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Sam and Friends BookThe sun rises above the city of Utica, glancing off the polished brass plaque on a door which states, "3976th½ T*K*O". Beauregard rubs the plaque with a duster.
BEAUREGARD: (To camera) “Shine T*K*O”, she says, “use this duster and polish till you can see your face in it”, she said. (Holds up duster and examines it) I'll never see my face in this old thing! (Pause) But, hey, these dirt dots look like Madonna.
Move on up the building, to shimmer through the glass window of the central office, where Vic Romano is tapping away at his computer busily at… um… work?
VIC ROMANO: Seven onto six. Six onto five.
MrsPepper's office door creeps open and her shadow rises from the floor up Vic R's chair.
VIC ROMANO: Queen onto Jack. King onto Queen, and I WIN!
He leaps up in victory, sees MrsPepper stood directly behind him, and sits back down.
VIC ROMANO: I win! I WIN…-Dows Explorer is blocking me out of Muppet Central, darn it, so I'm trying to make good use of my time.
Episode #: 45
Title: “The Initial Problem”
Original Airdate: 31-Jan-2007
Written by: Beauregard
Created by: MrsPepper
Guest Stars: heralde, ReneeLouvier, christyb, Sammie-Rose, EmmyMik, and Super Scooter
Special Celebrity Guest Appearances By: Richard Hunt, Steve Whitmire, Bill Barretta, and the Cows Who Say Mwoo
MRSPEPPER: (Adjusts glasses) Really.
She leans over, clicks the computer to open MC.
MRSPEPPER: Odd that. It looks just fine to me.
VIC ROMANO: Oh! MrsPepper you are a miracle worker!
MRSPEPPER: (Deadpan) Flattery will not bring you a raise. (Pokes at screen) What are these, eh? The BBB thread. The RHLC thread. And the… SWAEHB, is it? They don't appear to be very dead. Look here. Three posts in SWAEHB today. Thirteen in RHLC. (Pause) Thirty in BBB... what do they talk about in that place anyway? Tell me, what are these initial-named threads all about?
VIC ROMANO: If I knew, I'd know.
MRSPEPPER: Find out. And then... (Steps to the window so that her face is masked in shadow) Wipe. Them. Out. (Turns) All of them.
VIC ROMANO: We may need more tissues.
MRSPEPPER: (Turns) To wipe them out?
VIC ROMANO: Um, no, just because TogetherAgain has been writing tortuous stories again.
MRSPEPPER: (To camera) Great… something else I just don't get.
Cut to a meeting of the T*K*O crew in the cafeteria. Vibs, the Joke Killer, is sat at a desk with TogetherAgain. ThePrawnCracker writes a note on a paper-airplane and shoots it across the room to TogetherAgain. Vic stands on a table at the front. Everyone's talking.
VIC ROMANO: As you may not have noticed…
They keep talking.
VIC ROMANO: As you MAY have NOT noticed.
They keep talking
VIC ROMANO: AS YOU MAY NOT HAVE NOTICED!
… You get the picture.
VIC ROMANO: … I AM TRYING TO TALK HERE!!!
Silence, then-
VIBS: Oops. Sorry, we just didn't notice-ish.
EVERYONE: VIBS!
VIC ROMANO: I guess I asked for that. Listen, as you may, or may not, have noticed there are a series of threads that are threatening our careers, threads we have yet to strike out of their misery. Anyone care to guess which threads those are?
TOGETHERAGAIN: Anything started by Beau?
THEPRAWNCRACKER: The kiss-kiss-hug-hug darling thread?
VIC ROMANO: Actually, the Kiss-K-H-Hug thread falls under the jurisdiction Operation S.K.Y.E. It's not our problem. (Pause) No, gentlemen, the threads I am referring to are Appreciation Threads. BBB, RHLC, and SWAEHB; appreciating some guy named Bill, someone known as Richard and somebody else's behind. We need to stick a pin in this right now, and not allow it spread any further. The threads that is, not the behind.
Murmurs of, "We'll get right on it."
