T*K*O - "Private Lies"

[D'Snowth]

T*K*O
(Starring: MrsPepper, Vic Romano, ThePrawnCracker, D’Snowth, TogetherAgain, Vibs, and Beauregard)​

Episode #: 36
Title: “Private Lies”
Original Airdate: 31-Jul-2006
Written By: Beauregard
Created By: MrsPepper

The TKO logo pulls away on a black screen. Vic Romano speaks off camera.

VIC ROMANO: There’s something in your eye.

Camera pulls back on Vic’s mouth.

VIC ROMANO: Something in your eyes, rather, which dances like fire and glitters like ice on a cold day in June.

The camera pulls back further to reveal half of Vic’s face. The camera moves around him as he speaks.

VIC ROMANO: And when I look at you, I feel happy. And fulfilled. And I smile and want to tell you that...well...

The camera moves behind Vic’s head and finally shows us who he is speaking to. A mirror. He’s talking to his reflection in the men’s room at TKO.

VIC ROMANO: ...I think I am in love with you.

Meanwhile, inside D’Snowth’s personal office he has his finger on a button, listening to the conversation.

D‘SNOWTH: This is why I installed bugs in the building...

The door to MrsPepper’s office opens.

MRSPEPPER: Didn’t we deal with the cockroaches already?

D‘SNOWTH: (Hurriedly) Yes! Yes! Not those kinds of bug...err...I meant my beetle collection!

MRSPEPPER: Fine.

She disappears back into her office.

D‘SNOWTH: Phew that was close.

He types e-mail to Vic demanding an immediate meeting. When Vic arrives, D’Snowth has his ear pressed to MrsPepper’s door. He rushes back to his desk as Vic barges in.

D‘SNOWTH: Aha! Hello there. Tell me Vic, exactly what were you doing for so long in the little boy’s room this mornings?

VIC ROMANO: Well, first I -

D‘SNOWTH: I don’t need details! Was there a girl in the boy’s-room?

VIC ROMANO: No!

D‘SNOWTH: You said those things to a man!??

VIC ROMANO: NO! Wait! What things? How did you...!

D‘SNOWTH: (To camera) Oh, I have my ways of hearing you talk...

VIC ROMANO: Then you...I...well, I was on my...mobile phone. Yes. I was talking to my...girlfriend, Freda.

MrsPepper’s door opens again.

MRSPEPPER: You have a girlfriend named Freda?

VIC ROMANO: I have a girlfriend named Freda.

D’SNOWTH: He has a girlfriend named...Freda?!?

VIC ROMANO: Yes! What? Hey, don’t you believe I have a girlfriend?

D’SNOWTH: I don’t believe her name’s Freda...

MRSPEPPER: Vic were you in fact talking to a girlfriend, whether Freda or not Freda, or were you simply slacking your duties and you’re making this whole thing up to excuse the amount of time you spend in the bathroom?

D’Snowth and MrsPepper give Vic the “disbelieving-eyes-look”.

VIC ROMANO: I was - Alright, fine, you don’t believe me? I’ll bring her to work.

Music beat: Dum dum Dururuurrum!

Commercial Break.

Cut to the office of TogetherAgain where Vic Romano is on his knees.

VIC ROMANO: I am begging you! Please, please, please, please, please, please -

TOGETHERAGAIN: Please stop saying please, please.

VIC ROMANO: Plea...-ding with you am I! You have to be my girlfriend!

TOGETHERAGAIN: Tell me again, what exactly did you say to MrsPepper?

VIC ROMANO: I told her I would produce my girlfriend named Freda by the end of the day.

TOGETHERAGAIN: And you don’t have a girlfriend named Freda?

VIC ROMANO: Well, no, not exactly...

TOGETHERAGAIN: You don’t have a girlfriend? Or she’s not named Freda?

VIC ROMANO: Actually, I have a pet stone named Freda...Now please, TogetherAgain, you have to agree to pretend to be my girlfriend!

TOGETHERAGAIN: Do I have to be named Freda? (drum beat) No, way, Vic, not happening. I cannot be your girlfriend, even for a day, because...err...because I HAVE a boyfriend! His name is Frederick, err, and...um...he’s sort of tall and stuff.

VIC ROMANO: You have a boyfriend named Frederick? Why’ve I never heard of him?

TOGETHERAGAIN: Because...Aheh...

Music beat: Dum dum Dururuurrum!

Cut to ThePrawnCracker’s office where TogetherAgain is begging.

TOGETHERAGAIN: - and so I told him I have a boyfriend named Frederick...

THEPRAWNCRACKER: How does this concern me? Besides the fact that Frederick is the worst name in history ever...

