The Muppet Show Outline - Jamie Farr

[D'Snowth]

Prepare yourselves the WORST Muppet Show outline ever as it's written by me, but anyhoo, here's my outline for Jamie Farr...

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KERMIT: It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Mr. Jamie Farr!

Opening Theme:

It's time to play the music/it's time to light the lights/it's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight...

It's time to put on make-up/it's time to dress up right/it's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight...

FOZZIE: My mother always did say I was "high-maintenance"... but then again, MY idea of the "BEAR necessities" are anything but!

KERMIT: To introduce our guest star/that's what I'm here to do/so it really makes me happy to introduce to you... Mr. Jamie Farr!

Curtain pulls back to reveal Jamie and Gonzo comparing each other's noses.

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppet-tational, this is what we call The Muppet Show!

Gonzo sees there's nothing to hit inside the 'O', so he hits himself in the head.

KERMIT: (Walks out on stage) Thank you, thank you, welcome again to our show, tonight our special guest star is Mr. Jamie Farr, so we know this is going to be a blast!

Crazy Harry pops up.

CRAZY HARRY: (Pops up) Did somebody say "blast"?

KERMIT: Uh... no, nobody said "blast"!

CRAZY HARRY: Are you sure? Because I was certain I heard SOMEBODY say "blast"...

KERMIT: No Harry, nobody said "blast"!

CRAZY HARRY: THERE! YOU SAID IT AGAIN!

With that, Harry pushes down his plunger and blasts the stage, then laughs hysterically as he runs off. Kermit starts coughing and waves the smoke out of his vision.

KERMIT: (Coughs) Yes, well... (Coughs) I'll have a talk with him... (Coughs) well, and now, let's get things started with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem with "Good Thing"!

Certain is pulled back to reveal the Electric Mayhem as they begin to cover Paul Revere and the Raiders' "Good Thing", with Floyd doing solo.

FLOYD: (Sings to Janice) Seems this world has got you down/you're feelin' bad vibrations 'round/Well open you eyes girl, look at me...

ANIMAL: (Shouts) LOOK AT ME!

FLOYD: (Continues singing) I'm gonna show you how it outta be...

ANIMAL: (Shouts) OUTTA BE!

FLOYD: (Continues singing) We're gonna have a good thing...

ANIMAL: (Shouts) GOOD THING!

FLOYD: (Continues singing) Such a good thing baby, and when your world don't seem just right, and life's gettin' you uptight, you can change that wrong to right...

ANIMAL: (Shouts) WRONG TO RIGHT!

FLOYD: (Continues singing) 'Cause I was there myself last night, girl...

ANIMAL: (Shouts) THERE LAST NIGHT!

FLOYD: (Continues singing) We're gonna have a good thing...

ANIMAL: (Shouts) GOOD THING!

FLOYD: (Continues singing) Such a good thing baby... I won't have no one around...

ANIMAL: (Shouts) TO BE BRING YOU DOWN! DOWN! DOWN! DOWN!

FLOYD: (Continues singing) Well it's a groovy world, girl, let me bring you to a...

ANIMAL: (Shouts) GOOD! GOOD! GOOD! GOOD!

FLOYD: (Continues singing) Such a good thing, girl! You can't please them all, should you try? They don't care if you live or die, 'cause they're losers, what a shame...

ANIMAL: (Shouts) CRYIN' SHAME!

FLOYD: (Continues singing) I'm gonna show you to a brand new game, girl...

ANIMAL: (Shouts) BRAND NEW GAME!

FLOYD: (Continues singing) We're gonna have a good thing...

ANIMAL: (Shouts) GOOD THING!

FLOYD: (Continues singing) Such a good thing, girl! I won't tell you, no, no, lies, when I'm through you'll realize, for the first time it seems right...

ANIMAL: (Shouts) FEELS SOOOOOOOOOOO RIGHT!

FLOYD: (Continues singing) I'm gonna stay right here tonight, girl....

ANIMAL: (Shouts) STAY TONIGHT!