*Commercial break*
We resume by panning through the offices where T*K*O members work their computers.
TOGETHERAGAIN: Who is this Bill guy anyway… oh; this thread provides free Muffins and night-vision goggles. All I have to do is sign this virtual cheque and the equipment should arrive at my door within the hour. (Clicks mouse) Interesting.
In another office…
VIBS: This Richard guy sure is hilarious-ish. And these fantasy dreams are so funny… funny in the head… I think this is worth reading more of-ish.
In another office…
THEPRAWNCRACKER: What does SWAEHB stand for anyway… oooh! Free bagels! (Reads aloud) I swear to stand by my bagel, in sickness and it health, to eat it, and mean it, for as long as SWAEHB shall survive.
He turns to look at the camera and we see that his eyes are wide, and glow evilly. Cut to the cafeteria where Vic Romano and MrsPepper sup Custodian's Surprise from bowls.
MRSPEPPER: It's very quiet.
VIC ROMANO: Hey, don't jinx it!
MRSPEPPER: Seriously, where is everyone?
VIC ROMANO: I haven't seen them since I gave them their initial assignments.
MRSPEPPER: I see. Well, so long as they keep quiet.
VIC ROMANO: I mean it! You are really going to jinx the silence.
MRSPEPPER: I'm just stating that it's quiet!
VIC ROMANO: That did it…
They are interrupted by a loud scream and run from the cafeteria to find ThePrawnCracker and TogetherAgain battling one another down the hallway. TogetherAgain has leapt onto ThePrawnCracker's back, trying to knock him to the floor.
TOGETHERAGAIN: You posted that Steve was the best!
THEPRAWNCRACKER: You said BBB with an exclamation mark!
TOGETHERAGAIN: You said SWAEHB, and don't even know what it stands for!
THEPRAWNCRACKER: Well you're eating a muffin!
TOGETHERAGAIN: You're eating a bagel!
MRSPEPPER: We were TRYING to eat our Surprise!
Vibs's office door bangs open and she plows into TogetherAgain and ThePrawnCracker.
VIBS: Your face-ish!
TOGETHERAGAIN: Your hand!
THEPRAWNCRACKER: Your foot!
VIC ROMANO: You're crazy!
MRSPEPPER: (To Vic) Your problem.
BEAUREGARD: (Spooky voice) Your days are numbered!
Everyone stops arguing and stares at him.
BEAUREGARD: A war is coming…
*Commercial Break*
Reopen on Mrs Pepper and Vic Romano barricading the door to the inner office.
VIC ROMANO: They've gone crazy!
MRSPEPPER: This is new, how?
VIC ROMANO: We need to call backup.
MRSPEPPER: (Grabs the phone) We can't. The phone lines are jammed!
VIC ROMANO: Perfect! First bagels now jam…
Cut to the offices shrouded in darkness, viewed through night-vision goggles. TogetherAgain creeps towards Vibs's open office, holding a basket of muffins. Suddenly, she kicks the door further open and leaps in, tossing muffins all over her Danish friend. Vibs screams and collapses on the floor and TogetherAgain runs away. Cut to, Beauregard's Janitor Closet where he pulls drawers open in a storage unit.
THEPRAWNCRACKER: So you are telling me you have weapons bought off the black market, stored in your closet?
BEAUREGARD: Actually I got them from the Pink Market, it's cheaper.
THEPRAWNCRACKER: Fabulous…What do you have?
BEAUREGARD: Pop-tarts, salvaged from the remains of the 120-Second Rebellion. Walking sticks, borrowed from the Golden Girl's War. There's three Penguin Cannons taken from the Fan-Fiction section, and Danglish Water Balloons. (Pushes the storage unit aside) Back here I have the Electric Mayhem Bus, armed with Bagel-Blasters. And… the secret weapon.
THEPRAWNCRACKER: What is that?
Cut back to Vic Romano and MrsPepper. They shelter underneath a desk as explosions blast around them.
VIC ROMANO: We need to get help!
