
KERMIT: Wait a second... Piggy, Gonzo is-
MISS PIGGY’S DRESSING ROOM
MISS PIGGY: Oh, I must hurry up and change. Johnny Depp- (to camera) the sexiest man alive- will be waiting for moi to do the closing number.
Miss Piggy walks over to her closet and opens it. A chicken flies out at her.
MISS PIGGY: AH! What have I said about live stock in moi’s dressing room?!
Miss Piggy shoos out the chicken and grabs out her feather boa from the closet. She moves over to her vanity. She hears some clucking from behind it, and more chickens pop out.
MISS PIGGY: Alright, whose poultry?!
Rizzo is hiding amongst the chickens, hoping Miss Piggy doesn’t see him.
CHICKENS: Brawk bagawk bawk!
RIZZO: Uh... cluck?
Miss Piggy grabs Rizzo out of the poultry pile.
MISS PIGGY: Alright vermin, what’s going on here?!
RIZZO: Uh... well, ya see... Run Gonzo!!
Gonzo pops out from behind Miss Piggy’s desk and begins to herd the chickens out of the room.
MISS PIGGY: Get back here hanger nose! (Tosses Rizzo.) (Chases after Gonzo.)
RIZZO: Hey! Gonzo, you promised me a pizza! (Chases after Gonzo.)
BACKSTAGE
Gonzo and the chickens run by Kermit’s desk and out onto the stage.
KERMIT: Gonzo? Wait, Sam is-
Miss Piggy runs by Kermit’s desk.
KERMIT: Piggy? Hold on, we-
Rizzo runs by Kermit’s desk.
KERMIT: Rizzo? Please guys we’re-
The Swedish Chef runs by shooting his blunderbuss and shouting.
KERMIT: Chef?! Oh boy...
SAM EAGLE SPEECH
SAM EAGLE: -and that is why the pecan pie is distinctly un-American as compared to apple pi-
Gonzo and the chickens run in front of Sam’s podium, followed by Miss Piggy and Rizzo.
SAM EAGLE: ...Now that was also distincly un-
The Swedish Chef collides with Sam.
SWEDISH CHEF: Un floor hunder de chickees!
The Swedish Chef runs off after the chickens.
SAM EAGLE: Like I said, distinctly un-
The curtains close on Sam.
STATLER AND WALDORF
STATLER: Did you learn anything from that speech?
WALDORF: Yeah, we’re distinctly out of our minds to be at this show every night!
BOTH: Do ho ho ho!
KERMIT INTRO
KERMIT: Hi ho again! Well, we’re just about to bring another one to a close, but first, and last, here is our closing number. Ladies and gentlemen, mister Johnny Depp!
CLOSING NUMBER
Johnny Depp is prepared to sing "Hooray for Hollywood" with Rowlf accompanying him on the piano.
JOHNNY DEPP: Hooray for Hollywood
That screwy, ballyhooey Hollywood!
ROWLF: Where any office boy
Or young mechanic
Can be in panic
With just a good looking pan.
Gonzo, the Chickens, and Rizzo run across the stage, screaming.
JOHNNY DEPP: ...There’s the screwy and ballyhooey, alright.
Miss Piggy runs onto the stage.
MISS PIGGY: GET BACK HERE MEATBALL!
Johnny Depp grabs Miss Piggy by her shoulders.
JOHNNY DEPP: Piggy, Piggy, easy. What’s all the hub-bub?
MISS PIGGY: *star stuck* Oh... Johnny, dear, nothing, nothing. Moi was just coming out here to sing with... vous.
ROWLF: Johnny, we send out our deepest apologies.
JOHNNY DEPP: No apologies needed Rowlf. It’s always been a dream of mine to sing with you Miss Piggy.
MISS PIGGY: Really? HA! Eat that flea bait.
JOHNNY DEPP: Miss Piggy?
MISS PIGGY: Yes mon capitan Sparrow?
JOHNNY DEPP: Can we finish the song?
MISS PIGGY: Oh, of course.
Hooray for Hollywood
Where any barmaid
Can be a star maid
If she dances with or without a fan.
ROWLF: With, please.
JOHNNY DEPP: Hooray for Hollywood
Where you’re terrific
Even if you’re good.
