Tales from the Marvelous World: "A Day at Pym Technologies"

[muppetwriter]

From the same universe I've created with Doctor Who and the Marvelous Muppets, here's a series of short stories featuring and chronicling their work at Pym Tech, which may or may not involve certain heroes from the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Enjoy the first one!

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Day One: "The Mind Swap Test"

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BUNSEN: “Greetings! Welcome to Pym Technologies – where big ideas tend to get small. I am Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, lead researcher for Pym Tech’s ‘Muppet Labs’ division, and today, we will demonstrate our latest experiment: the Decision Maker!”

{Cut to Muppet/Pym Labs interior. Bunsen stands beside a rather nervous-looking SCOTT LANG who sits between Dr. Honeydew and his assistant, BEAKER.}

BUNSEN: “The primary function of the Decision Maker allows for its wearer to make the most difficult decisions in times of duress. Here to demonstrate our invention is our friend and willing participant, Scott Lang.”

LANG: (with one finger raised in protest) “Uh, just for clarity: I’m only participating because I was promised free food.”

BUNSEN: “Yes, of course. What Mr. Lang is referring to are the choices we’re offering him for our experiment. But first…Beaker, if you will place the Decision Maker on Mr. Lang’s head.”

BEAKER: “Meep, meep!”

{Beaker places the device on Lang’s head. It looks like a blue swimming cap with several wires connected to it.}

LANG: (his eyes cross as he nervously looks on the helmet placed upon his head) “Um…are you guys really sure this thing’s safe?”

BUNSEN: “That’s what you’re here to find out for us.”

LANG: (anxiously) “WHAT?!”

BUNSEN: “Just relax, Mr. Lang. Remember the free food.”

LANG: (calmly, in-between breaths) “Right, right. Remember the free food. Remember the free food.” (He claps his hands with excitement) “Alright! I’m ready! Bring it on, guys!”

BUNSEN: “That’s the spirit! Beaker, bring in the first pick.”

BEAKER: “Meep.” (He carries in a rather large hot, steamy slice of pepperoni pizza and sets it on the table in front of Lang.) “Mmm! Meep! Meep!”

BUNSEN: “Yes, Beaker. It is so very tantalizing.”

LANG: (his mouth watering) “Ohhh, man! Is that from PizzeRizzo’s?”

BUNSEN: “Indeed it is. We’ve added just a dash of Pym Particles to give it that jumbo-sized kick of satisfaction.”

LANG: “You guys are the best. Gotta say, I am loving this experiment already.”

{Lang reaches for the pizza to eat, until Bunsen slaps his hand.}

LANG: “Ow! What the…?”

BUNSEN: “Not yet, Mr. Lang. You haven’t seen your second choice yet. Beaker…”

{Beaker brings in a plate of heaping piles of nachos, topped with guacamole, setting it right across from the pizza.}

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LANG: (laughs) “O.K., guys. O.K. I see what you’re doing here now. But the helmet’s…it’s not necessary. You already won me with the jumbo-sized pizza.”

BUNSEN: “Ah, but you haven’t tried Muppet Labs’ special-made guacamole – a combination of twelve Mexican spices, six of which haven’t yet been discovered in America.”

{Coaxed, Lang takes a nacho chip, dips into the guacamole, and eats.}

LANG: (melting in his seat) “Ohhhhh, man! That’s the best guacamole I’ve ever tasted in my life!” (He dips another chip, offering it to Beaker.) “Ya gotta try one.”

BEAKER: (in panic) “Meep-Meep-Meep-Meep!” (His head partially sinks into his collar, shielding his mouth.)

BUNSEN: “Oh, I’m afraid Beaker cannot eat the guacamole, Mr. Lang. He is severely allergic to Mexican spices. No, only you are allowed to have it, but you can only have the nachos or the pizza.”

LANG: (flustered) “Oh, wow. Between the smell of that pizza and that one bite of the guac, I’m totally stumped on which I wanna eat.”

BUNSEN: “And that is where the Decision Maker comes in handy. With just the flip of a switch, the helmet will allow Mr. Lang to choose between the pizza and the nachos. Beaker, if you will…flip the switch!”

{Beaker goes to the control console that the helmet is wired to. He flips the switch, but sparks suddenly fly out of the console. Beaker is caught in an electrical charge by volts shooting through the lever. Lang is caught in the same charge sent through the helmet. After a few seconds of electrocution, both men pass out.}

BUNSEN: (numbs on his fingers nervously) “Oh, dear. That was not supposed to happen.” (He goes to Lang first and then to Beaker.) “M-Mr. Lang? Beakie? A-Are either of you alright?”