FLOYD: (Continues singing) We'll really have a good thing...

ANIMAL: (Shouts) GOOD THING!

FLOYD: (Continues singing) Such a good thing, girl, and nobody...

ANIMAL: (Shouts) NO ONE AROUND, TO BRING YOU DOWN! DOWN! DOWN! DOWN!

FLOYD: (Continues singing) It's a groovy world, girl, let me bring you to a...

ANIMAL: (Shouts) GOOD! GOOD! GOOD! GOOD! THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

OTHERS: (Sings the closing) Good thing babyyyyyyyy, good thing babyyyyyyyyyyyyy, good thing babyyyyyyyyy, good thing babyyyyyyyyyyyyy...

Will post chapter two later.

 

[D'Snowth]

And now for some more of this sucky outline...

Meanwhile, up in the balcony...

WALDORF: You know, there was ONE good thing about that performance.

STATLER: What's that?

WALDORF: It just came to an end!

Statler and Waldorf start chuckling as Hilda meets with Jamie in his dressing room.

HILDA: Oh Mr. Farr, what did you want to see me for?

JAMIE: Well Hilda, you know I've got this big duet to do with Miss Piggy tonight...

HILDA: Yes...

JAMIE: I was just wondering, do you have any idea what she'll be wearing tonight?

HILDA: Oh, well, I'm not too sure, Miss Piggy hasn't really decided on anything just yet.

JAMIE: Oh gee, that's a real shame! I really wanted to know what she was wearing... I thought I could wear the exact same outfit, you know, then we could look like twins out on stage!

HILDA: Oh my... well, I suppose I could go check on her and then get back with you, and um... see about a fitting for you...

JAMIE: Oh, would you?

HILDA: I guess...

With that Hilda walks out of Jamie's dressing room, as he looks into the camera.

JAMIE: What can I say, I like to DRESS for success!

 

[D'Snowth]

Time for the next chapter, and this time, we're looking in on the talking houses...

HOUSE #1: You know, my brother invited his poker buddies over the other night.

HOUSE #2: Really? And how did that go?

HOUSE #1: He had a full-house.

MUPPET NEWSMAN: (Runs in) This is a Muppet News Flash! A major traffic jam got even worse today after Mr. J.P. Dillard was accused of repeatedly honking his horn while behind a squad car. Mr. Dillard had this to say...

This screen reveals Mr. Dillard as played by Jamie.

MR. DILLARD: (Sniffles) I couldn't help myself... I've had this nasty little cold all week long, and I... I... I...

Mr. Dillard then sneezes, so he pulls out a hanky and blows his nose, which then precedes to make loud honking noises, startling the Muppet newsman so much that his glasses literally fly off. Meanwhile, backstage...

KERMIT: Stand by for the next act...

GEORGE: Hey Frog, where's Scooter?

KERMIT: Oh he's helping prepare the next act, why?

GEORGE: I need him to gofer the meatball who's car alarm won't shut up!

 

[D'Snowth]

At the dance...

MILDRED: George, old boy, please, slow down will you?

GEORGE: Meh... alright...

George slows down, meanwhile...

LOUD WOMAN: I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT! YOU KNOW, FOR SOME STRANGE REASON MY THROAT HAS BEEN JUST SO SORE FOR THE PAST SEVERAL DAYS!

WHATNOT MAN: Gee, that's funny, my ears have been sore for the past several days!

LOUD WOMAN: WHOA! WHAT AN UNBELIEVABLE COINCIDENCE!

Elsewhere...

WHATNOT PIG: So, you're saying Porky Pig is your favorite cartoon character?

MISS PIGGY: Of course, I just adore anyone who can bowties.

Back to George and Mildred...

MILDRED: George, darling, now you're dancing too slow!

GEORGE: Make up your mind will ya?

MILDRED: Well...

And then...

BERT: Ernie, this doesn't seem right...

ERNIE: Well, it certainly doesn't seem left either Bert. (Snickers)

Meanwhile, up in the balcony, Statler starts yawning.