ROWLF: Where anyone at all
From Shirley Temple
To Amy Semple
Is equally understood.
MISS PIGGY: And if you try your luck
You could be Donald Duck.
ROWLF, MISS PIGGY, and JOHNNY DEPP: Hooray for Hollywood!
The Swedish Chef runs on stage waving his blunderbuss.
SWEDISH CHEF: Ya hoobre de floor!
Kermit runs on stage as well.
KERMIT: Alright gang, everybody sing!
The Muppets fill the stage, including Clifford, Uncle Deadly, Scooter, Fozzie, Rizzo, Pepe, Gonzo, Zoot, Floyd, Janice, and Johnny Fiamma.
THE MUPPETS: Hooray for Hollywood
That phony, super coney Hollywood.
KERMIT and JOHNNY DEPP: They come from Chillicothes and Padukahs-
FOZZIE: Where?
MISS PIGGY: -With their bazookas
To get their names up in lights
All armed with photos
From local rotos.
JOHNNY DEPP: With their hair in ribbons
And their legs in tights.
KERMIT: Final verse! Everybody sing!
THE MUPPETS: Hooray for Hollywood
You may be homely in your neighborhood
But if you think that you can an actor
See Mr. Factor, he'd make a monkey look good
With a half an hour, you'll look like Tyrone Power
Hooray for Hollywood!
The audience claps loudly.
GOODNIGHTS
KERMIT: Well, that about ends it for this weeks episode of The Muppet Show. But how ‘bout one more round of applause for our wonderful guest star, Mr. Johnny Depp!
Johnny Depp comes on stage to more applause.
JOHNNY DEPP: Thank you Kermit, I had a great time my friend.
KERMIT: Well that’s great. Sorry about the budget cuts and everything.
JOHNNY DEPP: Don’t worry about it. Just get to that closing theme song.
KERMIT: We can’t.
JOHNNY DEPP: Why not?
KERMIT: We had to cut the house band with the budget.
JOHNNY DEPP: Well how are we going to close the show?
KERMIT: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the amazing Marvin Suggs and the Muppaphone, performing the closing theme song!
The Muppets rush the stage as Marvin Suggs plays the closing number on the Muppaphone.
STATLER AND WALDORF
WALDORF: If we’re lucky, there won’t be anything left after these budget cuts! ...Statler?
Statler is gone. Next to Waldorf is Pepe.
WALDORF: Where’s Statler?
PEPE: We cut him with de budgets, hokay?
WALDORF: Lucky duck.
CLOSING THEME
MUPPAPHONE: Ow! OW! OW!!
Go figure. Oh, speaking of figures, I'm going to be acting this script out with my Muppet action figures and having pictures up later. Enjoy!COLD OPENING
Scooter poked his head into the guest star room.
SCOOTER: Mr. Depp, Mr. Depp, fifteen seconds to curtain Mr. Depp!
Johnny Depp is sitting in the dressing room dressed as Willy Wonka.
JOHNNY DEPP: Thank you Scooter, I’m ready for my big act.
SCOOTER: Why are you dressed as Willy Wonka?
JOHNNY DEPP: Budget cuts.
SCOOTER: Ohh, right. But... How did budget cuts affect your wardrobe?
JOHNNY DEPP: I had to bring my own clothes.
SCOOTER: So you brought your Willy Wonka outfit?
JOHNNY DEPP: Willy Wonka outfit? These are my casual clothes!
THEME SONG
The Muppet Show logo lowers down on the stage and Kermit appears through the "O" in "Show."
KERMIT: It’s The Muppet Show! With our very special guest star, Mr. Johnny Depp! Yaaaaaaaay!
Kermit waves his arms around as the "O" closes. The logo rose from the stage and the band began to play the theme song as the curtains opened, revealing a set of golden arches.
Sweetums marched through the middle arch and onto the stage.
SWEETUMS: Budget cuts, what can ya do?
Female Muppets including Mss Piggy, Janice and Camilla began to parade through the arches on stage.
FEMALE MUPPETS: It’s time to play the music
It’s time to light the lights
It’s time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male Muppets including Clifford, Sam Eagle, the Swedish Chef and Link Hogthrob paraded across a different set of arches.