TOGETHERAGAIN: Well, you’re him.

THEPRAWNCRACKER: You want me to be your boyfriend?

TOGETHERAGAIN: - Yes.

THEPRAWNCRACKER: But what about...I mean...I have a dog! Yes. I do. And he gets very...jealous.

TOGETHERAGAIN: I love dogs!

THEPRAWNCRACKER: Oh. Err, you won’t. I guarantee it. You’ll see.

Music beat: Dum dum Dururuurrum!

Cut to Vibs’ office where she is flipping through a joke book. ThePrawnCracker knocks on the door and then bursts in.

THEPRAWNCRACKER: You need to be a dog.

VIBS: Why? Because I’m barking mad? Haha! Barking mad? Get it? Bach as in the German composer and mad as in the Danish word for food. Get it?

THEPRAWNCRACKER: Vibs! This goes beyond musical food! If you refuse to be my pet dog just for one day, I’ll have to marry TogetherAgain!

VIBS: Um...you so have to be joking, but I so don’t get it.

Cut to Vic’s office where Beauregard polishes one patch of Vic’s computer screen over and over again.

VIC ROMANO: When you’re quite finished...

BEAUREGARD: It’s a very dirty spot. (continues polishing) Hey, it’s a shame about TogetherAgain and PrawnCracker leaving T*K*O...

VIC ROMANO: The American’s are leaving? Wait...I am an American. They’re leaving?

BEAUREGARD: Oh yes, of course, you can’t have a married couple working in one T*K*O unit, even if it is as fabulous as ours is. Married couples need jobs with a certain something...

VIC ROMANO: What’s that?

BEAUREGARD: Pay.

VIC ROMANO: Wait! What!!!

BEAUREGARD: Yeah, it seems surreal. TogetherAgain and PrawnCracker getting married.

VIC ROMANO: No, I meant, “What? You don’t get paid?” - But forget I said anything.

Cut to MrsPepper’s office where she stands tapping her watch. D’Snowth is near the door. Silence. A clock ticks. D’Snowth clears his throat. MrsPepper sits on the corner of the desk. Crazy Frog starts playing from D’Snowth’s mobile phone.

D‘SNOWTH: Hello? Yes? Oh! Hi. What? When? Where? Alright Maybe. No! Her name’s Kathy, with a Y. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Really? I’ll be right there...

MRSPEPPER: (Disapproving) I was under the impression that mobile phones were kept turned off at TKO.

D‘SNOWTH: They are. Were. It was a freak ring, my pocket must have turned the phone on. But it was a wrong number.

MRSPEPPER: Whose wrong number?

D’SNOWTH: Vic Romano’s. I’ll be right...back.

Commercial Break.

VIBS: MrsPepper! MrsPepper! MrsPepper!

MRSPEPPER: Yes? Yes? Yes?

VIBS: Are animals allowed in TKO?

MRSPEPPER: Besides D’Snowth’s stuffed squirrel, and the creatures that go into the Custodian Surprise, no. Why?

VIBS: Oh it’s just that...

There is a knock and Beauregard enters.

BEAUREGARD: MrsPepper! MrsPepper! MrsPepper!

MRSPEPPER: Yes? Yes? Yes?

BEAUREGARD: When they leave TKO and get married...I was wondering if I could...well, I was thinking, if I posted the ingredients to Custodian Surprise that would kill threads, so maybe I could...

MRSPEPPER: Hold it!

Beauregard picks up a paperweight and holds it.

MRSPEPPER: Who is leaving?

Before Beauregard can answer PrawnCracker knocks and burst through the door. Vibs quietly dives out of sight behind the door.

THEPRAWNCRACKER: MrsPepper! MrsPepper! Mrs.-!

MRSPEPPER: Yes? Yes? Ye-?

THEPRAWNCRACKER: My dog’s disappeared! I mean, Vibs has. I mean, where is Vibs?

BEAUREGARD: She was here. I think she just left.

MrsPepper collapses into her seat behind the desk in confusion.

MRSPEPPER: Vibs is leaving now?

BEAUREGARD: Oh and congratulations Mr. Cracker, on your engagement.

TogetherAgain steps into the room.

TOGETHERAGAIN: Prawn? You’re engaged? Why didn’t you say so! So that’s why you refused to have anything to do with me! Congratulations!

MRSPEPPER: Engaged? Is this why you were looking for Vibs? What dark horses you two were. We’d never have suspected for the intercom system bleeping and D’Snowth speaking interrupts an instant.

The conversation.

D’SNOWTH: (Fake cough) Freda has arrived. (Fake cough) But I’m getting a cold, so I must rush home. (Fake cough cough) That is all.

Intercom dies as Vic Romano steps into the room.