STATLER: (Yawns)

WALDORF: Sleepy?

STATLER: Nope.

WALDORF: Tired?

STATLER: Nope.

WALDORF: Exhausted?

STATLER: Nope.

WALDORF: Then what are you?

STATLER: I'm an old man for cryin' out loud!

 

[D'Snowth]

Sorry, no U.K. spot, sorry let's move on to...

Kermit chats with Jamie, who is seen wearing a very flamboyant mint-green colored dress and a matching hat with a big pink flower in it.

KERMIT: Well Jamie, it certainly is great to have you here tonight.

JAMIE: Hey, thanks Kermit! It's great to be here, I feel like I fit right in with all of you Muppets!

KERMIT: Yeah, that certainly is an... interesting dress you have on.

JAMIE: Yeah, Hilda made it for me, Miss Piggy is wearing the same thing for the duet we're doing later on in the show!

KERMIT: Yeah, you know, maybe perhaps Corporal Klinger might like to try it on sometime!

JAMIE: That's the idea! I thought I'd pull a Klinger on everyone tonight and wear a dress.

KERMIT: Speaking of which, let me ask you something, will Klinger EVER get a Section 8?

JAMIE: If he hasn't gotten one by now, I don't think he ever will.

KERMIT: Too bad.

JAMIE: But yeah, I thought I'd wear this so Miss Piggy and I could look like twins, but apparently she's not the only one around here who looks like me.

KERMIT: Oh?

JAMIE: Yeah, don't you think the Great Gonzo and I look a lot alike?

KERMIT: Hmm, I don't know, let me see. (Calls off stage) Hey Gonzo? Could you come here for a minute?

Gonzo then walks in wearing the exact same dress.

GONZO: What is it, Kermit?

KERMIT: Eek... Gonzo, what are you doing in that dress?

GONZO: Well, I saw it in Hilda's workshop, and I thought I'd try it on to see if I might find myself attractive if I were a single woman looking for a... a... a whatever...

KERMIT: (Scrunches face) Yeah... well, could you just stand next to Jamie here for a second?

GONZO: (Stands next to Jamie) Yeah sure, what for?

KERMIT: Well, I just want to see... hey you know... I think your right Jamie, you and Gonzo look an awful lot alike.

JAMIE: I thought so.

GONZO: And I thought I had a funny-looking nose!

Jamie bursts into laughter as Miss Piggy walks in, already dressed for her duet.

MISS PIGGY: Kermie, I'd like to talk to...

Piggy sees Jamie and Gonzo wearing the exact same thing she's wearing.

MISS PIGGY: (Getting mad) Oh... I see others have worn the exact same thing I've worn.

JAMIE: Well, you know what they say, "imitation is the most sincere form of flattery".

MISS PIGGY: (Looks at Gonzo) And what's YOUR excuse, weirdo?

GONZO: Me? Oh, well... I...

Just then Miss Piggy gives Gonzo a big karate chop, then starts beating on Jamie, as he tries to explain himself to her, but to no avail. She continues to chase them offstage, as Kermit slowly walks backstage as well.

KERMIT: Sheesh.

Just then Scooter walks in.

SCOOTER: Hey Kermit?

KERMIT: What is it?

SCOOTER: Well, Kermit I don't want to upset you or anything, but could it be possible for me to have a small increase in my pay this week?

KERMIT: An increase? Scooter, I can't afford to give you an increase in your pay THIS week, or any OTHER week!

SCOOTER: Well, gee, I was hoping you could help me out here, after all, my uncle...

KERMIT: I'll DOUBLE your pay for the week!

SCOOTER: Gee, thanks Kermit!

Scooter happily skips off as Kermit scrunches up his face again.

 

[D'Snowth]

Dang, I KNEW this outline was going to suck real bad, no one's read this thing and it's been up all night long!

SAM THE AMERICAN EAGLE: And now, here they are, the "Donny and Marie" of our show, the "Paul and Paula" of The Muppet Show... Wayne and Wanda...