MALE MUPPETS: It’s time to put on make up
It’s time to dress up right
It’s time to raise the curtains
On The Muppet Show tonight!
Animal played a quick drum solo then Statler and Waldorf delivered their opening comments.
STATLER: I wish we were cut along with the budget!
Back on stage, Kermit is sitting in the middle of the arches and all of the Muppets have gathered around in the arches as well.
KERMIT: But now let’s get things started...
MUPPETS: On the most sensational
Inspirational
Celebrational
Muppetational
This is what we call
The Muppet Show!
The logo is lowered back over the stage with The Great Gonzo in the "O". He blows hard on his trumpet, and nothing happens. He blows again, and still, nothing, he blows one more long blow, then collapses in the "O". Rizzo finally comes out and picks up the horn, and blows a note.
RIZZO: Nice. ...Gonzo?
OPENING ACT
KERMIT: Thank you! Thank you! And welcome again to The Muppet Show! Despite our lack of funding lately, our spirits are still high! Now, for our opening-
Scooter’s voice calls from off stage.
SCOOTER: Boss, wrap it up, we don’t have enough money in the budget for a long intro!
Kermit scrunches up his face and looked out at the audience.
KERMIT: Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo.
Kermit walked off stage as the curtains slid open, revealing Gonzo standing in the center of the stage.
GONZO: Good evening again, ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, I, the Great Gonzo, will balance an H2 Hummer on my nose while doing impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Kermit runs on stage next to Gonzo.
KERMIT: Uh, sorry Gonzo, but thanks to the budget cuts, we couldn’t afford your Hummer.
GONZO: Oh! Okay, no worries, I always have a back up act! Instead ladies and gentlemen, I shall leap from a cherry picker into a vat of lime gelatin while-
KERMIT: Negative Gonzo, we sold our cherry picker and Animal ate our lime gelatin.
GONZO: Flaming life jackets of death?
KERMIT: Nope.
GONZO: Death defying domino tower?
KERMIT: Sorry.
GONZO: Well what do we have?
KERMIT: Sam Eagle’s book of standards and practices.
GONZO: I’ve succeeded with less!
KERMIT: You haven’t succeeded at all!
GONZO: ...That’s never stopped me before!
KERMIT: Good point. I’ll be right back.
Kermit leaves and returns with a book for Gonzo.
KERMIT: Good luck.
Kermit leaves the stage again and Gonzo reads through the book.
GONZO: "Liberate, penetrate, and enunciate, words of wisdom from a bird of wisdom." Hmm, I get it now! Whoo!
Gonzo runs off stage.
STATLER AND WALDORF
STATLER: That was one of the worst acts I’ve ever seen!
WALDORF: He didn’t even do anything, what do we have to complain about?
STATLER: The fact that he didn’t do anything!
WALDORF: Why would we complain? It made the show better!
BOTH: Do ho ho ho!
BACKSTAGE
Kermit is sitting at his desk, rummaging through bills, when Fozzie runs up to him.
FOZZIE: Hey, hey Kermit!
KERMIT: Yes Fozzie?
FOZZIE: When do I go on?
KERMIT: Um, well, you’re welcome to come out during the goodbyes.
FOZZIE: No, no, silly frog! When do I go out and do my act?
KERMIT: Uh, Fozzie, didn’t anyone tell you?
FOZZIE: Tell me what?
KERMIT: We had to cut your act.
FOZZIE: Wha- What? But I worked so hard on it! Here, here, listen! So I was walking down the-
KERMIT: Fozzie, we couldn’t afford to keep your act in.
FOZZIE: Why not?
KERMIT: Not enough people paid attention.
FOZZIE: Ahh! That’s fun-nee! Maybe you should do a monologue!
KERMIT: Actually, Johnny is.
FOZZIE: Johnny Fiamma gets to do an act and I don’t?
KERMIT: Johnny Depp and Johnny Fiamma get to do an act and you don’t.
Floyd walks up to Kermit’s desk.
FLOYD: Man, I’m likin’ these budget cuts already! Heh heh heh! What’s the chance we get to cut miss ham-hock too?
KERMIT: We thought about that, but we didn’t want to deal with diced ham.
FOZZIE: Where do you get all this material?