MRSPEPPER: How? The phones-lines are cut. Radio frequencies are blocked, even Muppet Central Radio.
VIC ROMANO: That's it! That's a great idea! We'll post an announcement at MC. Tell them what's going on and that we need desperate help.
MRSPEPPER: Do it. And I have some contacts of my own. (Pulls laptop under the desk with her)
Back out in the office area, everything is craziness. Water balloons explode. Muffins dampen. Muppet Plushies are thrown.
VIBS: R.H.L.C. FOREVER-ISH!
THEPRAWNCRACKER: Don't make me bring out another mental image on you!
TOGETHER AGAIN: BBB! And backwards, '!BBB'.
They are interrupted by sounds of helicopters over the T*K*O roof. There is an explosion and wires shoot down with MC Members attached. The Ninja Central MC Members, in response to Vic's message, leap to the aid of Vibs, TogetherAgain, and PrawnCracker, immediately picking sides.
HERALDE: Say hello to the Phantom. (Grabs a water-pistol and starts firing)
CHRISTYB: Stand back, I have a Steve statue and I am not afraid to use it!
EMMYMIK: Don't push me, I'm a professional on the edge.
Inside MrsPepper's office…
VIC ROMANO: Okay, that wasn’t such a great idea… now there's even more of a war than before the war was a war.
MRSPEPPER: I'm still holding out on my contacts…
VIC ROMANO: I didn't know you wore lenses.
Outside their office… the war blares on night and day and the offices fill with smoke and dust and sound. ReeneLouvier and Heralde beat back Christy-B and Sammie-Rose long enough for Emmy and Super Scooter to get a message through to Beauregard, demanding that the secret weapon be released immediately. Inside the office, MrsPepper and Vic Romano held their breath as silence falls once more.
VIC ROMANO: Think it's safe?
MRSPEPPER: With this crew? Never… but it may be safe-er.
They crack the door open and peep out, finding no sign of the attackers in Vic's outer-office. They move on, opening the outer door and then stop as they see a herd of cows.
COWS: MWOOOOOO!
MRSPEPPER: It's the cows with a lisp!
VIC ROMANO: Thank goodness, we're saved!
Pulling back, we see a herd of cows sitting on our hero's as Vic Romano and MrsPepper observe the destruction. But before their have a chance to rejoice at their salvation, there is a polite knock on the facilities door and it opened from outside by a man with long hair, a man with slick black hair, and a almost transparent younger man with a smile.
STEVE: Your message got through, MrsPepper, we're here.
RICHARD: You were right, it IS a mess.
BILL: But this plaque is shiny though. I can even see my face in it.
RICHARD: Your face?
STEVE: Don't start that again!
BILL: Anyway, MrsPepper e-mailed us, requesting assistance.
STEVE: And we are here to say that violence won't solve anything anyway
BILL: And to serve you people with these restraining orders.
RICHARD: And to remind you that three separate teams CAN co-exist in harmony, so put the cannons away and pass the custard.
BILL: And the Muffins.
STEVE: And the Bagels.
Beauregard approaches.
BEAUREGARD: Aaah, Mr. Steve and Mr. Bill and Mr. Richard… would you please, please, please autograph this grenade?
Cut to later…
MrsPepper and Vic Romano are standing together in Vic's office.
MRSPEPPER: Well, that didn't go down to badly.
VIC ROMANO: Nope. And now that there is peace in the galaxy, and the squabbling has ceased the threads themselves have stopped growing so fast. I think we killed 'em.
MRSPEPPER: I'm glad. Now… I'm heading for home, but perhaps you should finish that game of Solitaire you were playing before you leave tonight.
VIC ROMANO: Yes ma'am. And tomorrow I'm starting the M'PAT.
MRSPEPPER: M'PAT? What's M'Pat?
VIC ROMANO: The MrsPepper Appreciation Thread. What else?
BEAUREGARD: (To camera) “Shine T*K*O”, she says, “use this duster and polish till you can see your face in it”, she said. (Holds up duster and examines it) I'll never see my face in this old thing! (Pause) But, hey, these dirt dots look like Madonna.