Curtain pulls back to reveal Wanda lying in bed, while Wayne packs up his suitcase.

WANDA: (Singing) Wake me up before you go-go, don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo...

WHATNOT BUSINESS MAN: (Walks in) Honey, I'm home! Sorry I didn't wake you, but you were sleeping so soundly, I didn't want do disturb you.

Wayne and Wanda groan as the curtain closes, as Kermit walks back out.

KERMIT: Okay, now once again its time for our resident funny-man...

STATLER: No...!

KERMIT: The furriest of fursters...

WALDORF: Don't say it...!

KERMIT: MR. FOZZIE BEAR!

The curtain opens to reveal Fozzie preparing for another monologue.

FOZZIE: Wocka! Wocka! Wocka! Thank you, thank you, and thank you!

WALDORF: Please!

STATLER: SANTCUARY!

FOZZIE: Pay no attention to those two guys up there folks, they have no sense of humor... that's why I thought I'd help them out... (Grabs a bag of change) that's why I got them $50's worth, ALL of it in cents!

Statler and Waldorf pause.

STATLER: Is that bear seriously trying to buy us?

FOZZIE: No, I'm just trying to help you gain some more CENTS of humor! Wocka! Wocka! Wocka!

The curtain then closes on Fozzie.

WALDORF: Some help he was.

STATLER: Yeah, he really doesn't have any common CENTS does he?

Statler and Waldorf start chuckling.

 

[D'Snowth]

Let's try this again...

Here's a sketch featuring Jamie as, of all things, a gypsie running a story-telling booth, as a bunch of Whatnot kids gather around.

JAMIE: Ah, children! Gather 'round, I have a story to tell!

WHATNOT KID #1: Yeah? What kind of story?

JAMIE: Oh, well, I'd like to tell you, but you're gonna have to cough up some dough first.

WHATNOT KID #2: Oh yeah? Are you trying to rip us off?

JAMIE: Who me? Never! (Says something in Lebanese) It means "if I fail my brother, may my camel lose his hump"! 50 cents, please.

So with that, the Whatnot kids dropped quarters into the can Jamie had on his booth that was scribbled with "50 sints".

JAMIE: Ah, wonderful! Now, for the exciting tale of a very hungry wolf...

WHATNOT KID #3: How hungry was he?

JAMIE: He was so hungry, he could eat a horse!

Just then, off to the side, a large Muppet wolf was seen shoving a Muppet horse into his mouth.

WHATNOT KID #1: Golly!

JAMIE: Not only did that wolf eat three square meals a day... he eat them every hour ON the hour... he ate like a bird... and he liked to eat them too!

Off to the side, the wolf grabbed the three Muppet birds as seen in the "Sex and Violence" pilot and shoved them down his mouth as well.

WHATNOT KID #2: Why was the wolf so hungry?

JAMIE: Because when he was a pup, his mother fed him yummy little boys and girls for his supper...

The Whatnot kids began to yelp in horror.

JAMIE: But once the young wolf went on his own, he couldn't find any little boys or girls for his supper, as they were the only things that could fill him up, thus, he began eating like a pig!

The wolf then grabs a couple of Miss Piggy's friends and starts to eat them as well.

JAMIE: To this day, he still searches everywhere for little boys and girls so his belly can finally be full, and nothing will stand in his way...

By this time, the wolf had eaten the trees that stood next to Jamie's booth, and he then moved in on the Whatnot kids and he began to eat them as well. Once he did that, he burped really loud.

JAMIE: Hey, what kept ya? You're five minutes late!

WOLF: Eh, sorry boss, I got held up.

JAMIE: I told you to take the bus!

WOLF: I did, by the way, the tires on those Greyhounds are too tough!

Meanwhile, back stage...

KERMIT: Oh gee... I hope those children come out alright, I'd hate to break the truth to their mothers...

Just then, the wolf walked by, but stopped as he saw Kermit.

WOLF: Oh yum! Frog's legs!

KERMIT: Oh no you don't!

With that Kermit ran off until he found himself in the middle of the stage again.