KERMIT: Good grief... I’ve gotta go introduce the next act, sorry Fozzie.
Fozzie sighed as Kermit walked out to the stage.
FOZZIE: (to camera) Why is it always my act that gets cut?
SWEDISH CHEF SKETCH
The Swedish Chef’s kitchen was the set on stage during the next sketch. The Chef had a chicken laying across his counter top to prepare for cooking.
SWEDISH CHEF: Hellu zeere-a! In oorder tu help veet zee boodget oots I’fe-a deceeded tu sell sundveeches tu zee oodeeence-a! Tuneeght’s sundveech is cheeckee seled!
BACKSTAGE
KERMIT: Who said the Chef could make chicken?!
CLIFFORD: Not like anyone could understand what he was asking anyway.
SWEDISH CHEF SKETCH
CHEF: Und noo, I’ll prepere-a zee cheecke sundveeches veet my troosty sev und cleefer!
STAGE LEFT
Off stage, Gonzo is perched in his cannon holding a walkie talkie.
GONZO: Rizzo? Come in Rizzo!
SWEDISH CHEF SKETCH
Rizzo pokes out from one of the cabinets in the Swedish Kitchen.
RIZZO: Rat-tat-tooie to Weirdo, I read ya loud and clear Weirdo.
STAGE LEFT
GONZO: Good! Then commence plan 81A!
Pepe is standing at the base of Gonzo’s cannon.
PEPE: Hey, how come I don’t get a walkie-talkie?
GONZO: You don’t need one!
PEPE: Si, I do! I want to feel special too, hokay?
GONZO: Just light the cannon!
PEPE: Fine, fine, whatever. But jou owe me moneys, don’t forget.
GONZO: I’m sure you won’t let me. Ready? LIGHT ME!
Pepe lights the cannon, sending Gonzo flying out and the cannon firing backwards, landing on Pepe.
PEPE: Hey! Jou never paid me, hokay?!
SWEDISH CHEF SKETCH
Gonzo lands on top of the Chef and the Chef begins to flail about. Meanwhile, Rizzo sneaks out from the cabinet and mounts the chicken.
RIZZO: Hi-ho Silver Wing!
The chicken rides off with Rizzo on top while Gonzo continues to fight the Chef.
SWEDISH CHEF: Oh! Gettoof me veirdo!
BACKSTAGE
Kermit and Clifford watch as the chicken runs by with Rizzo on its back.
KERMIT: Good grief, we better get something on stage, quick.
CLIFFORD: Well, all we’ve got left is Lew Zealand and his boomerang fish.
KERMIT: Sheesh... Tell Lew to get all his fish on stage immediately.
CLIFFORD: He’s only got one left, we sold the rest.
KERMIT: ...Just tell him to get out there!
SWEDISH CHEF SKETCH
GONZO: Whoo! This is more fun than being locked in a limo with three polar bears!
Clifford pushes Lew Zealand out on stage holding a boomerang fish. Gonzo and the Chef stop wrestling long enough to watch Lew’s act.
LEW ZEALAND: What am I- Oh! Hi! My name is Lew Zealand! And this is my boomerang fish act! I throw my fish a-way!
Lew threw the fish out into the audience.
LEW ZEALAND: And it comes back to me! ...It comes back to me!
The fish doesn’t come back and the Chef and Gonzo look at each other.
LEW ZEALAND: ...This is usually when I throw another fish.
GONZO: Well throw something else!
LEW ZEALAND: Like what?
SWEDISH CHEF: Hoorl dee cleefer!
The Swedish Chef hands Lew a meat cleaver.
LEW ZEALAND: Ah! Thanks! I throw the cleaver a-way-
Beaker is pushed out on stage and tackles Lew before he can throw the cleaver away.
BEAKER: Mee me mo mo meep me mo!
LEW ZEALAND: My act!
SWEDISH CHEF: My keetchee!
GONZO: My exit!
Gonzo leaps off of the Chef and darts backstage. The three Muppets on stage continue to argue as the curtains close on them.
STATLER AND WALDORF
STATLER: I think the show’s improving!
WALDORF: How so?
STATLER: They’re not even finishing the sketches, so it’s like we’re not even watching them!