Move on up the building, to shimmer through the glass window of the central office, where Vic Romano is tapping away at his computer busily at… um… work?
VIC ROMANO: Seven onto six. Six onto five.
MrsPepper's office door creeps open and her shadow rises from the floor up Vic R's chair.
VIC ROMANO: Queen onto Jack. King onto Queen, and I WIN!
He leaps up in victory, sees MrsPepper stood directly behind him, and sits back down.
VIC ROMANO: I win! I WIN…-Dows Explorer is blocking me out of Muppet Central, darn it, so I'm trying to make good use of my time.
T*K*O
(Starring: MrsPepper, Vic Romano, ThePrawnCracker, TogetherAgain, Vibs, and Beauregard)
(Starring: MrsPepper, Vic Romano, ThePrawnCracker, TogetherAgain, Vibs, and Beauregard)
Episode #: 45
Title: “The Initial Problem”
Original Airdate: 31-Jan-2007
Written by: Beauregard
Created by: MrsPepper
Guest Stars: heralde, ReneeLouvier, christyb, Sammie-Rose, EmmyMik, and Super Scooter
Special Celebrity Guest Appearances By: Richard Hunt, Steve Whitmire, Bill Barretta, and the Cows Who Say Mwoo
MRSPEPPER: (Adjusts glasses) Really.
She leans over, clicks the computer to open MC.
MRSPEPPER: Odd that. It looks just fine to me.
VIC ROMANO: Oh! MrsPepper you are a miracle worker!
MRSPEPPER: (Deadpan) Flattery will not bring you a raise. (Pokes at screen) What are these, eh? The BBB thread. The RHLC thread. And the… SWAEHB, is it? They don't appear to be very dead. Look here. Three posts in SWAEHB today. Thirteen in RHLC. (Pause) Thirty in BBB... what do they talk about in that place anyway? Tell me, what are these initial-named threads all about?
VIC ROMANO: If I knew, I'd know.
MRSPEPPER: Find out. And then... (Steps to the window so that her face is masked in shadow) Wipe. Them. Out. (Turns) All of them.
VIC ROMANO: We may need more tissues.
MRSPEPPER: (Turns) To wipe them out?
VIC ROMANO: Um, no, just because TogetherAgain has been writing tortuous stories again.
MRSPEPPER: (To camera) Great… something else I just don't get.
Cut to a meeting of the T*K*O crew in the cafeteria. Vibs, the Joke Killer, is sat at a desk with TogetherAgain. ThePrawnCracker writes a note on a paper-airplane and shoots it across the room to TogetherAgain. Vic stands on a table at the front. Everyone's talking.
VIC ROMANO: As you may not have noticed…
They keep talking.
VIC ROMANO: As you MAY have NOT noticed.
They keep talking
VIC ROMANO: AS YOU MAY NOT HAVE NOTICED!
… You get the picture.
VIC ROMANO: … I AM TRYING TO TALK HERE!!!
Silence, then-
VIBS: Oops. Sorry, we just didn't notice-ish.
EVERYONE: VIBS!
VIC ROMANO: I guess I asked for that. Listen, as you may, or may not, have noticed there are a series of threads that are threatening our careers, threads we have yet to strike out of their misery. Anyone care to guess which threads those are?
TOGETHERAGAIN: Anything started by Beau?
THEPRAWNCRACKER: The kiss-kiss-hug-hug darling thread?
VIC ROMANO: Actually, the Kiss-K-H-Hug thread falls under the jurisdiction Operation S.K.Y.E. It's not our problem. (Pause) No, gentlemen, the threads I am referring to are Appreciation Threads. BBB, RHLC, and SWAEHB; appreciating some guy named Bill, someone known as Richard and somebody else's behind. We need to stick a pin in this right now, and not allow it spread any further. The threads that is, not the behind.
Murmurs of, "We'll get right on it."
*Commercial break*
We resume by panning through the offices where T*K*O members work their computers.