VIC ROMANO: I told you she’d be here...

And with a flourish of perfume, a tall woman in an old straw hat with pigtails poking from it moves into the room in an uncomfortably starched dress. Could this be Freda? Could she really exist?

FREDA: (Deadpan) Hi. I’m Freda, Vic’s girlfriend. Yes. I’m real. And, now I am leaving. (Turns to go)

MRSPEPPER: Hold it!

Beauregard picks up another paperweight from the desk and holds that.

MRSPEPPER: Freda...at a risk of sound mean, your trainers do not really go with the dress. And frankly, D’Snowth, nothing you do will hide those ears from being recognized...

Freda removes her hat and there are shocked gasps as everyone realizes that Freda is in truth D’Snowth in a wig. Vic Romano sags.

VIC ROMANO: It’s true...I was desperate...and I promised that I would arrange a personal meeting between Snowthy and Kathy Greenfield if he pretended to be Freda. I lied...

D’SNOWTH: Wait! You made up the fact your aunt’s dog’s girlfriend’s former owner’s sister-in-law’s ex-husband know Kathy Greenwood???

VIC ROMANO: Guilty.

MRSPEPPER: And you made up Freda? And the girlfriend?

VIC ROMANO: Guilty again.

TOGETHERAGAIN: I have a confession...I made up a boyfriend to get out of being Freda...

THEPRAWNCRACKER: Then you didn’t want to marry me?

TOGETHERAGAIN: (Shocked) Of course not!

THEPRAWNCRACKER: Oh phew! I made up that I had a dog to get out of being Frederick...

VIBS: ...and I was meant to make up that I was a dog...but I thought I’d be thrown from the building.

BEAUREGARD: And I must have exaggerated the whole marriage thing...and these paperweights are heavy...

MRSPEPPER: You can put them down.

BEAUREGARD: Thank you.

MRSPEPPER: Let me get this straight...D’Snowth pretending to be a girlfriend that Vic made up and TogetherAgain wouldn’t pretend to be the girlfriend and created a make-believe boyfriend who was PrawnCracker who tried to make Vibs be his pet dog and Beauregard overheard and thought there was a wedding when really D’Snowth just overheard Vic talking to...?

VIC ROMANO: ...the mirror.

MRSPEPPER: I see, the mirror. And during this day at TKO we have killed how many threads?

Everyone looks at everyone else for a long moment then back to MrsPepper. Finally, Vic speaks.

VIC ROMANO: Er..some?

MRSPEPPER: Right. I see. Well, now we see the truth. What a tangled net we weave when at first we do deceive.

TOGETHERAGAIN: Tangled web we weave.

MRSPEPPER: I know! But this is a net-program, remember?

TOGETHERAGAIN: Sorry, writer’s instincts...

MRSPEPPER: Listen I’m giving you all the rest of the day off, let’s go to the canteen, get lunch, and forget about the tangles, shall we? Beauregard, if you would get food. And, Snowth, get rid of that hair then perhaps we can unwind and take a look at your...beetle collection?

The episode ends with a frozen image of D’Snowth’s face.

THE END

Executive Producer: Phillip Chapman
Producer: MrsPepper
Head Writer: D’Snowth​

 

[redBoobergurl]

That was comedy gold. Pure and simple comedy gold. I love all the running around and how each person had to find someone to be the lie they made up. It was great! Very classic! I loved it!

 

[The Count]

Ah, Snowthy... What can I say...
Comedy gold this wern.
The title... Points for using a pun on the Hall and Oats song.
Also... You get points for the whole Freida invention, reminded me of Frank Fontaine trying to convince everyone he had a grilfriend from Murphy Brown, a show that I truly loved.
And all the running around... Poor Bo, he thought he'd be promoted to official thread killah.
OK then... Now it's time to point the nagging sticks at... Wait, was this the one that Bo wrote? Or is that one next week's?

 

[D'Snowth]

Nope, this is indeed the one that Bo wrote.

 

[The Count]

OK then... That explains that, looking forward to next week's episode.

 

[G-MAN]

This one was good, it had me cracking up throughout the whole thing.

 

[furryredmonster]

Hillarious! Awesome.

 

[MartyMuppets]

I loved it. Congratulations to Beau. He did a clever job.

 

[anythingmuppet]

LOL!! Great episode Beau! I could tell it was different; it's got your "style" to it. But whats with this?:

Crazy Frog starts playing from D’Snowth’s mobile phone

I start playing on a cell phone? LOL

 

[MrsPepper]

Wow Beau, this was quite the romp! I could tell it was different; at first I though "WOW, DS is branching out!" But now I understand.
Really clever and fun romp, I loved it.