BOTH: Do ho ho ho!
BACKSTAGE
KERMIT: Gonzo, what kind of insane stunt was that?
Gonzo runs by Kermit.
GONZO: Can’t talk now Kermit!
Gonzo runs into Miss Piggy’s dressing room and slams the door.
KERMIT: This won’t end well...
ON STAGE
Johnny Fiamma and Johnny Depp are standing together on a colorful background.
JOHNNY FIAMMA: Hey, Johnny babe, it’s great to see ya. My Ma’s one of your biggest fans.
JOHNNY DEPP: Well thanks Johnny, that’s always good to hear.
JOHNNY FIAMMA: Yeah, now before we star this song here, I’m gonna need a cannoli break. (Calling offstage) Sal, where’re those cannolis I ordered? (Aside to Johnny Depp) You can never find good help these days...
Scooter runs on stage.
SCOOTER: Uh, Johnny, bad news, we had to cut Sal with the budget.
JOHNNY FIAMMA: ...I’m sorry... I don’t follow...
SCOOTER: We had to fire Sal.
JOHNNY FIAMMA: ...Wha? You...Ya fired my monkey?!
SCOOTER: I’m afraid so.
JOHNNY FIAMMA: Bu-But-But he didn’t even get paid!
SCOOTER: That’s why we had to fire him. Sorry. Good luck with the song!
Scooter runs offstage.
JOHNNY DEPP: Wow... Hey, Johnny, sorry about that mate, I know it must be tough.
JOHNNY FIAMMA: Tough?! TOUGH?! You have no idea what tough IS until you’ve lost your gentleman’s monkey!
JOHNNY DEPP: Hey, how ‘bout this to make you feel better... A song.
JOHNNY FIAMMA: (sniff) Maybe...
JOHNNY DEPP: Come with me
And you’ll be
In a world of pure imagination.
Take a look
And you’ll see
Into your imagination.
We’ll begin
With a spin-
Animal runs out on stage.
ANIMAL: SPIN! SPIN!
Animal begins to spin Johnny Depp around.
JOHNNY FIAMMA: I see what you’re gettin’ at here... Travellin’ in
The world of my creation
What we’ll see
Will defy
Explanation.
Sweetums stomps out on stage carrying a cannon.
JOHNNY DEPP: (still spinning) What are you doing?
SWEETUMS: Defyin’ explanation! Bwa ha!
JOHNNY DEPP: If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it-
Miss Piggy struts on stage.
MISS PIGGY: You’re viewing it right now.
JOHNNY DEPP: (stops spinning) Anything you want
Do it
Wanna change the world?
There’s nothing to it.
JOHNNY DEPP AND JOHNNY FIAMMA: There is no
Life I know
To compare
To pure imagination.
JOHNNY DEPP AND THE MUPPETS: Living there
You’ll be free...
If you truly...
Wish
To
Be...
JOHNNY DEPP: Come with me...
JOHNNY FIAMMA: I get it now. I’ve gotta make up an imaginary Sal! Thanks Johnny! (Runs off)
STATLER AND WALDORF
STATLER: I wish MY imagination worked that well!
WALDORF: Why’s that?
STATLER: Then I could imagine us away from this awful show!
BOTH: Do ho ho ho!
BACKSTAGE
KERMIT: Great number, great number.
JOHNNY FIAMMA: (Talking to no one.) Alright, Sal, I want you to steam i-ron my clothes for the next number. And don’t give me any of that big lip of yours, got it?
KERMIT: Good grief... (Into intercom.) Pigs In Space on stage! Pigs In Space!
PIGS IN SPACE
ANNOUNCER: Piiiiiiiigs In Spaaaaaaaaaaaaace! When we last left our heroically hammy heroes, the evil Darth Butcher was firing upon the S.S. Swinetrek with massive force.
FIRST MATE PIGGY: GAH! Captain Link! We must do something!
CAPTAIN LINK HOGTHROB: Don’t look at me!
DR. JULIUS STRANGEPORK: You twit! You’re the captain! You have to be able to think on your feet in all situations!
CAPTAIN LINK HOGTHROB: (Knocked over by laser shaking ship.) How can I think on my feet when I can’t even stay standing?