TOGETHERAGAIN: Who is this Bill guy anyway… oh; this thread provides free Muffins and night-vision goggles. All I have to do is sign this virtual cheque and the equipment should arrive at my door within the hour. (Clicks mouse) Interesting.
In another office…
VIBS: This Richard guy sure is hilarious-ish. And these fantasy dreams are so funny… funny in the head… I think this is worth reading more of-ish.
In another office…
THEPRAWNCRACKER: What does SWAEHB stand for anyway… oooh! Free bagels! (Reads aloud) I swear to stand by my bagel, in sickness and it health, to eat it, and mean it, for as long as SWAEHB shall survive.
He turns to look at the camera and we see that his eyes are wide, and glow evilly. Cut to the cafeteria where Vic Romano and MrsPepper sup Custodian's Surprise from bowls.
MRSPEPPER: It's very quiet.
VIC ROMANO: Hey, don't jinx it!
MRSPEPPER: Seriously, where is everyone?
VIC ROMANO: I haven't seen them since I gave them their initial assignments.
MRSPEPPER: I see. Well, so long as they keep quiet.
VIC ROMANO: I mean it! You are really going to jinx the silence.
MRSPEPPER: I'm just stating that it's quiet!
VIC ROMANO: That did it…
They are interrupted by a loud scream and run from the cafeteria to find ThePrawnCracker and TogetherAgain battling one another down the hallway. TogetherAgain has leapt onto ThePrawnCracker's back, trying to knock him to the floor.
TOGETHERAGAIN: You posted that Steve was the best!
THEPRAWNCRACKER: You said BBB with an exclamation mark!
TOGETHERAGAIN: You said SWAEHB, and don't even know what it stands for!
THEPRAWNCRACKER: Well you're eating a muffin!
TOGETHERAGAIN: You're eating a bagel!
MRSPEPPER: We were TRYING to eat our Surprise!
Vibs's office door bangs open and she plows into TogetherAgain and ThePrawnCracker.
VIBS: Your face-ish!
TOGETHERAGAIN: Your hand!
THEPRAWNCRACKER: Your foot!
VIC ROMANO: You're crazy!
MRSPEPPER: (To Vic) Your problem.
BEAUREGARD: (Spooky voice) Your days are numbered!
Everyone stops arguing and stares at him.
BEAUREGARD: A war is coming…
*Commercial Break*
Reopen on Mrs Pepper and Vic Romano barricading the door to the inner office.
VIC ROMANO: They've gone crazy!
MRSPEPPER: This is new, how?
VIC ROMANO: We need to call backup.
MRSPEPPER: (Grabs the phone) We can't. The phone lines are jammed!
VIC ROMANO: Perfect! First bagels now jam…
Cut to the offices shrouded in darkness, viewed through night-vision goggles. TogetherAgain creeps towards Vibs's open office, holding a basket of muffins. Suddenly, she kicks the door further open and leaps in, tossing muffins all over her Danish friend. Vibs screams and collapses on the floor and TogetherAgain runs away. Cut to, Beauregard's Janitor Closet where he pulls drawers open in a storage unit.
THEPRAWNCRACKER: So you are telling me you have weapons bought off the black market, stored in your closet?
BEAUREGARD: Actually I got them from the Pink Market, it's cheaper.
THEPRAWNCRACKER: Fabulous…What do you have?
BEAUREGARD: Pop-tarts, salvaged from the remains of the 120-Second Rebellion. Walking sticks, borrowed from the Golden Girl's War. There's three Penguin Cannons taken from the Fan-Fiction section, and Danglish Water Balloons. (Pushes the storage unit aside) Back here I have the Electric Mayhem Bus, armed with Bagel-Blasters. And… the secret weapon.
THEPRAWNCRACKER: What is that?
Cut back to Vic Romano and MrsPepper. They shelter underneath a desk as explosions blast around them.
VIC ROMANO: We need to get help!
MRSPEPPER: How? The phones-lines are cut. Radio frequencies are blocked, even Muppet Central Radio.