{HOPE VAN DYNE enters the lab, donned in her Wasp suit.}

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HOPE: “Scott, are you…?” (She sees what has happened in the lab and is beyond confused.) “What went on in here? Why’s Scott face-down in a plate of nachos?”

BUNSEN: “Well, you see, Miss Hope, we were…”

HOPE: “You know what…I don’t have time for this.” (She rushes over to Lang and lifts his face out of the nachos.) “Scott, wake up!” (She slaps him across the face and his eyes snap open.) “C’mon. Dad just got word about a stolen shipment en route to an abandoned HYDRA facility. We gotta go.”

LANG: (in a daze) “Meep…Meep?”

HOPE: (cringes at him) “Did you just say ‘meep’? Is that really your best Beaker impersonation? C’mon, Scott. Stop playing around.”

{Hope drags him out of the lab. The Decision Maker falls off Lang’s head as they exit.}

BEAKER: (emerging from behind the control console) “Ugh! What happened? Why does my head hurt? And why does it feel like my body is wrapped up in foam?”

BUNSEN: “Mr. Lang? Your voice is coming out of Beaker’s body!”

BEAKER/LANG: “What?!” (He looks in the nearest mirror and sees Beaker’s reflection.) “HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!”

BUNSEN: “It would seem the discharge between the helmet and the machine transferred your consciousness into Beaker and Beaker’s consciousness into you! Oh, dear! That would mean Miss Hope took Beaker away on that dangerous mission, instead of you! He doesn’t have the proper training you’ve had with the Ant-Man suit!”

BEAKER/LANG: “We gotta patch in with Hope and tell her that isn’t me!”

BUNSEN: “Already on it!”

{Bunsen keys into a nearby computer and brings up a live feed from the helmet of Hope van Dyne’s Wasp suit. We can see a fifty-foot Ant-Man – or GIANT-MAN, for emphasis – causing mayhem over San Francisco.}

LANG/BEAKER: (in loud, booming voice via monitor) "MEEP! MEEP!"

BEAKER/LANG: (while nervously munching on the nachos) “Aw, man! That’s the biggest I think I’ve ever gotten.”

BUNSEN: “That’s the biggest Beaker’s ever gotten!” (He speaks into the microphone of his computer.) “Miss Hope! Do you hear me? This is Dr. Bunsen Honeydew! I’m afraid I have some troubling news!”

HOPE: (via monitor) “Get in line! What did you guys do to Scott?!”

BUNSEN: “That’s just it: that is not Mr. Lang! It’s Beaker!”

HOPE: (bewildered and enraged) “WHAT?!”

BUNSEN: “You have to shrink him back down to normal size before he loses consciousness! At that size, he’s bound to fall and crush half of San Francisco!”

HOPE: “Don’t worry. I know just what to do.” (then to herself, in a whisper) “Just like Pier 39 all over again.”

{Hope flies to the Giant-Man and into the regulator of his suit, right along the belt. With some quick fiddling, she successfully shrinks Lang/Beaker back to normal size. Some minutes later, she returns him to the lab and Bunsen reverses the process that swapped Lang and Beaker in the first place.}

LANG: (smacking his lips) “I need an entire bowlful of orange slices.”

HOPE: (sighs) “We got some in the kitchen, just for these circumstances. C’mon.”

{As Hope and Lang leave, Beaker’s body begins to convulse.}

BUNSEN: “Beaker? Are you alright? You’re not suffering any after-effects from the mind swap, are you?”

BEAKER: “M-M-M-M-M-M-Meeeeeeeeep!!!!!”

{As Beaker convulses more and more wildly, he hands Bunsen the now-empty plate of nachos.}

BUNSEN: (now realizing) “The guacamole! Oh, Beaker! Mr. Lang ate it all while he was in your body!”

BEAKER: “MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!”

{Suddenly, Beaker’s head pops, leaving a cloud of smoke seeping out from his headless torso. His body appears to still be responsive, as his hands reach up to his collar, feeling the hole where his head once was.}

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BUNSEN: (stunned yet amused) “Oh, my. That is quite the allergic reaction.” (He clears his throat and addresses the camera in a formal manner.) “Well, I suppose that concludes today’s experiment. Beaker and I will return soon with another invention created here at Pym Technologies – where big ideas tend to get small.”

{END OF FOOTAGE.}