DR. JULIUS STRANGEPORK: Quickly! Activate the ray shield!
Scooter pokes his head through the door of the Swinetrek.
SCOOTER: Bad news, we had to sell the ray shield due to the budget cuts. (Exits.)
FIRST MATE PIGGY: Fine then! Someone get me the dissolvatron!
Scooter pokes his head back in.
SCOOTER: Sorry, we had to sell that too. You wouldn’t believe what fans will buy these days. (Exits.)
DR. JULIUS STRANGEPORK: Well what sort of weapons do we have left?
FIRST MATE PIGGY: Well, Link’s brain could be used as a weapon of mass destruction, if used the right way.
CAPTAIN LINK HOGTHROB: Hey, I have ideas sometimes.
FIRST MATE PIGGY: Alright lead head, what do you propose we do?
CAPTAIN LINK HOGTHROB: Propose? Oh, well First Mate Piggy, although I greatly disapprove of inter-space crew relationships... (Kneels down on one knee.) First Mate Piggy, will you marry me?
DR. JULIUS STRANGEPORK: I hear wedding bells!
FIRST MATE PIGGY: No! You hear ambulance sirens! HI-YA!
First Mate Piggy karate chops Captain Link Hogthrob offstage.
FIRST MATE PIGGY: END SCENE!
BACKSTAGE
Miss Piggy storms backstage.
MISS PIGGY: Kermie, I want that oaf fired. Now.
KERMIT: Cool it Piggy, I’ll take care of it. Besides, don’t you have to get changed for your next number?
MISS PIGGY: Ooh! You’re right! Adios mon capitan! (Runs off into dressing room.)
KERMIT: Wait a second... Piggy, Gonzo is-
MISS PIGGY’S DRESSING ROOM
MISS PIGGY: Oh, I must hurry up and change. Johnny Depp- (to camera) the sexiest man alive- will be waiting for moi to do the closing number.
Miss Piggy walks over to her closet and opens it. A chicken flies out at her.
MISS PIGGY: AH! What have I said about live stock in moi’s dressing room?!
Miss Piggy shoos out the chicken and grabs out her feather boa from the closet. She moves over to her vanity. She hears some clucking from behind it, and more chickens pop out.
MISS PIGGY: Alright, whose poultry?!
Rizzo is hiding amongst the chickens, hoping Miss Piggy doesn’t see him.
CHICKENS: Brawk bagawk bawk!
RIZZO: Uh... cluck?
Miss Piggy grabs Rizzo out of the poultry pile.
MISS PIGGY: Alright vermin, what’s going on here?!
RIZZO: Uh... well, ya see... Run Gonzo!!
Gonzo pops out from behind Miss Piggy’s desk and begins to herd the chickens out of the room.
MISS PIGGY: Get back here hanger nose! (Tosses Rizzo.) (Chases after Gonzo.)
RIZZO: Hey! Gonzo, you promised me a pizza! (Chases after Gonzo.)
BACKSTAGE
Gonzo and the chickens run by Kermit’s desk and out onto the stage.
KERMIT: Gonzo? Wait, Sam is-
Miss Piggy runs by Kermit’s desk.
KERMIT: Piggy? Hold on, we-
Rizzo runs by Kermit’s desk.
KERMIT: Rizzo? Please guys we’re-
The Swedish Chef runs by shooting his blunderbuss and shouting.
KERMIT: Chef?! Oh boy...
SAM EAGLE SPEECH
SAM EAGLE: -and that is why the pecan pie is distinctly un-American as compared to apple pi-
Gonzo and the chickens run in front of Sam’s podium, followed by Miss Piggy and Rizzo.
SAM EAGLE: ...Now that was also distincly un-
The Swedish Chef collides with Sam.
SWEDISH CHEF: Un floor hunder de chickees!
The Swedish Chef runs off after the chickens.
SAM EAGLE: Like I said, distinctly un-
The curtains close on Sam.
STATLER AND WALDORF
STATLER: Did you learn anything from that speech?
WALDORF: Yeah, we’re distinctly out of our minds to be at this show every night!
BOTH: Do ho ho ho!
KERMIT INTRO
KERMIT: Hi ho again! Well, we’re just about to bring another one to a close, but first, and last, here is our closing number. Ladies and gentlemen, mister Johnny Depp!