VIC ROMANO: That's it! That's a great idea! We'll post an announcement at MC. Tell them what's going on and that we need desperate help.
MRSPEPPER: Do it. And I have some contacts of my own. (Pulls laptop under the desk with her)
Back out in the office area, everything is craziness. Water balloons explode. Muffins dampen. Muppet Plushies are thrown.
VIBS: R.H.L.C. FOREVER-ISH!
THEPRAWNCRACKER: Don't make me bring out another mental image on you!
TOGETHER AGAIN: BBB! And backwards, '!BBB'.
They are interrupted by sounds of helicopters over the T*K*O roof. There is an explosion and wires shoot down with MC Members attached. The Ninja Central MC Members, in response to Vic's message, leap to the aid of Vibs, TogetherAgain, and PrawnCracker, immediately picking sides.
HERALDE: Say hello to the Phantom. (Grabs a water-pistol and starts firing)
CHRISTYB: Stand back, I have a Steve statue and I am not afraid to use it!
EMMYMIK: Don't push me, I'm a professional on the edge.
Inside MrsPepper's office…
VIC ROMANO: Okay, that wasn’t such a great idea… now there's even more of a war than before the war was a war.
MRSPEPPER: I'm still holding out on my contacts…
VIC ROMANO: I didn't know you wore lenses.
Outside their office… the war blares on night and day and the offices fill with smoke and dust and sound. ReeneLouvier and Heralde beat back Christy-B and Sammie-Rose long enough for Emmy and Super Scooter to get a message through to Beauregard, demanding that the secret weapon be released immediately. Inside the office, MrsPepper and Vic Romano held their breath as silence falls once more.
VIC ROMANO: Think it's safe?
MRSPEPPER: With this crew? Never… but it may be safe-er.
They crack the door open and peep out, finding no sign of the attackers in Vic's outer-office. They move on, opening the outer door and then stop as they see a herd of cows.
COWS: MWOOOOOO!
MRSPEPPER: It's the cows with a lisp!
VIC ROMANO: Thank goodness, we're saved!
Pulling back, we see a herd of cows sitting on our hero's as Vic Romano and MrsPepper observe the destruction. But before their have a chance to rejoice at their salvation, there is a polite knock on the facilities door and it opened from outside by a man with long hair, a man with slick black hair, and a almost transparent younger man with a smile.
STEVE: Your message got through, MrsPepper, we're here.
RICHARD: You were right, it IS a mess.
BILL: But this plaque is shiny though. I can even see my face in it.
RICHARD: Your face?
STEVE: Don't start that again!
BILL: Anyway, MrsPepper e-mailed us, requesting assistance.
STEVE: And we are here to say that violence won't solve anything anyway
BILL: And to serve you people with these restraining orders.
RICHARD: And to remind you that three separate teams CAN co-exist in harmony, so put the cannons away and pass the custard.
BILL: And the Muffins.
STEVE: And the Bagels.
Beauregard approaches.
BEAUREGARD: Aaah, Mr. Steve and Mr. Bill and Mr. Richard… would you please, please, please autograph this grenade?
Cut to later…
MrsPepper and Vic Romano are standing together in Vic's office.
MRSPEPPER: Well, that didn't go down to badly.
VIC ROMANO: Nope. And now that there is peace in the galaxy, and the squabbling has ceased the threads themselves have stopped growing so fast. I think we killed 'em.
MRSPEPPER: I'm glad. Now… I'm heading for home, but perhaps you should finish that game of Solitaire you were playing before you leave tonight.
VIC ROMANO: Yes ma'am. And tomorrow I'm starting the M'PAT.
MRSPEPPER: M'PAT? What's M'Pat?
VIC ROMANO: The MrsPepper Appreciation Thread. What else?
THE END
Executive Producer: Phillip Chapman
Producer: MrsPepper
Head Writer: D’Snowth
Executive Producer: Phillip Chapman
Producer: MrsPepper
Head Writer: D’Snowth