 

[The Count]

So how's that gonna help Kermit? Wouldn't've the wolf run out on stage after him too?
C'meon Snowths, post more!

 

[D'Snowth]

Kermit rans out on stage, but pauses for a brief second...

KERMIT: (Frantically) And once again ladies, and gentlemen, our special guest, Mr. Jamie Farr... AAHHHHHHHHH!

Kermit runs off as the wolf runs after him, but stops when he realized he's on stage.

WOLF: Oh, hey! (Clears his throat, and starts singing) Oh I'm called "Little Buttercup", dear "Little Buttercup", when I...

Just then a long cane came out and yanked the wolf offstage as the curtains opened to reveal Jamie and Miss Piggy in matching dresses.

JAMIE: (Starts singing) When you're all dressed up with no place to go...

MISS PIGGY: (Singing) Life seems weary, dreary, and slow...

JAMIE: (Singing) My heart has ached and bled for the tears I've shed...

MISS PIGGY: (Singing) When I've no place to go, unless I went back to bed...

JAMIE: (Singing) I've had a sad, sad life, and whenever I go...

MISS PIGGY: (Singing) To that peaceful spot where the violets grow...

JAMIE: (Singing) Upon a nice white stone will be written below...

JAMIE and MISS PIGGY: (Singing) We were all dressed up with no place to go!

Jamie and Piggy start waltzing as the musicians watch.

ANIMAL: (Whispers to Floyd) Wo-man?

FLOYD: (Whispers) Nah man, just chill out!

Animal nodded as Jamie and Piggy resume singing.

JAMIE and MISS PIGGY: (Harmonizing) When you're all dress up with no place to go/life seems weary, dreary, and slow/my heart has ached and bled for the tears I've shed/when I've had no place to go unless I went back to bed/I've had a sad, sad life and whenever I go to that peaceful spot where the violets grow/upon a small white stone will be written below/we were all dressed up with no place to go!

Up in the balcony...

WALDORF: I saw the ugliest woman today!

STATLER: Which one?

WALDORF: BOTH of them!

Statler and Waldorf start chuckling.

KERMIT: Thank you, thank you, we hope you enjoyed the show tonight featuring the amazing talented, and remarkably fashionable Mr. Jamie Farr!

JAMIE: (Still in his dress) Thanks a lot Kermit, I had a great time!

KERMIT: Yeah, usually at this point we like to present out guests with Muppet likenesses of themselves, but Gonzo refused to go

JAMIE: Aw, that's alright!

Just then, Miss Piggy walked out.

MISS PIGGY: Oh Jamie, I had a wonderful time with you tonight.

JAMIE: Same here Miss Piggy, you were terrific!

MISS PIGGY: Yes, I was, wasn't I?

KERMIT: (Scrunches face) Yyyyyyyeah...

MISS PIGGY: Oh, and Kermie? I had a wonderful time with Jamie... but make sure this is the last time I catch ANYONE on this show wearing the exact same thing I am!

KERMIT: Yeah, whatever Miss Piggy...

Just then, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Wayne, Wanda, the Whatnots, AND the wolf walk out on stage wearing the exact same dress, as Hilda follows closely behind.

HILDA: Oh Kermit, I do believe I've FINALLY been able to please EVERYONE on this show!

WOLF: Hey, uh, do you think this dress brings out the color of my eyes?

Miss Piggy blew her cork and started to give everyone karate chops.

KERMIT: Uh... well, thanks again, and we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

The closing credits roll on, and after they do, we find Statler and Waldorf up in the balcony, ALSO wearing the exact same dress.

STATLER and WALDORF: (Singing) Oh I feel pretty... oh-so pretty...

Thus ending the worst Muppet Show outline in the history of Muppet Central.

 

[The Count]

Hey... Whoever this Snowths kid is, he sure did a good job for his first attempt. Maybe we should get Gorgon on the phone to see if he'd take this Snowths under his arm.
Thanks pal.
*Zoot blows last note ending this review, on a good note.