CLOSING NUMBER
Johnny Depp is prepared to sing "Hooray for Hollywood" with Rowlf accompanying him on the piano.
JOHNNY DEPP: Hooray for Hollywood
That screwy, ballyhooey Hollywood!
ROWLF: Where any office boy
Or young mechanic
Can be in panic
With just a good looking pan.
Gonzo, the Chickens, and Rizzo run across the stage, screaming.
JOHNNY DEPP: ...There’s the screwy and ballyhooey, alright.
Miss Piggy runs onto the stage.
MISS PIGGY: GET BACK HERE MEATBALL!
Johnny Depp grabs Miss Piggy by her shoulders.
JOHNNY DEPP: Piggy, Piggy, easy. What’s all the hub-bub?
MISS PIGGY: *star stuck* Oh... Johnny, dear, nothing, nothing. Moi was just coming out here to sing with... vous.
ROWLF: Johnny, we send out our deepest apologies.
JOHNNY DEPP: No apologies needed Rowlf. It’s always been a dream of mine to sing with you Miss Piggy.
MISS PIGGY: Really? HA! Eat that flea bait.
JOHNNY DEPP: Miss Piggy?
MISS PIGGY: Yes mon capitan Sparrow?
JOHNNY DEPP: Can we finish the song?
MISS PIGGY: Oh, of course.
Hooray for Hollywood
Where any barmaid
Can be a star maid
If she dances with or without a fan.
ROWLF: With, please.
JOHNNY DEPP: Hooray for Hollywood
Where you’re terrific
Even if you’re good.
ROWLF: Where anyone at all
From Shirley Temple
To Amy Semple
Is equally understood.
MISS PIGGY: And if you try your luck
You could be Donald Duck.
ROWLF, MISS PIGGY, and JOHNNY DEPP: Hooray for Hollywood!
The Swedish Chef runs on stage waving his blunderbuss.
SWEDISH CHEF: Ya hoobre de floor!
Kermit runs on stage as well.
KERMIT: Alright gang, everybody sing!
The Muppets fill the stage, including Clifford, Uncle Deadly, Scooter, Fozzie, Rizzo, Pepe, Gonzo, Zoot, Floyd, Janice, and Johnny Fiamma.
THE MUPPETS: Hooray for Hollywood
That phony, super coney Hollywood.
KERMIT and JOHNNY DEPP: They come from Chillicothes and Padukahs-
FOZZIE: Where?
MISS PIGGY: -With their bazookas
To get their names up in lights
All armed with photos
From local rotos.
JOHNNY DEPP: With their hair in ribbons
And their legs in tights.
KERMIT: Final verse! Everybody sing!
THE MUPPETS: Hooray for Hollywood
You may be homely in your neighborhood
But if you think that you can an actor
See Mr. Factor, he'd make a monkey look good
With a half an hour, you'll look like Tyrone Power
Hooray for Hollywood!
The audience claps loudly.
GOODNIGHTS
KERMIT: Well, that about ends it for this weeks episode of The Muppet Show. But how ‘bout one more round of applause for our wonderful guest star, Mr. Johnny Depp!
Johnny Depp comes on stage to more applause.
JOHNNY DEPP: Thank you Kermit, I had a great time my friend.
KERMIT: Well that’s great. Sorry about the budget cuts and everything.
JOHNNY DEPP: Don’t worry about it. Just get to that closing theme song.
KERMIT: We can’t.
JOHNNY DEPP: Why not?
KERMIT: We had to cut the house band with the budget.
JOHNNY DEPP: Well how are we going to close the show?
KERMIT: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the amazing Marvin Suggs and the Muppaphone, performing the closing theme song!
The Muppets rush the stage as Marvin Suggs plays the closing number on the Muppaphone.
STATLER AND WALDORF
WALDORF: If we’re lucky, there won’t be anything left after these budget cuts! ...Statler?
Statler is gone. Next to Waldorf is Pepe.
WALDORF: Where’s Statler?
PEPE: We cut him with de budgets, hokay?
WALDORF: Lucky duck.
CLOSING THEME
MUPPAPHONE: Ow! OW! OW!!
